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Chapter 2: The Good Guys and The Super Duper Most Excellent Extra Spicy Totally Sure To Succeed Plan To Destroy Lord Thingy Once And For All...Version A

"Order, order!" Harry demanded of the feisty crowd. Harry and the few remaining members of the Order of the Phoenix were sitting in a falling down mess of a room trying to hold a meeting, and failing miserably.

Severus Snape still had his fanciful mask in his back pocket and was now grumbling about how he had been forced to skip the limbo competition in order to make it to this pointless meeting. "Do we even get guacamole? The Dark Lord had chips, dip and pixie sticks. I am missing out on pixie sticks here people! Let's get this meeting started," he complained. Before muttering under his breathe, "damn Potter and his horrible timing."

Moody poked Snape in the stomach with his wand to try to get him to stop being so damn negative. Snape grunted and looked at the old man angrily, "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" screeched the psycho before running away and hiding behind Harry. He then said "quit complaining you big ninny and be happy we aren't flailing you alive for your lack of personal hygiene. It's on the schedule you know! So just watch out, you," Moody warned.

Snape rolled his eyes and sat down on the uncomfortable wooden floor. There were no chairs; apparently the good guys couldn't be bothered to have chairs.

"All right, hey everyone. We're here today to talk about the Grand Master Super Plan To Destroy Voldemort…Version A. Now, because I have absolutely no idea how to read shorthand and that is what my notes are written it, I will call Hermione up here to help me out. Red rover, red rover we call Hermione over!" Harry paused, waiting for a laugh that would never come. He frowned then left the stage.

"Hi!" Hermione smiled and waved at the crowd. If you could call the paltry amount of people in this dilapidated room a crowd. "Hi," she tried out again, before staring down at her notes. "All right, what we've got here is the Super Duper Grand Master Super Plan To Destroy Lord Thingy…Version A. Anyone who we don't trust will be asked to leave the room now and will be allowed back when we go over the Plan C, the cover version that we will under no circumstance actually execute but which we will leave in many cubby holes and bar tables for the enemy to have many chances to gain our leaked information. Okay. People not allowed: Severus Snape," said Hermione.

"So, I have to leave this party because I'm not trusted. I get it. I understand. You realize that I missed the piñata for this meeting. Thanks. Thanks a lot you guys. Didn't any of you ever listen when Dumbledore said I was trustworthy, redeemed, a spy! Jeebus," Snape said.

"Well, you did kill Dumbledore," said Hermione, logically as always.

"Paltry details, five points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all."

"We aren't in school, Severus, so stop tormenting my students. And if you just washed your hair, once even, and tried to smile then maybe we would let you hear the Super Duper Extra Spicy Mega Plan To Destroy Evil People. First impressions matter Severus. Lord knows I'm desperate enough, and even I won't shag you," piped up Minerva McGonagall.

"Thank you. Snape?" urged Hermione.

"I'm going, I'm going," said Snape as he walked out the door.

"All right, and to keep Snape company how about Knucklebottom, why don't you go wait with him?" suggested Hermione.

A three foot tall man jumped in front of Hermione. He had a long, pointy red beard and an equally pointy green hat that had a red bobble on the end. "Ye a' discriminatin' 'gainst lep'echauns ye argh! Ai 'ave eve'y right to be 'ere s'much as anyone else!"

"We know, Kingston, but we don't particularly need you for this mission and we'd rather someone was with Snape so that he doesn't sneak off to the fun party. Please, Mr. Kuncklebottom. Please, Kingston. For me?" begged Hermione.

"Ye argh a clevah one, lass. Ai know why ye don'tah wan' me a'ound. Ye're all out to steal me lucky cha'ms! Ye'll nevah git ye're 'ands on me lucky cha'ms!" screeched the leprechaun before hopping out of the room, presumably to either check on Snape or check on how things at the end of the rainbow were.

"All right, anyone else who Harry doesn't particularly want here?" Hermione asked. Harry shook his head. "Okay then. So we have decided upon a Super Extra Good Killer Plan, Better Then All Your Stupid Plans, Plan So We Can Destroy The Most Evilest Person On Earth. First we have some business to get out of the way. Someone parked a yellow Ford out in a no parking zone; your car will be towed if it is not removed post haste." Hermione began flipping through the notes. "Voldemort is evil. Voldemort is evil and was able to book an entire convention hall for his meeting of supreme evilness while all we got was this shack. After the meeting there will be ice cream sundaes courtesy of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, I'm not going near them. There is only one thing to fear and that is fear itself, so be pretty much terrified of the dementors. I think that's all with the little stuff. Now Harry is going to come back up here and explain the Top Secret Super Duper Finally Destroy Voldie-Pie Once And For All Plan…Version A," said Hermione. Who then walked away from the front of the room and sat down on the floor next to Ron.

Harry walked up and took her spot. "Thank you Hermione, I appreciate that. Now have I got a Super Duper Sure Fire Guaranteed to Work Good Plan To Destroy An Evil Person Plan for you!" exclaimed Harry to the applauding crowd. "All right, so first, Voldemort is going to capture me. Because, somehow, no matter how many guards I have watching out for my life I will get myself in trouble and get captured. So when Voldemort catches me I make sure I have my wand and several back up wands. Voldemort will turn his back to yell at someone and then I will perform a particularly nasty and difficult hex and turn him into a penguin. Once he is a penguin the death eaters will run away, because everyone knows that death eaters are scared of tuxedos, and penguins look like they're wearing tuxedos. I will then pick up Voldemort and we will send him to the San Francisco Zoo where they will feed him and take care of him and little children will play with him. The Great Plan To Destroy Voldemort…Version B is slightly different. In that plan we hide under rocks until a particularly infectious bought of pneumonia comes along and does away with Voldie. We all know he can't have all his shots. So…what do you think?" asked Harry anxiously.

"I love it!" screamed random person number 1.

"It's fantastic!" yelled random person number 2.

"I love how you've even managed to work torture in!" exclaimed random person number 3.

"Are we done now?" asked random person number 4, whom everyone glared at.

"All right, thank you for your input. If you will all deposit fifty pence in this jar here then you will each receive your copy of the real plan and the fake plan, don't get them confused. Can someone call Snape and Knucklebottom back in? We're ready to explain the cover plan," said Harry.

Someone walked out of the room and returned post-haste with Snape. Snape was frowning, with a reason. He was frowning because Knucklebottom was sitting on his shoulders playing with his hair. Right now Snape's hair was in a fascinating French twist. While Knucklebottom played with Snape's hair he was singing "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean" in a terribly out of key voice.

"I hate you Potter," said Snape.

Harry smiled weakly before beginning to explain the cover plan. A plan which involved several meters of wire, a white sheet with two holes for eyes, a green giant and a cage made out of licorice. When Harry finished explaining Ron stood up.

"I think we should do that one. That is an awesome plan," said Ron.

"Ron, sit down," sighed an exasperated Hermione.

"But Hermione, it's fantastic and he'd never expect it," Ron whispered to her.

"Shut it, Ron," said Hermione.

"All right!" said Harry, calling attention back to himself. "We are done here. Make sure you deposit your money and pick up your pamphlets. The ice cream sundaes are in the hall on the left. Thank you everybody for your time!" said an extremely excited Harry.

As Snape walked out, with Knucklebottom still on his shoulders, he pointed his finger at Harry. "I missed Bingo for this, Potter."

"Errr…sorry!" said Harry, before ushering everyone out of the room. He picked up the jar and shook it; the sound of money was music to his ears. "Screw the prophecy! I'm
heading to Rio baby!"


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