AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know you're getting tired of reading these author's notes -- hey, I'm getting tired of typing them --but I still don't own anything.
13. HERE HE COMES TO SAVE THE DAY! MIGHTY CLOUD IS ON HIS WAY!
(Scene switches back to TIFA and DENZEL in the town square. CLOUD shows up on a motorcycle – thankfully, he's wearing his normal clothing now.)
CLOUD: Hi, Tifa. Before you ask – I took Marlene home, so don't worry.
TIFA: Who's keeping an eye on her?
CLOUD: …That's a good question.
DIRECTOR: It's not important. Just get on with the scene.
CLOUD: You do realize the critics are going to have a field day with this film if you keep glossing over the details, don't you?
DIRECTOR: Who's going to review this film? It's going straight to DVD. Nobody reviews films that go straight to DVD.
CLOUD: Why not?
DIRECTOR: Don't ask me, 'cause I don't know why, but it's like that…and that's the way it is.
CLOUD: Oh, whatever. (to TIFA) So…what did I miss?
TIFA: Well, you missed the part where the bad guys summoned Bahamut-Sin, all the entrances of all of our friends, a ton of random cameos from other Final Fantasy characters, a little bit of product placement…oh, and I got hit on by a boy with a tail. Did I forget anything?
CLOUD: Yeah. You forgot the part where Lulu's ta-tas popped out of her dress.
TIFA: So it finally happened, huh?
CLOUD: Yeah, it finally happened.
TIFA: And this after I told her to try wearing her dress a little higher…wait a second, how did you know about that?
CLOUD: I, uh…heard it through the grapevine. You know, while I was doing all that dilly dallying and shilly shallying, or whatever you said…
(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen)
BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!
TIFA: You guys are all doing this on purpose, aren't you?
CLOUD: Actually, I was supposed to say it that time. So…wanna go for a ride?
DENZEL: Oh, I see where this is going…don't worry, I'll just, uh, go check on Marlene. (starts to leave) I'll see you later, right?
CLOUD: (looks at BAHAMUT-SIN, then back at DENZEL) Uh…I hope so.
(DENZEL leaves.)
(TIFA gets on the motorcycle.)
BARRET: (looks over and sees them) Hey, where the hell d'you think you're going?
CLOUD: We're gonna go make out for a little bit!
(TIFA blushes and tries to hide her smile.)
CLOUD: You think you guys can hold this thing off for a few minutes?
BARRET: D-d-d-DAMN! And to think I was actually looking forward to seeing your spiky-headed ass!
CLOUD: (laughing) Have fun, Barret! (drives off)
BARRET: (mumbling to himself) Goddamn stupid spiky-headed little…
(The fight continues for a few more minutes. Everyone except for CLOUD and TIFA continues to attack BAHAMUT-SIN without much success. BAHAMUT-SIN then fires a huge energy blast, but CID attacks his head, causing the blast to be redirected, striking a building. Various pieces of debris fall from the building. One such piece is about to crush BARRET…until CLOUD shows up out of nowhere – seems to be a trend today – and saves him before it lands.)
BARRET: What the hell's goin' on? That must've been a really short make-out session…
CLOUD: What? I was just kidding, Barret. I'd never abandon you guys in the middle of a battle! Right, Tifa?
TIFA: (obviously disappointed) Yeah…right. (walks away to continue the battle)
CLOUD: (scratching his head) Jeez…what's her deal?
BARRET: (grinning) You mean you still ain't figured it out?
CLOUD: Figured what out?
BARRET: Man, you really are dense.
(The fight continues.)
(Scene switches to RUFUS and KADAJ in the abandoned building. RUFUS is still in his wheelchair, which will become completely useless in about fifteen seconds.)
KADAJ: (eating popcorn) Damn, this actually turned out to be pretty entertaining. So…care to see the sequel?
(RUFUS is so angered by the events of the battle that he stands up sharply, rendering his wheelchair completely useless, and reveals that he's been carrying Jenova all along.)
KADAJ and AUDIENCE: WHAT THE FUCK?
RUFUS: A good son would have known.
KADAJ: (drops his popcorn) You mean…
RUFUS: Yes, Kadaj…I am your father.
KADAJ: (throws his head back, extends his arms for a more dramatic pose) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Scene switches back to the fight against BAHAMUT-SIN, who is hovering above the city as if he's waiting for CLOUD to attack him. CLOUD jumps to do just that and is helped by his friends along the way.)
BARRET: (grabs CLOUD's hand, flings him up) Go, Cloud, go!
(CLOUD reaches BAHAMUT-SIN and is knocked back down while BAHAMUT-SIN ascends.)
CID: (catches CLOUD with his lance) Fly!
CAIT SITH: (on RED XIII's back, grabs CLOUD's shirt and flings him up) Up, up, and away, Cloud!
RED XIII: Go!
YUFFIE: (grabs CLOUD under his foot and pushes him up) Go!
VINCENT: (jumps off a building, grabs CLOUD's hand in midair, and flings him up) Go, Cloud, go!
(Upon landing, VINCENT raises his hand in the shape of the "devil horns" and flicks his wrist a couple times.)
(TIFA jumps off an even taller building and grabs CLOUD's hand.)
TIFA: (whispering) I love you, Cloud… (throws him up) …I always have and always will
CLOUD: (to himself) Wish I could read lips. I couldn't make out a word she just said.
CASUAL GAMER: (pulling hair out in frustration)
FF7 FANBOY: (banging head against the wall)
(BAHAMUT-SIN and CLOUD fly toward each other. Suddenly BAHAMUT-SIN fires a huge ball of energy at CLOUD. CLOUD goes through the ball of energy and sees a white light and AERITH's hand extended toward him.)
CLOUD: Aerith? Does this mean…you forgive me?
AERITH: …It's a start. (throws him up)
(CLOUD draws the energy from the energy ball and performs Climhazzard on BAHAMUT-SIN. The attack slices the monster in half, killing it instantly. It disintegrates as CLOUD flips through the air and finally lands on the ground.)
(WEIRD MORTAL KOMBAT GUY appears in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)
WEIRD MORTAL KOMBAT GUY: TOASTY!
(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4 has finally come to a close – and is about to segue right into KICKASS ACTION SCENE #5.)
So, how many of you picked up on the Mighty Mouse joke in the chapter title?
This chapter in particular brings to light perhaps my favorite running gag of the fic, although I touched on it before. Tifa's gota thing for Cloud, see, and throughout the whole thing she tries to make her feelings for him more and more obvious, but hecontinuesfailing to receive any of her signals.
And I just had to include the Toasty Guy fromMortal Kombathere. Honestly, though, I'll be surprised if it gets any laughs, since it's so obvious a joke. Sorry, Toasty Guy. I should have done you better justice.
Fun Fact: The bit where Cloud's friends fling him up toward Bahamut-Sin comes pretty much directly from the part in the firstSpider-Man movie where Peter is trying out his new web-shooting powers. Even the way Vincent raises his hand in the shape of the devil horns and flicks his wrist comes from that scene. God, I loved that movie. Made me want to shoot webbing out of my wrists too.
