Le1: Though I should hold respect for people, I should note that this is my story. I cannot merely bend to the wills of people's interests; otherwise the story stops being a story and becomes an interactive online MUSH, which I believe is the term. However, you should at least take solace in that I do not write romantic works, or at least have no prior experience in them. On the other hand… just see what happens in a few arcs…
Sheo Darren: A common plot gag many writers I've seen use is making Haku a female. This fic will also be using that gag.
Nantukoprime: The current arc "Typical", deals with the obvious rehashed parts of Naruto fanfiction. Afterwards, other points of reused ideas might be noted, but most likely not as obviously. I was not aware a "kooky OC" is considered a consistently reused plot point. Most male OC characters I've met are usually know-alls who seem to be a little too "great" to be interesting. They vary, but tend to be flat to me. Female OC characters are a little different; most of the ones I have met do have some "kookiness", but relatively remain in the scope of being PMS psychos who carry mallets around.
Typical: The Long Training Sequence-
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This is the personal training log of Uzumaki Naruto. I'm mostly writing this because I'm bored, but when I become a great Samurai like Sensei, I should leave something so more people can know how I became so.
Anyways, I started writing this in the year of the (Text damaged here), and I'm five right now. I don't really have too much paper on hand, and I think Sensei wouldn't like it if I used his comics…Man, don't want to resort to writing on floor boards… Speaking of which, I should introduce my friends.
My teacher is Inukage Tetsuya. I would like to say he's cool. But he's actually mostly weird. At least he's much better than the people back in my village. He likes to read lots of comics, and keeps talking about them all the time. It gets really annoying at times. He's also a really cool Samurai. He can easily fight ninjas on equal ground, even with all their techniques. Still, I wonder why he's so insistent that Samurai always lose.
My other friend is Haku. She's really nice! It seems like everyone in her village hated her too, but at least they had a reason why. For some reason in my village, I wasn't too different from anybody else, but everybody still hated me… Oh, yeah, Haku has something called a Bloodline Limit. It's some sort of special power only her family has. Personally, I think it's pretty cool. Oh yeah, Tetsuya-sensei still thinks Haku looks like a man. I think he's being a long-term pervert or something, saying he's only sure she's a girl if she gets breasts in the next few years. Definitely a long-term pervert.
I should tell you how I ended up being taught by sensei, and everything important before I began writing this. It started when I was in my village. One day I met sensei. He was really mean at first, hitting me, but he ended up being really nice afterwards, paying for my dinner. So I told sensei my problems. He just said if I hated it here, I should just run away (he forgot later, but the important thing is that he said it). So I did. Anyways, I snuck into some of sensei's belongings, but he found out anyways. After that, some ninja attacked us, but sensei beat them really easily. Afterwards I convinced him to take him with me as his student, and then he picked me up and ran as fast as he could away from the village.
Later we ended up trying to take a boat to the place where Mist ninja lived. On the way we found Haku. Again, sensei said some strange things that he probably will forget about, but it led to us taking Haku to a meal as well. After that, again, ninja attacked us. While sensei fought one, I had to fight another and protect Haku at the same time.
Heh, heh, I suppose that makes me greater than sensei, then?
It was kind of weird when I fought that one ninja though. For a moment I was about to die, then everything sort of turned…red…all I knew was I was getting tired of ninja attacking my friends. After that I sort of saw sensei and then I fell unconscious…
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"Oi, Naruto. Get up. People don't stay unconscious for that long, you know." A hand came over Naruto's still face before patting it with the back of the hand a few times with firm strokes. Slowly the boy's vision turned from nothing to eye-sand blurry, before rubbing such sand away finally cleared it to normal vision. He found that he was sitting up already, Tetsuya's cloak fallen to his lap. Its owner was beside the boy, looking at him with a lazed face before turning back to the fire in the pit in front of him, one hand holding his comic as usual. Devoid of the monstrous cloth that swamped him, in contrast the black vest hugged his body was left, showing his unexpectedly lithe body and muscles that wrapped his arms in a string. Not over muscled, but it was there. By his seated position, his lone blade lay on the wood floor.
Looking around further, Naruto looked around past the samurai. Upon his inspection he could see that the two were in some sort of meager hut in pitiful condition. The only lighting in the place, in fact, was the fire in the pit in the center of the room. At least that part was still functional in this excuse of a livable wooden box.
"…Sensei… where are we?" Naruto mumbled out of his sleepiness.
"On a small island in Mist territory. Lived in, but not of major notice. We're in a house on the far end of the island. Apparently somebody once lived here, but he either moved out or died. Nobody really notices this place."
"What happened to Haku?"
Tetsuya pointed ahead of him. The boy samurai looked to see the huddled form, breathing lightly as something orange covered her. Looking down on himself, Naruto noticed he was out of his jacket, and back to wearing just his black T-shirt.
"She's been doing nothing but sleeping and eating for the most part. She's mostly exhausted, and hardly eating before we met her isn't helping." The lone eyed warrior explained.
"Oh…Sensei… why is my jacket on Haku?"
"Because I figured it'd be rude of you to have two warm things covering you when she just has those… rags."
"Why not just put your cloak on her?"
"Because by the time I had my cloak on you, I just remembered about Haku, but I was already done with my handy work, so I just pulled the jacket off you."
"…I'll just not question your logic as long as your training works…"
"Good."
Outside the wind blew and shook the wooden door against its sliding rails.
"Hey, sensei."
Sensei mumbled something about the suffix 'sama' again before answering in a, "Yes?"
"What's going to happen to Haku?"
"I 'un know. I've got half a mind to just stick her in a safe place like I was going to do with you."
"Sensei!"
"I know! I know! She said she wanted to go with us. But look, here, that means I'll have to train her too!"
"Well?"
"If I went and trained every pitiful outcast orphan you decided to chance upon, I might as well be building an army of samurai!"
"…So?"
"If I went and made such army, then every damn nation would be thinking I'm trying to overthrow the world or something, then I'll never have any peace and quiet, just because you decided to pick up every stray brat you see!"
"But you can't just leave Haku!"
"I know, I know!" Tetsuya gave another drawling sigh of discontent for his conscience being a stupid, uptight, civilized bastard.
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…So, actually, I'm writing this all down after I woke up again. After that, Sensei told me that I should pray to the Divine System (Another thing from that comic) that I would never meet another homeless kid again. I guess he's just not used to being with people.
Anyways, it was night when all that happened, so I just slept some more. Sensei was probably reading that book still. Next day Haku woke up as well, so training continued.
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Before any varying form of unconsciousness could take them again, sensei dragged the two children out of their beds. Out in the clearing around and in the back of the hut the three stood. The two kids stood as patiently as they could while Tetsuya paced around a little, his covered blade resting across his shoulder as he prepped himself for speech. Eventually a cough caught the attention of Haku and Naruto.
"Alright, due to peculiar circumstances, I decided, Haku, that you can stay around as long as you like. Because that Bloodline of yours should be at least useful for…cooking… or something…"
"But, you don't even know what-"
"I don't care! Apparently a Bloodline is synonymous with nuking half the Shinobi Nations, so I'm sure you can at least use it to…chop wood…or something… Anyways, but like I told Naruto, I don't drag deadweight around. If you stick around, you're going to have to learn how to be useful, in and outside a fight. Understand?"
There, Haku nodded her head vigorously while responding with one of those Japanese 'Hm!'s that mean 'yes'.
"Right, first I gotta turn that piece of crap you call a body into something useful in a fight, so…"
Again, Tetsuya's sword was thrust into a trainee's arms, namely Haku. Of course she nearly fell under the heavy rudimentary weight. After her exclamation of what the hell he was doing, Tetsuya relayed instructions on how to train with the sword. Soon enough Haku was running around hefting the blade, while Tetsuya faced Naruto.
"So… did you actually go to a ninja school yet?"
"No."
"Damn. That means I have to explain all the complicated stuff. Do you even know what Chakra is?"
"No! You promised to tell me back at the river before we met Haku!"
"Oh. Right. I'll make this simple for now. On the one hand, you have physical energy. Run, jump, eat, fight, scream in pain, etcetera. The stamina that you need to do stuff. You with me?"
"Yeah."
"So then you have spiritual energy. That… is just some energy that exists in us. Hell knows what exactly it is, and there's not much you can do with it just by itself. So you get that Chakra shit when you mix the two. With Chakra, it's like the ultimate body energy. You pretty much us it as anything and turn it into anything. Ninja, can manipulate it and turn use it to summon giant robots to come out of the ground and shoot laser beams at people, along with other stuff. I use it too."
"But you said ninja use it."
"Hey, it's not a ninja only thing, you know. If you want to survive in combat that uses Chakra, you gotta use some of it too. So that's where we're gonna start."
"How are you going to teach me to use Chakra? I don't even feel it."
"Oh don't worry. Once this is over, you'll be feeling it. Anyways, this drill require the use of a tree…"
"…Tree?"
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A tree sounded pretty harmless. I mean the worst you can do it climb it. Unfortunately, Sensei decided to pull something crazy and out of the top of his head. There are times I really hate how he doesn't know how to teach…
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"Umm… sensei? Is Naruto going to be safe up there?" Haku called out from below.
" 'Course he will, it's just a tree! Now get back to… running around!" Tetsuya shouted back down from his rather lofty height. With him, Naruto's knees were buckling as he stared down.
"…Sensei… w-what are we doing?"
"Tree jumping."
"Tree what?"
"JUMPING. Geez, what else can you do with a tree? Climb it? Che, that doesn't use chakra. Anyways, you gotta sort of… massage the Chakra down to your legs. The feeling probably differs from person to person, but you'll know when it works. When its there, jump."
"Do I have to massage it EVERY time?"
"Nah… I was just told that when I first got into chakra. After a while, moving it around is like second nature. But for now, just massage it." From there, Tetsuya leaped from his position next to Naruto to another branch of another tree that one could not have spanned without great trouble without using chakra. The swaying of the branch without the extra weight jarred its other younger occupant with enough force that the boy could do little more than yelp and grab whatever he could to steady himself until the branch finally stopped swinging.
"Oi, Naruto! What are you standing there for? Get jumping!"
"I can't jump something like that!"
"Sensei! You're going to kill him!" Haku's voice came again from below.
The lone eyed rolled around to the top of the head with a groaning sigh, "Haku! Shut the hell up before you actually make Naruto believe that! As for you!" Said Tetsuya thrusting his pointed fist at his male student, "It's probably not even a meter! Just do what I told you! We don't have all day! Go already!"
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The good news is that I didn't die. The bad news is that I probably would have anyways, had sensei saved me. Massage? How the heck is that supposed to work? I didn't even feel a thing. After a while, the day got late and we ended up talking back inside the hut.
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There was not much to do outside of training. Luckily for the lone female of the party, this kept her entertained, since all of her mind was devoted to ensuring the sword she was thrusting up and down did not crush her. For Tetsuya and Naruto (who refused to do anything else for the night in compensation of his tree jumping escapade), such option was not available to them. So one just stared at the fire, trying to blank his mind of activity (his comic had finally been worn thin. He would have to wait another day or so before enthusiasm let him read again), while the other lay on his back, playing the exhilarating game of "count the number of whatever strange deformities you can find in the wood roof above you".
"Um… sensei?" Haku asked. Sensing boredom, she decided now was the best time to approach a subject that nagged at her.
"…Uuuuuuhhhhnnnnn…?" came the reply of a man who successfully mentally blanked himself.
"You never really told us about yourself. What was your life like before us?"
"Yeah! We told you all about ourselves, but the best you give us is 'my parents are dead'." Naruto pointed out as well, while turning to his side to face his teacher's back.
"Well, if you must know," Tetsuya said while yawning off his previous condition, "The story of my childhood is like this…"
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Sensei's family, the Inukage was a real Samurai clan before the ninja wars. But after the ninja wars, it was obvious who was more useful in missions. Ninja used Chakra techniques as much as they wanted, but the Samurai liked to do it the old fashion way. Some tried to fight ninja to prove their worth, but they still lost. Between the battles and the loss of attention, the Samurai sort of rotted away. According to sensei, the Inukage clan ended up after the war as just a small family with their ancestral possessions and honor. So they still trained their children to fight like samurai. Tetsuya-sensei said he was the youngest one. Also, besides being a Samurai clan, the Inukage also were supposed to be appointed guardians of some… treasure or something. Some sort of relic that was buried inside a tree behind the house.
Anyways, Tetsuya said he was about five when it was the night ninja attacked the house. He can't remember if they were from a village or they were free-lance "missing" ones. The ninja killed all of his family, and they were looking for that treasure in the tree. Here's where it gets weird. If they were killing the whole family, how did sensei live? He said that all the ninja were killed as well in the incident, but how? He also said he carries the relic with him now, so Haku and I asked what it was.
"Secret" he says. Pah.
I suppose afterwards he began training with that Mist-nin he talks about. I wonder how long he trained for?
Afterwards we asked him what Samurai were like before the wars. Tetsuya sensei said he wasn't born before then, but he did remember some cool stories about seven samurai defending a poor village, another about a bodyguard called Sanjuro who tricked two gangs into killing each other, and another about some blind old guy with a sword in his cane. I think the Sanjuro one was pretty cool, but a cane-sword is pretty cool too.
Training went on as usual. I finally sort of got what he meant by massaging Chakra, so I'm slowly getting used to this stuff. Haku is pretty smart, though. She catches up pretty fast and she learns stuff really fast. I tend to go to her for help, since sensei is an idiot when it comes to training.
Still, there was that one time…
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Near the body of water a walk able distance from the hut, training commenced. Naruto gave out a harsh "Yaaaah!" while charging towards his teacher with his wooden 'sword' that was carved out from a tree. As the boy swung down at the legs Tetsuya merely thrust his own sheathed weapon into the dirt to block the attack before using it as a base for a somersault over the boy to his exposed behind, where a foot forced Naruto forward until he tripped into the water.
"So, Haku… You can manipulate the nature of water as your ability?" The samurai commented in interest as he watched the girl crouch by the pool, an orb of the liquid suspended in the air between her hands.
"I can make water do anything I want."
"Really… anything at all?"
"I think so."
"Even the temperature? So you can turn it into ice?"
"I don't think I ever tried… Sensei, what are you thinking of doing?"
"…Just an idea. For now I want you to see if you can do that. It might save me some money…"
Just then Naruto's head popped back out of the water. "Sensei! You show off! What's with the twirling and jumping?"
"Aw, shut up. It's Haku's turn now to get wet."
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…I guess making weapons out of ice is an all right idea, but isn't ice rather brittle, compared to steel? I suppose this is one of those points where I can't really dissect Sensei's thinking. It would be kind of cool to make swords out of ice, though. After some more 'sparring', which was mostly just sensei making fun of us because he could keep knocking us into the water, we soon found out that fish actually lived in it. This led to another training scheme. Though, target practice with kunai at fish under water kind of sounds stupid. Haku and I didn't have enough strength or practice to actually hit a fish, so sensei caught the fish mainly…
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While Naruto and Haku had learned much in the way of combat, and currently running drills as usual, as they chased each other back to the hut, Tetsuya had learned the most important lesson of all:
Fish are the most superior beings.
Not only proved in Chapter 84, Volume 19 of Super Shiny Spinny Attack (Aquatic God Storm pulverized the Rangers every time they met until they learned how to call upon the STARS), Tetsuya learned first hand that even if you beat the fish, they always took revenge. Right now revenge was the sheer weight of the pile of dead…fish that was weighing down upon the cloaked back. His precious mantle was getting wet from the stringed together carcasses, and no doubt the smell would take a while to dull out, and they were so damn HEAVY! It was most likely that if Fish were ninja, they would realize their omnipotence, name themselves gods, and proceed to utterly demolish all that opposed them. He had a feeling even the Tailed-Demons wouldn't be able to stop them.
"Oi… Naruto… give me a hand here… you realize how heavy all these fish are?" Samurai teacher moaned.
Samurai student scrunched up his face at the sight of the dead fish. "Why? It isn't training."
" 'Course it is! It's weight training!"
"…If you ask me, I'd rather prefer the sword to the fish…"
"You know, Naruto… that sounded rather… Samurai-ish."
"Really? YEA-ow!" It was here that Haku found an opening and struck with her wooden pole.
"Oh! Sorry! I thought you would have noticed…"
"Haku! That was mean!"
There, the children laughed and continued to chase each other with their weapons. To others, it would have been simply children dreaming of war, but to Tetsuya, it was remarkable how fast the children were picking up war.
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These fish were actually very good. Very little extra bone, cooked well in a fire, and had the right crispiness to them. Very good fish. Outside their residence in the night sky, the three of them ate their single course dinner. It was also becoming an interesting game between the three of them to see who of them could continually throw away their spent meal into the same pile throughout. Eventually the fish stopped coming, and the three sat under the night sky.
"Naruto, Haku. I'd like to ask you an old question again."
'Yes?' they answered.
"Why did you two choose to come with me? Naruto, you at least had a place in a ninja village. Haku, you could have been picked up by that Mist Jounin. It's true what they say. Ninja are the future. The Samurai died out over a hundred years ago because they can't compete. Why did you come with me when you could be so much more powerful as a Shinobi?"
Naruto snickered at the obvious "Sensei, I already told you. Everybody hated me there. I don't have any parents, and nothing to keep me there. It's better that I went with you!"
Haku nodded "We're monsters, Sensei, all of us. We don't belong anywhere else. Even if you think you're the worst, we'll still stay with you. You're the only one who doesn't care what we are."
"Belonging huh? Monsters…" Tetsuya's mouth curled into a sneer at the words. It just sounded funny, something so philosophical like that being said by some brats and a washed up swordsman.
"So, you two are going to follow this path, no matter what?"
Nods of confirmation. Tetsuya stood up and walked a few steps in front of his students, before his swords was suddenly naked and pointed at the sky.
"Naruto! Haku! Let's be something great! Zato Ichi, Sanjuro, Kambei and his six, they're all legends, whether they're real or fake. Let's be great like them too! We're possibly the last of our kind, let's be the last! Let's make our name so great that the world won't forget our names, and when they remember, they won't think of orphans or monsters, but the last Samurai, the last legends! I'll stop pestering you about following me! You're my students! Let's be legends!"
"S-sensei…"
"Th-that was cool!"
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I'll admit at times he is weird. But I suppose he can be cool at times too. So, all three of us are samurai now. After that we were kind of all excited about being samurai for a few days. The message still sticks with us, but after training for a long time, you still tend to realize how much more you got to go before you get as strong as sensei.
That won't stop me though! I'll just train to be good really fast, and then Haku and I can kick his ass, heh, heh!
We finally got used to using chakra now. We know how to move it around, and we've been memorizing hand positions ninja use, so we can know what to expect if we fight them. Sensei said he uses a few himself, but mainly to supplement his fighting. I've got to stop writing this for now. Sensei is getting us out for something to do with chakra…
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The three were walking back to the body of water again, and Tetsuya was wondering whether this would work or not.
"Hey! Sensei! So what's the cool thing we're going to do with chakra?" Naruto was giddy at the thought of proving his superiority over the damn energy once again.
(Lecture mode on) "As you two know, chakra's made and used by mixing the two energies and molding and shaping it. But you have to train yourself to be proficient and efficient at using it. It's sort of like the difference of holding a sword and using a sword. One, you can just sort of swing it around get the job done, the other actual takes full potential and uses it for full efficiency."
"So… you're saying we have to control our chakra better?" Haku summarized.
"Yeah."
"So how are we going to learn to control our chakra?" Naruto asked.
"This is why we have this body of water here. My Mist-nin who taught me how to fight showed me how to use chakra as well. This is what he did."
With a leap Tetsuya flew through the air, towards the center of the pool. Given his body weight, the two trainee samurai covered their face from the oncoming splash. Instead they found their sensei landing on top of the water like it was made of earth.
"S-sensei! How did you do that?" Naruto exclaimed.
"Simple. I'm pushing chakra out of the bottom of my feet, allowing me to stick to the surface of the water and repel gravity. I don't know the exact science, but that's what I figure. Just remember that chakra is used."
"So we just push chakra out our feet?" Haku asked.
"Not exactly. You need release the right amount. Too little, and you still fall through. Too much and you just blow the water up around you and then fall through. Also, since the surface of the water changes, you've got to keep track of that, too."
"So, sensei, how long did it take you?"
"Uh… I don't remember. It must had taken a while though, because I can remember my sparring buddy laughing at me a lot during that time. Anyways, I'll judge when your ready by when you managed to get from there to my position without falling. If you do go through, then go back to shore and start all over again."
"All right! This'll be easy!"
…Too little, too much, keep track of water surface? Hello? Is that easy? "Oh yeah, Haku."
"Sensei!"
"Don't you dare cheat or something! I know your Bloodline has to do with water, so don't pull something out of that effeminate ass of yours, or you'll be sorry!"
"Sensei!" Haku whined at the accusation. At the same time, Naruto was running with a war cry towards Tetsuya on the water's surface.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
First step on its surface, the water blew up like a bomb hit it.
Tetsuya just sighed as he shielded his eyes from the falling drops. He had a feeling the opposite was going to happen to Haku. "This might take a while…"
Nice war cry, though.
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Next Chapter: Short of cash, and short of patience, the three samurai take up a job offer from a traitor to steal a valuable from Naruto's home village. There, some shocking, interesting, and perhaps plot-building secrets are reveals there.
A/N: I guess here I should say how much I hate the idea of some person from our planet taking a wormhole through time and space and landing in the Naruto world. Something about it makes me hate it. Perhaps because it's often a mix between Self-insertion and Mary Stu. I think those PMS psychos with mallets come from there, too, because they're oh SO original characters. How they have to write like Naruto is an anime, or a manga, and they're have to damn make the world a happy and perfect place in there by rehabilitating Sasuke and Itachi and every damn guy with a problem. Even worse than other Original Characters. I'm happy to admit that I liked "Naruto's Mom" more than the rest of that horrible sub-genre. Because even though it begins with a first person view of a person from another dimension, the character slowly evolves to become a character, not just an offshoot of the author's brain and how she/he thinks Naruto should be like. Granted, though, she was still a PMS psycho with a mallet, and I didn't like that at times, since it was annoying.
