Chapter 6
The rest of the way passed in silence and Taylor was oddly grateful for that. She was starting to get comfortable and secure in the general's presence. Taylor knew of course that Anya would be able to protect her if they were attacked and as long as the general thought her to have valuable information to Lexa, Anya would surely keep her alive.
Taylor was not that positive about what would happen after she got a chance to recite her information to Lexa. Why should the commander decide to keep alive after all? She knew that she was nothing but a weird stranger to them. Although some curiosity had awakened inside of Taylor again which would make her try to enjoy this new world, she would not truly mind if Lexa decided for her execution.
The fact that Anya was leading the way, gave Taylor the chance to let her mind wander freely, not having to concentrate on the way. She still remembered how the husband had looked at her in the emergency room. While the guilt was once again starting to consume her, Taylor distinctly wondered if the man was out of the hospital yet. She honestly hoped that he would find another reason to stay alive, but she guessed that she would never know so now.
Although Taylor could feel tears blur her vision, something inside of her refused to let go fully right now. She could imagine that she would already be weak in Anya's eyes with her incompetency to move through woods like she did for example. Did it really matter what the general thought of her? With a slight huff under her breath, Taylor had to realize that for a reason she could not name, it did indeed matter to her. Taylor knew though that she would never be strong in any physical sense, but she still had a quick and clever mind.
"Stop that!" Anya's surprisingly harsh words put a stop to Taylor's thoughts.
Taylor looked at the general with slightly widened eyes, surprised that the woman had even noticed anything was amiss. Taylor was used to walking with others without them noticing anything. She could not even count the times anymore in which she had needed to look away or walk ahead or behind to hide the fact that she was battling with tears. Taylor usually got herself back under control soon enough that no one ever pointed it out.
"Sinking into your mind is not helpful" Anya said after a moment of silence and her voice had softened just a tad bit.
Taylor merely nodded. She knew that the mind could be a very dangerous place to be in and during her function as a doctor, she had never been able to allow her mind to wander like this. The lives of others had depended on her functioning and being focused.
She tried to search for an answer to the general's worlds for a few moments, before she noticed that the other woman was still continuing to shoot probing gazes at her.
"I know" Taylor finally agreed, sighing again as she felt part of her facade breaking away. No one truly ever had tried to inquire more in depth about what was going on in her mind and she was not used to speak about it. She slightly shook her head, remembering the very few times she had tried voicing her real feelings to her family. No good had unfortunately ever come from these few attempts. Thus, Taylor had gotten used to either hiding her true feeling or just burying herself in her work. A lot of the times Taylor had felt as if she simply had a different form of communication than everyone else, somehow as if although she was reading the same book, she was never on the same page with anyone. "My mind can be pretty mean" Taylor finally added, when she sensed that the general was still not satisfied with her answer.
After a moment of mute contemplation, a slight frown settled on Anya's features and her tone was thoughtful when she said "You must carry an immense amount of guilt".
Taylor was once again unnerved by the fact that Anya obviously was on the one hand trying to understand her on a deeper level and on the other hand succeeding at it as well. She had never really allowed anyone to get her to know like this.
Although Taylor had efficiently decided to try and stay with Anya in the clear hope to be able to save some of the grounders, she did not see how Anya needed to get to know her like this. Something within her clenched together at the thought that the general learns the truth. Would she look at her with the disgust Taylor thought to deserve? She felt as if she had failed as a doctor and from her perspective this made herself faulty in an unforgiveable way.
As a doctor, Taylor had sworn to protect and save lives. At the same time, she had lost faith in humanity. Too often in the past had she experienced how selfish people truly were. If they did not need you any longer, they forgot you ever existed in their lives. Taylor had not even noticed how she had sunken back into her mind and thus, she was startled when Anya suddenly spoke up again.
"For what do you carry so much guilt?" Anya tried to prod at Taylor further. She had slowed down her pace, when she had noticed how Taylor was beginning to show signs of exhaustion already. The general also just genuinely wanted to understand why this young woman obviously seemed so desperate for death.
Taylor sighed again, crossing her arms over her chest protectively. Could she dare to bare herself like this in front of the general? Did Anya require this to truly believe in her words?
"What do you want to know exactly?" Taylor settles on, feeling defeated as she let her arms sink down again. She knew that her stare was empty, as she looked back at the general.
"Something has broken your spirit" Anya assessed and Taylor is taken by surprise by how gentle the general's tone suddenly appeared to be "Who did this to you?"
Just in the moment when Taylor opened her mouth to finally answer the general's question, a form suddenly dropped down from a tree directly in front of them. While Taylor only could let out a startled yelp, Anya put herself in front of Taylor protectively.
"Anya, you are alive! The commander…" the young man excitedly said.
Taylor tilted her head to the side, she had not understood more than Anya's name of which she really liked the stronger pronunciation and the commander's title, before the general interrupted him.
"Go ahead and tell the commander that I will need to speak to her soon. And to have a guarded tent arranged" Anya only acknowledged his enthusiasm with the hint of a smile.
Although the young man threw a curious glance in Taylor's direction, he turned on his feet and left without another word, hurrying ahead of them.
"We will arrive shortly" Anya had switched back to English now "You do not know our language" she assessed with the hint of a question in her voice.
Taylor shook her head "No, only a few words" and when Anya looked at her questioningly, she explained "I recognized Lexa's title example".
The closer they got to their destination; the more Taylor began to feel nervous. The thoughts were starting to circle wildly within her mind, trying to remember as many details of the plot of the show as she could in the correct order. She really wished for a few pieces of paper and a pen. She highly doubted that Anya would directly bring her to Lexa without speaking with the commander alone first. Hopefully, she could convince the general to get some paper before she met the commander.
Taylor was grateful though that the other woman did not try to question her again. When she thought to spot the first changes in their environment, Taylor reached out softly, stopping the general in her stride, telling her about her wish for something to write her information down.
To her surprise, the general agreed to have something to write brought to her without any questions asked. Taylor did not even take the chance to look around the grounder village, too lost in her mind, already trying to design an outline of what she now wanted to write down. She only gave Anya a curt nod, at the entrance to a small tent, rolling her eyes when the general cautioned her not to try and leave.
