Chapter 32
They had been in Polis for a few days now. For a few days they had shielded Taylor from all attention and Lexa had arranged for Taylor to be assigned one of the large rooms on the top of the tower as well. Simply for the reason to be close to the blonde.
Titus had not been amused to be introduced to Taylor. Her former teacher was doubtful of Taylor and it certainly had not helped that the blonde doctor was still so shook by what had transpired at the Mountain.
Word had already begun to spread about the mysterious woman who had appeared by the commander's side.
Even Titus had to agree though that Lexa's choice to already proclaim Taylor as some kind of blessing from the flame had been wise. It was at least something to keep the blonde protected.
Titus wanted evidence of the blonde's knowledge though. Evidence Taylor seemed unwilling to give at the moment.
Lexa had quickly diverted the man's attention and suspicion from Taylor though. The subject of Skykru and her future plans to integrate them into her coalition as the thirteen's clan was enough for that.
Anya had stood in the room, leaned against a wall and her arms crossed over her chest, as she watched Titus process what Lexa had just dropped on him.
The general still enjoyed the bald man being thrown off more than anything. She had not been able to really enjoy the moment to the fullest though. Her eyes kept on drifting back to Taylor.
The blonde doctor had stood a little distance away from Lexa and Titus. She seemed small and frail how she stood there, with her grey eyes glued to the floor and her shoulders hunched.
Both of them, Lexa and Anya, had hoped that all Taylor needed was a little bit of rest, a few quite days, but her condition had not changed so far.
If they did not ask Taylor to accompany them, the blonde doctor would spend her time sitting on the bed mindlessly, staring blankly at the walls surrounding her. If they did not remind her to eat, the blonde would surely just let the hours of the day pass by until night fell without taking in a single bite.
Taylor herself was suffering. Whenever she closed her eyes, she would see the Mountain again. The smell of their burnt skin would waft freshly through her mind, twisting and turning her stomach. While she felt punched by the heavy weight of the guilt that she had been the one to pull the lever.
Both, Lexa and Anya, had tried to console Taylor. She knew that the two women had done their best. But they did not understand her. War and death were something normal for them. They were trying to empathize and understand her pain, but Taylor still was convinced they could not fully comprehend it. She was thankful for their presence though.
But she also knew that both women had other duties in Polis and she was taking from their time. Lexa and Anya seemed to be taking turns in keeping her company. But the way both of them were looking at her, was not sitting right with Taylor either. They still looked at her with gentleness and maybe even love, but right now, Taylor knew that she was undeserving of it.
Since Anya had discovered Taylor sitting on the balcony, all alone for several hours, with her feet dangling from the balcony and her skin cold from being exposed to the wind for so long, the general did not wish to leave her alone any longer.
Now though, the care the general was constantly pushing on Taylor, was starting to feel suffocating.
Taylor hoped that Lexa and the coalition would be fine for a while. In the string of events in the show, trouble in the coalition would not be brewing for a while still. And she felt that she direly needed some time alone. When Titus had tried to press her for advice, Taylor had nearly cowered in front of him. She had wanted to help, but how was doing now, Taylor knew that she would not be of any help to anyone.
"The delegation which travels to Skykru to invite them here…" Taylor spoke up, interrupting Lexa from reading whatever report she had in hand.
Lexa looked up from the paper in her hand, green eyes immediately trained on the blonde doctor. It was rather rare these days that Taylor spoke up without being asked something. "What about it?" the commander retorted in a soft tone.
"Has it left Polis already?" Taylor completed her question, gnawing on her lower lip as she waited for an answer. She had thought about this for a while now. She wanted to leave the capitol. She needed to be alone for a while.
Lexa shook her head in the negative, while a frown settled on her features. Taylor had not shown any interest at all in politics so far, neither had the blonde woman told her about anything she needed to know beforehand either.
Taylor sighed under her breath when the young leader remained silent and only looked at her with this probing gaze of hers. "I want to travel with them" she said, tone barely above a whisper.
Lexa let the report sink fully and her eyebrows knitted together in rising worry. "You want to leave Polis?" the commander answered with a question of her own.
Taylor looked up to meet the green-eyed woman's gaze and she nodded, trying to keep her expression straight.
Lexa's frown only deepened "I impossibly can leave Polis right now" and the regret was crystal clear within her tone.
Taylor immediately shook her head. She was not sure if travelling to Skykru was indeed what she wanted, but she definitely wanted to leave Polis. In her mind, she had already thought about separating from the delegation somewhere on the way and trying to be on her own in the wild for a while instead, maybe that would help her in finally calming her mind.
"Surely Anya would…" Lexa tried to propose, but Taylor interrupted her.
The blonde doctor shook her head again "No, I need to be alone for a while, Lexa".
The commander's frown did not lessen and a flash of hurt appeared within her green eyes for a second.
Taylor tried to force a little smile onto her lips "My decision has nothing to do with Anya or you. I need to do this for myself. I need time. Alone".
Lexa seemed to take a moment to process the blonde's words, before her features softened a little bit and she nodded with a thoughtful expression. It was clear though that the young leader would have preferred to deny this request and keep the blonde safe in the capitol instead.
"When are they going to leave?" Taylor broke the silence a few moments later again. It felt as if there was a band on her chest constantly, constricting it and making breathing all the more difficult.
From a medical perspective, Taylor knew what was wrong with her. She was suffering from depression again, onset by the guilt of what had happened. Additionally, she suspected that she now also had some form of PTSD.
Lexa's features were serene when she answered "They can leave as soon as I order".
Taylor nodded and she got up from the chair she had been sitting on. She walked over to Lexa and crouched down next to her, bringing them back onto the same level.
"I will return" Taylor promised in a soft tone, keeping the smile on her features. She leaned over and connected their lips in a gentle short kiss, nothing more than a fleeting press of their lips on each other.
A definite sadness lingered on the commander's features when Taylor pulled away and their eyes met again.
The brunette nodded "Guards can travel with you" she offered with a tint of hope within her tone. She already sensed that Taylor would deny it.
As expected, the blonde shook her head in the negative. She had after all not decided yet what she indeed wanted to do. It may be that she already felt better with Skykru.
Lexa sighed, but she finally let the matter rest, instead thinking to discuss this with her former mentor. The blonde Trikru general seemed even a tad bit more protective of Taylor and she highly doubted that the general would agree to Taylor leaving. But could they actually demand the blonde doctor to remain within the capitol?
Both of them had been powerless as they watched Taylor suffer. Letting her leave alone felt highly unsettling though.
Anya indeed did not react well to Taylor's plan.
The general seemed highly upset in fact "You cannot seriously plan to leave alone" her tone was loud and agitated.
Taylor's expression hardened just a little. She was too tired to react very emotional though and her grey eyes appeared almost dull as she looked back at the other blonde woman.
"I need to, Anya" she retorted, forcefully trying to keep her tone hard.
"I will accompany you then" Anya immediately said, crossing her arms over her chest.
Thankfully, Lexa chimed in. In the meantime, she had thought about Taylor's proposal and she had decided to fully trust the blonde doctor and hope that Taylor would return soon once she felt better. "You are needed here, Anya" she said in a calm tone, which still rang with decisiveness.
The general huffed and turned around "You have not needed me here recently either, Lexa" she retorted.
Lexa's calm expression was replaced by hardness though "Things have changed with Skykru here. You will remain within the capitol" she had undeniably formulated her words as an order which left little room for discussion for the general.
Taylor looked over to her Lexa and her gaze was deeply thankful. She honestly had not expected this kind of support from the young leader.
Taylor was slightly surprised though to hear that Lexa had issued the order for the delegation to leave on the next day even.
Finally saying goodbye to the two women had been harder for Taylor than she had anticipated. For a moment, she wondered if leaving was indeed the right decision. Anya's and Lexa's presence had been the only small comfort she still had left and she now willingly was walking away from that.
With the other warriors watching, Taylor could not physically say goodbye to Lexa.
Anya helped her onto the horse they had picked for her. The general's expression still clearly showed that she was against the doctor's departure, but she kept her discontent silent.
Lexa stepped closer to the horse as well and reached out, placing one of her hands on one of Taylor's knees shortly.
"Come back to use, Yssa" the young leader said in a clear tone, just loud enough for them to hear and too low to catch for the warriors waiting for them to start their journey.
Taylor minutely let go the reigns and placed one of her hands above Lexa's, softly giving the commander's fingers a squeeze.
She felt one of the general's hand shortly linger on her hips, as if the blonde woman was checking the saddle, before she placed it on Taylor's hand as well.
Taylor smiled bittersweetly. Her heart felt heavy with the prospect of separating from the two women. But deep down, she knew that she indeed needed to do this. She would come back though, hopefully having come to terms with what she had done at the Mountain.
"I will return" she promised in a soft tone. She had to blink a few times as she felt her grey eyes mist over with unshed tears momentarily. She forced a smile back onto her features though. She knew that Lexa and Anya did not feel well with her leaving the capitol and thus their direct protection. She did not wish to convey to them that she indeed their protection like this by appearing weak and crying now. She had decided this on her own and she would stick with it now. She indeed would return though. As soon as possible.
