Sorry for the delay. But here we go on another twist of the roller coaster...


Anthony did enjoy his tea with Edith. He enjoyed it so much, in fact, that he was saddened when it was time to leave the little tea shop to venture back to Downton. Edith seemed to sense his disappointment and gave him one of her reassuring smiles as she stood. How can it be that she knows me so well?

Edith chatted as she drove them back but Anthony was quiet as he listened to her and watched the green fields roll by on his side of the car. He wanted more than anything to simply be with her without other people, other distractions, and the idea that he would once again have to share her with the other patients when they returned to Downton was almost sickening to him. God, how I want to take her to some place quiet and safe and hold her and… and…. so much more….

"I don't believe you've heard a word I've said," Edith said suddenly.

Startled, Anthony turned to look at her, which in his present state made things even worse. "I… well, it's just…."

"Out with it, Anthony," she commanded in a soft voice.

"I'm just not quite ready to go back and share you with others," he confessed.

Edith smiled and blushed. "Really? Does it bother you that I spend time with the others? They don't make me nearly as happy as you do, you know?"

"I know I shouldn't feel that way. It's just, well…. with no memory, you are my whole world. And I feel completely lost when you are not with me."

Suddenly the car lurched and Edith pulled to the side of the road and cut the motor. Turning, she looked at him with a mix of a happy smile and tears in her eyes. "For that, Anthony Strallan, I am going to kiss you until you beg for mercy." And swiftly, her lips were on his, locking them in the deepest most intense kiss he could remember. Startled at first, it took Anthony a moment to gather his wits and kiss her back, but he did. Oh, how he kissed her. And she kissed him. They leaned into one another, the heat between them intensifying even more. Anthony was on the verge of taking things further, much further if the lust that was washing over him had its way, when Edith let out a whimper and his ardor cooled just a fraction. Leaning back slightly, he asked "what's wrong, my darling?" As if he didn't already know the answer. He had really gone a bit overboard in his enthusiasm.

"The gear shift," she complained, "it was pressing into me and was beginning to hurt."

Laughter erupted from Anthony in a manner that few had ever witnessed. Edith's eyebrows rose as she watched him laugh. Usually if he was amused, he smiled broadly and he might even let loose a small chuckle, but real laughter seemed alien to him. Yet, here he was, his chest shaking from it. "What has you so amused?" she asked warily, wondering what gaff she had committed this time.

"I was worried," he managed between his laughter.

"Worried? About what?"

"I thought," his laughs settled into the small chuckles Edith recognized, I thought I had overwhelmed you with my fervor. I was afraid I had…"

"No, you silly man. I was thoroughly enjoying your fervor until that gear stick poked me."

"I am relieved," he replied happily. "But I am sorry that the experience was painful for you."

Edith sighed and looked down for a moment, as if she were thinking deeply. Then looking back up at him, her expression earnest and emotion filled. "Anthony, I honestly don't think I can wait for as long as we'd discussed to be married."

Her words hit him in his chest, solidly over his heart, like a battering ram. Leaning back against the seat, his mind fumbled to respond. Finally, he let out a sigh of his own. "I understand, my sweet; you shouldn't have to wait for me to heal. Please know, I do understand. You are young and want to have a young man and a family and…"

Again, she cut him off but this time not with a kiss. "Anthony, I've never thought you a fool but just now you are sounding like one. How can you possibly think, even for one moment, that I would want or even could entertain the thought of another man? And as for a family, well, I do want one with you. And only you, Anthony Strallan."

"But you just said…"

"That I don't think I can wait. Yes, I'm aware of what I said. What I don't understand is how you could believe I meant I might marry anyone else. What I meant was that as strong as my feelings are, as much as I want to be your wife in every way, I simply can't wait. I want, I need for us to be together. I want to be yours and I need to know that, what it is to be yours.

Anthony's heart almost stopped as he gaped at her. "you…you want…. me in …. that way?"

"Yes, I do; I really do. Are all men this dense? How can you imagine that I don't want you…in that way, as you say? I've kissed you and tried to seduce you in all manner of fashion."

His heart beating again, rather rapidly in fact, Anthony simply stared at her for a moment. Finally gathering his wits, he replied. "I suppose I am being rather dense, my sweet. But you see, in spite of your declarations of your feelings for me, I just can't fathom how you see me in that way. I am not blind. I see myself in the mirror. An old man with a dead arm and other scars too. And worst of all, is my lack of memory. I feel as if I'm rather a lost cause and yet, here you are saying you want me… in that way and in every way. "

"Oh my darning, I don't know how to be any clearer. How can anyone explain really about why they find another person attractive to begin with and why that might become something even more as time passes? Perhaps if you could just accept that it is the way I feel and it is what I want, you might be more settled with the idea of us?"

"I shall try," he said softly, "because it is very much the way I feel too and most definitely what I want. I just fear that in time, you'll regret it all and you'll grow to hate me. I don't think I could bear that."

"I can't imagine ever regretting loving you, my darling Anthony. And I know I could never hate you. So please, no more doubts."

"You make everything seem so simple, so … possible."

"Because it is."

"You really believe that?"

"I do, I really do. But for now, we should be getting back."

"Yes, of course. But first, perhaps one more kiss?"

Careful of the shift knob, Edith gave him his kiss, a rather lengthy passionate one, before starting the engine and turning the car back onto the road.

As they walked through the doors of the Abbey, Anthony was chastising himself inwardly for sounding and being so needy where Edith was concerned. As they separated at the stair landing, he turned to see her worried expression as she watched him. "Remember, you promised to try," she said softly.

"Yes, of course; and I will… am trying."

Later, as Anthony sat at one of the tables in the saloon eating his evening meal, Dr. Clarkson approached. "May I sit?" he asked.

"Certainly," Anthony replied. "Aren't you eating?"

"No, thank you. I have rounds to finish. But I did want a word with you."

Anthony put his fork down and looked at the doctor. "Is there a problem?"

"Word is that there will be an announcement any day that the war is ending. When that happens, Downton will no longer be a convalescent hospital and any patients still requiring care will be relocated to other hospitals."

"Oh," was all Anthony could manage.

"Major Strallan, Sir Anthony… if you had a family to return to at Locksley, I might consider letting you return there with me keeping a watch on you from the cottage hospital. But in your present circumstance, I don't believe that is advisable. You still need more care than servants can be depended upon to provide. "

"What… what if I were married… had a wife to watch over me, as you say."

"But you don't."

"I… Lady Edith and I are planning to be married."

Dr. Clarkson shifted in his chair; all of his attention focused on Anthony. "Marrying too soon is ill advised, Sir Anthony. I don't believe you are ready for that responsibility. And while Lady Edith has been very helpful with you here, I don't think she is truly prepared for what caring for you at Locksley might entail."

Anthony's jaw tightened as he felt his insides crumble. "But… she… does help me. She…she anchors me."

Clarkson smiled. "Yes, I've noticed. But, I believe that if you were to marry now and go back to Locksley with her, you'd probably become very dependent on her for the rest of your life. Is that really how you want things to be between you?"

Anthony gasped at the notion. "No, not at all."

"I have contacted Captain Rivers. He's at Craiglockhart in Scotland. But he's been in London and Cambridge for the last fortnight and will return to Craiglockhart soon. I've asked him to stop here."

"Captain Rivers?"

Yes, He's done marvelous work with war neuroses patients, I believe he might help you. Will you speak with him if he stops here?"

"I'm…. I'm a neuroses patient? You think I'm crazy?"

"Yes, I believe you are a neuroses patient. But no, you are not crazy. And your symptoms are not like any I've encountered before. I believe Captain Rivers can help you much more than I am able."

"So you are suggesting I might go to this hospital in Scotland for this man to help me?"

"Yes, I am. That is, if he agrees with me that you are a war neuroses patient, which I believe he will."

"But… that would mean leaving here, leaving… Edith." Anthony was hardly aware that he had spoken his thoughts aloud until Clarkson responded.

"It would. But she could perhaps visit. And in the end, you would return to her much better prepared to be a good husband."

Anthony's mind was clouded, a grey mist swirling in his thoughts. But he knew the doctor was right. He needed to heal before taking on marriage. "I'll speak with this man, Rivers," he told Clarkson. "I'll see what he has to say. I shan't promise more than that."

"I'll make the arrangements," Clarkson said. "And for what it's worth, I think you are making the right choice."

Anthony watched as the doctor walked away. He felt as if the roof had just fallen on him.