AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, I just bought some stocks in Square Enix. Now I'm a partial owner of all this stuff! And I don't have to do these disclaimers anymore!

Okay, I kid. I still own nothing. On with the fic. Oh, and again, reviews would be appreciated.


8. THE EVERYDAY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF CAPTAIN OMNISLASH, PT. 1

(Scene switches to CLOUD and VINCENT – hey, we finally see another member of the game's main cast! – sitting around near a lake.)

CLOUD: …Man, I told Tifa that I was a lousy hero. But then she had to go and confuse me with that "dilly dally, shilly shally" crap, and now I get my ass kicked because I just had to play hero.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

CLOUD: Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. Now, where was I?

VINCENT: You were talking about how much you suck as a hero and how you just got your ass kicked, despite the fact that you held your own pretty well for a guy who was outnumbered three to one.

CLOUD: You're not gonna start lecturing me too, are you, Vincent?

VINCENT: Nah, I'm not really the "dilly dally, shilly shally" type.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

VINCENT: I am, however, open to robbing the studio blind because of a careless loophole on their part.

CLOUD: So do you know anything about what Kadaj and those other two unfortunately-named silver-haired guys are up to?

VINCENT: Yeah, I've been spying on them for a while.

CLOUD: And yet you did nothing to stop them?

VINCENT: I figured my chances of success in a fight would be greater if someone else came along to keep them busy and wear them down. Good timing, Cloud.

CLOUD: (sarcastically) Gee, thanks Vincent.

VINCENT: In my defense, you know I've always preferred the stealth approach. Besides, the information I've picked up should be of some use to you.

CLOUD: So…let's hear it.

CASUAL GAMER: Yes, let's. Because I'm still not sure if I know what's going on.

VINCENT: It's about geostigma. Geostigma is basically the invasion of the body by dangerous cells that is fought against by sort of a pseudo-Lifestream that flows through the body that protects it from…intruders.

CLOUD: Uh, could you be a little more specific? I can't quite follow you.

VINCENT: Geostigma is a condition where the body becomes infected by Jenova cells.

CLOUD: So that's why I have geostigma…once again, my decision to join SOLDIER comes back to bite me in the ass. But why couldn't you have said so before?

VINCENT: Because I don't have a lot of dialogue other than this scene. I figured I'd make it last.

CLOUD: Whatever. Now go on.

VINCENT: You remember those two Turks from the first scene of the film, right? Tseng and Elena?

CLOUD: No, I wasn't really paying attention. I had a delivery to make. Gotta pay the bills, y'know.

VINCENT: Well, they got their hands on a shitload of Jenova cells up at the Northern Cave.

CASUAL GAMER: After all this time, the first scene of the movie finally makes sense to me.

VINCENT: Kadaj and his brothers were after the same thing. So they captured Tseng and Elena and almost tortured them to death in hopes of getting it from them. But they never did. I doubt anyone knows where the Jenova cells ended up.

CLOUD: Those guys are after Jenova? Then that must mean…

VINCENT: That's right. They could recreate Sephiroth if they really wanted to. And since they're the bad guys, they probably really want to.

CLOUD: God damn it, how many times am I gonna have to kill Sephiroth before he stays dead?

VINCENT: If it were that easy, do you really think Square Enix would be making so many spinoffs from our game?

CLOUD: Speaking of which, how's Dirge of Cerberus going?

VINCENT: Not too shabby, actually. I just wish some of you guys would have agreed to play bigger parts in it. I really don't know if I can handle being stuck with just Yuffie and Cait Sith for the long haul. I mean, since it's a shooting game, why not give Barret a bigger role, even? The man has a fucking gun for an arm, for crying out loud. I didn't always get along with the guy, but he's infinitely better than Cait Sith…

(MARLENE comes running out of the bushes.)

CLOUD: Marlene!

MARLENE: Cloud! Denzel's still with the others! And what about Tifa?

CLOUD: Don't worry, she's fine. We can rescue Denzel when the time comes.

MARLENE: I want to talk to her!

CLOUD: Okay, hold on… (searches pockets) Aw, damn it! I must have lost it during KICKASS ACTION SCENE #3!

MARLENE: (looks over at VINCENT) Do you have a phone?

VINCENT: No.

MARLENE: Well, why not?

VINCENT: Kid, I'm an undead pseudo-vampire guy who's even more dark and brooding than Captain Omnislash over there (points to CLOUD). Who would a guy like me talk to with a cell phone?

CLOUD: Hold up, did you just call me Captain Omnislash?

VINCENT: Yeah, why?

CLOUD: So you're the one who stole my diary!

VINCENT: No, I didn't. I didn't even know you had a diary until the other day when I heard Loz making fun of it. Just so you know…Captain Omnislash is a pretty cool name and all, but you can't give yourself a nickname.

CLOUD: And why not?

VINCENT: You just can't. It's really lame.

CLOUD: Whatever. Look, could you do me a favor and take Marlene home for me? I need to talk to Rufus about something.

VINCENT: Oh, he's still alive? I could have sworn he was killed near the end of Disc 2…

CLOUD: Yeah, he's alive…and he knows something about this whole situation that we don't. It's time to give Mr. President the ol' Jack Bauer treatment.

VINCENT: I can't bring the kid home, Cloud.

CLOUD: Why not?

VINCENT: I just can't.

CLOUD: You were able to take me here.

VINCENT: Yeah, well, that trick doesn't work as well when you're covering longer distances. It uses up a lot of magic points, too. And something tells me I'll need those later.

MARLENE: You know what, Cloud? I'll just walk home, since you obviously don't care. I mean, you're willing to let me go off with this creepy guy I don't even know?

CLOUD: Hey, Vincent's actually pretty cool once you get to know him.

MARLENE: That's not the point, Cloud! You just don't seem to care about any of us anymore…

CLOUD: I'm sorry, okay? I just have to take care of something for myself. It doesn't mean I'm selfish. It doesn't mean I don't care about you. This is just something really, really important that needs to be taken care of. When this whole mess is over, I'll start spending more time with you guys, got it?

MARLENE: No! You say that all the time, Cloud! And nothing ever changes!


A pretty abrupt ending to the chapter, I know. But while I was writing it, I decided to split this part into two chapters because I didn't it to be too long.

I then wound up writing chapters near the end of the fic that were even longer than this and Chapter 9 put together. Go figure.

Fun Fact: For a while I considered titling this fic "The Everyday Trials And Tribulations Of Captain Omnislash," but I decided against it because it's a pretty misleading title. It sounds like I'm turning Cloud into a superhero -- although the film does a nice enough job doing that by itself. Since I have a nasty tendency to not finish stories that I start (this thing notwithstanding), if anyone out there would like to use the name "Captain Omnislash" for a fic where Cloud becomes a superhero, then go for it. Just be nice and remember to credit yours truly. That's all I ask.