Disclaimer: I own nothing. The end.
A/N: I think watching my Jess return to me on new episodes inspires me to write more. Though I must admit, I had to resist the urge to follow in my fellow writers' footsteps and write angsty post-6.18 fics. I wanted to, but I just channeled that energy into this chapter. I hope you enjoy it, because as angsty as it is, It was tremendous fun to write. Reviews are cool.
P.S. I waslistening to the song The Luckiest by Ben Folds alot as I wrote this. I don't know if it shows at all, but I was. It's an AMAZING song, and everyone should listen to it. Kthxbye.
Diez
In the history of the world, only one person has ever arrived at Beth Israel Medical Center faster than Jess did, and that person must have been an Olympic track star. Jess attempted to take a cab, but found himself far too impatient for that. He got about ten blocks away from the hospital when he couldn't take it anymore. He tossed a disproportionate amount of money at the cab driver (something that equaled about a 60 tip), and he ran the last ten city blocks.
Yes, he was thin, even though he'd filled out a little since he was a teenager. That in no way, however, meant that he was in shape. He couldn't remember the last time he'd ran for any distance. He started to sweat almost as soon as he started to run. His calves started to ache around the third block. The sharp pain in his stomach arrived soon after, in the late half of block four. By the seventh block, he couldn't breathe anymore, and by the time he ran up to the admittance desk, he couldn't even see because of all the sweat that poured into his eyes.
"Rory Gilmore." These were the only two words he could get out of his lungs before he dropped his head onto the desk and began to take deep, shuddering breaths.
"What about her?" The nurse asked, almost seeming amused.
Jess regained enough breath to look up at her with somewhat pathetic and completely disbelieving eyes. He was still incapable of speaking, so he just stared at her until the nurse began punching things into the computer.
"Do you mean Lorelai Gilmore?" The nurse asked.
Jess nodded, swallowing with great difficulty.
"She isn't out of the operating room yet." The nurse said, responding to Jess's affirmative nod.
Jess's eyes went wide. "Operating room?" He sputtered.
The nurse nodded. "When she's out, she'll be taken to the fifth floor, room 504."
"And she's going to be OK?" Jess demanded. It was the first sentence he'd been able to complete since entering the hospital.
The nurse finally broke her cold mask and looked at Jess with some sympathy. "I don't know." She said, keeping her tone even. "You can go to the fifth floor and wait. Someone there will have more information for you."
Jess nodded. "Point me to the elevator." He commanded, refusing to deal with anymore walking than necessary.
The nurse pointed to her left and Jess shuffled off in that direction, all energy drained from him for the moment. He got into the elevator and slumped against the wall, somehow managing to press the number 5 before he did.
The moment the doors opened again on the fifth floor, Jess regained some of his strength and pushed himself out of the elevator. He walked up to the desk briskly and said, "I'm looking for Rory Gilmore. Lorelai." He corrected himself. "Lorelai Gilmore."
The nurse's mouth formed a small 'O.' "She's not out of the operating room yet." She said, repeated the other nurse's words. "Are you Mr. Mariano?"
Jess nodded and the nurse said, "I thought so. She insisted you be the one we call. She took a nasty fall down a flight of concrete steps at Rand Florin Publishing House."
Jess took in a deep breath. "How hurt is she?"
The nurse hesitated. "She fractured her wrist and sprained her ankle."
Jess caught her hesitance. "Neither of those would send her to the operating room though, would they?"
The nurse awkwardly looked away from Jess's gaze. "You should wait for the doctor." She said. "I'm not authorized to give you any more information."
At that moment, a man wearing pale blue hospital scrubs under a white coat came up to the desk. He handed a few papers to the nurse and said, "The Gilmore woman is all set up in room 504. She's still asking for Jess Mariano. Did you call him?"
"That's me." Jess said quickly, turning his attention to this man who could possibly tell him about Rory. The man was older, with hair that was starting to turn silver at his temples and warm brown eyes that made him seem inherently trustworthy.
"Mr. Mariano, I'm Dr. O'Grady." The man said, extending his hand to Jess. Jess shook it quickly. "I just got out of the operating room with your fiancé."
Jess didn't bother to correct this mistake, especially because he didn't know if Rory had deliberately told that lie to get them to call him.
"Is she OK?" Jess asked, still desperate for information.
Dr. O'Grady sighed. "Ms. Gilmore is going to be just fine. She'll walk with crutches for a week or two, but it'll heal fine, and they're just finishing setting her wrist."
"Then why was she in the operating room?" Jess asked, feeling sick to his stomach. He knew the answer, but needed to hear someone say it.
"Mr. Mariano, it was a bad fall. She fell all the way from the top step of the seventh floor all the way down to the landing of the fifth, and the steps were cement. Apparently, the building's elevator was out of order." Dr. O'Grady explained.
"Doc, just say whatever you're going to say. Stop pulling punches."
Dr. O'Grady nodded. "We had her in the O.R. while we tried to save the baby. We couldn't. Ms. Gilmore miscarried."
Jess closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. It was exactly the answer he knew he was going to hear. "Does she know that yet?"
Dr. O'Grady shook his head. "She's still unconscious. When we put her under, there was still a chance…"
Jess put a hand up to cut him off. "I'm going to tell her."
The doctor looked hesitant, but nodded. "If you're sure that's what you want to do."
Jess nodded. "I'm sure."
Dr. O'Grady said, "This is bound to be a delicate matter, Mr. Mariano."
"I know, and I think it's something better heard from someone she loves." Jess said, trying desperately not to wince at the word love.
"She should be awake soon." Dr. O'Grady said, resigned to the fact that Jess was going to tell his patient about her miscarriage. He pointed in the direction of Rory's room.
"Thanks." Jess said, walking away.
For once, Jess's sense of timing seemed to work in his favor. He stepped into the hospital room and, before he had time to let the sight of Rory pale and frail in a hospital bed affect him, she opened her eyes and looked at him through bleary eyes.
"Jess." Rory whispered hoarsely, sitting up slightly and wincing in pain.
"Hey." Jess said, rushing over to her bedside. He pulled a chair up to her side and sat down. He looked at her hand thoughtfully, but didn't reach out to take it, as was his impulse.
Rory looked at his face for a moment, then down at her fractured wrist. "You don't have to say anything." She whispered. "I can tell. I can tell by that look on your face."
"There is no look on my face." Jess said, silently cursing himself. He'd tried so hard to keep his face neutral.
"Liar." Rory said, still whispering. She sat up a little, wincing. "I can see it on your face. And I can feel it. Or the lack of it. The baby's gone. Say it."
"The baby's gone." Jess said as levelly as he could muster.
A few tears spilled from Rory's eyes and down her cheeks. "It's gone."
"You had a bad fall." Jess said, running his hands over his face as he tried to think of something else to say. Clever, comforting, sweet, sarcastic, encouraging, nothing came. There were no words.
"I was there." Rory responded. "I know. They told me there was a chance that I'd lose the baby. I just…didn't realize how much I didn't want to."
A heavy, painful silence fell between them. Again, Jess had to suppress the urge to take her hand. He wanted so badly to comfort her, but had absolutely no idea what the proper procedure to do that would be.
The heavy moments passed slowly as Rory sniffled and wept. Finally, she swallowed back some more tears and said, "I was going to be a mom. It wasn't supposed to mean this much to me."
Jess lowered his face so Rory couldn't see his humorless smirk. It was painful to hear her say something that he himself remembered saying. It almost made him want to talk to her; tell her his own horror story. The thought of that was scary to him though. Two years, and he had never said any of it out loud before. He looked at Rory as more tears fell down her face, and he could feel his own eyes beginning to burn.
"Oh, fuck it." He said.
Rory looked up at him curiously, as if she'd forgotten he was there. "What?"
Jess again bypassed his instinct to take Rory's hand and stood up. Rory's eyes got wide with fear as she looked at him, thinking he was going to walk out of the room.
"Which ankle is the sprained one?" He demanded.
Rory tilted her head, confused. She lifted the blanket so he could see the bandages around her right ankle.
Jess nodded. "Scoot over to that side."
Rory did as he requested, and as soon as she did, Jess climbed into the bed next to her. He lay down next to her and crossed his feet at the ankle. He took Rory's hand and interlaced their fingers. He squeezed her hand comfortingly and said, "About two years ago, Paige got pregnant."
Rory didn't say anything. She just focused on their hands, taking comfort in the contact. If Jess wanted to talk, then she wasn't going to interrupt.
"She didn't tell me. The night she was going to, we got into a huge fight." Jess continued. "She was mad at me for…God, I don't even remember. She went the next day and had an abortion."
Rory debated for a moment, and then squeezed Jess's hand lightly.
"She told me a few days after." Jess said, "After we'd made up." He sniffed and Rory looked up to see his eyes had glazed over.
"I pretended I didn't care; that it was no big deal." Jess continued. "We never talked about it again. I went back to my apartment that night, and I completely fell apart. I think I cried. I had no idea how I could care so much about something that I didn't even know existed while it was alive."
Rory thought back to when she'd been angrily talking about abortion, and Jess's bad reaction to the topic.
"It still sucks." Jess said definitively, indicating with his tone that the topic was no longer up for discussion. He brushed away the one tear that fell as discreetly as he could.
"Glad I have something to look forward to." Rory replied, yawning and crying at the same time.
"I never told anyone that." Jess said.
Rory sighed deeply and smiled a little. She rested her head on Jess's shoulder. "This sucks." She said, repeating Jess's sentiment.
Jess squeezed her hand. "Told ya so."
"Jess?" Rory asked, her voice lightly muffled against his shoulder.
"Yeah?"
Rory wept against his shoulder for a moment before saying, "I miss my mom."
Jess said nothing, just held her hand and let her cry for a while. Finally, she fell back asleep and Jess slid out of the hospital bed as quietly as he could. Rory shifted a bit, but didn't open her eyes.
Jess walked out of the room and scanned the hallways carefully. Finally, he took the elevator back down to the first floor and saw exactly what he was looking for: a payphone. He deposited some change into the machine and punched in a number he knew by heart, but would pretend he didn't if ever asked.
It rang twice before a voice answered on the other end.
"Hello?" She demanded. She sounded tired in a way he was familiar with: she didn't sound like she just woke up; she sounded like she had given up.
Jess took a breath. "Hi, Lorelai. It's Jess."
"Jess." Lorelai repeated, too defeated to make a quip or pleasantries. "Luke's at the diner."
"Not why I called." Jess said. "It's about Rory."
"What about Rory?" Lorelai demanded, sounding alive finally. "Have you seen her?"
"That's one way to put it." Jess said carefully. "Look, you're not going to like what I have to tell you, so I'm going to skip to the most important part. Rory fell down a flight of stairs at work. She sprained her ankle, fractured her wrist, and lost her baby. Logan's baby." He added quickly. "Not mine."
Lorelai took a deep, shuddering breath, and it wasn't long until Jess could hear that she was crying. "She was pregnant." She managed, amazed.
"Yeah." Jess answered.
"Why are you the one telling me this?" Lorelai demanded.
Jess took another deep breath. "She's been living with me since she ran away."
Jess expected yelling, screaming, cursing of his name both for not telling Luke and for just being him. He winced in expectation, but all Lorelai did was begin to cry harder.
"She needs you, Lorelai." Jess said, feeling even more uncomfortable than he did when Rory cried in front of him. "She's at Beth Israel."
Lorelai sniffed bravely. "I'll be there soon."
"I'll be ready for a fight." Jess said, trying to lighten the situation.
Lorelai hung up without a response.
Lorelai rushed into the lobby of the hospital, looking around with a franticness that the staff hadn't seen….since Jess ran in a few hours earlier. She had her in messy pigtails and her clothes were wrinkled underneath her long winter coat.
"Lorelai." Jess said, standing up from the chair he was sitting in, waiting for her arrival.
Lorelai spun around on her heel, and it was obvious that she'd been crying by the redness and puffiness of her eyes. Jess walked up to her tentatively
"It's been almost two months, and you didn't say a word. She's been with you for two months." Lorelai said.
Jess sighed, not knowing how to answer that. "I'll show you where her room is." He said.
Lorelai shook her head. "Wait for Luke. He'll be in soon. He's parking the car. What's her room number?"
"504."
Lorelai was in the elevator with a quickness that rivaled the speed Jess displayed earlier.
Jess watched the doors close before he sat back down; grateful he'd gotten out of that initial confrontation without getting slapped across the face.
Luke walked into the hospital a few minutes later, and headed directly over to his nephew. "Driving in the city is enough to make a man want to turn Amish." He said.
Jess smirked. "Yeah, it's not even worth it to have a car out here."
The two men looked at each other for a moment before they embraced awkwardly. Luke patted Jess on the back. "Hey."
"Hey." Jess responded, stepping back.
Luke ran a hand over the scruff on his face and said, "She's been with you the whole time."
Jess nodded. "Yup."
Luke sat down on a chair, and Jess sat down next to him. "No one ever accused you of not being able to keep a secret, I guess."
Jess shrugged. "I thought about calling a couple times. I couldn't let her down though."
Luke leaned back against his chair and said, "I thought about asking you if you'd seen her. I thought I remembered you mentioning her. Maybe…maybe I just didn't want to ask."
"She was so afraid to go back to her mom, to her life." Jess said.
"Hit a little close to home?" Luke asked. The two men were making it a point to stare straight ahead as they spoke to each other, never making eye contact.
"I guess." Jess said. "Running away was a big part of my life for a while."
"Not anymore?" Luke demanded, arms crossed across his chest.
Jess smirked. "Well, I'm working on it." He conceded.
"It's been too long, kid." Luke said.
"Yeah." Jess agreed. "How's the kid?"
"William's good." Luke said, grinning. "He's three now. He's with Sookie while we're up here. He's so smart."
Jess nodded and smiled at the pride in Luke's voice.
"How's the book?" Luke asked.
"Almost done." Jess responded. "But my editor's having some…personal issues."
Luke and Jess sat in silence for a long time before Luke asked the question they'd been avoiding since he walked in. "How is she?"
"Having the worst month of her life." Jess said. "I didn't think she was ever going to be OK again when she came to me. She's strong though."
"Yes." Luke agreed. "She certainly is."
"Then she finds out she's pregnant with Richie Rich's kid, and it was like…"
"Two steps forward, ten steps back." Luke finished for him.
"So she learns to deal with the fact that she's gonna have a kid, Hell, she even gets a little excited about it. Then, she fucking loses the baby." Jess said, setting his jaw angrily. "What the Hell did she do to deserve this?"
"I dunno." Luke responded, turning to face his nephew. "But she's lucky in one way."
"Chuck Palahniuk has the room next to her?" Jess asked sarcastically.
"I have no idea who that is." Luke said. "But she's got a damn good friend waiting in the lobby."
Jess smiled weakly. "I just wish there was something else I could do. Being her friend doesn't seem to be doing much good."
If ever there was a sight that could send Lorelai to an early grave, it was her daughter lying in a hospital bed. She was fast asleep with her hair fanned out behind her head. She was paler than usual, and her arm was in a cast.
Lorelai sat down next to her daughter's bed and felt her lip start to quiver as tears filled her eyes. Was this all her fault? Had she pushed Rory so far out of her life that the only person she could go to was…Jess? Where had she gone so wrong that Rory would seek comfort in Jess before her?
She'd been pregnant. Rory had been pregnant. Her baby had a baby growing inside her. She'd been pregnant, and Lorelai hadn't even known about it. She'd hurt Rory so much with her hateful, selfish comments about Logan that Rory couldn't even bring herself to tell her mother that she was alone, scared, and pregnant.
Well, scared and pregnant anyway. Not so much alone. She had Jess. She had Jess. She'd been with him the whole time she was gone. What on Earth was that about? Jess. Of all the people in the world, she'd ran to Jess. She'd gone to the boy who broke her heart in high school and said, "Save me, please." Why would she do that? How could she do that?
It wasn't as though Lorelai didn't remember what it was like to run away. She had her own experiences with that. But she'd ran alone. She didn't ask anyone for help. And she'd told her mother where she was. Rory didn't do that. Rory said, "Stop worrying. Stop calling people and asking where I am." But at no point did she even tell her where she was staying.
Hadn't Rory done exactly what Lorelai wanted her to? Didn't she go back to school, even after that ridiculous and unnecessary year she'd taken off? Hadn't she gotten a job that she liked, even if it wasn't in the field she'd always dreamed of? Wasn't she going to marry the man she loved and start a family with him, even if he was an ass? Why hadn't any of that been enough for her? Why couldn't she be happy with Rory's life? Why couldn't she have tried harder to repair her relationship with her daughter when she still could? Why was she so selfish and stubborn that she lied to herself by pretending she didn't care about her deteriorating relationship with her daughter?
Lorelai took her sleeping daughter's hand in her own and let the tears fall quietly. Why hadn't she been a better mother? Why had her hurt pride meant so much to her when right now, it meant absolutely nothing?
Rory shifted positions waking up slightly, squeezing Jess's hand lightly before beginning to drift again. Then, all of a sudden, she was wide awake. That wasn't Jess's hand holding on to hers. It was too soft, too feminine, too much like…
"Mom." Rory said, not opening her eyes.
"Rory." Lorelai mimicked, sniffing.
A tear ran down Rory's face and she opened her eyes to look at her mother, who was by this point an emotional wreck.
"The other day, I was walking to work, and there was a woman in bright pink leg warmers singing a Bangles song." Rory announced after a moment of silence.
Lorelai let out something between a sob and a laugh. "Walk Like An Egyptian?" She asked.
Rory nodded solemnly and Lorelai shook her head. "Amateur."
"I wanted to call you." Rory said.
"I wanted you to call." Lorelai said, gripping her daughter's hand tightly.
"I screwed up." Rory said, melancholy.
"I screwed up more." Lorelai argued.
Tears fell down Rory's pale face. "Call it even?"
"Yeah." Lorelai said, trying to control her sobs. Rory moved over to one side of the bed and her mother immediately crawled into it next to her. She put an arm around her daughter and Rory burrowed into her mother's side, crying uncontrollably.
"I was supposed to be a mom." Rory said. "Now I'm not going to be."
Lorelai petted her daughter's hair gently, letting her cry.
"I was supposed to be a wife too. I didn't get that either."
"Yet." Lorelai said softly. "Babe, when it's right, everything will fall into place and you will be a wife and mother."
"What did I do to deserve all this?" Rory moaned.
Lorelai smiled, but there was no humor in it. "I don't know, babe. I don't know."
"Thank God I've had Jess." Rory murmured, still crying.
"Yeah, thank God for Jess." Lorelai said, surprised by the fact that she almost meant it.
