Robb
"Do I even want to know what is in this?" Robb said, dipping the wooden spoon into the thick greasy stew Rickon had set down before you.
"I do not know," Drax said. "Do you? I can do many things but I can't read minds." He began to tick off points on his fingers. "I can lift a wagon over my head and break people's necks and eat out one whore while fucking another at the same time-"
"Drax, eat the soup and not the whores," Gamora said dryly. The green skinned man, though it was hard to tell that with his hood raised up, shrugged and focused on slurping the stew while Robb's aunt looked at him. "It's bear meat. Now you do the same. We need to keep our energy up." She raised a spoonful up only to crinkle her nose. "Mostly because of the shits we're going to get from eating this are going to wear us out."
Robb glowered at her before grabbing some hard stale bread and breaking off a piece, deciding to try and use that to cut down on the fat and oils that were bubbling up in his bowl.
"Ya know if you want ta switch I have no problem with eatin' whatever you guys are havin' while one of you hides in the bag!" Rocket complained from under the table, the sound of canvas shifting just barely audible over the laughter and bellows of the other wildlings who were gathered at their own tables and benches.
Rickon gave the bag a firm nudge with his foot. "Just stay in there for a bit longer. We'll be heading out after eating and then it will be your turn to get out and about."
"Oh yes, because sneakin' around some dank cave listenin' to the Free Folk belch and fart in their sleep is such a pleasant thing to do! If I'm lucky two of them might fuck!" He huffed. "Only good thing about any of this is I don't have ta watch Drax eat. Big lummox figure out how ta use a spoon yet?"
Robb looked up at his uncle who was slurping his stew by merely lifting the bowl to his mouth and guzzling it.
"Not really but I have brothers who never learned that either," Roslin admitted, accepting a piece of bread from Robb and dipping it into her bowl.
"You seem oddly okay with this," Yondu told her. "Not like my soft grandson here." He kicked Robb in the shin and the young man glowered at the leader of the Children of the Forest; he didn't say anything though because he'd come to learn that if you tried to bicker with Yondu he ended up making you regret it through several colorful and painful ways.
"I grew up in the Twins with more brothers and nephews than most dynasties manage to put together," Roslin told him. "And my father never met a copper he didn't cling to like a lost love. Yelling and-" She paused as two wildlings suddenly flung their table to the side and began to fight with each other, cursing and screaming at one another as they fell on the ground and rolled about. "-fighting are quite common."
"I near noises… did an orgy start up?" Rocket asked.
"I am Groot," Groot said from within Robb's shirt (the tree spirit having decided today to cuddle up with him).
"What was that?" Rocket asked again.
"HEY!" Robb squealed as Groot began to rut around in his clothes, wiggling and twisting as he made his way down to his belly button. "Don't you dare go lower!"
Groot, thankfully, just popped his head out from the hem of Robb's shirt and told the sake, "I am Groot."
"Whaddya mean 'from a certain point of view'?! Are they fuckin' or what?"
"They aren't," Gamora said simply while Roslin just continued to eat her stew. Robb, embarrassed by the way his wife was handling their current hardships as if they were merely casual events occurring no different than any other day in her life, finally plucked up the courage and took a large mouthful of soup. And promptly sealed his lips shut so he didn't cough it all over the table as the overly strong flavors hit his tongue. While as a Northerner he was far more used to the gamier tastes the meals of Winterfell brought (he still had fond memories of that bastard Joffrey nearly vomiting the first time he'd cut into an elk roast and found it far more flavorful than the bland beef served in King's Landing) the stew was something else entirely, his tongue flailing about as it tried to handle all the different tastes and textures that assaulted it.
"I know," Roslin said sympathetically. "It needs more salt. These wildlings know nothing of seasoning."
Robb just looked at her and forced himself to swallow before going for a much smaller bite… just as Drax suddenly stood up. "What is it?" he asked, spoon hovering right near his lips.
"Those two on the ground… they are fighting poorly. I must teach them."
"No, you must not," Rickon told him sternly. "Sit your green ass down."
"But it is embarrassing. Poor fighting makes my penis soft." Robb just stared at his uncle in bewilderment.
"No one cares about your penis, boy!" Yondu snapped.
"There are many who do care!" Drax declared loudly. "And even more who would if they knew of it!"
"If you take it out I will remove it so they can use it in tomorrow's stew!" Gamora threatened him, making Robb poke more at his dinner and pray that was just a bit of sausage floating in the thick liquid.
"Sit down, boy!" Yondu commanded firmly, Drax finally taking a seat. "You and your pecker caused us enough problems when you were just Brandon. That cunt Barbrey Ryswell gives your brother Ned far too much defiance because your cock muddled her brains up."
Drax smirked at that. "Of course it did. There are few women who could have another after they know its length and girth."
"Because they were so horrified thinking all men's dicks were so small they decided to lick cunts instead?" Rocket asked only for Drax to try and stomp on him.
Turning back to his father Drax's smile though fell. "I did not mean to cause Ned trouble. When this is over I will make it right."
Rickon rolled his eyes. "Yeah… don't think we need you going to visit Barrowton and ending up with a green skinned hybrid bastard running around." He suddenly paused. "Can you guys even have children?"
Yondu opened his mouth only to snap it shut and honestly ponder that. "Don't rightly know. Technically these bodies did die but we brought them back with magic. They live and breathe and need to eat-"
"And shit," Drax pointed out helpfully. "I am quite good at that too. Shitting and fucking." He paused. "Did I ever tell you about the time I fucked a horse?"
"No but thank ya boy for that fucking image," Yondu grunted, resting his forehead on his hand. "No idea if we can produce children though."
Gamora shook her head. "Let's not risk it though, considering we have the fucking Mad Titan breathing down on neck and no information. I'm in no mood to give Jon a baby brother or sister." Robb decided to block that out because no, he still refused to think of Jon as anything but his brother.
"I am Groot."
"No, not even with a horse!" Rocket called out.
Robb sighed. His aunt was right on that count. The group had been visiting Nowhere for nearly three weeks now, every single day, and learned nothing. They'd listen to the rumors and whispers coming from new arrivals from North of the Wall and have nothing to show for it. The wildlings seemed to know as much as they did about Thanos and his forces; oh, they knew SOMETHING was out there hunting them and the comments on the dead rising were a fact to these men and women. It was why Nowhere was so busy and no one batted an eye at Robb and his group visiting on a daily basis. All sorts of wildlings would head out at night to hunt for food or fish in the freezing waters in order to 'pay' for a place by the fire and someone to cook their catch. They didn't know what they were going to do next but all the wildlings were just happy to have the Wall between them and the wights.
'It's not like we have any other option though,' Robb thought to himself. 'We can't just wander about in the Haunted Forest calling out for the wights to come and face us.
Taking another, if smaller, spoonful of stew he looked about Nowhere and the eating hall they were in even if calling it a 'hall' was being rather generous. It was merely an open area in the large underground cavern where benches were set up and fire pits constantly going to smoke meat and prepare stews and other hearty (if greasy and intensely flavored) meals. The ceiling was 4 stories tall, meaning that the smoke from the fire pits never choked them, and a mad assortment of furs had been laid about for those that wished to sit on the ground rather than at the roughly made benches and tables. Those were at least somewhat familiar to Robb, reminding him a touch of the Great Hall in Winterfell. Yet there were so many other differences that he couldn't ever get comfortable.
The two fighters finally got up and growled at each other before stomping off in opposite directions to sit with different groups and soon forgot completely about each other, focusing only on food and laughter. It always amazed Robb how quickly the wildlings could forget a fight; he'd seen one rip off another's ear and by the end of the night they were drunkenly swaying together singling some song that he'd never heard of and wouldn't ever be able to repeat due to how slurred the words were.
"Look," Yondu muttered, low and gruffly with his head ducked down even as he eyes stared out from underneath his hood. "Loose Lips is here."
Robb didn't move his head but still glanced towards the ramp that went over the river that ran through the deep cavern and the woman that was making her way towards them. Loose Lips wasn't her name but no one cared to actually learn what her people had called her and she wasn't about to tell it. Even with her thick furs, frizzle blonde brown hair, and hard face she still held herself like a Queen even if she was only a spear wife. Honestly the arrogant way she looked about the hall reminded Robb of Cersei Lannister and how she'd looked down her nose at all those that she saw in Winterfell.
"I have news from beyond the Wall!" she called out, commanding everyone to focus on her. Most did not, instead continuing on with their meals, but they didn't fool anyone in trying to make it seem like they weren't actually listening. Only the truly dense wouldn't notice how the hall grew quieter, the conversations going from a roar to rival the crashing a white water against stones to the murmur of a brook.
"Is it about whatever stick you have shoved up that ass of yours?" a thin wildling dressed in light leathers with a beak like nose asked with a guff.
"You just want to stick yours in her, Hawk," his friend replied. The other wildling was doughier and thicker, with curly hair and a wide and open face.
"Better than yours, Trap. She'd actually feel mine!" Hawk cackled, leaning against his dining companion as he laughed, his companion merely rolling his eyes.
"As if any woman would want your diseased cocks near them!" Loose Lips snarled.
Robb tuned the three of them out, having grown used to their bickering. Every time Loose Lips came to tell them all the latest rumors Hawk and Trap would do all they could to be as crude and vulgar as possible than laugh like high pitched dogs.
'And that is what she tells us,' Robb thought. 'Rumors.' Loose Lips claimed to provide 'news' but after Yondu had sent Robb to talk to some of the other wildlings (much to his annoyance) he'd learned that she mostly just spread gossip. There were grains of truth in her words but that was it. You had to sift through them, like a man digging through dirt to find a pebble of gold.
Loose Lips finally grew tired of the two braying wildlings and called for attention before sticking her nose in the air. "The so called 'King Beyond the Wall' has betrayed us all! He has retaken his vows and is a member of the Night's Watch once more!" That earned some grumbles and sneers but not much else from those gathered, which clearly didn't surprise Yondu.
The Leader of the Children scoffed as Loose Lips continued on to tell them about Mance Rayder and how he had bent the knee to Lord Commander Jeor Mormont and been allowed to rejoin the Night's Watch after offering up all the wildlings across the Wall as payment. "The Night's Watch hates traitors far more than they do the Free Folk. The memory of the false Night's King still burns in their minds and it is something they will never forget. Any new brother that rises to any position of power has that tale burned into their gray matter so that it might never be forgotten. There is simply no way that Mance Rayder would be allowed back with the Night's Watch… hell, the bastards would kill that bastard on sight… poor bastards."
Loose Lips, having finished telling her tale of how Mance was the scum of the earth for betraying the wildlings and siding with the Night's Watch, instantly shifted to a new topic without preamble or thought. "Crastor's Keep has fallen! His wives have rebelled and slain him!"
"Of course they did!" Hawk taunted. "That was his first mistake… having more than one wife!" He guffed and laughed at that, Trap doing the same. A few others also chuckled at that but quickly grew silent as the spear wives and other fierce warrior women that were gathered in the hall shot dark glares their way.
"That's more interesting," Yondu muttered to Robb. "Crastor is a shit man. A worshiper of the Others."
"There are people that worship Thanos?" Rickon asked, surprised.
"There will always be people that worship stupid things," Yondu told him. "I could appear in King's Landing, shoot fire out of my ass, and cure grayscale and there would still be people who would claim it was all fake and continue worshiping the Seven. Or create some new religion entirely just so they could be different from everyone else. Never underestimate the living's ability to be cunts."
"Pirates from the Sunset Sea have managed to sail their ships through the Shivering Sea and along hidden rivers to come to the Narrow Sea! They will now be able to spread their terror along the Eastern shores before retreating back into the far West!"
"And if I part my ass cheeks I can fart out a song we can all dance too!" Trap called out and this time many in the hall began to laugh at the sheer madness of what Loose Lips was claiming. Even Robb found himself snickering at the thought.
But not Yondu.
"Let's go," he said sternly, motioning for the others to follow him. Drax hurriedly finished his stew while Roslin snagged the loaf of black bread and wrapped it up in her arms like a baby as they hurried off. Robb grunted as Groot shifted in his shirt while Gamora grabbed the bag Rocket was in and hefted it over her shoulder.
"Hey! Watch it ya giant green dimwit."
"Drax isn't carrying you," Gamora told him.
"Oh," Rocket said before snapping, "watch it your frigid green cunt!"
"I need a new set of gloves Rocket… don't tempt me," the former Lyanna Stark said coolly.
"I was thinking the same thing. Nice emerald leather."
"Enough," Yondu said as they began to make their way across the bridge and to the path that led through the cavern's shanty town. "We got what we came for."
"We did?" Robb pressed.
Yondu nodded. "The purple haze that has been blocking my vision of the North… it leaves a trail, as it were. There are areas in the True North I can see better than I can others… and it weakens as I move from the shore of the Narrow Sea to the Sunset Sea."
"But pirate ships… actually sailing through rivers?" Robb asked. "It's not possible."
"Oh really boy?" Yondu said with a raised eyebrow. "Ya gonna tell me what's possible and what ain't. Your granddaddy who got burned alive by the Mad King who is now walking right next ta ya?"
"Point taken," Robb muttered as they passed by a few cobbled together huts.
"No no, tell me more about the impossible while you walk with your aunty who died in childbirth and your uncle that strangled his dumbass self tryin' to save me. Then the talking tree and the raccoon can join ya for a drink-"
"Point. Taken." Robb growled.
"Granted," Gamora said, coming to his defense, "Even I don't know HOW they got across."
Yondu grimaced at that. "Ain't any rivers that flow freely that far North, and certainly none deep enough." He shook his head as they neared the mouth of the cave where their boat was tethered. "But we-"
Drax suddenly grabbed Robb and Roslin, yanking them down so hard to the ground that Robb's teeth chattered and shook. Groot cried out, just managing to wiggle out from Robb's shirt before he was crushed. The little wood spirit glared at him before seeing Roslin was also down and deciding he wanted to cuddle with her now and hurrying over, tangling himself in her hair. Robb's head thundered in pain and he gasped for air but then he saw Yondu and Gamora joining them on the ground, falling into the wet silt…
…just as the screams of the dying filled the air, mixing with war cries.
Robb went still before he went for the shit sword hung from his belt. "The Others?"
"No," Gamora hissed in annoyance. "That actually might be better than this."
"What could be worse than the others?" Roslin asked.
"In this case?" his aunt said. "Umbers."
"What the hell is going on?!" Rocket cried out from Gamora's bag
"It's fucking Umbers!" Yondu snarled. "Someone told them where fucking Nowhere was!"
Jon looked up to see longboats filled with the tall shaggy men of House Umber rowing towards the cavern opening of Nowhere, shouting orders as the bowmen at the front of the longboats firing arrows into the darkness. The first volley had done the most damage because it had been an utter surprise to the wildlings within but now that they knew they were coming the savages were grabbing their own weapons and taking cover so they might return killing blow for killing blow. Robb glanced up to count the longboats and his heart sank as he saw just HOW many the Umbers had sent to deal with the wildling camp. At least four longboats, each filled with ten men, and he spotted a few more off in the distance, ready to move in to assist.
"This isn't a hunting party that stumbled onto Nowhere," Gamora said grimly. "They knew about this place and prepared a scouring party."
"Then let's not be here when they begin scouring," Robb said as he began to crawl forward on his hands and knees. "We make for the boat."
"Damn straight boy!" Yondu said. "We do no one no good fighting these men… hell, none of us should be fighting as it means one less warrior to battle Thanos. A fucking waste."
Drax lifted his head up. "My father says this is a waste!" he shouted at the approaching longboats, only for the others to yank him down. "What? You said it was a waste and the Umbers are supposed to be our allies! Command them!"
"Oh yes, because I'm sure they'll believe us," Gamora growled. "Do you think it will be our green and blue skin that throws them off, the fact we aren't humans anymore, or the fact that our mortal halfs FUCKING DIED?!"
"They've stopped firing," Robb commented, raising his head and glancing at the longboats.
"Haha!" Drax laughed in delight. "I told you! I inform them of our father's displeasure and they listen, for they understand that I was very nearly their liege lord!" He raised his head up slightly. "Now then, we must-"
There was the twang of bowstring and Drax instantly dropped back down as the Umber men began to shoot FIRE ARROWS at the cavern. The wildlings who had thought they might have a chance to make for their boats and engage the Northmen went down screaming, clutching at the arrows that pieced their flesh and caused their garments to burst into flames. Robb caught sight of their boat bobbing in the water just before several arrows pierced it, causing it to quickly become engulfed as well.
"Anything else ya want to try you idiot?!" Rocket complained, finally wiggling out of the bag and glaring at the warrior. "Seriously, did you suffer brain damage when the Mad King strangled your human half!?"
Gamora sighed. "Maybe but Ashnuts wasn't exactly the most sane Child we had either."
"Well he-" Rocket paused. "Ashnuts?" He began to snicker.
"What?" Drax asked.
"Ashnuts!" Rocket cried out before doubling over, clutching his stomach as he laughed. "You're name is fucking Ashnuts!"
"It was Ashnuts and Brandon and now it is Drax. I do not understand his bemusement."
Yondu pinched the bridge of his nose. "What did I do in either of my previous lives to deserve this?"
Gamora rolled her eyes. "I don't know… let's start with trying to marry me off to that man-whore Robert Baratheon just because you had delusions of adequacy!"
"Is this REALLY the best time?!" Robb yelled, an arrow getting a bit too close for comfort. "Shouldn't we focus on the Umbers?"
"Why?" Roslin asked, much to his surprise. "There isn't anything else we can do about them. We can't beat them-" Drax, Yondu, and Gamora all stopped their bickering and she sighed in annoyance. "We SHOULDN'T beat them." That pleased the three Children of the Forest. "We need everybody we can get. And if we attack the Umbers we'll only, at best, slaughter them all and cause the Greatjon to demand retribution against the wildlings… maybe even your father if he finds out the truth of who you are." Robb paled at that. "That would just waste time and also lead to them becoming too embittered when we do need to make peace with the wildlings. And as Gamora said we can't tell them who we are and get them to stop."
"So what do we do then?" Robb asked.
"Only thing we can do," Roslin said as the boats finally came close… before rising up and holding her hands above her head. "I SURRENDER! PLEASE HELP ME!"
"Roslin!" Robb exclaimed only for Yondu to grab him and wrap a hand around his mouth.
"Shut it, boy! I think I see what she's playing at!" he hissed in his ear.
A tall man with long brown hair and a thick short beard stepped out of one of the boats, barking orders at his men to strike deeper into Nowhere and capture any wildling they could for interrogation; when one asked what to do with any that fought back the commander barked with a smirk, "make'em STOP fighting… no head tends to work best!" He moved with two other men towards Roslin, his naked sword still drawn as he approached and looked her over carefully before pointing the blade right at her. Robb fought the urge to leap to his feet and defend his wife, knowing if he did do that he would only put her in more danger.
"You… step towards me. If you or any of them on the ground so much as twitch in a way I don't like I'll gut you."
"Y-yes my lord," Roslin stammered in a way that was decidedly NOT like her at all. The Stone Wolf of Winterfell did not stutter. "I have a dagger my me, my lord… may I remove it?"
"No. My men will." He nodded to one man and Roslin, without ever lowering her hands, held up a leg and let the man remove the hidden dagger. "Now then… you called you surrendered and then claimed you needed out help?"
"I did, milord," she said, ducking her head in a sign of meekness. Robb was utterly startled; Roslin's entire voice had changed, before far coarser so that she sounded like one of the peasant girls in Winter Town rather than the future Queen In The North. "Please don't be killin' 'em, milord, till you've heard me tale… they're wildlings yes but they've helped me greatly."
"All the more reason to kill you all!" one of the men with the commander snapped, stepping forward. Robb glanced at Yondu who was already puckering his lips, ready to whistle and summon his arrow.
Roslin though shook her head. "Please… please just listen. Me mother… she was a whore in Moletown. Don't know me father. I was out visitin' a nearby farm to get us some food when there was a wildling attack." She rubbed her arms and swallowed nervously and Robb, even though he knew her story was a lie, found himself captivated by her tale. "The family was killed right quick but I was taken. I don't remember much of how they got me back across the Wall… I just remember their hands all over me… touching me…" She wrapped her arms around herself and began to shiver and shudder and Robb could see the Umber men being moved by her tale of assault and pain.
'Damn,' he thought to himself, utterly impressed.
"And yet you want us to spare these ones?" the commander asked.
Roslin shook her head violently. "Please… they ain't the ones that captured me. They saved me! That one-" she pointed at Robb, "-he barely speaks like us but he was kind to me, cared for me injuries. And them others… I don't know what is wrong with them but…" She trailed off before looking at Robb before, in an overly exaggerated manner, she put her hands near here head. "Have… him… take… hood… off."
Robb stared at her dumbly before finally looking at Yondu and used what little of the Old Tongue Maester Luwin had taught him along with some grunts. Yondu repeated make something far more complex than Robb before slowly reaching up and removing his hood, revealing his blue skin and the red structure that ran along his scalp. The Umber men gasped and stepped back, grabbing onto their weapons and Robb tensed, ready for them to attack.
But Roslin, bless her, was already talking, refusing to let them even consider making a move. "I know… the other two, their skin is green. All over. Gave me a fright, it did, when I first saw it! I have a bit of training… there was a woodswitch who was very kind to us in Moletown, showing us how to care for ourselves. I picked up a bit… you can have your maester examine them but they be just like us only 'cept with the odd skin. Can't explain it." She looked at the commander. "The one there-" she pointed at Robb, "-he stumbled on me captors during their nightly… visits." She swallowed again and the commander's face softened.
"You do not need to speak of it," he said softly.
Roslin nodded in thanks. "He freed me. Him and his friends… they ain't like the others. He said he'd take me back home." She swallowed and leaned in close to the commander, Rob barely able to hear her say, "I lied and told'em I was a Lord's daughter… I won't be punished, will I milord? I just wanted to go home and thought if they thought I was someone who meant somethin'… I didn't mean to lie, I was just scared and-"
"You convinced them to help you… I promise you won't be punished for that." Roslin still managed to look terrified and the man took nearly three minutes calming her down, assuring her that not only was she not going to get in trouble but yes, she was free and they would take her home if she wished or she could stay at Last Hearth and recover. Once she was settled the commander considered Robb and the rest before nodding. "They'll have to be in chains and kept with the other prisoners till we get to the bottom of this place… but if they cooperate I swear I won't let harm come to them. None of them are missing ears so they've never been caught South of the Wall and I never heard of raiders with blue or green skin. This is their first time South of the Wall?"
"He said it was," Roslin confirmed.
"Then they can serve as workers to try and earn their freedom."
"Thank ye, milord!" Roslin begged, falling to her knees and pressing her head to his hand. Tears spilled from her eyes as she grabbed at his wrist, trembling so hard one would think she was having a fit. "Thank ya."
"It's… it's alright, girl," the commander said, clearly not used to someone prostrating themselves before him. "You're under my protection."
"Of course, Lord…"
"Umber. Jon Umber. Son of the Greatjon and heir to Last Hearth."
