Hiddled - adj. The loneliness and isolation felt when you're unable to express an emotion, feeling, or secret to others – due to circumstance, trauma, or fear that your feelings will be a burden to the people you love
The last few months in-country flew by in a hurry. It was filled with the excitement of going home but an anxiousness that Santana couldn't shake. Being that they were all from Hawai'i, Santana's crew were all from different areas. It just so happened that she was the only one that was from a different island all together. As excited as she was to go home and be with Dani, she knew that she would miss her friends. Spending an entire year with people was hard- but her friends made it so easy. There were bad times, but so many good ones. And trust me when I say the good definitely outweighed the bad.
"If they asked us to go back, would you guys go?" Brittany asked as they all sat around the smoke shack. The girls were on their way home, sitting at the airport in Kuwait waiting for their flight to Texas. It had been a long couple days, traveling between Afghanistan, Kuwait and then the bus ride to the airport to head back to the States.
"Is that even a question? Shit, if I wasn't married.." Santana trailed off as she looked at her phone.
I can't wait for you to get home baby. A couple more weeks. You guys have to quarantine in Texas, right?
"Sorry. I was saying, if I wasn't married, I'd say yes with no hesitation."
"I bet Dani is ready for you to get home huh?" Marley asked.
"She is. It's been so long you know?"
A little after the ground attack, Dani and Santana decided to have an actual wedding. They had found the venue, Dani's dress, set the menu and even had their guest list ready to send out invitations. Everything was going off without a hitch.
A couple weeks after making that decision, Dani asked to talk to Brittany, Marley and Hanna on FaceTime where she asked them to be on her side of the wedding party. Santana had friends from home she was going to ask, and ran out of space. But Dani asking them was a huge surprise, being that she had such a huge problem with each of them.
Who knew why, it could've been her insecurities getting the best of her. I mean, Santana was spending literally every single day with them for an entire year. Working 12 hour shifts with each of them at some point.
Since they were already married, the ceremony would be their vow renewal. And boy was the party reception they were planning a huge one. The excitement grew amongst the crew and the rest of the platoon who were invited. But slowly, something started to go wrong. The more Santana started to talk about the wedding? The more distant Dani became. Her excitement for her wife coming home didn't waver, but the wedding seemed to be a touchy subject. To the point where, they nearly called it off.
Santana began to withdraw a bit, and the girls noticed. Hanna was her gym partner, and had asked multiple times if everything was okay. Which of course she replied with yes. The arguments got more common, much longer. Some lasted days. Dani would ignore her too, which literally didn't help the situation. One specific argument led to Dani ignoring Santana for nearly a week. And as you can imagine, that's not something you'd want to do to your partner who was on a deployment in a combat zone.
Santana had that big heart, and all she did was worry about Dani. And she felt as if her feelings were being invalidated because Dani was mad at her.
After a few hours of waiting, the girls were finally on their way home. The touchdown on American soil felt so great. Because they were now home, you know? They were finally home after spending nine months in a war-torn country. The mission was complete, and Santana brought her crew home safe and sound.
But unluckily for them, they wouldn't be heading back home to Hawai'i just yet. COVID had just begun its rampage in the United States and because they had just gotten home from Afghanistan, they'd have to quarantine before heading on base.
Two weeks to be precise. But no one cared, because they were back. The drive out to the area they'd be quarantined felt like a scene from The Hills have Eyes. Creepy movie.
They'd be staying in tents for the time being, the base didn't have anywhere for them to quarantine properly so they were sent out to this training area. Hot during the day, cold at night. Once settled, Santana began to set up her cot and got her things to take a shower.
"Hey San. You wanna grab dinner?" It was Hanna.
"Hell yeah. Let's go."
The pair walked towards the tent where the food was brought and each grabbed a plate. The sun was setting now, and weirdly- it was a nice sunset.
"It feels sort of surreal, you know? Our time on deployment is coming to an end." Hanna said as she opened her milk. "I'm honestly really gonna miss you guys."
"Same. And it doesn't help that I'm going home home, so it's not like I can just come and visit you guys whenever I want to."
They talked for about thirty more minutes before heading back inside the tents. Santana had left her phone on her cot to charge while she went to eat.
It was dark now, the sound of crickets began to fill the air. Everyone was turning in for the night- which made sense because of the long travel day.
I don't think I can do this anymore, Santana. I'm done. I'm going to live with my sister, when you come home you can have the house.
Nah but what the fuck kind of text message was that?
