AUTHOR'S NOTE: Not only do I not own any characters from FF7, but I also don't own any of the characters who make cameos in this chapter. That's a whole lot of characters I don't own.

Also, this is the chapter with the brief nudity in it. You might be surprised by who it is that shows some skin, but if you're familiar with the character design it really shouldn't be all that surprising.


12. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4 – IT'S ALSO AN EXCUSE FOR THE FILM TO SHOEHORN A BUNCH OF RANDOM CAMEOS INTO THE PLOT

(The following scenes feature random and somewhat gratuitous cameos by characters from other Final Fantasy games.)

(Scene switches to BARRET firing at BAHAMUT-SIN. All of a sudden WAKKA shows up out of nowhere.)

WAKKA: Hey, brudda! Figured you could use some help, ya?

BARRET: Less talking, more hurting this monster!

WAKKA: All right, all right…stand back…boo-yah! (throws blitzball at BAHAMUT-SIN)

(The blitzball bounces off its body and appears to have done little to no damage.)

WAKKA: Damn! I hardly even scratched the thing!

BARRET: Well, what did you expect? Your weapon's a goddamn ball!

(Scene switches to CID, KAIN, KIMAHRI, and FREYA standing together carrying their lances.)

CID: All right, let's take this motherfucker down!

KAIN: Dragon Knights, HO!

FREYA: I AM NOT!

KIMAHRI: …

KAIN: Um…that's our battle cry…

FREYA: Oh…so it is. Carry on, then.

KIMAHRI: Kimahri thought it was a poorly used reference to Thundercats.

KAIN: Well…I guess it could be both.

(They attack.)

(Scene switches to a group of characters from FF8.)

ZELL: (sees BAHAMUT-SIN and drops his hot dog in shock) Holy shit, dude! Look at the size of that thing! It's insane!

RINOA: We've got to stop it before it destroys the city!

SQUALL: (leaning against a wall) …Whatever.

RINOA: What do you mean, "whatever"? Lives are at stake here, Squall!

SQUALL: …Whatever. It's not even our game universe. Why should we care?

SEIFER: Ah, leave him alone. Looks like he's too much of a chicken-wuss to fight.

SQUALL: …Whatever.

SEIFER: See, Rinoa? He's not denying it. Now why don't you come and fight by the side of a real man?

IRVINE: Come on, Squall, you're not gonna let Seifer cock-block you, are ya?

SQUALL: …Whatever.

IRVINE: Isn't there anything that might make you want to come with us?

SQUALL: (mumbling)…Hmm…maybe I'll see that hot girl from the church again…

RINOA: What was that?

SQUALL: Uh…I said, "I sure am glad to have Rinoa for a girlfriend."

ZELL: Well, if you want to keep her…

RINOA: I can speak for myself, Zell…

ZELL: …You're gonna have to come with us.

SQUALL: …Whatever.

(They all join the fight.)

(Scene switches to BRASKA and AURON as they fight BAHAMUT-SIN.)

BRASKA: Stand back, everyone! I'm about to finish this monster off once and for all!

CID: Pfft. The hell's he gonna do, throw his staff at it?

BRASKA: I will summon…the Final Aeon!

AURON: Braska, don't! It's going to kill you!

BRASKA: I'm sorry…I don't have a choice. We must finish this fight!

AURON: But what about your daughter?

BRASKA: …Promise me you'll take good care of her.

AURON: …All right, I promise.

BRASKA: Oh, and whatever you do, don't let her become a summoner.

AURON: …Heh, heh…now, why would she do that?

BRASKA: You're a good man, Auron. Well, here goes nothing! (summons the Final Aeon, dies)

AURON: Don't worry, old friend. Your death will not have been in vain!

(BAHAMUT-SIN kills the Final Aeon.)

AURON: Ah, damn it. I guess his death really was in vain after all. I'd better make sure to never tell his daughter about that…

(YUNA shows up out of nowhere behind AURON.)

YUNA: Tell me…what?

AURON: Oh, nothing.

YUNA: You're a bad liar, you know?

AURON: …Yeah. I know.

(Scene switches to a group of men standing in an alley. Some of the men are all named BIGGS. Others are all named WEDGE. The rest are all named CID – except for CID HIGHWIND, who is in the middle of fighting, that is.)

RANDOM GUY NAMED BIGGS: Biggs Battalion, attack!

(All the men named BIGGS attack.)

RANDOM GUY NAMED WEDGE: Wedge Regiment, establish a perimeter around the field of battle!

(All the men named WEDGE scatter throughout the city square.)

RANDOM GUY NAMED CID: Cid Squadron, get to your airships!

(All the men named CID – well, except for CID HIGHWIND – get to their airships.)

(Scene switches to a group of female characters from other games in the series.)

LULU: (shown from the shoulders up for reasons that will be revealed momentarily) All right, ladies, let's give this beast a nice dose of girl power! (turns to face the others) Who's with me?

(There is a brief, awkward silence.)

RIKKU: (giggling like a schoolgirl)

LULU: What?

TERRA: Wow…all I can say is, I'm so glad I've got Magiteks to cover me up.

LULU: I don't understand.

PAINE: It's your dress.

BEATRIX: Yeah, you might wanna fix that before we join the battle.

LULU: Why? What's wrong with my dress?

PAINE: Take a look.

(The camera zooms out, revealing that LULU has – how should I put this? – fallen victim to the dreaded "double nip-slip.")

LULU: …Yeah, this isn't good.

ENTIRE MALE AUDIENCE: YES THEY ARE! OH HELL YES THEY ARE!

LULU: Oh, be quiet – all of you.

RIKKU: (giggling gradually ceases) You're taking this a lot better than I would have thought, you know.

LULU: (fixing her dress) Haven't you ever noticed how low I usually wear this dress? Honestly, I'm amazed that this has never happened to me before.

VOICE: I say you leave them out!

LULU: What? Why?

(The camera pans around to reveal the speaker – it's CLOUD and he's dressed in drag.)

CLOUD: (faking a more feminine voice) Perhaps they'll…uh…distract Bahamut-Sin! Yeah, he'll take one look at those babies and just be like, "Whoa!" and stop everything, giving us all the opportunity to finish him off!

PAINE: Nice try, Cloud.

CLOUD: …Damn! (takes the wig off as he leaves)

FF7 FANBOY: See? I told you he wasn't gay.

CASUAL GAMER: The whole cross-dressing thing still creeps me out, though.

(Scene switches to ZIDANE and DAGGER running into the town square.)

ZIDANE: Holy crap, Dagger! And here I thought your mom had learned her lesson…

DAGGER: Um…that's not one of my summon spells.

ZIDANE: Oh. Well…look what it's doing to this town! Let's go kick its ass!

DAGGER: Are you crazy? Why do you want to fight that thing?

ZIDANE: Hey, that kinda reminds me of the story of Sir Edmund Hillary.

DAGGER: Who?

ZIDANE: Sir Edmund Hillary. He was a real-life explorer from New Zealand. He wanted to climb to the top of Mount Everest, something that nobody had ever done before. Everyone thought it was impossible except for Sir Edmund. And he worked hard and persevered and made it to the top of that mountain, with his Sherpa friend Tenzing Norgay at his side.

DAGGER: And how exactly is this relevant?

ZIDANE: Well, whenever people asked him why he wanted to climb to the top of Mount Everest, he told them all the same answer.

DAGGER: And? What did he say?

ZIDANE: "Because it's there."

(ZIDANE runs off to join the fight, and DAGGER, although somewhat reluctant, soon follows – but ZIDANE, not paying much attention to where he's going, bumps into TIFA by accident.)

TIFA: Ow! Hey, watch where you're going!

ZIDANE: Oh, sorry about – (sees TIFA) th-th-that…

TIFA: Um…are you all right?

ZIDANE: Never better…you know, it's almost as if we were destined to bump into each other here…at this time…in this town…during this kickass action scene. And there's nobody else in the entire world that I would've rather bumped into than a babe like you.

DAGGER: (catches up, and is visibly pissed at ZIDANE) Hey, what about me?

ZIDANE: (noticing that DAGGER has caught up with him) You're right, Dagger…this is quite a dilemma I've gotten myself into.

DAGGER: Oh, good grief…

ZIDANE: On the one hand, (puts arm around TIFA) there's a beautiful young brunette who looks like she knows how to kick some ass, and she's got an incredible rack to boot.

TIFA: (rolls her eyes)

ZIDANE: On the other hand, (puts other arm around DAGGER's waist) there's a beautiful young brunette who I know from personal experience can kick some ass…and also has a pretty kickin' ass. (affectionately pats DAGGER's ass)

DAGGER: (rolls her eyes)

ZIDANE: Ladies, there's only one way to settle this. (brief pause) We're gonna need a kiddie pool, a couple large bags of soil, about 15-20 gallons of high-quality H2O, and…we're gonna need you both to put on the tiniest string bikinis you can find and wrestle each other in it.

(There is a brief and awkward silence.)

TIFA: Oh, I'd totally do that. But as much fun as rolling around in the mud with a total stranger sounds… (to DAGGER) do you want to slap him first, or should I do the honors?

DAGGER: Don't worry. I'm used to it. I know how to take care of him. (grabs ZIDANE by the tail and starts to drag him away)

ZIDANE: (to DAGGER) Hey, she sounded like she was up to the challenge!

TIFA: Apparently sarcasm is easily lost on some people.

ZIDANE: (shouting to TIFA from a greater distance now) You didn't sound sarcastic at all!

TIFA: Oh, please. Anyone could have figured out that I had no interest at all in accepting the challenge.

DIRECTOR: Actually, Tifa…he's got a point there. Your delivery simply wasn't convincing enough.

TIFA: Come on! You may be the director, but you're still a typical guy. You were probably secretly hoping that Dagger and I would be willing to make fools of ourselves for your entertainment. But I ask you…what kind of role models would we be for the young women of this country – no, this planet – if we had actually agreed to do it?

DIRECTOR: Well, it certainly wouldn't have hurt DVD sales…but you really didn't give the line the convincing sarcastic delivery that you wanted to give it.

TIFA'S ACTING COACH (who is female, by the way): I hate to say it, but he's right, Tifa.

TIFA: Oh, fine! We'll just overdub that line later.

(Scene switches to VINCENT leaving the cell phone store, trying out his new phone.)

VINCENT: Can you hear me now? … Good.

(He walks a few more steps.)

VINCENT: Can you hear me now? … Good.

(He walks a few more steps.)

VINCENT: Can you hear me now? … I said, can you hear me now? … I said…oh, never mind…(hangs up phone)

(QUINA shows up out of nowhere.)

QUINA: HELLO!

VINCENT: …Who the hell are you?

QUINA: I Quina Quen! I help you kill bad guy! And after we kill bad guy, I prepare big delicious meal for everyone!

VINCENT: (still confused) Uh…

QUINA: I from Final Fantasy 9.

VINCENT: All right, now the writers are just throwing in random cameos for the sake of throwing in random cameos. What is this, Kingdom Hearts 3?

(SORA shows up out of nowhere.)

SORA: You rang?

VINCENT: …I hate my life.


This was my favorite chapter to write and read throughin this entire fic. Hands down, bar none. More fun than the "hair gel" scene. More fun than the "dilly dally, shilly shally" scene. More fun than the debate between Rude and Rufus in Chapter 2. And no, not because of Lulu's ta-tas. Although I really must know -- what is her secret? How does she keep that dress up? It's so long and wornso low that all she has to do is step on it once -- just once -- and it'll fall right off. Maybe it's all those belts underneath that do the trick, I don't know.

Anyhoo, just five chapters left and we're all done.

Fun Fact: This one might please the guys in the audience. I actuallyconsidered writing a bonus scene that would take place after the events of Advent Children where Zidane gets his wish and Dagger and Tifa agree to the mud wrestling match. There was to be a little wager involved between Zidane and Dagger, who is sick of his constant flirting with other girls, that went something like this: If Dagger wins, he stops the flirting and they go steady, and if Tifa wins, Zidane is free to flirt with whoever he wants. He foolishly agrees to the bet, not realizing that he's left the door open for Dagger to ask Tifa to lose on purpose so she can win the bet. Tifa, annoyed by his flirting with her in this chapter, agrees to do itand loses on purpose. So if I knew exactly what I wanted to do with this idea, why didn't I do it? Well -- no pun intended here -- I was afraid it would leave me feeling dirty. So I'll leave this one to your imagination.

Fun Fact #2: The "Sir Edmund Hillary" bit with Zidane and Dagger is a parody of the "Ipsen and Colin" scene with the same two characters in Final Fantasy 9. The setting was considerably different, though.