Rating: T for occasional language. Also see other warnings.
Disclaimer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all related characters belong to Nickelodeon.
Summary: Bradford has always blamed Michelangelo for his misfortunes and especially for his mutation so when he manages to capture the young ninja, he's going to make sure he knows exactly what it's like. 2k12 AU.
Warning: Warnings for physical and mental torture in this story abound, as well as for implied and highly disturbing situations. Trigger warnings may apply for some chapters. There will not however, be gruesome details. Some things are best left up to the imagination.
Concrit, thoughts and comments always welcomed.
NaluCelestiaDragneel and mina-minx - Thank you :-)
Wingless Blackbird – Thanks. Seeing your comment so soon after posting certainly made me feel a bit better about it :-)
Minnie1015 – Glad you didn't notice it. It just felt a bit, I dunno... abrupt going into it maybe? *shrugs* but then again, my perceptions of it may be coloured by the fact that it's not the same as I originally had it and I could never get that back after losing it. Heh, maybe the person playing with that proverbial yoyo should learn how to use one properly if it keeps going up and down down down XD Raphie needs to learn to think before speaking... really...
ViolaHarmony – Because Raph has a tendency to speak and act without thinking, in a totally different way to Mikey. Much as I love many things about 2k12, that's one of my issues with it. They can all say and do some pretty awful things to each other at times but Raph especially so. In 2k3, that kind of thing to me felt like just joshing about between them but 2k12, it went further, especially when directed at Mikey. He doesn't mean it but... *shakes head* well, Leo expresses it well enough. Yeah, Donnie's encouragement of Mikey definitely goes a long way :-)
How Much is that Turtle in the Window
ch 19
It hurt to breathe. His head pounded worse than ever, he couldn't stop shivering and to top it all off, someone was gently caressing his forehead.
They were trying to wake him again and Mikey immediately stiffened. He couldn't help the silent whimper and hating himself for his weakness, found himself grateful he couldn't vocalise anymore.
The hand stilled but refused to leave his forehead. "Mikey?" a vaguely familiar voice softly ventured. Then, when he didn't respond, a small sigh sounded and the fingers on his skin started up again.
"Leo?"
Silence. Then the soft sound of someone standing and walking as only ninja training could instil.
"I thought he finally woke up, that's all," the first voice spoke tiredly.
The fingers on his forehead stiffened slightly as if the owner was fighting not to clench them, then relaxed and began their mock soothing motion once more.
"What happened?" the second voice, also achingly familiar, asked in weary curiosity, sounding as though they'd crouched down beside him.
It was all he could do not to scramble away but it wouldn't do him any good. It never did because even if he wasn't chained in place, he was in a small confined space where the doors were always locked when they came, preventing his escape.
And anyway, where could he go when he was constantly tracked and monitored?
Not to mention how much worse things became when he showed fear or distress...
There was no answer to the question but the hand drew away and he was certain whoever was tormenting him this time brought their head close to his from the faint warm breath on his face. Now he couldn't help but cringe. Why couldn't they ever just leave him alone?
"Open your eyes, Mikey," they asked desperately, the hand coming back to his forehead. "I know you're awake."
"Leo," the other one ventured carefully, "it might be better if you stopped..."
"Stopped what?" Leo asked, sounding confused. Mikey was confused too. Since when did anyone except Mai try to stop them but Mai only helped him when he was injured or sick. The rest of the time she hurt him too.
"Touching him, Leo. Mikey won't open his eyes because being touched distresses him."
His brothers! It was only his brothers. He was safe and with them, not back in his kennel being... He let out a slow, even breath of relief, hoping he wouldn't draw Leo's attention because he really wasn't ready to face them yet. Even if his brother was sure he was already awake...
"What are you talking about, Donnie?" Leo asked in a disbelieving tone, drawing his hand away regardless. "Mikey loves physical contact. He always has."
"Not always," Donnie said reluctantly. "Not anymore."
"What do you mean? He's been fine with us helping him walk all this time," Leo protested. "That involved being touched."
There was silence again and then Donnie continued. "That was different to this and..." silence for a few seconds more as if Donnie was struggling with what to say. "I've noticed he's fine when he knows it's coming but if he doesn't, well... he's had some pretty bad reactions. It makes me think..."
"Think what?" Leo asked, sharper than he meant to and causing Mikey to wince again.
"... That someone hurt him in more ways than the obvious," Donnie finally admitted in an extremely soft voice which Mikey heard regardless. One thing he'd discovered since being forced into silence was that he'd become so much better at listening since he wasn't drowning out the world around him with his own noise anymore. That and it was pure self-defence. Not that he could ever do much with the little forewarning he gained but that was beside the point. He reluctantly opened his eyes and stared at his brother, silently pleading with him not to say any more.
"What exactly are you saying, Don?" Leo asked, his voice hard as he stared Donnie down.
"If you are asking me to spell it out for you, Leo, I won't do that for two reasons."
"Which are?"
"One, I can't know for certain and two, you were right, Mikey is awake."
With that, the two older turtles turned to look down at him, Leo's expression softening. "Hey, little brother, how are you feeling?"
Embarrassed. Ashamed. Sickened.
Why did Donnie have to mention his suspicions to anyone, especially Leo? Mikey closed his expression off and with great effort flipped over onto his plastron so he wouldn't have to look at them anymore.
There was silence again for a moment before Donnie stood and moved around the mattress. "Please answer the question, Mikey," he commanded as he came into view again. "Are you in any pain or feeling sick?"
Knowing he couldn't get out of this, Mikey bit his lip a moment and then made a half-hearted face, sticking his tongue out.
"How badly?"
He blinked once and thought about it, then blinked four times before closing his eyes, trying to shut Donnie out.
"Leo, how was Mikey's temperature?" Donnie suddenly asked.
"A little warm but not too much."
"Okay," Donnie replied thoughtfully before getting up and shuffling around for a minute. Then, he came back. "Mikey, I'm going to help you to sit up to drink some water. Okay?"
'No,' Mikey tapped twice, unwilling to open his eyes and meet his brother's expectant gaze. The last thing he wanted was to be touched right now. Not after what just happened.
After what was just said...
"I'm afraid I have to insist," Donnie persisted stubbornly. "Leo and I are going to help you."
'No!' Mikey tapped again, this time more forcefully. But he knew that tone of Donnie's and that there was no arguing with him when he sounded like that so instead he struggled to push himself up, noticing for the first time since waking just how weak and shaky he felt. What had happened to him this time?
Sure, he still had that concussion which explained much of the pounding headache, not to mention all the bruising his Alpha left him with but that didn't explain how he felt right now. Anxiousness began to rise within as he struggled to remember and his eyes darted around the shipping container, searching. Suddenly, he realised that only Leo and Donnie were here, Raph wasn't but that didn't make sense. Raph might be a bit of an arse at times but he always hung around when he was sick or injured. Even when he was unsure what to do or how to help. The only times he didn't was when he felt responsible for whatever happened.
And that's when it all came flooding back.
"So then, why do it?" Raph repeated, his voice strained as he fought to swallow the emotion in his voice. "Why'd you go back to Dogpound like that?"
Mikey gasped and stumbled back.
"You went right to him, Mikey!" Raph exploded without thinking. "You gave yourself over to that fucking arsehole instead of letting us know he was there! Why didn't you tell us?
'No!' he blinked desperately, even as he screamed the word impotently in his head.
"You should have told us!"
But he couldn't have because he didn't know! He didn't know his Alpha was there!
"Master Splinter died trying to protect him, Leo!"
He couldn't breathe again. He floundered, desperately gasping for breath that wouldn't come.
"He's having another panic attack, Don. How do we calm him down if touching him caused this?" Leo asked urgently.
Donnie was silent a moment as he weighed their options. Then reluctantly, "I'm not so sure we can. We're going to have to use pressure points again."
-:-
Awareness dawned on him slowly, accompanied by the soothing sounds of his brothers softly talking nearby and the dull ache of bruises only a few days old.
Along with a growing sensation of dread he couldn't immediately explain.
Mikey blinked his eyes open to find himself staring at the ceiling once more and suppressing his shudder, groaned internally. They'd laid him on his shell again, just like every other time they'd knocked him out or he'd been hurt again. Years of training had long knocked the leftover instincts of discomfort from being on their shells out of them and it was only when they felt the most vulnerable that it ever even bothered them any more. He'd even long ago reached the point of being completely comfortable laying on his shell and upside down while reading or playing games. At least, until she came along...
The chains he wore on the original journey to Japan hadn't helped. They'd made it impossible to get comfortable at all, let alone when on his shell but the true fear-inducing reality of being on his carapace didn't truly start until he found himself strapped down on that surgery table on a semi-regular basis.
Not ready to be up yet and wincing at the pull of the heavy paws from his uncomfortable position, Mikey struggled to lift his left arm and swing it over him so he could turn back onto his plastron, completely unaware he had an audience.
"You normally move around quite fast and easily even with those manacles, that seeing you have so much trouble lifting them now is surprising," Donnie observed quietly, making Mikey lift his head and whip it towards him in alarm at the sudden speech.
Seriously? Mikey gave Donnie a tired look of disbelief.
"So my question is, why?"
"Donnie?" Leo asked curiously.
"N-no, I understand that they're heavy, that's obviously half the point of them but Mikey has adjusted well enough to be able to cra… uh... walk and even somewhat run about on all fours rather well but then lifting them in other ways, holding them out, even low to the ground, obviously troubles him. I would like to know just why that is," Donnie explained patiently as he stood and walked over to Mikey, taking one of his paws in hand and studying it. "Didn't you ever work on trying to get used to lifting them in other ways, to make things easier for yourself?"
Mikey continued staring for a moment, then beginning to shake, stared down at the mattress in shame.
Donnie put his paw down and instead slipped a finger under his chin, trying to make Mikey look up at him. "Hey, it's okay, you don't need to feel bad about it or for anything else," he gently assured. "I just want to understand. The more I understand, the easier it will be for me to help you."
Did he really mean that? Even after the way he went back to his Alpha the way he had? Tentatively, he lifted his gaze to glance into Donnie's concerned, sincere one and blinked once before turning his head and staring. This time, up into the position where the camera had been before his brother removed it. He had no idea what Donnie had done with the thing since he'd dismantled it at a time Mikey was resting per Doctor Donnie's orders. He'd tried peeking a couple of times, only to be blocked by Leo and gently reminded he was injured and should be sleeping. Hah! Like that was possible when they were moving about. Every unexpected sound set him on edge, making it all but impossible to fall asleep.
Both Donnie and Leo followed his gaze, frowning in confusion. Suddenly, Donnie straightened.
"They were watching you through the camera in your shelter even when no one was actually with you!" he exclaimed excitedly. Mikey winced at the enthusiasm but his brother didn't mean that how it sounded, he always became excited whenever he realised or understood anything new. Then Donnie sobered in realisation. "You tried at first, didn't you."
'Yes,' Mikey blinked.
"And they punished you for it..."
'… Yes.'
"For trying to learn how to move with those things," Leo said, gritting his teeth in anger and disgust.
"For not acting like the dog they were trying to turn him into," Donnie corrected, his tone just as stiff, just as cold.
'Yes,' Mikey blinked again, suddenly unable to look at them again. Unconsciously, he hunched his shoulders, shrinking in on himself to make himself less of a target.
Donnie took a deep breath. "Alright, here's what we're going to do." Mikey managed to lift his gaze to look at Donnie again, taking a glance at Leo and seeing him smile reassuringly and nod in agreement. "Obviously I can't remove those shackles while we're stuck out at sea, so that will have to wait until we get home. I'm truly sorry about that, Mikey," Donnie added, his voice and expression crestfallen.
Mikey blinked once, he'd already known that.
"However, what we can do in the meantime is help you get used to actually walking and moving normally again..."
Mikey canted his head curiously.
"... Once those are off, you won't be able to walk properly immediately. You've been kept down and shackled for far too long," Donnie explained gently, "so Leo and preferably Raph..." Mikey looked around for their other brother but he was nowhere to be found and the chill already in his heart settled even deeper, "... will work with you to walk around for short periods several times a day while we're on this ship. That should help strengthen your muscles again for walking and at least make adjusting easier when the shackles finally come off."
'Okay,' Mikey blinked, trying not to let the disappointment at Raph's absence show on his face. He shouldn't be disappointed, not after what happened earlier. It was only to be expected that Raph wouldn't be anywhere to be seen. His brother probably hated him now and Mikey would bet had no idea of the part he was to play in Donnie's plans to help him. He just hoped Raph wouldn't resent Donnie too much for it.
"We're also going to work with you on you lifting your hands and arms in other ways other than what's needed for simply moving about," Donnie continued. He took a breath. "I know it will only be for another three weeks or so that you are stuck wearing those but again, once they're off, you will need to work on rehabilitation anyway and if we start now, it will be easier and faster then."
'Okay,' Mikey blinked again. Ugh... rehabilitation sucked. It was boring, it was frustrating and it hurt but... he wanted to be able to move properly again so much. Almost as much, if not more, than he wished he had his voice back. Besides, he had to do something to kill time while in this floating torture chamber. He stared down at where his hands lay inside their metal prisons and swallowed painfully past the tight collar flush against his throat.
"Do you have any space inside of those to at least flex your fingers?"
Not much... Mikey blinked yes regardless.
"That's good," Donnie smiled in relief as Mikey looked away again. "I want you to work on that while also working on the other exercises."
None of that mattered though and he had no way to tell Donnie. Wasn't sure he could even if he had a voice and words.
"We're not going to start any of that for another day or two though as you need time to rest and heal. You still have that concussion and severe bruising at the very least. Not to mention, you're clearly still exhausted," Donnie added flatly. "We will, however, continue our practise of Morse Code before we start your rehabilitation. That is if you're up to it."
'Yes!' He was more than up to it! It was so hard but he needed it so much. Needed to be able to talk to them somehow, even if there were things he couldn't ever tell them.
"Good," Donnie's expression mellowed and Leo came closer to sit beside Mikey, offering a cup and helping him to drink. When they were done, Mikey rested his head tiredly on his brother's shoulder and Leo wrapped his arm around Mikey. Donnie smiled.
"I was going to get you to run through what we've already practised once before putting you to bed again but I think it can wait until after you've rested more," he said warmly.
Nope! No way! Mikey struggled upright again but maintained contact with Leo's arm as he reached away slightly with his left paw and tapped through the vowels, looking at Donnie expectantly.
Donnie chuckled, "Alright," and then quizzed him on the consonants he'd taught Mikey so far. Mikey struggled with the last batch he'd been taught but remembered the earlier couple of batches with some intense concentration. Donnie showed him the newer ones again, gently coaxing him when he stumbled over a couple, then insisted Mikey try to sleep some. Yawning, Mikey couldn't help but agree and Leo tried to lower him on his shell.
'No!' he blinked and tapped simultaneously.
"What's wrong, Mikey?" Leo asked, perplexed. "You agreed to try to sleep."
But not on his shell. He shuddered. Then struggled free of Leo's hold and slowly lowered himself onto his plastron, looking pleadingly up at his brothers as he did.
"You don't like lying on your shell anymore," Leo realised.
'No,' he blinked sleepily, he didn't.
"Alright, we won't put you on it again," Leo promised before Donnie could say otherwise, "but this is also something else we're going to have to work on in the future since we can't afford that kind of vulnerability in our lives."
Frowning, he looked up at Leo but Leo just looked back at him with that kind but stern expression he often directed at him when they were younger. The one proclaiming that he was the big brother and Mikey was the little and that therefore he'd always be there for him helping, even when he didn't want it, so sighing, Mikey blinked once then closed his eyes.
He really was very tired.
-:-
When Mikey awoke next, he still felt emotionally and physically wrung out but he felt a lot better than earlier. Donnie was asleep right on the far edge of the mattress next to him and Leo sitting up, leaning against the wall with his eyes closed as if feigning sleep. Mikey knew better. It was his brother's way to focus all his senses on his surroundings while cutting out the often misleading sight.
Careful of his aches and of disturbing his sleeping brother, Mikey slowly pushed his way up on all fours to head to the toilet. He wasn't surprised to see Leo's eyes snap open immediately.
"Good afternoon," Leo smiled gently. Mikey blinked back once, not having any appropriate response to give beyond simply acknowledging him. "Are you feeling better now?"
'Yes,' Mikey replied as he worked his wobbly way across the floor. He quickly disappeared from view, taking his time, before heading back out to where Leo awaited and leaning against him, seeking comfort.
"How's your head?"
Mikey thought and then tapped eight times. There was still a dull ache but overall, it wasn't too bad at the moment.
"That's good," Leo breathed in relief. "Thirsty?"
'Yes.'
"Okay, wait here a moment, I'll be right back," Leo promised.
Jealously, Mikey watched as Leonardo easily and gracefully rose to his feet and padded silently across the container to the crate where the water was stored. Leo took out a bottle, poured it into a cup and brought it back over where he helped Mikey drink once more. Then, once done, he settled beside him and Mikey leaned carefully onto Leo's shoulder again.
The two sat in comfortable silence for some time, with Leo gently rubbing Mikey's left arm, occasionally rubbing up against the bandanna that at some point had been replaced over the Foot Clan symbol branded into his arm. Mikey looked down at the bright red material with a painful swallow.
Having it there had been a comfort. Not just because it covered up that hateful mark showing the world he was 'owned' but it had also made him feel closer to Raph, made him feel just that little bit safer, even when they truly hadn't been. It proved he wasn't truly alone, even in the moments he needed or wanted privacy.
Now though, it only reminded him of the anger and disgust Raphael felt for his betrayal, whether he meant to betray them or not, and reminded him that he hadn't seen Raph since.
"What's wrong?" Leo asked softly, concerned.
Mikey swallowed uncomfortably again and looked up at Leo before gazing down at the red bandanna again. Then he leant forward and feigned looking all around the shipping container as if searching. For a moment, he tried lifting a single paw to sit flat above his eyes but it was too heavy and he couldn't lift it all the way. Still, it got the message across.
"You're wondering where Raphael is," Leo stated flatly, a faint hint of disapproval in his voice.
'Yes,' Mikey replied, twisting and looking up at his brother beseechingly. He tried to suppress the shudder at the fear he felt that Raph never wanted to see or have anything to do with him again.
"To tell the truth, Donnie and I have been wondering the same thing," Leo replied with a small, matter-of-fact smile meant to be reassuring. "You know what he's like when he lets his temper get the better of him. As soon as it was dark enough, he took off out onto the ship to clear his head. He didn't make it back before the sun rose so we won't see him until tonight."
Mikey's eyes widened in alarm and Leo chuckled.
"I'm sure he's fine. He's an insane, irresponsible hothead but he's not stupid." Leo hesitated a moment before adding, "Usually, at least. He'll be well hidden and hopefully, by the time he gets back, he'll have a much clearer head."
Mikey blinked once before looking down.
"Hey, you can stop blaming yourself for this because it's not your fault, Mikey," Leo said firmly, his voice soft to avoid disturbing Donnie, even though Donnie could easily sleep through an explosion – whether he caused it or not. "You know how Raph gets, probably better than any of us. He gets something in his head to worry or fret about but refuses to talk about it and instead stews on it for hours or days until it becomes too much and when he does finally let it out, he blows it completely out of proportion, usually hurting whoever is closest in the process. Raph was just scared because we lost you again and when he gets scared, well, you know how he covers up his fear with anger. He didn't mean any of what he said and he's sure to tell you that himself when he's able to come back."
Mikey snorted slightly. Most of what Leo said was true for sure but he wasn't so sure that was the case in this instance. Raphael tended to see things in terms of black and white and family or not, a betrayal was still a betrayal, whether it was intentional or not. Whether he knew Dogpound was there or not didn't matter, he had still subconsciously responded to his Alpha's command. He didn't like it, didn't want it, didn't even like thinking of the monster as such but it was true. He'd been completely unable to fight against him, unable to disobey.
He wasn't even aware of the commands half the time anymore, just immediately obeyed them because he'd been tired of the constant pain and humiliation.
He'd never thought help was coming or he might have fought the conditioning harder and by the time help actually came... it'd been far too late.
Mikey bit his lower lip as the shame overwhelmed him again.
"I know you can't have realised Dogpound was in the factory that night," Leo suddenly spoke again, breaking Mikey out of his reverie. He looked up in confusion. It was impossible to explain, he didn't have the words or the voice, he didn't even have all the letters yet so how could Leo know?
Leo smiled softly down at him and briefly squeezed him tighter to him.
"I know you, Mikey," he said quietly. "If you knew, even if you'd been unable to tell us, you would have had a look in your eyes telling us something was wrong. Your eyes are really expressive, you know? They always have been. How else do you think you've always been able to manipulate us so easily with just a look?" he chuckled fondly. "Anyway, we were in an enclosed space with no wind for Dogpound's scent to have travelled on, not to mention the place was full of sharp chemical smells. Then there's the fact that despite appearances to the contrary, Dogpound was a really good ninja, he could be extremely quiet when he made up his mind to be, even after his mutation. And on top of all that, you were half-asleep by then. I saw how attentive you were when I came back from scouting, good job, by the way, Mikey, but you completely relaxed once I joined the rest of you because you trusted us... trusted me... to keep you safe. So it's actually me who failed you, not you failing us or yourself and I'm really sorry for that."
What? Alarmed, Mikey pulled away enough so he could turn and really look up at Leo properly. 'No!' he protested, blinking frantically and tapping the ground twice for good measure. If only he could tell Leo how wrong he was, that it wasn't his fault at all. Because it wasn't and Leo needed to hear that but he couldn't.
Leo only smiled at him indulgently and continued, ignoring his wordless protests, "So you see, I know what happened wasn't your fault," he insisted firmly. "I don't know what exactly happened to make you go to him since I didn't hear anything and unfortunately that's not something you can explain right now but I do know it wasn't deliberate and you watch, when Raph returns, he's going to see things the same way as I do. I promise."
Mikey hesitated. Leo made a lot of sense but he still wasn't too sure when it came to Raph. However, the worst part of all this was that Leo wrongfully blamed himself. He didn't like it and wished he could tell Leo so. Although, he mused thoughtfully, Master Splinter always had said actions spoke louder than words so Mikey snuggled in closer to Leo, hoping that would at least convince his brother that he didn't blame him.
It wasn't the same as telling him it wasn't his fault but it was all he had and for now, it would have to do.
-:-
Haha, sorry, no Raphie in this chapter but I promise, he'll be back next chapter XD One thing's for sure though, Mikey's sure a better person than me. He's hurting so badly in so many ways and yet he's still thinking of others before himself.
Don't forget to let me know what you think of the chapter - anything good, bad, something I could improve :-)
Edited to Add:
Oh yes, a friend told me this story has been nominated in the TMNT 2020 Adult Fanfiction awards so I went and looked it up on a link she gave me ( https{:/}/affatmntfan{.}tumblr{.}com/post/641203594735058944/the-nominee-list-had-been-posted ) and it's been nominated under 2 categories:
BEST PORTRAYAL OF A TURTLE (Michelangelo)
and
BEST DARK PSYCHOLOGICAL OR HEARTBREAKING TRAGEDY
Thank you to whoever nominated me :-)
