Chapter Four: All's Not Fair at the County Fair
Chris: [narrating] Last time on Total Drama Destiny, we visited beautiful Bosnia Herzegovina for some beautiful sights and death-defying stunts! Taking advantage of the local resources, the contestants had to navigate their way around a minefield, or in the case of Team Daredevil, fly over it. While it seemed that Daredevil had won the day, the victory instead went to Team Cajun for making it across without cheating, thanks to the newfound leadership of El Jefe. Guess that's what happens when you don't follow the rules. [chuckles] More on that, Team Daredevil was already at odds with one another due to the events from the previous episode, but it seems someone wasn't willing to admit defeat. Lightning Dust may be a risk-taker and have the thirst for adrenaline, but it was ultimately her ignorance and poor decision-making that unsurprisingly got her a one-way ticket to the Drop of Shame! [on-screen, in the cockpit with Chef] Who knows, maybe next time she'll have learned something...but I seriously doubt that. [chuckles] But will this decision come back to bite Roscoe and Desoto in the behind now that the scale is uneven, will they be able to maintain their position on the team, will Dodger ever get that double threesome, how much of Cajun's thirst will El Jefe be able to take, find out the answers to those questions right here on Total...Drama...Destiny!
[cue theme song, the episode continues]
[scene shows Team Cajun in first-class; Daria and Jane contentedly sitting next to one another on the seats, Doggie on another seat having a sample on a tray of cookies from the stewardess, El Jefe and Cajun sitting next to one another by the bar]
Daria: Okay, I'll concede, this place isn't half-bad.
Jane: Is that a genuine compliment I hear?
Daria: Who said they don't every once in a while?
Jane: True...though lemme tell you, I could actually fall asleep in this chair, economy for whatever reason packs everyone together like a can of sardines.
Daria: The price for comfort, an additional buck for them saved...cheapskates
Jane: Also, what's the point of having a recliner in economy if the people behind you are gonna complain about it being too cramped as if it wasn't already.
Daria: It's almost like they should expand the width between seats so that the function actually serves its purpose and so people aren't so congested in an eight-hour flight to wherever.
Jane: Oh, tis the unfortunate life of traveling in coach, which is why I'm not planning on leaving first-class anytime soon.
Daria: I suppose so long as we stay far away from second or third place as possible, that can be arranged. Don't hold your breath on it though.
[scene cuts to Doggie being treated by a massuse]
Doggie: Haaaaaaa, yeah, das real nice...get 'em a bit higher up, oh, oh, yeah, right there, riiiiight here. Ahhhhh, this is definitely livin' in paradise…
[static buzzing]
Doggie: I tell ya', bein' up in first-class is really an experience worth havin', dis old back's neva' felt so...smooth. Mayhaps I should consida' upgradin' ta' first-class the next time me and Augie go on a trip...well, so long as my budget will allow it.
[static buzzing]
Cajun: Mmmmmmmm, this is what I live fo' relaxation in aaallllll areas, if ya' know what I mean. [stretches himself out to laying on El Jefe's lap]
El Jefe: You're really clingy, you know that?
Cajun: Awwww, c'mon, sug, don't tell me you don't like it, I can see in it yo' eyes...ooooooh, did ya manage to smuggle in a cigar up in here?
El Jefe: Of course I did, I don't give a f**k about that bulls**t "no smoking" policy, if they want to bitch about it, that's on them.
Cajun: Mmmmmmm, I likey the way you get all assertive.
El Jefe: Naturalmente, I'm not one to just follow what everyone says like some basic bitch, I've got standards.
[static buzzing]
El Jefe: [looks at the "no smoking" label with the cigar in his mouth] If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that you can never keep me off a cigar, never have, never will.
Sly: [pops out from the top latch] Someone's askin' for lung cancer.
El Jefe: [growls] Cooper, I am this close to strangling that scrawny neck of yours.
Sly: Awwww, you wouldn't do that, I know that for a fa-ACK! [gets pulled down to be met at eye level with the tiger]
El Jefe: Here's what you don't know; how many bones of yours won't be broken by the time I'm done with you.
Sly: Uhhhhhhhh, okay, big guy, maybe chill a little bit, hehe, ya' do know you're on TV, right?
El Jefe: And that's of concern to me how? Did you forget that I don't give a s**t?
Sly: Weeeeell, in that case, I'llllllllll leave you to it, okay, bye-bye! [zips out the door]
El Jefe: [gives an exasperated sigh] Pequeño maldito idiota…
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to economy class where Teams Daredevil and Siamese are sat opposite of one another]
Thomas: [rubs the back of his neck] While it ain't first-class, at least there's no more yappin' about being "the best" or anything like that.
Scat: Aaaaaaah, I hear that brotha', and at least we got ourselves an easy out last time.
Thomas: True that, though...[gets closer to Scat's ear]...between you and me, we might be in a bit of trouble considering...you know.
Scat: [quietly] Well, I get what ya' mean, but maybe we won't have ta' worry so long as Dodger keeps his end of the bargain.
Dodger: [slides right up to the felines] Someone mention my name?
Scat: Huh, oh, well, we're just...talkin' is all...though how's the situation with the twins?
Dodger: Ah, well, it's safe to say their tempers have cooled since givin' Lighting Dust the boot, though I wouldn't worry too much about them, it takes a bit of getting used to two peeps with big dick energy.
Roscoe: Yeah, I can hear you, ya' little shit!
Dodger: Awwww, c'mon, twas a compliment, after all, you wouldn't deny it, would you?
Roscoe: Ah, tryna' be a charming bastard, are ya'...[pulls Dodger closer by his collarbone]...I like that…
Dodger: Ooooh, tryna' flirt with me, are you?
Thomas: You sure you wanna push your luck there, slick?
Desoto: I'd say he go for it, I've been riling for an ass-kicking.
Si: Ugh, dogs. So uncivilized.
Am: Aren't men in general?
Si: True that.
Roscoe: Last time I checked, you two weren't involved with this, so shut the hell up.
Am: Ugh! The nerve, speak to us like that, will you?!
Si: Actually, I'd say you let this one go, we've got better things to do than humor stupid slobbering mutts in their dick-measuring contests.
Starlight: Any reason you two are bringing up your weird prejudice against dogs once more? Other than the chance to start a fight?
Si: Well, we wouldn't need to start one if they weren't acting like such buffoons right in front of us.
Am: All the time, talking about sex and how big each other's lengths are.
Starlight: Uh-huh...and so calling them stupid slobbering mutts is the best alternative.
Leshawna: I'm sorry, but them boys have been goin' back and forth with one anotha' like it's buildin' up to some big surprise kiss, yet they won't deliver.
Sly: Oh, they'll deliver alright, trust me, I know a good horndog when I see one.
Desoto: Hmph, a lot you know, smartass.
Sly: Why thank you, I like to think my ass fits the bill. Anyone up for a demonstration?
Leshawna: [fans herself as she looks away] Uh, I'm good, thank you, no need fo' that.
Si: As if we would need to look at your pancake-thin rear.
Am: [snickers] That's a good one.
Starlight: Was it though? Was it really?
Thomas: Heh, someone's doin' our job for us.
[static buzzing]
Sly: Pancake thin? Please. Look at me. Do I look pancake-thin to you? I happen to think I'm pretty plentiful, after all, just ask my fanbase.
[static buzzing]
Leshawna: Believe me when I say that while I've learned the hard way of talkin' behind people's backs, they got some crazy folk up in this season. Then again, I do have the chance to compete with an idol, haha…[blinks in surprise]...someone smack me upside the head if I start talkin' like that girl Sierra.
[static buzzing]
Starlight: Why didn't I react as hesitantly to Sly's little bravado? I've seen this type of thing more times than I can count with certain individuals. This ain't nothing new.
[static buzzing]
Si: What do they know anyway, they're just not as smart as us, I suppose.
Am: That's an understatement.
[static buzzing]
Desoto: I hope you got a backup plan for us. Now that we're kinda down in numbers for the vote with Lightning Dust's elimination, even if she was...a major pain in the ass.
Roscoe: I'll admit, it does leave us a bit out in the open, but rest assured I'm not without a Plan B. For one thing, we just need to keep out of the ring of fire when it comes to elimination, coming in either first or second for the time being until the merge will be our default strategy unless we can get one of our own to flip.
Desoto: I suppose it'll have to do for now, even if means getting that...Dodger on our side.
Roscoe: Trust me, I'm as enthusiastic as you.
[static buzzing]
Chris: Well if it isn't my favorite people to terrorize.
Daria: Mind telling us why you're dressed as Elvis Presley, yet somehow the cheaper version of him?
Chris: [with a bad Elvis impersonation] Thank ya', thank ya' very much.
Jane: Trust me when I say that look doesn't flatter you in the slightest.
Daria: I think I've seen better impersonations from Mr. O'Neill.
El Jefe: [puffs out smoke] Mind also explaining the ridiculous backdrop?
Si: I agree, what do the Parthenon and Elvis Presley have to do with one another?
Am: You don't reckon he's finally cracked, do you?
Si: Please, he's been cracked for the last few years.
Am: True that.
Chris: [normal voice] AHEM, if you'd all engage in the act of shutting up now, I'll explain. We're now approaching Centennial Park, right here in Nashville. Capital of Tennessee, and known for its copious amount of barbecue joints as well as having a rich history with the music industry. Granted a lot of that history is with country music, but hey, they can't all be winners. As for the backdrop, no idea why they felt the need to recreate the Parthenon in the middle of Tennessee, but at least it'll make a neat backdrop for today's challenge. And on that note, let's explain the rules! We're going to be putting on a genuine southern county fair.
[the contestants murmur to one another with various tones]
[static buzzing]
Cajun: Sha, county fairs are ma' bread n' butta', ya'll don't know how many times I've wowed the judges with ma' spicy chili supreme, though I always wondered why they keep a spare pitcha' of wata' everytime they come around.
[static buzzing]
Si: Ugh, county fairs are disgusting, there's always trash on the ground, noisy children running around and farm animals tainting the air with their stench!
Am: Imagine a contest where stuffing yourself with a faceful of pies gets you an award. Euggggghhh, how undignified.
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to the contestants now standing in a field before Chris and Chef]
Chris: To put on this fair, we'll be having you compete in three challenges. For each one, you'll nominate one person to represent your team. If you win a challenge, you earn your team three points. Being the runner-up gets you two points while losing obviously only gets you a single point. The winners at the end of the day receive a gold ticket to first-class, the second placers go to economy class with their tails tucked between their legs, and the third placers go to economy class and have to vote off a sorry sap off the plane before they can lick their wounds.
Daria: Gee, I wonder what's first, the gluttony contest or the mud wallowing contest.
Chris: More like the racing down the hill on an ice cube while holding onto a pig challenge.
Daria: [stares blankly into the camera]
[static buzzing]
Daria: I just had to ask, didn't I?
[static buzzing]
Chris: Decide amongst yourselves who will be taking on the hog and potentially freezing their bums off. You've got two minutes.
Jane: So who's taking the chance because I've not touched a farm animal in my life and I don't intend to start now.
El Jefe: Would probably have to choke the thing to stop it from wriggling about.
Doggie: If it's any consolation, I'd be willin' to take on da task. Afta' all, I've been to a few county fairs in my time with my lil boy, Augie, so I reckon I stand a good chance of gettin' us a headstart.
El Jefe: [under his breath] For your sake, you'd better be right.
Si: Neither of us is participating in such an activity, it's completely barbaric.
Starlight: You two do know you're not exactly prime images of maturity, right?
Am: Ugh! How dare you! We simply refuse to partake in holding a greasy, slimy hog, if you're so confident, you take on the task!
Starlight: You know what, I think I will, especially since no one else is volunteering.
Sly: Don't look at me, I'm just watching the latest edition of Girls Gone Wild.
Thomas: Not to worry, boys, these paws have got a strong grip and tackle a pig in my arms.
Scat: Mind that rear a' yours don't freeze up too badly.
Thomas: In that case, I expect a set of Scat Cat paws on it to help me warm up.
Scat: Ooooooh, you sneaky boy. [nudges the orange feline as both Roscoe and Desoto exchange a look while Dodger watches with a grin...and then a look of contemplation comes across his face as he puts a paw on his chin]
Chris: Players! Get to your places and get ready to rumble!
[Thomas, Starlight, and Doggie sit on their respective ice blocks and are handed a pig each, wriggling about in the respectful players' arms]
Chris: Ready...set...GO! [blows the airhorn as the contestants race down the hill]
Starlight: Okay, little pig, just keep yourself calm for momma, that's right…
Doggie: WHOA! H-Hey! Don't wriggle so much! Ya' throwin' me off!
Thomas: À plus tard! The finish line's callin' my name! Whoa, sooey, easy there!
[as the contestants draw closer to the finish line, Thomas is the first to cross, followed by Starlight, and then finally by Doggie who slips past the other two...right into a puddle of mud]
Doggie: What you pigs call a bath, what I need is a nice hot tub.
El Jefe: [puts a paw to his forehead] Por el amor de Dios…
Doggie: Sorry about dat, guess the headstart was a little...delayed.
El Jefe: You can say that again…
Thomas: Brrrrr, victory never felt so chi-YIP!
Scat: I guess you were right, boo~
Thomas: Oh, you sly bae~
Chris: Next up, the chili contest! Who can make the best chili to be judged by Chef!
Cajun: Oh, this'll be easy. Chili and me go hand and hand with ma' famous recipe.
Daria: Mind you don't burn his tongue off in the process.
Leshawna: Ya'll just stand back and watch, ma' grandmotha' passed down this recipe to ma' motha' and now she's passin' it onto me. I got this one in the bag.
Sly: With the way that's sounding, I reckon my mouth'll be watering.
Starlight: I wager the same.
Scat: None a' ya'll ain't seen nothin' till you try what I'm about ta' cook up, it'll soothe those tastebuds into delicious heaven.
Thomas: True that I would know given I've been on the end of his cooking, delicious in more ways than one.
Dodger: I'll drink to that, or eat to that, per say.
[scene cuts to the contestants standing beside their respective pots as Chef comes to examine them one by one, each of them watching with anticipation before the cook stands in front of them]
Chef: Daredevil; ya' chili's so flat, I've had sandpaper with mo' spice in it! Siamese; an improvement, but still lackin'! Cajun...my verdict stands at that is the spiciest chili I've eva' put in ma' mouth...and DAMN, is it delicious! Ya'll win this round!
[Team Cajun all smile at Cajun who's grinning broadly]
Cajun: Sha, I knew ya' be impressed.
[static buzzing]
Cajun: It's like I always say; no one can out-cook a Cajun Fox.
[static buzzing]
Sly: [takes a spoon of his team's chili] Mmmm, not bad, not bad at all.
Starlight: [joins in] Huh, you're right.
Leshawna: [smiles] I knew I was doin' somethin' right.
Si and Am: [take a sample] Needs more spice.
Leshawna: [scowls]
[static buzzing]
Leshawna: Pfft, everyone's a critic.
[static buzzing]
Scat: [dejectedly] Sandpaper…
Thomas: [puts his paws on the black cat's shoulders] Hey, don't pay him any mind, I know your cooking's delicious since the day I tried it…
Scat: Awww, ya' too sweet...
[static buzzing]
[Thomas and Scat's tails are seen swishing about as they are heard tittering and chuckling to one another below the sink before a pounding is heard]
Chris: [off-screen] OUT! GET OUT! We do not need to see that kind of thing on the confessional cam!
[The two felines scowl at the door irritated]
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to black, the episode continues]
Chris: We're back and the competition is just getting started, let's see who'll be able to hold it out the longest in the next set of challenges!
[scene shows a montage of the teams doing various challenges, throwing darts at balloons consisting of Roscoe, Sly, and Daria to which the raccoon wins the event for his team, butter churning consisting of Dodger, Am, and Jane to which the fox terrier wins for his team, and then finding a needle in a haystack consisting of Desoto, Si, and El Jefe to which the tiger wins for his team, tying them all at ten points each on the chalkboard]
Chris: Okay, it's time for the final event; everyone up on the stage! You're all probably wondering why I haven't had you sing yet in this episode, that's because you're gonna be dazzling the crowd with a song to see who's got the best vocals in the show! Break a leg, you all...no really, that would be hilarious! [chuckles as he walks off-stage]
Dodger: [looks over to where Thomas and Scat are conversing with one another, and then over to Roscoe and Desoto…and the thought from earlier comes back in his head] Yeah…that should do it…
[scene cuts to the audience ready to watch the performance as the stage lights come on and the music starts to play as the contestants get into their places]
Dodger: You know, lately, while we've been flying in midair
I feel the way our catto comrades have been treated is unfair
Call me crazy, say I'm being too extra
But I've been in their shoes, at the end of an era
Do me a favor
Oh, boys~
Roscoe: What now, smartass?
Dodger: I've got something I want you to do for me.
Desoto: Heh! Why you askin' us for anything?
Dodger: You boys have sharp tongues, charm, and wit
Could call you friends with benefits
But there's something I'd rather you didn't deny me
To lend a paw so we can help thee
Only you can do it
Only you can really get down to it
Roscoe and Desoto: This dog is desperate,
His mind full of clutter
Why, why, why, why should we do you a favor?
Dodger: Oh baby, do me a favor
Roscoe: Why should I do you a favor, baby
Dodger: Uh-huh
Scat: Come on, nothing's too good for my man Tommy
What's wrong? Ask me for anything, I'll do my best
I've been so worried 'cause you're too depressed
I would do anything for you
Dodger: Do me a favor
Thomas: You know I want us both to feel free
Dodger: Do me a favor
Thomas: To let go, to assure me it'll be no sweat
Dodger: Do me a favor
Scat: Anything you could want from me you'll get
Dodger: Do me a favor
Scat: You say the word and I'll agree
Daria, Jane, Leshawna, Starlight, Si, and Am: Do me a favor, oh baby
Cajun, Doggie, El Jefe, and Sly: What now?
Daria, Jane, Leshawna, Starlight, Si, and Am: Do me a favor, say maybe
Cajun, Doggie, El Jefe, and Sly: What's on your mind?
Daria, Jane, Leshawna, Starlight, Si, and Am: Do me a favor, obey me
Cajun, Doggie, El Jefe, and Sly: So now you need me?
Daria, Jane, Leshawna, Starlight, Si, and Am: Do me a favor
Cajun, Doggie, Daria, El Jefe, Jane, Leshawna, Sly, Starlight, Si, and Am: Uh-huh
Roscoe: There's something that a smartass like you has to learn
If you play with fire then you're gonna get burned
Desoto: I'd rather you pay up for all that you've cost us
Oughta make you good and sorry for being such a doofus
Dodger: You've got to help me
Thomas: If you help me, I could even up this debt
And we could all have an experience that we won't ever forget
Scat: You always amaze me with the way that you think
If I was your daddy I would buy you a shrink
Thomas: You're already my daddy in more ways than one
I promise you a treat once this is all done
Dodger, Scat, and Thomas: Only you can do it
Roscoe and Desoto: You know I can do it
Dodger, Scat, and Thomas: Only you can really get down to it
Leshawna, Starlight, Si, and Am: This girl is desperate so come on and save her,
Baby, baby. baby, baby, do me a favor
Dodger: I've been thinking, about how happy they would be,
If only you'd throw them a bone, just for me
Roscoe: Oh, sure, I'll do whatever you say
Oh no, you're not the one giving orders here
You wanna give a deal, for something so severe
Then turn around to show me that rear
Or it's no go
Dodger: Think of them, we've all really have it rough
Roscoe: I know
Dodger: I could give a simple sorry…
Roscoe: I may
Dodger: ...but that's just not good enough
Roscoe: Okay, okay. Okay!
Thomas: If you help us, we could even out this debt
And we could all have an experience that we won't ever forget
Cajun, Doggie, Daria, El Jefe, Jane, Leshawna, Sly, Starlight, Si, and Am: Do me a favor, do me a favor
El Jefe: There's something that a smartass like you has to learn
If you play with fire then you're gonna get burned
I'd rather you pay up for all that you've cost me
Oughta make you good and sorry and show you as a pussy
Sly: Oh boy...
Thomas: You know I want us both to feel free
To let go, to assure me it'll be no sweat
Scat: Anything you could want from me you'll get,
You say the word and darling
Sly: Only I can do it.
Only I can really get down to it.
I'll be your White Knight.
I'll be your savior.
Baby, baby, baby, baby,
I'll do your favor
Si: If those boys are giving each other favors, you know what I want, Am?
Am: What, Si? What?
Si: By doing them a favor and showing them how we operate!
Am: You really mean it?!
Si: Yes!
Si and Am: Twin trickery! HAHAHA!
Daria and Jane: Favors are promises you don't want to break
Don't turn your back when there is so much at stake
Si and Am: I'm beggin'
Leshawna and Starlight: I'm pleadin'
Daria and Jane: I'm down on my knees
Am, Cajun, Desoto, Dodger, Doggie, Daria, El Jefe, Jane, Leshawna, Roscoe, Scat, Si, Sly, Starlight, and Thomas: If you really care about me, then baby, baby, please, please…
DO ME A FAVOR!
[the people in the crowd cheer and applaud as the song ends]
Chris: Okay, I gotta say; that was AWESOME! Brilliant vocal work especially from Team Daredevil who I decree as today's official winners!
[Thomas and Scat mesh one another's faces together in adrenaline as Dodger gives off a cheer while Roscoe and Desoto grin at one another]
Chris: Now, for who had the second-best vocals…I'm going with…Team Siamese! The girls killed it with the chorus! Daria, Jane, you two really need to tune up on your pitch.
Daria: Sorry, I don't do a high octave.
Jane: Now, Quinn, that's a high octave that could shatter glass.
[the members of Team Siamese walk off the stage looking relieved, though Si and Am caress their tails over Daria and Jane's chins as if to be mocking]
Si: Killed it with the chorus, he said.
Am: Tune up on your pitch, he said.
Daria: Engage in the act of shutting up, he said.
Jane: Vote off a sorry sap at elimination, he said.
[static buzzing]
Daria: Okay, we're not doing that again.
Jane: True that.
[static buzzing]
[scene cuts to black, at the elimination ceremony]
Chris: Welcome back, Team Cajun, ain't it ironic you all lost in the south given you got the blood on your team.
Doggie: Yeah…ironic…
Chris: You all know the standard procedure, time to get to voting!
[static buzzing]
Daria: [stamps a passport]
[static buzzing]
Jane: [stamps a passport]
[static buzzing]
Doggie: [stamps a passport]
[static buzzing]
Cajun: [stamps a passport]
[static buzzing]
El Jefe: [stamps a passport]
[static buzzing]
Chris: The votes are in, now it's time for peanuts! To the people not going home: El Jefe…[catches the bag]…and Cajun [catches the bag] Down to you three, one of us will be taking the Drop of Shame tonight…and it won't be Jane [catches the bag]. Now then, who do I give the final bag to; the low octave or the muddy mutt? Mmmmmmmm…
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Daria!
Daria: [catches the bag with a sigh of relief]
Doggie: [sighs] I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
Chris: You can say that again. [tosses the parachute to the Daschund]
Doggie: [as he nears the door] Well, so long, fellas, it was fun while it lasted. [jumps out the plane] AUGIE, MY BOY, I'M COMIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG!
Chris: And that's the end of that, four down, fourteen to go. How will Dodger's proposal to Roscoe and Desoto go down, will they all manage to show themselves more than just a group of overshadowed has-beens, and how will Team Cajun manage with only four members? Find out next time on Total…Drama…Destiny!
[scene cuts to black as the episode ends]
