A/N: I ignored a 100 point assignment to do this for you *skull emoji* enjoy!
My thoughts were staggering, warring tidal waves of exhaustion and panic.
I didn't sleep, or close my eyes, so Wolf left me alone, but—Crawley. Crawley. Crawley.
Dark hair would do nothing to prevent him from recognizing me. He was coming after me. MI6 knew where I was, and was coming after me. Even drugged, even confused and scared and tired, I knew that much, and I knew what it meant.
I felt reality spiraling, collapsing, and with it went my awareness and my alertness. Wolf must have felt me sag, because he alerted Snake, and Snake tapped my face. "Cub? Wake up. Talk to me. What's goin' on?"
But I didn't know how to respond. Snake didn't know. How much did Wolf know?
"…please," I eventually said, my words sounding far away. "Don' let'im…"
"Don't let who do what?" He paused, and when I didn't answer, said quietly, "We're almost there, I'm just going to tell the others to come meet us with the car. Lion's sober, he's driving, and Eagle has Fox on lockdown. We'll get a cab and book a hotel near 'em, I'm not leaving when I don't know if he's okay."
"Okay. We'll do that. What about Evie and the other one?"
"Eagle's fine, he's going to drive Evie back once we get Fox, and Bella drove herself, I believe. I don't think she drank. Cub, talk to me. Ye're freakin' us out a little, lad."
It took me a moment to realize what he'd said, but then I blinked, and looked at him. I was still dizzy and weak, confused and not entirely sure of what was going on, but I looked at him and planned my words, and said the clearest thing I'd said all night.
"Please don't let them take me back," I said, and my chest started heaving at the thought that Crawley was going to turn his car around, come back, and flash his badge, and Q and whoever else would come back and they'd take me back, and oh my God, oh my God they found me, they knew me, they were coming after me—
"Cub—Cub! Calm fucking down," Wolf said about me, squeezing my shoulder. I turned to look at him, panic in my unfocused eyes. His eyes found mine, and they held steel and iron. "No one is taking you. We're taking you home. Nobody's going to lay a hand on you. Okay?"
And though I believed him, though I knew he was telling the truth, though I trusted Wolf, I said, "Nobody…c'n stop 'em."
"Well, we've been known to break a lot of records," Snake said decisively. I heard a car pull up, and I felt myself tense, my mind screaming to run while my body was unable to do so, and I was dizzy with the contradiction and the panic. "It's alright, lad. It's just Lion and the others."
And soon, a car stopped beside us, and I heard Lion's voice. It was the roughest, most stringent order he'd ever given. "Give him to me."
Wolf didn't say anything. That was surprising. I felt upended as I was passed from one person to another, and soon, Lion was sitting on the edge of the opened car, one of my feet wedged in the car and one of them in the snow as he assessed. "Alex. Alex, look at me."
I did, blinking up at him. His eyes were dark with worry and his hands were shaky.
"Don't let them…take me," I begged again, adamant that he knew.
Lion blinked, and his eyes became somehow darker. Somehow wilder, and steadier, all at once. "I won't." He looked up at Snake and Wolf, and I heard crunching footsteps come around the car. I tensed up until I saw Tiger and Bear in my periphery. "What the fuck happened?"
Oh. Lion sounded weird. Harsher than normal.
Snake said something, I heard "bathroom" and "drink", but that was out. Something about twenty-five minutes. Had I been gone that long? It didn't feel that long. Something else about tracking my phone—oh, I was glad I'd had that, then. I'd almost left it in my jacket. Something about how scared I was, how something I'd seen had freaked me out. How I wasn't conscious of much and I was pretty confused, exhausted, and had a slow heart rate. Signs of an overdose, but he wasn't sure if it was that serious since I was still awake and breathing fine. He said since I was small, they may have overestimated the dose to give me.
Hm. I wasn't that small.
"…and he said the people who took him were using code names," Wolf picked up. I saw him rolling his shoulders in my periphery. I didn't think I was that heavy. Maybe he was carrying me for longer than I thought. "Q and C. We don't have identities yet, but he started…well, saying what he just did, and panicking. 'Don't let them take me back,' and all that."
There was a long pause. I blinked. Bear came over, and I blinked up at him. He looked angry.
"You know who he meant," Lion said. It wasn't a question.
"…I think so."
Lion let out a frustrated breath, tightening his hands on me. My head fell against his shoulder. I was still cold. "Fuck. Fuck. And we don't have identities."
Wait, yes we did. On one of them, at least. I had to tell them about Crawley. Something in me reminded me that it was a secret, that I had to keep it a secret. It was an important secret.
"…name," I said thickly, blinking heavily again. I blinked a lot. "Secret."
Lion went very still, and locked eyes with someone above me. He took a second, and said, lifting my head a little bit, "You know who it is, but you want it to be a secret?"
"…one." I didn't know who all of them were. "Craw…ley. Nice, but…bad." I felt the need to include that while I was pretty sure he'd always been nice to me, nicer to me than the others, he was dangerous.
"Fuck. Okay. Okay. Well, there's nothing to do about it now. Bear, do you think he needs a hospital?"
I opened my mouth to say no hospitals, but my teeth started chattering too badly. Cold. Bloody cold. I still didn't like it.
"His pupils are blown wide, but Snake's right, his breathing is fine." Bear peeled back one of my eyelids. When had I closed them again? "He's conscious, too. If I had to guess, the slowed heart rate is a combination of a sedative and the cold. Once we get him warmer, that should even back out, but if it doesn't, we're taking him straight in. I have some Narcan at home just in case. Alex? Look at me. Does your stomach hurt?"
I blinked, surprised that I was being addressed again. I was content to lay here and float while they talked around me. "Hm?"
"I need you to tell me if your stomach hurts," he repeated, kneeling in the snow beside me as I blinked him into focus. That wasn't good. His knees were going to get cold.
"…cold," I managed.
"I know you're cold, I'm sorry," Bear said, flicking his eyes up to meet Lion's. "Tell me about your stomach. Does it hurt?"
"Mm…a little," I whispered slowly. "Scared." I didn't think it hurt because of whatever I drank. Well, maybe a little, but the nausea was more what I felt when I was in danger, or anxious. I thought, anyway. Thinking was getting really hard.
"…okay. You're doing great, Alex. We're gonna get you home in no time."
"We're getting a hotel a couple miles or so from you," Wolf's voice said. "We can come over tonight or in the morning—"
"No," Lion said decisively, still sounding a lot harsher than normal. He stood, and I got dizzy, humming in discomfort, but I was ignored. "You tell Fox that if he comes within a mile of my fucking flat before he sobers up, I'll kick his arse, you understand me?"
A pause. "Hold on just a bloody minute, you prick—" Wolf.
"I'll take care of it," Snake said. Meeker, but rigid. Uncompromising. "Ye take care of him. We'll come tomorrow morning when Fox is sober."
"Fine." Lion.
The next thing I knew, I was being loaded into a car, in the backseat where I was stretched out. Bear, even tall as he was, was compacted into the footwell, kneeling over me. His fingers were steady on my neck's pulse point, eyes worried. I closed my eyes, and he didn't like that. "Stay awake for me, Alex. Talk to me."
"Dizzy," I complained, unwilling to open my eyes. It had gotten a lot worse now that I was somehow moving, but also still.
"I know, I'm sorry," he said quietly. "We'll be home soon. Turn the heat up some more."
I tried to respond that I didn't know how to do that, but then another voice responded, and I was very grateful he wasn't talking to me.
"…Bear?" I said uncertainly. I couldn't remember if it was Bear or Lion leaning over me.
"Yep. Right here, mate."
"M'tired."
"I know. Just try to—Alex? Alex, open your—Alex, open your eyes right fucking now, mate—"
But I couldn't. I'd been sleepy for a long time, and I was exhausted. And now that I was finally done shivering, I felt like I was safe to sleep. Lion said he wouldn't let anyone take me. Tiger and Bear wouldn't either. I could sleep.
I slipped under.
…
"Well, maybe if you'd kept your fucking head in the first place—"
"What the hell? Don't you dare pin this on me, prat, nobody saw this coming! You're the one who left in the middle of the night—"
"And you're the reason I left! We all know people are after him, why'd you let him out of your fucking sight?"
"…that's a little much, Lion, come on. We didn't know anything was going to happen."
Angry, hushed voices woke me at some ungodly hour, and the first thing that made itself known was the horrible headache pulsing in my temples. I winced, rubbing at the sides of my head, wondering why the hell I was so thirsty. I couldn't remember much of the night before—flashes here and there, but…everything was covered in a thick haze. I hadn't drunk. Had I? I couldn't imagine myself drinking, especially not after Fox's warning, but I didn't know how else to explain the obvious hangover.
"He's asleep two doors away, can you keep it down?" I heard Bear say, sounding worn out.
Was he talking about me? What had happened last night? I remembered getting to the club, Lion leaving because Fox made him uncomfortable, the obnoxious woman, the bit of soul-searching in the alley…but after that, it was mostly blank. There were flashes of cacophonous white noise and too-tight hands and needles, a voice in my ear and cool fingers on my throat, but I couldn't make out what they meant.
I yawned and winced again. God, I was dehydrated. I supposed that was part of the horrible headache. What the hell had I done?
I blinked again, looking down to find myself in Lion's hoodie. I felt myself brush brilliant crimson when I realized my jeans were gone and had been replaced with sweatpants, and my polo and undershirt were gone. Despite that, I was ridiculously warm. Someone had put a couple extra blankets on top of the comforter, and it was almost stifling.
If something had happened last night to the point that they'd had to undress me and I didn't even remember, I didn't know if I wanted to know.
I noticed that the warring voices in the living room were hushed now, but not gone, and the undercurrent of stark animosity was still startlingly present. I furrowed my brow, wondering what was going on. I'd thought Fox and Lion were actually getting better. Well, I supposed last night hadn't helped…but had something else happened?
I put my feet on the carpeted floor and stood, but that turned out to be a horrible mistake. Nausea with the strength of a tidal wave knocked me right back on my arse, and my legs shook.
My heart skipped a beat. I'd never really drunk more than a few sips of anything, and I'd definitely never been hungover, but…I wasn't sure if this was what it was supposed to feel like. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to feel this weak. And had I even drunk?
I took a second to collect myself, trying to ignore the pulsing pain and the bickering from the living room, and tried again. I was marginally more successful. I managed to stagger to the door and into the hallway, yawning again.
"What the hell," I muttered as I got to the doorway of the living room, looking around. All seven of the guys were tense, focused on the argument between Fox and Lion, who were standing nose to nose in the foyer—Snake was bravely set between them, and Bear was on the side ready to jump in—but all noise ceased at my approach, and I suddenly felt trapped under the weight of their gazes.
"Cub," Eagle said, his voice tense with something like relief. I blinked, squinting at him, the lights far too bright for this hell of a headache. "Are you…okay?"
"Um…I feel awful," I said candidly, rubbing my eyes and stumbling to the kitchen. "I've never been so thirsty."
I heard silence from the living room as I filled a glass with tap water and drank the whole thing, but it didn't even put a dent in my thirst. I did it again before refilling the glass a third time and stumbling back towards the living room, still weak. I leaned against the doorjamb and took another sip, grimacing at the nausea and the metallic taste of the water.
"What happened?" I rasped thickly, pushing the hair off my forehead to look at them. I squinted into the brightness of late morning sun, wondering how I'd managed to sleep so late. "Why're you fighting again?"
I was met with seven more or less blank faces. Well, that didn't help my nerves.
"…you don't remember?" Snake asked, eyes drawn in concern.
"Not much," I admitted, getting a little uneasy. They were never like this. Never so obviously skirting around the truth, about whatever this was. "I…um, I remember Fox and Lion's thing, Lion stepping out, and then playing pool—"
"What's the last thing you remember?" Wolf interrupted.
I blinked at the abrupt question, my mind moving like molasses. "I stepped out to get some air, I think. I was getting a little claustrophobic, and some girl wouldn't leave me alone…okay, seriously, I don't know what's going on," I said again, getting antsy. I looked at Lion, who was looking at me like he'd seen a ghost. Lion was usually so good about controlling his emotions, I didn't—this was starting to worry me. "Why are you all looking at me like that?"
There were a few seconds of silence before Bear scrubbed a hand over his head, sighing. He took my shoulders and looked at me, and I felt my heart start beating quickly. He looked serious. Serious like…like when he thought Ian hurt me, like when I woke up half-dead on his couch, serious.
"First of all, I want you to know that nothing happened," he said sternly, holding eye contact. "Nothing happened at all. You're safe, and everything's going to be fine."
"Um…okay," I said, setting the water glass on the counter as my hands started to shake. "I thought…did I drink? I didn't think I was going to, but I can't remember…"
"You drank Coke the whole night," Bear confirmed, eyes darkening at my confused expression. That's what I figured. So why couldn't I remember? "We're almost positive someone put something in your drink. Snake and I think it was a roofie—Rohypnol. The people who took you were using code names; letters of the alphabet, from what you told us—and one of them you recognized as someone named Crawley. But you're safe, and nothing happened," he reiterated slowly.
Crawley.
Crawley.
A memory tickled my consciousness, a tease of an image—Crawley in the front seat of a car, looking at me. A frozen moment in the frozen air of our eyes locking even as he passed by in a car, while Wolf carried me, and we both saw and understood exactly who the other was.
If Crawley knew where I was, that meant MI6 knew where I was. If they'd been using code names and Crawley was on standby, they could take me at any time. If they hadn't doubled back last night to take me for sure, they were biding their time or creating a new plan.
I was as good as gone.
I flinched, the need to run suddenly more powerful than it had been since I got the note from the assassin.
"Don't even think about it," Lion said before I or anyone else could say a word, and I jerked my eyes to him. I stared at him for a long minute, waiting for the knowledge, the feelings, the horror to make sense. Bear didn't move, still held my shoulders with strong hands, and maybe he knew that was what I needed, because it was grounding me. I blinked, and fuzzy memories started coming back—the fear, the blurred faces of a man and woman leading me into the cold, the feeling of weakness…
"…but I—"
"No," Lion said decisively. He was replacing Lion holding my shoulders before I could even process him moving—the movement made me sway, still dizzy, but he just held my shoulders tighter. "You're not running from this. You're not running from us. If we need to move you elsewhere until this is sorted, fine, but you're not running by yourself, not again. Understand?"
"But they're going to come after me again," I argued, my voice much smaller than I'd planned. I looked at Lion, because I couldn't look away. I didn't want to look at the others, watching so carefully. "If it's Crawley, then they know where I am and exactly who I am, Matthew or Alex. They know everything and they've been letting me live while they've been planning. This was one of many options, I'm certain of that. If I don't go now—"
"You. Are not. Running by yourself again." Fox surprised me from the back, eyes much sharper than I expected for someone with a killer hangover.
I looked down. I couldn't—this was all too much, happening too fast.
They were coming for me. I was sure they'd find a way to take me. Before that…I had to decide how I could keep them safe. That was something to focus on. It gave me enough presence to push the panic and fear and anger away, the desperation humming in perfect sync with the resignation, at least long enough to get through this conversation.
"…did I say anything?" I settled on, not looking at Lion. I looked at my feet, clad in soft socks. "That you didn't already know. Besides that his name was Crawley."
The words were hesitant and small, because on top of everything else going wrong, if I'd…if I'd slipped and said something and ruined what I'd been given here like that…I'd never forgive myself.
For a moment, there was silence, and I thought for once I'd escaped unscathed.
Wolf cleared his throat. "You said something to me. But it was about our assignment together; it was something I didn't know, but nothing compromising."
That…was manageable. I couldn't remember what I'd said, but I didn't want to ask in public.
"That's all I said, right?" I asked, shaking fingers reaching up to encircle Lion's wrist. His pulse was steady. I looked at him, surprised by how steady my voice was, and let quiet desperation bleed into my eyes, if not my words. "That's all I said."
He squeezed my shoulder, not looking happy, but looking as comforting as he could with everything going on, I supposed. "That's all you said."
I breathed, then, and let it out shakily, rubbing my eyes. "Okay. I—okay. That's fine. That's…shit. Okay."
I moved out of his reach and grabbed the glass, draining it again, and took it to the sink. I bought myself a couple seconds alone in the kitchen, at least.
There was no question that MI6 had found me, and I would be back with them soon.
I almost threw up into the sink when that thought formed in its entirety. What would they do, since I'd run from them? Who would they threaten? Lion, Tiger, Wolf? Would they go so far as to threaten Evie, or Angelica? Would they threaten the units as a whole with some God-awful suicide mission? Would they hold Jonah's future over my head, or Mahika and Jessie's citizenship and immigrant status? Would they be forced back to India, where they had nothing and no one, to live in squalor and die the same?
With each thought, my shoulders sank as though I could physically feel the weight being piled onto my back. I hadn't felt this kind of weight in months.
It was a twisted as it was familiar.
I knew, as I stared into the stainless steel sink where I'd wished dishes and learned to cook and laughed and made coffee and learned how to be alive again that no matter who or what they threatened me with, I would give in, because that was how I'd been conditioned. I was never as important as the people around me, and this time would be no exception.
I faltered, slamming my hands to the sink to catch myself as my knees gave a bit, and took a breath.
"Alex?" Tiger's voice. He'd followed me.
"I'm fine," I said, not turning around. "I'm fine."
"The more you say it, the less I believe you," he said, taking the glass from my trembling fingers and putting it on the counter, leaning his hip against it to look at me. I had myself braced against the sink, knuckles white as memories threatened to resurface. "What can we do?"
I smiled then, twisted and sardonic and so, so bleak. "Nothing."
He paused. He sounded much calmer than last night. "Not if we don't know our options, yeah."
"No. No one can do anything about it. Not even you."
I breathed, slow and meticulous, and looked at him. His face was impassive, no trace of his earlier anger, and I knew it was for my sake. I knew from the way his arms were crossed and his fists were clenched that he was mad. I knew logically that it probably wasn't at me, but I couldn't help the way I cringed a little at the carefully blank look in his eyes.
He noticed, and sighed, dragging a hand down his pale face. His posture finally relaxed. "I'm not mad at you."
I didn't look at him, but I nodded. "I know. I just—I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I'm sorry that I don't know how to fix this, and I'm sorry that I don't—I—"
"I'm gonna hit you," he warned, thwacking me lightly on the head. "Don't say stupid things. Unless you put the drug in your own drink and recruited two strangers to drag you into the snow, you haven't done anything wrong. Clear?"
Hesitantly, I nodded, still staring at the sink, because I knew that was what he wanted. I knew he wouldn't let it go until I agreed, so I decided to bite the bullet.
"We can't help you if you don't let us," he reminded quietly at my prolonged silence.
I screwed my eyes shut. I couldn't explain to them that I was past the point of help. This entire fucked situation was past the point of redemption, and now I just had to decide the easiest way to let them down, and to let myself down. I had to decide what I wanted to sacrifice—myself, them, or everything else.
Letting any of them or their families be harmed wasn't on the table. I could only think of four options.
1: I could turn myself into MI6 and give into their every demand in hopes that they left everyone else in my life alone. I wondered how long I'd survive, and what they'd do to me before they finally let me go, in uselessness or in death.
2: I could take my family's offer and let them help me. I wondered how far they'd make it, and I wondered how many of them would be systematically picked off to facilitate my recruitment again. I wondered how many they'd go through before I finally gave in.
3: I could run. I could. I could leave everything behind and start over somewhere else and hope they never found me. Maybe I'd make it long enough that they'd lose interest. I'd lose these people forever, though, and I didn't know if that was any better than suicide.
4: I could kill myself.
I blinked into the sink as the impossibility of these choices hit me.
And for a while, I thought I really might have a future.
"…okay," I said.
Tiger paused, face pinching the slightest bit in confusion. "Okay?"
"Okay."
I could tell Tiger didn't know what I meant, so he just filled my glass with orange juice instead of water, turning back to me once he was in the doorway. "Come sit down. We'll figure it out."
I acquiesced, following him to the living room. They'd dragged in chairs from the kitchen table, but they'd left a corner of the couch open, and I collapsed into it. Lion finally left the foyer and sat beside me, looking tired.
"Give me a minute to think," I requested when the thick silence became overpowering, sipping slowly at the orange juice. It was a little more on my stomach than the water, and the nausea still hadn't abated.
"While you're thinking, how do you feel?" Bear asked after a minute, sounding hesitant to interrupt. I looked sluggishly at him, staggering under the weight of the impossible choices before me. "We changed your clothes because you were soaking wet and freezing, but your fingers and toes may feel a little stiff. I monitored you for most of the night; we were worried about the drug interacting with your other medications, but you weren't showing any distressing symptoms. What are your symptoms now?"
That was easy enough. I could answer that. Good thing I wasn't actually taking my other medications. "Um…weakness, lack of coordination. Nausea. Headache. Extremities feel fine."
"Textbook symptoms of a Rohypnol hangover," Snake said. "Memory loss is almost a guarantee, too. Ye should feel better by tomorrow. If ye don't, tell someone." His voice was quiet, like normal, but his eyes were dark, the only outward sign of his unease.
"Okay," I acknowledged.
Silence descended again.
I looked up, and something caught my eye—the wilting plant I'd grown so used to. The tellie that looked like it was going to fall to shambles, the living room I'd come to think of, reluctantly, as my own. I thought of a simple silver key, heavy on my nightstand, that meant home. I glanced towards the back hallway towards Elliot's room, my room, and to the kitchen where I cooked and laughed when I burned things, where Lion taught me how to do it right.
I thought of the coffee shop down the street where Tiger trusted me with memories of his dead best friend, where we grew to overcome our differences and become friends and family. I thought of Bear and the bathroom that first night and how he'd accepted my brokenness and my nightmares and me, and how he'd trusted me around the kids at the youth center and looked so proud of me when I got through to Jessie.
I thought of Fox. After everything, he knew a lot too, and he stayed anyways. And no matter how he disagreed with me, he kept my secrets at every turn, and he never betrayed that trust. He made mistakes, but he was always there.
I thought of Wolf and Snake and Eagle, who weren't family but were undoubtedly friends, friends I trusted. I thought of their flat where I'd learned to trust them and rely on them, where we'd put our past behind us. Where they'd opened up to me about their lives, where I'd hesitantly done a bit of the same, and where I'd learned that…that not everyone was out to get me. That maybe I could have what I thought I couldn't—friends, and family.
Doubt had stuck around for a long time. But last night, I'd been unconscious, vulnerable, and completely helpless for several hours, and if there was anything left to worry about, I wouldn't be here.
They brought me back, got me warm, and sat beside me all night.
I looked around and looked at how angry they were, how uncertain and careful, and it was because someone tried to hurt me. Alan Blunt was usually unconcerned by my injuries, save the gunshot, and that was just because it put me out of commission. Joe Byrne was upset, but he didn't do anything about me or my situation. Neither did RAW, or the ASIS. They kept putting me back into horrible situations and giving me more trauma, more nightmares, more waking moments of terror and panic. They kept letting me be broken, again, and again, and again, and again.
I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that not a single person in this room would ever do that to me, so at this point…and with the end on the horizon…my worry was unjustified.
Maybe with this, at least, it would be a parting gift. An explanation of exactly who I was and why I couldn't afford to stay.
Some kind of consolation both for them, and for me—for them, an explanation, and for me, an end to the lies. Most of them, at least.
"I'm tired," I said quietly. "I'm tired." I put the glass on the floor, putting my head in my hands and taking a shuddering breath. "Secrets are so heavy, and I'm exhausted."
No one spoke. Precarious silence teetered on the edge of overwhelming tension, on the edges of surprise and relief, and I couldn't think about it. I couldn't think about saying it all. If I did, I'd stop, even with the knowledge that this would be my last chance.
"Can I, uh…" I said hesitantly, unsure of how to ask such a huge question. Despite my resolution, I was still unsure, still scared of their reactions, still scared to admit everything I'd been keeping so tightly hidden, so rigidly locked away from them.
But it was now or never, and never was approaching quickly.
Can I tell you why I'm broken and damaged and constantly on the verge of shattering beyond repair? Can I tell you the reason why I'm so clingy, why I value this so much, why I don't want any of you to ever leave me, why I'll fall apart if you do? Can I tell you about all the nightmares spinning in my head, can I tell you all the horrible things I've seen and done, can I tell you about all the people who've come and gone and told me they'd help me and left me for dead? Can I tell you about all the people who hurt me? Can I tell you about all the people I've killed?
Can I tell you why I don't like the dark, why I don't like sharks or jellyfish or planes or doctors or guns? Can I tell you why I hate small spaces, why the sight of the Royal & General Bank freezes my blood? Can I tell you about the bright white spot on the sidewalk just in front of it where they painted over my bloodstain? Can I tell you about how my godfather killed my parents and he was going to kill me and Ben killed him, that Yassen killed my uncle and guardian and the only member of my family I ever knew and then saved me only to die and send me somewhere horrible because he thought it was the right thing to do, can I tell you about Sabina and how amazing she was and can I tell you about Jack and how I had to watch—
I breathed.
"…can I tell you why I'm hiding?" I asked quietly to the carpet.
Silence. More silence, even after so much today. I didn't look up. I felt my leg shaking, tapping quickly on the carpeted floor, but I didn't raise my head and I didn't look, because I couldn't.
A big, familiar hand skimmed over my hair and squeezed the back of my neck in comfort, then settled on my back. Lion. Of course, it was Lion. It was always Lion. "You know you can, Alex."
I smiled at the ground, because he was right. I knew I could.
I looked at Lion. His hand was still on my back, and he didn't look like he had any intention of moving it, of leaving me alone to recount the atrocities I'd stockpiled in just two years. He was there, and I was reminded of how he was when I told him I wanted to die. When I told him I wanted to end my life because I couldn't bear the weight of these secrets anymore.
Ice in his tone and iron in his posture painted the picture of an unmovable force of tempered steel, and I selfishly wished for that shield, and for some reason, it was being given to me for free.
Instead of letting my secrets slowly crush me, as I had been for so long, I unloaded them, and shared them, and…I let the others see me. For the first time, and the last.
I looked down, breathed, and began.
A/N: I have been waiting. So. Long. For this chapter. It has been written for AGES. And I am SO HAPPY with it.
…I also just realized I literally have 262,000 words of exposition, and…holy shit…
Now, I do want to clear something up—no age reveal yet. Alex knows he can't stay in the SAS after that, and he's not ready for that. I hope you enjoy anyways :D
Also pls don't be mad at Lion he's just so scared for Alex and it's clouding all his actions X'D
Also I'm so sorry XD I'm so sorry omg I'm so angry with myself but OMG THE PLOT THICKENS I AM SO EXCITED MUAHAHAHHAAHA LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND DISTINGUISHED NONBINARY INDIVIDUALS IT IS ABOUT TO GO FROM 0 TO FUCKING 160 YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S ABOUT TO COME CRASHING DOWN HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Anyways. Thanks for all the comments! Ily! : otterpineapple06, Asilrettor, storyspinner16, Cirque de la Folie, FreshSoapySoap, MillieM04, MistyToryRabiyah, Guest, Guest, jhalverson2047, Guest, and Cakemania225!
Freshsoapysoap: lol thank you!
Guest (I've already reread…): Hahaha well here's something new! Thanks!
Guest (This chapter was such…): Thank you so much!
Guest (Oh my gosh 3x): Ahhhhh thanks so much I'm excited too!
…
See you soon you sexy motherfuckers
