AUTHOR'S NOTE: Own these characters, I do not. Read and review, I think you should. Enjoy the fic and find it humorous, I hope you do. Annoying, Yoda-speak can get after a while, doesn't it?


14. TESTING THE THEORY THAT FREEWAY CHASE SCENES CANNOT BE EXCITING WITHOUT TRAFFIC ON THE ROAD TO PROVIDE OBSTACLES

(CASUAL GAMER pauses the film.)

CASUAL GAMER: You know, I just thought of something funny.

FF7 FANBOY: What's that?

CASUAL GAMER: There was a whole bunch of FF7 characters involved in that fight against Bahamut-Sin. And then a bunch of random characters from other Final Fantasy games showed up and started fighting him too. And the fight proceeded for a pretty long time without anyone doing any real damage to Bahamut-Sin. It really gives you the impression that this is going to be a very tough fight, and then Cloud shows up and kicks his ass within five minutes.

FF7 FANBOY: I fail to see the humor in that. He's just that awesome.

CASUAL GAMER: Dude. There were, like, dozens of other characters in that battle whose presence ended up being completely unnecessary. Either they really suck, or Cloud's been doing a whole lot of leveling up.

FF7 FANBOY: Dude. It's frickin' Cloud. He's just awesome. If he wanted to, he could probably beat the crap out of…well, pretty much anyone.

CASUAL GAMER: Still, don't you think maybe they might have made him a little too powerful?

FF7 FANBOY: Shut up and unpause the movie.

CASUAL GAMER: Oh, whatever. (un-pauses the film)

(Scene switches back to RUFUS and KADAJ. KADAJ tries to attack RUFUS, but RUFUS dodges it by jumping off the ledge. He pulls out a gun and starts shooting at KADAJ.)

KADAJ: Hey! Give me my mother, you…you…meanie! (jumps off the ledge)

RUFUS: (shouting to KADAJ) Did you hire Rikku to come up with your insults?

(RENO and RUDE see RUFUS falling.)

RENO: So, it seems the boss has decided to take a kamikaze approach to getting rid of Jenova.

RUDE: Great. Well, I guess this means we have to save him now. He'd better give us a raise for this one.

(RUFUS tries to shoot the box containing the JENOVA cells while falling. He misses and hits himself in the leg.)

RUFUS: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

(RUFUS tries again. This time he actually hits the box and releases it. KADAJ catches it while falling.)

KADAJ: Yes! Finally! Mother, I have you at last!

(RENO and RUDE arrive at the bottom of the building.)

RENO: Don't worry, boss! We've got you!

(RUDE shoots a net to catch RUFUS, who is still falling. All of a sudden TSENG and ELENA show up out of nowhere.)

ELENA: Hey, we were supposed to do that!

RUDE: I thought you two were dead.

TSENG: Well, it's actually a pretty interesting story…

DIRECTOR: It's not important. Get on with the scene.

(Meanwhile, RUFUS continues to fall. He falls through the net and crashes to the ground. His wheelchair has just become useful again, but naturally, it's still up on the ledge.)

RUDE: Ooh…that's gonna leave a few marks.

RENO: Uh…sorry, Mr. President!

RUFUS: YOU IDIOTS!

(KADAJ lands near a conveniently located motorcycle not far from where RENO and RUDE are standing. He checks the box to make sure it's okay, and then looks past RENO and RUDE to see CLOUD approaching on his motorcycle a couple hundred feet away. He gets on his motorcycle and drives off.)

RENO: (watches CLOUD pass them in pursuit of KADAJ) Oh, sure, Kadaj. Never mind the two guys standing right in front of you who are perfectly capable of kicking your ass…Cloud's coming, so you'd better get the fuck out of here. (to RUDE) Man, when do we get to do something cool?

RUDE: Remember that scene where we fought with Yazoo and Loz? That was our cool something.

RENO: What? We hardly got to do anything at all! The film kept cutting away from us!

DIRECTOR: You guys are mostly for comic relief. Just be glad you got to do something that was even kind of cool.

RENO: (obviously not satisfied) Fuck that shit! You hear me, Square Enix? As God is my witness, I will not let the credits roll before I do something cool!

(The credits start to roll.)

RENO: Very funny, you assholes.

(Meanwhile, KICKASS ACTION SCENE #5 is underway. CLOUD is chasing KADAJ, YAZOO, and LOZ on a motorcycle. They drive through the city – whose name still has yet to be revealed by the film – and eventually reach a highway with no traffic on it where CLOUD fights YAZOO and LOZ while they drive their motorcycles. They eventually reach a tunnel and continue to fight in that tunnel. CLOUD beats the crap out of YAZOO and LOZ and destroys their weapons and one of their motorcycles, forcing them to share the other.)

CASUAL GAMER: Man, these guys both suck.

FF7 FANBOY: They're fighting Cloud! Of course he'll kick their asses!

CASUAL GAMER: Yeah, because he came soooo close to beating them back in KICKASS ACTION SCENE #3.

FF7 FANBOY: He did, actually.

CASUAL GAMER: Bullshit. I'm starting to believe that Kadaj really does have all the superior genes. Notice how both times these two have fought Cloud without him they've let Cloud get away, while the one time Kadaj fought with them was when Vincent had to show up and get Cloud out of there before he could get his ass kicked.

FF7 FANBOY: Yeah, well…he's the good guy! He's supposed to win!

CASUAL GAMER: I know. It's just that he's making these two guys look completely incompetent and unnecessary in the process.

FF7 FANBOY: Can't you just sit back and enjoy the film without ripping on it all the time?

CASUAL GAMER: Excuse me for expecting the filmmakers to pay attention to the little details just as much as they do the big things.

FF7 FANBOY: I'm never watching this movie with you again. You're taking all the fun out of it.

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #5 pauses for a moment. We see KADAJ zooming down the road far away from the tunnel. Scene switches to RENO and RUDE standing at the exit of the tunnel.)

RUDE: Hey, Reno?

RENO: Yo.

RUDE: Cloud and the evil triplets are all riding really fast motorcycles, right?

RENO: Yep.

RUDE: And there was nothing in our previous scene that suggested that we had come into possession of a vehicle, right?

RENO: Yeah.

RUDE: And even if we had acquired a vehicle, we never could have caught up to any of the others, much less pass them, right?

RENO: I don't know. Probably. What are you getting at?

RUDE: I guess what I'm getting at is…how the hell did we get here before Cloud, Yazoo, and Loz?

DIRECTOR: It's not important.

RENO: Yeah. Besides, we had to beat them here somehow so we could finally get to do something cool.

RUDE: Oh, God, not this again…

RENO: Check this motherfucker out! (pulls out a bomb)

RUDE: Where in the fuck did you get that?

DIRECTOR: Again, not important, get on with the scene, yadda yadda yadda, you know the deal by now.

RUDE: (to DIRECTOR) Yes, it is important! Why in the fuck would you trust someone like Reno with a bomb? Am I the only sane person on this entire set?

RENO: Well, you know what they say, Rude…dilly dally, shilly shally.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

RENO: Yes!

RUDE: …Reno, I swear to God, I'm going to beat your fucking face in if I hear you say "dilly dally, shilly shally" one more goddamned time.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

RUDE: FUCK! Now you've got me doing it!

(As RENO laughs, motorcycle engines can be heard echoing through the tunnel, coming toward them.)

RENO: Well, here they come. Can you believe it, Rude? Our last scene in the film is about to come to an end. It's kind of sad, isn't it?

DIRECTOR: (starts flipping through the script)

RUDE: Just set the damn bomb, Reno.

(RENO watches CLOUD zoom by on his motorcycle and sets the bomb after he passes.)

RENO: Fire in the hole, pretty boys!

(RENO and RUDE take cover.)

(The bomb detonates just as YAZOO and LOZ reach it – and turns out to be fireworks. The words "HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY FROM ALL OF US AT SQUARE ENIX" appear on the screen.)

RENO: What the fuck? FIREWORKS? Damn it! Son of a bitch! Just once, I'd like to do something cool in this movie without it turning into comedy relief!

RUDE: You're not paying attention, Reno! Look!

(YAZOO and LOZ, disoriented and badly burned by the fireworks, crash their motorcycle on the side of the highway and go flying off onto the asphalt.)

RENO: Well, I'll be damned…those fireworks came in handy after all.

RUDE: Satisfied now, Reno?

RENO: …You know what? It's cool enough for me. What do you say we collect our paychecks and get out of here…partner?

RUDE: Sounds good to me.

DIRECTOR: (stops flipping through the script) Actually, you guys are still in one more scene.

RENO and RUDE: WHAT?

(Scene switches to CLOUD, who is still in pursuit of KADAJ. Eventually he catches up to KADAJ and they start attacking each other with their swords while driving. They end up flying off the road and land on a hill below.)

CASUAL GAMER: And that is why the first thing they teach you in every Driver's Ed class is to never take your eyes off the road.

FF7 FANBOY: I must admit, though, I've always been kind of curious about what it would be like to have a sword fight while driving.

CASUAL GAMER: I am so glad you were too busy breeding chocobos to get your driver's license.

FF7 FANBOY: Hey, the Knights of the Round materia is definitely worth all that effort.

(CLOUD and KADAJ go skidding down the side of the hill, still attacking each other with their swords. KADAJ stabs CLOUD in the left shoulder and rides off while CLOUD stops and tears off his left sleeve. The geostigma in CLOUD's left arm has gotten very severe. This moment marks the end of KICKASS ACTION SCENE #5. But not to worry – KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6 will begin shortly.)

CASUAL GAMER: Eww…that looks pretty damn bad.

FF7 FANBOY: Did you expect a diseased arm to be pretty?

CASUAL GAMER: No. I'm just saying that since it looks that bad, he probably shouldn't be doing all this crazy shit.

FF7 FANBOY: Oh, come on. He's Cloud, for crying out loud. He can do anything.

CASUAL GAMER: You know, if it weren't for those markings all over his arm, I'd say Cloud was pretty healthy. Other than that, he seems completely normal. Come to think of it, so does everyone else with geostigma. I guess it's not that bad a disease after all.

FF7 FANBOY: Um, hello? It can kill you!

CASUAL GAMER: Yeah, and aside from that and those nasty marks all over your body, what does it do? Without the blemishes, how can you tell a diseased person apart from a healthy one?

FF7 FANBOY: …Well, that just makes it scarier! You don't know how to tell who has it, so anyone could have it! You could catch it from anyone!

CASUAL GAMER: …Wow. You have just completely mastered the art of bullshit. Congratulations.


I'll be honest. I've seen this movie, I've read about it, and I've read the actual script countless times while writing this fic, and I'm still not entirely certain what geostigma does. I think I might be kind of close, but if anyone has a better understanding of it, by all means, help me out.

And does anyone else find it amusing that the Turks were these tough but sometimes funny characters (that kicked my ass more times than I'd like to admit) in the game, and then they're mostly comic relief in the movie? Oh, and where do Tseng and Elena come from?

But anyways, that's enough of this mini-rant. On to Chapter 15!

Fun Fact: For the part where Rude threatens Reno for saying "dilly dally, shilly shally" in this chapter, I had originally considered using a memorable line from Pulp Fiction to get Rude's point across.The line would have sounded something like,"Say it! Say that again! I dare ya! I double-dare ya, motherfucker! Say "dilly dally, shilly shally" one more goddamned time!" And to a certain extent, it's in there. But it didn't really sound like something Rude would say, so I decided against it. Of course, since by now Reno's constant repetition of the line has driven him nuts, I suppose it would make a little more sense in that context.