Title:
Ashamed
Part: V
Author: Elizabeth Goode
Disclaimer: Don't
sue me. I have no money.
Clark let his body relax, thinking about his parents' words. They had provided comfort in his grief, even though they had not approved of his relationship with Alicia. Their explanation of their disapproval made sense to him, and while his heart still railed at the unfairness of it, he now understood why, from a parent's point of view, the relationship had been a source of concern. For some reason, whenever something traumatic or upsetting happened, he found comfort in sleeping on the couch. Alicia's death had left him feeling shocked, horrified, bereaved, fearful, guilty, and angry, all at the same time. He hadn't felt much like eating or sleeping or really even anything else since it had happened, and every time he closed his eyes, he saw Alicia hanging there, her still-warm body swaying at the end of a rope. He felt a soft, motherly hand brush against his forehead, and he opened his eyes.
Martha Kent stood over him, dressed in flannel pajamas and a faded pink robe.
"Mom?"
"Clark, baby - I didn't mean to wake you, I was just checking on you. You've been asleep for three hours."
He stretched. He didn't remember falling asleep, but he realized that he must have, because it was dark outside, and the clock on the wall read ten after midnight.
"You didn't wake me up, Mom. I was - thinking."
"About Alicia?"
He nodded, trying to ignore the sick feeling that still hit him when he thought about what had happened. "I'm sorry about all the bad stuff I did with - with Alicia. I didn't do it to - to worry you and Dad, or to upset Lana."
Clark sat up, making room for his mother to sit down next to him.
"I know. Your father and I both know that you wouldn't do anything to worry us on purpose, and that you're not the kind of mean-spirited person who would do something to upset a friend. Would you believe that in our younger years, your father and I caused our parents a good bit of worry? It's what teenagers do, Clark - no matter what planet they're from."
Had Clark been less emotionally fragile, he might have been embarrassed at how much he needed his parents' support and affection, but as things were, his need for comfort by far outweighed any desire to maintain his teenage dignity. He accepted his mother's hug gratefully.
"I love you, Mom."
She squeezed him tighter. "I love you, too. You were the answer to a prayer for me - no child could have been more wanted, needed, and welcome than you were to us. You've made me proud. You were a sweet toddler, and a good child. You've grown into a thoughtful, considerate, young man."
The sadness that weighed on his soul didn't exactly go away, but it did lift a little bit.
"Do you think you'll be ready to go back to school this week? You've already missed three days."
The idea of going back to school made the sick feeling return full-force. Could he hear Alicia's name without bursting into tears? Could he take the stares and the whispering? Would anyone talk to him, or would he have to eat lunch alone?
His mother must have seen his panic, because she began to gently rub his back. "Never mind. You don't have to go back until you're ready. I promise you. Your father has already agreed to go and have a talk with the principal tomorrow morning. He's going to see if they'll let Chloe bring you your homework so you don't fall too much behind. Chloe has called several times and come over twice - you weren't ready to see anyone yet, but she wanted you to know that she was thinking of you."
Knowing that Chloe had called made him feel slightly less awful. She hadn't approved of Alicia, but that she had checked on him anyway almost brought tears to his eyes.
"Did - did anyone else - ?"
"Lex called while you were asleep - he hadn't heard what happened until then, and he wanted to know if you needed anything. I told him you weren't seeing anyone yet, but that I would tell you he called. Lois called the day after everything happened, wanting to know how you were holding up. She said she'd find out from Chloe when you were up to having visitors."
"Pete? Has Pete called?"
His mother sighed. "Not yet, sweetheart. Maybe Chloe hasn't told him yet."
Clark sighed dejectedly. Pete wasn't going to call. For all he knew, Pete would probably think that Alicia had deserved to die. If Pete had been here, he would have been angry with Clark for giving her a second chance, just like everyone else was. He didn't ask about Lana. He knew that she would not have called or have stopped by. He could understand that she was uncomfortable around Alicia when she was alive, but she had to understand that in death Alicia was no kind of threat to anyone. No one except Clark, his memory, and his conscience. 'Me, myself, and I,' he though bitterly.
"Do you want to stay here on the couch?"
He was startled out of his thoughts by his mother's voice. He really didn't want to go to his room. The couch was so comfortable, and his bedroom seemed too far away, which he knew was ridiculous given that he could run to Las Vegas in a matter of seconds.
"Yeah."
She ruffled his hair affectionately and planted a motherly kiss on his forehead. "Good night, Clark. I have to be at work in the morning, so I'd best get some sleep. Your father is making breakfast for the two of you in the morning. I think he wants you to help him around the farm some, if you feel like it."
The idea of spending tomorrow at home with just his father sounded good to Clark. He wouldn't be on display as the boy whose girlfriend was killed at school, he wouldn't be the boy who dated the pscychopath to all of the whisperers in the hallway, and he wouldn't have to deal with the possibility of running into Lana.
He smiled. "Sounds good. Mom?"
"Yes?"
"Thanks. For being so nice about school and - and everything."
"Like we said, Clark - you and your well-being are our primary concern as your parents. We love you, sweetheart."
Moments after his mother left the room, Clark was sound asleep.
