Chapter Three: Bombs Away
Chris: [narrating] Last time on Total Drama Destiny, we traveled to Acapulco, Mexico for some high-diving fun! Needless to say, I'm sure everyone was ecstatic for a little vacation, a little fun in the sun, so to speak. Team Cajun showed just how disjointed they are as a team, considering you can get nearly choked to death if you push your luck. [chuckles] Meanwhile, Team Daredevil split in two, one side with Dodger forming an alliance with the jazz cats, the other side being Roscoe and Desoto planning on taking control over the vote. Which side will come out on top, we'll soon see. Meanwhile, it was Team Siamese who pulled off a flawless victory in the boat race to Caleta Beach after their comrades got into a bumper battle. [chuckles] Spitfire may have been full of spirit to drive her team to victory, but it was her pushy attitude and lack of rationale that ended up putting her in the hot seat, which resulted in her being eliminated at the ceremony. Oooooh, harsh. [on-screen, in the cockpit with Chef] It seems Team Cajun's currently on the outs with their general lack of communication, will it ultimately be their downfall, or will they surprise us when we least expect it? Stay tuned to find out on a brand-new episode of Total...Drama...Destiny!
[cue theme song, the episode continues]
[scene shows both Teams Cajun and Daredevil sitting on opposite sides to one another in economy class]
Doggie: [sighs] I tell ya' Acapulco's cursed or somethin'. My team lost in the same episode when we went there and ta' England back in 1977.
Daria: Back when Scooby-Doo wasn't the only thing people remember from Hanna-Barbera.
Jane: Let's see, how many times has that guy been milked in recent times? I seem to have lost count.
Doggie: Hey now, don't be too hard da' guy, I know Scoobs personally, he's a good dog, in all honesty, a lil on da' gluttonous side, but hey, nobody's perfect.
Daria: A wonder why I haven't seen him and Yogi together more often, you've got two people who love to stuff their faces with all kinds of junk, and yet they never have to worry about caloric intake.
Jane: Just by saying that, I expect to see those two at a diner with an Effiel Tower stack of empty plates from trying literally everything.
Doggie: Hehe, man, you girls are cold.
Daria: It's how I make a living.
Jane: Well, that and being an exotic dancer.
Daria: You just had to bring that up, didn't you?
Jane: I mean, you gave me an opening, and I went for it.
Daria: Of course you did.
Cajun: If ya'll wanna talk exotic dancer, well, lemme just say that I know me a bit a' that ma'self.
El Jefe: Aaaaaaand there you go…
Cajun: Awwww, c'mon, sug, I know you fancy ta' see me in somethin' like that.
El Jefe: You're lacking several things; music, costume, and figure.
Cajun: Oooouch, tough crowd...but I can tell you don't mean that, especially since I'm somethin' ta' look at, raarrrr~ [wraps a leg around the tiger's thigh]
El Jefe: [looks away unamused] Estás tan jodidamente cachonda...
Cajun: I dunno whatchu just said, but I liked the sound of it, tall, strong, and handsome…
[static buzzing]
El Jefe: I am a team with really, really strange people, but I suppose Cajun's little flirtation game could be of use to me, if someone's offering their services as an ally, then I guess it doesn't hurt to take them in, though it seems I'll have to keep his paws going below my waist.
[static buzzing]
Cajun: Mmmmmmm, that is one orange delicious…
[static buzzing]
Daria: Well, this is getting R-rated in no time at all.
Thomas: Say, mind if we serve as an audience, I could serve to give me something to take my mind off yesterday.
Scat: Mmmmmm, I second that motion.
El Jefe: [puts his paw on his forehead] Oh God…
Scat: [groans] Ma' head still hurts from that awful ride…
Thomas: [rubs his temples] And of course the same day we had to lose out on a masseuse…
Dodger: Well, that's of no thanks to a certain someone…[glares at Lightning Dust as the felines do the same]
Lightning Dust: What? I was just trying to get Spitfire off our tail. Naturally, I had to take risks.
Thomas: And give us a splintering headache in the process…
Lightning Dust: Oh, stop being a bunch of babies, I didn't expect this to be a catwalk, and neither should any of you, when things get tense, we gotta get down, work hard, get it EVERYTHING!
Roscoe: For the love of God, will you shut up alright?! I don't need to hear your voice ringing in my ears, especially not now.
Desoto: Same here, I'm about ready to lose my s**t if you don't pack it in!
Dodger: Also, about that crap you were spewing, there's a thing called "toning it down", which is something you could use a LOT of.
Lightning Dust: Pfft, I don't need to tone down anything, it's you all that need to tone up. This ain't no walk in the park, it's a competition for a million dollars, so you all need to pick up the slack! [walks off, oblivious to the glares she's receiving from her teammates]
[static buzzing]
Scat: That girl is gettin' on my last nerve!
[static buzzing]
Thomas: Look, I get that we're all going for a million bucks, but good lord, that Lightning Dust does not know the definition of the word "humility." I don't know where this is coming from, but I'm almost hoping we lose the next challenge if only to get rid of her sooner!
[static buzzing]
Lightning Dust: I don't get it, why is my team acting like a bunch of wusses? All I did was try and win a challenge, is that not what is about? Winning is everything, and if they can't get a grip of that, it's on them! All I know is that I'm not ready to back down to a bunch of scaredy cats.
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to Team Siamese in First Class where Si and Am are contentedly resting in the chairs]
Si: Haaaaaa...this is the life, isn't it, sister?
Am: Quite so, I've never known airlines seat to be this...comfortable…
Si: And the best part? It's all ours for the taking, away from those other teams.
Am: Nothing to bother us except comfort to our next location.
[scene cuts to Leshawna in another chair getting a massage on her shoulders]
Leshawna: Oooooooooh, yes, baby...right there...ma' shoulders feel so...airy...haaaa, that's the good stuff…
[static buzzing]
Leshawna: Mmmmm, that is some top-quality service they got goin' up in there, shame I had ta' miss it the last time I was here, but ma' God, it was well worth the wait. Maybe this'll be a sign that times are lookin' up this season fa' Shawnie. I mean, so far, nobody's really been out ta' get me or try ta' frazzle ma' mind, but I ain't about to give 'em the chance.
[static buzzing]
Starlight: [sips her drink before putting back on the bar counter] So tell me, Cooper, how was it being stuck in Eygpt?
Sly: As you would; hot, sandy, and barely any source of modern technology. You've no idea how much of a relief it was when I was finally brought back into the present day, though I guess my "business partners" weren't interested in hearing my daring escapade…
Starlight: Ah, they gave you the shaft. I can relate, got it myself not too long ago, apparently it was because I wasn't "fitting the bill" or whatever they spewed at me, could tell they were hiding something. But, whatever, I got my freedom now and I'm taking full advantage of it. [takes another sip from her drink]
Sly: Speaking of freedom, you've no idea how much that word means to me now. After all, I'm not past my prime just yet, why stop and settle down when there's more out to discover...and steal, hehe.
[scene cuts back to economy class where Team Daredevil is sat, Lightning Dust on the viewer's right sitting far left from the rest of her teammates]
[static buzzing]
Roscoe: Remember that deal we discussed yesterday?
Desoto: Yeah?
Roscoe: I know we said that we needed the majority vote on our side, or at least to form a tie, but I'm having serious reconsideration about the details.
Desoto: Whatta ya' mean by that?
Roscoe: What I mean is that Lightning Dust is treading on thin ice to fit into our plan. That stunt she pulled yesterday and her current bitchness is really starting to drive me up the wall.
Desoto: Soooooooo, do we kick her out, or keep her along?
Roscoe: Tell you what; we'll give her one more chance and if she f**ks up again, her ass is outta here.
Desoto: Sounds like a plan.
[static buzzing]
Intercom: Attention, passengers! Our next location will be taking us to the south of Europe in the country of Bosnia Herzegovina! And believe me when I say that today promises to be a banger! [chuckles]
El Jefe: [clears throat] If I could have all your attention, I would like to point out that currently, we're on the bottom of the pyramid when it comes to winning.
Daria: Well, I can see where this is going.
El Jefe: As I was saying, we need to win the next challenge to get out of this disgusting economy class.
Jane: Let me guess; you'd like to propose yourself as the new team leader.
El Jefe: In the simplest of terms; yes. I believe myself to be the most capable to take on the position of leader, should anyone give any objections.
Cajun: Well, I personally haven't any objections that no siree, I'm in fava' of the strong tiger man leadin' us, what ya'll say…
Daria: I say you got over being nearly choked to death only yesterday pretty fast.
Cajun: Sha, them paws are enough ta' make me have it as wata' unda' the bridge.
Jane: I guess we don't have many options, now do we?
Doggie: Well, I guess that settles it…
[static buzzing]
El Jefe: The first step is maintaining an ally for the duration of the game, the second; gaining the role as leader of the team. Given what I have to work with, this shouldn't be too much of a challenge; a couple of snarky little shits, a clingy psychopath, and a long-snout weakling. So long as I don't give them any reason to resist me, they'll follow through on my command.
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to the contestants standing on the rocky cliffside overlooking the town of Livno]
Sly: [whistles] Did ya' ever see so many houses having the same brick roof and design?
Starlight: Well, I reckon there's more where that came from. It's pretty much commonplace around here for houses to look like this. But I must say, the view up here is gorgeous.
Chris: Enjoying the sightseeing, are we?
Starlight: Considering it's a break from the daily dose of torture, yes.
Chris: Well, allow me to add a bit of extra comfort to your vacation by giving a bit of background to today's challenge. Back in the mid-90s, Bosnia was at war with the neighboring country of Serbia, and in spite of the conflict being over in 1995, the country is still plagued with the remaining landmines scattered across the region from the war.
Dodger: Aaaaaaand I can see where this is going.
Chris: For your challenge, we've marked out the spot with red dots to make sure you don't step on a landmine.
Dodger: Okay, but you've laid it out like a maze, some of them are packed right up against one another!
Chris: Which is I'm going to be showing off a demonstration for how this'll work; in the form of veteran contestants; Sylvester and Miss Calamity!
[the tuxedo cat and orange Little Miss are shoved on-screen]
Miss Calamity: You never mentioned anything about stepping on landmines!
Chris: I didn't...huh, must have slipped my mind.
Sylvester: Uh, is it okay if I can, you know, not do this? I think I'd rather keep my limbs intact.
Miss Calamity: I second that notion, we'll be just-
Chef: Neither one a' you's leavin' unless you wan' the spoon! [whaps a wooden spoon in his hand]
[Miss Calamity and Sylvester gulp as they stare nervously at each other]
Sylvester: On second thought, maybe we'll do the landmines, yeah, hehe, ehhhhhhh…
Miss Calamity: Oh, dear, this won't end well...
Daria: Of course; put two of the unluckiest people to do a demo on how to not get blown up. This should work perfectly.
[Sylvester starts on the unmarked areas, followed close behind my Miss Calamity. For a little bit, nothing seems to go wrong...until the unmarked areas become tighter to walk around and both of them only just step on the outline of a red dot, causing the landmine beneath to go off and launch them in the air as the contestants watch with mouths agape. The two land hard on the ground, looking rather singed]
Miss Calamity: [groans] What a calamity…
Sylvester: I concur...ooooooh...
Jane: Remind me again how our beloved host hasn't been sued for attempted manslaughter?
Daria: I guess that's just one of life's many mysteries.
Chris: The bigger mystery is seeing who will survive the landmines, and who's gonna end up fried. Tune in to find out who goes boom when we return on Total...Drama...Destiny!
[scene cuts to black, the episode continues]
[scene shows the contestants standing just before the marked area, looking between one another to seek who's brave enough]
Chris: Okay, teams, it's time to find out which of you's going to make it all the way to the other side of this area of landmines without getting blown up!
Si: You cannot be serious, this is signing a death warrant!
Am: [hugs her twin tightly] I'm too pretty to die!
Thomas: [under his breath] At least you'd prolly go out at the same time…[gets a slice at his arm] OW!
Si: I heard that, you ass!
Thomas: Well, don't feel too good to be given snark now does it, princess?
Am: I'll give you one too if you don't shut up!
Scat: [as Thomas balls his fist] Easily now, slick, them broads are just tryna' rile you up.
Thomas: I get that, but…[sighs]...you're right...besides, I don't need any additional stress right now…
Si: Hmph, talk about needing a knight in shining armor.
Am: Minus the armor...and the knight.
Chris: [whistles] If I could have your attention, each team will be sending out two of their members to walk across the minefield. And by each team, I mean yours truly will be picking out at random!
Leshawna: And how exactly is that fair, pray tell?
Chris: Because I say it's fair, who knows, maybe you'll be lucky I choose you to go.
Leshawna: [gulps] Never mind…
Dodger: Anyone else gonna point out how this is the fourth time someone's gotta walk through a minefield, you'd think they'd have more originality.
Chris: Why, thank you for volunteering, Dodger!
Dodger: Wait, what?! Ah, damn it!
Chris: And for your partner; Lightning Dust!
Lightning Dust: Yes!
Dodger: You're actually excited for this?
Lightning Dust: I live for the adrenaline rush! This is the perfect opportunity for me to show off my stuff!
Dodger: Great…
Chris: Team Cajun, for your dynamic duo; El Jefe and Cajun!
Cajun: [sidles up right next to the feline] Heeeeeeeey, tiga'...~
El Jefe: Keep your horniness to a minimum, I'd rather not get blown up today.
Chris: And finally for Team Siamese; Si and Am!
Si: Ooooooh...maybe it won't be so bad, right…?
Am: Yeah...right...
[Si looks over apprehensively at the minefield and nearly faints as Am catches her]
Chris: Ready? Set!
[Ding! Ding!]
Dodger: Seriously?! I mean, seriously?!
Chris: Uh-bup-bup, you know the penalty for not singing.
Dodger: [gives a long sigh]
[music starts up]
Daria: Why are we letting him kill us? For the price to be famous? What kind of logic is that?!
El Jefe: My temper's burning, wanting to kill is churning, I'd wring him flat!
Jane: The woes and pains, need to take the strain, oh, the costs of a celebrity!
Cajun: Please, landmines, lemme keep ma' spine! Don't blow up this image of pure beauty!
All: Chris McLean, you really suck! Like a beaten, chewed-up hockey puck! Stop this madness, stop it now! There's only so much we'll allow!
Thomas: Risking our lives for a million bucks, if I make it out, it'll be pure luck!
Scat: Baby, don't talk about the thought of dyin', cuz I really don't wanna start cryin'
Roscoe: I wanna choke that host so damn bad, I know that'll make everyone glad!
Desoto: I'd pop a bullet right through his head, shoot him down and leave him for dead!
All: Chris McLean, you really suck! Like a beaten, chewed-up hockey puck! Stop this madness, stop it now! There's only so much we'll allow!
Si: If I make it out, I'll never be bad again…
Am: I'll be a completely different woman…
Si and Am: Okay, that's a lie, we both don't do good, but what we wouldn't give to stomp out his manhood!
Leshawna: Please, this sista' prayin' above
Starlight: Show me mercy, give me a shove!
All: Chris McLean, you really suck! Like a beaten, chewed-up hockey puck! Stop this madness, stop it now! There's only so much we'll allow!
Dodger: Driving us to the point of insanity, I can feel the pounding of my beating heart
Sly: You think you're damn clever, but you've got the charm of a rotten tart!
Doggie: If I had a wish, I'd have a single request
Lightning Dust: Get my money and end this stupid test!
All: Chris McLean, you really suck! Like a beaten, chewed-up hockey puck! Stop this madness, stop it now! There's only so much we'll allow!
Si: [as she and Am tip-toe across the unmarked areas] Okay, easy step, easy step…
Am: Slowly...gently…
El Jefe: [looks back at Cajun] Do you know that you're grabbing me by the waist, right?
Cajun: Yeah, I know...it's mighty comfy...mmmmm...
El Jefe: Estúpido zorro cachondo…
Lightning Dust: [scowls as Dodger tries to slowly navigate his way across the tight spots] Could you be any slower?
Dodger: Gee, I dunno, brainiac, I'm kinda trying to stay alive over here.
Lightning Dust: Ugh!
[static buzzing]
Lightning Dust: I am not about to let the other teams steal the win away from us by going at this snail's pace! Luckily, I happen to have an ace up my sleeve, or should I say a pair? [points to her wings]
[static buzzing]
Lightning Dust: [begins to flap her wings and lifts slightly off the ground] Now this is more like it.
Dodger: Hey, what are you doin'?!
Lightning Dust: Gettin' us to the finish, what else, brainiac? Now come on! [pulls Dodger up]
Dodger: Ow! Mind the arm!
[Lightning Dust and Dodger hover over the minefield as the other contestants try to make their way across, the Daredevil duo making it to the end first, followed by the Cajun duo, and finally the Siamese duo]
Lightning Dust: Ye-HAH! We won!
Dodger: Huh...I guess we did.
El Jefe: [growls and kicks at the dirt] ¡Por el amor de Dios!
Cajun: Ah, fudge…
Si and Am: Hmph!
Chris: Hold on, who says you won?
Lightning Dust: Um, naturally, it's us, we got here first.
Chris: As I recall, I said you were supposed to walk through the minefield, not fly over it. So, technically, you cheated, which means that today's actual winners are...Team Cajun!
Doggie: Yeah! We won!
Daria and Jane: [fist-bump one another sharing a grin]
Daria: Off to first class.
Jane: And not a moment too soon.
Cajun: HAHA! We did it, sug! [leaps up to plant a kiss on El Jefe's cheek out of adrenaline]
El Jefe: [freezes in place...before he rubs his cheek and gives a small content grin] I suppose...I'll let it slide...this time…
Si and Am: [breathe a sigh of relief]
Lightning Dust: Ugh, this is bogus! We got here first!
Dodger: Oh, shut the hell up, your voice, seriously…[walks away as his teammates share identical expressions]
[static buzzing]
Roscoe: I said I'd give her a chance...now to decide between her or Dodger...though, I'm sure the verdict's pretty clear.
Desoto: Oh, without a doubt.
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to black, at the elimination ceremony]
Chris: Team Daredevil, what a way to finish, or should I say come in last? [chuckles] What can I say, you almost had it, but you came up short by not following the rules.
Dodger: No thanks to a certain someone…
Lightning Dust: Oh, shut up!
Chris: On that note, it's time to vote! All you need to do is head up to the loser class bathroom and stamp the passport of the teammate you'd like to send home. Now get to it!
[static buzzing]
Thomas: [stamps a passport]
[static buzzing]
Roscoe: [stamps a passport with a deep scowl]
[static buzzing]
Lightning Dust: [stamps Dodger's passport]
[static buzzing]
Scat: [stamps a passport]
[static buzzing]
Desoto: [stamps a passport with a growl]
[static buzzing]
Dodger: [stamps Lightning Dust's passport]
[static buzzing]
Chris: I've got five bags of airline-issued peanuts ready for the taking. Time to see who's gettin' a bag; Roscoe [catches the bag]...Desoto [catches the bag]...Thomas [catches the bag]...and Scat [catches the bag]. Players, this is the final bag of the evening…
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Dodger!
Lightning Dust: What?! Are you all insane?!
Dodger: No, because unlike you, we don't jump the gun and act like complete idiots.
Lightning Dust: Why I oughta-
Chris: You've thirty seconds to put this on before the Drop of Shame becomes the Drop of Pain! [tosses a parachute to Lightning Dust]
Lightning Dust: [catches the parachute] I can't believe this! And to think [points at Roscoe and Desoto] you two wanted me to-[gets shoved out the door by Chef]-AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Thomas: Geez, talk about a tryhard.
Chris: I think we can all agree Lightning Dust tried too hard; at making herself look like she had it all, but it led to her fall. Who's next to take the perilous fall down to Earth and who's gonna be staying high in the sky? Find out next time on Total...Drama...Destiny!
[scene cuts to black as the episode ends]
