AUTHOR'S NOTE: Still don't own anything. And honestly, I probably won't bother making an attempt to acquire it. Bring on Chapter 11!
11. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4 – THE FILM'S BUILT-IN EXCUSE FOR SUDDENLY SHOEHORNING THE REST OF THE MAIN CAST INTO THE PLOT
(Scene switches to the sky above the still-nameless city. A huge, dragon-like monster flies towards the city and begins to attack. Civilians panic and run away, hoping not to get killed. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4 is underway. And it's a motherfuckin' doozy.)
MONSTER: Rawr.
(Scene switches to TIFA and DENZEL.)
TIFA: Come on, Denzel! Snap out of it already!
(A shadowy monster tries attacking them, but the dragon-like monster stomps on it and looks right at TIFA and DENZEL.)
TIFA: (scared shitless) Oh…my…God…okay, don't panic, Denzel. Just don't move and it won't see you…
(The monster flies away.)
TIFA: Whew! Didn't think that would work…good thing this is a movie.
(Scene switches to RENO and RUDE fighting YAZOO and LOZ. RENO and RUDE are about to attack when they see the monster and stop dead in their tracks.)
RENO: (looking at monster) What…the…hell is that?
(AURON shows up out of nowhere.)
AURON: We called it…Bahamut-Sin.
RENO: Bahamut-Sin?
AURON: Yes. And we must defeat it before it destroys this town. Come with me, Cloud. Let's see what you're made of.
RENO: Uh…I'm not Cloud.
AURON: You're…not?
RENO: No. He's the one with spiky blond hair.
AURON: …I could have sworn the director said the hero had spiky red hair.
RENO: Yeah, I wish.
RUDE: The director can be difficult to understand sometimes. It was an honest mistake. Cloud should be here any minute now.
AURON: I see. Thank you for clearing up this confusion.
RENO: Don't mention it.
AURON: Oh, believe me…I won't. You know what they say…dead men tell no tales.
(AURON leaves.)
RENO: …What the fuck does that mean?
LOZ: Hey! We're not finished with you two yet!
(The fight resumes.)
RENO: Jeez, don't you guys ever give up?
YAZOO: Not until we get Mother!
RUDE: So…once you get your hands on Jenova, you'll stop all this?
LOZ: Of course. She'll take care of the rest.
RENO: You didn't think it would be that easy, did you Rude?
(A billboard falls on RUDE's head.)
RUDE: (stumbles about, somewhat stupefied from the impact) You know, for a second there…yeah. I kinda did.
(RUDE falls down.)
(RENO suddenly falls on top of him.)
RENO: Well…isn't this an awkward moment.
RUDE: Not quite as awkward as that time I caught you in the closet with your pants down and what appeared to be pictures of Tifa in your hand.
RENO: Uh…
RUDE: Or the time your mother told me she had a fetish for bald guys.
RENO: Rude…
RUDE: Or the time you –
RENO: That's enough! God, I never thought I'd be so eager to resume getting my ass kicked! (gets up, steps on RUDE's sunglasses)
RUDE: Hey, that was my best pair!
RENO: (looks at RUDE) You know, we've been working together all these years and it just now occurred to me that I've never seen your eyes before.
RUDE: (pulls out another pair of sunglasses) Take a picture. It'll last longer.
RENO: Don't mind if I do! (pulls out digital camera) Say cheese, partner! (takes a picture of RUDE without his glasses on)
RUDE: Note to self: Ask the boss for a new partner.
RENO: You've been saying that for years and you never have. I think you like me more than you're willing to admit, Rude.
RUDE: Can we just talk about this later? This scene's homoerotic enough already.
(They get up and continue the fight)
(Scene switches to TIFA and DENZEL again. TIFA is unconscious for no apparent reason – we never see exactly what happened to her between her previous scene and this one. DENZEL finally snaps out of his trance.)
DENZEL: Huh? How did I get here? (sees TIFA) And what happened to her?
DIRECTOR: It's not important.
DENZEL: Says you!
DIRECTOR: Fine. (pulls an explanation out of his ass) Uh…Bahamut-Sin did it.
DENZEL: That dragon monster?
DIRECTOR: Yeah, him. He did it. Now go kick his ass.
DENZEL: Yeah! (to BAHAMUT-SIN) You hear that, you ugly son of a bitch? I'm gonna kick your fucking ass! BRING IT ON, MOTHERFUCKER!
CASUAL GAMER: Whoa! Where did that come from? He seemed like such a nice, well-adjusted kid before…
(DENZEL runs after BAHAMUT-SIN, TIFA wakes up – and then BARRET shows up out of nowhere and stops DENZEL.)
BARRET: Hey, fool! Leave this to the pros! You take care of your mom!
DENZEL: Wait, Tifa's my mom? That doesn't make sense. She would've been 13 years old when I was born…
BARRET: Oh, you know what I mean! Now go make sure she's all right! And while I'm at it, I might not get another chance to say this, so…don't do milk, stay in drugs, and drink your school! You got all that?
DENZEL: Uh…sure, whatever you say.
TIFA: Barret! I was wondering if you'd ever show up in this movie!
BARRET: I know! It's about goddamn time, huh?
(BARRET leaves to fight BAHAMUT-SIN.)
(RED XIII shows up out of nowhere with CAIT SITH on his back. They join the fight against BAHAMUT-SIN as well.)
CAIT SITH: I can't believe the writers are giving me more dialogue than Red XIII!
ENTIRE AUDIENCE: (in unison) Neither can we.
(A shuriken flies through the air and strikes BAHAMUT-SIN. YUFFIE shows up – you guessed it – out of nowhere in front of TIFA and DENZEL.)
YUFFIE: The nerve of those bad guys! How dare they touch my materia!
TIFA: Um…your materia?
YUFFIE: Oh, yeah. I'd been meaning to tell you. I got Cloud to sign this contract making me the legal owner of all of our materia.
TIFA: Uh-huh. You wouldn't happen to have a copy of this contract, would you?
YUFFIE: As a matter of fact, I do! (pulls contract out of her pocket) The signature's on the dotted line on the last page.
(TIFA skips to the last page.)
TIFA: …This is the most obviously forged signature I have ever seen.
YUFFIE: What are you talking about?
TIFA: Well, for starters, Cloud doesn't write in pink ink. He hates pink.
YUFFIE: Yeah, well…he had to borrow one of my pens. His was dry.
TIFA: A likely story. Oh, and Cloud doesn't dot his I's with hearts either.
YUFFIE: Well…he does now!
TIFA: And his last name is spelled S-T-R-I-F-E, not S-T-R-I-P-H-E.
YUFFIE: It's his name! He can spell it however he wants!
TIFA: Nice try, Yuffie. But next time, at the very least, make some kind of effort to disguise your handwriting.
YUFFIE: Damn it! I guess I'll just have to steal it back from the bad guys, won't I?
TIFA: You do that.
YUFFIE: Okay…then I will! (runs off to join the fight)
(TIFA and DENZEL are suddenly attacked by a bunch of shadow monsters. CID shows up out of nowhere and kills them all.)
CID: Hey y'all! I finally made it into the fucking picture!
TIFA: How did you get here so fast?
CID: Check it out! (points upward) It's my newest airship model, the Sierra! Me and the boys from the Highwind crew have spent the last two years designing and building this motherfucker! Figured we'd take it for a little test drive, and we just so happened to stumble upon all this crazy shit!
TIFA: You don't even know what's going on?
CID: Darlin', I asked Reno what was up the other day, and the only thing I got out of him about the events of this here motion picture is that I can get five hundred smackers just for sayin' "dilly dally, shilly shally," whatever the fuck that means.
(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)
BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!
TIFA: (to herself) I never should have told Cloud about that bonus…never…
DIRECTOR: Yeah, nice going, Tifa. At the rate we're going Square Enix won't have enough money left to finish making this movie. And they're still in the red from Spirits Within, so every dollar counts.
CID: Well, now that I'm here, I might as well help you guys out! (runs off to join the fight)
(VINCENT shows up out of nowhere.)
VINCENT: Hello, Tifa.
TIFA: Let me guess…you're here to join the fight.
VINCENT: Actually, I was wondering if you would happen to know where I can buy a phone.
TIFA: Uh, Vincent? The city's under attack! This isn't exactly the best time to shop for a cell phone.
VINCENT: (looks at BAHAMUT-SIN) Pfft. I've had birthday parties that were more dangerous than this.
FF7 FANBOY: (drooling) Soooooo badass…
TIFA: Oh, fine…the cell phone store is right down this street on the left-hand side, between the coffee shop and the weapons store. There's a big neon sign. You can't miss it.
VINCENT: Thanks. (starts to leave, and then stops) By the way, should I get the family talk plan, the rollover minutes, or the normal plan?
TIFA: Knowing you? I'd recommend the rollover minutes. That way you won't lose 'em if you don't use 'em. And you probably won't use 'em.
VINCENT: Thanks. Oh, and do you recommend the camera phone as well? I hear they're pretty cool.
TIFA: You know what? Just get whatever you want.
VINCENT: Okay. See you in a few minutes. (leaves)
DENZEL: So…who were all those people?
TIFA: Believe it or not, they're our friends.
DENZEL: Interesting group.
The next two chapters will also be devoted to the epic fight scene with Bahamut-Sin. In other words, I had more fun with that scene than anything else in the entire movie. It's also probably the coolest part of the entire film -- yeah, that's right, even cooler than the fight with Sephiroth. (I didn't just spoil that for you, did I? No? Good.)
Fun Fact: Squall, Auron, Tifa, and Cloud are all in Kingdom Hearts 2. Yet while Squall still remembers what Tifa looks like (see Chapter 3), Auron has forgotten what Cloud looks like. But you, dear readers, already know this stuff. So what's the fun fact? Here it is: I am fully aware that this makes little to no sense.
