AUTHOR'S NOTE: I own nothing. And don't worry...there are only two of these repetitive author's notes left after this one.


15. THE MAKERS OF THIS FILM CLEARLY WANT YOU TO BE SICK AND TIRED OF KICKASS ACTION SCENES BY THE TIME THIS FILM IS OVER

(Scene switches to KADAJ inside the church. He pulls out the box containing the JENOVA cells.)

KADAJ: Mother!

(He looks at the box and then cries out. Apparently he's now realized that RUFUS had shot it just before KICKASS ACTION SCENE #5 began.)

KADAJ: Mother! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

CASUAL GAMER: God, Kadaj is just so…emo.

FF7 FANBOY: Now that we can agree on.

(Suddenly an EMO KID shows up out of nowhere. What's with all these random characters popping up out of nowhere? (Editor's Note: Could it be your shoddy screenwriting? No, that couldn't possibly be it…))

EMO KID: God, you guys are such idiots. "Emo" refers to a genre of music. The word "emo" is a short name for "emotive hardcore rock music," bands like Fugazi or Sunny Day Real Estate. That's all. A person cannot actually be emo. Those whiny kids who wear hoodies and eyeliner and girl pants and mope about while writing shitty poetry in their diaries all day between shopping trips to Hot Topic are just a bunch of posers who know nothing about the scene. Obviously, you two know about as much or even less.

(There is a brief silence.)

CASUAL GAMER: Hey, did we ask you for your input, Willy Wikipedia? No.

FF7 FANBOY: Seriously. Just go back to listening to your shitty Bright Eyes and Death Cab For Cutie albums now. We're watching a movie here.

EMO KID: (eyes start to water) DEATH CAB AND BRIGHT EYES DO NOT SUCK! (runs away crying and locks himself in his bedroom)

(CASUAL GAMER and FF7 FANBOY both laugh.)

CASUAL GAMER: Wow…what a pansy.

FF7 FANBOY: I know. That's why I can't stand emo kids, man. They're such crybabies.

CASUAL GAMER: "I hate emo kids because they cry too easily," says the guy who cried over the death of a fictional video game character.

FF7 FANBOY: Okay, now you've crossed the line. Aerith's death was a very poignant scene!

(TELLAH, GALUF, and GENERAL LEO show up out of nowhere.)

TELLAH: My death scene was poignant too, but you didn't cry over that.

FF7 FANBOY: I would have under normal circumstances, but after you said "You spoony bard," I simply couldn't take you seriously as a character. Every time I saw you on screen all I could think of was that line.

TELLAH: Curse Square's script writers…thanks to them, I'm remembered more for one stupid line of dialogue than anything else. Hell, they etched the damned phrase on my tombstone!

(We see a quick shot of TELLAH's grave. The tombstone reads, "HERE LIES TELLAH – EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE STILL CAN'T STAND SPOONY BARDS.")

TIFA: (off-screen) And then they wonder why the only reason I said you-know-what was that bonus.

GALUF: Well, what about my death scene? They tried using Phoenix Downs and life spells and everything on me! You're telling me that didn't bother you at all?

FF7 FANBOY: Wait, you died in FF5?

GALUF: You didn't know?

FF7 FANBOY: I never got that far. The plot just didn't hold my interest. The villain's name was X-Death, for crying out loud. How interesting could it have been?

GENERAL LEO: Well, I know you got far enough to see me die.

FF7 FANBOY: Sorry, Leo. I liked Kefka too much to feel sorry for you.

CASUAL GAMER: I can't believe I'm still sitting through all this. Can we get back to the movie now?

(The film finally continues after this lengthy interlude.)

CASUAL GAMER: Thank you!

(KADAJ hears CLOUD's motorcycle approaching outside. CLOUD pops a wheelie and opens the door with his bike – as opposed to simply getting off the bike and opening the door by hand, because this way is cooler. KADAJ attacks him with magic, allowing him to run away like the pansy he is.)

KADAJ: Hey, I'm not a pansy!

(KADAJ realizes that he is, in fact, a pansy.)

KADAJ: Stop that!

(KADAJ continues to whine like a little baby.)

KADAJ: Knock it off! You're breaking the fourth wall again!

(KADAJ realizes that arguing with THE WRITER is totally futile and will accomplish nothing.)

KADAJ: Oh, I fucking give up! I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate Hollywood screenwriters!

(To show just how angry he is, KADAJ attacks CLOUD and knocks him off his motorcycle. He then drives away. Meanwhile, CLOUD is about to suffer another geostigma attack when – wait a minute, is it starting to rain indoors?)

CLOUD: (looking up) What the hell is going on?

CASUAL GAMER: You know, I rip on meteorologists all the time, but I think this time I'll cut them a little slack – nobody could have predicted an indoor rainstorm.

(The rain cures CLOUD's geostigma.)

CLOUD: Sweet!

(CASUAL GAMER is hopelessly confused.)

CASUAL GAMER: That's it? That's the cure for geostigma? Water?

FF7 FANBOY: Come on. That's not just any water.

CASUAL GAMER: (sarcastically) Oh, of course it's not. It's obviously holy water that Aerith somehow managed to bless from beyond the grave, somewhere in the Lifestream or wherever the hell people go when they die in this game, infusing it with her special Cetra powers that allow it to cure geostigma.

(AERITH's voice can be heard coming from the water.)

AERITH: Cloud! I've somehow infused my Cetra powers into this water from beyond the grave, allowing it to cure geostigma! You're all better now! Now let's go take care of Kadaj!

(CASUAL GAMER's jaw hits the fucking floor.)

CASUAL GAMER: You have got to be kidding.

FF7 FANBOY: Good call, dude. You should really consider a career in screenwriting.

CASUAL GAMER: (still stunned) You have got to be kidding. I can't fucking believe that's actually what happens. I was just pulling that out of my ass.

FF7 FANBOY: Told you it wasn't just any water.

(Scene switches to KADAJ and CLOUD at the Midgar ruins. CLOUD pulls out one of his many oversized swords. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6 is coming right up.)

KADAJ: Brother! Great news! I've finally reunited with Mother!

CLOUD: Kadaj…for the last, absolutely final time, I am not your fucking brother.

KADAJ: Pfft. Cloud, you pinhead! This is Square Enix we're dealing with here. The word "final" means nothing to this company anymore. The series is called FINAL Fantasy, yet they've got Final Fantasy 12 just now coming out in Japan, new Final Fantasy 11 expansion packs coming out every few months, two Final Fantasy 10s already on the market, three Final Fantasy 13s in the works, and they've still got this "Compilation of Final Fantasy 7" thing to finish. That's a shitload of games. And that's not even counting the Tactics games, the Legends, Mystic Quest, Crystal Chronicles, and all those remakes of earlier games in the series. But did you know that the original Final Fantasy was supposed to be Square Enix's last game? If sales figures for that first game had been any lower, the company could have gone under and you and I wouldn't even exist. (pauses to let it sink in) In fact, since the original was supposed to be their last game, I guess you could say that we were never even meant to exist in the first place.

CLOUD: Kadaj, we're not here to discuss the nature of our existence. The audience expects KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6, and goddamn it, we're going to give them KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6.

KADAJ: Oh, where are my manners? Here I am trying to deliver intelligent, thought-provoking dialogue…in the middle of a mindless action movie based on a video game. What was I thinking?

CLOUD: So, anyway…you've finally got Jenova. What are you going to do now?

KADAJ: I'm going to Disney World, Cloud.

CLOUD: Really?

KADAJ: No, you dumbass! I'm the bad guy! I've been trying to get my hands on Jenova for the entire movie! What the hell did you think I was going to do?

CLOUD: So, you're not going to Disney World?

KADAJ: NO, I AM NOT GOING TO DISNEY WORLD! How fucking dense are you?

CLOUD: But you just said you were going to Disney World. Now you say you aren't. So which is it, Kadaj? Tell the truth this time.

REPUBLICAN AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Flip-flopper! Flip-flopper! Flip-flopper!

DEMOCRATIC AUDIENCE MEMBERS: He's not flip-flopping! He's trying to appeal to both the audience members who want to go to Disney World and the audience members who don't want to go to Disney World at the same time.

REST OF AUDIENCE: Who gives a shit? We want to see KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6!

CLOUD: That's right. We have a fight scene to deliver. So…bring it on, you miserable little puppet.

KADAJ: A puppet, am I? Well, you know what they say… (prepares to fire an energy blast out of his hand at CLOUD) It takes one to know one! (fires energy blast at CLOUD)

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6 is finally underway. KADAJ and CLOUD battle in the Midgar ruins.)

(Scene switches to the Sierra – CID's sweet new ride, in case you missed it back in KICKASS ACTION SCENE #4 – where the rest of the main cast from FF7 is standing, watching KICKASS ACTION SCENE #6 through a really big window.)

YUFFIE: (holding the box o' materia) Hey, bad guys! ALL YOUR MATERIA ARE BELONG TO US!

TIFA: Wow…I guess I can rest easy now that someone has actually said something dumber than…

DIRECTOR: DON'T SAY THAT LINE! We're starting to run out of money!

YUFFIE: Hey, how dare you! It's not nice to interrupt a lady!

TIFA: It's okay, Yuffie…seriously.

YUFFIE: But what did you say that was so dumb? You never say stupid things.

VINCENT: You mean you didn't know? Tifa told Cloud, and Reno overheard it, and then Reno told, like, everyone else. Well…everyone except you, apparently.

YUFFIE: Told everyone what?

TIFA: I had to say a really dumb line earlier in the movie, and the director offered me a $500 bonus for every time I said it, and then everyone else found out and they're all saying it because the director never said that they couldn't get the bonus.

YUFFIE: What's the line?

EVERYONE EXCEPT YUFFIE: "Dilly dally, shilly shally."

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

DIRECTOR: …I hate you all.

TIFA: Well, you should have listened to me when I told you I didn't want to say that line.

(They get back to watching the fight. At one point, the Sierra almost hits CLOUD and KADAJ.)

BARRET: Whoa! That was way too close! Yo Cid, stop this crazy thing!

CID: Ah, shut up. I got this thing under control.

(The Sierra hits something and shakes violently. Several cast members fall down.)

CID: (pretending nothing's happened) Yep…completely under control. (puffs on his cigarette)

BARRET: Well…don't you think we should at least make some kind of effort to help him?

CID: Seems to be doing all right by himself.

BARRET: But one of the most important themes of this entire goddamned movie is Cloud learnin' that he's got friends who will help him when he needs it! And yet here we are standin' around watchin' him fight! What the hell is this, an episode of Dragon Ball?

DIRECTOR: Actually, Dragon Ball did provide us with inspiration for some of the action scenes.

VINCENT: And besides…Kadaj is a remnant of Sephiroth. He's like a caterpillar in its cocoon…only much more evil and he doesn't spend his entire life eating. Oh, and there's no cocoon.

CID: He's gonna turn into Sephiroth!

TIFA: I thought you said Reno didn't tell you anything about this movie.

CID: He didn't. I just figured that out by myself just now.

ENTIRE AUDIENCE: And we figured it out a long time ago.

TIFA: I hope Cloud's figured it out.

VINCENT: Knowing Captain Omnislash? I doubt it.

YUFFIE: Then we should go help him out!

CAIT SITH: No, no we shouldn't.

YUFFIE: And why not?

CAIT SITH: Were you not payin' attention, lassie? He's fightin' a bad guy who's gonna turn into Sephiroth! And I don't know about you, but I'd rather not die today! You got that, lassie?

CASUAL GAMER: Since when was Cait Sith Scottish?

FF7 FANBOY: Apparently the casting directors at Square Enix thought it would be cool to let Groundskeeper Willie speak through Cait Sith instead of Reeve.

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Ach! Sephiroth wouldn't stand a chance against a well-oiled, ill-tempered Scotsman like me-self.

CASUAL GAMER: You keep telling yourself that.

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Aye. Oh, and that Tifa…she's a bonnie lass, isn't she? She can play Willie's bagpipe any day!

CASUAL GAMER: Um…okay…

(The film continues.)

YUFFIE: I can't believe you! I wanna get out there and kick some ass! Why do we have to stay here?

TIFA: Think about it. It's been two years since the last time we were involved in any fights. Sure, we were all at around level 66 or something like that at the time, but we haven't done anything since. Cloud, on the other hand, has apparently been keeping up with his stats. Which is smart, because you never know what'll happen to you while you're traveling the globe making deliveries.

CID: Funny, you'd think a delivery boy would lead a less stressful life.

YUFFIE: This sucks! If I had known sooner that I'd be reduced to glorified-cameo status while those idiots from the Turks get loads of screen time, I never would have signed on to do this movie. Why does Cloud get to do all the cool stuff, anyway? God, he's just the biggest pain in the ass…

TIFA: That's just how he rolls.

BARRET: Well, he's got ten minutes. Then I'm goin' down there.

CID: Are you out of your fucking mind? Sit your ass down and watch the goddamn FIGHT!

BARRET: Hey, we got involved in this fight too. And you know what I always say…

TIFA: We know, we know…

EVERYONE EXCEPT BARRET: "There ain't no gettin' offa this train we on 'til we get to the end of the line!"

BARRET: Damn. Didn't realize I said it that much. But in ten minutes, I'm goin' down there. Well, unless Kadaj turns into Sephiroth first. Then Cloud's on his own.

(Scene switches back to CLOUD and KADAJ as they continue their fight. It's really cool. Eventually CLOUD finally defeats KADAJ, who is left hanging off a ledge by one hand. KADAJ suddenly throws the box containing JENOVA at CLOUD. CLOUD is distracted, allowing KADAJ to jump from the ledge and grab the box as he falls.)

KADAJ: This is it, big brother…my Reunion. An old friend of yours has been waiting to see you…

(KADAJ allows the JENOVA cells inside the box to enter his body. CLOUD, apparently realizing what KADAJ is doing, jumps off the ledge in pursuit. He sees KADAJ land at the bottom. But when CLOUD lands, he realizes that KADAJ has done something truly terrifying – well, terrifying to him, anyway, since if you've been paying attention to the film you would have seen this coming a mile away…

…KADAJ has transformed into SEPHIROTH.)


Even though Chapter 12 was my favorite one to write, this one has some of my favorite jokes. There are more references in this one (including The Jetsons, The Simpsons, and a rather easy "All Your Base" joke, among others) than in other chapters, which are more centered around whatever smartassed one-liners I can come up with, but I still had fun writing this chapter. My favorite bit is the lengthy interlude with Casual Gamer and the FF7 Fanboy near the start of the chapter.

Well, two chapters left. And they're both pretty long. Chapter 16 in particular is rather lengthy because of how I wanted to end it. You'll see soon enough.

Fun Fact: So many possibilities for this chapter. But I'll go with the part where Tifa mentions how everyone was at or around level 66 when they beat Safer Sephiroth at the end of the game. This is a little in-joke that nobody's gonna get except for me without this little section here. My final party for Safer Sephiroth consisted of Cloud, Barret, and Tifa -- all of whom were at or around level 66 when I beat him for the first time. It took me about ten tries to finally kill him (thank you, Hades summon, for slowing him down!) because I was fighting him without any Level 4 Limit Breaks, no Knights of the Round, no W-Summon (although I think I had W-Magic and Mega-All, but I don't remember), and I think I had one character equipped with HP Plus and MP Plus materia. I've kept that save file for years and recently brought my "big three"up to around level 75 and gave every character one or two HP Plus and MP Plus materia. I alsogot W-Summon at the Gold Saucer and taught Cloud Omnislash and Tifa Final Heaven. And Omnislash is almighty. I will never fear the Supernova spell ever again.