My apologies for being gone for so long and leaving this in limbo, along with a couple of other stories I have floating around as well. All I can say is we've been through a rather rough patch but are finally beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Losing three much loved people and a beloved dog in the course of only a few weeks really sets one back a bit. And then there's all the aftermath that has to be managed. And to put a tin lid on it, my car died. As we live several miles out from town, a car is quite necessary and Old Blue dying was just darned inconvenient.
But I hope this makes up somewhat for my absence. Happy reading!
"Do you not recognize me?" he asked Edith.
Edith tried to look past the bandages, to find his eyes, to hear something familiar in his voice, but she was at a loss. Major Patrick Gordon seemed to think they knew one another but she didn't believe she'd ever met him before. Still, there was something familiar about him….
He was Canadian, brought to Downton to recover from his wounds, mostly extensive burns over his face and hands. He was also claiming to be their cousin, Patrick Crawley, who had been reported drowned aboard the Titanic six years ago. Edith was skeptical but yet…. there was something. Perhaps she should get to know him a little better, she thought. It would be wonderful having Patrick back. But then, what would that do to Matthew? It all was very unsettling.
Once she would have delighted in having him back for other reasons than just that he was their cousin and they had grown up together. Once she would have thought she was in love with him. And she knew she had loved him all those years ago. But meeting Anthony and learning something more about love, she knew what she felt for Patrick was not like being in love. Anthony had shown her that there was so much more to those feelings. And as she contemplated all that, her mind went to Anthony, wondering how he was doing after his shaking episode. Dr. Clarkson had said he would speak with Anthony but maybe she should pop in on him too. But first, there was Patrick Gordon. She must tell Papa.
"What is the matter?" Anthony asked her when she went to his room later. Edith didn't know how to answer. But as he watched her, his eyes sparkling in that clear, inquiring way of his, she knew she had to say something. "There's a patient, Major Gordon, who claims to be our cousin who died on the Titanic."
She could feel his gaze on her as she looked down, contemplating what it all might mean. Finally, she looked up at him. "He says he survived but has had amnesia all this time. That's why he never contacted us."
"But what has changed? Why does he suddenly remember? Do you believe him?"
"I'm not sure if I believe him. I want to and there is something familiar about him but he sounds so different. And of course, with his burns there is no way to tell… It would be wonderful to have Patrick back, but… well, then what happens to Matthew? It is all very confusing."
"Why would this cousin's return have anything to do with your Cousin Matthew?"
"Patrick was to be Papa's heir. He and Mary were engaged before. It hadn't been announced or anything but there was an understanding. Patrick would inherit the title and Downtown and he and Mary would marry, keeping it all nice and tidy, since Papa never had a son. But then he and his father were lost when the Titanic sank and so Matthew, a distant cousin, became heir. For awhile we all thought he and Mary might marry but something happened between them and now she is engaged to Sir Richard and Matthew… well, it is unlikely he will have any heirs. It's all very unfair really."
"Yes, it would seem." Anthony watched Edith for a moment, noticing how glum it seemed to make her. "You said you want to believe this man, this Patrick Gordan? What does your father make of all this?"
Edith sighed. "I haven't had a chance to tell Papa. But I will when he returns. And I do want to believe him. I loved Patrick. For a long time, I thought it should be me marrying him instead of Mary. She didn't love him at all, or at least only loved him in the way that one loves a cousin and I thought I was in love with him. But after I met you and we spent time together, I began to understand that while I loved Patrick, I was never in love with him. I'll always love him, I suppose. But my feelings for him are really more of what one might feel for a brother than those one might feel for … a lover." Her eyes glistened as she looked at him, almost as if she was entreating him to be the latter. Her expression stirred something deep within Anthony.
"Edith…."
But she looked away and took a step back. "I know. I shouldn't think of you in that way. But how can I not," her eyes training themselves on him again, "after you kissed me as you did?"
"I'm afraid I took liberties," he replied softly, taking a step toward her. "I find that I…. well, find you quite tempting, enchanting really." Anthony swallowed the large knot that had formed in his throat. "Dr. Clarkson said he worried about us, about your devotion to me and that you might be hurt. But when he visited earlier, he told me he isn't worried any longer. You see, he said that he believes you will be able to manage with my…infirmities. He said that having you at my side might be better for me and that there might be benefits for you as well."
Edith was gazing at him again. "He said that?"
"Yes. And while on one hand I find it quite improbable that I have anything to offer you, I confess that I… I would like it very much if that were true."
"But you do! You really do," Edith exclaimed. Taking a step closer to him, she continued. "You offer me so much. I know you can't remember from before so you have no idea what it was like for me. I was nothing more than a wall flower, caught between Mary's beauty and Sybil's charm, I was the middle daughter, dutiful and attentive. Never the attractive one, or the funny one, or the bright one, or anyone really. But when I was with you, I felt I was all those things. No one other than you has ever made me feel those things about myself. I would love you for just that, if there weren't so many other things that I grew to love about you. And still, I look back and realize how naïve I was, how childish my love was in a way. But now, so much has changed. I've changed, grown. And yet, when I look at you or think of you, I feel as if I might burst with the love I have for you. I wish I could make you see that, understand it."
Anthony gazed down at her, stepping slightly toward her again without realizing it. "I wish I could believe that I do that for you. I want to believe it. I … well, I want to believe so much that we might, in time… have an understanding."
Edith saw in his eyes what was he was trying to say but not quite ready to admit and knew that she shouldn't push him, not now. "For now, I find that quite enough, that you want to believe we have a future. We have time, I am in no hurry. You still must heal and settle back into your life here in the county. But I'll warn you now, Anthony Strallan, that I won't give up on you," she said with a smile. Then quite unexpectedly, she leaned up and kissed him rather soundly on the cheek before turning to glide out of the room.
Anthony was left somewhat stunned and quite a bit hopeful, more hopeful than he had been since he first woke in that torture chamber back in France. "Oh, how I pray that you do not," he whispered aloud as he gazed after her disappearing figure.
Edith did tell her father about Patrick Gordon later that day, which led to a family meeting that evening. It was awful. She wasn't certain that she believed the man's story but Mary's reaction put her on edge and she found herself trying to defend him. Papa would have the story checked and that satisfied Edith. Still, she found his story compelling. What she couldn't decide with certainty was if her desire to know him better was because he might really be their Patrick or if it was simply to bother Mary. Her sister's reaction made Edith wonder what bothered Mary, perhaps it was that with Patrick back the old expectation to marry him might resurface, even though she was engaged to Richard Carlisle, or was she really arguing on Matthew's account? And if she was, did that mean that Mary's feelings for him were still deep? It was puzzling. She decided to get to know this new Patrick, or Peter, better. Perhaps she could settle her own thoughts on who he was.
When Edith visited Anthony the next morning, he wasn't quite sure how he should behave. After all, his admissions on the previous day about his desire for them to grow closer had put them on a new level of sorts. It wasn't what was before or what might have been if… No, now it was what might they become. He found the notion quite thrilling but also very frightening. Consequently, he was quiet with her, almost shy. His demeanor worried Edith, he could tell. But he simply didn't know how to behave with her. He wanted desperately to kiss her again but thought it might be too forward and certainly her father would consider that he was taking liberties to which he was not entitled. And he wasn't entitled to them, of course. But mundane, polite conversation seemed so leaden in light of the feelings that were welling inside of him. Yet somehow, her very presence also seemed to soothe another part of him, the part that had been broken by the war.
He was absolutely tingling with anticipation and excitement. But fear lurked in the back of his mind too. What if his age or his arm or his memory became too much for her? What would her father have to say about any sort of future between them? He wouldn't be pleased, Anthony knew. And for good reason. Anthony had no idea what it was to be a father but he thought that if he had a daughter, he would not let her near someone like him. He wanted so much to explore what a future with Edith might mean. But he also was afraid that if he let his feelings grow, he might be deeply hurt by either her rejection or more likely, her family's. And even more upsetting was the prospect that she would be hurt. And so, he found that speaking was difficult and was forced to content himself with simply looking at her.
Edith knew that she was babbling as she visited Anthony that morning. He was so quiet that it worried her and she tended to talk to much when she was worried, well at least with him. With her family, she'd always found that silence was best in all situations. But with Anthony, she felt free to be herself, even if it meant babbling like a lunatic. He sat quietly, simply watching her as she talked, a small, pleased smile on his lips and his eyes sparkling with an expression of adoration. His expression gave her pause for a moment as she contemplated a lifetime as the object of that look. No one had ever looked at her like that before.
Her conversation was inane, she knew. Heavens, at one point she'd even been discussing Papa's dog. But Anthony didn't seem to mind. And so, she kept babbling for a few more minutes. He looked disappointed when she realized the time and had to leave. "I promised Captain Winters that I'd help him write a letter this morning," she explained. "And then, Lieutenant Darnley asked it I would walk with him before lunch."
"My goodness, I find I'm quite jealous of these younger men," Anthony replied in jest.
Edith, warmed by his words, leaned over to place a peck on his cheek but lingered a moment, simply to feel him close to her. "You, Major Strallan, have no reason to feel jealous. The officers here are my occupation, but you my darling man, are my vocation in life."
Anthony smiled in the wake of her declaration. But as the day wore on, doubt began to overshadow his contentment. He wanted to be so much to Edith, her friend and confidant, her lover, her husband, perhaps even the father of her children. Her declaration that he was her vocation sounded an alarm however; did she see him as some sort of mission in life, putting him back together her life's work? His confidence about their future disappeared with the setting sun, falling below the horizon and leaving him in darkness.
