Chapter 34 – NICU

December 30th, 2019

Troy's POV

I sat in my car in the parking garage of the hospital that my kids were being transported too. My kids. I brushed my fingers through my hair as I got to my car at the hospital where I left my fiancé and cried in the car after everything that had transpired but I had to pull my shit together. I inhaled deeply as I picked up my backpack and I walked out when my phone rang. I had run into the lobby full of people earlier and announced the birth of our children but that both were intubated and sick.

Intubated and sick.

The words scared me in my head as it kept repeating over and over again. Everybody asked repeatedly what they could do, if I needed somebody to come with me but I just shook my head. "No, you all need to stay here for Gabi. I don't want her to be the last person to meet her babies. I am going to go alone. She is going to need all of the support and rest in the next 24 hours. She will be determined to get out of here tomorrow night. Please, be with her, keep her company. She is absolutely devastated."

They all agreed that Gabi shouldn't be the last to meet her kids and we all hugged in the waiting room. They congratulated me and squeezed me to tell me that everything was going to work out. My stomach summersaulted as I moved to the security point of the children's hospital and I took in a deep breath. "I uhm…my kids were transported to the NICU here?" It came out as a question mark and the security officer nodded his head, "Can I have your ID?" I fumbled around until I found it and I handed it over as he printed me a badge.

"The NICU," I tried to follow his words but I was retaining nothing. "Sir," I looked up and his eyes connected with mine. "Would you like us to escort you to the NICU?" I nodded my head slowly and he got up as he called for a backup and he escorted me through the hallways until we came to a bay of elevators. He took me into the elevators and he pressed the fourth button. I swallowed on the lump in my throat and the doors opened up to a reception desk.

"Brandy, this is Mr. Bolton. His children are being transported here from an area hospital. I believe one of them is already here. Can you help him?" Brandy nodded her head, "Of course, what is the mothers last name?"

"Montez," I said as I rubbed my eye socket and she nodded. She asked for more identifying information about the hospital they were born at and the genders. I gave her all of the answers, "I am assuming mom is still at the hospital?" I nodded. "She had to have a c-section. Like an hour and half ago." I told her and she nodded, "We will do NICU orientation when she is able to come up here. For now, here is a temporary band honoring you as dad."

I let her slip it around my wrist and we walked through the secure doors as we moved through the hallways as I could hear beeping, talking, alarms, laughter, and just babies crying. "Our NICU is rather large and they have your kids on the D wing." I followed her knowing that I was never going to remember all of this. She guided me to bed spot 45 where there was a box and a ton of people working around the box.

"Guys, this is Mr. Bolton. He is the father of the Montez twins coming in." A girl turned around and gave a brief smile, "Mr. Bolton, take a seat here." She guided me to the chair and she gently sat me down. "I am a resource nurse and I am helping admit your son. Sutton, right?" I nodded my head and she smiled, "It's a handsome name. I hear we are going to be getting your daughter, too." I again could just nod my head. "Saylor, that is such a gorgeous name and not one that we hear all that often." She told me as if she was trying to put me at ease while they all talked about my child.

"Is he okay?" I asked and she nodded, "He's doing okay. They are just doing his initial assessment and working through how we can help him. He is really small and he was a little cold when he arrived. We put him in an incubator to help keep him warm and provide a little darker of environment like the womb to try and calm him. He's calm right now and isn't fighting his intubation. We are getting his labs, his assessment, and are going to make a plan. Once we have more, the nurse practitioner and the doctor will all fill you in. They might wait until Saylor is settled as well so we can just have one big conversation. I imagine that mom is terrified." I nodded my head as I felt my own eyes well with tears.

"Leaving her was so hard because she would do anything to be here."

"I know, we are going to take great care of them until she gets here and then after she gets here." I nodded as she continued to talk me through everything that was happening when another transport team rolled by and I recognized Amy knowing that was my girl. Saylor. "Let's draw the curtain," somebody called, "No, no, these are twins. Dad is right here. Let him be in the know." I tried to process everything they were saying about Saylor and keep watching Sutton but my mind was spinning. A hand touched my arm and I looked up to see Amy. "She did well on our drive over here. They are just little. They need time. Okay?" I just nodded and Amy smiled before walking away.

They moved Saylor into a box as well and I felt my heart beat against my chest when they started to shift from Sutton to Saylor. "Dad?" I looked up to see the nurse, "My name is Jaycee. I am going to be Sutton's nurse tonight. Would you like to come hold his hand?" I nodded my head and I stood up on shaky legs as I moved over to him as he looked more comfortable in the bed. He was sleeping but looked nested in between all the blankets and rolls in his bed.

"Hi buddy," I whispered as my finger stroked his skin. "Are these your first two?" she asked and I nodded my head. "Yea, my fiancée and I weren't really expecting either of them but man they have rocked our world. I love them both so much already and they have been here for two hours." Jaycee laughed, "They tend to have that effect on their parents."

"Overall, everything seems okay with Sutton. He is just underdeveloped. Tomorrow during the day, they will run more tests, look at his heart, etc. They will make sure he is structurally okay but his support on the ventilator is low but it is allowing him to rest. If he continues to wean down on the support, we will switch him to a different form of support. Not, intubated." I smiled looking down at Sutton, "He does need a lot of growing though." I took a picture of his little hand curled around my big finger.

"He is so little," I commented and Jaycee smiled, "Wait till you get to hold him. He will look tiny in your arms." I smiled while I looked at him and for the first time, I just felt a little bit more relaxed. "When can I hold him?" I asked her and she looked at him, "Let's give him some time to warm up and get acclimated but maybe sometime in the morning before day shift and things get busy, we can get him out."

I paused, "Wait, while he's intubated?" she nodded her head. "Yes, we try to not limit holding. We have some restrictions and we will have to be careful because of his lines but you can hold him." I swallowed back on my emotions in my throat as I looked back at him again as he was resting comfortably. "Okay," I finally let go of his hand as I shut the little hole to the box and I ran my fingers through my hair before I sat down and I sent a picture to Gabi.

My eyes lingered over to see a crowd around Saylor still and my heart ached knowing that I couldn't help her. They were still running around, taking x-rays, and I exhaled watching. I picked up my phone to see if Gabi responded but she didn't. I just hoped she was sleeping and resting. I rolled my lips together and rubbed my arms as I rubbed my eyes as I tried to stop the overwhelming feeling again.

"Sir, are you okay?" I felt Jaycee sit next to me and I inhaled as I nodded, "Yea, I am just…really overwhelmed. This morning I was hosting a basketball open gym and right now I am…sitting in a NICU with the love of my life in a different hospital and I am just…overwhelmed." I told her honestly. She nodded in understanding, "I'm so sorry. I know this isn't how any of you expected any of this to go. Especially with a healthy pregnancy." I rubbed at my eyes trying to get the tears to go away. "I just hate it for Gabi more than anything. She was so helpless with trying to help them and I know as a mother that's all she wants to do."

Jaycee squeezed my shoulder gently, "She is probably feeling a lot of things but I know that we here are going to take care of them. I know you are going to help take care of her. We are all going to be there for her. We can have the support staff come by and talk to her, too when she gets here or they can come talk to you." I just nodded in understanding as I inhaled as I looked over at Saylor again. They were still over there in a large group.

"Let me get an update on her, okay?" I just nodded as she walked away and I took three big breaths as Jaycee came back over. "They are worried about how high her support is and why." She told me honestly. "They are running things for some type of infection, looking at her lungs, and they will probably look at her heart tonight. They are probably going to give her a little sedation because she isn't tolerating her intubation as well."

"Her saturations are good right now, which is how well she is oxygenating and her heart rate is good. I think she's just really feisty," I couldn't help but laugh, "She's going to be just like her mom. I can feel it." Jaycee smiled, "Once they are finished getting everything, they need from her, her nurse, Anna, will be over to talk to you, okay?" I thanked her and nodded as I exhaled back into the chair. I can do this.


Gabi's POV

I stared at the ceiling. I knew I should be asleep and recovering but I was stressed and worried. Troy had only sent me a picture of him holding Sutton's hand with a small update that he was doing well but was just small and needed to grow. I took in a deep breath as I was uncomfortable and sore from my c-section. "Sweetie, you need to rest." My mom emphasized as she sat in the chair next to me but I couldn't. I couldn't rest. "I want to be with them," I told her as tears filled my eyes.

"I know, I know you do, baby but Troy is holding down that fort. You can't be a good momma if you aren't healthy." The postpartum nurse had been so helpful and comforting with everything that was going on. She showed me how to use the breast pump since I couldn't breast feed my babies like I wanted too and every two hours I was hooking it up and looking at the few pictures that I had of them.

My phone beeped and I grabbed it to see Troy sent me a link. It also had a password for the link and I plugged it in and I couldn't stop the tears that filled my eyes. "Sutton," I nearly whimpered as it was real-time video of him. I could see Troy standing next to his incubator with his hands on top of him. "Sweetie," I showed her and she smiled, "I can see him." Her fingers brushed over my hair and I just stared at my little man who was rolled on his side and seemed to be comfortable. I watched as Troy withdrew his hand and my mom's phone rang.

"I believe this is for you," I just smiled as I took the phone, "Thank you," I whispered to him. "The nurses told me about it and I knew I needed to get it to you as soon as possible. I don't have Saylor's yet. They are still doing a lot with her. I don't know much but what I do know is that she is needing a lot more respiratory support and they are trying to figure out why and it might be because she is so small. They are just doing all the things and they really haven't had a moment to update me yet and when they are in with Saylor, they can't turn her camera on. It's why you can't see her."

I breathed in deeply with his update, "But she's okay right?"

"She's doing okay," he whispered back to me and I covered my eyes, "I wish I could do more,"

"You resting is doing everything for them baby, I am just sitting here helplessly right now. How are you feeling? Are you okay?" I knew his worry for me was deep and that he wanted to be in both places. "I'm okay. Uncomfortable. My belly hurts but nothing is worse than how my heart feels." I brushed my fingers over my head as I talked to him on the phone. "I'm so sorry, baby. I wish I could make this all so much better. I would do anything to make all of this better."

His voice broke at the end and I hated how much this hurt him. I could only imagine how helpless he was feeling. "I love you, Troy. Thank you. I know how hard this has to be for you as well," I wiped at my own tears that were falling. "I love you, too, Brie." He sighed, "I was offered to hold Sutton today after everything calmed down but I feel so guilty holding them first. You should hold them first."

"No," I objected quickly. "No. If you can hold him, hold him. I want him to be so loved. That's all I want and being held by his daddy will show him that. Can you just have someone video tape it maybe? I want to see it. If you can that's okay but at least a picture of the two of you."

"Yes, of course, I feel guilty though."

"Don't, okay? I want you, too. If I can't do it then his daddy should. That will make me happy."

"Okay, I love you so much, Brie. I will see you tomorrow but you need some sleep tonight, okay? Get some rest, ask for some pain meds, and rest. I will keep you updated on Saylor," he told me and I nodded, "I love you, tell Saylor and Sutton I love them."

"I will,"

We hung up the phone and I handed it back to my mom, "Saylor is doing okay, they don't know why she is needing so much respiratory support and that's all about Troy knows. He wants me to rest," my mom laughed, "We all want you to rest," I battled back the tears because I was in a lot of discomfort, "Will you grab my nurse? I think I want to take some pain medicine and pump before trying to get some sleep." My mom nodded as it was well after midnight at this point and I was utterly exhausted.

The nurse came back as she helped me get everything set up with the pump and she agreed with getting me some pain medication. I watched Sutton on the camera as he wiggled around and kicked his legs. I smiled as I couldn't wait to get my hands on him. He was such a sweet boy already.

My nurse provided pain medication and I thanked her as I took them with a sip of water. I had already walked around the unit a few times since my epidural wore off as many people suggested it would help but it was always short but it was good to move. I had the best motivation in the world as well. "Do you think I should have more milk than a couple of drops?" I asked my mom in confusion as I looked at the breast pump.

"No, no, your body is doing exactly what it is supposed to do. They don't eat that much. Making that is amazing for just a few hours postpartum." I could only agree because I had no actual idea what was right or wrong. "Especially with how tiny they are – you don't need that much milk for them. They have tiny, tiny stomachs." I reached over and squeezed my mom's hand. "Thank you for being here with me."

She smiled, "Sweetie, I wouldn't be anywhere else in this situation. I wish you had your two babies and your fiancé with you but that isn't how it worked. I will never leave you alone." I smiled, "I know your sister is watching over them, too. You have so many people here for you." I just squeezed her hand again as I finished pumping and grew drowsy from the medication. I had my mom store the milk and I snuggled down into the sheets and my blanket as I closed my eyes.


Troy's POV

"Mr. Bolton?" my eyes were hazy as I looked up to see a doctor and I sat up in the chair, "Yes, hi," I said standing up and he smiled, "I'm Dr. Mills. I have been helping with Saylor over there. I just wanted to give you a little update on that feisty little girl." I couldn't stop my smile as they had finally just started leaving her alone for the most part. "We're concerned because of how much oxygen and support that she is needing on the ventilator. We are ruling out many causes: sepsis, heart problems, etc. So far all of our findings are coming back as nothing. Her lungs are a little hazy but we're honestly thinking she is just under developed at this point. Her heart looks really good functionally and structurally. Her lungs might just be severally underdeveloped which is causing this need for extra support."

I swallowed down on the knot in my throat, "Is she going to be okay though?" I asked and I could hear the emotion in my voice. "We're going to do everything we can for her. She was awake for most of our assessment of her. She is feisty and moves around. I think she's just going to need time. She needs to grow, she needs time to let her lungs develop, she needs just time." I inhaled and I nodded my head, "They identified late in my fiancés pregnancy that they were under developed. Is it something that we did?"

Dr. Mills shook his head, "No. It has nothing to do with what you two did. They are twins. It's a common occurrence that they come early. It is rarer that they were underdeveloped because they each had their own placenta. Yet, they are both underdeveloped. It might have been a split placenta or something like that – we don't know but you as parents did nothing wrong. Mom did nothing wrong with her pregnancy. From what we got from the other hospital is that she did her pre-natal vitamins, didn't smoke, didn't drink, etc. That's all you can do."

I nodded my head, "Sutton seems to be doing a little better lung wise. He's really low on his respiratory support on the ventilator. If he has another good blood gas and doesn't have any sort of spells or moments, we might consider putting him on CPAP and see how he does. We might give him the night though to just rest."

"Why the difference?" I asked and he shrugged, "We never know. They are each different from each other. She is more underdeveloped than him. We will never know the true answers but giving them love, attending to their needs, and making sure they are ready for each step is what we are going to do. This might be a longer journey than anybody expected." I nodded as I exhaled with worry. "Okay, thank you for the update."

"Of course, I heard you might be getting to hold you little man over here soon." I nodded, "I would like, too. Mom's number one wish was that they be loved until she can get here. She wants him to be held."

"Do they have a discharge time for her yet?"

"If she had her way she would have been here already. I am trying to get her to just…rest at the hospital. Her doctor really wants to keep her 48 hours but if she rests and is doing okay, they might release her tomorrow as long as she takes it easy." Dr. Mills gave a soft smile, "Once she is released, we have wheel chairs here for her and not that we can provide medical care for her we will make sure she takes it easy. Sitting in those chairs. Is she trying to breast feed?" I nodded.

"She's been pumping every two hours. She loves that she can see Sutton on the camera. She said watching him helped her produce more." Dr. Mills nodded, "She isn't supposed to be breastfeeding away from them. Having and seeing her baby helps produce the hormones to let down the milk. The videos and pictures will help."

"Thank you, I appreciate all of the information and help." He nodded, "I will be by tomorrow to check on them." I thanked him as he walked away and Jaycee walked over. "Would you like to hold him? I have respiratory therapy who can help move him over to you." I nodded my head, "I would. As long as it's okay for him and it won't hurt him." Jaycee smiled, "It's just a little bit of process with the intubation. We will move him to your arms and then tape all of his lines and everything down so nothing tugs. I would off for you to do chest to chest but with his lines in his belly it's frowned upon."

"I'll hold him however. He needs to be help. Gabi would really like to either video tape it or get pictures. She's sad she can't be here." Jaycee nodded, "I'll recruit some help. We have a little bit of extra time on night shift to make these things happen." I smiled grateful as I sat down in the chair as they had me roll it closer to his incubator. A respiratory therapist came over and she had Saylor's nurse take my phone for a video as they hooked me up with pillows and grabbed warm blankets for him. "You ready?" Jaycee asked. "Do you need to go to the bathroom or anything before we do this?" I shook my head.

"I went a little bit ago," I told them. They all nodded as they collected all of the wires as the respiratory therapist grabbed the ventilator tubing, I watched as Jaycee picked up Sutton and gently moved him towards me. My eyes watched every move as they carefully transferred him into my arms as I looked down at him as they adjusted the tube and they adjusted all of the wires. "Are you comfortable?" Jaycee asked and I nodded. "Yea," I said but my eyes wouldn't leave Sutton, he opened his eyes and I couldn't stop my smile or the tears that collected in my eyes. "Hi buddy," I whispered as I stroked his cheek gently and he wiggled in my arms.

They covered him in blankets to keep him warm and put a little hat on his head. He was so little in my arms as I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. "How about a picture, too?" I looked up at Anna and nodded as I smiled as I held him. My heart finally relaxed for the first time today feeling him in my arms. They gave me my phone back and I just couldn't stop staring at him. He opened his eyes again and looked around with wonder in his eyes. "You are handsome, my little dude," I tucked him closer without tugging on any of his lines. His eyes were not blue in the slightest, but a dark brown. I couldn't stop the smile, "Are you going to look like your momma?" I whispered, "That's not a bad thing."

I snapped a picture of him snuggled in my arms as I sent the picture to Gabi but I also sent it to the boys. It was the middle of the night and I knew I needed to sleep sooner than later but right now, right now I was happy holding him. I sent the video and the picture they took of me to Gabi as well. I sent them to my mom and her mom. I played with his hands as he slowly fell back asleep. "I love you, buddy,"

He twitched in his sleep and I just stroked his face with my thumb. "I am just going to take a quick temperature to make sure he is staying warm, okay?" I nodded as they stuck the thermometer in his armpit as he wiggled and opened his mouth in protest. "Is he okay?" I questioned and she nodded with a smile. "I have yet to meet a baby who likes getting their temperature taken. He's crying but you can't hear it because of the tube. It doesn't hurt though. They are just annoyed." I nodded as I tried to comfort him and she smiled, "He's at the right temperature but I am going to grab fresh warm blankets to keep him that way."

I thanked her as I couldn't stop staring. "Do you miss your sister yet?" I asked him and he barely moved at my statement, "Your mommy can't wait to meet you. She's going to just absolutely love on you." Jaycee brought more blankets as I made sure he was cozy. He was warm and up against me. I continued to stroke his cheek and just be with him.


Gabi's POV

December 31st, 2019

Tears streamed down my face as I watched the video of them giving Sutton over to Troy. It was early in the morning, I was pumping, and just watching the video absolutely melted my heart. The look on Troy's face was pure happiness and he couldn't stop staring at Sutton once he was placed in his arms. The video was more than I could have asked for and then the picture of Troy smiling while holding Sutton? My heart was so happy just looking at it knowing that Sutton was getting so much love from his daddy.

"Gabi, what's wrong?" I looked up as Lennon and Sara walked into the room. My mom was sleeping in the corner and I wiped at my tears, "These are happy tears. There hasn't been many of them recently but these are really happy. Look at this picture," they walked over and looked at the picture of Troy and Sutton. "That looks like one proud daddy," Lennon said. I wiped away the tears as I nodded, "I am just so happy that he was able to hold him. He texted me after they put him back to bed that he was so happy the entire time. I think Troy is sleeping now because he hasn't responded in a bit."

"I think Cameron and Jax were going to check on him at the hospital. Make sure he doesn't need anything. Take him a coffee and some breakfast. Dylan and Jesse are working on the schedule for the next several weeks for basketball so Troy doesn't have to worry about anything." I smiled at how well everybody was banding together. Brady and Ada took Luna back to their house to keep her. I knew his parents were going to come up here later to keep me company so my mom could go home and shower.

"How are you feeling?" Lennon asked as she sat on the edge of the bed, "Okay, they are keeping up on my pain meds and I am pumping as much as I can for those little babes. I feel like if I do those things then I can leave tonight. I want to see my babies tonight." I told them as Sara dropped down a coffee and breakfast in front of me. "Then you need to rest and eat. Recover, mama." I smiled with appreciation as I dug into the breakfast and drank my coffee. After twenty minutes I pulled the pump off and I was making nearly three oz of milk already. I was keeping up my hydration which was helping keeping me moving since I had to get up to go to the bathroom.

"Look at you go," Sara said as she stashed the milk away with the rest. "I just want them to be able to breastfeed. I want to do good things for them and if pumping my milk and giving them that is what I need to do – then I'll do it. I will do whatever I can." Lennon smiled, "Those babies are so lucky to have you as their mama," I smiled as I was thankful for their company. The nurse came in after a while and took all my vitals as they had switched to day shift.

Sara and Lennon hung around for another hour or so just talking and hanging out. I showed them the live feed of Saylor and Sutton. I loved getting to toggle between the two of them and knowing that they were both doing okay. It eased my anxiety. Sara and Lennon told me to text them if I needed absolutely anything and I agreed as they walked out. I called for my nurse to help me get to the bathroom and she came in with a smile, "How are you doing, mama?" I smiled, "I'm okay. I feel like I've been run over by the truck but I'm okay."

"That's normal after a c-section, and vaginal, if you want my honest opinion." I laughed with her and winced at the pain but we walked to the bathroom together. I was much more stable on my feet and I did most of everything on my own. I brushed my teeth and Amanda helped me brush my hair. "Do you want it braided?" I nodded as she was happy to do it and I felt relaxed as she did it. "Let's see if stronger Tylenol will help control your pain today," she suggested and I agreed with her.

She helped me back into bed as I asked her to take a lap in a little bit once she had more time. She agreed and came back with juice and my Tylenol. I happily took it and relaxed in the bed. I itched to call Troy and talk to him. I missed him, too. I wanted him there but I also wanted him, here. I inhaled softly when there was a knock on my door, Dr. Willis walked in and she gave a soft smile. "Hi Gabi, how are you feeling today?"

"Okay, just a little sore and really missing my babies," Dr. Willis sat down next to my bed and squeezed my hand. "I'm so sorry that's how everything had to play out yesterday. I wish it all could have been different. I wish I could have kept them here but it was much better for them to go there." I nodded, "I know. I am so grateful for you and for everything you did yesterday." She nodded, "It's okay to be sad and upset about how your birth went. You deserved for it to go so much better." I thanked her for her understanding as the tears brimmed my eyes. "I am just scared I won't get enough time with them."

"You are going to get plenty time. The nurses reported that you did everything you needed last night and this morning. Drinking lots of fluids, taking your medication, resting, pumping, and taking laps but not pushing yourself. If you have a good day, Tylenol and ibuprofen controls your pain to a comfortable level, and continue to rest for today I am willing to let you leave at 7pm tonight." I felt my heart soar with her words, "But you need to continue to rest today. I will be calling that fiancé of yours and giving him strict instructions and what to look for. How is your bleeding?"

"Okay, it's not super heavy but definitely having to change my pads every four to five hours." She smiled, "Good. Let me take a look at your incision." I let her take a peek at my incisions and she smiled, "It looks good, you will get instructions on how to care for it with your discharge paperwork. Gabi, you have to promise to take it easy at the hospital. Sit there, be with your babies, and let everybody help you. For a while."

"I won't move from the chair if I can go be with them." I told her and she smiled, "I want you to go home at night and get rest." I frowned and I shook my head, "No. I have to stay with them. They need me there." Dr. Willis put her hand on my hand. "Sweetie, you need to sleep in a bed. You can be there all day long but you need to go home at night. They will be in the NICU for a while and you need rest. I am going to tell Troy this. If they have a bad day, and you need one night every now and then overnight then that's one thing but for the first week – go home. Sleep in a bed. Be comfortable." I tried to battle tears, "How am I supposed to go home without them?"

Dr. Willis gave me a soft smile, "You are so strong to get through all of this. You will take those babies home one day and you will know how special it is to do it." She gave me a hug and I hugged her back as she nodded, "Get some rest and have a good day and I will release you tonight." I thanked her as she walked out as I tried to swipe the tears away. My mom came over and she hugged me from the side as the silent tears continued.

"She's not wrong baby, you need to go home and sleep in a bed. You can spend 15 hours at the hospital but you need some time at home. To shower. To sleep. To get away from it all. You and Troy both need, too." My mom kissed my head, "They will take care of them overnight and if anything happens, they will call you. Like we've all told you, you have to be a healthy mom to be a strong mom, to be there for them."

My phone rang and I reached for it to see that it was Troy. I quickly answered it, "Hi," I said as I wiped away the tears. "What's wrong?" he asked me and I hated that he could hear it. "I'm just emotional. Dr. Willis said that she would release me tonight but that I have to sleep in an actual bed at home every night for a while and I just can't wrap my head around going home without my babies." I told him and Troy sighed, "I know, baby girl. I know. You won't get any rest here though; I haven't gotten any rest here. If you come up here tonight, we will spend several hours with them before we both go home to get rest."

"I miss you," I whispered into the phone and I knew that was going to break his heart. "I can take a break from here and come see you. They are going to store your breastmilk here in the milk room and once the babes start eating, they will have a supply for them. I can come get your breast milk and see you for a little bit."

"No, no, stay with them. I will have Beth or somebody run my milk to you."

"How are my babies?" I asked him, "Okay. Saylor is still on high settings and her test results from her recent labs are just okay. They keep tweaking her settings. Sutton is a strong little man; they are talking about extubating him today. He would still have oxygen support but it would be less and he would be able to cry and be held so much easier." I wiped away the tears, "I'm worried about my little girl," I whispered to him.

"I am, too. They think she's just tiny baby and that's why she's struggling. Her lungs are under developed. She just needs time." I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes, "I am going to rest. I love you, thank you for taking such good care of them. I can't stop watching you in the video holding Sutton. You look so happy."

"Just wait until he can be held by his mommy, he has brown eyes," I couldn't stop the swell of tears again, "He does?" I nearly sobbed out and he gave a tiny laugh, "He does. I'll send you a better picture of them." I nodded my head, "I love you, Brie. I'll see you tonight." I hung up and my mom just held me. "He said he has brown eyes," my mom smiled, "He is going to look like his momma, huh?" I nodded as I wiped my eyes.

"Let's get some rest before you have to pump again, okay?" I agreed as I rested back in the bed and fell into some more sleep.


Dr. Willis walked into the room at 630 and her eyes gave me a tired smile, "I heard you were on your best behavior today," I nodded my head as I did take really good naps, I did more laps around the unit, and my pain truly was controlled by the meds and alternating them to never let them get behind. I took a shower with the help of the nurse and changed into a pair of leggings and one of Troy's t-shirts. "I just want to see my babies," I told her and she nodded.

"I talked to Troy and he knows all of the instructions. I have a feeling he will be strict with them. He already told me that he plans to be in your guy's bed tonight. He sounds fairly tired himself. I just want you to be safe but I know how much you need to be with those babies. This isn't normal to be without them after birth which can impact your milk supply but I hear you are doing okay?" I nodded, "I watch videos of them and look at their live feed in the NICU."

"Good, you are doing all the right things, Gabi. Please, continue, take the rest when you can get it. Eat meals. Drink plenty of water. Okay?" I nodded my head as she signed the paperwork and squeezed my shoulder. "I'll see you in two weeks to look at that incision again and take the staples out. Did the nurse discuss how to take care of it?" I nodded my head again, "After my shower."

"Perfect. You are a free woman; Amanda will wheel you to the car. You can't drive for two weeks, okay?" I nodded my head in understanding. My mom smiled as Dr. Willis left the room, "Are you ready?" I nodded my head quickly as it didn't take long for Amanda to come in with the wheelchair. My mom had loaded up the car earlier with all of the things and Beth had taken my milk over to the Children's hospital earlier. I had a cooler of the last bit that I had pumped in my lap.

"Here is a pillow, this will help with car rides and your incision." Amanda said and I thanked her as they helped me into the car. Luckily, my mom drove a bigger car so it was easy to slide into. I put the pillow against my stomach and then buckled my seat belt as my mom looked over. "I texted Troy. I am going to go home after I drop you off and then take your things back to your house, okay? I am going to give you and Troy the space you need. You let us know when you are ready for visitors to meet those babies, okay?"

My fingers squeezed her hand, "Thank you so much, mom." She squeezed my hand back and she took off towards the Children's hospital. I was giddy and nervous but so happy that I was going to see them and get unlimited time with them tonight. Troy text me updates all day today. Sutton had a really good day. They checked out his heart and his heart were normal and all of his other tests were coming back great. It was just how little he was and him needing to grow. They were going to extubate him this evening but I hadn't heard if it happened yet. Troy held him once more today but spent most of his time holding Saylor's hand.

My mom pulled up to the front entrance of the hospital and the first person I saw was Troy. Tears filled my eyes seeing him in person. He was still in his sweatpants from yesterday with a James Island basketball t-shirt on. His hair was nearly standing up on its own and I knew that he was stressed when it looked like that. Troy's eyes had bags underneath of them and his eyes were blood shot as my mom parked the car and Troy took two strides and opened the door. I unbuckled my seat belt as his hand slipped into mine to help me out. My entire body was warm with his touch and when I was standing his entire body engulfed mine.

I just closed my eyes and rested against him as I listened to his heart beat. His lips pressed into my hair and his fingers gripped my t-shirt. "Hi," I whispered to him and he just chuckled, "Hi, Brie," I tilted my head back to look at him and he wiped away my tears with his thumb. "I love you so much," he whispered as he pressed his forehead to mine. "I love you, too. I really want to go see my babies though." Troy nodded his head as he pulled over a wheelchair and I gingerly sat back into it as I grimaced. "You, okay?" I nodded my head as my mom handed me my bag and then the breast milk. "Here ya go sweetie, Troy, let me know if you guys need anything okay?"

Troy nodded as he hugged my mom and thanked her for being my support person at the hospital. My mom just hugged him back as he turned and started to push the wheelchair into the hospital. "Get your ID out," he told me and I slipped it out of my wallet as he wheeled me up to security. He scanned a wristband he was wearing and they took my ID and printed me an ID that spelled NICU across it with my name.

"How are they?" I asked him as we made our way to the elevator. "Good. Sutton was extubated about thirty minutes ago. He is doing really well on CPAP. He has the cutest little cry and I know he is so excited to see his momma. Saylor is finally settled they think and getting what she needs. They have her on a few different drips to help her but she is doing okay. They both have the same nurses tonight as they had last night and they are amazing. I feel comfortable leaving tonight with the both of them."

I swallowed, "Do we have to go home tonight?" I asked him and he nodded his head as he pushed the button for the elevator. "Yes, baby, we do. You need to sleep. I need to sleep. I got a couple cat naps in during the last 24 hours but we both need some solid sleep. We can get up early and be back early in the morning." I inhaled and nodded my head as we got onto the elevator and he pressed the buttons. "I need to drop off this milk," I told him. "They have a breast pump for you here as well. I already got it rented out for you. You just have to return it once they are discharged."

Once we got up to the floor, I had to get a wristband like Troy's and they mentioned an orientation. "Can we do that tomorrow by chance? She just wants to see the babies and we're both exhausted. For the full benefit…tomorrow might be better." They agreed with him as we dropped off the milk and Troy guided me through the NICU. The ringing alarms, the babies crying, and all of the chatter on the unit almost overwhelmed me. Troy gently slipped his hand over my shoulder and gave it a squeeze as if he knew what I was thinking. He turned a corner and D was on the wall as he stopped at the first two beds.

"We're here," Troy said and I felt tears well in my eyes. "Who do you want to stop and see first?" he asked me. "Saylor," was the first thing out of my mouth knowing that she needed some mommy love. He wheeled me over and he put the brakes on to the wheel chair, "Anna," Troy greeted and Anna turned around with a smile. "This is their mama, Gabi." He introduced and Anna smiled, "Gabi, it's a pleasure to meet you. You and Troy here make some awful cute babies," I couldn't stop my smile on my face as I knew they would be cute. "She would like to see Saylor," Troy mentioned and Anna nodded as Troy gently grabbed my hand as he helped lift me up from the chair as I stood on my two feet. They had me wash my hands as did Troy and then walked back over to Saylor.

Troy helped open the little windows on the incubator as I just took her in with the pink blankets surrounding her. She was so tiny and her chest was moving up and down as her eyes flickered open. "Hi sweet girl," I stuck my hand inside as I stroked her skin. She was laying on her side and I just rubbed her hand. "Saylor, momma loves you so much." Her eyes were gray and she had the tiniest little features on her face. "Mom, would you like to help take her temperature?"

I looked up at Anna and I just nodded my head, "Yes, please," she smiled as she taught me how to do it and I did it with her assistance. Troy stood right behind me and I was almost able to relax my body into his body. The number came back as 36.8 and I looked up at the nurse, "Is that good?" I questioned and she nodded. "We want their temperatures between 36.5 to 37.5 Celsius. That is the most important thing with them being this little. We want to make sure they stay nice and warm. That's why they are in the box. It helps regulate their temperature."

"What are all the lines?" I asked and Anna took the time to explain the heart monitors, the oxygen saturation, the lines in their belly button that were delivering her medication and monitoring her blood pressure. She explained the breathing tube and all without any sort of annoyance. "The respiratory therapist is going to come over and help me flip her onto her back. After that, if you want to help you can change her diaper."

The tears filled my eyes, "I can?" she nodded her head with a smile. "Absolutely. We try to let you parents do as much as you can. I'll watch her tube while you change her diaper. We want to give you the independence." I blinked away the tears and I took in a deep breath of air as Troy kissed my head. I just continued to hold her tiny little hand, "They all kept telling me how feisty she is," Troy said and I smiled. "That's my girl,"

I wiped away my tears as she had a dusting of hair on her on her tiny little head. "Okay, I want to go see Sutton." I told Troy. He nodded as he helped me sit in the chair and he shut the little doors before wheeling me towards Sutton. He helped me stand again and I could nearly sob from seeing his perfect little face as he was all snuggled up in his blankets. He had nasal prongs in his nose and they were taped to his face but his mouth was free of anything. I covered my mouth as he had the same dusting of hair on his head as Troy popped open the door after we put hand sanitizer on our hands.

"When can I hold him?" I whispered as I couldn't stop the overwhelming emotion. "Soon," Troy said quietly. "They are each on an 8/12/4 schedule. You can change his diaper and take his temperature and then you can snuggle him for as long as you want. They will continue to check his temperature while you hold him to make sure he is staying warm." I wiped at my tears, "Can we do skin-to-skin?" Troy grimaced and shook his head, "Not yet. The lines in his belly button are a risk to do skin-to-skin. If they get pulled it might cause a bleed. Once they come out though – you can do it all the time." I nodded in understanding. "I only want to do what is best for him."

He introduced me to Jaycee and she again helped me check his temperature and I was able to change his diaper. It felt really good to just feel like a parent to my baby. "Hi buddy," I whispered as I stroked his skin and he turned his head and I couldn't help but smile at him. "I need to pump first," I told Troy and he nodded, "Let them finish their work and then you can hold him. Okay?" I nodded as I sat in the chair by Sutton's bed and Troy helped me with the breast pump. I showed him how to put it together because it was the same one at the other hospital. I hooked up both sides and they plugged it in and we started it just like the lactation consultant showed me at the hospital.

Troy sat in the other chair next to me and he stroked my hand as we watched the two nurses tend to our babies. "When can I try and breast feed him?" I asked and Jaycee looked up, "Right now they have him NPO – basically meaning nothing by mouth. They both are. They have TPN, which is like your electrolytes and nutrition that you need, and lipids, which is the fat they need. That is their nutrition right now. We will probably wait a few days to let you build up some milk and to just give Sutton time to try and come off CPAP. We can't feed them on CPAP because of the pressure and not allowing them to swallow properly. If it takes too long, we will drop a NG tube, which goes through their nose and down to their stomach to feed them. If he is able to come off CPAP within a couple of days then you can try and breast feed him and bottle feed him."

I nodded in more understanding, "But we can try and breastfeed at some point?" Jaycee smiled, "Yes. Both of them. It might be a while before Saylor can but eventually, they can both try." Troy squeezed my hand as I pumped for thirty minutes and got a handful from both sides. "Getting to see them definitely helped," I told Troy as I mixed the two sides together and he smiled as he put a patient label on it for me. "I'll run this up for you, do you need to go to the bathroom?" I nodded as Troy helped me into the wheelchair.

Troy wheeled me to the bathroom, "I need help," I admitted to him. "It's hard for me to sit and stand back up," Troy gave me a soft smile and nodded, "Let's drop this off and then we can do the bigger bathroom." We dropped off the milk and then went another bigger bathroom. He wheeled me in and he helped me stand up. His eyes were soft as he looked at me and he framed my face. "Are you okay?" I nodded my head, "I'm better now that I'm here."

"Will you please tell me when you aren't, okay? Mentally, physically, anything?" I just nodded my head as he dropped his lips to mine for a quick kiss. He then helped me sit on the toilet and back up into the wheel chair once I was done and hands were all washed. We went back and I got comfy in the chair as they gave me pillows and what not before they were moving Sutton in my direction. Tears welled in my eyes as they rested him in my arms and put warm blankets around him to keep him warm. "Hi baby boy," I whispered as I looked at him with blurry eyes. His eyes flickered open and those brown eyes stared at me.

"You are such a handsome little man, yes, you are." Troy stroked my hair gently as I stared at Sutton. He kissed my head and I couldn't stop crying look at him. His tiny little head wiggled around and I just laughed while holding him. "Mama is here, I'm here," I whispered to him. His little fingers reached up and he brushed his fingers over my shirt. I pressed my lips to his tiny head. "I love you so much little man, so much,"

Troy sat next to me and I looked at him, "He's perfect," I said to him and he reached over to wipe my tears away, "He is." Troy agreed. "We don't have to leave anytime soon, right?" Troy shook his head, "Nope. You just sit back and hold your little boy, you deserve this." I just nodded as I wiped my tears away with my free hand as we took a family picture after I learned Troy had Anna record me getting to hold Sutton.

There was even a picture of me staring at him and Troy kissing my head. I loved looking at them and sent them in the group chat of everybody who was getting updates on our little babes. I just relaxed in the chair as I stared at him. This was exactly where I was supposed to be.


At least it was a bit of a happy ending to this chapter! This will be a journey for these two to manage together – with all of Gabi's hospital anxiety on top of it. Hope you all enjoyed! Can't wait to share the next chapters!

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Next Update: September 26th