Chapter 36 – Infection
Tuesday, January 7th, 2020
Gabi's POV
I patiently waited for rounds as were just going to let Sutton do non-nutritive sucking. Mostly, I was going to pump and then with the help of a lactation consultant we were going to see him latch and just get the feel of it without worry of a big letdown. It was the first step in the right direction. We were waiting until rounds to make sure it was all a go still. Troy picked up my hand and he brushed his fingers over my hand.
"You're nervous," I nodded my head, "I just want it to go well," I said and Troy just gave a small smile, "I know. One day at a time," I relaxed a little as Saylor had another good night. They were able to wean her oxygen support a little bit more and they were happy with her improvements. The team came around and they first talked about Saylor and then moved to Sutton. They adjusted how much food they were getting and less TPN and lipids.
They all agreed that Sutton could try non-nutritive feeding and they made sure we were updated. Troy and I thanked them as they moved on to the next family. Megan smiled, "Just let me know when you're done pumping and then we'll get him out." I couldn't stop my smile as I began to set up all the parts. Troy was up and talking to Saylor. I took twenty minutes to pump when I got my normal amount. Troy took it and he told me that I had to wait and I just laughed with a nod as he went to drop off the milk.
Megan got Sutton out of his incubator and she handed him to me as he was already almost four pounds. He was gaining weight like they wanted and were close to discontinuing his TPN and Lipids. That would get his line removed and we would truly only be working on growing, maintain his temperature, and eating. Troy came rounding the corner and I smiled over at him as the lactation consultant wasn't far behind. I unbuttoned my shirt as she made sure he was in good position.
His eyes were wide open as he rooted around and I felt my eyes grow soft watching him. Once my nipple was in his mouth, he tried to coordinate sucking. It didn't hurt to latch on and I knew that we were going to be natural at this someday. "Oh, look at him go," I couldn't stop the well of tears in my eyes as I watched him try and figure it out. I supported his head as we were only allowing him ten minutes. He mostly was just trying to figure out how to suck and use his mouth like he was supposed, too. His mouth worked and worked for those ten minutes. I had to wipe away the tears and I watched him with so much love.
Once our ten minutes was up everybody celebrated the feat and I felt on top of the world. "Can I just hold him for a bit?" I questioned and Megan smiled with a nod as I let him rest on my bare chest. I looked over at Troy with a big smile on my face as he squeezed my hand. "I could definitely watch you do that all the time. You are an amazing mom," Troy said simply and I couldn't stop my smile. "That was amazing," I whispered as I stroked his hair while I brushed my fingers over his tiny head. The game plan was to allow him to do that for every feeding today. Tomorrow, we would start slow with one feeding when he was the most awake.
Every day would be a progression.
He had fallen fast asleep on my chest when my phone rang. I handed it to Troy and he answered it, "Hey Gina," I smiled knowing that my parents were most likely here. "Yea, I'll meet you in the lobby. Gabi and Sutton are currently snuggling." Troy chuckled, "Yes, I will meet you out there." He hung up the phone as he came over and kissed the top of my head. "I'll be back with your parents." I nodded as I rocked Sutton as they had covered him with blankets and put a little hat on his head to keep him warm after his last temperature check.
My eyes lingered on Saylor who appeared to be awake based on her heart rate – it was wild that I had picked up on that already. Megan was in with her and I saw a tiny frown on her face, "Everything okay?" I asked and Megan nodded, "Yea, she's just not as feisty as normal." I frowned myself this time. "She might just be a little sleepy today." I just nodded my head as I heard Troy come around the corner with my mom and dad.
I couldn't stop my smile as they both showed up with their own big smile on their faces. Troy showed both them where to wash their hands. He introduced Megan to them. "Hi sweetheart," my mom said as she bent over and kissed the top of my head. "Hi, would you like to meet your grandson?" My mom had tears in her ears as I gently pulled him off my chest and lowered him into my arms while keeping him wrapped in blankets.
"Oh, my goodness, look how handsome," my mom sat in Troy's chair as she stared at him. "That is a mighty fine-looking fella," My dad said and I couldn't stop my smile looking back at him. "Here, mom, if you want to hold him. You can sit there and I will hand him to you." My mom didn't disagree as I stood up and we switched spots. I gently handed him over to my mom and she couldn't stop her own tears as she stared at him.
"Oh, he is beautiful," My dad took the spot next to my mom as Troy gently pulled my body back against his. I couldn't stop my own tears as they slipped down my cheeks so thankful that my parents were here and meeting our kids. I looked over towards Saylor and she was just sleeping in there. My heart ached knowing how much she was missing out on but I also knew this was the best for her. I turned from Troy as I reached inside the box as I held her tiny hand.
"She's stunning," I looked up as my dad was looking down at her. I couldn't hide my tears because she was but you couldn't see much with all the tubes and wires still. I tried to hide my shoulders shaking but I couldn't speak because I knew only a sob would come out. "I heard she's feisty, I know a little girl like that." My dad sent me a smile and I just sent him a watery smile. Troy showed him how to open the door and he held her other hand. She opened her eyes and moved her body. "Hi Saylor, I'm Papa Andy. I can't wait to hold you one day." I couldn't hide it this time and I felt Troy's strong arms wrap around my waist. He tugged my body into his because this isn't how my parents should be meeting their grandbabies.
"I know, I know," I just gripped his t-shirt and let my body calm down before Troy was letting go. I was confused until my dad was wrapping me in a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, Gabi, I wish I could take all of this away from you." I just held onto my dad as I was comforted in his embrace. "You just shouldn't be meeting them like this," I wiped at my eyes and my dad smiled as he brushed a few off my cheek. "I wouldn't choose to meet them like this but I am just glad that I am getting to meet them. To tell them I love them."
My chin trembled and my dad looked over at Saylor, "She's a little fighter. I can see it already. She might look like her dad but I can already see that she has your personality. That's a fighter. I know you are a fighter. She is going to do big things and I know one day I will get to come in here and snuggle her like I am going to do with that handsome boy." I just hugged my dad again as he kissed my head. "I love you, dad,"
"I love you, too, Gabs." I let him go as I wiped away my tears. My mom handed Sutton off to my dad and my mom was quick to hug me. "I'm sorry, sweetie," I just held onto her. I introduced her to Saylor and my mom just stared at her with a watery smile. Her fingers stroked Saylor's and I swallowed on the lump in my throat. "I am going to go get a drink," I said looking over towards Troy. He let his eyebrows scrunch together as I picked up my water container. I walked off but bailed towards the bathroom as I tried to shut the door but Troy was in right behind me.
I just walked forward and he shut the door locking it behind him as I covered my mouth to try and stop it but Troy shook his head as he pulled me into his arms. "It's okay, you can cry." His fingers pulled me into his body and I let out that devastating sob. I felt Troy flinch as he just held me close to his body. "I'm sorry, I didn't expect this to be so hard." I tried to say and Troy shook his head, "There is nothing to apologize for. This isn't how you pictured any of this happening. You had an idea of how your parents would meet our children and that wasn't it." I just nodded my head while he wiped away the tears.
"There is nothing to apologize for. I understand."
"Then my dad said he was just thankful that he gets to meet them and tell him he loves them and…" I tried to choke back the tears, "Because he didn't get to say good-bye to Zoey and I know how much that hurts him. To tell her that he loved her one more time. Saylor is still critically stable and I just…" I was near hyperventilating. Troy just wrapped his entire body around me and lowered us to the ground. "Shh…baby, listen, just imagine how in a few weeks' time we will be sitting at home with our two beautiful babies. We will be in our living room and they will be laying on the floor as we just stare at them and love on them."
"We'll each have probably cold coffee but we'll smile at each other knowing that we made them and we made it through this journey. We'll be together and Luna will finally meet her siblings. Our friends will all come and love on them all the time. There are brighter days in front of us. So many good days in front of us. You are going to love on them so much and never take a day for granted with them. You know how precious time is. I just want you to imagine that and hold onto that. Hold onto the good moments that are going to come when this becomes too much." I felt my body relaxing against his and my breathing started to regulate again.
He never loosened his grip and he never stopped whispering in my ear about all the good things in our life. Once I completely relaxed against Troy he kissed the top of my head, "I'll give you a few minutes. I'm going to go check on the babes with your parents. Okay? Unless you need me to stay right there." I shook my head as I relaxed my grip on him and he pulled back only to look into my eyes. "We're going to make it through this, okay?" I just nodded and he kissed my forehead. He stood up and helped me up along the way. "Just like your dad said – you are both fighters." I just rest my forehead on his chest and he gave me a tight squeeze. I moved as he gave me one more look before walking out the door with my water cup.
I gripped the sink as I took in several deep beaths to calm myself down. I was okay. My kids were okay. Troy was okay. We were here. Yes, this wasn't how it was supposed to go but I am capable of rolling with the punches. I can do it.
Splashing water on my face and making sure my body was calm – I walked back out onto the unit and made it back to where my parents were just ogling over their grandkids. My mom was holding Sutton again and my dad was standing with Saylor. Troy was talking with my mom and they both shared a smile. I walked over as my dad scooped me to his side and we watched my little girl together.
Troy's POV
I knew it was coming. I just didn't know what the trigger was going to be.
I should have known it might have been her parents meeting them. Beth might be another one. Her dad felt terrible that she broke down but I had to reassure him several times that it was a long time coming. It wasn't normal how upbeat she had been about the whole thing so far. It was just the first trigger. I knew there would be more but I wanted to prevent all of them. I wanted to protect her and bottle her up.
Her parents left after thirty more minutes of Gabi coming back. She curled up in her chair and was taking a nap before Sutton's next feeding. I loved seeing her on top of the world at that moment. The appropriate pictures on my phone you could just see the glow in her face. I shot a text to my parents to come after three. That would give plenty of time to work with Sutton without my mom and dad around. These were there first grandchildren and I knew they were so anxious to meet them.
My phone buzzed and I picked up the call from Jesse. "What's up?" I questioned as I brushed my fingers over my stubble on my chin. "Just checking on you and Gabi. We haven't heard from you guys today." I sighed as my eyes lingered on her in the chair. "It's been an emotional day. She got to let Sutton practice breastfeeding today and she was riding that high. Sutton is doing well, still on the nasal cannula but no other complications. Saylor weaned on her settings last night but has been grumpy today."
"Doesn't sound too bad," I grunted, "Sadly, not the end of my story. Her parents came up and she was excited and happy for her parents to meet the babies. I think it was just a trigger- a reminder that Zoey wasn't here and her dad mentioned that he was just happy he got to meet them and tell them he loved them. I think it was just a reminder that none of this is normal. She could barely breathe she was crying so hard. We sat on the bathroom floor for at least 15 minutes trying to get her to just relax and breathe again."
Jesse grunted, "I'm so sorry, man, I've been thinking over and over again what if this was Sage and I. I couldn't imagine the pain and the horror of all of this." I just smiled while I played with my jeans. "I appreciate it man, I hope you don't end up here. I do hope that my kids are home before yours shows up." Jesse laughed, "Me, too. Does Gabi need anything?" I shook my head, "No. I think we're going to stay for all of Sutton's feedings today and then go home. I'm hoping she'll sleep well tonight."
"We told the team today," I felt my gut twist, "They all wanted to pitch in and get you and Gabi dinner one night. I told them they didn't have too but when I left there was an envelope of cash." I pinched the bridge of my throat and I could feel the emotion building in the base of my throat. "I'll stay late into practice Monday to see all of them. I won't stay for it. Just enough to say hi to the team." I explained and Jesse smiled, "Good. Jax told me about your game the other night."
I laughed as I wiped the tears away and nodded, "Yea, I needed that. Might need another one soon."
"You just let us know. We're in your corner."
I thanked them and Gabi started to stir as I told Jesse I would call him back later. Gabi sat up and she rubbed her eyes. Megan was getting in with Sutton as Gabi started to reach for all of her pumping stuff. She hooked it up and her eyes fluttered close again. I reached for her hand as I laced our fingers together. "We can leave after this if you want," she shook her head. "No, it's okay. Your parents are coming and I want to be around for his 5 feeding." She explained softly and I just nodded my head.
She went and opened her mouth and I knew she was about to apologize and I shook my head. "No. There is nothing to be sorry for. Nothing." I reminded her and she turned her eyes away. My god, what I wouldn't give to just wrap her up and keep her against me. I picked up my phone and I shot a text to Jenna and Beth.
Troy: Hey ladies, I think Gabs is need of some love tonight. I can make dinner if you both will come over and spend time with her. Gabi will love to see Willa.
I set my phone down and I just held onto her hand as she stared at Saylor. "Let's leave after 5 – okay? I'll cook dinner tonight." Gabi didn't really say or do anything. She just gave a nod of her head and my heart broke in half watching her. "Gabi, baby, what's wrong," I whispered and she looked over at me. Her eyes were so sad and I would do anything to make that look go away. "I'm tired," she finally said and I went to say something but she shook her head. "I'm okay, I just…I want your parents to meet their first grandkids. I want to try and let Sutton feed some more." She gave me a tiny smile and I just nodded my head.
"Okay," I told her. My phone buzzed and I picked it up to see a few text messages.
Jenna: of course. What time? I can run to the grocery store for you. Let me know what you need. Is she doing, okay? I've been worried about her.
Beth: Let me know a time and I'll be there. Mom said she was really emotional when they were there.
Jenna: Oh no! Poor girl. She doesn't deserve this. What I wouldn't give to make this all better for her.
Beth: I know. She's got Troy, though, she's okay. Dad said he was amazing at making sure she was supported.
I couldn't stop my small smile as I was glad that I made a good impression with her parents today. I felt like I was spiraling earlier but I knew I had to give Gabi the attention she deserved and needed today.
Troy: She had a rough time with your parents here. I think it made it more real and that this wasn't normal. That her parents should be seeing their grandchild with a tube down their throat. Your dad mentioned something about how he was glad that he got to meet her and tell her he loved them both. I think that just kinda of triggered her to everything that is happening. I have been waiting for this moment. She's okay but she needs some extra love.
I sent Jenna a simple recipe that Gabi loved to eat when I made it. She sent a thumbs up and I looked back at Gabi who was finishing pumping. I took her milk and labeled it for her. I paused as I dipped down to kiss her head. "I love you, baby,"
She looked up at me with those watery eyes and she smiled, "I love you, too." I kissed her once more before I walked to go put it in the milk room. They took it from me and I thanked them as I took five deep breaths. I walked back out as I went to the bed spot and they had already gotten Sutton out of bed and he was at her breast. She was a natural with it. The lactation consult praised her earlier today for how well she did with him. She was staring at him with a tiny smile on her face. Her love for him so strong. I watched him squirm and move as he tried to figure out what he is supposed to be doing.
He stretched his arms out and mostly nestled into her breasts. She was already so patient with him as she smiled and gently moved him. He pulled back and let out a cry as she just smiled at him and pulled him up to rest on her chest. I stared at her with unconditional love in my heart. The way she just stroked his little body and held him against her body. I took a picture on my phone as her eyes were directed at him. This was how it should be – just a mom and her son. Or her daughter. His fingers curled up on her chest and I just…I couldn't handle how much I loved both of them. All three of them.
Her eyes lifted up and I gave her a smile, "You are beautiful," Gabi blushed and shook her head, "I'm just doing what all moms do," I laughed as I shook my head and crouched down to brush my fingers over his face. "No, just watching you…the way you love on him. It's beautiful."
"I really do love him. I just want to protect both of them." I smiled softly, "I know you, do baby," she gave a sad smile and her tears were there again. "I hate that I couldn't protect them longer. Couldn't have kept them inside longer."
"You did it as long as you could. They had other plans. It was nothing you did. You know that." She exhaled and wiped at her eyes while kissing his head. "You did everything right, Brie. Everything." She nodded with those blurry eyes. I just kissed her cheek and wiped away her tears. She continued to just hold Sutton as they piled on the blankets and Gabi just curled up with him. He cried out a few times but she just held onto him.
Gabi's POV
I just stroked Saylor's skin as something had been off all day with her and I hated that I couldn't pinpoint what it was. I changed her diaper and checked her temperature. It was all fine. "I'm sorry, baby," I whispered to her. Troy's parents had come up to meet them. They were over the moon. Laura cried holding Sutton and then again while holding Saylor's hand. Tommy was a proud grandfather. Troy was the happy dad and I tried my hardest to paste a smile on my face.
Troy saw right through all of it though. Laura and Tommy were all hugs and smiles while they were here. I loved them dearly and I was happy to see them. They deserved to see and meet their first grandchildren. I just wish it wasn't like this. I think that was the hardest part about it. I did Sutton's five o'clock feeding and he did better than his last one but he was sleepier. He did okay at the last one but we all determined his first attempt at breastfeeding would be his noon feeding tomorrow.
Troy came over and he kissed the back of my head, "Are you ready to get out of here?" I shook my head as I stared at Saylor, "Somethings wrong with her," I whispered and Troy squinted as he looked at her. She was laying on her side with her arms swaddled with a thin blanket. She looked to be uncomfortable and I couldn't place what was wrong with my beautiful girl. "I should stay here tonight. I don't want her to be alone."
"Baby, you need rest." He reminded me and I just blinked my eyes, "No. What if something happens to her and none of us are here? I can't tell you what's wrong but something is wrong." My chest tightened and Troy didn't say anything but he wrapped me up in his arms again. "They will call us with the smallest changes." Troy whispered and I knew they would. I just didn't want her to be alone if something was wrong.
I pulled myself out of Troy's embrace and I looked over at Megan who was charting. "Megan, is Saylor, okay?" I asked and she nodded, "She's been steady all day today. Why?" she got up and came over to look at her with me. I just shrugged, "I just feel like she's off. I can't explain it. I don't want to leave her alone if she's not okay." My tears brimmed and Megan squeezed my hand. "She sounds good, her temperatures have been good today, and her diapers have all been wet. She's showing no signs of stress."
"Will you please have them call me if anything changes? I don't want her to be alone." I reiterated and Megan nodded. "Of course. I will pass it along. You go home and rest. You and Sutton have a big day tomorrow." I gave a tiny smile and nodded as I turned towards Troy who reached up to cup my face. His thumb brushing against my skin, I loved the way he looked at me earlier. As if I was the golden star in the sky. The way he saw me after letting Sutton practice feed. I love him.
"Okay," I told him and he nodded as we packed up our things. I kissed each of my baby's goodnight and told them how much I loved them. Troy did the same as we walked out of the hospital. The drive home was quiet. I tried to pay attention to my phone and all of the text messages and love. I browsed through my social media but everything just too much. I rubbed my eyes heavily and I exhaled as Troy pulled into the garage. We both got out and I went inside knowing that I only wanted to shower and crawl into bed.
"I'll cook some dinner," Troy said and I didn't respond as I headed for the door. I opened it up and had only walked five steps before I felt my heart take flight in my chest as Jenna and Beth were sitting in the living room. I walked over to them as they both engulfed me into a tight hug. I don't know how they knew I needed something extra today but I really did. Troy was doing his damn best but just some girl love. "Hi sweetie," Jenna whispered and I couldn't stop my tears from rolling down my face.
"Oh Gabi, I'm so sorry," Beth's voice was comforting and I just pulled back wiping my eyes. "How did you guys know I needed you?" Jenna smiled, "Your amazing fiancée," I turned around to see Troy was busy going through the fridge and I shook my head. "He is just too amazing,"
I briefed them both on the day that I had and how I just felt…terrible. "I feel like a terrible mother. I couldn't prevent this. I couldn't protect them. This is my fault." Beth shook her head back and forth. "This is not your fault." Jenna balanced Willa on her lap as she cooed. "Gabi, you did everything right. This isn't your fault and I know that man in there has told you that. Doctors have told you that. You need to believe it."
"It was just…having to let the grandparents meet them like that? It's not what I wanted. I don't want that. I don't want my kids to be remembered like that." I brushed the tears off, "They won't be. They are going to be here soon enough and getting so much love they will be smothered with it." Jenna rubbed my back and I just leaned into her. Willa reached for me and I picked her up as I smiled and cooed at her. "I did get to let Sutton try and breastfeed today. They had me pump first to just let him get the hang of it. Tomorrow we are going to do an actual feed."
"That is exciting. One step forward," Jenna encouraged and I smiled, "He is also is over four pounds. He's getting better at maintaining his temperature but are going to give him more time in the box to just let him get bigger and not stress him in any form or fashion. Sutton is my saving grace. I am worried about Saylor though. I just…I don't know. She was off today." Beth smiled, "You are such an amazing mother," I gave her a look and she shook her head. "You are."
"You already are talking about something being wrong with Saylor and she's been intubated in the hospital since her birth. You're amazing, Gabs," I looked at Willa and I stroked her skin. "I just want them home. I want them in my arms. Together."
"They will be here, soon."
I exhaled and nodded my head as Troy ventured into the living room. I gave Willa to Jenna and I went over as I gave him a big hug. "Thank you," I whispered to him and he kissed the top of my head. "Of course, baby, dinner is done for all of you." The girls smiled as we all piled in the kitchen. We ate dinner and I laughed with my best friend and sister. Troy smiled and excused himself to go work on some stuff for his sub this week.
"He's been such an amazing man these past several days. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through all of this without him."
"Luckily, you don't have too." Beth said and I smiled with a nod. Yes, I was lucky.
Troy's POV
Wednesday, January 8th, 2020
I heard my phone ring. I opened my eyes as it was pitch black in the room. Gabi was sleeping next to me, she pumped just a little while ago. My phone rang again and I reached over for it as my stomach dropped. It was the hospital. It was 5am.
I answered it and pressed the phone to my ear, bile rising in my throat, "Hello?" I was so fucking nervous. I was just happy they called me. "Mr. Bolton?" I nodded, "Yes, this is him."
"Hi, it's Maggie, the twin's night nurse tonight. I just wanted to call and give you an update. The day nurse practitioner will also give you a call in the morning after she gets to the hospital. Sutton is having a good night and is happy as can be." My stomach somersaulted, Saylor. Gabi knew something was wrong with Saylor. "Is she okay?" the words shot out and I closed my eyes as I felt Gabi moving behind me.
"She's had a really rough night. We think she has pneumonia. We had to increase her oxygen requirements all night and she was still desating. She had a high heart rate, she started running a fever, and just was breathing not very well. We put her on a different ventilator – a higher power one. It's called the oscillator. It helps pop open then lungs and it's easier on her lungs. Her chest x-ray was pretty white, which just means junk in her lungs, and overall, just isn't feeling that well." I closed my eyes painfully, "Is she going to be, okay?"
"It's touch and go," my heart cracked in half as I just nodded my head, "We'll be up in a little bit, okay?" she agreed and I felt Gabi's hand on my back. "Troy? Who is that?" I took a deep breath before I turned towards her. Her brown eyes were sleepy and I could see her searching my face. Her lips fell and I knew I didn't have to say anything for her to know. "Is she okay?" her voice was panicked and she was scrambling to get up. "Troy, is she okay?" her words were desperate and I nodded. "She's okay, she just got really sick overnight."
Gabi got up and rushed to her closet where she was pulling on leggings and a button up top to make nursing easier. I got up as I went over and I put my hands on her and I stopped her. "Gabi, baby, breathe," she shook her head as she pulled away from me. "I told you something was wrong with her last night. I told you. She wasn't okay and I wanted to stay and be there for her. I didn't want to leave her alone." Her words turned to sobs and I let her finish getting ready. I grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt with a crew neck. I slid on a pair of tennis shoes as we both brushed our teeth. My eyes were pained to watch the silent tears roll down her face.
Once we were both done, she started to walk away and I gently grabbed her arm. "I want to tell you more about the conversation, please,"
"In the car," I shook my head, "No. Because I want to be able to hug you. I can't do that in the car. Please," she conceded and I pulled her between my legs. "They think she has pneumonia. Her lungs don't look great. They had to put her on a higher power ventilator. She said it will help open up her lungs. She was running a fever. She's sick, Brie." Her face crumbled and I just brought her into my body. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry that I didn't believe you last night. She's okay though, we are going to spend all day with her and if we need to stay the night we can."
"I just need to be there for her," I nodded as we walked out of the house. I knew I would go grab us coffee and breakfast later. I just wanted to get her there. She was quiet the entire ride to the hospital as the sun hadn't even started to rise. I pulled into the parking garage at the hospital and we ventured through security and up to the floor. Gabi drifted ahead of me and I let her as we walked through the doors in the NICU back towards where the babies were.
Gabi was at Saylor's side immediately but I noticed the group of nurses and a doctor around as well. I stood behind Gabi as she didn't open the door but one look in at Saylor you could see the night and day difference between just 12 hours. The new ventilator was noisy as you could hear the power behind it. "Gabi, Troy, I didn't mean to alarm you." Maggie started and Gabi shook her head, "No, no, I need to be here with her."
Maggie just nodded as another nurse was taking care of Sutton. "Gabi, Troy, so sorry that you are here this early in the morning." Dr. Jones was working tonight as he walked over. "Saylor took a bit of a turn last night. We have confirmed that she has pneumonia in both of her lungs. We started antibiotics and we will be keeping a close eye on all of her lab work. We will do another x-ray around noon how much better her lungs look. Between changing her to the oscillator and starting antibiotics we hope to see a change."
I nodded in understanding as Gabi could only stare at her. "She had a pretty bad blood gas earlier but we're hoping we switch directions." Gabi couldn't stop her tears and she looked up, "Is she okay to hold her hand? I don't want her to feel alone." Dr. Jones nodded his head, "Yes, of course,"
Gabi opened the door and let her hand stroke her tiny body. I moved to the other side and I let my hand fold onto Gabi's. Her eyes lifted to meet mine and I just gave a gentle squeeze as we stood over our daughter together. Our fingers locked together. We stood like that for quite some time until she pulled her hand back and wiped her tears away. The floor was getting busy as they were wrapping up night shift and heading into day shift.
She went over to Sutton as I looked down at my little girl. Her chest retracted back and she looked as if she was struggling to just breathe. "I'm so sorry, sweet girl. I am." I whispered while I continued to stroke her skin. "You are going to be better soon; we're going to get to do all the big things like Sutton is getting to do. You'll be amazing, Say,"
I inhaled and smiled at her, "Once you are better, we will snuggle." I took a step back as I let her be alone. Gabi had already gotten Sutton out and was holding him. They were rocking in the chair. I bent down and I gently stroked his tiny head. "I'm going to grab us some breakfast and coffee. Do you want it from any certain place?" Her eyes lifted to mine and she reached for my face. "No, you can pick wherever. I'm sorry for freaking out," I smiled with a shake of my head, "You want to be here for them. You knew last night that something was off. You deserve that moment. You are here though. They are working on fixing her. We are going to do this together."
"I love you," she said and I smiled, "I love you, too. I'll be back." I walked away after kissing Sutton's head and back down to the car. I sat in there and felt my own tears. I exhaled and let my forehead rest against the steering wheel. What I wouldn't give to just protect all three of them. To have them all at home.
Gabi's POV
It was late in the afternoon and Troy was sleeping in the chair next to me. His hood was pulled over his face and I looked at Sutton. He was sleeping on my chest as he had no interest at the 12 feeding. They had bumped his schedule to be off from his sisters so they were both at different times now. He didn't want to wake up and I didn't blame him. I just pumped and I held him.
I haven't let him go as they watched Saylor very closely today. She had one nurse to herself and she was still not herself. Her blood gas was improved and her last x-ray was a bit better. They were going to do two weeks of antibiotics. She was more sedated because she was fighting her vent today. They took it as a better sign that her personality was coming out, again. I blinked as I looked at Sarah, the nurse of the day, "Can I give Sutton a bath today? I know they typically do it on night shift but I want to give him a bath and feel like a mom." Sarah sent me a wide smile, "Of course. Maybe we can do it before his feeding and he might be more awake for it. You can give him a bath and do you have any clothes for him?"
I blinked as I stared at her, "He can wear clothes?" the words were nearly a whisper and Sarah's face faltered for only a second. "They just got their lines out, right?" I nodded, "They couldn't wear anything during that time and Saylor because she has so much going on and needs close monitoring but Sutton? He can wear clothes. Your clothes. His outfits." I couldn't stop my tears as I looked at him. "I don't have any small of enough for him."
Sarah went to say something when Troy gently touched my arm, "I can go get him some." He offered and I looked at him and then over towards Sarah who was just smiling. My eyes looked at the time to see it was a little after 1. I still had two hours before his 3. "I want to go. I want to pick out his first outfit," Troy just nodded his head, "Okay. We better go." I just nodded my head as Sarah helped me get Sutton put back into bed.
Troy was checking on Saylor as he smiled watching her. He caught my eye and nodded as we walked out together knowing we didn't have much time. He guided me to the car. "Target?" I just nodded my head as I was excited. This felt like it was something normal. This felt like the first normal thing we've done. The closest Target wasn't fair and Troy walked in with my hand cradled in his. We had cancelled our siblings visiting today only because of how Saylor was. I wanted Saylor to look better than she did.
Troy and I walked to the baby section together as I wanted something perfect for his first outfit. Troy and I browsed for a few minutes as there weren't a ton of preemie stuff to choose from but we found a few different packs. I picked up a pack of three sleepers that were different variants of grey. One was stripped, one was a solid grey, and the last one was white with blue clouds on the. They had two zippers – a tip from Sarah. "This one," I said as they were soft and I couldn't wait to cuddle him in them.
"I know she can't wear them yet but do you want to pick out something for Saylor?" I nodded my head as I browsed the little girl section. I came across a similar pack to what we picked up for Sutton but a soft purple. One had white stripes, one was just a solid purple, and the last was purple with little flowers all over it. Troy smiled, "I really like that one." I agreed as I held both of them as we walked up to the counter to check out.
I held onto them all the way back to the hospital and we walked back up to the unit. It was almost time for Sutton's feeding time. I paused, "Wait, aren't we supposed to wash them? I washed their clothes from the baby shower." Troy blinked, "We can ask Sarah," I just nodded my head and we found our way to their bedside. Sarah was doing Sutton's assessment and I could see that she had gotten stuff for a bath. It was more of a wipe down but that's all he could do because of his PICC line.
"Perfect timing. I am just finishing his assessment and got his bath stuff gathered. He has a perfect temperature." I smiled as I held up the bag of clothes. "Do they need to be washed? I don't want to make him sick," my anxiety kicked in but Sarah just gave a soft smile and a shake of her head. "No, it might cause a little skin irritation but nothing that will cause any harm." I exhaled and nodded thankful. "I'll let you two take over. Do you need any help?"
"Just what would be the best?" Sarah was patient as she taught us her technique for giving a bath. How we couldn't get his PICC wet and to make sure we did his head last. I started first as I got his little body wet with the wash cloth. His eyes were wide open as he stared between the two of us. Once his body was wet, I got the soap out and gently added it. Sutton was so calm during all of it as he wiggled in his box. Troy smiled staring at him as we made sure his body was soaped up. I handed Troy the wash cloth and he smiled as he wiped him down. I dried him as Troy wiped the soap off and this felt somewhat normal.
We were giving our baby a bath together.
I never realized how much I would take this for granted. Troy gently lifted him up as I slid the outfit underneath of him. I chose the grey one with stripes that would cover his little feet. Sarah handed us the new lead wires for his chest and a new sat prob as we replaced them on him. Troy let her help me as he stepped out of the way and she helped me make sure all of his cords were properly placed before zipping him up. My heart was so warm and my eyes were blurry with the tears but happy ones as I looked at him. He looked like a real baby.
Sarah took his temperature again and it was still normal as they had lowered a lot of his settings in his incubator to make sure he was working mostly for himself before they put him in a real crib. "Are you ready to try and feed him?" I nodded my head as I took a seat and she got him out. I prayed and prayed that this would go well. I wanted this to go so well. I unbuttoned my shirt as she handed me Sutton. Troy was sitting next to me and he smiled. "He has clothes on," I whispered and Troy squeezed my knee. "He does," I couldn't stop my crying as I wiped my cheeks off.
Sutton kept smacking his lips as I smiled while trying to get him to latch on and once, he did – he acted as if he had been doing this forever. "Good job, Sutton," I whispered as I felt my milk let down and I watched him making sure he could handle it. He twisted and pulled away as I eased him off and let him swallow and catch his breath. They warned me he wouldn't have stamina to breastfeed for long and they weren't long. It was a lot for a baby to do all of this. He would be 35 weeks in just a few days and they would expect him to start getting better and stronger over the next few weeks.
I cradled him and tried to get him back to my breast again and he latched again and suckled. His little eyes were heavy but he did for a few more minutes. I saw a few drops of milk and I couldn't help but grin that we were in fact doing this. He pulled away again and let out a cry but just let his head rest against my chest. "Sarah, I think he's done." I said with a laugh. I covered my breast back up and Sarah smiled, "It was a good first round."
She went and got his feeding and hooked it up before walking away. "Do you want to hold him so I can pump?" I asked and Troy nodded. Troy and I switched spots as I gave him Sutton as he cuddled him up on his chest. "Why does he look so much bigger in clothes?" I laughed with a shrug, "I thought the same." Troy settled in as I set up my breast pump. I pumped as Troy handed me his phone and I couldn't stop my heart from fluttering as Troy had gotten a picture of Sutton breastfeeding.
My eyes were glued to his little body and a smile on my face as he was concentrated at the task at hand. It was a tastefully appropriate picture but you could see what we were doing and how happy I was. It was those moments that I knew things were going to be okay. My eyes lifted over towards Saylor as my heart broke in half again though. "I want those moments with her," I whispered trying to stop my tears.
"You'll get them, baby, you will. She just needs time." I closed my words because I knew how time could be a thief and I wanted all the time with her. I wanted all the moments because who knew how many moments I was going to get. She had done better throughout today and we had put her clothes in the corner knowing that one day she would be able to wear them. I snapped a few pictures of Troy and Sutton when he wasn't paying attention.
I finished pumping and I collected my milk – all nearly 15oz of milk that I was already producing between each breast. I wasn't messing around with pumping and was doing it nearly every two hours during the day and every three to four hours at night. It was a lot of work but I could do this for my kids. I didn't care how exhausting it was. I labeled it and went over to Saylor as I held her hand for a few minutes. She appeared more comfortable but she was more sedated today. Her breathing wasn't as labored as it appeared earlier tonight.
"Momma loves you sweet girl, no more scares though? Okay? Mommy and Daddy want to snuggle you and love you all day long." She opened her eyes and her blue was already so bright. She looked pained and I felt my heart shred as she even had tiny tears in the corner of her eyes. "I'm sorry baby, I really am." I whispered. She closed her eyes again and I just let my forehead rest against the plastic. Her fingers wrapped around mine and I just held on because it was all I could do right now. I just had to hold on.
There were so many emotions because if it was just Sutton, I would probably feel on top of the world but my girl Saylor – she broke my heart in the same breath. She brought me back down because I wanted to be able to celebrate both of them. I wanted both of them to be doing well but it was so lopsided. I would get to bathe Saylor one day. I would get to try and breast feed her. I would get those moments with her. It just wasn't going to be today or tomorrow or even the next.
"I love you, baby girl." Her eyes opened again and she wiggled before closing them again. I sat there stroking her head and doing hand hugs with her. I just wanted her to know how much I loved her.
Happy Sunday! I hope you all enjoyed the chapter! This is very much a common NICU journey they are experiencing! Good things are ahead for this family! Have a great week guys!
Next Update: October 24th
Please Review!
