AN: Hello. If you have found this story, I just want to say in advance that I will try to make this as reader friendly as possible.

I have been home from my deployment for over two years now, and have finally gathered the energy to attempt to write this story. It has been therapeutic, and relieving in a way.

Questions, ask away.

Based on a true story.


Dolonia

- n. The fear felt when people genuinely like you – that you can't fathom why; wondering if they have you confused for someone who you believe they deserve, someone who doesn't have the qualities you hate most about yourself.

Santana never became vulnerable in front of anyone. It wasn't her way she wanted herself to be portrayed. Being a Sergeant (SGT) was a task, not because of the work responsibilities, but the work responsibilities. It was something that weighed heavily on her.

When she first joined the Army, she remembered thinking that she wasn't going to stay in past five years.

But here she was, 9 years in and sitting on a very expensive piece of machinery that shot down enemy rockets on the biggest base in Afghanistan.

Before she got promoted, her leadership constantly described her as someone with a big heart. Santana strove to make everyone happy, and found passion within her job as a cook. And as much as people told her it was a good thing? She never saw it that way.

Having that big heart led to people with selfish intentions to take advantage of her. People easily mistake kindness for weakness. And she knew that if she continued this path, that her career would be in jeopardy once she became a SGT.

Santana vowed to change. Be more upfront, not be afraid of confrontation. But it was no easy feat. Once she got her footing after getting pinned people started to notice that she was making that change. She was still the same Santana Lopez, big hearted. Passionate about her job. But now, would go to the ends of the earth to protect her soldiers.

Becoming a SGT was life changing, and she realized that taking care of her crew was the most important thing to her. All she wanted was for them to succeed in whatever path they chose. Mentoring, training. Teaching them things that weren't necessarily Army related became something she fell in love with.

A couple months before leaving for deployment training in Oklahoma, she decided to read up on different leadership styles and came across an article written by a Staff Sergeant (SSG) before her last tour to Iraq.

"Not only would I be responsible for my safety – but theirs as well. The soldiers, my soldiers. The soldiers who had parents who were anxiously waiting for them to come home. Those with loved ones patiently remaining loyal while their partner was deployed."

That statement stuck with her; because it was true. These soldiers, they all had someone waiting at home for them. And she was their SGT. She was responsible for making decisions that could determine life or death. As cliché as that sounds, it's true. Some may not understand it. Hell, some people in the Army don't understand it.

Deployment was never something she wanted to get away from. It was something she looked forward to. It was one of the biggest reasons she joined in the first place. But she would be going with a crew that had never deployed before. They would rely on her for everything and she was damn sure that she'd do everything she could to make sure they'd make it home alive.

"SGT Lopez, can I ask you something?" Specialist (SPC) Pierce asked.

The pair was four hours into their twelve-hour shift on the gun. The sun was just starting to set, and the girls were each smoking a cigarette right off to the side.

"Sure, what's up?" Santana replied.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but can I ask why I ended up in your gun?"

SPC Brittany S. Pierce was one of Santana's soldiers. About halfway through training in Oklahoma, some changes were made to the squads and she had left her original gun to become the gun chief for Gun 4. Which gave her the crew of SPC Pierce, SGT Spencer Hastings, SPC Hanna Marin and SPC Kitty Wilde. But once making it in country, SGT Hastings and SPC Wilde was replaced with SPC Madison McCarthy and SPC Marley Rose being that the five of you would be working on PM shift.

Oklahoma was a shit show. Santana learned that her SSG didn't like her, or well that's what she made it seem like. She knew SSG Sylvester for a good minute, and shared mutual respect for one another. But once she realized that Santana's leadership style differed from hers, she used the excuse of, "You're a new SGT" to continuously judge and criticize the way she handled her crew.

But Santana didn't allow the disrespect and arrogance to roll down hill, because she knew that if it did? It wouldn't be good.

"Honestly? I think that Sergeant First Class (SFC) Puckerman realized that me moving to Gun 4 would be a better fit than me staying with Gun 3." She replied before putting out her stogie. "How come you ask?"

"I don't know, I mean- we have so much time out here. And it just crossed my mind. I thought that maybe you brought up my concerns to him or something and that's why the changes were made." Brittany laughed. "Not that the world revolves around me or anything."

Santana laughs, because Brittany had this witty sense to her. Out of everyone in the squad, the two girls were the closest in age. So they had an understanding that the others didn't really share with them.

"I mean, yeah. I did bring it up once on the side to Puckerman. Because even though you weren't in my gun squad, I wanted to make sure that you'd be comfortable no matter who you were with. Coming here," Santana waves her arms around. "Here to Afghanistan, is no small feat. And so that's why I brought it up to him."

Back in the classrooms in Oklahoma, Brittany had asked to talk to Santana on the side during lunch one day. They were acquaintances, having worked together a few times before deployment began. Brittany explained that she didn't feel too comfortable going down range with SGT Hastings as her gun chief. It wasn't a shot at her, but naturally people will feel better with a SGT that they were familiar with. And it just so happened that person was Santana.

"That's why I like you, San." Brittany said as she grabbed another cigarette from her pack. "You show a much greater care for soldiers compared to the rest of the SGT's in the platoon. I wasn't even your soldier back then. But you still went out of your way to make sure that you took care of me. And I appreciate that, more than you know. You have a big heart you know."

"So I've been told," Santana replied. "But sometimes I think that it'll be my demise."

Santana walks back up the stairs to the gun and sits on the computer chair facing Brittany.

First names are a no-no in the Army, but Santana didn't care at all to be honest. The relationship she built with each of her soldiers had gotten her to this point where they were starting to become family. The trust, the bond. It was something she began to build in Oklahoma because she wanted to make sure that each person had a chance to get to know each other before heading to Afghanistan.

And it worked, very well to be honest. Santana's gun crew had the fastest reload time in the battalion, something that was unheard of. Not because she was a new SGT, but because her gun crew was made up entirely of females in a male dominant unit. So- they stood out, and she was proud of it. It was never Santana's intention to be the fastest, but the efficiency and practice paid off in the school house and it showed when it was game time.

It wasn't her intention at all, but she sure as hell ate it up. Not because she was cocky about it and wanted to show off, but most of all because she was proud. This was her doing. Her leadership brought this out of them, a group of people that would've never met before this deployment. A group that didn't know a thing about each other who came together to become a strong unit as one. And that isn't something that can be made within a month or two. It took time. But the results of her leadership? Made it happen.

"Why do you think that it'll be your demise?"

"Because it's easy to take advantage of someone with a big heart. And that's all I've really known in my life, you know? With the Army, with friends. Shit, even with relationships. Obviously, I don't have the best track record with the girls I've dated."

They both laugh, because Santana's stories about her ex-girlfriends were wild to say the least.

"I don't think it'll be you demise or downfall or anything. I think it's a great trait to have, especially as a SGT. You don't find many leaders that genuinely care for the well-being of their soldiers. I heard from Wilde that you were this way even before deployment."

"Pff, tell her to shut up. We only went to drill twice before we started deployment training." Santana says as she spins around in the chair.

She was never good at taking compliments, ever.

"No, hear me out. Two drills, and she could already tell you were a good SGT. That should say something." Brittany had a point. "Don't downplay yourself like that."

"Nah, I'm not downplaying it. I'm just doing my job, and I don't think that I should get any extra praise for that."

Brittany put her cigarette out before tossing it in the ammo can that was being used as an ashtray. "San. Really listen to me when I say this. The national guard, especially our unit, isn't filled with the greatest Non-Commissioned Officers (NCOs). Yeah I haven't been in long either, but you know what my answer is when someone asks if I have great leadership?"

Santana shakes her head, waiting for the answer.

"I tell them, you. Even before you got promoted, when we first met. You weren't afraid to answer questions and help me get on track to go to school to take that next step. Not many people do that. You share your experiences. Yeah sure, you talk a lot. But it works in your favor because you do it in such a genuine way that people want to listen. You don't talk to hear yourself talk; you talk to teach. You weren't even a SGT when we first met. We were the same rank. But just the way you talked, there was something about you."

"Nah, don't choose now to tell me you had a crush on me Britt. I'm married you know." Santana adds as she playfully shows Brittany her hand.

"Shut the hell up San, you know what I mean." Brittany finished before laughing.

In a way, Santana knew she was right. She loved to share her past experiences- good or bad. There are many NCOs in the national guard that would rather keep information to themselves instead of helping the lower enlisted go to school. They want to see them stay in that lower position because that way it guarantees their success instead of their soldier's. Which was shitty- and Santana swore that she would never do that.

What good is it to keep information that's helpful to yourself?

"Thanks, Britt."

"No San, don't thank me. Thank your recruiter."

As corny and old as that joke was, Santana still laughed.

Maybe having a big heart wasn't such a problem at all.