I skipped breakfast the next morning, electing to take a long shower, instead. I was grateful for the privacy—I was always worried someone would see me, see the scars on my body and the stories that followed, but everyone was in the mess. I snuck into L-Unit's cabin and changed quickly, meeting them instead at the gym where we'd done hand-to-hand the day before.
"Where were you?" Bear asked the second he saw me. I was by the ring, stretching, warming up. None of the other units had arrived yet. If the rumors were correct, there was some sort of assembly, remedial training of some sort. I guessed our unit had tested out. "You skipped dinner. And breakfast."
"And you didn't come back to the cabin," Lion added, taking a swig of his water bottle and draping his sweat towel over one of the ring's cords.
"Practicing," I grunted, trying to touch my toes from where I sat on the ground, grabbing my feet and holding for five seconds before releasing, standing up.
"Don't bullshit us," Tiger growled, looking just short of murderous from where he glared at me, doing his own stretches. "The range is locked at night, and I talked to Puma, who opened it this morning. You weren't there."
"There's other ways to practice," I replied, not looking at him. "Mental practice is actually a big help."
Tiger scoffed. Bear and Lion didn't say anything.
I sighed.
"We're going to have to talk about it at some point," Lion said in passing as Tiger and Bear readied to face each other in the ring. Bear made a joke and Tiger just barely cracked a smile, turning fond eyes on the younger man.
My heart ached.
"No we're not," I said decisively, folding my arms across my chest and staring resolutely into the ring. "I said I'd work on it. I have and I am. Give me a bit of time and I'll be able to do it."
"Yeah, that's not what I'm worried about," Lion argued, leaning against the ring, flicking his eyes at his two other unit mates. "You're my unit mate now, Jaguar. I need to trust you with the rest of my unit, because those two idiots are my brothers." There was something dark in Lion's eyes. "I want to trust you, but you're making it hard."
I couldn't look at him.
He could never trust me, because I was deceiving him with every word that came out of my mouth.
"You don't have to trust me," I said quietly, turning slightly away from him. "and I don't have to trust you. All I ask is that you trust that I'll do what it takes to get everyone home, and I'll trust the same from you. Beyond that…it's up to you." I took a breath, steeling myself, and sagged a bit at the bitter taste left by my next words. "I didn't come looking for a family, Lion. You don't…you don't have to treat me like a brother, or even like a friend. I'm just a colleague."
I didn't come looking for a family. But God, I wanted one.
Lion didn't seem to expect that, either. He blinked, face growing cool and impassive, and heaved a world-weary sigh. "You don't know what it means to be a unit at all, do you, mate?"
I tried to be offended by that, shooting him a sharp glare. There were a couple retorts I could've thrown back that would've shut him down quick, but they all would've revealed something about my identity I wanted buried.
I opted for silence, turning away from him. He didn't follow up with anything else.
I was starting to hate this place.
…
"You're up, Jaguar," Lion said, swinging himself into the ring. Tiger had pinned Bear twice, and they'd come to a standstill the third round. I'd been observing.
Tiger was good. Nowhere near Lion's level, but that was expected since Lion was the resident expert. He was quick and deliberate with his moves and actions, wasting no time or opportunity. I'd watch out for Tiger.
Bear was inexperienced and clumsy, but he had a good foundation. His form was good. His hits were quick and clean, but he wasn't very observant. He favored his left side too much and left himself open to attacks.
Bear swung himself out of the ring, breathing heavily. "You know, you could go easy on me," he pouted towards Tiger, his voice whiny. I resisted the urge to snort.
"Is an enemy going to go easy on you in the field?" Tiger shot back, taking a long drag from his water bottle, sitting down to unlace his trainers.
Bear grumbled, but didn't answer. I snagged his shirt-sleeve as he passed, whispering, "Next round, focus on your left side. You leave it open too much because you're so right-hand dominant. Pay more attention to your opponent instead of just yourself."
I gave him a pat on the shoulder, ignoring his slack jaw, and swung myself into the ring. "Ready?"
Lion nodded, stretching with his hands behind his back, then bringing them around in front of him, up in loose fists. "Ready."
When he lashed out, I could tell he was pissed.
He was nothing like the practice match yesterday. His movements were quick and deadly with an aggressive edge that didn't fit his personality. Obviously I'd pissed him off.
Well, honestly it wasn't like I'd been trying to. I couldn't very well have them digging into my past, could I? But something must have set him off, because he wasn't messing around.
Well, I wouldn't mess around either, then.
I struck quick at his jaw—a love tap, nothing more—but he swung himself out of the way and responded in kind, shooting a heel towards my kidneys. I shoved his foot down at the ankle and managed to twist out of the path of his fist, but it still glanced off my shoulder.
Ow. He really wasn't messing around.
"Little riled up, are we?" I said, dancing back to catch my breath.
Lion gave a humorless smile. "You seem to have that effect on people, Jaguar."
I struck without replying, aiming a fist at his head—
Pain exploded in my chest.
Damn. He'd gotten a lucky shot in. And I'd been trying to be careful, too.
He'd managed to catch me in the chest with the heel of his palm. The shot was directly on my sternum, but I felt my heart shudder at the impact, the ring of scar tissue encircling the bullet wound igniting with just the slightest blow.
My vision went white and I felt my body thud onto the mat.
There was silence for a moment. The breath had been knocked from my lungs, the spasming organs contracting until I finally managed to suck in a sliver of air. I gasped again, my eyes squeezed shut against the onslaught of pain, my heart thudding and thudding and aching—
A hand shook my shoulder, a voice reaching my ears. "Jaguar? Jaguar, come on, man. I didn't hit you that hard…Jaguar?"
Lion. He sounded worried.
I forced myself to inhale slowly, albeit shakily, and counted to five before exhaling. The pressure of the air trapped in my chest forced my heart to calm, at least a little. Opening my eyes, sitting up slowly, I kept one hand over my chest, massaging the scar tissue. I hunched over as soon as I was sitting up, still out of breath.
"Give me…" I gasped, trying to get the words out, "me a…minute…"
Bear and Tiger had found their way into the ring as well, looking on with concerned eyes. Bear came to kneel beside me, putting a steadying hand on my back. "Oi, breathe, mate. Deep breaths, alright? You're alright."
His voice was calm, bearing no trace of the worry in his eyes. I closed my eyes again, forcing myself to take a steadying breath. My heart was still spasming, struggling, the scar tissue aching anew, but the white had cleared from my vision, and breathing was easier now.
"I'm okay," I wheezed, shrugging off the hands that tried to steady me, immediately wishing I hadn't. "Bloody hell…"
"What happened?" Lion asked, clasping a hand firmly on my shoulder to keep me upright. The look on his face said he wouldn't be moving it anytime soon. "I was pulling my punches, Jaguar; it should have winded you, nothing more."
I wheezed a laugh, fighting to stand, only to fall back onto the mat on my ass. Great start. "I'd hate to see you at…full strength, then…"
I was snapped back into startling clarity as soon as someone's fingers brushed against my abdomen, seizing the hem of my shirt. Without really registering what was happening, even what was going on, my hand shot out to grip the person's wrist in a bruising grip, halting their progress.
When my mind caught up with my body after a dizzying second of disassociation, I looked up to see Bear's wary expression, eyes locked on my white-knuckled grip around his wrist. He was holding a stethoscope. I looked past him to see Tiger holding a first-aid kit. I hadn't even realized he'd left to get it.
"I'm fine," I emphasized as strongly as I could. I let go of his wrist, a little guilty as his face scrunched in pain as he shook out the limb. "Sorry."
"No worries," he said, inspecting his hand. "You've got quite a grip, mate. You're strong for such a small bloke."
I shot him a glare, and he grinned impishly before sobering again. "I'd like to listen to your heart, though. That's where you were grabbing, weren't you?"
Lion's head whipped around at his words, the color draining from his face. "What? Jaguar, what's wrong with your heart?"
Damn, I thought. This is going to be tough to lie about.
"I told you I had a heart condition," I said slowly, my right hand bracing my left shoulder as I rolled my arm around in the socket, trying to ignore the burning tug in the skin above my heart. Sitting up was easier, now. Another minute or so and I'd be steady enough to stand. "I'm just sensitive to contact around the area. It's nothing to worry about."
"Nothing to worry about?" Tiger cut in, speaking his first words since the whole ordeal started. His voice was a low growl. "How about when we get out on an active mission, huh? Somebody hits your chest, you're down for the count. How's that nothing to worry about?"
I schooled my features, fixing him with an icy glare. He didn't seem intimidated. "I'll handle it. It'll be fine."
"You know, you keep saying that," Tiger said, stalking forward. Lion stood to intercept him, but Tiger just kept talking over his shoulder. "I'll be able to make a kill-shot. I'll be able to keep someone from hitting my chest. It'll be fine." His lips curled up in a sneer. "There's something off about you, kid. Did you come here to serve your country or to die?"
"Tiger!" Bear shouted, the word as angry as it was shocked.
For my part, I stood and stalked up to him, my movements slow, deliberate. Calculated. Deadly.
"Excuse me?"
Tiger didn't seem to sense the purpose in my movements. "We get 'em, sometimes. People who come here to get themselves killed. They're the cowards," he said, and his lips were curled in disgust, and something twisted in my chest that had nothing to do with the pain from a moment ago. "I looked you up, you know. We have access to each others' files."
My heart skipped a beat before I remembered that the only file they'd have access to was the one with the fraudulent information. The fake family, the forged GSCE certificates, the fraudulent birth certificates…none of it was real.
"Doesn't look like you've got a lot to live for," he said, and despite myself, despite the cool exterior, I flinched. "So did you come to die? Because if you came here to take a coward's way out, I'll kill you myself, before you bring one or more of us home in a body bag." He let out a humorless laugh. "Based on your track record, I'd say that happens a lot, yeah? Lots of body bags in your lineup."
I almost choked.
It had been easier that way. To say that most of my fake family was deceased. But Tiger would never know how painful that one sentence was.
"Tiger." Lion said, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder and pushing him back a pace or two. "That's enough."
He cast a wary glance back at me, but by the time his eyes widened in realization of what was happening, before Bear could cry out a warning, I was already shoving Lion out of the way and sending my fist solidly into Tiger's jaw.
I had enough presence of mind to pull my punch. If I hadn't, Tiger's jaw would've been knocked loose from its hinge. He deserved it. But the force was enough to send him reeling back, falling onto the cords surrounding the ring, catching his balance as he put a hand to his surely throbbing jaw.
"You bastard—" He started the insult, but when he met my eyes, he faltered.
I didn't know if I'd ever stared at someone with this much hatred before. I felt Lion grab me to haul me back, but I shoved him off and grabbed the collar of Tiger's shirt, and he didn't fight me. "You don't know anything about me." The words were cold and clipped.
Quietly, as a challenge, Tiger let a bit of his previous sneer return. "And whose fault is that?"
I scoffed, letting him go with a shove, swinging myself out of the ring. I didn't have an answer for him.
"Jaguar," Lion called, uncertainty in his voice. I didn't stop. "Jaguar!"
"What?" I growled, barely turning around.
"We need to talk about this," he said, cringing when he realized how weak that sounded. Tiger's back was to me. Bear still knelt on the ground, watching the scene with wide eyes.
"Then talk about it." I left.
…
I went to the range.
I put my perfect circles into three bulls-eyes before I finally worked up the nerve to put a human target in the lineup. There were a couple others practicing as well, but I left them alone and they left me alone.
I slipped on the headphones and hoisted the gun up, staring at the impersonal curves and straight lines of the target, placed to make nothing more than a rough outline of a person. Not only did it not have a face, but there was no way to tell if it was male of female. No way to tell what color eyes they had, what kind of smile they wore. How they dressed.
It wasn't a person.
It was just cardboard.
I closed my eyes and fired.
I tried to trick myself into making the kill-shot. I went through the list of places I could shoot to incapacitate, and tried to spontaneously work in a headshot without really thinking about it.
Lowering the empty gun, I opened my eyes and recalled the target.
No dice.
I resisted the urge to throw the gun across the range in utter frustration, knowing how well that would end. Instead I took a deep breath, crumpling up the useless paper and throwing it in a nearby rubbish bin. I put the gun back on the rack and left.
Maybe I could run away. Disappear. Just slip away into the forest one night and not come back. I hadn't been here long enough to leave a mark, not really. I could fade like a ghost and no one would remember Matthew Smith until he popped up somewhere halfway across the world.
I wandered to the lake, sitting down with my back against a tree. The mud soaked into my shorts, but I was too tired to care.
Did you come here to serve your country or to die?
I sighed, closing my eyes as I remembered Tiger's words.
Neither. I came to hide. But one of those wouldn't be such a bad idea.
I shook my head, shoving the heels of my hands into my eyes. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't—wouldn't hurt myself like that. Jack and Sabina, Ian, hell, Yassen—I wouldn't let them down like that.
"Why the long face?"
My head snapped up, and I looked up to see a face I never thought I'd see again. The Scottish voice was unmistakable.
"Oi, ye're one o' the new recruits, right? What's gone wrong so quick that ye're hidin' out here?"
I couldn't even speak, I was so shocked. Because standing in front of me was Snake.
I supposed I should've expected to see them again. They were, after all, SAS. But I didn't think I'd cross paths with them very much; there were hundreds of men here. I didn't think I'd ever be alone with them.
"Ye a mute, kid?" Snake said, settling into the mud beside me. "Besides, this was my spot first. It can all be a bit much, the guys and the war. Ye like the quiet, too?"
"Yeah," I managed to squeak, futilely turning my face away. He didn't seem like he'd recognized me, though.
"Oh, he speaks," Snake grinned good-naturedly. "I'm Snake. What's yer codename?"
"Jaguar," I said, unfurling my legs and sitting up straighter, trying to appear a little more put together.
"Nice name, that one," he commented, staring out at the lake. "So, what happened, Jaguar? Ye don't look so stellar."
"Nothing," I said automatically. He raised an eyebrow, and I sighed. "Had a fight with my new unit. S'nothing."
"Ah, don't agonize too much over it," he said, thumping my shoulder solidly. I was still paranoid about him recognizing me, but he didn't seem to be paying much attention to my face. "New units get into all sorts o' trouble with each other at first. My unit was a train wreck when we first started."
"And now?" I asked before I could stop myself.
Snake smiled. "Thick as thieves. Brothers, more like."
I sighed. That was what I was afraid of.
Snake stood, dusting himself off. "Tell ye what, Jaguar. I'll share this spot with ye from now on. Looks like ye could use the quiet."
I breathed out a sigh. Well, he was right about that. "Thanks, Snake."
"Any time," he said with an easy smile, starting back towards the camp. "Wolf'll have me head if I'm late again. Make up with yer unit quick, kid; always easier tha' way."
Belatedly, I raised a tentative hand in farewell, watching him walk away.
I gazed over the lake, reveling in the easy silence, and for the first time in a while, I felt myself smile.
Who knew that one of the people who'd tormented me the first time around would be the first one to show me real kindness the second time?
A/N: Hey guys! Been awhile, sorry. And I'm so mean aren't I? Don't worry, next chapter starts the healing :)
Thanks so much to all my chapter 3 reviewers: teacrumpets9, otterpineapple06, Guest, Gerdiena, Guest, ooooooooooo, CuteFishy, VINAI, Kc, and Bumbee! I appreciate you guys taking the time to review! I reply to all of them, so feel free to ask questions or offer advice / constructive criticism.
Kc: Thanks so much!
Ooooooooo: Aw I appreciate it! Thank you!
Guest: Hehehe you may be right…thanks for reviewing!
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