And I'm back. At least for a little while. Hopefully I can turn this into a trend...
Looking down at Edith, seeing her expressions Anthony knew one thing for certain… he would not do anything that would separate him from his wife, at least not to be taken into this lout's care. Still, he couldn't quite fathom which was the best course.
After a few moments, it was Edith who took the reins. "Thank you, Major Willis," she said. "We appreciate that you are willing to try to help my husband, but in Dr. Rivers' absence, we'll return home. Perhaps our local doctor will have some thoughts as to how to proceed." Willis' smug expression had Anthony ready to deck the man but Edith's firm grip on his left arm held him still. "Yes, er… thank you," was Anthony's response finally. And with their dismissals said, the couple turned and left the hospital.
They stayed the night at the hotel and the next morning boarded a train for the journey home. Edith had tried to address the situation the night before but Anthony had felt far too confused and despondent to focus, much less engage in a discussion. Instead, they had dinner in their room and he retreated to the bed early, leaving Edith alone in a chair reading.
The train ride was quiet as well. Edith occasionally tried to make conversation but Anthony was too far into his despair, his mind swirling in a fog of confusion, anger, and guilt to participate in dialogue beyond a nod or grunt from time to time. When he thought about the implications of Dr. Rivers' departure, his heart plummeted. He had married Edith believing there was hope for him, for a recovery. But now, all he could see ahead was more of what he had been living since that house at the mercy of his captors; darkness, pain, and uselessness was all he could imagine. Guilt clinched at him again as he chanced a glance at his bride. What had he done? How could he have been so foolish? He loved her so very much and now he would be the source of pain and disappointment in her life. She would grow to despise him and want her freedom; it was inevitable. He would let her go but he would be left heartbroken and riddled with guilt. And worse was what it would do to her.
As if she sensed his thoughts, her hand reached to clasp his, a warm blanket over his chilled hand, a jolt of all that they had between them, all they had shared these last weeks. And it was agony because he knew that soon, far too soon, he would lose her. Desolation washed over him in waves as the train rolled along the tracks.
Finally, they arrived back at Downton Station. Edith had called ahead to let Oates know that they were on their way and to prepare for their arrival. Anthony was grateful for that, since he didn't feel at all prepared to deal with any of their arrangements. And although he knew Oates had known him for years, Anthony still felt as if the man was a stranger. He was having trouble enough speaking to people with whom he was familiar. Strangers were beyond him right now. Thanks to Edith's willingness to intervene, a car waited for them at the station and they were soon on their way to Locksley. And Anthony felt more and more like a failure.
The cook, whose name escaped Anthony, had prepared a light meal; the assumption had been that the couple would arrive after a long trip very weary and in need of rest. Again, Anthony felt gratitude for the thoughtfulness that seemed to surround him. After a half-hearted attempt at the meal, he made his way to their rooms, Edith promising to be there once she'd spoken with the cook about tomorrow's meals. Oates met him in his room and made certain he was ready for the night's rest that Anthony felt was needed. Consequently, he was settled in the bed when the door to the room opened and his bride, for she still was despite everything, hurried through the door. "Finally," she said brightly, "we are alone and I have you all to myself."
Anthony looked at her blushing smile and nearly panicked.
She cuddled into him, not seeming to mind that he was in no mood for their usual bedtime activities. She seemed to sense, as she almost always did, his despair. "My darling, I know that Edinburgh was a disappointment. But you'll see, it will be alright. We'll find Dr. Rivers in Cambridge and call him. Perhaps he'll be willing to take you on as a patient. And if not, we'll stay here at Locksley, surrounded by good people, and we'll build our future… together. If Dr. Rivers can't help you find your past, then even more reason for us to focus only on our future."
He wanted to believe it, to believe she could be happy with him in the future. But he couldn't let go of the belief that a future with his infirmities, his nightmares, and his frustration would last, at least not with her in it. He would weigh her down, bring her low. And if there was anything he wanted less in the world he couldn't think of it. But as he felt her snuggle even closer, still in a loving but non suggestive manner, he knew everything hinged on the answer Dr. Rivers would give.
His left arm wrapped her into him. At least for now, he had hope. He would cling to that, perhaps a bit desperately, but cling he would. At least, he would until there was no hope left. He was that weak against his feelings for her. He couldn't quite grasp exactly how that thought made him feel, but he did know it wasn't entirely a good feeling.
The dreaded phone call was placed the next morning. Dr. Rivers had been easy enough to find, since he had indeed returned to Cambridge. The Dr. expressed apologies for not being at Craighlockhart. "They saw the end coming and booted me out of that place," the man said softly. "I thought perhaps Major Willis might be able to help but he called me after you left. Listening to him go on about his impressions, I am glad you decided to turn down his offer. He doesn't understand your needs at all, as far as I can understand. I thought he did, I thought I had explained it all to him quite well. But he has his own methods and they are not the right ones for you."
"I felt that as well," was all Anthony could manage to reply.
"I can hear through the phone that you are discouraged, Sir Anthony. Please don't be." Rivers paused and then began again. "Look, the holidays are almost upon us. Stay with that young bride of yours through the New Year and then come to me at Cambridge. We'll find you a suitable lodging and begin the work of healing, hmmm…. Not with your sister, though. And perhaps your lovely bride might remain at home as well, don't you think? At least, in the beginning."
"Oh, not bring Edith?" The suggestion unsettled Anthony. "I…I'm not…"
"I think it best, at least for a while. You can phone one another and write pretty little love notes back and forth for a month or two, can't you?" Rivers seemed adamant on the subject.
"I'll need to … to discuss that with her," Anthony replied. "But if you think it best…"
"I do. Won't be for long, I daresay. And getting your pretty little lovebird back might just provide the perfect incentive for you to work harder at healing, I'd think."
"I have every intention of working hard," Anthony replied, more than a little upset with the doctor's words. "I would if Edith were with me too."
"Doubtless. But if you are ever going to truly be back on your feet again, you need to see that you can stand alone and your bride is intent on doting on you. Give yourself, give the both of you, an opportunity to see what you can do for yourself."
"I…I suppose, when you put it that way. Yes, I think I understand."
The phone call ended with an agreement to speak again at the New Year to begin making arrangements. As Anthony put the earpiece back on its holder, he let out a deep sigh. A month…perhaps two; certainly, long enough for Edith to realize the horrible mistake she had made by marrying him. But until then, he had a month and a little more to enjoy her presence in his life. After that, well… time would tell.
Edith had been standing nearby. "Well, what did he say?"
"I'm to phone him at the New Year. We'll make arrangements for me in Cambridge and for him to help me. He… he says I am not to stay with my sister and…" Anthony swallowed a hard gulp and sighed. "And he says I am to come alone. He says perhaps in a month or two you could join me, but I must begin alone."
"Oh no, no, no…" Edith said shaking her head. "I thought he might not want me there. And if he says that it has to be that way for a short while, then we'll find a way. But I will go to Cambridge with you. I'll leave the next day, if necessary; but I will see you settled there before I leave you in his care."
"But Edith, he said…"
"Yes, I'm sure he knows what is best for your treatment. But for both our sakes, I will see you settled there. I must know you are alright, Anthony. I must know you made it there and are safe." Her tone was firm and determined.
"Alright then, I suppose… we can think about it; there is time. I'm to spend the holiday with you, my sweet; and I can not think of a better gift."
His Edith smiled up at him, her eyes warm and calm. "Yes, my darling man; yes, indeed. You are the very best gift I could wish for. And perhaps next Christmas…" She looked away shyly.
"What?" He was curious what she was thinking.
"Next Christmas, you will feel so much better about everything and perhaps… perhaps we might give each other another beautiful gift."
Anthony looked at her perplexed. She must have read his expression because she giggled. "I'm talking about a little Strallan, darling."
"Oh," he replied in surprise. "I… I'm afraid I haven't really thought that far… I… yes, if that is what you would like. Is it, my dearest? Do you wish to be a mother?"
Leaning up to kiss him, she smiled. "If the child is yours, I do," she said quietly. "I really do."
And for reasons Anthony couldn't quite grasp, he suddenly felt more hopeful.
