Rating: T for occasional language. Also see other warnings.

Disclaimer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all related characters belong to Nickelodeon.

Summary: Bradford has always blamed Michelangelo for his misfortunes and especially for his mutation so when he manages to capture the young ninja, he's going to make sure he knows exactly what it's like. 2k12 AU.

Warning: Warnings for physical and mental torture in this story abound, as well as for implied and highly disturbing situations. Trigger warnings may apply for some chapters. There will not however, be gruesome details. Some things are best left up to the imagination.

Concrit, thoughts and comments always welcomed.


A/N: Sorry I didn't update any of my stories last week. I wasn't really in a good headspace for it.

NaluCelestiaDragneel - That made me smile. Thanks :-)

Minnie1015 – Thanks :-) heck, I only knew about it because my friend mentioned it. The organisers used to contact the authors/artists via PM to let them know they've been nominated and do they mind but no one contacted me and I was looking through past years' winners and saw another story of mine that apparently placed and yet I was never contacted about that one either, on here, AO3 or DA (the only places I am contactable with). Ah well *shrug*

Well, the Raph/Mikey confrontation happens this chapter XD As for Mikey's hands... yeah... he really needs to let Donnie know when he can...

Thanks :-)


How Much is that Turtle in the Window

ch 20

Mikey yawned himself awake, feeling warm in a way that had nothing to do with the unpleasant stuffiness of the shipping container and looked up sharply to see what had disturbed him. To his surprise, it was to see Raphael slipping in through the door and closing it gently behind him. Mikey quickly closed his eyes again, snuggling deeper into Leonardo's protective hold as he pretended not to have been woken by his hotheaded brother's return.

Light footsteps made their way towards him, stopping seemingly directly in front. Mikey opened his eyes the tiniest of cracks to see emerald green feet just inches away.

"Hey," Raph said gruffly, "I know you're awake, Mikey. There's no way you didn't notice me coming in"

"He's exhausted, Raph," Donnie spoke up grimly from nearby, "It's been a very rough few days on top of an extremely rough number of months."

"Yeah, I get that, Don but I saw him looking at me when I closed the door."

An exhausted and slightly exasperated sigh sounded from across the room. "Do you have any idea how much you hurt him yesterday?"

"... Yeah... I get it..." Raph muttered unhappily. "And I didn't mean it like that."

"Don't tell it to me, tell it to Mikey," Donnie retorted testily.

"I'd love to but I want to be sure he's paying attention to me first because I'm not sure I have it in me to apologise more than once." Now it was Raph who sighed. "Not that I'd blame him if he doesn't want to hear it. Probably hates me after the horrible things I said and accused him of."

"You know, a year ago, I would have said Mikey didn't have the ability to hate," Donnie stated matter-of-factly, "though now, I'm not so sure..."

"Not helping, Don," Raph replied grumpily.

"I wasn't trying to help but my point is, I very much doubt he hates you."

"That's true, he's more scared that you hate him and will reject him," Leo murmured quietly.

Ugh great! Why'd Leo have to go tell Raph that? He already felt vulnerable enough!

"And unfortunately, I wasn't quite able to convince him otherwise when we talked earlier."

"He actually spoke?" Raph asked, his voice suddenly full of hope.

"Not in words, no," Leo admitted, his voice vibrating soothingly through his body and into Mikey's where he snuggled against his brother., "but it was pretty obvious what he wanted to say if you paid attention."

Raph sighed miserably and Mikey heard him drop to the ground in front of him with a small clunk. He peeked momentarily through slits in his eyelids again to see his brother staring at him with a guilty look on his face and his heart ached for him to open his eyes and reach out to Raph. Unfortunately, his head, on the other hand, screamed at him to keep away because Raphael would only reject him all over again.

"I'm not going anywhere until you open your eyes and listen to me, little brother," Raph said after a minute, his voice sounding hoarse and choked with emotion. "I don't expect you to forgive me or anything but I do want you to at least hear me out."

He couldn't. His heart and head were at war, preventing him from responding in any way. Leaving him laying safely in Leo's warm, protective embrace.

Raphael sighed miserably again. "Okay, well, like I said, I'm staying put until you're ready."

Everyone sat in silence for some time and then finally, Mikey heard Raph standing and moving away and his heart sped up at the realisation.

He knew it! His brother wasn't actually serious about trying to make things right. He was leaving again already! Mikey's fingers clenched in anguish within the metal paws and he stiffened slightly in Leonardo's arms even as Leonardo tightened his hold ever-so-slightly to comfort him.

Then he froze, frowning slightly as he heard a strange sound. A kind of wet, crisp slicing sound. Suddenly, a fresh delicious scent he barely recalled wafted under his nostrils and he couldn't help but salivate, his lips parting slightly. Then something sweet was partially pushed into his mouth and Mikey's eyes flew open in surprise and fright, only to see Raph grinning smugly in front of him, holding a bright red apple with a chunk cut out of it in his hands.

Mikey scowled at Raph's trickery even as he crunched at the delectable morsel, enjoying every burst of juice and flavour, all but moaning his enjoyment.

"Want more?" Raph questioned slyly.

Dammit but he did and his traitorous eyes couldn't help but blink their response, even as they stared at the fruit he hadn't seen or tasted in so long.

"Whatever you decide, it's all yours but I want you to at least listen to me, okay?"

Mikey sighed in defeat and blinked, watching the apple in his brother's hands as Raph cut free another slice and handed it to him.

"I'm really sorry, Mikey, I never meant to hurt or upset you," Raph finally said sadly as Mikey stopped chewing and swallowed, still unable to meet his brother's eyes. "I was only trying to understand what happened that night," he explained, chagrined. "You promised you'd stay with us no matter what and I knew it was difficult for you but the last couple of times we came across the Foot, you managed to fight your conditioning and stayed."

That was because he had one of his brothers directly by his side and touching or holding him! Reminding him physically that they were there and lending him their strength!

"You walking away and back into Dogpound's possession that night really scared us, you know."

Wait, he scared them? Mikey lifted his head and stared at Raph incredulously. How the hell did Raph think he felt! He was terrified!

"I... I just wanted to know if you went back to him because you thought you were protecting us or some crap when we're the ones who are supposed to be protecting you. I... I never thought you actually betrayed us or anything stupid like that! I just... God..." Raph looked so pained, distraught even and Mikey felt sick both with anger at the sight of Raph's distress and with sadness at the sight of it, knowing that he'd caused that. Both that night and many others. "I-I drove you to another fucking panic attack..."

"Two actually," Donatello piped up snippishly from behind.

"Not helping, Don," Leo admonished softly.

"... and then when you collapsed, unable to breathe because of me... because of what I said... Fuck! We could have lost you again but this time forever and all because of my stupidity." Raph groaned and buried his head in his hands, self-loathing oozing thickly from his voice. "L-Leo told me once you were breathing again how you couldn't have known Dogpound was there at the time and yet I blamed you for not telling us. I-I'm so sorry, little brother!"

Really... Mikey stared at Raph coldly. Leo worked it out that early on? So why hadn't Raph known? Why hadn't he told them before then?

... Because while Leo was a master strategist, he thought his best on his feet...

Maybe he hadn't thought about it earlier, hadn't had time but Leo probably did what Leo did best and realised in the heat of the moment as Raph's accusations flew... Therefore Leo never had a chance to share his revelation beforehand... and as for Donnie, who knew what he thought. Donatello had a bad habit of not sharing until he was sure or pressed by others...

"And as for what I said about Splinter..." Raphael groaned again and sniffled slightly, "I shouldn't have ever said anything like that. Not to you, not to anyone and there's no excuse. I am so, so sorry, little bro."

The words all but splitting him open again at the reminder, Mikey froze again, eyes dropping to the floor. Hearing that out loud had hurt so badly but he'd already known it true. Whether he intended to or not he had thrown away their father's sacrifice and therefore his death was all his fault.

"Man, you have no idea how much we missed you, brat," Raph suddenly stated fondly, shoving away his vulnerable emotions and switching tack as he held out another slice of apple for Mikey to take. Trying not to give away how he felt and making his brother feel even guiltier, Mikey leant forward, biting to take hold of the peace offering, even with his stomach churning with nausea the way it was. "The sewers were way too quiet with you gone."

He stopped mid-chew and looked up, his heart beginning to race once more at the implication of Raph's expectations that things would return to normal once they were home.

But they couldn't.

He was too much of a mess after everything and he knew it. Then there was the fact that he couldn't even make a sound anymore. There was no possible way things could even approach normal again. Whatever normal was. Mikey had no idea any more.

"Hey, I don't just mean from your non-stop talking," Raph frowned, quick to explain at the deer-in-headlights-look on Mikey's face. "Even on the rare occasions you were quiet, you were still noisy what with your games, messing about in the kitchen experimenting with disgustingly weird food, Dr Prankentein, fidgeting when we were supposed to be meditating..." Raphael smiled as Mikey relaxed enough to chew his slice of apple again, "... even asleep, your presence has always screamed, 'I'm here, pay attention to me!'" He cut the last piece of the apple away and held it out for Mikey to take, then wiped the kunai off on his wrappings before putting it away and shifting closer. When Mikey didn't try to move away, he placed his arm around Mikey's shell, pulling him away from Leo and close to himself as he rubbed gently at it. "Yeah, I know you used to annoy us something fierce but it's how we knew you were there and everything was alright... When you were taken from us... Hell! Mikey, don't you ever get yourself captured again, okay?"

He hadn't meant to get captured in the first place!

Distraught and still trying to hide it, Mikey shifted slightly in Raph's hold so he could turn his head up, gaze flickering worriedly across Raph's face and he was surprised to see how much fierce sincerity and fear shone on his brother's face, even in the dim light of the shipping container.

Something shifted in Raph's expression and he suddenly burst out, "Promise me, Mikey! We couldn't take it if you ever disappeared again!"

"That's not a promise any of us can make, considering our lives," Donnie spoke up quietly from the sidelines, tiredly.

"I don't care!" Raph snapped, glaring across the room at Donnie before turning back to Mikey with a desperate, pleading look in his eyes. "Just promise me, Mikey!" he demanded. "Promise me you won't disappear on us again!"

Mikey's eyes widened as he stared, unsure how to answer when he couldn't.

"Raph..." Leo began in a warning tone. He reached out a supporting hand to rest on Mikey to ground him.

Mikey's lip quivered as his gaze fell. He wanted so much to do as Raph asked but Donnie was right. No one could promise something like that and especially not him. Not after the constant training and conditioning he'd been put through since he was taken - what happened the other night at the factory was proof of that - and he couldn't even promise to at least try since he had no words anymore.

No, that wasn't quite true, Donnie had been working so hard to help him. He still had a lot to learn yet but...

Mikey looked up seriously at Raph and tentatively reached out with a paw as he concentrated, {I tri} he tapped out slowly, hesitantly, on the metal floor, unsure if he was even doing it right.

"Uh..." Raph looked around the room, staring helplessly at their brothers. "What was that supposed to mean?"

Donnie was smiling broadly, proudly and Leo had a look of deep concentration on his face.

"I believe Mikey said he'd try but I think he spelt it wrong...?" Leo ventured carefully.

Mikey pulled a face. They always used to pick on him for his spelling so he shouldn't really be surprised at Leo now. Wasn't his fault this time though; he had no other choice.

"... I'm not sure, I'm still learning too so maybe I misunderstood?"

"You didn't, Leo," Donnie laughed quietly. "I haven't taught him 'y' yet. We still have eight more letters to go through before he's learnt the entire alphabet. Mikey's been limited by the fact that he has a concussion and needs to rest a lot, along with uh... other things but even so, he's been learning far faster than I expected."

"He has good reason to," Leo smiled warmly, shuffling over a space to where Mikey now leant tiredly against Raph, "right Mikey?"

{Hai, L,} Mikey tapped slowly, concentrating intensely once more.

"Now, I know you know your vowels, Mikey, so that's just being lazy," Leo chided with a muffled laugh once he translated the Morse.

Mikey stuck his tongue out, blowing a loud raspberry and jumped, startling himself by the loudest noise he'd made in a very long time.

Once his brothers stopped laughing at him, Donnie eyed him suspiciously, "Does this mean you're going to subject us to the Morse code equivalent of chat speak?"

They better believe it! 'Who, moi?' Mikey mimed, trying not to laugh too; his head was really beginning to hurt again.

"Great, just great..." Donnie muttered, pretending to be irritated. The hint of a smile on his face gave him away though. "He's found a whole new way to drive me up the wall, even while being unable to speak."

"And we'll all be grateful for it," Leo laughed, reaching up and rubbing at the top of Mikey's head as if giving him a noogie. At Donnie's immediate unimpressed look, Leo quickly reassured, "Don't worry, I'm being gentle!" he said, defensively.

Donnie snorted. "You better be! The last thing Mikey needs is his injuries exacerbated! And speaking of, Mikey, now that Raph's back and you've worked things out, back to bed!"

What? Why? Mikey looked pleadingly at Donnie. He was fine and enjoying the attention; for so long he'd missed it more than he ever would have thought possible.

"You're not okay," Donnie retorted tartly as if reading Mikey's mind. Then, more gently, "The effort of concentrating on those two brief sentences has clearly taken its toll on you, not to mention all the emotional upheaval you've been through since Raph came back."

Mikey scowled. It was way worse before Raph came back. For nearly a year in fact and Donnie hadn't worried too much about that before boarding the ship.

"Get some rest now for at least an hour and we can review the letters you already know and if you're ready and up to it, I'll teach you the next couple," Donnie quickly bargained. "Okay?"

Sighing in defeat, Mikey blinked yes and reluctantly pulled himself free from his brothers to make his way towards the stinky mattress. If only there was a way to get rid of his Alpha's scent faster he'd be a little happier about using it.

"How about I join you?" Raph offered softly, watching Mikey reluctantly walk away. "I didn't get any sleep out there so I could use the rest too."

'Yes,' Mikey blinked, almost slumping with relief at the suggestion.

"Before you join Mikey, Raph, I have to ask you about the apple," Leo spoke up sternly as Raph stood.

"Oh! Right! Sorry, I brought some back for the rest of us, too. They're by the door; help yourselves," Raph quickly offered.

"That's not what this is about," Leo frowned.

Mikey paused and looked back at Leo in trepidation. Why was he so upset about Raph's peace offering? Was it because Leo thought Raph used the apple to manipulate him?

Well, he did but if that was why Leo was annoyed, it was stupid because it was for him regardless of whether he accepted the apology or not. Raph only used it to get his attention because he was too afraid to look at him when he'd approached.

"Then what's it about?" Raph asked, an edge of belligerence seeping into his tone and body language. Mikey began to tremble at the quickly rising tension.

"It's about the fact that you took food that could be noticed!" Leo pointed out in that sanctimonious tone of his.

"No one's going to notice a few apples missing!" Raph barked with laughter. "Fuck, Leo! What do you take me for?"

Leo bristled and Mikey edged closer to the ground, moaning to himself. Why did they have to fight? Fighting meant anger and violence and that always meant he'd get hurt again! He was supposed to be safe with his brothers. They promised! Over and over again!

"An irresponsible, impulsive, hotheaded ninja who never stops to think before acting or reacting!" Leo snapped angrily.

"And who's not thinking now?" Donnie muttered, rolling his eyes in annoyance.

"Where did you get them?"

"The mess hall!" Raph snorted in disbelief. "In the middle of the night when most of the crew were asleep with only a skeleton crew manning the ship!"

"Are you kidding me? We're out at sea, Raphael! They keep inventory on food since they can't just stop off at a corner store to replace it! Look! It was a nice gesture to bring one back for Mikey but it was ill thought out, especially when you then brought back even more for the rest of us!"

"Perhaps this isn't the best time for this," Donnie snapped, stepping between their brothers and glaring them down from one to the other. He gestured toward Mikey hunkered on the floor near the mattress, shaking violently in terror from the poisonous words and tones being thrown about.

Leo baulked and Raph blanched.

"So might I suggest you keep your cockfight to yourselves! Somewhere away from our abused and frightened brother," Donnie hissed in a low tone.

"I'm sorry," Leo began with a worried glance at Mikey, "but..."

Raph snorted again. "Yeah, I'm going to stop you right there and set you straight, Leonardo! They leave a fucking fruit bowl out for the crew to help themselves to so no one is going to notice a few damn apples gone in the morning! They also leave bread and a toaster with spreads out at all hours! So thank you so much for your confidence in me! I'm going to bed!"

Whirling on his heel, Raph stalked towards Mikey. He crouched down beside him and reached out, falling short just shy of actually touching him. "Hey, little bro, it's okay. No one's going to hurt you and no one's fighting. You know how Lame-o-nardo is, always jumping to stupid conclusions when I'm involved."

Continuing to shake, Mikey buried his head deeper into his arms and curled in closer into himself; soft words after anger were never good either. He preferred the anger and the beating any day to the uncertainty of soft words where he never knew what was coming, when.

"... Mikey?" Raph ventured uncertainly. When Mikey wouldn't respond, he turned to look up at Donnie helplessly. "What do I do?"

"I'm not sure there is much you can do right now, other than being there like you promised," Donnie replied tiredly. "Give him some space, yet be close by for when he's ready."

"Great..." Raph muttered, plunking himself down on the metal ground beside Mikey, his shell making a small clunk as he did. "We weren't shouting and none of it was directed at Mikey so any idea what exactly brought this on?" He asked, his hand hovering mere inches from Mikey's shoulder.

Donnie shook his head sadly, watching as Mikey quivered in place. "None, today's effort was the first time he's even been able to 'talk' and you saw how much that took out of him. Beyond what little we saw and what we've been able to infer, none of us has any idea of any of what he's been through. Which means all we can do is watch how he reacts to things and try to behave accordingly since we have no idea what could set him off," he explained softly.

Leonardo shifted uncomfortably and looked at Raph with haunted eyes, "One thing we have learnt is to be careful not to touch him right now."

"Huh?"

"I uh... discovered the hard way earlier today that Mikey doesn't handle it well if he doesn't know it's coming."

"Really?" Raph said flatly. "You only just realised that?"

Leo and Donnie stared gape jawed at Raph in disbelief.

"Wait! When... when did you realise?" Donnie asked.

"Few days back," Raph shrugged. "That night outside the factory while Leo was scouting was when I knew for sure but I suspected a bit before that."

"And you didn't say anything?" Leo choked out in disbelief. "You didn't think it was something we needed to know?" His voice rose slightly and Mikey pulled in ever tighter on himself, hating himself for how he was acting when it was just his brothers and he was safe with them. Yet he just couldn't help himself and it was all he could do to keep the tears at bay.

"Sorry!" Raph rolled his eyes. "Didn't really have much chance between fighting for our lives and trying to get Mikey back again." He shrugged again. "Kinda had too much on our plates to even think about it since."

Leo sighed despondently, "That's true enough. I still wish one of you had said something sooner, even if it was just of suspicions but I understand. Even beforehand, we didn't really have time to stop and think with trying to put as much distance between us and the Foot as possible."

Donnie nodded guiltily.

"Don?"

He shook his head slowly. "Maybe I didn't realise until the other night but I should have thought of the likelihood sooner based on other evidence."

"That's the second time you've hinted at something today, Don. Care to share?"

"Did they... did they hurt you?"

No!

Still shaking, Mikey shot up and threw himself into Raph's arms, burying himself into his plastron for protection (and the hopes of Donnie being distracted enough not to extrapolate further).

Startled, Raph stared at Leo and Donnie for a moment, wondering what to do. Then tentatively, he wrapped his arms around his quivering brother before tightening his hold when Mikey somehow wriggled closer, desperately seeking protection.

"If Dogpound wasn't already dead, I swear I'd fucking kill that monster!"

-:-


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