AUTHOR'S NOTE: You know the drill by now. I own nothing, read and review, blah blah blah...
5. NEVER TRUST A SCARY-LOOKING SILVER-HAIRED MAN
(Scene switches to the nameless city, where DENZEL is just sitting around outside doing nothing in particular. Then some random GIRL comes over to talk to him.)
GIRL: Hey, it looks like you've got geostigma too.
DENZEL: I suppose the black bruise on my forehead tipped you off, didn't it?
GIRL: Don't worry! See those two guys over there with the truck? They say they can cure us!
(DENZEL looks and sees KADAJ and YAZOO loading kids with geostigma into the back of a truck.)
DENZEL: I don't know…if there's one thing Cloud's been able to teach me in between all of his delivery runs, it's that scary-looking guys with long silver hair are probably bad news.
GIRL: Don't be so paranoid! It's not like they're Sephiroth or something! Now do you want to be cured or not?
DENZEL: Well…okay, but if those guys turn out to be using us in some kind of evil scheme to take over or destroy the Planet, don't say I didn't warn you.
(They board the truck.)
(Scene switches back to the church. CLOUD finally shows up.)
CLOUD: Whoa…what the hell happened to this place?
(He sees TIFA lying in the flower patch.)
CLOUD: Holy shit! (runs over and lifts her in his arms) What hap…? (sees his pile o' stuff in disarray) Hey, were you going through my stuff?
TIFA: N-no…I never got the chance to…all I touched was a bottle of hair gel…
CLOUD: Then who touched the rest of my stuff? I mean, the whole reason I kept it here was to keep everyone from snooping around in it. I'm a very private person, y'know? There are some very personal materials in there! My fucking diary is in there…you didn't read it, did you?
TIFA: I…I didn't even know you kept a diary…
CLOUD: Who touched the rest of my stuff?
TIFA: (sits up sharply) MARLENE!
CLOUD: Oh, she is so grounded when we get home…
TIFA: No, it's not about that…you see, I was attacked –
CLOUD: Attacked? Who attacked you?
TIFA: Some guy with silver hair…
CLOUD: Silver hair? Silver hair? It wasn't…Sephiroth, was it?
TIFA: No, it was some other guy with silver hair.
CLOUD: Some other guy? How many people have silver hair? Seriously? I didn't think it was that common a hair color. But anyway, are you all right?
TIFA: I've been better… (passes out in his arms)
CLOUD: SHIT!
(looks over at his pile o' stuff and notices that his box o' materia is missing)
CLOUD: DOUBLE SHIT!
(looks even closer at his pile o' stuff and notices that his diary is also missing)
CLOUD: TRIPLE SHIT!
(CLOUD suddenly has a geostigma attack for no apparent reason. It is very painful. Black stuff comes out of his left arm and it's really, really gross.)
CLOUD: (weakly) …Ugh…qua – quadruple shit… (passes out)
(CLOUD and TIFA are suddenly alone in a field of yellow flowers with a white background. The church is gone. It would be really romantic and cute if they weren't both passed out right in the middle of it like a couple of fucking slum drunks, but whatever…)
(Scene switches to the bedroom in the house in the nameless city where DENZEL was seen resting back in the third or fourth scene of the film. CLOUD and TIFA are in separate beds, mostly because Square Enix wanted to dispel the "oh-look-they're-married" rumors and prevent any possibility of a "Hot Coffee" scene. CLOUD wakes up and sees RENO and RUDE watching over them.)
CLOUD: H-huh? What are you guys doing here?
RUDE: We carried you two here.
CLOUD: How did you find us?
RUDE: It's not important.
RENO: You might want to go on a diet, though. You're pretty heavy.
RUDE: (to RENO) You carried Tifa, remember?
RENO: Of course. And I loved every second of it.
RUDE: I'm sure you did, you sick fuck.
RENO: Well, at least I didn't bitch and whine all the way back here from that church. We kept having to stop because apparently you haven't hit the gym in the last two years.
RUDE: Whatever. Anyway, weren't there a couple of kids living here, Cloud?
RENO: Maybe they're at school.
RUDE: This is a Final Fantasy world. Who goes to school?
CLOUD: Seriously, Reno. I've been to every city on the planet and I don't think I've ever seen a school. The closest thing was that dojo in Wutai. Or maybe Bugenhagen's place in Cosmo Canyon, but he's been dead for two years, so I don't think that counts.
RENO: Well, still…I thought you might be more concerned about those kids.
CLOUD: Look…could you guys just leave me alone for a while? I'm kinda tired…
RENO: What? Dude, you were just out cold for who knows how long.
CLOUD: I know, but…you know how the delivery business is. Wake up early, go to bed late, spend all day running around delivering stuff…this is the first chance I've had to catch up on my sleep in quite some time.
RENO: Those kids might be in trouble and all you can do is sleep? What kind of hero are you?
CLOUD: A well-rested hero is a more efficient hero, Reno. You would do well to remember that. (goes back to sleep)
RENO: I can't believe I'm getting life lessons from a guy who basically got away with identity theft for five fucking years.
(They both leave, letting CLOUD and TIFA sleep.)
(Scene switches to the Forgotten City, where KADAJ, YAZOO, LOZ, and MARLENE are standing with Cloud's box o' materia. The words "BOX O' MATERIA" are written on the box o' materia.)
KADAJ: Well, what do you know? All this time, Cloud had a secret stash of materia. (picks up a blue materia) Now, these powers can be ours! (puts blue materia in his wrist, somehow)
YAZOO: Um, Kadaj?
KADAJ: What?
YAZOO: The blue ones are Support materia. They don't cast magic.
KADAJ: What the hell are you talking about?
LOZ: Mind your language, Kadaj! There's a little kid present!
KADAJ: Oh, cover her ears yourself if you care so much. Now, what were you saying, Yazoo?
YAZOO: All materia is color-coded to let you know what kind of stuff it can do. Blue is Support materia, green is Magic, red is Summon, yellow is Command –
KADAJ: Okay, I get the picture…
YAZOO: …And pink is Independent.
KADAJ: Are you done, Mr. Know-It-All? Jeez, you sound like a bunch of pages straight out of an instructional booklet!
YAZOO: It's really not that hard to understand, Kadaj. I mean, that's the ingeniousness of the color-coding system. Any idiot can figure it out.
KADAJ: There are so many easy punchlines I could be delivering at your expense right now, but I think this scene has run on long enough.
LOZ: Oh, I almost forgot – you guys have to read some of the stuff in this diary I found. It's hilarious.
(LOZ holds up a book with the words "THE EVERYDAY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF CAPTAIN OMNISLASH (that's me), by Cloud Strife. (Also known as my diary. Don't read this or" written on the cover – he obviously ran out of space.)
Five chapters already. I'm doing this way too fast, aren't I? Oh well. You all probably know what happens in the movie anyway. One more reason for me to submit the whole thing at once. I just divided it into chapters to make it an easier read. You can thank me later.
Fun Fact: While Kefka, the main villain of FF6, never makes an appearance in this fic (although I tried to find a place for him), he's here in spirit. I paraphrase one of his many memorable quotes in this chapter, and there are several more in the fic. See if you can find them all! You may not win a prize, but it'll give you something to do if the fic is boring you. Other people may call this technique "giving it lasting power."
