Rating: T for occasional language. Also see other warnings.

Disclaimer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all related characters belong to Nickelodeon.

Summary: Bradford has always blamed Michelangelo for his misfortunes and especially for his mutation so when he manages to capture the young ninja, he's going to make sure he knows exactly what it's like. 2k12 AU.

Warning: Warnings for physical and mental torture in this story abound, as well as for implied and highly disturbing situations. Trigger warnings may apply for some chapters. There will not however, be gruesome details. Some things are best left up to the imagination.

Concrit, thoughts and comments always welcomed.


A/N: {text = translated Morse code} [text = translated Japanese]

Any spelling mistakes in Mikey's speech are entirely intentional. if you see any mistakes anywhere else, please let me know :-)

While it's not art for this story, the current Mikey cover art was created by Sampsonknight (you can find her under that name on DA, FFNet, AO3 or sampsonknighttmnt on tumblr) for the Easter 2021 Turtle Wishes. It was too cute not to use and since I have permission, I thought why not XD


Minnie1015 – Heh! Sadly, that's the nature of recovery, especially from trauma. Lot's of ups and downs. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter though, even with me having 'to go wreck it', haha.


How Much is that Turtle in the Window

ch 23

Mikey didn't sleep that day. Instead, he lay there listening to his brothers talk softly among themselves, curling in tighter on himself whenever their talk began to degenerate into another fight before they'd catch themselves and stop.

Finally, they quietened down as Leo and Raph went to bed, squeezing on the other side of the mattress and leaving Donnie to keep watch and work on his hacking project.

He clenched his fingers uncomfortably inside his paws and twisted to face the other way, opening his eyes to see Raph staring closely into his.

Raph gave a small apologetic smile. "Hey, bro, I'm sorry for upsetting you again," he breathed quietly. "I never meant to."

'No,' Mikey blinked. Raph never meant to but he always did anyway and that was the problem.

"I'll try harder to work on the Morse, okay?"

Mikey simply stared at him for several uncomfortable moments and then shrugged. It wasn't about that. He knew Raph was having a hard time. If their positions were reversed, he would have had a hard time understanding too and while Donnie would have been impatient with him, it wouldn't have been as bad as the fallout with Raph since everyone always had such low expectations of him in the first place, unlike with Raph.

No, it wasn't about that and yeah, it hurt that Raphael and to a lesser extent Leonardo, had so much trouble understanding him but he wasn't upset about that. After all, it wasn't like he'd been able to talk for a long time now and he was used to no one understanding what he wanted or needed to say anymore anyway.

What he couldn't handle was the fighting or rather, it was the raised voices and tempers which upset and freaked him out as it was always taken out on him after and it always had been. Whether or not they were even angry at him in the first place.

Raph frowned. "I can't tell if you're upset about me not understanding or something else."

{Else,} he tapped painfully slowly onto the mattress.

"Just the fighting or is there more to it than that?"

{Hai and mor...}

"Okay..." Raph muttered, still frowning as he concentrated intensely on trying to understand the quiet dull dits and dahs. "Want to explain? I'll do my best to listen."

'No,' he blinked. {To hard.} He bit his lip, angling his eyes away from Raphael's face so as to not see the disappointment or hurt.

"Too hard for me to understand or too hard for you to explain?" Raph asked curiously.

{Both,} Mikey answered simply. Besides the fact he wasn't sure how to broach the subject, he had no hope of trying to explain something so long and complicated at a slow enough pace for Raph to follow and even if he did try, both he and Raph would lose track of what he was saying too quickly so there really was no point. He wasn't even sure if he had the ability to explain to Donnie, even if Donnie asked the right questions to lead him on.

Raph reached out towards him, pain in his eyes and Mikey couldn't help but flinch back.

"Sorry, I won't touch you unless you're okay with it."

Right now he wasn't. Not with the residual adrenaline and paranoid fear still coursing through him even hours later and it was ridiculous! They were his brothers and he knew they'd never seriously hurt him! Yet he couldn't shake the feelings that had arisen with their fighting and scathing tones earlier. It wasn't fair to him or them that they had to constantly walk on eggshells around him but he didn't know what to do about it.

He was such a fucking mess now and he couldn't see a way out of it.

"Okay," Raph said sadly, thankfully understanding even if he didn't 'voice' it. "Well, I'm right beside you if you need me. If you need to, wake me up, okay?"

{'k,} Mikey replied, knowing there was no way he ever would. Raph was dangerous when woken unexpectedly. He opened his eyes again to watch as Raph reluctantly closed his to go to sleep.

Not long later, Donnie moved closer to the mattress, speaking softly, "If you want to talk about what's bothering you or even anything else, I'm always available, Mikey."

Mikey shifted to turn his head towards Donnie, blinking no. {Too hard,} he tapped softly onto the mattress.

"Even for me?"

{For me...} Mikey admitted reluctantly.

"Okay."

Eventually, Mikey pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the mattress, then slid to the floor where he could reach the ground better. Tapping on the mattress deadened the sound too much. {Angry an' loud voices scare me,} he finally admitted. Donnie stopped fiddling with his T-phone, turning it off and putting it down to focus wholly on Mikey. {When angry, they always hurt me,} he explained, hunching in on himself in misery.

"Oh, Mikey..." Donnie sighed sadly.

{I no u wuldn't hurt but... still scares,} he shuddered, his eyes squeezed tightly closed. {Still scared, even now. Every...thing scares. Don't want to b hurt nymor, D.}

"Mikey, I'm going to put my arms around you, okay?"

{No...} Mikey whimpered even as he felt Donnie's arm snake around him in a loose, one-armed hug.

"You're not trapped. You can pull free at any moment if it gets too much for you," Donnie promised softly.

{No,} he repeated. His shaking became harder, yet he didn't try to break free.

"You're safe now and we're not going to let anyone hurt you ever again. Leo, Raph and I are here with you and you're safe now," Donnie murmured soothingly. "I promise."

{I no but still scared,} Mikey eventually tapped.

"It's okay to feel scared, they hurt you badly for a very long time," Donnie replied quietly as he slowly rubbed his hand up and down Mikey's arm. "It's going to take more than just a few days to get over something like that."

{How long?} Mikey asked after a time, looking plaintively up at his brother.

"That's something I don't have any answers for. It's different for everyone when recovering from intense trauma. Mikey, I know you don't want to hear this but it could take months, years or even a lifetime to get completely past this. Especially when you have such lasting reminders as you do," Donnie explained, touching the red bandanna still tied to his arm and covering the Foot symbol branded into it.

{Might always feel this way?} Mikey questioned, staring up at Donnie fearfully. {Sick of feeling like this!}

"That's why you have to open up to someone about the things that have happened to you. If you keep it bottled up inside, it will be so much harder to move past it," Donnie explained softly. "And for the record, I said 'completely past this'. Meaning that things will improve if you're willing to work on healing. It may never completely go away but it will get better and you won't have to constantly feel this way."

Mikey looked down at the floor and swallowed thickly, feeling the collar seemingly constrict around his throat yet again.

"You can talk to any one of us or all of us about this. It's your choice who you talk to at any given time but it's something you really should do and the sooner the better."

{But can't talk,} Mikey pointed out flatly. {No voice.}

"Well, that's true but you are doing very well talking with the Morse Code and this works just as well because you are able to say what's on your mind and get it out," Donnie reassured, rubbing his hand gently up and down Mikey's right arm again. "It's the same difference, buddy."

{Then u r only one I cn talk to...}

"For now, perhaps" Donnie admitted reluctantly, "but you know the others are working on it too. If you want to, you can talk to me now and then switch to Leo or Raph later. Heck, you could even switch between us at any time or talk to all of us at once and if you do say something to one of us and don't want us telling the others, all you have to do is let us know and we'll respect your wishes to keep it private."

{'k,} Mikey tapped slowly.

"And in the meantime, if you do need or want to tell Leo or Raph something and they aren't yet capable of understanding, I don't mind acting as an interpreter for you. You know that, right?"

{Hai,} Mikey tapped miserably.

"You're not alone anymore and we won't let you be unless it's what you truly want."

"That's true and even then, you'll have to convince us it's what you really want," Leo suddenly spoke up from behind, making Mikey whip his head around, eyes wide in fright at the unexpected voice.

"And even if it is what you want, then we'll still be close by," Raph added with a small but warm smile. "Whether it's on the mattress beside you or when we get home, in the very next room."

"See?" Donnie smiled, giving Mikey a quick one-armed squeeze. "We're all here and we always will be as long as we draw breath."

Mikey turned his head back to face Donnie again and blinked once up at him in acknowledgement. Then leaning against him, and feeling if not normal then at least better than he had since before the fight, listened sleepily as Donnie explained the gist of what he'd told him to their brothers.

-:-

The following night, Leo and Raph were out, leaving him alone with Donnie. As per the new usual, they had the door to the shipping container open, grateful it faced away from the main part of the ship and were gazing out at the night sky, enjoying the cool breeze caressing their scales after the disgustingly hot day. Donnie's voice was low as he happily pointed out the constellations, telling Mikey of the stories about their origin and Mikey lapped it up, glad he'd asked about them.

He'd never realised just how much he could actually enjoy just listening to Donnie speak as he passionately shared his knowledge. Of course, it helped that he was telling stories of old legends, rather than the dry scientific knowledge Donatello usually thrived on but Mikey decided then and there that if even if that was what he had to listen to to hear Donnie speak, then he'd also have enjoyed that. Even if he couldn't understand it.

After some time, Donnie fell silent and instead they lay side by side on their plastrons, enjoying each other's warmth and presence as they gazed at the horizon, watching the partial-moon rise, a far brighter orange than Mikey had ever seen it and he resolved to ask Donnie about the colour later when they were inside.

Finally, the moon was high enough that it lost its glorious orange hue and Mikey turned to Donnie. {Hey D? Been meening to ask u sumthin'.}

"Hmm? And what's that, Mikey?"

{How do you do punctation in Morse?} he asked seriously.

Donnie gazed at him in amusement. "You want to know about punctuation when you won't even use correct English to spell?"

{It's easier...} Mikey tapped sheepishly. {'specially b'fore.}

"Yes, I understand."

{Don't laf!}

"I'm sorry," Donnie chuckled. "It's just a weird question considering exactly who's asking it."

Mikey huffed indignantly and looked away.

"I'm sorry," Donnie repeated, trying again to school his laughter, "but the short answer is, you don't."

Huh? {Y?}

"Because Morse Code consists of only alphanumerical symbols," Donnie explained.

Mikey stared at him in confusion.

"The letters of the alphabet and numbers. Morse Code doesn't take into account any kind of punctuation which is why people usually don't use contractions within it," Donnie replied seriously. "See? Perfect for you as a secret code," he added in a teasing voice.

Mikey's jaw dropped in disbelief at his brother's attitude. {That's... gotta be killin' u a bit inside, rite?}

"Are you calling me a Grammar Nazi, Mikey?"

{If the shoe fits, bro.}

"Hmph!"

{Sry…} he cringed.

"It's okay, Mikey," Donnie chuckled, reaching out to rub Mikey gently on the head and causing him to wriggle away. "I know I can be occasionally but in all seriousness, it doesn't bother me in this case."

{B'cuz it gives me a way to communikate?} Mikey asked, staring at him and watching for any sign of a lie.

"Partially," Donnie admitted, "but mostly because it's just the way Morse Code was designed. I can look past it so easily because you're using it properly. Well... mostly. Other than the bad spelling, chatspeak and contractions," he added drily.

Mikey smirked slightly.

"However, you can use periods to end sentences if you want to. That's the only kind of punctuation which is used in Morse."

{Yeah? How?} Mikey tapped a little too loudly in his eagerness to learn.

"Simple. Tap out the word 'stop'," Donnie explained softly.

{A hole word?} Mikey pulled a face. {Sux... an' why stop? Why not sumthing shorter?}

"That is short. Another name for a period is a full stop, or stop for short," Donnie explained patiently. "You can use it or not, it's up to you. I can easily infer your sentences regardless by the way you tap the letters out."

Mikey canted his head, looking at Donnie in wonder.

Donnie smiled again and reached out to rest a hand on his nearest paw. "If you are questioning something, your tapping comes across as a bit hesitant. If you are exclaiming something, you tend to tap the final sound a little harder than the rest or a lot harder if you're upset or angry. As for normal sentences. Context, just like if you were speaking aloud like anyone else. Simple. So as I said, it's up to you. I'm not going to penalise you or get mad either way and as for Leo and Raph, well, why confuse matters for them even more. You haven't done it so far and unless they've seen something on old TV shows or movies, they won't even be aware of it."

{'k. Won't do it then,} Mikey replied, relaxing somewhat. He turned back his gaze to the ocean and sky in front, marvelling at how pretty it all was.

Suddenly a bright flash of blue light flew across the sky and gasping, Mikey jumped, his heart racing at the sight. His eyes flickered frantically from side to side, looking desperately for where the threat came from.

"A meteorite," Donnie said softly and Mikey turned to stare at him in disbelief. "Bigger and brighter than usual and did you see the thick fuzzy tail it had?" he continued, his voice full of awe. "Amazing!"

{Is safe?} Mikey asked shakily.

"Oh definitely," Donnie chuckled. "The chances of being hit by a meteorite, or shooting star in layman's terms, is one in one point six million. You know, we saw the odd meteorite while we were searching for you in Japan but I've never had the chance to just sit and watch the night sky like this. It's both relaxing and fascinating. Did you watch it much while you were... uh... gone?"

{Hai. Was only time I got peace,} Mikey admitted, forcing himself back down onto his plastron and willing his still racing heart to slow. {But nvr saw anythin' like that.}

"No wonder you were so desperate to come out here at night if you associate it with peace," Donnie mused.

{Not night, night sky,} Mikey corrected, tapping as softly as he could. Night in the kennel itself could be terrifying to the point he only slept in there when forced to by the weather or called or dragged back inside against his will.

"I see..." Donnie muttered. "Do you wa…" he cut himself off as Mikey suddenly sat up, looking in the direction the wind was coming from. "What's wrong?" he murmured quietly.

Mikey reached over and rested a paw on Donnie's leg and tapped, {Nside!} before backing as quietly as he could inside, his metal paws making only the slightest of ticking sounds as they touched the corrugated floor.

Donnie followed, pulling the door closed behind them and Mikey reached over again, this time tapping against his foot. {Sumone strange up here.}

"At night?" Donnie breathed, his eyes wide in the darkness.

{Hai,} Mikey shuddered. They were quiet. Their shipping container faced the ocean, not the ship and they never had the light on when the door was open. If the door was closed when any wandering brothers came back, they tapped a signal so whoever was left with Mikey knew to turn the light off. No one should have noticed them unless... {L an R ok?} he tapped worriedly against Donnie's foot. If they were discovered then someone might come searching but otherwise, what reason did anyone have to come up here at night?

Donnie reached for Mikey's arm in the dark, wincing as he felt his shaking brother stiffen and tapped silently against his arm. {Leo and Raph will be fine and even if they were found they would never give away our location or even the fact that we are aboard.}

Mikey relaxed slightly at Donnie's reassurance and watched in the direction of the door intently, jumping when a knock sounded. Instinct bade him to grab at Donnie but it was impossible with those hateful paws so he settled for leaning into his brother in fear.

[Bradford-sama? Are you there?] a man's concerned voice called out.

{Hide behind the crates,} Donnie tapped carefully on Mikey's arm.

{No, stay w u,} Mikey tapped back, shaking in rising terror.

[Bradford-sama?]

{Hide, M. Will b ok,} Donnie repeated quickly, insistent.

{'k} Mikey tapped back reluctantly, the urgency of Donnie's words hitting him through their unusual brevity. He pulled away from his brother and made his way towards the crates as quickly as he could and yet remain silent in the total darkness. He was halfway there when he heard the door begin to open and his heart leapt into his throat as he picked up speed, wincing at the small ticking sounds from the metal on metal. The door opened wide and Mikey dashed behind the crates, whirling and peeking around to see the shadow of a person of average height standing in the doorway. A shudder of fear tore through him.

A torch flicked on in their hand and they shone it around the shipping container.

[Bradford-sama? Are you alright? I have not heard from you since the Umi Ryuu left port.]

Mikey clenched his fingers as he flinched and hunkered down away from the searching light. Someone on board knew his Alpha... no, he shook his head rapidly and corrected himself, tormentor... was on board and had expected to hear from him? Was this guy Foot or just paid off by them? Oh god... if he was Foot he was in so much trouble! This guy would recapture and chain him up again and he'd go back to being a helpless dog of the Foot again! He cried out silently in terror at the thought. He couldn't do it! He'd rather die than go back to that shitty life! Why wasn't there anyone to help him!

The man stepped inside hesitantly, looking around as he did and Mikey scrambled backwards in blind panic.

[Who's there? Is that you, Spot?]

He knew his name! No! Mikey cried out again, the only sound the harshness of breath escaping his throat.

[It's alright, Spot.] the man soothed in a disturbingly familiar tone, [If something has happened to Bradford-sama, I will make sure you are fed and watered until your masters can take charge of you in New...]

A sudden solid thunk followed by something hitting the floor resounded through the container and Mikey threw himself to the ground, curling up in a tight ball and whimpering to himself in terror. Why weren't they here? They promised to always be here!

"Mikey?... Mikey! It's alright now."

Suddenly there were hands on his shoulders, grabbing at him and he freaked. "Get off me!" he screamed, soundless other than his harsh, panting breath. "Leave me alone! Please!" he sobbed.

The hands left and Mikey scrabbled away until his shell hit something solid and it crashed down around him with a heavy wooden clatter. He curled up again, this time with his shell to the fallen object and buried his head in his arms as he shuddered in terror.

"Hey, hey, Mikey, it's okay. You're safe now, I promise," the voice repeated soothingly. "It's just me, Donatello. I took care of the man who entered and you're safe."

Donatello? No! He was lying! His brothers were far away, safe back in New York and they weren't coming for him because it was too dangerous and impossible for them to leave the country just for him.

"Michelangelo! I need you to look at me!" the lying voice called again, more demanding than before.

No! Nonononono! He didn't want to look! He didn't want to see them, he couldn't! Mikey gasped, fighting against the pull to obey, too terrified to look but also too terrified to disobey. Why couldn't this nightmare ever be over!

[Michelangelo! Look at me!] the voice demanded again and he stiffened at the command in Japanese, his shaking becoming all the more uncontrollable. [Spot!]

His mouth opened as he silently cried out again and unable to resist any longer, he looked up through tear-filled eyes to see a frantic Donatello in the dim light, right in front of him at eye level.

Donnie? It was... really Donnie? He was actually here?

No! It had to be a trick! They'd drugged him again and made him believe in things that weren't there just to hurt him. Again!

"Mikey, it's really me. It's okay," Donnie insisted anxiously. "I told you I won't let anyone hurt you again and I didn't. I knocked the human out. He can't hurt you."

D-Donnie... Sobbing hysterically, Mikey launched himself forward into his brother's protective embrace, praying he wasn't making a huge mistake and to his relief, he felt strong, warm, familiar arms wrap around him, drawing him close.

"It's okay now. You're okay," Donnie soothed quietly over and over as Mikey scrabbled to get even closer. "I promise you, he can't hurt you now," he continued to repeat, rubbing a hand gently over his shell in slow, soothing motions and slowly, Mikey felt himself begin to calm down until eventually he was just sniffling in his brother's embrace and getting snot all over him.

Then, he heard soft footsteps and Mikey panicked again, pulling away from Donnie and into a ball, peeping in fright through a small gap in his arms.

"What happened?" Raph asked, staring down at them in shock.

"And who is this?" Leonardo asked coldly, turning on his heel just inside the open door and stepping over to crouch down by the lifeless body near it.

"I don't know, Leo," Donnie replied tightly before looking to Raph.

Mikey fought to regain control of himself, managing to uncurl enough to pull his way back to Donnie who took him in his arms again.

"He came looking for Dogpound. Knew his name and the awful name they called Mikey, too," Donnie explained quietly. "Mikey knew he was coming so we came back inside and closed the door but the human opened it and walked straight in after calling for Bradford and getting no reply," he said, rubbing his hands soothingly against Mikey's shell once more in an effort to calm him.

"Did he get to Mikey?" Leo asked in a hard voice as Raph pulled the door closed before going to switch the light on.

"No," Donnie replied evenly, shaking his head. "I told Mikey to hide behind the crates, then laid in wait and knocked him out after he stepped inside. Unfortunately, he spoke first, saying some things that I believe had Mikey panicking."

"I see."

"So he's not dead then?" Raph asked, cracking his knuckles as he moved towards the fallen human.

"Of course not! What do you take me for?" Donnie retorted in annoyance.

"Someone who wants to keep his brother safe?" Raph snapped, drawing a sai and pointing it threateningly at the unconscious human.

"A dead man can tell no secrets!" Donatello replied in a condescending tone. "What if there are more people aboard that knew about Dogpound and Mikey being here? If I killed him, we wouldn't be able to interrogate him and find out if we're in further danger or not!"

Mikey cringed against his brother.

"You'd risk Mikey's safety on the off chance of getting some stupid information?" Raph asked in disbelief. "Look at him! He's terrified!"

"Probably more so since we're starting to fight amongst ourselves in front of him again," Leo put in evenly. "No, Raph, Donnie is right. We need to know who else knows about this and why exactly he came looking for Dogpound."

"He said he hadn't heard from him since the ship left port," Donnie offered more calmly than he felt. "We know Dogpound left the container after night had fallen. Perhaps it was habit."

{Hai,} Mikey shakily tapped against Donnie's shell.

"Was that yes to it being a habit, Mikey?" Donnie asked softly.

{Hai... Did ever...y day on first,} Mikey sniffled, hiccuping and gasping lightly. {For air.}

"While leaving you trapped inside in the suffocating heat, I suppose."

{H...ai.}

"Just like when we found you here?" Donnie questioned, his voice hard with anger.

Mikey didn't answer. He couldn't. It wasn't as bad the first time as the second if only because he wasn't forced to remain standing while concussed and injured or prevented from going to the toilet until commanded. In every other way though, it had been far worse.

"We're going to talk about this later, Mikey," Donnie promised softly and Mikey curled up tighter against him, cringing at the thought. "You need to talk about things and we need to know what happened so we can help you."

But he didn't want to! Living through it once was bad enough! Why should he have to live through it again? Why would they make him?

And oh god! What would his brothers think of him when they learnt how he'd given up and of the punishments and humiliation he went through...

He took a long, shuddering breath in.

He was such a disgrace, not even useful enough to be a Foot dog as Master Hakuba kept telling him over and over.

"Tell me what you're thinking, Mikey," Donnie suddenly pleaded. "Talk to me."

No, he couldn't but neither could he stay in the safety of his brother's arms any longer either. He didn't deserve to remain in the safety of his arms...

Quickly, he pulled free and intending to run to the hidden corner turned, baulking at the sight that met him.

Several crates were knocked over, exposing the formerly private corner and making it difficult to traverse over regardless.

Seeing it hopeless, he slumped in resignation and turned again, surveying his prison. Against his will, his gaze fell on the human laying by the door and his fear spiked anew, forcing him to take a half step backwards.

"It's okay, Mikey," Leo immediately soothed. "Donnie tied him up before going to help you."

Mikey glanced fearfully up at Donnie who smiled comfortingly at him; that explained where his mask went... Then Mikey rushed away, heading for the nearest accessible corner, which was unfortunately still in full view, and pressed himself into it.

"Well, this seems like a really bright idea," Raph groused sarcastically.

"We need the intelligence if we hope to make it back safely," Leo frowned, looking in Mikey's direction. "We need to put those crates back. Once we do, we'll keep the prisoner out of sight and one of us will guard him at all times until we get what we need."

"And then what?"

"I'll make my decision at that time," Leo said firmly. Mikey saw him reach out to the human and test his bonds. Then seemingly satisfied, "Donnie, Raph, rebuild the wall while I keep an eye on him," he commanded.

"Right," Donnie swallowed. He stood and reached for the first crate before halting, gazing at Raph expectantly as he waited for him to come help.

Raph, for his part, glared challengingly at Leo. "Why don't you go he..." then trailed off as he followed Leo's gaze to land on Mikey and all the fight went out of him. "Right... don't argue or fight in front of Mikey... Hang on a sec, I'm coming, Don."

-:-


True fact – The meteorite Mikey and Donnie saw is based on one I saw in real life. Depending on weather and the day the peak night falls on, my housemate and I go for a drive out to whoopwhoop, far from the city lights to watch the annual Geminids Meteor Shower. One year, we saw a meteorite exactly like that. It was amazing and I only wish I'd been taking photo footage at the time to catch it XD

Don't forget to let me know what you think :-)