AUTHOR'S NOTE: Still don't own anything...yet. Again, R&R, and have fun.


4. I'D HIT THAT, BUT SHE'D PROBABLY HIT ME BACK

(Scene switches to CLOUD standing in front of the sword in the ground. He has a bunch of flashbacks involving his now-dead friend ZACK.)

CASUAL GAMER: Jeez…he must have really cared about this guy Zack. You think maybe that's why he never hooked up with Tifa?

FF7 FANBOY: I…don't follow what you're saying.

CASUAL GAMER: Do you think Cloud's gay?

FF7 FANBOY: Don't be ridiculous. This is fan service, not a fansite. You know how many people would freak out if they found out Cloud was gay?

CASUAL GAMER: I'd say that's more of a reflection of how sad our society has become, actually.

FF7 FANBOY: Elaborate.

CASUAL GAMER: First of all, they'd be freaking out over the sexual preferences of a fictional character. Second, it's 2006 and people are still freaking out over each other's sexual preferences. And third, there was a sequence early on in that game that was just pure unadulterated homoeroticism, so do you really think it would surprise anyone if Cloud turned out to be gay?

FF7 FANBOY: Actually, Cloud rejected all the gay guys' advances.

CASUAL GAMER: But he dressed like a woman.

FF7 FANBOY: Only because he wanted to save Tifa and Aerith told him to do it.

CASUAL GAMER: So basically he can't think for himself?

FF7 FANBOY: Well, he did spend five years of his life impersonating this guy Zack, so I guess you're on to something there.

CASUAL GAMER: …Yeah, Cloud's definitely gay.

FF7 FANBOY: WHAT! No he's not!

CASUAL GAMER: When you spend five years of your life impersonating someone else, that's a level of infatuation that goes far beyond just friendship.

FF7 FANBOY: B-b-but…

CASUAL GAMER: But what? I didn't just make you think any less of your hero, did I?

FF7 FANBOY: (eyes water)

CASUAL GAMER: You fucking pansy.

(Scene switches back to TIFA and MARLENE in the church. And yes, FF7 FANBOYS, I know whose church it is. All of a sudden LOZ shows up for some reason that the film never explains. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #2 is about to begin.)

LOZ: Hey there, cutie. Oh, and the little girl too.

(They don't respond.)

LOZ: What's up?

(Still no response.)

LOZ: Wanna play with me for a while? (winks at TIFA)

(Still no response.)

LOZ: Do you even talk at all?

(Still no response.)

LOZ: What a one-sided conversation. I don't suppose you could tell me where I could find my mother?

TIFA: I don't even know who you're talking about. I've never seen you before in my entire life.

LOZ: A-ha! She does speak! (steps forward, smells flowers, sneezes loudly)

TIFA: Bless you.

LOZ: Thanks. Stupid pollen allergy. How the hell do flowers grow in the middle of a building, anyway? Gimme a second… (he pulls out a water bottle and an allergy pill and takes the pill with a few sips) There. The medicine should kick in any minute now. So, uh, what's a pretty li'l thing like you doing in a run-down place like this?

TIFA: According to the script, I'm supposed to fight you.

LOZ: Hmm. You know, when I was a kid I was always taught to never hit a lady, but…on the other hand, I've always believed that martial arts is a vastly underrated form of foreplay.

MARLENE: What's foreplay?

TIFA: I'll tell you when you're older.

LOZ: So, what do you say, sugar? You wanna go?

TIFA: Well…oh, why not. It's been a while since the last time I had a chance to level up. (puts on gloves)

LOZ: (smiles) My kind of woman!

TIFA: Better take cover, Marlene. This could get ugly.

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #2 ensues. TIFA and LOZ proceed to beat the living crap out of each other for the next few minutes, with the occasional Matrix stunt thrown in just to spice things up a bit. They also animated some of TIFA's Limit Breaks just to please the FANBOYS some more. Eventually, LOZ is crushed under a pile of debris. TIFA levels up! She wins 5000 Gil, an Elixir, and a Ribbon accessory, the last of which she promptly equips to nullify all status effects for future battles. The Final Fantasy victory fanfare sounds.)

TIFA: Yeah, I know. I won.

(A voice behind her starts speaking.)

VOICE: Actually, baby, that's just my ringtone. Hold on a sec.

(TIFA turns around and sees LOZ sitting in a pew. He's talking on a cell phone.)

LOZ: Hello? … Oh, hey, Kadaj. … No, Mother's not here. … Yes, I'm sure. There's a hot chick and a little girl here, and that's it. … God damn it, I AM NOT CRYING! … Why do I have to bring the kid with me? I wanna bring the babe! … You suck, Kadaj. You know that? I want to kidnap the hot girl, but noooo, God forbid I touch a girl who's older than the game this movie's based on. Why do we always have to do whatever you want to do? … Well, you can take your superior genes and shove them up your ass for all I care. … Okay, how 'bout this? Let's make a deal: I bring the little girl, and only the little girl, if you agree to stop making fun of me with the whole "crying" thing. The joke got old about four or five scenes ago. … All right then. I'll see you later. (hangs up) I guess I needed a cell phone after all. Now, where were we?

TIFA: What the…? How did you…? But…the debris…aren't you supposed to still be under the debris?

LOZ: I can teleport.

TIFA: But I just saw that debris fall on top of you! You didn't react quickly enough to get away!

LOZ: That's because you've been fighting my stunt double.

TIFA: WHAT!

(LOZ'S STUNT DOUBLE crawls out from underneath the debris.)

STUNT DOUBLE: (weakly) I…fucking…quit… (stumbles off the set)

LOZ: Sorry to disappoint you, darlin'. But I'm a much greater challenge than that. Now, to pick up where my stunt double left off…

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #2 resumes. TIFA and LOZ kick each other's asses some more. Eventually LOZ pins her against a pillar, pressing his hand against her upper torso. And you know what that means: For all intents and purposes, he's basically feeling her up.)

LOZ: (eyes widen) Holy crap…they are real…

RUDE: (off-screen, to RUFUS) Told you so.

TIFA: Yeah…and they're not for you!

(She kicks him away. LOZ is stunned and falls to the floor. TIFA walks over and lifts her shirt, exposing her brassiere – much to the delight of the entire male audience.)

TIFA: Read 'em and weep.

(The words "PROPERTY OF CLOUD STRIFE" are stitched into both of her bra cups.)

LOZ: What the…

TIFA: (lowers her shirt again, much to the disappointment of the entire male audience) That's right. And I don't think he'll be too happy to find out that you've been touching something of his…

LOZ: (extremely pissed off) As if I needed another reason to want to kick his ass…I guess I'll just have to take it out on you instead!

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #2 resumes again, but only briefly. LOZ, driven by his anger, is able to finish the fight in about a minute. Being a boss character, however, he does not level up at all. He leaves her lying in the flower bed.)

LOZ: Not bad for someone who hasn't leveled up in two years. Unfortunately for you, I have. (looks her over) It's really a shame we had to be on opposite sides. Seriously, I can't think of one hot chick that worked with the bad guys…

BEATRIX: (off-screen) Um, hello? What about me?

LOZ: Sorry, I prefer women who have two eyes.

BEATRIX: Hey, I have two eyes! You just never see the other one…

LOZ: Oh, whatever. (looks at TIFA again) Anyway…Kadaj wanted me to kill you if I won this fight. But don't worry. I have a soft spot for pretty girls. So I'll let you live just in case you change your mind. (walks over to MARLENE) You're coming with me, kid.

MARLENE: (throws materia at LOZ) No! I'm not following you anywhere!

LOZ: Sorry kid. You don't have a choice. Now come with me. And while you're at it, give me the rest of that materia…


Oh no, a cliffhanger! Whatever shall you do?

Well...you could click the "next" button, since Chapter 5 is already up, but that would just kill the suspense! Wait until tomorrow to do it!

Also, I forgot to mention this earlier (I'll try to edit the summary later to include this), but I've already finished the entire fic. I decided to finish it first and then submit it all at once so I wouldn't forget to do it.

Fun Fact: The exchanges between Casual Gamer and the FF7 Fanboy were inspired by "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and The Editing Room, a website that offers abridged parody scripts of Hollywood movies that include mid-movie audience feedback.