Chapter 14
Wakefulness returned to me with a dull throb at the back of my head.
"Damn witch," I muttered acidically under my breath as I rubbed the bruise. "I'm fragile, dammit!"
"Oh, not anymore you're not."
I blinked in confusion at the familiar voice that hit me. "Wha-?"
THWACK!
"OUCH!" I yelped as a fist slammed into the middle of my forehead, followed by the exact spot Kureha had hit bouncing off of the headboard. "Sonnuva-NAMI!" I growled, clutching the growing goose egg on the back of my skull. "Why the hell did you hit-!?" I blinked as my mind caught up with things. "Wait, you hit me!?"
"Yup!" Nami grinned cattily as she loomed over me. "The good doctor Kureha saw to it to give you a few vitamin supplements of her own creation. According to her, your bones are still a bit weak, but other than that..."
I barely managed to restrain a choked yelp as Nami slammed her fist right next to my head.
"You're mine..." she hissed venomously.
"Mommy..." I whimpered, shivering nervously in my bed.
"Nami, he's only just waking up! Leave him alone."
"Thank you, Vivi!" I gasped in relief as the blue-haired princess interjected on my behalf.
"Excuse me?" Nami deadpanned as she affixed a flat glare on Vivi.
To her credit, Vivi managed to stand strong in the face of Nami's Wrath for all of ten seconds before wilting in terror. "At least until we're back on the Merry?" she offered weakly.
And just like that, Nami was back to her 'pleasant' self. "That's what I like to hear!" she chirped.
"Allow me to reiterate: thanks a lot, Vi-OW!" My deadpan reply was cut off by Nami hitting me again. "Will you stop doing that!?"
"Not any time soon I'm not!" Nami grinned as she cracked her knuckles menacingly. "You've managed to cause me a lot of pent up frustration, and I'm going to be cashing in for a long time coming." Suddenly, a vicious glint entered her glare. "Your latest stunt has got me especially steamed.
I felt a pit form in my stomach as I thought about just what could piss off Nami this much. "So, uh, I guess you've seen the hospital bill, then?" I said as cheekily as I could muster.
Vivi plastered an uncomfortable smile on her face as she chuckled ruefully. "It was... quite substantial."
Coming from a legitimate princess, that statement gave me absolutely no comfort. In fact, it gave me negative comfort.
"Your attending physician," Nami spat the words as though they were toxic. "Threatened to take the Going Merry as collateral, and she would have too if we hadn't managed to compensate the small fortune she asked for as a down payment." Nami looked away at the last bit, grumbling darkly.
"Oh, well that's-! Waaait..." I blinked in confusion as I processed what she'd just said. "You... wouldn't have had any money on you coming up here, so how could you have possibly..." I trailed off as I realized just how quiet things were. "Guys… where's Soundbite?"
Vivi's blush and inability to look me in the eyes and Nami's lip-chewing and roof-examining were answer enough.
"Seriously!?"
"I tried to stop her!" Vivi hedged hastily.
"IT WAS YOUR IDEA, BITCH!" Nami howled viciously in return.
I gave Nami an incredulous stare. "Do you think I'm that stupid?" I scoffed.
"Actually..." Vivi poked her fingers together sheepishly. "She's right."
I blinked once, twice as I attempted to restart my stalled brain. "...I-I'm sorry, what?"
"I-I'm sorry!" Vivi squeaked miserably. "I-I just thought that you'd be able to find a way to convince her to give him back, that's all!"
"Actually, Cross..." Nami interrupted, leaning in with a serious expression and placing her hand on my shoulder. "You're going to have to do a little bit better than that."
I blinked at her in confusion. "What are you-OH-SWEET-MOTHER-OF-MARY!" I hissed as her hand became a vicegrip.
"Because you see..." she hissed demonically. "Unless you manage to find a way to get her to drop the entire bill, then I'll be taking the little... discount she offered us."
The way she said the word 'discount' chilled me to the bone. "What discount?" I asked nervously.
Nami must have eaten the Cat-Cat Fruit, Model Cheshire while I was out, because that is the only explanation I can think of for how her smile managed to get that wide. "Take two, leave one. Got it?"
It took me all of three seconds to work out what she meant, at which point I promptly burst into a cold sweat. I wracked my mind viciously for some way out of this predicament before sighing in relief as I managed to come up with a plan that had a very high chance of success.
"Got it, and don't worry, I've got an idea," I reassured her hastily.
The second I said that, both Nami and Vivi relaxed.
"Glad to hear it," Nami said in a much calmer tone of voice.
"Great!" I clapped my hands eagerly. "Now then, first thing's first. Where's Kureha?"
"Right here, brat!"
"18! For the love of god!" I snarled as the elderly doctor entered the room I was in. "What the hell makes you people call me that!?"
"'You people'?" Kureha asked quizzically as she cocked her eyebrow.
"Basically anybody even a little older than me!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "Seriously, I do not have a babyface!"
"Kak kak kak, nooo, but you do act half your age!" the crone cackled.
"I do not-! Ooooh!" I cut myself off as I realized what I'd been about to say. "Clever. Very clever."
"Kak kak! The saying 'age before beauty' exists for a reason, brat!" Kureha gloated victoriously.
I could feel my eye twitch for a moment before I forced myself to plaster a grin on my face. "Aaaaanyways. I'd like to make a request."
The elder doctor jutted her chin out, a proud smirk on her face. "The secret to my eternal youth?"
I opened my mouth to rebutt her... then shut it as I reconsidered. "Initially no, but now that you mention it..."
"Seriously!?" Nami demanded incredulously.
"Well come on, look at her!" I cried as I gestured at the doctor. "Wouldn't you want to try that if you could!?"
"I..." Nami started to speak, then trailed off in thought. "Well... how old are you exactly?"
"139, kid, and still young!" Kureha crowed proudly.
"Holy shit..." Nami and Vivi breathed in awe.
"I know, right?" I concurred. "So... is there a price tag or...?"
"Ten digits, minimum," Kureha informed us.
"Oh hell no!" Nami snarled as she crossed her arms in an X. "Even if we had that kind of money, I still wouldn't pay that much for eternal youth!"
I grimaced and sighed morosely. "That is a little steep..." I admitted, before perking up as an idea struck me. "Can I have three guesses?"
"Hell no," Kureha shot down.
"Oh..." I sagged slightly, before glancing up hopefully. "Can I have two guesses?"
Kureha considered for a moment before shrugging. "Eh, why not."
"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" Nami shrieked, her hands tugging at her hair.
"Alright, let's see..." I mused thoughtfully. "I'm going to go out on a limb and say... carrots?"
"Nope!" Kureha sniffed haughtily.
"Damn..." I cursed. "In that case... someone with the Op-Op Fruit performed the legendary Perpetual Youth Procedure on you..." I looked her over contemplatively. "From the neck down?"
That managed to get Kureha to flick her sunglasses onto her forehead as she stared at me in shock. "So you even know about the holy grail of medicine, huh? Well, you're officially one of the most surprising patients I've ever had, Mister Cross." She then proceeded to grin victoriously as she flicked her sunglasses back into place. "You're also dead wrong! KAK KAK KAK KAK!"
"Damn!" I cursed, snapping my fingers in defeat. "Worth a shot..." I then grinned victoriously as a thought struck me. "Still, on the bright side, in the future I'll have a legitimate reason to use the phrase 'once more, the secret to eternal youth has eluded me!' So hey, consolation prize!"
"Mister Jeremiah..." Vivi started slowly as she stared at me in awe. Or was that horror? "No offense... but you're insane."
My eye twitched furiously for a moment before I slowly turned my head to snarl at the princess. "Stop. Calling me-!"
"Ahem?" Kureha coughed conspicuously. "I believe you said you had something you wanted to ask?"
I jabbed my finger at Vivi with a final glare before looking back at the 'good' doctor. "Indeed, I do. First and foremost, I want Soundbite back."
"Oh?" Kureha cocked an eyebrow contemplatively as she fished around inside her jacket before drawing a familiar form out. "You mean this little troll?"
"Soundbite!" I yelped, unconsciously reaching for him.
"MMPH!" the Baby Transponder Snail managed to mumble out around his gag. For whatever reason, he had decided not to bite through the gag between his teeth despite the fact that it was made of-
"Glass?" I blinked in confusion. "What the hell...?"
"Your pet was raising a racket earlier and when I tried to stuff his mouth with cloth, he bit clean through it. So I had to get creative. He wasn't so willing to be bitey when he saw me fill that testtube he's holding with a saltshaker." Kureha explained in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.
I opened my mouth to protest... then slowly closed it as I considered the facts. "That's... ingenious. I'm impressed."
"MMPH MU!" Soundbite shouted indignantly around the gag.
I stared at Soundbite in confusion for a second before widening my eyes in realization. "Also, now we know that Soundbite needs to be able to use his mouth to use half his powers, which makes sense seeing how he's essentially a glorified ventriloquist. That's really useful, thank you!"
"MMMMPH!"
"Moving along: why should I give my property back to you?" Kureha continued, as if the last minute hadn't happened.
"Well, first," I jabbed my thumb at Nami. "Soundbite wasn't hers to give. I could say he's mine, but I'll be honest: Soundbite is his own being, and if you try to claim 'ownership' of him, then it's tantamount to slavery, and I doubt you're willing to stoop that low. Am I right?"
The doctor looked up thoughtfully for a moment before tilting her hand side-to-side. "Eh..."
"And second..." I spread my arms helplessly. "Come on, don't be a dick. Er..." I hesitated as I considered who I was speaking to. "Well, you get the gist."
Kureha considered things for a moment before shrugging and tossing Soundbite to me. "Fair enough."
"MEEP!" Soundbite shrieked as he tried to keep his fragile gag intact.
"Oh relax, will you?" she drawled as she rolled her eyes. "I lied: that salt shaker had sugar in it, not salt. Sheesh..."
"MMPH!" the snail snarled incredulously as he stared at her in shock before obliterating the test tube with his teeth and swallowing the remains whole. He then opened his mouth and-!
"▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!"
I blinked in awe as I numbly dug my finger through my ear. "Wow..." I whistled.
"I... lost track of half of what he was saying halfway through, though I think he managed to insult your family back to its... tenth generation?" Nami stated uncertainly.
"I know twelve different languages, but... I didn't recognize a third of what he said," Vivi added.
"KAK KAK KAK! Either way, he's got quite the mouth on him!" Kureha crowed.
"Anyways..." I trailed off slowly. "I'd... like to make a deal with you, Doctor Kureha. Concerning my crew's medical bills and how long we'll be staying here."
Kureha cocked an eyebrow at me curiously as she considered what I was saying. "A deal, huh? What are you talking about?"
"Weeell..." I grinned roguishly. "You want access to this castle's armory so that you can fulfill the good doc- ah, sorry, the good quack's, and I use that word with the utmost respect- final wishes. However, that's a difficult feat to accomplish on account of how Luffy destroyed the only key to said armory. Quite the conundrum, no?"
That got everyone in the room staring at me in shock.
Vivi was the first to break the silence, suddenly grabbing my hands and staring at me with glittering eyes. "Are you a mind reader, Mr. Jeremiah? Is that how you know everything?"
"Uh, nooo…" I said uncomfortably as I slowly jerked my hand out of the princess's. "Though I don't need to read minds to know that I do not want to know whatever the hell is running through your head right now."
Nami's expression, in the meantime, was slowly morphing back into a wide grin, although she was angling herself in such a manner that Kureha couldn't see it.
Kureha, for her part, had managed to school her face so that she wasn't giving anything away. "Yes yes, your knowledge is at the same time disturbing and impressive. What of it?"
"What I propose is thus." I snapped a finger up. "If I can manage to get those armory doors open, from this bed, within the next five minutes, then not only do you discharge me and my friends effective immediately, but you also wipe our bill clean and give us free reign of this place's larder."
"Hmph..." Kureha muttered darkly. "Sounds like I've got a lot to lose... what's in it for me?"
I spread my arms innocently. "My services as an indentured servant until either the end of my natural life or yours."
"So basically yours?" Kureha questioned with a grin.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes impatiently. "Yeah yeah, laugh it up, Granny. Now then..." I proffered my hand to her. "Do we have a deal?"
Kureha eyed my hand warily for a moment before scoffing and slapping it firmly. "It'll be nice to have some company once your captain convinces Chopper to leave. I hope you like mopping in subzero temperatures, brat."
"Ooooh, I wouldn't be so sure of that." I grinned as I held up Soundbite, and if the grin he was wearing was anything to go by, then he'd managed to figure out exactly what I was planning. "Because, you see, my dear Doctor... you have just been played. Soundbite?"
Soundbite's grin widened as an electric whine pierced the air. "YOU ARE GO, command!"
And so, grinning like a loon, I spoke. And the first two words I spoke served to drain all hope of victory from Kureha's face.
"Hey Luffy!"
-o-
One minute later, the four of us were standing before the doors to Drum Kingdom's armory.
Or, at the very least, what remained of the armory's doors. And there was not a lot of that left either. There was a little bit over there, a little bit over there, and a little bit waay over there, smashed against the back wall of the armory.
"You. Son. Of a bitch," Kureha bit out flatly.
"I'm the son of a bitch who just managed to weasel his way out of having to pay you the big bucks. Screw you, witch doctor, I'm happy!" I crowed joyously.
"Hey Cross!" Luffy whined as he marched out of the armory. "There's no food in here, just guns! You can't eat guns! Seriously, I've tried, they taste gross."
Soundbite howled with laughter as Kureha twitched furiously, her face contorting miserably as she realized just how badly she'd screwed up. "PAY UP SENIOR CITIZEN!"
"Yeah, Doc~tor..." Nami crooned as she rested her elbow on Kureha's shoulder, the Cheshire grin back at full force. "We had a deal, re~mem~ber?"
Kureha spat and snarled viciously for a moment before jabbing a finger upwards. "Third floor, through the kitchen, can't miss it."
"Woohoo! Thanks!" Luffy whooped eagerly.
"Any luck cornering Chopper?" I asked curiously.
"Not yet! Usopp and Zoro have been helping, but he's slippery and I'm hungry! But hey, don't worry!" He grinned savagely as he pounded a fist into his palm. "Once I eat, we'll get him in no time!"
Vivi looked between the three of us in awe - or maybe horror, again - for a second before shaking her head ruefully. "Evil. You guys are all pure evil."
"Hey, what can I say? We're pirates!" I shrugged indifferently. "It's kind of our M.O."
"Oh, no, I don't have any issues with that, don't worry!" Vivi waved her hands hastily. "I'm only realizing it just now is all."
"Heheheh, you're pretty dumb, Vivi!" Luffy cackled as he stuck his tongue out at her.
"And you're one to talk?" Nami, Vivi and I deadpanned in unison.
"Well, anyways, I'm gonna go and eat all this castle's food and then get our reindeer-doctor to join us! See you!" And with that, Luffy stretched his arms up to an upper floor's balcony and zipped out of sight.
I blinked up after him in shock before slowly looking at Nami. "I'm not the only one who can't believe that that sentence makes sense to me, right? Right?"
"Eh..." Nami waved her hand side to side. "I think I became a bit desensitized after 'a seagull grabbed my head when I flew up to catch it'."
"If you're quite done messing around?" Kureha growled as she tapped her foot impatiently.
"Oh, yes, right!" I grinned at her victoriously. "So can I take the clothes I'm in now, or would you rather I take some new ones?"
"Oh hell no!" Kureha growled as she jabbed me in the chest. "You can steal my medical bill from me and you can clean out my pantries, but on my pride as a doctor, I abjectly refuse to allow you to leave this castle without proper treatment."
"What!?" I squawked incredulously.
"Read my lips, brat!" the doctor growled. "You're not going anywhere, period!"
"Hey, that wasn't the deal!" Nami protested.
"I'm changing the deal!" Kureha spat. "Thank whatever gods you pray to that I'm not changing it further!"
I made to say something... when I was interrupted by a very familiar noise.
"Fwhooooooh Ktchhhhhh... Fwhooooooh Ktchhhhhh..."
Nami and I gave Soundbite a scathing glare, who responded with a sheepish, if unapologetic grin. "SORRY, couldn't resist."
Kureha snorted like an angry bull before adjusting her sunglasses as she looked into the armory. "Anyways... as it is, you brats have caused quite the mess of things. I'm going to have to spend... fifteen minutes, at the least, sorting things out in there with the help of those villagers who came up with you. While we're working, you are not to move from your room, no matter what. The same goes for your friend strapped down in Operating Room 2-F on the second floor. Also make sure that you do not touch the keys to his restraints that are beneath the floorboards. If you do..." She gave us all a semi-serious glare. "You'll all be in big trouble. Got it?"
I grinned as I raised my hand to my forehead in a two-fingered salute. "I've got it. Thanks a lot, Doctor, this means a lot to us. And don't worry, we'll look after Chopper, I promise."
Kureha twitched angrily as she glared at me. "Are you dense, boy?" she growled half-heartedly.
"Nah..." My grin widened minutely. "Just polite."
That brought the doctor up short before sending her into a fit of laughter. "KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK! A polite pirate! Now I've really seen it all!" she cackled uproariously as she wandered into the armory, accompanied by a few nervous villagers who'd been watching.
We watched her for a moment longer before I jabbed my thumb towards the staircase. "Well. Let's go scrape Sanji off his operating table and get the hell out of dodge. I don't want to even consider what she does once those fifteen minutes are up."
A few minutes later, we were making our way out of the castle's front door, Sanji's limp form hanging between us.
"I don't suppose this little incident will do anything to help convince you to break your chivalry streak?" I huffed as I worked to hold the chef's shoulders.
"Not even close, Cross..." he growled, before wincing as a streak of pain shot through him. "Though this is undoubtedly the closest anyone's come to it..."
"DeathWISH! DeathWISH!" Soundbite crowed uproariously.
Sanji snarled venomously as we trudged out into the snow, moonlight washing down over us. "Eat a saltshaker you little-!"
"BUT I'M... I'M A REINDEER!"
"Shhh!" I hissed as Chopper's voice rang out over the mountaintop.
"Huh?" Nami blinked in confusion as she caught sight of the little reindeer shouting at the rest of the guys. "What's going on?"
"Something momentous," I stated solemnly, shifting Sanji's weight slightly. "Vivi, would you mind-?"
"Don't you dare foist your burden on a woman, you-!"
"It's alright, I don't mind," Vivi hastily interceded, taking Sanji off my shoulders. "You go ahead and do whatever you have to."
I smiled gratefully before walking towards the group, where Chopper had been yelling his 'reasons' for not being able to come with us.
"BUT... I'M NOT HUMAN!" he sobbed, the show he was putting on doing little to mask the misery he felt. "I'M A MONSTER! I-I CAN'T JOIN YOUR CREW! T-THAT'S WHY... I'M JUST HERE TO SAY THANKS!" he cut himself off as he sniffled and attempted to maintain his composure.
I shook my head slightly as I stood next to Luffy, watching Chopper actively war with himself. It was painfully obvious just how much he wanted to come with us, but he was unwilling to allow himself the honor, the right. In the end, there was only one way possible for us to break the chains on his soul. And Luffy damn well knew it.
"So..." Chopper grit out painfully. "Thank you. And even though I'm staying here... maybe one day-!"
I interrupted Chopper with a heavily exaggerated sigh, shaking my head sadly as I threw an arm around Luffy's shoulders. "Oy vey, you're really going to make us work for this, huh? Well!" I shrugged in defeat with my free arm as a cheeky grin worked its way onto my face. "I guess there's only one thing for it, eh Luffy?"
Luffy matched my grin tooth for tooth as he threw his own arm over mine. "Yup! Wanna do it on three?"
"It would be my honor," I nodded respectfully. "One!"
"H-huh?" Chopper looked at us in confusion. "W-what are you-?"
"Two!" Luffy continued as our grins grew wider.
"Aren't you listening to me!? I-I can't go with you! I w-want to, but-but-!"
"THREE!" Luffy and I roared as we threw our arms up simultaneously. "SHUT UP! LET'S GO ALREADY!"
And that was the straw that broke the reindeer's back. Chopper had to actively fight to keep from bawling as he came to his decision and nodded vigorously, the last of his doubts dispelled. "OKAY!"
And just like that, we had ourselves a doctor.
"WELCOME! WELCOME!" Soundbite crowed enthusiastically.
"Tsk..." Zoro scoffed incredulously as he watched things go down. "Who's ever heard of recruiting someone with the words 'shut up'?"
"What can I say, Zoro? We're trendsetters!" I cackled as I patted Chopper's top hat. "Either way, welcome to the monster circus, little man! I see you've already met our sake-swilling oni, Zoro-!"
"Bite-!" Zoro hastily silenced himself as he glared ruefully at Soundbite, who was cackling malevolently.
"And our long-nosed tengu-sniper Usopp!"
Usopp opened his mouth and raised a finger... before ultimately settling for laughing ruefully. "Tengu! That... that's a new one! Ahh... well! I'm going to spike everything you put into your mouth with hot sauce for the next week or so. Hope you like tasting fire, bastard!"
"Don't worry, we're usually much worse," I reassured the nervous reindeer-human.
Usopp muttered darkly for a moment before shaking his head and smiling at Chopper. "Despite how much of an ass Cross can be, he's right. You said your name was Chopper, right? Sorry for calling you a monster earlier, that was... an impulse."
"COWARD, COWARD!" Soundbite snickered.
Usopp's eye twitched momentarily before he growled and shook his head in surrender. "Yeah... fair warning, he's not going away any time soon. Believe me, I've tried..."
"Hmph... so we have a reindeer crewmate now, huh?" Zoro mused contemplatively before giving me an exasperated look. "Why do I feel you have something to do with this."
"Hey, I did say we needed a doctor!" I grinned cheekily.
That got a blink of surprise out of him. "This little guy's a doctor?"
"And a competent one at that!" I assured him.
"C-come on!" Chopper squealed as he proceeded to wiggle around gleefully, a bright blush shining through his fur. "Y-you can't get on my good side by buttering me up like that! It'll take more than words to make me happy! Jerk! Jerk bastard!"
"Your words say no, but your body-!" I laughed as Chopper slapped his hoof against my thigh half-heartedly.
"Well, either way, we're glad to have you aboard, Chopper," Vivi cut in, smiling kindly as she, Nami and Sanji made their way over to us.
"Mm..." Nami hummed noncommittally for a moment before shrugging, albeit while smiling slightly. "Don't shed in my room and you'll fit in just fine."
"Do it and I'll make good on the venison recipes I mentioned earlier," Sanji warned him only semi-seriously.
Chopper swallowed nervously as he eyed our cook and navigator warily. "R-right..."
"Woohoo! New crewmate, new crewmate!" Luffy whooped uproariously as he ran through the snow. "Come on! Let's get back to the Merry so that we can celebrate!"
That got Chopper to shake himself out of his happy dance. "Ah-! C-can we please wait a minute?" He gestured towards the castle. "I need to go and tell Doctorine that I'm leaving! It should only take a few minutes, I promise!"
I tensed as I recalled the 'good' Doctor's pinpoint impression of the Reaper. "Ah... do you really have to?" I hedged uncomfortably. "I mean... letters of farewell are very in fashion lately, you know?"
"No no, it's fine!" Chopper grinned easily. "This won't take long, I promise!"
-o- Three minutes later... -o-
"Wow, you were right..." I huffed as I hung onto the back of the sleigh Chopper was hauling for dear life, my legs trailing in the ice and snow. "That didn't take long!" I winced as a handaxe buried itself in the wood next to my hand, quivering from the force. "Not long at all!"
"WILL YOU SHUT UP, CROSS!?" Chopper yelled back at me.
"NOW YOU'RE REALLY FITTING IN!" Usopp called from his position in the sled.
"Har har, very funny!" I growled. "Now would one of you please pull me-!"
"HANG ON!"
Without warning, the sleigh suddenly jerked, bucking me clean off and causing me to faceplant into the snow.
All I could do was stare in abject horror as the sled slid down the ropeway. "Well... shit," I mumbled numbly. "That's not good..."
"THIS IS WORSE!" Soundbite howled fearfully.
"The heck are you-GYEEP!" I squeaked in terror as a blade planted itself in the snow next to me.
"So brat... I seem to be out an apprentice thanks to you. Care to earn yourself a bed and lukewarm meal?"
"Uh..."
All of a sudden, a very familiar hand was stuck in my face.
"HANG ON, CROSS!"
I grinned victoriously as I grabbed the Luffy's forearm with both hands. "Not today, Witch Doct-WAAAAGH!"
And just like that I was flying through the air, my arms feeling like they were a few psi from getting torn out of their sockets. I bounced against the snow laden wire once, twice before I managed to get my feet under myself and balance myself upright.
"HEY CROSS, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" Nami called out over the rushing winds.
"Uhhh..." I mumbled intelligently as I contemplated my situation. On an impulse, I leaned just a little bit to the side, catching sight of just how high we all were.
It was at that point that I became all too aware of the kind of position I was in.
"Pfff..."
"What is he...?" Nami shaded her eyes as she stared at me before slumping in exasperation. "Oh my god..."
I was several hundred feet up in the air...
"Pfff..."
"He can't be serious... at a time like this!?" Usopp moaned.
"I wouldn't expect anything else from Mister Jeremiah!" Vivi laughed lightheartedly.
Being pulled behind a one-reindeer open sleigh along an ice-encrusted cable way less than a foot wide...
"PFFF...!"
"He's gonna do it," Zoro sighed.
"Well, it's not like we can expect anything else from him..." Sanji chuckled as he flicked his lighter and lit a cigarette.
Inches, millimeters even, from life and death, hanging on by a wing, a prayer and Luffy's hand...
"PFFFFF...!"
"Huh?" Chopper glanced over his shoulder in confusion. "What? What is it? What's he gonna do?"
"The only thing he can do at a time like this!" Luffy crowed, a massive smile plastered on his face. "LAUGH!"
And so I did.
"PFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" I roared, letting go of Luffy's arm with one hand and pumping a fist in the air victoriously. "WOOOOO! HELL YEAH, BABY! THIS IS AWESOME! WOOHOO! PFFFHAHAHAA, GODDAMN IT, I FREAKING LOVE THIS CREW! WOOO!"
"KOWABUNGA, BITCHES! WOOHOOHOOHOOHOOOOO!" Soundbite cackled madly as he clung to my shoulder for dear life.
As we flew along, I was beyond exhilarated. The wind nipping at my body, the blood roaring through my ears...
As we neared the bottom of the ropeway, I could only wonder one thing:
Whether or not the momentous, absolutely iconic moment I knew was coming next would be able to top the high I was feeling right now.
-o-
It did.
Cherry blossoms... just as goddamn beautiful as I remembered.
You did good, Oda.
You did good.
-o-
An hour of sledding and one duck-thawing-and-marimo-pounding later, we were sailing away from Drum...
And everyone else was watching me with a variety of emotions.
"Do we really need to do this, guys?" Luffy whined. "Come on, we just won! We should be celebrating!"
"Do you want to go without answers?" Zoro asked our Captain flatly.
Luffy made to answer... then closed his mouth with an uncomfortable look on his face.
"Cross..." Nami sighed morosely as she eyed me. "We've been patient... we've waited... we're on the Merry..." She spread her arms helplessly. "No more stalling, Cross. It's time to talk."
I chewed my lip contemplatively as I slowly walked around the deck. The whole time we'd been sailing, I'd made myself scarce. I'd stayed in a corner, I'd stayed quiet... and I'd thought. I'd thought about what I'd say, what I'd said... what I felt...
Finally, I slowly turned and strode towards the Merry's front-left balustrade. The white-painted wood that made up the swirl was slightly cracked, but other than that? It was fully present.
I patted the wood contemplatively, as though to reassure myself that it was still there, before letting loose a laugh of relief. "So..." I started slowly. "You managed to stop Wapol in time... good. It would have been one of Merry's first and... most prominent scars. I know she'll get hurt eventually, but... this one was bad, you know? I just... wanted to save her. From this, if nothing else."
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as my crewmates glanced at each other uneasily, until finally...
"Cross..." Nami started slowly.
I chuckled mirthlessly as I shook my head. "Yeah, yeah... I know... no putting it off." I was silent for a second more before laughing again and scratching my head sheepishly. "Alright then... where to start... Oh!" I clapped my hands in realization. "How about this: who here has heard of the multiverse theory?" The lack of response I received didn't surprise me one bit.
"Yeah, I figured..." I sighed as I dug around in my pockets before finally pulling out a stray ten-beri coin. "Alright, imagine that I flipped this-" I shook the coin slightly. "And one of you called it after I caught it, heads or tails. Multiverse theory states that upon my flipping of this coin, the world would essentially split into two entirely separate yet parallel universes: one universe where the coin came up heads, one where it came up tails. Essentially, two worlds exactly alike save for the flip of a coin, and any differences that might arise thereafter. Assuming this theory can be applied to any action or event, then there exists the possibility that there is, at minimum, one universe in existence for every individual eventuality in existence, bar none."
The blank stares I received from most of the crew surprised me even less.
"Okay..." I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose in exasperation. "There's essentially infinite other worlds in existence, one world for every possible possibility."
Luffy, still looking confused, raised his hand.
"Yes, Luffy, they're mystery worlds," I deadpanned.
Luffy's hand went down.
"Just as an example of one of these mystery worlds... imagine a world, completely different from this one... where a man named Eiichiro Oda wrote a comic book about an entirely different world. A comic book he titled One Piece... about one pirate trying to become Pirate King."
Sanji's eyes widened, cigarette hanging limply from his lips. "You don't mean...!"
"Holy shit..." Nami breathed in shock.
"No way!" Usopp gaped at me.
"Uh... what's he talking about?" Luffy said, looking between his crewmates in confusion.
I briefly considered my answer before sighing wearily and ambling over to Luffy, planting my hand down on his shoulder. "It means, Luffy..." I said sadly. "That I know you were an absolute moron when you were a kid. I mean, seriously, stabbing yourself below the eye in order to prove how much of a badass you are? That was..." I chuckled darkly as I shook my head. "That was really something..."
"Huh!?" Luffy exclaimed as he stared at me in shock. "How do you know about that!?"
"Because Mister Jeremiah's from another world..." Vivi breathed in awe. "A world where all your adventures were a story..."
I spread my arms wide and stepped back. "And I was a fan, dropped into your world without warning by a divine force well beyond human comprehension. I know... practically everything there is to know about this crew: from what happened to you all when you were young that made you who you are today to what's coming for us for some time to come. Minus a few blank spots like the Whiskey Peak-Little Garden run, but... yeah."
"Waaait..." Soundbite trailed off thoughtfully. "So that THING I ATE that lets me HEAR THESE NOISES, the songs, the voices... THAT WAS-?"
"A piece of technology from my world, a communication device known as an iPhone," I explained matter-of-factly. "It was somehow modified by the same force that brought me here, so that it would have infinite energy and would always be connected to the information network we had. What you're hearing is known as the world wide web, or the internet, for short. Or, at least, you're hearing the audio of it anyways. Apparently tastefully edited so that you didn't realize exactly what it was until now."
I let out a heavy huff as I nervously looked over the crew, trying to accurately gauge their reactions. It was... in between, as far as I could tell. Nervous, worried...
I shook my head as I looked away sheepishly. "Look.. guys..."
"One second, Cross."
I blinked in confusion as Zoro interrupted me. "Uh...?"
"I've got a question for you," the swordsman stated.
"Uh..." I swallowed heavily as I tried to puzzle out what he could have wanted. "Yeah? Sure, what is it?"
Zoro slowly walked up to me and poked me in the chest. "A month ago, on the way to Whiskey Peak, you told me that we couldn't afford to spare any information, because it would risk jeopardizing the crew. What's so different between now and then? Why did I have to say something, but you didn't?"
I blinked as I processed the statement before making to answer. "Well, you see-!"
"These two situations are entirely different." That's what I wanted to say, but I cut myself off when I realized... they really weren't were they? Not when you got down to it...
"Ah... well..." I tried to start again. "T-the thing is..." "Your information was critical!" But wasn't mine just as important?
"We... uh..." "We would have been fine even if I didn't say anything." But that was the exact same case as Whiskey Peak.
"The... the difference is..." I trailed off slowly as I realized... that I just couldn't deny facts any longer. I knew what the difference was. I knew it and there was nothing I could do about it.
I clenched my fists furiously as I looked down in shame. "The difference... the difference was..." I croaked out sadly. "Was that you... you trusted our crew... and I didn't..."
"Cross..." Nami started to speak up.
"It's true!" I cut her off harshly. "I-I know you guys! Not just as characters in a story, but as my friends! As my comrades! My allies! I-I should have known you wouldn't be angry, or reject me, I should have trusted you..." I looked down in shame. "...but I didn't. I didn't trust you. I didn't trust you so much that I..."
And just like that, it was too much. I dropped to my knees, only just managing to catch myself on the deck. "I... I lied to you..." I hiccuped, tears streaming down my face. "I lied... to your faces. I lied about where I was from, lied about what I knew... I lied so much..."
Acting on impulse, I brought my head down, resting my forehead against the deck. "I know... that I don't deserve your forgiveness... and that nothing I do will ever be able to make up for this... but nevertheless, I apologize. I am so, so sorry, for everything I've said... for everything I've done... and I just want you to know that when I said I loved this crew... when I said that I loved all you guys... I... I meant it! Every word! So please!" I looked up desperately, fighting to keep myself from breaking down any further. "Don't... make me leave. Joining this crew has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. Do whatever you want, but please... let me stay a Strawhat!"
For a minute, everything was silent, with everyone looking at each other with unreadable expressions.
Finally, Nami slowly walked up to me and knelt before me, looking me dead in the eyes. "Alright Cross, we'll let you stay on the crew..." she stated solemnly. "But first... you need to answer a few questions for us."
"Nami!" Luffy whined petulantly.
"Ah..." I hiccuped shallowly before swallowing and shaking my head. "D-don't worry Luffy. I-I can edit what I say... I-I won't tell you anything big about how our adventures will turn out... if you don't want me to..."
Our captain pursed his lips thoughtfully for a moment before settling into a pout. "Yeah... alright..."
"Alright then..." Nami laid a firm hand on my shoulder."Cross, listen to me very closely. I need to know..."
I held my breath tensely in anticipation.
"How rich are we going to get?"
...what.
"What." I blurted aloud.
"You heard me, man!" Nami squealed as she grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look her dead in the eyes, eyes which were now flashing beri signs at full force. "How much rich are we going to be!? Gold? Jewels!? Cash!? Come on, man, speak!"
"Uh..." I blinked in shock as I tried to process just what I was hearing.
"Oh!" Sanji blinked in apparent realization before hastily spinning up next to Nami. "And what about the beauties, Cross? Shirahoshi might forever be out of my reach by way of half-plus-seven, but surely there must be other women who I can grasp!"
"Oh for the love of..." Zoro scoffed with a roll of his eyes before flashing a bloodthirsty grin. "Ah screw it. Hey, Cross, there're gonna be more fights in the future, I know that much. They'll be good ones, right? Ones that push us straight to the brink and back?"
"I... I, ah..."
"Me next! Me next!" Usopp waved his hand in the air eagerly. "What kind of brave feats will I pull off? Am I going to prove that I'm a brave warrior of the seas?"
"Uh... what are you guys...?" Chopper blinked around in confusion until Usopp leaned down and whispered something in his ear. "Oh... Oh! Ah... in that case... I-! I, uh..." Chopper racked his brain in confusion before sticking his tongue out sheepishly. "I... can't actually think of a question. Sorry?"
Vivi made to say something as well...
"Hey!" Luffy suddenly bellowed. "No more questions! After these, Cross only says anything if it's really, really important, and not before that!"
Before she bit her lip and looked away in disappointment.
I blinked in confusion as I looked at my crewmates. "Ah... w-wait... hold on a second, what..."
"Well?" Nami interrupted me with a smile. "Come on! I asked you a question! You're gonna answer, right? Pleeeease!"
I stared at the navigator in incomprehension for a second... before jerking as I realized just what the hell she was saying. What they were all saying.
I came this close to breaking into tears as I stared at them all. Nothing. Despite everything I'd said... everything I'd done... nothing had changed. Absolutely nothing at all. It was... I knew these guys were great, but this... this was...
A slight nudging against my neck prompted me to look down at Soundbite. He looked me over contemplatively for a second before grinning from eyestalk to eyestalk. "WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR!?" he demanded eagerly.
I huffed heavily before shaking my head and sucking it up, matching his grin as widely as I could. "Nothing... nothing at all... Let's get to it!"
And so I did.
Without missing so much as a beat, I stood up and swung my arm around Nami's. "Nami, Nami, Nami..." I sighed dramatically as I shook my head sadly. "Your words, they wound me more than you can imagine. For you see... we will not be rich."
I could practically hear Nami's heart break, her eyes filling to the brim with tears.
"No..." I continued confidently, my grin widening as I got back into the swing of things. "We will be beyond rich."
And just like that, Nami was back to ecstatic.
"In fact, we will be beyond even 'more than just rich'. With your fiscal knowledge and my insight, we are going to be filthy, stinking, down and out dirty loaded."
Nami shuddered with pleasure, drool trailing down from the corner of her mouth as she giggled maniacally.
"We are going to be so loaded, that we will make nobles look like peasants! People's jaws will literally drop in sheer awe at the splendor of our wealth!"
Nami shuddered even harder, her eyes glazing over in sheer joy.
"To put it simply, well... tell me: how does the image of Merry's hold filled to bursting with solid, 24 karat gold sound?"
"Oooooh!"
I blinked in confusion as Nami suddenly shuddered from head to toe and moaned euphorically.
I then reeled back as realization hit me head on. "Uh... Nami... did... you just-!?"
"Yessss..." Nami drooled blissfully.
I shuddered uncomfortably as I did my best to wipe myself off. "Ooookay..."
"MOVING ON!" Soundbite prompted hastily.
"RIGHT!" I yelped as I swung over to Sanji. "Sanji, my friend! I'll be honest with you! Times, they will be tough. You will have to endure rejection, your will will be pushed to the utmost limits... in short..." I held my fist up and shook my head sadly. "You will have to traverse through the deepest, darkest depths of hell itself."
Sanji shuddered heavily, but then shot a hopeful look at me. "I'm not imagining the but I'm hearing, am I?"
I nodded as I clamped my hand down on his shoulder. "But! So long as you persist and hold firm, then I swear to you, I swear..." I gave him a firm nod. "You will reach paradise my friend. It is out there! You must strive for it with all your soul, but it awaits you! Will you reach for it?"
"HELL YEAH!" Sanji roared, the fires of his heart and soul blazing around him.
I then moved on to Zoro, nodding at him in apology. "Zoro. To start with, sorry again about Whiskey Peak. I won't push you like that again, I promise. We square?"
Zoro scoffed and waved his hand dismissively. "Please. I let the witch off the hook-" He pointedly ignored the barrel that bounced off his skull, as well as the screech of 'FUCK YOU!' that accompanied it. "-what the hell makes you think I can't do the same here?" He then shot me a smile to make the devil himself shiver. "Though your training is going to be straight from the depths of hell from now on, that you can count on."
I squeaked fearfully at the evil expression he was wearing, doing my best to clamp down on my bladder. "Fights. Lots of fights, good fights!"
"NEXT!" Soundbite hissed furiously.
"Agreed!" I nodded in agreement as I wheeled around and marched towards Usopp.
"Don't worry, I finished what you asked me for before you got sick," the sniper reassured me.
I shuddered nervously as I felt Zoro's eyes boring into my back. "Somehow that doesn't reassure me..." I hastily shook my head and got back my nerve before smiling kindly. "Anyways... look, I won't play it up with you: you're always going to be the weakest member of the Straw Hat Pirates, and that's a fact."
"Oh..." Usopp sagged sadly.
"Hey hey hey!" I cut in as I grabbed his shoulders and forced him upright. "What's with the downer reaction, buddy? I just said you were going to be the weakest of the crew! Now, that might be an insult or something on other crews, sure, but let me remind you: we are the Straw Hat Pirates! By nature, we are head and shoulders above everyone else on the ocean! Hence, even if you are the weakest among us, well..." I chuckled confidently. "Let me put it this way: you will more than earn two titles in the future: Sniper King... and God."
Usopp blinked at me in awe. "...seriously?"
I nodded firmly as I patted him on the back. "Weakest or strongest, it doesn't matter. End of the day, you're a Straw Hat Pirate and a brave warrior of the sea, and a world-class sniper besides. Take pride in that, no matter what anyone says. Alright?"
Usopp stared at me in shock for a second... before throwing his arms up joyously. "WOOHOO!" he whooped, doing some sort of… dance?.
Chuckling as Usopp joined Sanji and Nami in celebrating, I moved onto Chopper, kneeling before him with a kind smile. "Hey Chopper," I said softly. "How's it hanging?"
"Uh..." Chopper smiled uncertainly. "I'm... fine? Really! This is... a bit weird, but, uh..." He trailed off uncertainly.
"Hey, listen..." I gently patted him on top of his hat. "I just want you to know... even if I hadn't involved myself, Luffy would still have asked you to join the crew. All I did was make things easier, nothing more and nothing less. No matter what... you belong on this crew, and don't you doubt it for a second, alright?"
Chopper blinked at me in shock before immediately resorting to his default reaction as he started twisting around joyously. "Y-you can't make me happy just with a few words you bastard!" he laughed happily. "I-I'm not happy at all, you ass! Not a bit, not even a little bit!"
"LIAR LIAR, fur on fire!" Soundbite cackled.
"Yeah yeah, whatever," I scoffed, rolling my eyes as I flicked Soundbite's shell and stood up. "Now go on and have fun. Oh, and try the chopstick thing. I don't think I can manage it, but it looks fun!"
"Okay!" the reindeer nodded as he joined the rest of the crew.
Once he was gone, and I'd confirmed that Luffy wasn't looking my way, I slid up next to Vivi, who'd been uncomfortably standing on the sidelines the whole time. "Sorry about Whiskey Peak, " I whispered under my breath. "I needed to get you to break character somehow, or else..."
Vivi glanced at me for a second before smiling warmly. "It's fine, Cross. You did what you had to do, and... well, if you hadn't, then I'd probably be dead. So... thank you, Cross. For everything." Her smile fell slightly as she glanced towards Luffy. "Listen... Cross, I know that Luffy said-"
"It's going to be hard," I interrupted her. "The fight for Alabasta is going to be long, it's going to be hard, sometimes it'll even appear impossible, and you can bet your bottom beri that it's going to be bloody, but in the end, well..." I jerked my head towards Luffy. "You just need to believe that we'll pull through. It's... as simple as that. Alright?"
Vivi's smile widened and she nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Cross. That... that means more to me than you can possibly imagine."
I nodded in agreement. "No problem, Vivi. No problem at all. Now if you'll excuse me..." I started to walk towards Luffy. "I've got one last statement to make. Hey, Captain!"
Luffy blinked at me in confusion. "Huh? What is it, Cross?"
"I know you didn't ask anything... but I just want to say two things!" I emphasized the point with two fingers. "Now mind you, one of these two things was confirmed by the story, but I have believed in both without a doubt in my mind for as long as I've known them. You mind if I say them?"
Luffy tilted his head in thought for a moment before grinning from ear to ear. "Go for it, Cross!"
"Well then, in that case..." I crossed my arms and bowed my head solemnly. "First and foremost, allow me to say this: One Piece exists!"
And just like that, all movement on deck froze as everyone stared at me in surprise and awe.
"Now!" I held up my finger hastily. "Whether it's waiting for us on Raftel or at the center of the planet or somewhere else entirely, I don't have the foggiest, but either way, I believe with all my heart that it's somewhere out there, waiting for us to find it!"
I popped my second finger up. "Which leads me straight to my second statement!" I looked Luffy dead in the eye as I grinned as widely and confidently as I could manage. "We will find One Piece, and you will be the King of the Pirates! I'll admit, before I met you, I only knew that you would do it as a fact, but after I met you... after I met you, I believed it. I believed it with all my heart and soul. I believe it now, and I will until the day I die!" I nodded firmly. "And that's a legitimate fact."
Luffy blinked at me in numb shock for a minute... before grinning as wide as he could possibly manage, literally vibrating with excitement. "Now can we celebrate!?" he squealed impatiently.
I exchanged exasperated looks with Nami and Zoro for a second before spreading my arms wide. "Ladies and gentlemen... I have only one word for you all!"
"And that word would be?" Luffy asked eagerly.
I opened my mouth... and Soundbite belted it out before I could start.
"KANPAI!" he roared.
I glared at Soundbite in exasperation for a second before sighing and shrugging with a grin. "You heard the snail! Let's get brick faced!"
And with that, the Merry roared into a full-blown celebration, our party lasting straight on through the night.
It couldn't last forever, but for the time being... we were happy and we were at peace. And that... made everything up until that point worth it.
