AUTHOR'S NOTE: Still working on that "ownership of Square Enix and its characters" thing. Someday, I WILL own them all. Mark my words.

Actually, don't.


10. SKATEBOARDING IS NOT A CRIME; SUMMONING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF JENOVA SHOULD BE

(Scene switches back to the nameless city. YAZOO and LOZ are standing in front of what appears to be a Meteor monument. They're trying to tear it down.)

RANDOM CIVILIAN #1: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?

RANDOM CIVILIAN #2: Don't you know that vandalism is a crime?

YAZOO: Yep.

LOZ: And we just don't give a fuck.

RANDOM CIVILIAN #1: Do you have any idea how much tax money it took to get that fucking thing built? And now you're just going to destroy it for no apparent reason? I mean, how does this play into your evil scheme? It doesn't make any –

(YAZOO shoots the RANDOM CIVILIAN, who falls dead to the ground.)

YAZOO: Any more questions?

RANDOM CIVILIAN #2: Yeah…where do you guys get your hair done? It looks spectacular.

YAZOO: You could say it's a…family secret! (laughs wickedly)

RANDOM CIVILIAN #2: …I don't get it.

LOZ: …Me neither.

YAZOO: Oh, you're both hopeless…I thought it was pretty damn funny.

RANDOM CIVILIAN #2: Too bad you're the only one laughing.

YAZOO: (visibly pissed off) Oh, a wise guy, huh? You know, I wasn't really planning on doing any damage to this town, but since you people are obviously a bunch of whiny douchebags…you can have this instead! (summons a bunch of shadowy monsters that start attacking people)

LOZ: (shoots RANDOM CIVILIAN #2) And that's for stealing my one-liner!

(They get back to trying to destroy the monument.)

(Scene switches to TIFA trying to find DENZEL in the midst of the madness.)

TIFA: Denzel? Where are you?

(She finds DENZEL just standing around in the middle of the street.)

TIFA: Denzel! Are you all right?

(He doesn't respond.)

TIFA: Denzel, say something!

(He still doesn't respond.)

TIFA: (noticing DENZEL's eyes) What the…? Oh, I hope you haven't been put under some kind of trance allowing the bad guys to force you to do their bidding whenever they feel like it…

(Scene switches back to YAZOO and LOZ trying to destroy the monument. RENO and RUDE then show up out of nowhere, drawing the villains' attention.)

RENO: Hey, what the hell are you guys trying to do?

YAZOO: Mother is in here…we're trying to free her!

RUDE: And what makes you so sure that "she's" in there, of all places?

LOZ: We know the Shinra had her. And we know that they were the ones who built this monument. Could it be any more obvious a hiding place?

RUDE: I'm afraid I don't follow your logic. If it were really that obvious a hiding place, then why would we hide Jenova there?

YAZOO: You tell us. You're the ones who hid it!

RENO: No we didn't.

YAZOO: Yes you did!

RENO: No, we didn't. We're Turks. Technically, we're not part of the Shinra Corporation. Of course, we can still hold stocks in the company, but Shinra's stock value still hasn't recovered from the Meteor debacle, so we decided not to bother.

RUDE: And Jenova isn't inside that monument anyway. It's a big Meteor-shaped stone structure surrounded by chains, and that's all you'll find. You guys are just wasting your time and energy.

YAZOO: …I get what you're doing! You're using reverse psychology. You're telling us it's not inside the monument to make us believe there's nothing inside so we don't destroy it, when really it is!

RENO: …I'm not sure if that's how reverse psychology works. But if you want to destroy the damn thing that badly, go ahead. I ain't stopping you.

LOZ: You're not?

RENO: No. Do whatever you want to it. See if I give a rat's ass.

RUDE: Reno, our tax dollars went toward the construction of that monument.

RENO: Rude, I never pay taxes. It's all about exploiting the loopholes in the system. And the only loophole that's easier to exploit than the tax system loopholes in this town is the one that gives us five hundred dead presidents every time we say "Dilly dally, shilly shally."

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

RENO: (pumps his fist) Yes! I'm rackin' up the big bucks today, baby!

RUDE: You do realize that it only counts when you say it onscreen, so all those times you said it off-screen counted for nothing, right?

YAZOO: Um, hello? Bad guys about to do some serious property damage here!

RENO: Go ahead. Destroy it. Hell, I'll even give you a hand if you want.

LOZ: That won't be necessary. Hi-YAH! (karate chops the monument)

(The monument crumbles into a bajillion pieces; JENOVA is nowhere to be found.)

LOZ: Well, son of a bitch. You guys were right all along.

RENO: Told ya.

YAZOO: Well…there's nothing I hate more than being proved wrong! You two are going down!

(They start to fight.)

(Scene switches to KADAJ and RUFUS in a building that is apparently under construction because the entire outer wall is missing, giving them an unabridged view of the action.)

RUFUS: So, Kadaj…

KADAJ: Yo.

RUFUS: What exactly do you need the Jenova cells for anyway?

KADAJ: Didn't I already explain this?

RUFUS: You were a little too vague last time.

KADAJ: (sighs) Okay, fine. We need the cells so we can resurrect Sephiroth.

RUFUS: There you go. Was it really that hard to explain?

CASUAL GAMER: I knew that would be their scheme the second Vincent said they were capable of pulling it off.

FF7 FANBOY: I had a feeling that's what it would be before I even saw the movie. But before you say anything…that still doesn't make this film any less awesome.

KADAJ: It's strange, really. Sephiroth is dead, yet I can still sense him.

CASUAL GAMER: He's like an evil Obi-Wan Kenobi. "Use the dark side of the Force, Kadaj!"

KADAJ: I don't understand it…it's almost as if Mother prefers him over me…I can't stand it!

RUFUS: Aww, what's the matter, Kadaj? Did your mommy not hug you enough when you were a wittle boy?

KADAJ: It doesn't matter! With my help, she'll finally be able to rid the world of people like you for good!

RUFUS: Tell your mom she might want to focus on people like Cloud first, seeing as how he's the one who foiled her plans last time.

KADAJ: The order is unimportant! What matters is that Mother will not rest until she has completed her mission.

RUFUS: And as long as the Lifestream continues to exist and defend the Planet, your Mother will never win. It's a vicious cycle, isn't it? Never any thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat is eternal.

KADAJ: That's why you're after Mother? To stop her from succeeding? You'll be sorry, Mr. President…

RUFUS: Sorry? I'm actually getting a kick out of all this. It's the most exciting thing to happen to me in two years.

KADAJ: All right, then. Time to finish this.

(Something shoots out of his arm toward the sky…)


Oh, no! Another cliffhanger! Now you have to read Chapter 11 to find out what happens next!

Or you could rent the film. It's not bad for what it is, as long as you aren't expecting an epic that lives up to its predecessor. It's easy and fun to make fun of, though.That said, how awesome would this movie have been as a game?

Fun Fact: When Yazoo says his hair is a "family secret," he's referring to the fact that he inherited the hair from Sephiroth.But you probably figured that out. I just figured it wouldbe funnier ifnobody else in thescene gets his little joke -- not even his "brother" Loz.