AUTHOR'S NOTE: I still own nothing. And I'll bet you probably stopped reading these author's notes a few chapters ago.


6. 500 GEORGE WASHINGTONS 100 ABRAHAM LINCOLNS 50 ALEXANDER HAMILTONS 25 ANDREW JACKSONS 10 ULYSSES GRANTS 5 BENJAMIN FRANKLINS 1 RIDICULOUS LINE OF DIALOGUE

(Scene switches back to the bedroom in the house in the nameless city. Night has fallen, CLOUD is looking out the window, and TIFA is just waking up.)

CLOUD: Good morning, sleepyhead.

TIFA: Huh? What time is it?

CLOUD: I don't know. There isn't a clock to be found in this entire room for some reason.

TIFA: So, how did we get here?

CLOUD: Weren't you paying attention to our last scene?

TIFA: I was asleep through that entire scene, remember?

CLOUD: Oh, yeah. Reno and Rude brought us here. They're out looking for the kids right now.

TIFA: Hey, Cloud? Do you mind if I ask you a question?

CLOUD: Um…okay, shoot. (thinking to himself) Please don't ask me about geostigma, please don't ask me about geostigma…

TIFA: Do you have geostigma, Cloud?

CLOUD: (to himself) Damn it! (to TIFA) Um…no. This weird black marking on my arm? That's just a really, really bad tattoo.

TIFA: And you're a really, really bad liar.

CLOUD: Which is really a shame, because I never used to be.

TIFA: Why didn't you tell me you had it, Cloud?

CLOUD: Um…because it mostly affects kids, and, uh…I didn't want you thinking I was childish.

TIFA: But I like it when you act childish. It's a whole different side of your personality that you hardly ever show.

CLOUD: Well, it's also because it's not curable. I didn't want you to worry about me…

TIFA: So? Saving the world from Meteor was a hopeless cause too, but you never gave up on that, did you?

CLOUD: To be honest, there were a few days when I felt like saying "Fuck it" and going home.

TIFA: That's not my point. My point is that I'm always here for you…to help you. And all of our other friends are here for you too, even though they aren't physically present right now. You might think you could drop dead tomorrow and nobody would care, but I would! We all would…Barret, Red, Yuffie, Vincent, all the other characters that still haven't appeared in this movie yet…we all would. Because we care about you, Cloud…whether you like it or not. And we want you to be there to help us when we need you. We can help each other…

CLOUD: No…no, we can't.

TIFA: Why not?

CLOUD: Because I just flat-out suck at helping people.

TIFA: Give me one good example of when you failed to help someone in need.

CLOUD: I couldn't save Aerith.

TIFA: Okay, give me another good example.

CLOUD: I couldn't save Zack, either.

TIFA: Well, you did save me from Sephiroth in that reactor seven years ago, remember?

CLOUD: Yeah, but I couldn't help you that day that you went to Mt. Nibel by yourself and wound up in a coma. I was fucking blamed for that, remember? I think they cancel each other out.

TIFA: Yeah, but…

CLOUD: And I couldn't save your father, or my mother, or anyone else back home who died when Sephiroth burned down the whole town…oh, and if it wasn't for me, Sephiroth never would have been able to summon Meteor in the first place.

(TIFA says nothing.)

CLOUD: Face it, Tifa…I'm a terrible hero. If anyone on this entire planet deserves to have geostigma…it's me.

TIFA: Well…you helped save the lives of every person on this planet from Meteor. You helped save the life of the Planet itself. I'd say that more than cancels out any of your past failures.

CLOUD: …Whatever.

TIFA: (mumbling to herself) Dilly dally, shilly shally.

CLOUD: What?

TIFA: (covering her face in embarrassment) Please don't make me say it again…

CLOUD: I didn't even hear what you said.

TIFA: Oh, fine… (rolling eyes in embarrassment) Dilly dally, shilly shally…stupid translation…

CLOUD: (completely confused) What the hell is that supposed to mean?

TIFA: I don't know…it's just a really stupid line, and I didn't want to say it because I was afraid it would become the next "All your base are belong to us," but the director wanted me to say it so he offered me a $500 bonus for every time I say it.

CLOUD: Really? You get five hundred dollars every time you say that?

TIFA: Yep. So I've earned a thousand bucks in bonus money so far from this conversation alone.

CLOUD: Wow…hey, do you think that would work for anyone else? Like, if I said it, I'd get five hundred dollars too?

TIFA: I don't know. The director didn't say, so I guess you could try it.

CLOUD: Well, in that case…dilly dally shilly shally to you too.

(BUBBLE BOY – the Jake Gyllenhaal one, not the one from the Seinfeld episode with the Moops – pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

TIFA: See? You just made five hundred dollars.

CLOUD: But why didn't that Bubble Boy dude show up when you said it?

TIFA: The joke hadn't been properly introduced yet. It wouldn't have made sense at the time.

CLOUD: But you could have explained it afterwards.

TIFA: Interesting point. But ultimately, that's up to the writers.

CLOUD: Don't you just love exploiting loopholes in the system for money?

TIFA: I'm not really sure how to answer that question…

(RENO and RUDE enter the room.)

RENO: I'll answer it for you. Exploiting loopholes in the system is what life is all about. Especially when you earn monetary gains from said loophole exploitations.

TIFA: So did you find the kids?

RENO: Nope. But we did find this guy…

(THE WRITER walks in the door.)

RENO: He says he knows where to find the kids.

CLOUD: So where are they?

THE WRITER: Kadaj and his brothers took them to the Forgotten City, claiming that they could cure their geostigma. He plans to use them for a rather diabolical scheme that he will explain in greater detail in a later scene. And before you ask, Denzel and Marlene are in fact among the kids that have been taken there. Someone should go there and try to stop them – preferably someone with a fast vehicle who can handle weaponry, perform crazy action-movie stunts, and keep their outrageous hairdo looking extra-sharp all at the same time. Is there anyone in this room that fits this description?

(Everyone looks at CLOUD.)

(CLOUD looks out the window again.)

TIFA: Wait a second. Why'd they kidnap Marlene? She doesn't have geostigma.

THE WRITER: They're using her to draw someone to them. Someone who cares enough about Marlene to willingly risk their life to save hers.

CLOUD: You mean like Barret?

THE WRITER: I was thinking of you, actually.

CLOUD: Ah, damn it. I guess I'd better go, then.

TIFA: (kisses CLOUD on the cheek) Good luck!

CLOUD: Thanks…I'll probably need it… (thinking to himself) Wow…I wonder if that means that she really does love me?

CASUAL GAMER: (to CLOUD) You fucking dumbass.

FF7 FANBOY: Well, maybe she only meant it as a lucky charm or something.

CASUAL GAMER: (to FF7 FANBOY) You fucking dumbass.

(CLOUD leaves the room.)

RENO: (to THE WRITER) So how'd you know all that stuff, anyway?

THE WRITER: How wouldn't I know it? I'm the one who wrote this screenplay.

RUDE: So…basically, you're breaking down the fourth wall?

THE WRITER: What, am I not supposed to do that?

TIFA: It's not very common in Hollywood, so I guess that means the practice is generally looked down upon.

THE WRITER: Oh. Well, I guess I'd better get to work.

(THE WRITER immediately gets to work rebuilding the fourth wall, brick by brick, piece by piece, before continuing with the script. The process is difficult and stressful and takes several hours to complete. Upon its completion, the fourth wall is promptly coated with graffiti by a YOUNG HOOLIGAN.)

THE WRITER: DAMN YOU, VANDAL!

YOUNG HOOLIGAN: Ha-ha!

(The YOUNG HOOLIGAN runs away and is almost immediately hit by a truck.)

THE WRITER: Ha-ha! (leaves to continue writing the script)

RENO: (whispers to RUDE) Hey, in case I forget, remind me to find some way to fit that phrase into my dialogue.

RUDE: What phrase?

RENO: You know…dilly dally, shilly shally.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

RENO: Yes!


This was another one of my favorite chapters to write. By the time I got to about Chapter 4 or 5 or so I started looking forward to making fun of this scene. I have no idea where the whole "young hooligan gets hit by a truck" thing came from, though. Perhaps it was karma for vandalizing the fourth wall...yeah, that's it.

Also, as I mention in the chapter, if you've ever seen the movie Bubble Boy with Jake Gyllenhaal (I hope I spelled that name right), you'll understand where the "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR" thing comes from. If you haven't...well, now you know where I got it. It was also inspired by the "Toasty Guy" from the Mortal Kombat series who popped up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen every once in a while.

Fun Fact: The concept of the characters getting a $500 bonus for every time they say "dilly dally, shilly shally" and taking advantage of it (which quickly becomes a running gag), as well as Bubble Boy's announcement of the bonus being awarded, was the first joke I came up with for this fic.