The door bangs shut and I clench my fist in the wake of Hatake's absence. I look down at the counter with unfocused eyes and sigh. The village suspects me. Hatake probably hates me. I mouthed off to a jonin. What was I thinking? My mind comes up blank as I continue to stare unblinkingly into space. I let my watering eyes slide shut and take a deep breath through my nose… let it out. I uncurl my fist.
The truth is that I'm scared. Terrified. Like most humans I dislike pain, I fear death. I am a pacifist in a world of violence. This is a world where threats are eliminated without mercy, where 'better safe than sorry' equates 'safety' with the utter annihilation of any possible enemy. I cannot afford to be threatening when my chosen life as a civilian leaves me defenseless to fight back. Powerless. Weak. Your useless sentimentality will only get you killed!
I collect shards of ice around me and build back up the walls a certain ball of sunshine had begun to melt. With a few more minutes of steady breathing, I'm once again numb. Violence is never the answer. I will endure. I refuse to add more pain to this suffering world. If I must sacrifice myself to do so then so be it. I'll deal. My hand reaches up to rub at the center of my chest, soothing phantom pain from a bullet all those years ago.
If only… I wasn't so alone.
Why do people hurt each other, Papa?
Because that's just what they do.
I put a palm to my forehead, trying to think past the invasive memories. The simplest solution would of course be to distance myself from Naruto. But simple doesn't mean easy. The kid's a leech. I sigh explosively and run a hand through the black strands of hair falling in my face. Didn't I know this would happen? He's a main character for goodness sake. The kid's bound to bring trouble wherever he goes. And it's not like he even needs me. I'm not a ninja, I'm not a character of his story, and I'm not even from this world. Yet here I am hiring his team just to make him happy. The best course of action is to cut ties. No Naruto- no suspicious shinobi. No Naruto- no Uchiha teammate, no meddlesome jonin sensei, nor squealing Sakura. I can do this. I'm good at pushing people away. I've done it my whole life. I look up at the bulletin board where a cheerful yellow thank-you card is pinned. Pulling it down I regretfully throw it in the trash. Yeah. I can deal with it. … But can he?
I squeeze my eyes shut. Why is this my life? Oh yeah, because against my better judgment I let an anime hero worm his way into my heart. I close my eyes and lean my head back, thinking of my Naruto-obsessed cousin. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, I tell the vision of her in my head, I know I said I'd never get attached to a cartoon character, but this isn't really what I meant. I ignore her imagined spluttering at my use of the word 'cartoon' and go on. I also never thought I'd get imprisoned or killed by a character and that's looking more and more likely all the time. Any suggestions?
Unfortunately my conjured cousin has no answer. At this point I've lived longer in this life than I did in the previous one and my memories are not what they once were. For goodness' sake, I'd only recently figured out that the world I'd been living in for twenty some years was the manga she used to prattle on about. Romanticized violence, I'd always called it, and she always called me a stick in the mud. I call myself a realist.
But here I am, a pacifist in a world of aggression. Am I powerless? Weak? Afraid? I'm the last one most definitely, almost constantly in fact. Only an idiot or propaganda-fed patriot wouldn't feel the slightest fear at being surrounded by powerful mercenaries and assassins. But I am neither. I know my own vulnerability. I know the thin line I walk. I know the dangers I face on the path I've chosen to tread. I would not fight in their war. I would not fight for my clan. I held my peacefulness above all else and in a ninja village it's no wonder that caused my loyalty to be suspect.
It's funny. I'm a civilian from a noble clan, defenseless by choice, and yet it is that very mindset, so different from their own, that makes them fear me. What do they think I'll do? Use the Kyuubi to dismantle the whole shinobi system? Bring about peace by killing off all the ninja? That's probably the closest thing these people can conceive of actual pacifism.
