Chapter 15

THWACK!

"GAH!" I grunted as I was bodily flung back into the Merry's railing. "Son of a..." I groaned as I made massage my aching back before hastily flinging my hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay, I give! Christ on a pikestaff, the purpose of this exercise is to train me, not freaking break me!"

"Some people might consider those two objectives to be one and the same," Zoro grinned as he advanced on me menacingly, his (thankfully, blessedly) sheathed blades held at his sides. "I just so happen to be one of those people."

"I beg to differ!" I squawked desperately as I scrambled to wrench myself up to my feet.

"WOO! Go Zoro! RIP HIS PUNY HEAD OFF!"

"SHOVE IT, SOUNDBITE!" I roared at the Baby Transponder Snail that was resting on a nearby barrel. "I don't see you going through these exercises! Or any exercise for that matter!" My expression turned thoughtful, and then predatory as a thought occurred to me. "Let's see about changing that."

The beads of sweat that immediately popped up on Soundbite's shell were quite gratifying.

"Hey, Zoro, do you mind if we call it a day?" I said to the swordsman. "I'd like to talk Devil Fruit theory with Luffy and Chopper."

Zoro's snort caused Soundbite to breath a sigh of relief. "You're not gonna get out of this that easily, Cross."

"The hell he isn't!"

I sagged in relief as our latest crewmate interposed himself between me and my 'teacher'. "Cross's flesh might have been fully adapted thanks to both his diet and Doctorine's medicine," Chopper lectured firmly. "But his skeletal structure is another matter entirely! If you push him much further, then you're liable to really break him!"

"And if what Chopper's been saying is right, that means at least another month before you can go back to tormenting him!" Usopp added gleefully from where he was tinkering on the deck.

"He's right, he's right!" I nodded frantically as I jabbed my finger at Chopper. "One month, that's how long it takes for soft, squishy, me-like humans to heal bone-breaks! You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?"

Zoro hummed slightly as he considered the facts. "Hey Chopper... when bones heal, the break becomes tougher, doesn't it?"

Somehow, both a red hue of rage and a blue hue of horror shined through Chopper's fur as he grimaced at the swordsman. "There are so many things wrong with what you're thinking, I don't even know where to start."

"I'd like to reiterate my intense desire to not get snapped like a twig!" I piped up frantically.

Zoro ground his teeth in aggravation for a moment before snorting and re-sheathing his swords in his haramaki. "Tch, wimp. Fine, take a break. I'll just come at you harder in a few hours, both in our spars and in exercise."

I allowed myself to collapse to the deck in relief. "Oh thank you sweet merciful heaven..." I wheezed, my fatigue finally hitting me head-on.

"Wimp," Zoro repeated, rolling his eyes as he picked up one of his stupidly huge weights and started on his own, complete inhuman routine.

"Jackass..." I growled back, making to sit up before a firm hoof was pressed into my shoulder.

"No moving until I've given you a once-over," Chopper ordered firmly before directing his attention to my arms. "Now help me get these things off of you."

"Oh, yeah..." Usopp mused as he eyed me curiously. "I've been meaning to ask: how're they treating you, anyways?"

I followed the pair's gazes and allowed myself a confident smirk as I caught sight of what he was addressing: affixed upon my forearms were a pair of metal gauntlets that incorporated vambraces and couters, essentially twin masses of metal that reached up my arms until they enclosed my elbows. Furthermore, I had another pair of armor pieces affixed to my lower legs: greaves with sabatons and poleyns attached, designed to fully protect my feet, shins and knees from most damage.

"I'd say they're working pretty well, Usopp." I nodded confidently as I rolled my shoulder and flexed my fingers. It was quite impressive: while the armor did weigh a fair bit, it wasn't enough to be a problem, and more importantly was flexible enough at the joints to impair not my full mobility. "You really managed to outdo yourself."

"Hmph!" Usopp sniffed confidently with a grin of pride. "Of course I did! I constantly continue to surprise all around myself with my impressive skills, even me!"

"Okay, tone it down a bit, DiCaprio," I drawled, rolling my eyes with a chuckle.

Usopp blinked owlishly. "Who?"

"Gentlemen, you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention," Soundbite drawled back in a southern accent before breaking down into giggles. "GREAT actor, very DRAMATIC!"

"Oh bi- grgh you little-!" the sniper snarled furiously.

"Heh, yeah, hard to get used to not saying it, isn't it?" I chuckled as I scratched the back of my head.

"Hey, watch it!" Chopper hollered as he snatched my arm back. "No moving until I'm done! Now let me... ergh... just..." Chopper struggled fruitlessly at wrenching my gauntlet off before grinning at me sheepishly. "A little help?"

"Umm... yeah, one second..." I slowly moved my other arm and fiddled with the armor covering my elbow, flipping open a hidden panel and twisting the metal just so. As a result, a series of clicks came from the armor, and the second-skin of metal I was wearing flexed outwards at the seams, allowing me to slide my arm out. "It's about the same around my knees, too."

"Seems complicated..." Chopper muttered as he looked my hand over.

"Thank you!" Usopp preened.

"The harder it is for people to get my armor off, the less likely it is my enemies will get it off should I be incapacitated," I explained matter-of-factly. "Besides, I can take it off without help, so it's not that complicated."

"Well, if you say so..." Chopper hummed as he prodded my arm, drawing a wince of pain from me.

"Watch it!" I demanded.

"Hmm..." the young doctor nodded definitively. "Well, it looks like you're pretty intact, all things considered. You have a few minor stress fractures in your radius and ulna, as I suspected, and I expect your tibia and fibula will be in about the same condition. Still, I guess it could be worse. So long as you don't stress them too much for awhile, you should be healed in a few hours."

I blinked in surprise as I flexed my fingers contemplatively. "Wait... seriously? You're going to let me off with simple fractures without doing anything?"

"Huh?" Chopper blinked in confusion. "Yeah, of course. Fractures are dangerous if they're aggravated too seriously, but so long as they don't develop into full-blown breaks, you should be fine." He cocked his eyebrow in confusion. "Why? How serious are they normally for you?"

"Umm..." I wiggled my fingers contemplatively. "I... I'm pretty sure that they'd have me decked out in casts back home."

"Seriously!?" Chopper squawked in disbelief. "B-but I'd expect that kind of a healing rate from someone with an immune deficiency! Or some kind of brittle-bone disease!" The young doctor started looking me over analytically. "Actually... now that I think about it... maybe that explains why your body was so weak when I was helping Doctorine treat you... auto-immune diseases and other afflictions laid so deep into your species' bloodlines that they've become the norm, maybe?"

I felt a chill run down my spine as I noticed the very disturbing shine in Chopper's eyes. "Yeah... maybe..." I hedged as I tried to remove my arm from Chopper's hooves. An endeavor I was forced to redouble as he clutched my limb in a deathgrip. "Hey, here's a thought: let's not dissect me for the answers and say that we did, alright?"

"H-huh?" Chopper blinked before starting as I finally managed to wrench my arm free. "O-oh, oh! Right, s-sorry about that, heheh..."

"Yeah..." I trailed off as I eyed the reindeer warily. "Anyways... overall prognosis?"

"Well..." Chopper rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Your new fighting style is very taxing on your body, but that might just be Zoro putting more punishment on you than any normal person would go through. I'm fairly certain that with your body's rate of adaptation, you should be fine in a matter of days. But seriously, for now, don't push yourself too far. Fractures aren't too serious, but if the bones break, then you will need casts to keep your bones in place."

"Got it, thanks," I nodded firmly. "It's nice to know that I won't be literally battering my body to pieces."

"Yeah, about that..." Zoro huffed as he swung his weights back and forth. "Are you really sure that's how you want to fight? Brawling, despite being weaker than pretty much everyone around? Why not use an actual weapon, like a gun or something?"

"Because!" I jabbed my finger at him. "Guns need time, training and discipline to learn how to properly handle them, and if they're mishandled, then they're as much a danger to the wielder as they are to the wielder's enemies. The same can be said of any other weapon, and neither time nor discipline is available to master them. Brawling is different in that it's easy and immediate and anybody can learn it. The basic idea is simple enough: hit the enemy, don't let them hit you, and use every last dirty trick in the book you can muster. These," I held up my gauntlet for him to see. "Are designed to give me an advantage, so as to counter my disadvantage."

It wasn't a perfect solution, I knew that, but it was the best one I had available to me. I couldn't swing a sword in a way that wasn't an embarrassment to the weapon, I couldn't shoot a gun well enough to hit the broad side of a barn, and I couldn't wield any other weapon worth a damn. But if there was one thing I knew, without a doubt, that I could do, then it was throw a punch. And heck, even if my punches were weak, then at least I could compensate by fighting dirtier than a hog in a mud pit. The armor was just there so that whatever I pulled, it would be certain to stick.

"Besides," I continued with an indifferent shrug. "In the end, this is all meant as a last resort. With Soundbite's powers and my brains, the only way I'll get into a fight is if something goes seriously wrong. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, right?"

"Hmph..." Zoro snorted dismissively. "Well, you're not the strongest fighter, that's for sure, but you're definitely better than some people I've seen. You should be up to speed by the time we reach Alabasta."

"Glad to hear it..." I sighed in relief.

"Now then..." The swordsman cast a glare at me. "I thought you were going to talk about Devil Fruit powers, or was that just an excuse to squirm out of training?"

I shivered heavily at the implications before snapping a look at Soundbite. "Get Luffy up here, now!"

Soundbite chuckled as he produced an electronic whine...

WHAM! "AND STAY OUT YOU RUBBERY BASTARD!"

Before immediately cutting himself off as Luffy was launched straight out of the Merry's kitchen - er, galley - and almost overboard, only just managing to catch himself on the Merry's figurehead at the last moment.

"Wow, Sanji's pissed!" Luffy laughed. "Oh, and I'm alive! That's nice! So, whatcha guys doin'?"

I blinked numbly as I tried to process Luffy's motormouth before finally smiling back. "I was just about to call you. I wanted to talk with you, Chopper and Soundbite about your Devil Fruits. And don't worry!" I hastily raised my hands when Luffy grimaced sourly. "I'm not gonna give you any spoilers, I swear. I just... want to set you guys on the right path to making yourselves stronger, alright?"

Luffy mulled the statement over fretfully for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Eh, fair enough. Just be careful."

"Alright then..." I nodded slowly as I considered my words before looking between the three Devil Fruit users present. "Okay, here's what I want to know: out of the three of you present, which of you do you think is getting the most they possibly can out of their Devil Fruit?"

Luffy, Chopper and Soundbite blinked in confusion. "Huh?" they chorused.

"You heard me," I said. "Who's exploiting their Devil Fruit to the fullest, using and pushing their powers to the utmost limits?"

The trio glanced at one another in confusion before tilting their heads thoughtfully.

"WEEELL..." Soundbite mused. "Not to toot my own horn, but I think THAT'S ME!"

"I... think Soundbite might be right," Chopper nodded hesitantly. "I mean, translating for animals, speaking himself, and all that despite originally being an animal. No offense Luffy, but that sounds more like what Cross is talking about to me."

"Yeah, what he said," Luffy nodded in agreement as he pointed at Chopper. "I use my powers to help my strength, that's all. Soundbite's a lot better with his."

"Hmm... interesting answers..." I nodded before crossing my arms in front of me. "But also wrong!"

"WHAT!?" Soundbite hollered in disbelief.

"Seriously?" Luffy blinked in surprise.

"T-then who-?" Chopper asked in confusion.

"That's easy!" I grinned at the reindeer. "You!"

"M-ME!?" Chopper squawked in disbelief.

"Him!?" Luffy and Soundbite chorused.

"B-b-but Cross!" Chopper flailed frantically. "I-I don't exploit my powers at all! I-in fact, I can't! I mean, I'm a Zoan! Our powers are hard-lined, we can only trans...form... into..." the doctor slowly trailed off as his eyes widened in realization.

"Most Zoans can only transform into three different forms, yes," I nodded slowly in agreement. "But you, Chopper, managed to break that rule. You exploited your powers from the second you created the Rumble Balls because you found a way to delineate them. Let me ask you all a question." I glanced at everyone present. "Do you know what's the most dangerous part of a Devil Fruit user, what it is that makes them so much more dangerous? Beyond dangerous even?"

"Uhh... their powers?" Usopp posed, though he obviously wasn't confident in his answer.

"Powers, duh!" Luffy concurred.

"DITTO!" Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"Um..." Chopper tapped his chin thoughtfully before raising his hoof. "The variety of powers available?"

"The user," Zoro huffed absent-mindedly with a swing of his weights.

I pointed at the swordsman. "The swordsman is the closest. In my opinion, the most dangerous part of a Devil Fruit is the rules of their powers."

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "I didn't know that Devil Fruit powers have rules!"

"That's the thing!" I waved my arms and nodded in agreement. "So few powers do! Many many many Devil Fruit powers have no rules on them, no restrictions on how they work, no limits. They can be exploited any number of ways, and no one and nothing can say otherwise. It all depends on how the user thinks of how to exploit them. From there, the only limit is that what the user tries to achieve is within the bounds of his powers, and even then what they achieve can only be tangentially related to their... powers..."

I trailed off as I caught sight of the dumbfounded and confused looks the others were giving me. "Alright..." I sighed as I kneaded the bridge of my nose. "Let me give you an example. Imagine a fruit known as the Blind Blind Fruit. When somebody eats it, they become a Blind person, capable of stealing a sense from anybody with a single touch. Tell me: what senses could that person steal?"

"Um..." Usopp started counting down on his fingers. "Taste, touch, smell, hearing and sight. Right?"

"That's all? Really?" I tilted my head innocently.

"Uh... yeah?"

I was silent as I just stared at Usopp, seconds ticking by.

Finally, Usopp broke the silence. "Uh, Cross?"

"How long was I silent, Usopp?" I asked him.

"Huh? Uh... ten, twelve seconds I think? Why? What does that-?"

"Sounds like your sense of time is right on track," I interrupted him.

"H-huh? Yeah, I guess it is, so wha-!" Usopp cut himself off as a look of realization and horror swept over his face. "W-wait, you can't mean-!"

Before Usopp could finish speaking, I reached over to Chopper and flicked his nose.

"OW!" the young reindeer yelped, clamping his hooves down on his muzzle. "WATCH IT!"

"And it would appear that Chopper's sense of pain is working pretty well," I mused.

Chopper immediately froze. "No way... you can't mean-!"

"Hey Zoro, which way do you think is north?" I didn't give the swordsman the time to respond. "Never mind, I forgot that your sense of direction isn't exactly the best."

Zoro was too busy looking green with horror to respond.

I spread my arms wide as I started to pace around the forecastle. "Sense of pain, sense of hunger, sense of balance, sense of proprioception - aka hand-eye coordination - sense of fashion... and what of your sense of morality? Your sense of thought? Of self? Of independence?" I looked at them all slowly. "Can you imagine the consequences of losing a single one? For so much as a moment?"

The silence was absolutely deafening.

I shook my head firmly. "Devil Fruits give powers based around a word. From there, their users can exploit that word to the utmost, pushing it to its limit, and finding copious ways to exploit them. The stupid and ineffective users, they'd do like Usopp did: they'd focus on the obvious effect, the obvious usage of their powers. Now, that might cut it for users out in the Blue Seas... but the ones here, here in the Grand Line?" I jabbed my finger out to sea. "They're the dangerous ones. The strong ones. The smart ones. They're the ones who embrace every aspect of their words and use them to the utmost. They take the words 'paw', 'string', 'love' and 'sand'..." I looked Luffy dead in the eye. "And they use those words to maintain their positions as Warlords."

Luffy swallowed heavily, but, thankfully enough, he didn't get angry.

I nodded slowly before looking between our resident Devil Fruit users. "If we want to survive on this sea... if we want to make it through our upcoming battles alive... then you guys have only one option: jailbreak your powers. Exploit them to the utmost, and use them in ways that surpass the logical. Beyond mere stretching, beyond mere creative usage of ventriloquism. Beyond even transcending the form-limit. Either you go higher and farther than most could... or the journey ahead will be that much more painful. Got it?"

I winced slightly as the guys nodded morosely.

"Look, sorry for getting all depressing like that, but the fact is that these things are serious. I just don't want our asses to get kicked any harder than they need to be. And besides, you don't need to come up with anything now, just... think about it, alright?"

For a moment, there was silence aside from the wind, waves, and the creaking of the ship. And then Soundbite spoke up.

"I HAVE an idea."

I snapped my gaze over to where he was sitting in disbelief. "Ex-cuse me?"

Soundbite rolled his eyes in exasperation before repeating himself. "I. HAVE. AN IDEA!"

"Oh, that's cool," Luffy nodded obliviously.

"Why does that not fill me with confidence?" Usopp groaned to himself.

Chopper's reaction, meanwhile...

"What is it, what is it?" he squealed eagerly, stars glimmering in his eyes.

Soundbite's response was to grin eagerly at me. "I'LL SHOW YOU! PICK ME UP! We're fighting ZORO again!"

"EXCUSE ME!?" I yelped again in disbelief.

"Sounds good to me," Zoro grinned menacingly as he set his weights back down, drawing Kitetsu III and Yubashiri from his side. "Armor up, Cross. Or don't, I could care less."

Moving fast, I hastily snatched up my loose gauntlet and shoved my arm back in, twisting it just so and causing it all to snap back into place. I then made to pick up Soundbite, but hesitated as I did so. "You sure about this?"

Soundbite nodded firmly. "I'M NOT SITTING ON THE SIDELINES! Let's get ready to rumble!"

"Well, if you say so..." I sighed as I picked him up and placed him on my shoulder before turning to face Zoro.

"GREAT! Now put on your headphones!"

I looked at Soundbite in disbelief. "At risk of wearing the words out, excuse me?"

"JUST DO IT!" Soundbite barked.

I grumbled darkly for a second before conceding and sliding the devices over my ears. I then blinked in confusion as music started filtering through them before casting a look at Soundbite. "I really doubt that a theme music power-up will work, and even if it did, I'm pretty sure that there are better choices then 'Panic! At The Disco'."

"SHUT UP and fight!" Soundbite snarled over the music.

Rolling my eyes in exasperation, I held up my fists and nodded at Zoro.

The swordsman grinned and started to come at me, but just as he started to set his foot forwards, he stopped and blinked in confusion, apparently tilting his head to listen to something. Whatever it was, I couldn't hear it on account of Soundbite drowning it out. In the end, if the glare he gave Soundbite was anything to go by, he blamed the snail for it, ultimately dismissing it and continuing to stalk forwards.

I frowned. Whatever Soundbite was doing, it didn't seem to be having much of an- OHSHITDUCK!

I just barely managed to duck under the aggravatingly lazy swing Zoro sent my way. Or at least, a swing that looked like it was lazy. I'd fallen for that trick before, and he'd almost snapped my arm for it.

Still, making use of the angle of my dodge, I lunged forwards at the swordsman, swinging my fist up at his face. I winced as he blocked the blow with Kitetsu's sheath, but I hastily rallied by trying to grab the cover and launch my knee into his side.

SLAM!

I wheezed in pain as Yubashiri's sheath came out of nowhere and rammed into my side. My breath whooshed out of me, and I could feel my ribs creak under the lacquered wood. Nevertheless, I fought through the pain and lunged forwards at the swordsman, grabbing his collar with my free hand and launching my forehead forwards. It was an act of desperation, but-!

CRUNCH!

I blinked in equal parts pain and shock as I felt my head make contact. I'd actually managed to headbutt him!?

Stumbling back from Zoro as I rubbed my throbbing skull, I took in the display in disbelief. Indeed, the swordsman was clutching his nose in pain, grimacing as blood flowed around his fingers.

How the hell had I managed to do that!? I hadn't even managed to lay so much as a finger on him before, so what the hell was the difference now!?

I had no time to think about that as Zoro lurched forward. Yes, lurched. Had it been anyone else I'd have assumed he'd been hitting the grog before this fight, but his inhuman alcohol tolerance made it unlikely. Still, as unsteady as he was, his steady advance, punctuated by a series of jabs from his sheathed swords, was almost more than I could handle. In fact, it was more than I could handle: I took hits to the sternum, right shoulder, and left thigh before he stumbled on apparently nothing and fell to his knees.

I frowned as he struggled to get to his feet, then grinned. Well, whatever was going on, Zoro couldn't do much unable to stand. I stepped forward, swinging my leg to give him a nice kick to the head and-

Wait, when did the deck and the sky switch places?

...oh shi-

SLAM!

"...ow..." I wheezed miserably as I lay upside down on the deck, my ass hanging heavy over my head. I winced as I slowly worked my headphones off of my aching ears. "Well that didn't work..."

"User error, not my fault!" Soundbite defended hastily from within his shell.

"What the hell did your damn snail do anyways?!" Zoro snarled as he leaned against the nearest railing he could grab, shaking his head tiredly. "Ergh, haven't felt this way since my last hangover..."

"Yea-woah!" I cursed vehemently as I righted myself, coming way too close to tumbling for answers. "What did you-?"

"Ooooorgh..."

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion as I turned my head to look at the rest of my crewmates, and was greeted with the sight of all three of them draping themselves over the side of the ship, their expressions characteristic of extreme nausea.

"That sucked..." Luffy moaned.

"I don't feel too good..." Chopper concurred.

"The heck's wrong with you guys?" I asked in confusion.

"No clue..." Usopp groaned as he clutched his head. "The second the fight started, Soundbite started making a racket of laughter and screams and music and... I don't even know what I was hearing. All that matters is after a few seconds, my head started ringing and I wasn't able to stand up anymore... eurgh, what did you do to us!?" The last part was directed at Soundbite.

The snail in question poked his head out of his shell with a wide, toothy grin plastered across his face. "I GOT creative!"

I frowned as I tried to work out what he was talking about. Alright, so that brouhaha Usopp described was most likely what got Zoro's attention when the fight started, but how could a lot of noise possibly lead to dizziness and disorientation?

Unless...

"Unless it didn't..." I breathed in realization before looking at Soundbite. "That mess of noise, that didn't make them dizzy, it was covering up what really was, wasn't it?" I couldn't help but grin enthusiastically as I grasped the full scale of what Soundbite had just done. "You tickled their inner ears, didn't you?"

Soundbite nodded eagerly in agreement. "Yup! CHECK IT!" And with that, he proceeded to shut his mouth and start vibrating slightly, a slight hum shaking the air. "SUBSONIC VIBRATIONS! It's not easy, BUT IT WORKS!" he explained in a slightly shaky voice.

"Wow..." I whistled in awe. "So basically, you disorientate enemies and make it easier for me to take them down. Brilliant..." I then brought my hand up to my headphones as I realized something. "But uncontrolled. That's why you had me listening to music, to drown out the vibrations. You hit Zoro, sure, but you also hit the guys as collateral. Bit dangerous, don't you think? We won't be able to use this when we're fighting with the others."

"IF WE'RE FIGHTING alone, then someone FUCKED UP," Soundbite retorted.

I paused as I considered the statement before nodding slowly in agreement. "That's... actually a good point."

"Yeah well, even if it is," Zoro grunted as he shook his head a final time and seemed to reclaim his balance at last. "It's not going to get you out of exercising. Fifty pushups, now."

"Yes sir..." I groaned as I laid down on the deck.

"EIN ZWEI-!"

"Oh, you're not getting off that easy!" I snarled at Soundbite. "You're going to be practicing that move off the bow until you can control it, got it?"

Soundbite's cocky expression immediately died, hard. "JACKASS!"

"Hey, free rides don't last forever, you know!" I scoffed as I slapped him down on the railing. "Now start working on the move!"

The snail growled and ground his teeth for a moment before turning around and staring off over the sea. A slight rippling in the waves was the only sign apparent to me that anything was going on.

"Oh yeah, by the way!" Luffy cut in with a grin, looking noticeably less green. "What're you gonna call that move anyways?"

"Huh?" Soundbite and I chorused as we looked at Luffy in confusion.

"Oh, yeah!" Usopp perked up in agreement. "I've been meaning to ask that, too, what are you guys going to call your attacks?"

"The heck are you-?" I blinked as I realized what they were talking about. "Oh... oh! Ah..." I trailed off slightly as I thought things over. "I... I've never really thought about it. I mean, really." I shrugged indifferently. "It's not that important, is it?"

"It really is!" Luffy nodded firmly.

"I'm surprised you even have to ask!" Usopp concurred.

"They're right!" Chopper piped up.

"And why the heck would it possibly be that important!?" I asked incredulously. Seriously, I knew that it sounded and looked cool when it was in entertainment, but in actual practice? It did not make a lot of sense. Well, sense meant absolutely jack in One Piece, to be sure, but still!

"Helps you concentrate," Zoro grunted as he got back into his weight-reps. "Puts your all into your moves, helps to keep you in the zone."

"And it sounds cool!" Luffy added.

"And it sounds cool," Zoro nodded reluctantly in agreement.

I opened my mouth... then shut it with a groan as I realized that there was no chance in the six and a half levels of hell of talking them out of this charade. "Alright... might as well keep it simple. Noise-Noise... something?"

"NO WAY!" Soundbite barked. "I'm low but not THAT LOW!"

"Ergh..." I thunked my head against the floorboards. "Goddamn picky son of a- no, wait, that implies you were born and not spawned from the depths of hell." I continued with my pushups as I wracked my brains for a suitable name. "I don't know... something along the lines of babble? Prattle? Blather? Maybe in conjunction with the word pest or nuisance?"

"HA HA HA. I almost forgot TO LAUGH," my partner-in-crime intoned.

"Alright lovebirds, less arguing, more exercising. We can work this out later," Zoro ordered.

"Yes sir..." we chorused reluctantly before returning to work.

Without anything further to entertain them, the rest of the guys slowly trickled away; Usopp wandered off to continue his work in the kitchen, Luffy swung his way around the ship at his leisure, and Chopper popped in and out periodically to check up on the both of us, griping about us overexerting ourselves but not much else.

My next pertinent meeting was about an hour later as I was doing curl-ups with my arms tied behind my back and my legs tied to the deck. Against my will, of course, but since when had something like protesting ever stopped Zoro?

"Hey Cross, do you have a second?"

I gave Nami a flat look as I jerked my head at my binds. "I obviously don't have anywhere to be, that's for damn sure." I promptly winced as I heard my tone of voice. "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that, I just feel like I went ten rounds in a ring with a gorilla is all. What do you need?"

Nami bit her lip hesitantly as she visibly fought with herself before speaking. "It's... I'm going to go out on a limb and say you know about a conversation I had with Usopp awhile back, right?"

"You wanted him to make you a new weapon, right," I nodded in agreement. I racked my brain for what I could recall of that particular flashback before wincing sympathetically. "For the record, you're not a hindrance. Seriously, you managed to take down Miss Valentine's Day, right? That's more than I've managed to do, that's for sure. Not to mention that you can read the weather like an open book, so there's that too."

"That... means a lot to me, Cross..." Nami nodded hesitantly before sighing heavily. "But that's not enough and you know it. That's why you got that armor, right? So that you could make some kind of difference?"

I froze as I suddenly became acutely aware of the weight of my armor. "...Fair enough. You were saying?"

"I just..." Nami waved her arm helplessly. "Want to know if it's going to work, you know?

"It should," I replied with a nod. "Though I'd recommend you read the manual before you get in a fight for your life."

Nami blinked as she tried to work out what I was saying before slowly turning to glare daggers at the kitchen. "Good idea..." she hissed. "As a matter of fact, I'm going to go and get involved in the design process, get a good look at the blueprints."

"Mind if I make a suggestion for that particular meeting?"

"What?"

I couldn't help but grin impishly. "Five Cast Iron."

Nami's face flushed furiously for a moment before she smiled demonically. "I'll take that into consideration..." she said in a far too calm voice as she stalked off.

"Dead. Man. Walking," Soundbite droned with all the gravity of a death knell.

"Hey, she was almost stuck like a pig thanks to him," I defended. "In my opinion, the bastard's earned it. 'Sides, she won't hurt him..."

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND!?"

I winced as the sounds of scuffling and yelling rang out from the kitchen.

"Much?" I amended hesitantly.

A few minutes later, my exercise was interrupted once anew by a bruised and battered mummy standing over me, glaring daggers down at my prone form.

"Before you say anything!" I defended hastily. "You did try to put party tricks into a weapon. That might work for you, but it sure the heck doesn't work for the rest of us!"

Usopp growled darkly beneath the bandages covering his mouth for a moment before shuffling off.

"Try working on your explosive ammo!" I called after him. "Take my word for it, with the guys we're going up against? Bigger is way better!"

It was hard to tell whether he agreed with me or not, muffled as he was.

I made to go back to exercising before jerking back up as a another thought struck me. "Oh, and I'd suggest Chopper and Luffy and you start fishing pretty damn soon!"

I'm fairly certain that grunt was an affirmative. That or some kind of expletive, but eh, whatever.

"LUFFY gonna pig out?" Soundbite asked.

"Among other things..." I shrugged with a grimace. Here's hoping that our new guest isn't too dangerous.

But still, come on, it wasn't like the guy could be that bad, even if he was a cross-dressing assassin with a questionable - at best - taste in fashion.

-o-

I was wrong, I acknowledged miserably as my eye twitched furiously. Wrong on so many levels.

He could be that bad, and so much worse to boot.

Once again, Oda's art had not been quite up to the task of depicting what was in front of me. And unlike with, say, Laboon, that had been a good thing. Suffice to say that that outfit and that makeup did not look good on that body. Hell, I don't think it was possible for it to look good on any body, period!

"I officially envy the blind..." I muttered beneath my breath.

"The horror..." Soundbite whimpered miserably from within his shell.

"HMMMM? I'm sorry, boy, what did you just say!?"

"GRGH!" I jumped back in shock as Mr. 2 suddenly got right up in my face, an expression I could only describe as 'peeved' painted on his face.

"Do you have a problem with okamas, young man?" he demanded with a huff.

My eye twitched furiously as I caught my hand jerking towards my baton. "Alright, first off, I am eighteen and I think I'm starting to develop a complex here, so fair warning, there's a non-zero chance I will brain you if you don't back off."

Thankfully, the okama listened to me, giving me some space with an embarrassed chuckle. "Aheh, sorry about that."

"Right..." I muttered, taking a moment to properly formulate a response before speaking. "Anyways... second, concerning your question: I... do not dislike okamas based on their choice. What they want to wear or... other facets of their personalities are wholly and utterly none of my business. That being said, though..." I glanced downwards with a shudder. "If you're going to walk around with your legs bare, then for the love of god, invest in some razors!"

Mr. 2 cocked an eyebrow at me curiously before shrugging indifferently. "Fair enough. To be fair, that answer is more cordial than most you can expect! Ah well, tata then!" And with that, he spun back to his more... 'adoring' audience.

I couldn't help but cock my eyebrow at the display, trying to work through the sheer cognitive dissonance. To think that this guy was the... third most dangerous guy in Baroque Works? Fourth if you counted Doublefinger.

While Mr. 2 was talking, I happened to notice Nami and Zoro eyeing me warily. If the way they were glancing at the okama was anything to go by, they wanted to know what the deal was.

I considered things for a brief moment before finally deciding that there was no real reason to keep them in the dark. Hence, I surreptitiously positioned my hand just so in the crook of my elbow and flashed a pair of fingers at them.

The way they stiffened showed that they obviously got the message, but I hastily shook my head as Zoro grabbed one of his swords. If we took down Bon Clay now, chances were that we would be shooting ourselves in the foot way down the line. No way in hell was I risking that.

I was drawn out of my thoughts by Mr. 2 speaking up and reeling his arm back. "BEHOLD MY ABILI-!"

"Hey, watch it!" I yelped as I grabbed his wrist.

"Awww, Cross! What gives!?" Luffy whined childishly.

"'What gives' is that there are a hundred and one different Devil Fruit abilities on the sea. If you think there's a chance that I'm going to let a stranger use their ability on this ship without telling us what it is, then you're out of your mind!" I snapped hastily. Damn that had been way too close. Still, on the bright side, Luffy was probably going to be able to remain anonymous for a bit longer. Heck, with any luck we all might.

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "But Cross, don't you- GRK!" Our captain's voice was cut off in a choked gurgle as Nami hastily throttled his windpipe.

"Oh, don't mind me, please continue." Nami's calm expression was in complete opposition to the veins popping up on her arms.

Bon Clay gave Nami a confused look before shrugging indifferently and smiling at me. "Well, you seem like quite the smart cookie, my friend. It's not often that one sees someone quite so smart on the Grand Line! Good on you!" he complimented as he gave me a paternal pat on the cheek.

I couldn't help but chuckle sheepishly as I scratched the back of my head. "Yeah, well, someone on this crew has to use common sense, n-eek!" I froze as I processed what had just happened.

He'd patted me on the cheek.

He'd patted me. On the cheek. With his right hand.

"Uh-oh..." I breathed numbly.

"Heeheeheehee!" Mr. 2 smirked as he slapped his right hand to his own cheek and shot my own grin back at me. "Guess you're not as smart as you thought after all, huuuuuuh~?"

The best response I could muster was a strangled gurgle.

"Haha!" Bon Clay cheered as he spun around eagerly. "Behold! The power of the Clone-Clone Fruit! By touching someone with my right hand-!"

I tuned Bon Clay's explanation out as I processed the implications of what had just happened. Well, my attempt to stop Mr. 2 from grabbing faces had just failed in my own regard...

I tensed as I saw him heading for my crewmates.

But that sure as heck didn't mean it'd have to fail for everyone else!

"Hey!" I barked as I got between him and everyone else. "No touchy, especially not in the face!"

"Crooooss!" Luffy whined childishly.

"Come on, Cross, why do you have to ruin our fun!?" Usopp demanded.

"Fun-killer!" Chopper concurred.

"I don't know about you, but personally? I don't consider the idea of leaving my... everything in the hands of a stranger to be 'fun'," I stated flatly before glaring at Bon Clay. "Bad enough you have my face, but so long as I have any say in all this, then you won't be getting anyone else's."

Mr. 2 pouted innocently. "Aww, don't you trust me, Mr. Cross?"

I gave Mr. 2 a flat look. "You tricked me and stole my face. In a word?" I leaned forwards and narrowed my eyes accusingly. "No."

"Oh, you're no fun," Mr. 2 accused me. I just crossed my arms and leaned back, glaring expectantly at him. "Well, I suppose I can work with just one face. Let's try this again: behold, the power of the Clone-Clone Fruit!"

And with that, Bon Clay started up his carnival of faces, swapping one for another for another. It was rather impressive, to be honest, if slightly disturbing. At least it was a clean type of transition, as opposed to the more disturbing options out there.

I did flinch when he took on Cobra's face, that's for damn sure. How the hell he got that, I don't even want to consider.

Judging from the way that Carue squawked behind me, I wasn't the only one who recognized the face.

"Th-that face! That's-ERK!" Carue cut himself off as I rammed my elbow into his side.

"Not another word, duck!" I hissed beneath my breath.

Carue stared at me in disbelief. "But that's-!"

"Shh!" I shushed him.

Carue ground his beak darkly for a moment before leaning in conspiratorially. "But that wath Vivi's father!"

"I know that!" I growled in agreement as I continued glancing cautiously at the Officer Agent. "But the fact is that we can't let him know that we know that. If we do, things are going to become a lot more... interesting around here. Just wait until he's gone, it shouldn't be long now."

"But Cwoss..." Carue shook his head furiously. "Someone wike that with the face of a king, of Vivi's father!"

I shook my head sadly. "You have no idea. But the fact is that we can't do anything about it right now. For now... just grit your beak and bear it."

Carue glanced distrustingly at Bon Clay for a moment before giving me a hesitant nod. "If you say so, Cwoss..."

"I do," I nodded solemnly. "I don't do it gladly, but I do either way." I was silent for a moment as Carue slowly trotted off before grimacing and shaking my head. "I don't do it gladly, but here's hoping that things turn out for the best either way..."

"That bad?" Soundbite asked nervously.

I glanced at him for a moment before sighing miserably. "I let him go, he burns a city down. We stop him here... well, simply put, I condemn Luffy to a guaranteed death."

Soundbite's eyes widened in shock for a moment before he scowled furiously. "MORTON'S FORK, huh?"

"Yeah," I nodded grimly. "Save that unlike on Little Garden, the choice is a lot more obvious." I cast a grim look at Mr. 2. "We stay the course... for better or for worse."

And so Mr. 2 and our more childish crewmates played and celebrated for several minutes, under my, Zoro's and Nami's supervision so as to ensure he didn't grab anyone else's faces. At long last, though, the fun came to an end as Mr. 2's swan-headed ship came into view and he leapt aboard.

"Farewell, my friends!" he cried sadly. "May we meet again one day!"

"Goodbye, weird guy! We'll miss you!" Luffy cried.

"Bye, weird guy!" Chopper and Usopp concurred.

"Oh don't worry, we'll be seeing him again..." I informed them blandly.

"Now then, my men!" Mr. 2 pointed forwards dramatically. "Let us be off!"

"Yes sir, Mr. 2 Bon Clay sir!" his crew cried out as they set their ship's paddles to charge off at full speed.

We watched the ship draw off for a few moments before I finally spoke up.

"Oh yeah, we'll be seeing him again real soon," I deadpanned.

"THAT WAS MR. 2!?" Luffy, Chopper and Usopp squawked in disbelief.

"Seriously, that was one of the strongest Officer Agents in Baroque Works?" Zoro scoffed.

"I guess it takes all kinds, huh?" Nami asked weakly.

"T-That was actually Mr. 2 Bon Clay!" Vivi gasped in shock.

"Didn't you know what he looked like!?" Usopp demanded.

"Nuh-uh, we nevah met anyone bewow Mistah Thwee, and that was enough for me!" Carue squawked in denial.

"But... I did hear rumors..." Vivi moaned as she sank to her knees. "That he's a flamboyant crossdresser, that he has swans on his coat and the words 'Okama Way' are printed on his back."

"Are you blind?" Luffy, Usopp and Zoro deadpanned in disbelief.

"Would you like me to suggest some memory exercises for you now, or would you rather wait until after you forget some touchy nation's customs?" I asked innocently.

Unfortunately, drawing attention to myself was not the proper course of action for me to take. Vivi immediately snapped to her feet and rounded on me, fury in her eyes. "Why didn't you tell us who he was!?" she demanded. "That man had my father's face! Baroque Works has his face! Can you even imagine the kind of damage they could cause?!"

I winced as I recalled the images of a burning city. "All too well..." I sighed grimly for a second before rallying swiftly. "But while the damage he'll cause right now will be devastating, the damage that would have been caused by stopping him back then would have been positively cataclysmic, if not fatal. Believe me, I didn't like staying silent, but it was the only option I had! The fact is, we needed him to be our friend. I don't like it any more than you do, but for now the okama goes free. And besides..." I grinned confidently. "I've already done more than enough to nullify him completely."

"Oh yeah?" Zoro grunted in confusion. "How so?"

"Easy." I jabbed my thumb at Nami. "He didn't get her face."

Nami blinked in confusion at that for a moment before sighing heavily and slapping her hand to her face. "Sanji will be fighting him, won't he?"

"You called, my love?" said cook swooned as he swirled up to our navigator.

"Where da heck were you!?" Carue demanded.

"Cooking dinner in the kitchen," Sanji shrugged indifferently before looking around and taking in everyone's expressions. "What did I miss?"

"We became friends with a shapeshifting okama who stole Cross's face but he turned out to be one of the bad guys who's hurting Vivi's country," Luffy explained simply.

Sanji blinked as he took the statement in before shrugging indifferently. "Okay."

"Oh, and by the way," I spoke up as I walked up to him. "When Luffy says he stole my face, he means that the okama, Mr. 2, can use his Devil Fruit to turn into, well, me. Seeing how you'll be the one fighting him in the future, chances are that he'll try using it in order to trick you. Do you think you're prepared for that?"

Sanji stared at me flatly for a moment before placing his hands on my shoulders. "Cross," he stated solemnly. "I will not hesitate even a second before kicking your ass into a broken, bleeding pulp. Of this you have my word."

I grinned and nodded in agreement for a moment... before allowing a hint of uneasiness to enter my expression. "You mean... kick his ass... wearing my face... right?"

Sanji nodded in agreement. "That too."

I nodded numbly for a moment before hastily wheeling around and clapping my hands firmly, a rictus grin plastered on my face. "Let's work out a password just to be safe, huh?" I asked hastily.

"Eh, I don't know..." Zoro mused with a sadistic grin. "Maybe we should just give you a beating every time we see you just to be sure?"

"PASSWORD! NOW!"

"Oh, how about 'Swordfish'?"

"BETTER PASSWORD!"

"Heh, alright, alright. Any ideas?"

"...weeeell... I do have the one..."

-o-

A few foodless days and one Sea Cat-encounter later, we finally came within sight of our destination.

An expanse of land that engulfed the horizon, the most pure land I'd seen since we'd gone past the Grand Line.

An island, nay, a continent of sand, shadows and heat; a heat that was intensified even further by the flames of war and those who fanned them.

"Welcome back to Alabasta, Vivi..." I mused, clapping her on the shoulder as we pulled into Nanohana's port. "It's been waiting for you for a while now."

"Mmm..." Vivi nodded morosely in agreement. "I'd say it's good to be home, but given the circumstances..."

"Hey, come on..." I tightened my grip on her reassuringly. "What did I tell you earlier?"

Vivi was silent for a moment before smiling hopefully. "Believe in Luffy."

"Believe in Luffy," I nodded in agreement. "He might be a dingus, but in the end he's still Luffy. He'll get things done, one way or another."

"FOOOOOOOD!"

I winced at the animalistic howl that cracked the air, as well as the dust cloud left in his wake. "Usually another..." I grumbled. I then tapped Soundbite's shell and waved my finger in a circle, an electronic whine indicating that he was amping me. "I'll go after Luffy. Hurry up with getting the supplies, when we get back it'll be with his brother and a lot of Marines on our tail."

"SAY WHAT!?" everyone howled after me as I jumped ashore.

"HEY LUFFY, WAIT UP!" I called as I ran after our Captain.

And so it was that the climax to the Alabasta Saga started.

On the one side, the ragtag band of pirates I was a part of, fighting for the sake of a friend.

On the other, a nefarious criminal organization completely and utterly devoid of scruples.

On the line, the lives of everything and everyone that was within this kingdom.

As I ran into Nanohana, one simple thought defined my opinion of the situation:

'Bring it on.'