Kuebiko
n. a state of exhaustion inspired by an act of senseless violence, which forces you to revise your image of what can happen in this world - mending the fences of your expectations, weeding out invasive truths, cultivating the perennial good that's buried under the surface - before propping yourself up in the middle of it like an old scarecrow, who's bursting at the seems but powerless to do anything but stand there and watch.
It's been about 2 days since Santana received the text message from Dani stating that she couldn't do their relationship anymore. Of course Santana called her, asking what she did wrong. But to no avail. She got no answers, no explanations. Just the brief "it's not you, it's me" or "i'm too young to be married already."
But shouldn't that have been things that she thought about before they got married? The decision wasn't taken lightly, however - it was a rushed one. Family deaths, the impending deployment on top of the love that they had for each other. It was rushed, no doubt about it.
There was a certain point during the deployment, and Santana and Dani were in a 3 day long argument. Nothing seemed to be going right, and the fight was going nowhere.
"You don't want to be with me Santana, you just like the idea of coming home to someone after your deployment."
The statement enraged Santana. Before they got together, Dani knew that Santana didn't want to date anyone. She wasn't actively pursuing anybody, because she didn't think it was fair for someone to wait that long while she was deployed. And yet, Dani still pursued her. She told her that she would wait, that she was worth it. That their life after deployment would be a full one - one that she would share with her once Santana came home from deployment.
Santana was sitting outside the tent, quietly smoking a cigarette on the side. It was nearly 1 am now, and to no ones surprise - Santana couldn't sleep. So many thoughts were running through her head. Dani made the decision to leave without any notice, with San so close to coming home. They were in the States for God sakes, literally 2 weeks away from their big homecoming.
None of it made sense. As she took another puff of her stogie, everything replayed in her head. The last few days, the plane ride. Her life was in a whirlwind with no sign of stopping. Nothing made sense. She was lost in her thoughts when she was brought back to reality, a timid SPC Pierce standing in front of her trying to get her attention.
"San?" She asked again. Head slightly tilted, trying to make sense of the situatioin. "Why are you out here? It's almost 1:30."
"It's nothing. Just, got a lot on my mind. That's all."
Brittany didn't pry, she just smiled and stuck her hand out.
"What happened to not smoking once we got back to the States, huh?" Santana chuckled as she handed her pack to Brittany.
Brittany sat down in the dirt next to Santana, sliding a cigarette from the pack and playing with it in her fingers. "Well, obviously - that isn't working now is it?"
The pair fell into a silence, the faint sounds of snoring could be heard in the distance.
"She left, Britt." Santana finally admitted.
Brittany's jaw dropped, turning towards her friend. "Are you fucking kidding me? I thought you guys were good?"
"So did I, trust me." Santana said, blowing smoke out of her mouth. "Did you think I expected her to leave with us being so close to home? I wanted to enjoy being back. Trying to make the most of this garbage fucking quarantine that we're stuck in. And what does she do? She fucking leaves." She choked out, waving her arms around at the desert surrounding them that looked like a scene out of The Hills Have Eyes. "Why am I never good enough?"
Brittany didn't dare look over at Santana. She looked down, playing with the dirt in front of her. From the corner of her eye, she saw a distraught Santana, breaking down. Brittany knew that Dani gave her a hard time throughout deployment, but never did she think that this would be the outcome. You don't expect something like this to happen, you never really want to think about it. Even though it's always a possibility.
Santana wiped her eyes hastily with her sleeve before pulling out another cigarette. "It's just bullshit. All of this, is fucking bullshit." She spit out. "Why does it seem like I always pick the ones who end up leaving in the end."
Brittany turned to her friend this time, trying to find the right words to bring Santana some sort of comfort. "San, you didn't do anything wrong."
"It doesn't feel that way."
Santana let the tears fall this time, looking up at the sky.
The stars always brought Santana comfort no matter the situation. On any other day, she would admit that the stars in this New Mexico sky were something out of a movie. No bright lights, nothing to pollute the natural brightness that came from them. It would've been something that she stored away, a memory that could've been a happy one. It was the home stretch - a moment that everyone had been thinking about since they step foot into Afghanistan. But instead, she'd always remember this as the time she looked up at the sky frantically searching for answers she knew they couldn't provide. Hoping that somewhere in that sea of twinkling lights sat the explanation as to why this was happening to her after everything she went through.
The pair fair into silence again, the only thing enveloping them was the cold breeze.
"San, you can get through this. Me, the girls. We'll be here for you, you know."
Santana didn't respond, only looking over at her friend. She knew that Brittany would understand without having to say anything. She knew the girls would be there, no doubt about that.
Her squad meant so much more to her than she could ever explain. So much more than she could ever put into words. She looked back up at the night sky, a shooting star making its way towards the moon.
Santana jumped, the surprising warmth that overcame her. Brittany had put her arms around her, resting her head on her shoulder.
The tears continued to fall, and Brittany didn't try to comfort her friend with words. They just sat, Brittany holding Santana close.
No, words could really do much for her at this point. Honestly nothing could except an explanation from the person that set this in motion.
The next morning, Santana and Brittany were sound asleep on their respective cots. The quarantine they were put in wasn't ideal - Fort Bliss didn't have the facilities to house an entire Battalion, so they were sent to a training area at the border of Texas that made its way into New Mexico. Hot days, cold nights. The works. Definitely not how they wanted to be greeted when they came home from deployment, but because of the new outbreak of COVID-19? It couldn't be helped.
The sun was up now, but Santana was still asleep. There were temperature checks every morning, and since Santana didn't wake up in time, the medic just took her temperature and jotted it down on her clipboard before continuing her rounds.
Brittany was up, standing in line for breakfast. Last night was definitely rough, and she knew that Santana had to eat something. So she had gotten up after her nap, to get both of them breakfast. SPC Marin was in line in front of her, having a conversation with SPC Hunter Clarington.
Hunter was Santana's friend from high school, so they've known each other for about 10 years now. Since it was their first deployment, it was nice going with someone that they knew a little better than others. It was a comfort thing, having someone there.
"Fuck yeah I'm excited to go home. Caleb has been counting down the days, and we're almost in single digits." Hanna exclaimed, showing Hunter her phone. "Look. Only 7 more days until we hit 9. And less than that to get out of this shit hole quarntine."
Hunter was scrolling on his phone too, tapping through stories of his friends on Instagram. That's when he came across Dani's, a picture posted to her story of her and a boy - sitting suspiciously close. He didn't say anything, just proceeded to click on her profile. The pictures of her and Santana were gone, her name changed back to her maiden. His heart dropped, knowing what it meant. He noticed the day prior that Santana was unusually quiet, only keeping to her cot and not coming outside to hangout with everyone. She was normally really social, and he felt like something was off but figured she was just tired from all of the traveling.
After getting their plates, Hanna went to catch up with Marley. Hunter hung back, waiting for Brittany to finish putting the utensils in her pockets before picking up the second plate of food she had.
"Is that for Santana?" He asked as they walked out of the tent.
"Yeah, she's still sleeping." Brittany replied. Her mind was still a little foggy. They were sitting outside of the tent until at least 5 am, only going back inside when people began to wake up. She had maybe an hour of sleep before grabbing breakfast.
"Dani left her, didn't she." He said. Brittany stopped walking.
"How did you know?"
"Her instagram. It's like she's not in a relationship. And she posted a picture with some dude, I don't know who he is. But, it was weird." He answered. "Is she okay? Fuck, I knew something was wrong and I brushed it off as jetlag."
"I don't think she wants anyone to know," Brittany began to walk again, falling into stride with Hunter. "I only found out because I found her sitting outside the tent at like 1 am when I got up to use the bathroom."
"Fuck." Hunter muttered. "My wife didn't mention anything, Dani was just at the house like last week. Everything seemed fine."
They were back at the female tent now.
"Let me run inside and give this to her." Brittany told him. But upon walking inside, Santana's cot was empty.
She came back outside, Hunter waiting eagerly for answers.
"C'mon." She told him. "This way."
Brittany led him to where she found Santana last night. Unsurprisingly she was there, sitting in the same spot.
"San?"
Santana looked up at her friend, who was giving her a sympathetic look.
"You saw, huh?"
"Yeah." He replied, taking a seat next to her. Brittany following suit on the opposite side. "Let's talk."
