AUTHOR'S NOTE: I own nothing. Well, except this fic. Again, all reviews are appreciated.
2. "YOU NAME IT, WE DELIVER IT – UNLESS IT'S PIZZA"
(Scene switches to CLOUD traveling on his motorcycle to meet with RENO. On the way you hear several voice messages from CLOUD's cell phone.)
BARRET: Hey, I finally get to say something! And man, is it ever something to say! Get this – I just found the biggest oil field you'll ever see! That's right, oil – y'know, black gold, Texas tea. I'm figurin' to move out to a sweet new place in Costa del Sol – y'know, swimming pools, movie stars. And I pity the fool who doesn't come over to check it out. So now we can go from dangerously depleting the Planet of one valuable resource to dangerously depleting the Planet of another resource that the Planet's life isn't quite as dependent on. And it's all thanks to me! So holla atcha boy! Peace!
TIFA: Reno called again. He says you'd better hurry. He sounded kind of nervous. I hope that's not a bad sign. It would really suck to have to save the world again after just saving it two years ago. I mean, I don't know about you, but I haven't leveled up since. Anyway, be careful over there. See you later.
(CLOUD arrives at the Healin Lodge. He pulls out one of his six oversized swords – yes, six – and brings it with him just in case. This proves to be a good decision, because for no apparent reason RENO decides to attack him the second he opens the door. CLOUD simply sidesteps and lets RENO run right past him. RENO charges out the door, stumbles as he tries to stop, and promptly trips and falls down the stairs. CLOUD shuts the door and locks it behind him as RUDE and RUFUS enter. RUDE considers attacking CLOUD but decides against it for fairly obvious reasons – read: CLOUD has a weapon; RUDE does not. Meanwhile, RUFUS is sitting in a wheelchair with a blanket over his head to conceal himself. This disguise will become completely useless in about fifteen seconds.)
RUFUS: Nice reflexes, Cloud. Obviously you haven't lost your touch. That SOLDIER training you said you received really did serve you well.
CLOUD: (recognizing the voice) Rufus? Rufus Shinra?
(RUFUS's disguise has just become completely useless, but he keeps it on anyway because it makes him look more intimidating.)
CASUAL GAMER: Wait a second, didn't Rufus die near the end of Disc 2? What's he doing in this movie?
RUFUS: (as if he heard CASUAL GAMER's question) That day…the day of the explosion at the Shinra Building…
CLOUD: Is this gonna be a long story? Because I don't really care.
RUFUS: Would you let me finish?
CLOUD: No.
RUFUS: Well, fuck you. I'm finishing it anyway for continuity's sake. So anyway…the day of the explosion…
CLOUD: What do you want?
RUFUS: I'm getting to that…anyway, I managed to escape the Shinra building…
CLOUD: Who were those guys that attacked me?
RUFUS: Shut the fuck up…anyway, I managed to escape the Shinra building before it collapsed…
CLOUD: Uh… (running out of ways to shut RUFUS up) (snaps his fingers) I got it. Tifa's boobs: Real or fake? Discuss.
TIFA: (off-screen) Is he serious? He still hasn't figured it out?
DIRECTOR: It's Cloud. You know from personal experience how dense the guy is. You'd have to take your top off and let him squeeze them himself. And unfortunately, we're dealing with Square Enix and not Rockstar, so no "Hot Coffee" moments here. Besides, if I told you how many male gamers talked about this very subject it would make your head spin. Now, on with the scene.
RUFUS: All right. Oh, and for the record, I say they're fake.
RUDE: I can say with 100 certainty that they're real.
RUFUS: How in the hell would you know that?
RUDE: She's a video game character. Video game characters don't need plastic surgery.
CLOUD: (moderating the discussion) Ooh, point goes to Rude!
RUFUS: Yes, but as a CG character, her entire body is technically fake.
CLOUD: And Rufus ties it up…
RUFUS: Plus, look at this guy. (points to RUDE) He's only, what? Late twenties, early thirties at the oldest? And he's already bald? He could use one of those hair-transplant procedures that are all the rage these days.
CLOUD: Oh, that's a two-pointer for Rufus! But I'll have to take one away for the low blow. Nothing below the belt, gentlemen. I want a good, clean fight.
RUDE: For your information, Mr. President, I shave my head regularly. And you wanna know why? It's because I don't want to risk looking like him (points to CLOUD), that's why.
CLOUD: Point goes to you, Rude, but remind me to kick your ass later.
RUDE: Besides, with my salary being what it is – hint, hint – do you honestly think I can afford as much hair gel as Clou – um, the average male Final Fantasy character uses?
CLOUD: You're really pressing your luck here, Rude. But you get the point despite being a douche.
(A buzzer sounds.)
CLOUD: And with a score of three points to two, the winner of today's debate is Rude!
(Confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling.)
TIFA: (shaking her head off-screen) I can't believe this…I'm speechless…
DIRECTOR: (holding buzzer) Can we get on with the scene, please?
RENO: (looking through the window) And could someone please let me in? The door is locked and I'm still out here, and it looks like it's gonna rain any minute now…
(CLOUD sees RENO looking through the window. He walks over to it and pulls the curtain closed, blocking RENO's view.)
RENO: Hey, fuck you!
RUFUS: Anyway, Cloud, you're probably wondering why I sent for you.
CLOUD: That is a pretty good question.
RUFUS: Listen, Shinra is willing to accept all responsibility for the Planet's condition. That's why we've been trying to set things right. So we sent Elena and Tseng to the Northern Cave to investigate the aftermath of Sephiroth's actions.
RENO: (looking in through another window) Hey, did those two ever come back?
(CLOUD walks over to the other window and pulls the curtain closed.)
RENO: That was a totally valid question, you prick!
CLOUD: (ignoring RENO) So what did you find?
RUFUS: (dramatic pause) … Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
CLOUD: How anticlimactic.
RUFUS: Yes…oh, and those three guys who attacked you?
CLOUD: Three? I only saw two.
RUFUS: Well, there are three. And they attacked our agents too. Their names are Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz.
CLOUD: And here I thought Cloud was a silly name.
RUFUS: Apparently, they don't want us to go through with our plans. I'm hoping they explain why later in the film, because I just don't understand their motivation.
CLOUD: And you need me because…why, exactly?
RENO: Hey, come on, man! You're our friend, right?
CLOUD: I don't know. You tell me, Mr. Let's-Attack-Cloud-As-Soon-As-He-Walks-In-The-Front-Door.
RENO: You have a point. Also, I think it's beginning to rain a little. Just so you know.
RUFUS: We need you to help us stop them from stopping us. We'd do it ourselves, but we're not former members of SOLDIER, so we probably wouldn't stand a chance.
CLOUD: I don't fight anymore, Rufus. I run a delivery service now.
RUFUS: Oh, really? That's you? You know, I've seen the ads for Strife Delivery Service in the papers and I thought it might have been you, but it was probably a coincidence. So…I name it, you deliver it, huh?
CLOUD: Yeah, that's our slogan. Best we could come up with, anyway.
RUFUS: Do you deliver pizza?
CLOUD: Pizza?
RUFUS: Yeah. You know, a thick – but not too thick – layer of crust smothered in a tasty tomato sauce and coated with melted mozzarella cheese and topped with things like pepperoni or sausage or mushrooms or anchovies if you so desire. You know, pizza.
CLOUD: I know what pizza is, Rufus.
RUFUS: I've had the strangest craving for some pizza lately. Do you deliver it?
CLOUD: Well, uh…we've never had to deliver it before. But if we had any pizzas to deliver, we'd probably deliver pizza too.
RUFUS: So you don't have any pizzas to deliver?
CLOUD: No, no we don't.
RUFUS: So you can't deliver pizza.
CLOUD: By that logic…no, I guess we can't.
RUFUS: Then you've got yourself a pretty nasty case of false advertising here, my friend.
CLOUD: Whatever.
RUFUS: Now you're starting to sound like Squall.
CLOUD: That's it, I'm leaving.
RUFUS: Look, we need your help. And some pizza. How could you turn your back on us so easily? Weren't you in SOLDIER?
CLOUD: Weren't you paying attention to that part in Disc 2 where everyone found out that I wasn't?
RUFUS: You weren't?
CLOUD: No, I wasn't. My friend Zack is the guy you're looking for. And he's been dead for…seven years, so you're shit outta luck.
RUFUS: But we could rebuild Shinra! I'd name you Vice President!
CLOUD: Do you really think I'd accept that offer after spending an entire 50-hour 3-disc game fighting you guys?
RUFUS: You can't just walk away from that kind of deal, Cloud!
CLOUD: Watch me.
(He walks to the door.)
RUFUS: Stop –
RUDE: Let me say it, boss. I haven't said anything in a while.
RUFUS: Oh, fine.
RUDE: Thank you. (takes a deep breath) STOP HIM, RENO!
(RENO runs over to the door to try stopping CLOUD. CLOUD swings the door open and hits RENO with it. RENO stumbles backwards and falls down the stairs again.)
RUDE: Ah, shit.
RUFUS: The next time I see you, Strife, you'd better have that fucking pizza!
(CLOUD leaves.)
RUDE: So now what do we do, boss?
RENO: (from the bottom of the stairs) You could start by helping me up…
RUFUS: (to RENO) What are you, nuts? It's gonna rain any minute now.
(It starts to rain.)
RENO: FUCK YOU GUYS!
Two down, fifteen to go. As you can probably imagine, I had a lot of fun with this particular scene. In fact, you can tell which scenes I had the most fun with simply by observing how long they are in my version. On to Chapter 3!
Fun Fact: I was originally going to include a bit where Rufus explains to Cloud why Reno attacks him as soon as he walks in the door. He says that Reno was basically giving him a test, and that unlike other former members of SOLDIER that they had tried getting to help them out, Cloud had passed. There would then be a totally random flashback scene where a different ex-SOLDIER approached the Healin Lodge only to see Reno jump out of a bush wearing a freakish voodoo mask shouting "BOOGEDY BOOGEDY BOOGEDY!" The ex-SOLDIER gets frightened and runs away as Reno removes the mask and laughs. When I wrote this scene I forgot to include this, but I ended up leaving it this way because I liked it better.
