AUTHOR'S NOTE: Me own nothing. You read, laugh, review, tell friends.


7. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #3 – BROUGHT TO YOU BY KOOL-AID

(Scene changes to CLOUD riding his motorcycle to the Forgotten City.)

CLOUD: Damn, that was quick. Pretty impressive, considering that the Forgotten City is on a totally different continent.

(Scene switches to KADAJ delivering his big speech to all the kiddies.)

KADAJ: …You know, I never was that good with kids, so I'll keep this short, sweet, and relatively close to the point. We brought you all here because the Planet has given you geostigma. But our mother has given us a cure for this terrible disease whose spread I promise you we were not involved in one bit – just ignore all that hoo-hah I was telling Rufus a few scenes ago. Now the Planet, being the gigantic planet-shaped asshole that it is, is trying to stop us from giving you this cure. You might say, "Well, Kadaj, maybe the Planet doesn't want you to do this because neither you nor either of your brothers has a doctorate degree in medicine from a respected university." A good point, to be sure. But it is my personal belief that experience is the best teacher. So all you doctors out there who wasted all those years studying medicine just for a fancy piece of paper with your name on it can kiss my ass. We're about to do something that you couldn't – cure geostigma! And this is all you kids have to do…

(KADAJ walks out into the water. It turns black.)

KADAJ: And remember kids, this has absolutely nothing to do with any plans regarding world domination or the resurrection of Sephiroth or anything like that, so don't be scared.

(KADAJ takes some of the black water in his hands and drinks it.)

KADAJ: Now it's your turn! Any questions before we begin?

(DENZEL raises his hand.)

DENZEL: Yeah, I've got one, if you don't mind.

KADAJ: Okay, shoot.

DENZEL: Why did the water suddenly turn black?

KADAJ: Um…because…it's Kool-Aid.

DENZEL: Kool-Aid?

KADAJ: Yeah…magical…black…geostigma-curing Kool-Aid. I, uh, had a few packs of it in my pockets. I was gonna open them up and sprinkle them into the water, but the water must have caused it to leak through my pants.

DENZEL: (still suspicious) You're sure it's Kool-Aid?

KADAJ: Hey, have I given you any reason not to trust me? It's Kool-Aid. And it's really good.

DENZEL: Well…okay, but only because Kool-Aid is totally awesome.

(The KOOL-AID MAN bursts through a wall.)

KOOL-AID MAN: OH YEAH! Product placement is totally the shiznit!

KADAJ: (to KOOL-AID MAN) Um…would you mind? We're kind of in the middle of something here…

KOOL-AID MAN: Oh…sorry, dudes. (bursts through another wall and leaves)

(The kids enter the water and drink it, just as KADAJ had demonstrated. Something strange happens to their eyes.)

DENZEL: (drinks water) Hey, this doesn't taste like Kool – (goes into trance)

YAZOO: (looking at kids' eyes) Damn, man. They look like the Children of the Corn or something.

LOZ: I think you're thinking of the Village of the Damned.

YAZOO: No, it's definitely the Children of the Corn.

LOZ: Oh, whatever.

(Scene switches back to CLOUD riding his motorcycle – no, wait, he suddenly ends up alone against a white background. Never mind.)

AERITH: (face can't be seen for some reason) Cloud, you came! And you look soooo hot in CGI…

CLOUD: …I…I do?

AERITH: Of course you do. So, what's up? Why the sudden visit?

CLOUD: Honestly, I don't know how I got here, but since I'm here…I want you to forgive me.

AERITH: For what? The 150 gil you borrowed from me that you never paid back?

CLOUD: No…something else. Something bigger…

(Scene switches back to CLOUD on his motorcycle again. YAZOO and LOZ are shooting at him.)

CLOUD: Okay, that's the last time I fall asleep at the wheel.

(KADAJ orders all the kids to block CLOUD's path. They do.)

CLOUD: Oh, shit! (crashes his motorcycle on purpose just before hitting the kids and somehow avoids being hurt very badly)

KADAJ: Well, well, well. If it isn't our big brother.

CLOUD: Okay, seriously, enough with the "big brother" bullshit. I mean, we look nothing alike.

KADAJ: (pulls out sword) You might wanna save your breath, Strife. You should savor the feeling of air inside your lungs for now, because I'm about to take that from you.

CLOUD: (holds up empty hands) You would kill an unarmed man? You fucking coward.

KADAJ: Actually, no, I wouldn't kill an unarmed man. I may be evil, but I'm not that heartless. Unfortunately for you, however, you seem to still have both of your arms intact. Which makes you fair game. (raises sword to strike CLOUD)

(MARLENE throws a rock at KADAJ. It hits him in the back.)

KADAJ: Ouch! (turns to face MARLENE) What the hell did you do that for?

(CLOUD grabs his sword while KADAJ's back is turned and attacks.)

KADAJ: Ooh, should've seen that coming.

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #3 begins. CLOUD, KADAJ, LOZ, and YAZOO beat the crap out of each other for the next few minutes. Despite being outnumbered 3-1, CLOUD doesn't get his ass handed to him on a silver platter. At the end of the fight, with CLOUD looking like he might lose, a red scarf-like thing wraps up CLOUD and takes him away.)

KADAJ: Oh, no fucking fair! Bad guys never get any help from deus ex machina devices!

LOZ: You're not gonna cry now, are you Kadaj?

KADAJ: Shut up, Loz.


Seven chapters down, and just ten left! Oh boy. I can sense the excitement from all of you.

Okay, I'm lying. I can't.

On to Chapter 8!

Fun Fact: I was originally going to include a cameo by Adam Sandler in the scene where the Kool-Aid Man shows up to remind us all of the beauty of product placement in cinematic works. I decided against it because it might piss off his fans (even though this entire fic might piss off some FF7 fans, making me sound like a hypocrite) and I don't think we're supposed to include real people in fics anyway. I know you can't write fics about real people, but I'm not sure if it's okay to include them in cameos, so I just erred on the side of caution. That said, I was going to include Mr. Sandler because his films often feature a lot of product placement. Didn't stop me from liking Happy Gilmore, though.