AUTHOR'S NOTE: Guess what? I still own nothing.


3. A RANDOM INTERLUDE ABOUT HAIR GEL

(Scene changes to TIFA and MARLENE walking through an abandoned church, mostly because Square Enix decided that it would be a great place for KICKASS ACTION SCENE #2 to be set in.)

FF7 FANBOY: Whaddaya mean "an abandoned church"? That's Aerith's church, and you fucking know it!

CASUAL GAMER: I thought it was spelled A-E-R-I-S.

FF7 FANBOY: Square Enix changed it to the Japanese version of the name. It's still pronounced the same over there, I think…

CASUAL GAMER: I'm still spelling it with an S.

FF7 FANBOY: Typical arrogant American. Always your way or the highway.

CASUAL GAMER: You're American too, jackass.

(The film continues.)

MARLENE: Does Cloud live here?

TIFA: No, but you can still see where he crashed through the ceiling in Disc 1. See? (points to a hole in the ceiling that's shaped like a person with impossibly spiky hair)

MARLENE: Yeah, that's Cloud all right. I can tell by the hair. So how come we're here?

TIFA: He's been acting strange lately. I want to know why. I figured we could start here since he's always hanging around this place.

MARLENE: Hey, look at this! (points to a small pile of random objects hidden in the flowers) Is this Cloud's stuff?

TIFA: (looks at the pile) Yeah, that's his.

MARLENE: How do you know?

TIFA: (holds up a huge bottle of hair gel) Nobody else uses this much hair gel.

(several other Final Fantasy characters show up out of nowhere)

WAKKA: Actually, I go through a bottle of that stuff a day. And I buy even bigger bottles. (runs hands through his ridiculous hairdo) It's water-resistant, and it keeps your hair nice and stiff, ya?

LULU: (to WAKKA) Too bad your hair is the only thing that stuff can keep stiff.

AMARANT: Something's gotta keep my fiery red dreadlocks in place.

RIKKU: And it took me hours to do my hair before every scene in X-2.

TIDUS: I'd say I go through about a bottle and a half per day, easy. It takes a surprising amount of hair gel to keep my follicles this feathery.

JECHT: (covering his face in embarrassment) Where did I go wrong raising this boy?

ZELL: (to TIFA) I'd say I use about as much as you've got over there, actually. (looks over at SQUALL) Hey, Squall! You use this stuff too, right?

SQUALL: (leaning against a wall in the shadows) …Whatever.

KUJA: Honestly, I spend too much time making myself look pretty to worry about hair gel. I just wear it down.

ZELL: (to KUJA) You know, if you were a girl, I'd definitely consider sleeping with you.

KUJA: (to ZELL) I suppose that explains your strange obsession with hot dogs.

SEIFER: (to ZELL) Ha! Not even your own hand wants a piece of your meat, Chicken-wuss!

ZELL: (to SEIFER) Fuck you, Seifer!

SEIFER: (to SQUALL) Isn't this guy the biggest Chicken-wuss you've ever met, Squall?

SQUALL: …Whatever.

SEYMOUR: Amateurs, all of you! I go through two extra-large jars of extra-strength hair gel on normal days and five jars for special occasions!

TIFA: Okay, okay, I get the picture. Nobody else in FF7 uses this much hair gel. Are we okay now?

(The other Final Fantasy characters leave. SQUALL is the last one to go.)

SQUALL: (does a double-take when he passes TIFA) Hey, have we met before?

TIFA: I…I don't know, actually. You do look familiar…it's Leon, right?

SQUALL: No, sorry. I don't even know anyone named Leon. My last name's Leonhart, if that helps.

TIFA: Hmm…no, I must be thinking of someone else.

SQUALL: Oh…well, whatever. (he leaves)

MARLENE: (sees a bandage) Hey, what's this?

TIFA: That? That's a…a bandage? Why would Cloud have this? He hasn't been injured lately…

MARLENE: What if he's sick too?

TIFA: You think he has geostigma? But…how could he have caught it? I thought it only affected kids!

CASUAL GAMER: You took the words right out of my mouth, sweetheart.

TIFA: I can't believe he never told me…ooh, he's gonna hear it when he gets home…

MARLENE: Another lecture?

TIFA: Yep.

MARLENE: Can me and Denzel watch this time?

TIFA: Hmm…depends on when he gets home.

(Scene switches to the Healin Lodge. RENO and RUDE are on the floor. KADAJ is approaching RUFUS. This scene isn't as funny because I didn't have very many ideas for it.)

KADAJ: Well, well, well…if it isn't "Rufus the Doofus."

RUFUS: Oh, how clever, Kadaj. Did you come up with that all by yourself? Because I swear on my father's grave, nobody called me that in first grade.

KADAJ: Enough talk, smartass.

RUFUS: If you didn't come to talk, then what are you here for?

KADAJ: I'm here for my mother. Where is she?

RUFUS: I didn't know a clone could even have a mother.

KADAJ: So you want to talk semantics, do you? Fine, we'll play your little game. Where's Jenova?

RUFUS: We don't have it here. We lost it when you attacked our agents at the cave. So go ahead and blame me all you want, but that won't make up for the fact that it was your own stupidity that caused us to lose it.

KADAJ: Well, isn't that a pity. But all your insults and punchlines won't bring these two back, either. (fumbling through his pockets)

RUFUS: Reno and Rude are still alive.

KADAJ: Not those two, you idiot. (pulls out TSENG and ELENA's identification cards) These two.

RUFUS: You…you killed them? What the hell did you do that for?

KADAJ: Actually, I'm not sure if they're dead. But they got in our way, so they had to be dealt with. We need Jenova…for Reunion.

RUFUS: Reunion? Already? When did you guys graduate? I could have sworn you were younger…

KADAJ: A reunion with our mother, Mr. President. We want to finish the job she started. Where Sephiroth failed, we will succeed. And it's all thanks to the little children.

RUFUS: So you're the ones who are infecting the kids with geostigma…

KADAJ: Well…yes and no. Her legacy's already in the…uh…you know, that shiny green strand-like thing made up of people's souls or whatever…damn it, the name's right on the tip of my tongue…

RUFUS: The Lifestream?

KADAJ: Yeah, that's it. And we need her cells to complete the reunion. Now give them to me.

RUFUS: I told you, I don't have them. And even if I did, I wouldn't give them to you.

KADAJ: And why not?

RUFUS: Because you're the fucking bad guy, genius. Oh, speaking of which, has anyone ever told you how much you look like Sephiroth?

KADAJ: You really think so? That's great! I've been cosplaying as Sephiroth at every anime convention I could find; that really means a lot to me…


This was one of my favorite chapters to write, mainly because of the Final Fantasy cameos in the "hair gel" scene. And it won't be the last time I resort to having fun at the expense ofsome of your favorite non-FF7 characters. Indeed, it's one of a handful of running gags throughout the fic. On to Chapter 4!

Fun Fact: The chapter titles get progressively more ridiculous from here on out. And none of them fit in the little "chapter title" box, or whatever it's called. So, to my competition in the field of ridiculous lengthy title creation -- I'm thinking of bands like Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco in particular -- eat your hearts out.