AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here we go, kids! The big showdown with Sephiroth is about to begin! Doesn't it leave ya feelin' all tingly and nervous inside?

Well...if you've watched a lot of movies...no, it probably doesn't. We all know who's going to win this fight. But the fun is in getting there, right?

Anyway, I've done enough yapping for now. See you at the end of the chapter. Oh, and I still don't own anything.


16. ESTUANS INTERIUS, IRA VEHEMENTI, ESTUANS INTERIUS, IRA VEHEMENTI, SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH! (TRANSLATION: BUY THE SOUNDTRACK OR YOU'LL BE KILLED BY SEPHIROTH)

(CLOUD sees SEPHIROTH waiting for him at the bottom and tries to attack him, but SEPHIROTH blocks the attack.)

SEPHIROTH: Nice to see you too, Cloud. Sheesh…we finally meet again after two long years and this is how you greet me?

(SEPHIROTH knocks CLOUD away and jumps after him. They end up back on top of the buildings that CLOUD and KADAJ had fought on before. This scene serves as a break between KICKASS ACTION SCENES #6 and #7.)

SEPHIROTH: So, I see you've finally found a cure for your geostigma. Bravo, Cloud. Bravo.

CLOUD: What are you planning this time?

SEPHIROTH: Oh, nothing you'd be interested in.

CLOUD: Tell me, damn you!

SEPHIROTH: I see where this is going. Get the bad guy talking on and on about his evil scheme, and while he's talking you figure out a way to stop him. Come on, Cloud. I'm not that stupid. I've seen too many movies for that.

CLOUD: Tell me your plans right now, or I'll…

SEPHIROTH: Or you'll what? Kill me? Isn't that what you're about to try to do anyway?

CLOUD: Well, you must be planning something. Don't all villains have a plan?

SEPHIROTH: Why bother with the details? All you need to know is that I'm planning to conquer the entire universe, and I decided to start with this planet right here. Before long, I will finish off everyone who has geostigma. Once their infected souls enter the Lifestream, there will be nothing you can do for this planet. And then once this miserable little rock is under my control, I'll move on to the next planet. And I will create a perfect future there that Mother would be proud of.

CLOUD: What about this one?

SEPHIROTH: Honestly, I don't really care. But since you obviously do, I guess we'll just have to settle this the old-fashioned way…

CLOUD: A duel to the death?

SEPHIROTH: Damn straight.

CLOUD: Cool. Now I get to kill you for the third time.

SEPHIROTH: I wouldn't hold my breath.

(KICKASS ACTION SCENE #7 begins. Meanwhile, something resembling a "black Lifestream" can be seen heading for Midgar and the nameless city.)

(Scene switches to MARLENE and DENZEL back at their house in the nameless city. MARLENE hears something that sounds like a drop of water.)

MARLENE: Oh, just what we needed…a leaky faucet.

CASUAL GAMER: They'd better not have cut away from Cloud and Sephiroth to show us a house with plumbing problems.

(There is a brief pause, and a mysterious voice can be faintly heard in the background.)

DENZEL: …Hey, did you hear something?

MARLENE: What?

DENZEL: I thought I heard a voice just now. It sounded like a girl, but I couldn't quite make out what she was saying…

MARLENE: Could it be…the flower girl?

DENZEL: Who?

MARLENE: Oh, that's right…you weren't in FF7, were you? You won't know who she is.

DENZEL: Are you kidding? Aside from you, Cloud, and Tifa, I don't know who anyone is.

(Scene switches back to CLOUD and SEPHIROTH. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #7 is in full swing now. SEPHIROTH knocks CLOUD into an old building and they continue to battle in there.)

FF7 FANBOY: Come on, Cloud! Don't you remember how you beat him last time? OMNISLASH THAT FUCKER, DUDE!

(SEPHIROTH and CLOUD lock swords.)

SEPHIROTH: Damn. You've gotten better these last two years. Have you been leveling up?

CLOUD: Like I'm really gonna tell you my secrets.

SEPHIROTH: It's a simple "yes or no" question, Cloud. The only other way you could have improved this much in two years is taking steroids. And since you're being so secretive, I guess I'll just have to assume that you've been juicing…you dirty rotten cheater.

CLOUD: I AM NOT ON STEROIDS!

(They continue to fight. SEPHIROTH takes control of the fight, jumps into the air, and continues to ascend. CLOUD jumps after him.)

FF7 FANBOY: (practically orgasmic) THIS IS SOOOOOOO FUCKING COOL! (to CASUAL GAMER) Isn't this the coolest fight scene ever?

CASUAL GAMER: …You know, it's a good thing Isaac Newton is already dead, because he'd want to kill himself after watching this movie.

FF7 FANBOY: Fuck you, man! This is awesome!

(SEPHIROTH continues to ascend upwards, taunting CLOUD all the way.)

SEPHIROTH: You don't stand a chance against me this time, Cloud!

(He slices through a piece of debris and sends it after CLOUD, who slices through it and keeps going.)

SEPHIROTH: I've already taken everything else from you! Now just let me put you out of your misery!

(He knocks CLOUD down, but CLOUD jams his sword into the wall and stands on it. He can see SEPHIROTH hovering above him.)

SEPHIROTH: On your knees…I want to finish you the same way I did your precious little girlfriend!

(More pieces of debris fall from the sky. SEPHIROTH slices through them as CLOUD takes out one of the six blades that are built into his huge sword and slices through them as well. Then SEPHIROTH attacks CLOUD, and CLOUD falls onto one of the falling pieces of debris. SEPHIROTH follows him and the fight continues. CLOUD then jumps off onto another building and falls to one knee. SEPHIROTH comes after him and attacks. CLOUD avoids it and is then pushed into a wall, where SEPHIROTH stabs him through the shoulder, pinning him to it.)

SEPHIROTH: Hmm…not exactly the way I had wanted to kill you. But if this is enough to do the job, then so be it.

(CLOUD says nothing. He winces in pain from the fresh wound.)

SEPHIROTH: Actually, I must say…I like this way better. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to stand here and watch you bleed to death at my mercy. When I impaled the Ancient, she died instantly. You, on the other hand, will go much slower…and much more painfully. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

CLOUD: (still in pain) You…bastard…

SEPHIROTH: (laughs at CLOUD) A fighter to the very end. I salute your spirit, kid. Really, I do. But I'm afraid that won't be enough to save you this time.

(There is a brief pause.)

SEPHIROTH: So…before you die, Cloud, I must ask you one last question. And I want you to give me an honest answer, all right? Oh, and don't worry…there are no wrong answers.

CLOUD: …Whatever.

SEPHIROTH: I'll take that as a "yes." So, here's the big question: What is it that you love the most in this world? What is the one thing that you care for above all others, that one thing that you would fight for more than anything else?

CLOUD: …Why should I tell you?

SEPHIROTH: Why else would I ask you such a question? I need your help.

CLOUD: …You…do?

SEPHIROTH: Of course I do…I'll need to find a new favorite target after I finish you off, won't I? And if it's a person, don't worry…I'll tell them you said goodbye before I kill them. So, let's hear it. What is it?

(CLOUD suddenly has a rapid-fire series of flashbacks. Finally, he grabs SEPHIROTH's sword, pulls it out of his shoulder, and stands up.)

CLOUD: You just don't get it, do you? No wonder you turned out to be such a miserable bastard.

SEPHIROTH: And you just don't give up, do you?

(SEPHIROTH tries to attack CLOUD, but CLOUD blocks him. SEPHIROTH then jumps off of a wall and hovers in midair. CLOUD jumps up after him.)

CLOUD: Everything and everyone is important to me!

(CLOUD pulls out his sword. The six swords inside it come out and form a circle around SEPHIROTH.)

CLOUD: Brace yourself, you son of a bitch. This is why they call me Captain Omnislash.

SEPHIROTH: (realizing what CLOUD is about to do) Oh, no…not again…

CLOUD: Yes…AGAIN!

(CLOUD performs Omnislash on SEPHIROTH. If you thought this move looked sweet back in 1997, you ain't seen nothin' yet.)

FF7 FANBOY: (jumps out of his seat, pumping his fist) YES! YES! OMNISLASH THAT FUCKER!

CASUAL GAMER: Dude…you're getting way too worked up over this movie.

FF7 FANBOY: I love how you say that as if I give a damn!

CASUAL GAMER: I am never watching this movie with you again. You are an embarrassment.

(Omnislash does the trick once again – SEPHIROTH is finally defeated by CLOUD. CLOUD lands on the ground, watching SEPHIROTH slowly descend. A black angel wing is protruding from SEPHIROTH's back.)

CASUAL GAMER: So that's why they call the song "One-Winged Angel."

FF7 FANBOY: What, you never noticed that? The angel wing was in the final boss battle too. Only it was white, not black.

CASUAL GAMER: Honestly, I was too busy healing my party after Supernova to notice.

FF7 FANBOY: Well, if you took the time to get the Omnislash manual, you wouldn't have had to worry, now would you?

CASUAL GAMER: Not all of us are able to screw around at the Gold Saucer for hours on end, you know.

CLOUD: (to SEPHIROTH) Now stay dead this time, Sephiroth. I'm getting tired of killing you. The only place where I ever want to see you again is in my mind.

SEPHIROTH: Well, since you asked so nicely…oh, and one last thing before I go, Cloud.

CLOUD: What?

SEPHIROTH: …Dilly dally…shilly shally.

(BUBBLE BOY pops up in the lower right-hand corner of the screen.)

BUBBLE BOY: FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR!

SEPHIROTH: Yes!

(The angel wing covers SEPHIROTH and he turns back into KADAJ. KADAJ stumbles about, having been thoroughly beaten by CLOUD, and tries to attack CLOUD but loses his balance, drops his sword, and falls into CLOUD's arms.)

KADAJ: You win…brother…

(AERITH's voice can be heard. Of course, KADAJ doesn't know the voice…)

AERITH: Kadaj? Are you there?

KADAJ: Huh? Who is that?

(It starts to rain.)

AERITH: Don't worry any more, Kadaj. You can let go now.

KADAJ: Mother? Is that you?

AERITH: Take my hand, Kadaj.

(KADAJ reaches his hand upward.)

KADAJ: Yes, Mother…

AERITH: Oh, and one more thing, Kadaj.

KADAJ: What is it, Mother?

AERITH: You sure are gullible.

KADAJ: What? (realizes that he's been tricked) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(AERITH pulls KADAJ into the Lifestream. KADAJ's body disintegrates and disappears, leaving CLOUD by himself.)

AERITH: Hee hee hee…fooled you!

CLOUD: Damn, Aerith. I didn't know you had it in you.

AERITH: Honestly, Cloud, I wasn't expecting him to fall for it. But he did…hook, line, and sinker. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some more work to do. See you later.

(The rain starts to cure everyone who has geostigma.)

(Scene switches to MARLENE and DENZEL.)

MARLENE: Hey, Denzel! I think it's safe now! We ought to go outside!

DENZEL: (sees the rain) Why, so I can catch a cold on top of my geostigma? Are you nuts?

MARLENE: Hmph. Suit yourself.

(Scene switches to the Turks, who are surrounding RUFUS in his wheelchair.)

RENO: Boss, we've already apologized for that little mishap with the net a gazillion times, so could you just let it go?

RUFUS: Reno, you are such a…hey, this rain is making me feel a lot better!

RUDE: Really? So does that mean we're off the hook?

RUFUS: I wasn't talking about the broken bones. They still hurt like a bitch. I'm talking about my geostigma.

RENO: Wait a minute, you had it too?

RUFUS: Of course I did. Why do you think I've been sitting in this wheelchair for the entire movie?

ELENA: But how did you catch it? I mean, we already know how Cloud and the kids all caught it, but what happened to you?

RUFUS: Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? I don't have the disease anymore! You know what that means, you guys?

TSENG: Drinks are on you tonight?

RENO: Rude and I don't get fired?

RUDE: I finally get my raise?

RUFUS: No! It means I don't have to pay any more money for those doctors I had hired to treat me. Those quacks were robbing me blind! Now that I don't have geostigma anymore, I don't owe them a cent!

RENO: Well, as long as we're dreaming, we might as well dream big…

(Scene switches to the Sierra and the rest of the FF7 main cast.)

CID: Well, I'll be damned. The son of a bitch did it!

BARRET: Yeah, boy! I pity the fool who messes with Cloud Strife!

YUFFIE: That was so awesome!

TIFA: I knew he could do it!

CID: All right, people, calm down now. Time to go pick our boy up.

(TIFA looks up and sees a drop of the "holy water." Somehow she manages to figure out that it's AERITH. Don't ask me how. Call it a hunch, I guess.)

TIFA: (to AERITH) You know, I had a feeling you had something to do with all of this. Even in death, you've managed to one-up me once again. You may be gone, but I guess the friendly rivalry will always live on.

(She looks out the window toward CLOUD.)

(Scene switches to CLOUD standing in the rain. All of a sudden a gunshot sounds and CLOUD falls to his knee. The shot has gone through his back.)

CLOUD: OUCH! All right, who the hell just did that?

(We see YAZOO and LOZ standing behind CLOUD, apparently still weak from the motorcycle crash.)

YAZOO: You killed…our brother… (drops the gun)

LOZ: Now…we'll all join him…

CLOUD: Way to attack me when my back is turned, you wimps.

YAZOO: How…the hell…did that not…kill you?

LOZ: Relax, Yazoo…we'll get him.

CLOUD: You can try.

(CLOUD picks up his sword, turns around, and attacks YAZOO and LOZ. Could this be the beginning of KICKASS ACTION SCENE #8?)

YAZOO: Ready, Loz?

LOZ: Yeah…see you soon, Kadaj…

(They raise their arms and fire energy blasts at CLOUD. The attack causes a huge, fiery explosion. Of course, thanks to that "dilly dally, shilly shally" bonus, the animation studio couldn't afford the special effects required for this scene. Fortunately, Hollywood producer Jerry Bruckheimer was kind enough to let them borrow some unused explosion footage from one of his movies, so theyjust used that instead and hoped nobody would notice. Nobody could have possibly survived that explosion…right?)

(Scene switches to the Sierra again. The rest of the main cast have just seen the explosion.)

TIFA: Cloud! No! You're not supposed to die…the heroes never die in movies…

VINCENT: Don't worry. Square Enix doesn't like sad endings. Why else would they have made Final Fantasy X-2?

(Scene switches to MARLENE and DENZEL.)

DENZEL: Don't worry. He'll be back.

MARLENE: How do you know?

DENZEL: Call it a hunch.


Yeah, this is probably the longest and least funny chapter of the bunch. But hey, it's a climactic battle scene. Not much humor to be found in there, if you ask me. But I'm sure someone, somewhere, will find it. The chapter's still got its moments though. The Isaac Newton line is one of my favorites in the entire fic. Unfortunately, this chapter marks the last time we see the Turks, and I say unfortunately because I really liked writing their scenes.

You might remember how I decided against including an Adam Sandler cameo in Chapter 7. So why'd I name-drop Jerry Bruckheimer here? Because the explosion that supposedly "kills" Cloud made me think of Bruckheimer's movies, which are known for featuring big explosions. Jerry doesn't make a cameo, I'm simply using him as a punchline.

There's also an itty-bitty, teensy-weensy reference to Spaceballs in here that's so small that I really shouldn't be counting it as a reference. It's the bit where Aerith tricks Kadaj into entering the Lifestream, and once he falls for it, she says, "Fooled you." If you've seen Spaceballs you'll know the particular scene I'm talking about. Really, I only count it as a reference because I had Spaceballs on the brain as I wrote it. And speaking of Mel Brooks, just about any time you read scenes here where characters acknowledge that they're making a movie, you're reading a nod to the man behind Spaceballs, Blazing Saddles, and Young Frankenstein, among others. It's a common joke in the films of his that I've seen.

One last chapter, folks. Hang in there!

Fun Fact: Apparently the "nameless city"where most of Advent Children (and by extension, this fic) takes place is actually called Edge. I don't think the film ever actually tells you this. You pretty much have to find that out on your own. Why? I don't really know.

Fun Fact #2: The title of this chapter consists of some ofthe Latin lyrics to "One-Winged Angel," the theme that plays during FF7's Safer Sephiroth boss battle and perhaps Nobuo Uematsu's most famous piece of music. I think in English they actually mean "burning inside with violent anger." Not 100 sure of that, though.