AUTHOR'S NOTE: I still own nothing.

Reading: This is what you are doing.

Reviewing: This is what I want you to do when you're done reading.

I know what you're thinking, folks -- "I can't believe he just stole a joke from The Master of Disguise. That movie sucked!" And I agree with you on both counts.


9. THE EVERYDAY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF CAPTAIN OMNISLASH, PT. 2

(CLOUD has a flashback to the "dilly dally, shilly shally" scene – and then ends up in that place with the white background.)

CLOUD: I want you to forgive me.

AERITH: For what? The 150 gil you borrowed from me that you never paid back?

CLOUD: No…something else. Something bigger…I want you to forgive me for letting you die.

AERITH: Cloud…

CLOUD: I was right there! I had my sword out and everything! And I still just stood there and watched Sephiroth murder you!

AERITH: Cloud, that wasn't your fault. You never saw him coming. And I died instantly. There was nothing you could have done…that time.

CLOUD: That time? What do you mean, that time?

AERITH: Cloud…I've been meaning to tell you this for some time…I died twice that day.

CLOUD: What? How?

AERITH: Remember when you dropped my body into that lake? The water in there was so cold that it sent a shock through my body that kick-started my heart again. Unfortunately, I never learned how to swim…

CLOUD: You've got to be kidding…

AERITH: I somehow made it back to the surface…I could see you all walking away…I called for you again and again, and you never came for me…I figured you didn't hear me and never would…so I gave up. And I drowned, Cloud. That's how it really happened.

CLOUD: …You mean, that was really your voice?

AERITH: Wait a minute. You did hear me?

CLOUD: …I…I thought I was hallucinating…I thought I was losing my mind…

AERITH: You did hear me…and you still didn't come for me?

CLOUD: I'm so sorry…I didn't know that was really you…

AERITH: Wow. This changes everything. I guess it really was your fault after all…

CLOUD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Scene switches back to the lake with CLOUD, VINCENT, and MARLENE.)

CLOUD: Hey, Vincent.

VINCENT: Yo.

CLOUD: Do you think sins can be forgiven?

VINCENT: Don't know. Don't really care, either. I've never been what you would call "religious." Why? What did you do?

CLOUD: It's not really something I did…but rather, something I didn't do.

VINCENT: Is this about that flower girl again, Cloud?

CLOUD: Um…sort of.

VINCENT: She's been dead for two years, Cloud. Two years and you haven't stopped angst-ing about it ever since. And no matter how many times you wish you could change it, no matter how many times you input that code into your GameShark, she's never coming back. There's nothing you can do now. What's done is done. You need to move on before you drive yourself crazy.

CLOUD: Well, it's not just that, Vincent. I have a lot of regrets. Things I've done wrong that I never should have done. I want to make up for that somehow…I don't want to feel guilty anymore.

VINCENT: And here I thought that saving the whole damn Planet and everyone on it would be more than enough to atone for everything you've fucked up.

CLOUD: You sound just like Tifa, Vincent. Only she doesn't swear. Not unless it's…y'know…that time of the month

VINCENT: That's because she's right, Cloud.

CLOUD: Well, technically, Aerith's the one who saved the Planet. She was the one controlling the Lifestream. All I did was kill Sephiroth.

CASUAL GAMER: I like how he makes that sound like it's no big deal.

VINCENT: …Either way, you did us all a huge favor. Just…think about what we're telling you instead of just blowing us off, okay? I mean, I'm sure you're sick of all the lectures by now.

CLOUD: Honestly, at this point I've been given the same lecture so many times that I feel like I'm immune to whatever you say.

VINCENT: Well, this is the only time you'll get it from me, so don't worry. But it really should have sunk in by now.

CLOUD: Thought you weren't the lecturing type, Vincent.

VINCENT: There's an exception to every rule.

CLOUD: All right, whatever. I'll give it a try. But I still want forgiveness for my sins. I'll let you know how everything turns out. (to MARLENE) Come on, I'll take you home.

(Scene switches to CLOUD's phone sinking to the bottom of the lake.)

VOICE MAIL: You have 48 saved messages. To listen to these messages, press 1 now.

(The phone bounces off a rock, and the 1 button is pressed down.)

(Clips of voice mail messages from other characters can be heard as the phone sinks, most of which aren't particularly relevant to the film.)

CASUAL GAMER: So, what's with all the voice mails? The guy never uses his phone. You'd think people would stop calling him or something.

FF7 FANBOY: You just don't get it, do you? It's supposed to represent how he values his friendships more than he's willing to admit.

CASUAL GAMER: Or it could just mean that he never checks his voice mail. I think you're reading too much into this.

FF7 FANBOY: Funny you should mention that, because you don't seem to be reading into it at all. You don't plan on attending film school, do you?

CASUAL GAMER: No, I don't.

FF7 FANBOY: That's too bad. Maybe then you wouldn't need the film to spell out every little detail for you.

CASUAL GAMER: Shut the fuck up and let me watch this movie.

(The phone hits the bottom; AERITH's voice can be heard supposedly coming from the cell phone.)

AERITH: Cloud…I guess I kind of overreacted. It wasn't your fault…well, it wasn't entirely your fault…okay, it was mostly your fault, but…you know what? This isn't coming out exactly the way I thought it would. I really hope you don't bother listening to this message. And before you ask – yes, they do have cell phones in heaven. Baseball too. Remember your old friend Zack? Turns out he's quite the second baseman. Oh, and he says hi, and not to worry, because he doesn't blame you for his death one bit.

(The battery dies.)

BATTERY: (robotic-sounding voice over) Cloud. This is your cell phone battery. I just died. And I blame you completely. Carrying your phone during a kickass action scene is never a good idea. Remember that, or I shall haunt your nightmares for the rest of your miserable angsty life.

(We see the wolf from earlier in the film looking down into the water; it disappears soon after.)

CASUAL GAMER: There's that wolf again.

FF7 FANBOY: Yup.

CASUAL GAMER: Ever figure out what it's supposed to symbolize?

FF7 FANBOY: Nope. Still working on that.

CASUAL GAMER: Now who needs to go to film school?

FF7 FANBOY: Shut the fuck up and let me watch this movie.


It was really hard to resist including the old "you're scheduled to pitch tomorrow" punchline when Aerith talks about baseball in heaven. It was also hard to resist making an easy joke about the role of the cell phone battery being played by Stephen Hawking.

And in case you're wondering -- yes, I do know what the wolf is supposed to symbolize.

Fun Fact: The first time I saw the famous scene in FF7 where Aerith is laid to rest in a lake, the first thing I thought of was the music video for "Mary Jane's Last Dance" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. In the video, Tom Petty steals the body of his dead girlfriend (played by Kim Basinger, if I remember correctly) from a morgue, takes her back to his place, and treats her as if she's alive. Eventually he gives up and releases her body into the ocean and walks away. In the final shot of the video, the dead girlfriend comes back to life and opens her eyes under the water. A great video by a great band.