Chapter 3

Elizabeth Weir sat in her office and looked up at Rodney McKay, standing before her desk. Four days had passed since the incident in the lab but Dr Beckett had only today released Rodney from the infirmary, after a barrage of tests had failed to discover any physical reason for McKay's behaviour. Dr Heightmeyer's report, however, had given some cause for concern and Elizabeth had not been looking forward to this meeting.

She replied to McKay's question in the only way that she could. "I'm sorry, Rodney, but the answer has to be no."

"Why?" McKay crossed his arms over his chest. His whole body language was defensive, but Elizabeth could see the thin sheen of sweat on his high forehead and she had a distinct feeling that the crossed arms were less for defence and more to still the constant agitated twitching of his hands.

From the far corner of the room, Sheppard's voice drawled. "You attacked Beckett and Zelenka with a chair, Rodney." McKay glowered across at Sheppard who was leaning against the wall his own arms crossed as if mimicking McKay. Elizabeth wondered if he'd noticed the tremors as well.

"Colonel." Elizabeth shot Sheppard a reproachful look, but kept her voice even. This was going to take careful handling and she still wasn't sure if having Sheppard there was a good idea. He had insisted on being present and she had found it difficult to refuse; Rodney was part of his team and he was worried - they all were.

"Rodney," She waited until McKay turned back to face her. "You had us all frightened there for a while."

"Look, I've apologised to Carson and Radek, and I don't think…"

"I didn't mean that." She checked her exasperation. Was he being deliberately obtuse? Knowing Rodney, the answer was yes, quite probably. "You were lying in the infirmary for the best part of a day, totally unresponsive. Don't you see why I can't let you go offworld with Colonel Sheppard's team?"

McKay lifted his chin, stubbornly. "Carson's given me a clean bill of health."

"He did that while you were flat on your back counting cracks in the ceiling, Rodney." Sheppard seemed to be deliberately needling the man; a tactic she knew had worked with Rodney before.

However she needed to stay in control of the meeting.

"Colonel!" This time she allowed a note of irritation to come through before calming her voice and continuing. "I'm sorry, Rodney, but until I can be sure that you won't be a risk to yourself and others, I want you to consider yourself off duty."

He started to argue, but she knew him well enough to see that it was only what he had expected; in fact, he appeared almost relieved. However, she needed to go further. Hating herself, she cut him off and continued.

"And that means here too, in Atlantis. Dr Zelenka can cover for you, just until we're certain that this won't happen again."

She'd anticipated a strong reaction to that - shock, indignation, possibly anger. She hadn't been prepared for him to simply lower his head in acceptance.

"Fine." He turned to the door, leaving the room without another word. Elizabeth watched as he crossed the control room and made his way towards the corridor.

"That was too easy." Sheppard gently pushed himself away from the wall and walked over to her side. "Heightmeyer was right; he's keeping something from us."

Elizabeth nodded without taking her eyes from McKay's back. As he disappeared from sight, she turned to face Sheppard. "I agree, John. The question is: what?"

oOo

McKay sat down heavily on his bed and lowered his head into trembling hands.

He couldn't go on like this for much longer. The disturbing visions were getting more and more vivid and harder to ignore.

When he'd woken in the infirmary he had felt confused and frightened. Fragments of conflicting memories had flashed through his mind, and, once he'd realised that he was remembering events that couldn't possibly have happened, he'd fallen back into a bewildered silence.

Beckett had put the episode in the lab down to severe stress over the last few weeks and Rodney had gratefully accepted the explanation, even as he struggled to ignore the delusions. But now that he knew he was losing the fight, he was becoming increasingly afraid for his own sanity.

At first, he'd believed that something had happened on M4A-635. All of his false memories were centred there; the crash, Teyla, the Wraith. He closed his eyes tight against the sudden pain, forcing himself to breathe deeply until the now familiar vision faded.

Everything connected with that planet felt wrong, almost blurred, as if reality itself was distorted. But, as the rest of his team didn't seem to be affected, he could only conclude that it was his mind not reality, which was at fault.

A loud knock on the door startled him back to the present.

"Yes? Who is it?" He sat up sharply and rubbed a sleeve across his eyes.

"Rodney. It's me. John." Sheppard called affably from the other side of the door.

Rodney shuddered. He didn't want to see the Colonel. Being around Sheppard, Ronon and Teyla only seemed to make the delusions worse.

"Rodney?" Sheppard called again.

McKay ran shaking fingers through his hair, grimacing as they came away sticky with sweat. "Two minutes, Colonel." He made his unsteady way into the small bathroom and ran the tap for a moment then cupped his hands under it, pouring the cold water over his head and neck. Scrubbing his face and hair dry with a towel he checked his reflection in the mirror before draping the damp towel around his neck.

Steadier now, he walked back into his bedroom and took a calming breath. "Sorry, Colonel." McKay continued drying his hair as he opened the door, using the excuse to avoid eye contact with Sheppard. "Look, I'm a bit busy right now. I was just about to write some notes for Radek."

Sheppard pushed past him into the room and turned. "What's the problem, Rodney?" The tone was gentle, but there was a hint of steel in the Colonel's voice.

Rodney felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He'd dared to believe that he'd fooled the others, but it appeared that he had been wrong about that as well.

"You hardly spoke a word to Ronon while you were in the infirmary, Rodney, and you spent more time talking to Kavanagh than to Teyla." Sheppard took a step towards him, and McKay involuntarily backed away. "And why am I now getting the feeling that you really don't want me here?"

Rodney knew that he had to make a decision. Either bluff it out in the hope that the problem would eventually disappear, or admit that he was losing his mind and accept the consequences.

"It's..." He looked up, finally allowing Sheppard to catch his eye. The Colonel's expression was one of concern and McKay knew that he never wanted to see that replaced by pity. "It's nothing; I'm fine. I'm just… I'm tired." He turned away, hoping that Sheppard would take the hint and leave.

"Rodney, if you think that you can just…"

"Please, Colonel!" He hadn't meant it to sound so sharp, but he had a sudden need to be alone. He continued slowly back towards his bed but before he'd got halfway a hand fell on his shoulder and firmly span him around.

"No, McKay, it's not that easy." Sheppard's tone matched Rodney's, his voice rising in volume as he turned McKay to face him. "I'm not going until you talk to me; tell me why you've been behaving like you've got something to hide."

McKay found himself flinching away; less from Sheppard's touch than from his words. He had no doubt that Sheppard wouldn't go without an explanation, and every minute he spent near the Colonel the visions grew stronger, threatening to break through his resistance.

Okay, if Sheppard wouldn't leave without an excuse for his behaviour, then he would have to give him something; less than the truth, perhaps, but enough to convince him not to press further.

"You really don't get it, do you, Colonel?" Rodney summoned up his most condescending voice, "I said I'm tired; tired of carrying the weight of Atlantis on my shoulders, tired of always being the one who has to find the answers," his voice dropped, "tired of watching people die." That last, at least, was the absolute truth.

"And you think that hiding yourself away in your room is going to solve all that?" Sheppard's sarcastic tone and half-lidded eyes told Rodney that he needed more convincing before he'd let it go.

"No. That's why I'm leaving Atlantis." Rodney hardly noticed Sheppard's reaction to his words. His own shock at what he had just said stunned him into a breathless silence.

But after a moment's thought Rodney realised that returning to Earth could, indeed, be the answer. Away from Sheppard and the other members of his team the powerful visions might fade. Maybe it was a desperate hope, but, right now, it was the only hope that he could see.

Recovering his senses, Rodney forced himself to meet Sheppard's eyes. "Okay, Colonel, you've had your explanation," he tasted an acrid tang at the back of his throat and swallowed hard. "Now, if the interrogation is over, I'm sure that you'll appreciate that I have a great deal to do before I leave for Earth." He stepped past the Colonel and opened the door. Sheppard held his gaze for a moment longer then walked silently out into the corridor.

The door closed and Rodney crossed the room, once again sitting down heavily on his bed, praying that he had made the right decision.

oOo

"So, did you speak to Rodney?" Elizabeth Weir tilted her head as she asked the question. Sheppard knew that she had been against him going to see McKay, but that obviously didn't stop her from wanting to know the outcome of their conversation.

"Yeah." Sheppard dropped into the only other chair in Elizabeth's office and ran his fingers through unkempt hair. "He told me that he was quitting Atlantis, going back to Earth."

"My god, John. Did he say why?" Elizabeth leaned forward over the desk, her eyes wide at Sheppard's unexpected reply.

"He gave me some crap about the pressure getting to him. Rodney really is a terrible liar." John quirked his mouth into a wry smile although there wasn't a trace of humour in his expression. McKay may have been lying about his reasons, but that didn't alter the fact that he was intending to leave.

"Do you think he really meant it?" Elizabeth sounded incredulous, as if the thought of Rodney McKay leaving Atlantis of his own free will was totally unbelievable to her.

John shared her scepticism but he nodded emphatically. "Oh yeah, he meant it." In Sheppard's opinion it was possibly the only thing in the entire conversation that Rodney had truly meant. He saw the emotions cross Elizabeth's face. Disbelief was quickly replaced by concern, which in turn gave way to determination.

"Okay, John, so what are his real reasons, and how do we stop him from going?"

"I don't know, Elizabeth." It was all that he'd been thinking about since he left Rodney's room, and he still felt no closer to an answer. Rodney McKay had a thousand neuroses and any one of them could be the cause of his recent strange behaviour. However, there was one thing that nagged at his memory. "In the infirmary just after all this started, he seemed very insistent that we should go back to the Jumper on M4A-635, but then he clammed up and hasn't mentioned it since." Sheppard frowned and shook his head in frustration, "Maybe that has something to do with it."

Elizabeth's sigh mirrored his own feelings. "You may be right, John. But even if going back to the Jumper is the answer, we still can't get a lock on M4A-635's Gate."

"The Daedalus…"

"…is on its way back from Earth and won't be here for nearly two weeks." She looked him in the eye. "You spoke with him, John. Do you think that he'll still be here in two weeks?"

Her expression was almost pleading but Sheppard gave a mirthless snort. "Not a chance, Elizabeth. If we don't figure out what the problem is, he'll be gone in a couple of days."

"Okay, John. In absence of any better ideas, I'll have Radek run another diagnostic on the Gate, and we'll keep on trying to get a fix on M4A-635."

oOo

Tanayu and Palandrus watched as the doorway flickered once again.

"The humans are very persistent." Tanayu observed. "I think that it will not be long before they realise that they are being blocked from reaching our doorway."

Palandrus nodded in agreement. "It is most likely that they will then attempt to reach us from another planet." He sighed, regretfully. "Blocking all incoming doorways will be very inconvenient."

"Perhaps it might be wiser to allow them to return," Tanayu suggested. "If they were to retrieve their ship, they might then be persuaded to leave us in peace."

Palandrus considered the suggestion. The humans would remember them only as simple traders. It was very likely that they were attempting to return merely to recover their ship. He nodded again and smiled. "Yes, that might be wiser. We must make the appropriate arrangements with the ship, and then allow them to open the doorway."

TBC