Rating: T for occasional language. Also see other warnings.
Disclaimer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and all related characters belong to Nickelodeon.
Summary: Bradford has always blamed Michelangelo for his misfortunes and especially for his mutation so when he manages to capture the young ninja, he's going to make sure he knows exactly what it's like. 2k12 AU.
Warning: Warnings for physical and mental torture in this story abound, as well as for implied and highly disturbing situations. Trigger warnings may apply for some chapters. There will not however, be gruesome details. Some things are best left up to the imagination.
T420000: I'm sorry you feel that way. While I do plan to have some time skips in the nearish future, I'm not quite there yet.
BlingThing: Welcome back :-) The problem of the collar will be readdressed this chapter and more problems in following chapters, including an unexpected one *cough cough*. As for the problem with Mikey's voice, that may take a little longer as there are other things more immediate and... Mikey still hasn't told Donnie what happened. He's tried a couple of times but been interrupted both times...
Minnie1015: Yeah, with Mikey slowly getting his independence back, he's going to want it back and Leo and Raph better get used to that real fast XD
Wheres my cheese catnoir: Here you go!
How Much is that Turtle in the Window
ch 37
"How's he doing?" Donnie suddenly asked as Leo finally began winding down their session. Mikey wasn't sure why since he knew his brother had been watching them for at least ten minutes now and would have been able to tell for himself.
"Really well," Leo replied proudly. Mikey frowned, unsure what there was to be proud of either. "Even though he's obviously tired, he's refused to give up or ask for a break. We're stopping now, though."
Donnie nodded and walked over. "Good. As I said, I don't want Mikey pushing himself too much, too fast." He stopped and crouched down in front of a suddenly wary Mikey and smiled gently. "How are you feeling, buddy?"
Mikey hung his head to show exhausted, then looked plaintively up at Donnie from his position on the floor. He reached up his hands to touch the collar still flush against his neck.
"Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Donnie admitted quietly.
{I'm calm now,} Mikey pleaded desperately. {Pls?}
Sitting down in front of him, Donnie canted his head at Mikey, studying him. "How about you tell me what happened yesterday? Why you panicked and what triggered that flashback."
Mikey stiffened and his stomach clenched in fear.
"If I don't know what happened, how can we avoid it happening again?" Donnie asked calmly, reasonably.
Mikey clenched his eyes closed. {If I tell u tho, then I won't b calm anymor.}
"Maybe not right now but what are the chances of you remaining calm if I were to try again right now?"
He hated it when Donnie was right about these kinds of things. Mikey cast an anxious glance at Leo and Raph.
"Do you want us to leave?" Leo asked gently, shifting as if getting ready to jump to his feet and leave the room.
{No!} Mikey tapped wildly. He rolled slightly onto all fours and crawled quickly over to Leo, leaning into him for comfort. Leo immediately placed one arm around him, tugging him into a half hug.
"Mikey, I understand you don't want to talk about this but I can't remove that collar if there's a risk of hurting you in the process," Donnie pleaded. "I couldn't live with myself if something went wrong."
{So I'll b stuck with it for life?} Mikey trembled, reaching one hand up again and shuddering at the touch of the cold, rough metal.
"No! No, of course not," Donnie burst out, horrified by the suggestion. "However, it would mean finding another way and that will take time."
Mikey lowered his gaze to instead stare at the rug Donnie sat on.
"I don't want to leave that... that thing on you any longer than necessary so please, Mikey, help me out, tell me what happened," Donnie begged. He leant forward and took one of Mikey's mangled hands. "Did you flashback to them putting it on you?"
Mikey shuddered again. {No. Worse. Tho that was bad enuff.}
"Then talk to me, Mikey."
Mikey took as deep a breath as the damn collar allowed and tried not to choke from the constriction around his throat. He tugged his hand away from Donnie, holding it up between them. {The heat,} he explained reluctantly with his other hand, {reminded me of wen they put the paws on.}
Donnie gasped in horror and Mikey even felt Leo's arm tighten involuntarily, drawing him closer.
"What?" Raph demanded in frustration, head whipping frantically between Donnie and Leo. "What did he say?"
{Was so hot,} Mikey whimpered silently, clenching his eyes closed again and shaking within Leo's protective hold. {Hurt so much. Begged them to stop but said wud take me bak to her if kept trying to talk like a... a person...}
"To Mai?" Donnie asked gently.
Mikey somehow clenched his eyes even tighter.
{Saw welding rod and knew wud hurt so refused to coperate so that's when he... bro...ke my hand, then they welded it inside anyway. Was so hot, D,} Mikey tapped, gasping for breath as fresh tears streamed down his face. Leo's hold on him tightened slightly again. {Hurt so much!}
"It would do," Donnie said sympathetically. "What about your other hand? Why was that one broken as well?" he asked, his voice sounding like it was on the verge of breaking too.
{Punishment... for disobaying and fighting bak,} Mikey tapped tiredly after pulling himself together enough to continue. {After... my first hand was broken, I j...ust put in the paw but... Alpha pulled it out and smashed it with the hammer anyway. Told me he sed I wudn't like the concequences if I didn't do as told.}
"Of course he did," Donnie muttered angrily, nausea obvious on his face when Mikey risked a peek at him. "And the heat from the laser against the collar made you relive all that?"
{Hai,} Mikey replied miserably, curling closer into Leo who gently began slowly rubbing his hand up and down Mikey's arm to comfort him.
"Monsters!" Donnie spat furiously. "Absolute monsters! It's a wonder your hands didn't become infected and make you sick after that mistreatment"
{They did.}
"What?" Donnie asked too sharply, causing Mikey to cringe again.
{That's when Mas... Hak...uba forced me to take pain pills so I cud walk on them. Nerly died. Mai saved me but sed I was unconchus for days. She treated my hands as best she cud but were still stuck in those paws,} Mikey explained. He turned to bury his face in his brother's plastron.
There was silence for a few moments then Donnie quietly translated for the benefit of their brothers who couldn't keep up with him.
"I'll kill them!" Raph snarled. "I'm going back on the next damn ship and I'm going to go fucking kill them!"
"No you aren't," Leo stated firmly, though his tone sounded like he very much wanted to do nothing more than join Raph.
Raph growled furiously and Mikey felt certain he was going to rush out the door right that second. Trembling violently and afraid Raph would, he clutched tighter at Leo in near-panic.
"Mikey needs us here, with him," Leo insisted, wrapping his other arm around Mikey and rubbing at his shell. "Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I want to go back and finish the job as well but we're needed here, at home, helping Mikey to heal."
"Right," Donnie nodded, sounding as though he'd swallowed a lemon whole and was currently choking on it.
{D...o...gpound and Three are dead already anyway,} Mikey tentatively tapped on Leo's carapace, the sound barely audible as he shakily leant into his brother, desperately soaking up the support Leo offered.
"Right," Donnie agreed in a tight voice, "and I have the name of a third and part of a fourth. I'll find them, all without having to leave home to chase them down."
"And then what?" Raph spat derisively, "What will you do with that? Send them threatening emails? The authorities won't do anything for us! We don't exist, remember and we aren't part of human society so no one will give a damn about justice for any of us! Just having their names will do jack shit!"
"Raphael, enough!" Leo snapped sharply as Mikey stiffened in his arms. Then softer, "We have more important things to worry about right now than revenge, much as I wish it were otherwise. We need to focus on things here, on healing the damage done to our family. Further down the track when things are better we can worry about revenge. One way or another, that option will always be there." He hesitated a few moments, then added, "And by waiting, we give Mikey the chance to join us too, if he wants to."
Mikey shifted, staring up at Leo in shock and disbelief. He never wanted to see any of those people again! Too afraid of how he'd react if he did. Leo smiled down at him as he continued trying to soothe him.
"It would be entirely your choice, little brother and not something we have to think about now, or for a long time," Leo promised quietly. "It's just something to revisit down the track when you're healed. No pressure, okay?"
''k,' Mikey blinked tearfully.
"Okay, Raph?" Leo asked just as softly, turning his head towards their hot-headed brother.
"Yeah," Raph grumbled unhappily.
-:-
After a long break consisting of a nap in the dojo where Mikey felt comfortable and some sliced up fruit for a mid-morning snack, Leo supervised him while he practised getting around on the crutches. To Mikey's delight, while he did have a little trouble getting his hands around the grips and getting to his feet in the first place, he quickly adapted to moving around the lair using them. So much so that Leo relaxed and just let him be without hovering too closely. Either Leo or Raph was there whenever he left the room, however, but true to their word, they waited outside when he went to the bathroom and listened for his signal upon wanting out again.
Finally, after lunch and an afternoon session of rehab, Mikey cautiously approached Donnie where he was holed up in his lab.
{Hey, D,} he began, unwrapping his fingers from the handle of his left crutch and tapping on the metal plate installed for communication purposes. He awkwardly sat down in the spare chair and stared anxiously at his brother.
"What's up, Mikey?" Donnie asked, turning and smiling faintly at him. "Are you okay?"
'Yeah,' Mikey blinked. {I had a relly gud idea.}
Donnie raised his eyebrow ridges questioningly and turned away from his laptop to face him fully. "What's that?"
{I relly want this off,} Mikey motioned towards his neck, {an' I no it's to dangerus so...}
"So what?" Donnie prompted quietly. "Did you change your mind about being sedated?"
Mikey fidgeted nervously, then, {Paralise me. Pressure points. Then I can't move.}
Donnie's face fell. "While that would work in theory, the psychological damage doing something like that could cause would be astronomical," he explained sadly. "You could still end up panicking and having flashbacks and you'd be helpless to move or escape. Worse, it might cause you to become afraid of me or even all of us."
Mikey snorted in disbelief. {Never!} he tapped emphatically. {I trust u with my life an' I could nvr b afraid of u,} he insisted, staring at Donnie with pleading eyes.
"Now that's a lie," Donnie said drily. "There've been plenty of times you've been afraid of one or all of us recently."
The guilt bubbled to the surface and Mikey looked away, embarrassed by the reminder. {Yeh, but... it nvr lasted, rite?} he begged desperately.
"That's true," Donnie admitted carefully, "but those were different circumstances. On those occasions, it was caused by unthinking and accidental actions, like our arguing, for example. However, if I were to do as you suggest now, I would be knowingly and deliberately frightening you whether it was my intention to or not and a part of you would be aware of that and affected by it. I can't do that to you, Mikey."
Mikey hung his head and tapped slowly, {Relly want it off, D. I need it off}
Donnie nodded sympathetically. "And I want to help you. If you'll let me..."
{Pls, D, please,} Mikey tapped, looking up and catching Donnie's sad gaze. {I'll b ok. Just need it off so I can breathe and swallow proply again.}
Donnie's expression was heartbroken. "Mikey..."
{Long as I'm not drugged,} he begged. {U got no idea how many times I was helpless to move while she did stuff...}
Donnie's face hardened. "And that's precisely what I'm afraid..."
{Times I was drugged were so much worse than when tied down an' at least if u paralised me, I no I'd be able to move again as soon as it's over... I trust you, D. It wud b better.}
Donnie sighed, "If you gave me chance to work out what's in that lock, I could engineer a solvent..."
{Pls, D,} Mikey pleaded desperately, {Need it off now! Having it makes me feel like I'm still a dog. Like sumone can just attach a leash on me again an' control me.}
Donnie cringed at the reminder of what he'd been forced to do several times back in the Aokigahara. "I really don't like this idea, Mikey but... alright," he reluctantly acquiesced with a sigh and Mikey sat up straighter in excitement. "Can I at least ask either Leo or Raph to sit with you and try to keep you grounded?"
{Pls!} Mikey replied, relieved at the thought of his brothers by his side and helping him through this.
Still looking as though he was sucking on something sour, Donnie stood and began walking away, "Alright then," he said unhappily, "wait here. I'll... go get our brothers."
{Ty, D!} Mikey tapped in relief, watching as his brother left the room. Within moments, the excitement over finally getting the collar removed faded and he stared nervously about the lab. It was okay when Donnie was here but otherwise, the room, with all its equipment, disturbed him now. Which was crazy, he realised in frustration. He'd always loved hanging out in Donnie's lab before, talking to his brother, poking at things, playing with other things whether Donnie sanctioned or not. Yes, he'd annoyed his brother as often as not, he remembered guiltily but there were many times Donnie was glad for the company and even set up some stuff for him to play with, whether just to keep him busy or to test how Mikey-resistant some new device he'd just built was.
Now though, after his experiences with Mai, not to mention in the smithy with Haruto, the room creeped him out. Big time! It looked nothing like the vet surgery or the Foot lab and yet he felt uncomfortable like someone was going to come at him at any moment to hurt him again, whether by taking a sample from him or by testing something on him or humiliating or taunting him.
Shuddering, Mikey worked to push himself up and follow Donnie. Once on his feet and wobbling like a drunkard, he fumbled at the crutches, trying to get a grip on them.
"HE WANTS TO WHAT?"
Mikey jumped, cringing at the loud voice and dropping the crutches in his fright.
"Raph, will you calm down?" Donnie asked in exasperation, more than loud enough for Mikey to clearly hear.
Dismayed, Mikey stared down at the crutches on the ground, swallowing uncomfortably. Then, holding onto the nearby table to steady himself as best he could, crouched down on incredibly shaky legs to fumble at one of them. He could still hear his brothers talking, Leo now, but the volume was low enough he couldn't make out the words.
Shaking his head wildly, he did his best to block them out as he stretched for the first of the crutches with fingertips that refused to unfurl. Gritting his teeth, he shifted his focus to instead touching the bottom of the V section and sliding the crutch along the floor, closer to him, where he finally managed to hook his fingers around the handle.
"Oh my god! Mikey!" Donnie cried, rushing over and snatching the crutch from him and righting it. "I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have left you alone but I told you to wait right here. Are you... are you alright?" he asked, sounding mildly panicked as he grabbed at the second crutch and likewise lifted it to lean against the nearby lab bench.
Mikey gazed at Donnie in a mixture of frustration and relief at not being alone in here anymore, even as hands curled beneath his armpits to lift him upright.
{I cud have dun it,} he tapped petulantly once Leo and Raph lowered him back into the chair. {Nerly had it!}
Donnie at least had the decency to look abashed. Then again, Mikey wasn't sure if his other brothers even realised what he said.
"I know but the point is you shouldn't have had to because I shouldn't have left you alone."
{U were just in the next room,} Mikey pointed out. God but he hated how they made him feel so helpless and useless... how he was so helpless and useless... {I cud hear u an' the door was open.}
Donnie nodded uncomfortably. Their new rule was that no doors in the lair were to be kept shut if they had a handle that needed turning. The only exception was the storage room since the cutout of Bradford was now in there and no one, least of all Mikey himself, wanted to accidentally stumble across it again.
"And yet I still shouldn't have left you in here alone, especially after what happened the last time I left you alone," Donnie insisted, his voice dripping with shame.
Mikey stared up at him, jaw agape. {U do... can't blame yourself for that, D, not your fault. U were trying to help L an' R.}
"They didn't need my help, you did and you almost died because I left you."
{Might've still happened even if u were there, D,} Mikey tapped desperately.
Donnie gave him a small, sad smile, "But it wouldn't have been as bad."
{Don't no that!} Mikey tapped furiously, {An' 'sides, fine now!}
"Are you?" Donnie asked softly, crouching down in front of his chair to look him directly in the eyes, "You're still getting headaches."
Mikey shrugged and scoffed, {That's nothing new. Not sure there's been any time wasn't hurting one way or another,} he pointed out, then froze as he caught the sharp look from his brother.
"Do you mean just on the ship or since you were captured?"
Now both Leo and Raph were zeroed in on him and Mikey floundered.
"What did he say, Donnie?" Leo asked.
"Something about always being hurt one way or another," Donnie replied, gritting his teeth, eyes fixed unerringly upon him, "and I want Mikey to answer my question."
Seriously? Surely they had to know the Foot were constantly hurting him. Unlike him, they weren't idiots! However, from their expressions, there was no way they were letting this go. {Since captured,} Mikey tapped reluctantly, {so a little headache is nothing,} he added, trying to desperately reassure his brothers. Too bad that while the Morse Code was useful in that it allowed him to talk to them again, it didn't really convey emotions the way his voice once did.
Donnie suddenly sat on the floor, his eyes closed in pain. "Of course, you were..." he muttered, voice full of pain, "but that doesn't make this right. Please understand, Mikey, just because you're used to worse doesn't mean that it's okay if you're hurt or hurting now."
Mikey shuffled forward on his chair and reached out to touch Donnie's face gently with folded over fingers. When Donnie opened his eyes to look at him, he tapped slowly and awkwardly with his other hand, {Maybe, bro but it's ok. I forgive u for leaving me. I didn't like it but I wanted u to go get L and R to. Wanted u all safe but u nerly died to.}
Donnie shuddered at the reminder of his own close call and Leo and Raph, Leo having whispered to Raph what Mikey said, shifted closer to lay comforting hands on both brothers.
{Just glad u made it back, bro. Dunno wot I wud have dun if u didn't,} Mikey continued, tapping softly. {Wud've been without my best friend an' translater an' still been stuck with those paws, that's for sure.}
Donnie shook his head in denial, "Leo and Raph would have come through for you. It just may have taken a little longer," he choked.
Raph coughed as Leo smiled sadly.
"Let's be honest here, more like a lot longer," Leo admitted reluctantly.
"But still, you would have found a way sooner or later," Donnie protested, staring up at Leo and willing him to agree for Mikey's sake if nothing else.
"I think this arguing and self guilt-tripping isn't getting us anywhere," Leo said gently and Mikey turned wide eyes on him. Leo then turned to Mikey. "Are you sure you want to go through with this? Being paralysed with pressure points while Donnie cuts through that collar?"
{Hai!} Mikey tapped emphatically. The idea didn't really sit well with him but it was far better than the alternatives were.
"Wouldn't it be better if we knocked you out with them instead?"
Mikey shuddered in horror. {Can't!} May as well sedate him and that was a terrifying thought. {'sides, u know nocking sumone out with pressure points doesn't keep them out. Paralise is better,} he tapped slowly.
Leo nodded, reluctantly, "You're right, unfortunately. There'd be no guarantee of you staying unconscious long enough for Donnie to complete the job. However, you probably would as it would only take a few minutes, right?"
"Right," Donnie confirmed confidently. "Five minutes at the absolute most."
{Can we pls just hurry up an' do this?} Mikey asked, staring pleadingly from one brother to the next.
"Ye-yes of course," Donnie agreed uncomfortably.
"We just want to give you the chance to back out. Doing this is insane, you know!" Raph growled unhappily.
Yeah, he knew that even before Donnie tried to talk him out of it earlier. He swallowed nervously and stared down at the floor. {Do I have to b on the table? Can I lie on the floor instead?}
"It would be better if you were on the bench," Donnie stated firmly, then hesitated as he caught the look in Mikey's eyes. "B-but I see no reason you can't lay down on the floor this time."
{Ty!} Mikey tapped, the relief he felt palpable and making him slump in place.
"Raph, go get a couple of blankets and lay them out on top of each other in the middle of the floor," Donnie commanded, whirling in place to survey his laboratory.
"Wouldn't a mattress be better?" Leo asked curiously.
"No. Our mattresses are too old and soft. Even paralysed, there'd be too much risk of movement, of him sinking into the mattress and shifting as a result," Donnie replied distantly as he strode across the room to get his equipment ready.
Mikey watched with trepidation as Donnie plugged in the laser and collected his Kraang tech scanner. He pulled over a small table on wheels, placing his laptop on top of it and booting it up. As Raph came back with the blankets, laying them out where Donnie indicated, Donnie loaded up a program and connected his scanner to it. Then, he turned around, a faintly worried smile on his face.
"Alright, this is your last chance to back out."
Not a chance! He wanted this over and done with. For an answer, Mikey pushed himself to his feet with Leo hovering worriedly and grabbed at the first crutch awkwardly. Leo passed the second to him, holding it steady as he gripped onto it before making his way to the blankets and easing himself down, falling the last part of the way as his still too-weak legs gave out on him.
"Mikey!"
{I'm good!} he tapped quietly against the blanket. {Promis!}
"Alright, though maybe next time, one of us can help you down instead," Leo said firmly.
{No need,} Mikey scoffed. {Nees tuff.} Though he did feel slightly guilty at the vaguely ill looks on his brothers' faces. {Promis, I'm ok,} he insisted before laying down on his plastron and turning his head to the side.
"This is crazy!" Raph repeated loudly. "Are you two really going to let him go through with this?"
"It's Mikey's choice," Leo said uncomfortably, sitting down beside Mikey. He took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Mikey smiled gratefully at him.
"Besides, I don't see how we have much other choice," Donnie added stiffly as he finished his preparations. "I need to take that collar off so he can breathe properly again among other reasons and you know how he feels about drugs." Donnie paused and took a deep breath. "Leo, do you mind?" he asked.
Leo nodded and releasing Mikey's hand, rose to his knees. A second later, Mikey felt multiple quick jabs as Leo immobilised him. He surreptitiously tested trying to move his arm, his head, his legs but nothing happened. Instead, everything felt weirdly numb. He could still feel but he felt disconnected from his body and despite knowing what was happening, it reminded him a little too much of whatever Mai often drugged him with and he felt the panic begin to bubble up inside. Suddenly, he felt his hand taken again, then the other, as Leo and Raph sat beside him.
"It's okay, we're here," Leo soothed in a calm, quiet voice.
Mikey flicked his eyes toward him, seeing the caring smile on his face and immediately felt better. This wasn't like what Mai did to him at all. His thoughts were clear where that drug always made them fuzzy, making everything hard to focus on. He tried uselessly to shift a finger, gave up and instead blinked. {I'm ok.}
Leo squeezed his hand again but it was clear by the expression in his eyes that he was frustrated with not understanding him so Mikey closed his eyes instead, a sign of trust and apparently relaxation, though to be honest, he was anything but relaxed, especially as he felt the metal against his neck begin to heat up again as Donnie set to work.
His heart began to beat faster and Mikey chanted silently to himself, 'It's okay, it's coming off. I'm not back there, I'm safe at home with Donnie, Leo and Raph.'
"You're doing good, Mikey," Raph suddenly spoke warmly from the side Mikey couldn't see. "Donnie's nearly done so we'll have that off you real soon."
Not soon enough.
Suddenly, Haruto stood in front him and he watched in disbelief and terror as the Foot blacksmith slowly lowered the welding rod, a sadistic smile in place. Mikey squeezed his eyes tight again, attempting to block him and the memory out. Dogpound chuckled cruelly as he twisted the chain connected to his collar.
"Michelangelo, open your eyes and look at me," a voice commanded, forcing his eyes to snap open again. "Mikey!"
Michelangelo. Mikey. He was Michelangelo, not Spot. He wasn't back there, he was safe at home in the lair with his brothers.
He stared up at Leo desperately, pleading for it to be over. If he could move, he knew he'd be trembling. His hand on his other side moved, lifting and pressing against a plastron – Raph's - even as Leo smiled calmly at him.
"It's okay. You're home, safe with us, Mikey," Leo repeated firmly, gently stroking the back of his hand with his fingers. "Just be brave for another couple of minutes."
Mikey swallowed and tried to nod, a fresh well of fear surging through him as he realised he couldn't.
And not just because he was currently paralysed but because it had been instilled in him not to for fear of pain and punishment. And he hated them for that! For taking away his basic human rights as though he was only the animal he'd been hatched as. His freedom, his voice, his ability to communicate. Dogpound had already paid the ultimate price and he hadn't been able to have anything to do with that. Same with Three but though he hadn't been able to strike the final blow that finished him, he'd at least found the courage to stand up to that monster for the sake of his brother but as for his other tormentors? As for Shredder who'd ordered all this in the first place? At that moment, Mikey wanted them to pay so much and not at anyone else's hand but his. He shouldn't have to live in fear like this but what could he do?
He was helpless and afraid.
All the damn time.
Suddenly, Leonardo dropped his hand and Mikey gazed up at him in betrayal, only to feel several quick jabs as the paralysis was reversed, leaving him free to move again at last.
Mikey flexed his fingers and toes before pushing himself shakily to his knees, leaving the hated collar open on the blanket beneath him. Bearing his teeth, Mikey growled at the thing before Donnie snatched it up and took it from his view. Leo and Raph immediately both moved in toward him, engulfing him in their warm, strong arms.
"It's okay, little brother, you're finally free now."
-:-
