Chapter 22

Xomniac AN: Shout Out straight back to DuncanIdaho2014's New Game Plus, by far the absolute best Peggy Sue fic that I have read, if not the absolute best One Piece fic period! Seriously, great characters, great premises, great headcanons… far too frequently do One Piece fics flop face-first in a fabulous fashion, and that goes doubly for Peggy Sue Anime/Manga fics. DuncanIdaho manages to defy this trend with gusto, writing a story that not only restored my faith in the Peggy Sue genre, but in One Piece fanfiction as a whole. You're a real inspiration Duncan, and I await the next chapter of New Game Plus with bated breath!

As you're about to see, I'm not the only one grateful for your writings!

And with that outta the way, let's get onto the show and off of these rails!

Footnote—All of the above was written several days ago, when I began writing this chapter. This is written the day I post this chapter: You. Rat. Bastard. I pay you these compliments, I sing your praises, and you repay me with a work of sheer genius that completely and utterly undermines this chapter, overshadowing it completely and utterly!? My contemporary coup de grâce?! Tsk! I spit upon thy genius as much as I adore every moment of it!

For the record, you got lucky! I blame the educational system, if my workload hadn't distracted me last night, I might have updated before you!

Hmph… for now, I take solace in the fact that my story is nearly twice as long as yours and that this chapter is almost thrice as long as well, but from this moment forth? I declare you my rival!

This feud begins here and now! En garde, knave!

-o-

Three days after the rebellion had ended and Crocodile had been brought low, Alubarna was well on its way to restoration. Well… moderately so, at any rate. The rain that had poured all through the first day and into the middle of the second night had made rebuilding a tad difficult, but if the citizens of Alabasta were anything, it was stubbornly resilient. They simply rolled up their sleeves and worked day and night, through the rain, wind, and mud, and when the weather finally abated and let the piercing sun I'd become so used to shine down on the city, the people's work ethic only seemed to triple.

Granted, there were still scars present across the city, still too many lives lost, but in the end, that was inevitable. That didn't stop Soundbite from cringing whenever the topic came up, considering how much of a difference he could have made. The still-healing crack in his shell certainly didn't help matters, either; for the first time since I met the Baby Transponder Snail, he seemed to be sulking.

But still, progress was progress. Whenever we weren't staying in the royal palace watching over Luffy (if his snores were bad now, I dreaded to think what they'd be like when he learned how to sleep-eat), the crew and I could usually be found out and about in the streets of Alubarna, lending whatever aid we could manage. A beam lifted here, rubble cleared there, every bit helped. Well, so long as it wasn't too strenuous. Chopper habitually got on Zoro's case about his daily training as it was, and I had no desire to get between those two.

Speaking of the young doctor, he'd been acting… odd since our victory. Not in a necessarily bad way, mind, just… out of the ordinary. Whenever Chopper wasn't working on whatever new concoction or medical creation he'd come up with, or checking on Zoro's shredded torso or Luffy's water-levels, he was spending every waking and what should have been sleeping moment he could get in the palace's library, poring over medical textbook after medical textbook and evading every question we made about it. It was… slightly concerning, to be sure, but he seemed to be keeping himself healthy, so I couldn't really complain. The best we could do was wish him luck with whatever he was looking into.

"If life seems jolly rotten/There's something you've forgotten!"

I was jolted out of my reverie by Soundbite suddenly boosting the volume of the jaunty melody he'd been singing to himself, allowing me to recognize the exact tune and tempo.

"'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life', huh?" I asked with a grin. "What happened to all that undeserved gloom and doom, huh?"

Soundbite grinned sunnily as he kept the whistling refrain up and running. "NOT A CLUE! All I know is that all of a sudden, I FEEL HAPPY! LIKE SOME GREAT GOOD has been done for TRANSPONDER-SNAIL-KIND! Some great wrong has been RIGHTED, something has been done THAT WILL BE RECOGNIZED FOR GENERATIONS TO COME, I can feel it in my shell! Makes me wanna SING!"

I blinked in surprise at that before shrugging off the oddity of the statement in favor of a smile of my own; whatever it was he was feeling, it was far from the strangest phenomenon we'd seen on the Grand Line, and quite honestly, I wasn't willing to look the gift horse in the mouth. So, instead of complaining, I just let the good mood infect me. "Fair enough! Sing on, my gastropod companion!"

"Hey, shake a leg, Cross!"

"That's your job, Sanji!" I shot back, but complied nonetheless, hoisting the bags I was carrying in my arms. Currently, Soundbite and I were accompanying Sanji and Usopp on the final grocery run of our stay. We'd elected to pick up as many supplies as we could in anticipation of our departure later tonight, and it was always nice and inspiring to take a walk down main street.

Usopp shot a half-grin, half-smirk at Soundbite as we caught up. "Well, well, you're pretty peppy! Finally decided whether or not you're going to do us all the favor of jumping into Sanji's cookpot?"

"SCREW-SCREW-SCREW-SCREW YOOOOU~!" Soundbite auto-harmonized, never losing the cheer present in his voice.

"Well, of course he's happy, Usopp!" Sanji grinned joyously around his cigarette. "Everyone's happy today, and why shouldn't they be? Their beautiful Princess has returned to them! Truly, they have a worthy reason to rejoice!"

I grinned eagerly at Sanji's ministrations before starting to count down. "And three, two, one…"

"Huh?" Sanji blinked back at me. "Cross, what are you—?"

"HOLY MOTHER OF—!? LOOK AT MY HOUSE! THESE HOLES GO CLEAN THROUGH ALMOST A FULL BLOCK! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY KICKED THE WALLS DOWN!"

"There it is!"

Sanji promptly blushed up a storm and made a swift 90-degree turn, muttering something about wanting to check out a stall that was this way and not at all that way.

Usopp glanced between the holes and Sanji for a moment before grinning impishly. "Those holes were left by Sanji stomping Mr. 2, weren't they?"

I matched Usopp's grin tooth for tooth. "Ooooh no no no, nothing that justified. He kicked 2 through one wall. Those holes lead straight from one of the city's outer roads to the central square." I raised my nose in a haughty sniff. "And to think that he has the gall to insult Zoro for getting lost!"

"HA!" Soundbite barked jubilantly, a motion that Usopp mirrored.

"Ah, isn't it just hilarious to see people make hypocrites of themselves?" I chortled.

"MY BAR! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BAR!"

My back went ramrod straight as an agonized voice tore its way out from around a corner. I chanced a glance at Soundbite, and judging by his stricken expression I guessed that he had come to the same conclusion as me.

"What do you say we hurry up and get on back to the palace, okay? Okay!" I hastily decided, my voice an octave too high as I tried to speed walk away.

"Huh?" Usopp blinked in confusion as he turned his head towards the voice. "Why? Don't we still need—?"

"NOT THAT BAD!? IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HURRICANE BLEW THROUGH! MOST OF MY LIQUID STOCK IS SOAKING INTO THE FLOOR, THE FURNITURE'S BEEN EVISCERATED, MY SHOTGUN IS IN PIECES—YES, I HAD A FUCKING PERMIT FOR IT!—AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TRIED TO START A FUCKING CAMPFIRE! I SWEAR, IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON THE BASTARDS WHO DID THIS—!"

I tuned out the rest of what the bartender bellowed, and Sanji snickered as he put the pieces together.

"Say, Usopp, isn't it just hilarious when hypocrites are called out on their shit?" Sanji innocently asked the sniper.

"Ooooh, yeah, Sanji, it's just—!"

"—decades worth of history and culture, wasted! And for what purpose, even!? The Ala'Adulah District lies outside of the city! There should have been no reason for anyone to fight there, much less for anyone to employ high-powered explosives! And what were they even doing with all that excavating equipment in a fight?!" complained a passing elderly gentlemen.

Usopp turned his nose up with a haughty sniff when Sanji and I turned our glares on him. "Ha! Joke's on you, those Baroque Works jackasses did all the damage, so there!"

"Perhaps the oddest part of it all was the way some of the walls looked like they were blown open, but I simply can't understand it. Where could they have gotten a bull in the middle of a siege?" the elderly man's companion complained.

Usopp faltered uncomfortably as cold sweat started running down his face. "Uhhh… H-hey, is it just me or is that merchant selling copper?" he tried to deflect.

"Cross?" Sanji asked frigidly.

"Half were caused by him, half were him," I drawled at an equally cool temperature.

Usopp glanced between us frantically for a moment before plastering a nervous smile on his face. "C-call it even and never mention it again?"

Sanji and I glanced at one another before shrugging.

"Fine."

"Works for me."

"GIVE ME THE caramel peanuts and cracker jack NOW, or I BLAB TO THE WHOLE STREET! AND VIVI. Remember what she did LAST TIME?"

I winced and whipped my hand to my nose self-consciously as a stab of phantom pain shot through it. "Deal," I promptly folded, digging the snack out of the bag and tossing it up to Soundbite, letting him rip his way through the paper wrapping with his teeth.

"Blackmailed by a snail. What has this world come to?" Sanji sighed, puffing out a cloud of smoke.

"Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer 'extortion'. The 'X' makes it sound cool," Soundbite drawled as he continued chewing.

"I'm gonna take my luck and tell you to bite me," I shot back.

"OKAY!" CHOMP!

"YEOWCH!"

"You did ask for it."

"Same goes to you, long-nose!"

And so it went as we finished up our rounds of the market, eventually making our way back to the steps of the Royal Palace. Pell and Chaka were standing guard about halfway up the stairs, attending to the reception of a… welcoming party, so to speak. God bless the Marine Corps, it took dedication to be such persistent pains in our asses.

"For the last time, there are no pirates inside the palace," Chaka growled firmly.

"We kindly ask that you vacate the premises," Pell concurred in a more even tone of voice. His demeanor promptly froze over as he grabbed the hilt of his blade. "You would do well to leave before we ask you less kindly."

"I don't think you understand just how severe this situation is!" the Marine leading the party shot back with as authority as he could muster, no doubt hampered by the fact that he was facing down two royal Zoan-bodyguards. "Royal authority or not, the World Government will not ignore you harboring wanted pirates!"

"Then it's a good thing we don't know any pirates, isn't it?" Chaka shot back without hesitation.

"Hey Lord Chaka, Lord Pell," Sanji waved politely as we passed by the two.

"Welcome back," Pell smiled and waved back while Chaka maintained his glare o'death on the Marines. "Did you find everything you required?"

"Most of it," Usopp shrugged as he hefted the bags he was carrying. "We got… uh… waylaid, so to speak… but it's fine, it's fine, we can make do."

"Well, feel free to ask if you need anything, we'd be happy to send someone out to get it."

"Thank you, sir, you're too kind!" I smiled gratefully.

"Now, wait just a moment, you!" one of the Marines growled, snapping his hand to the hilt of his sword as he glared at me.

I made a show of turning around and smiling innocently at the Marine. "Good afternoon, officer!"

"'Ello, guvnah!" Soundbite concurred.

The squadron promptly tensed up as they snapped their focus to me. I think I could see a glimmer of recognition in some of their eyes. "One of the pirates we're looking for has been reported as having a Baby Transponder Snail with him capable of talking on its own," the lead Marine stated, staring pointedly at the Baby Transponder Snail on my shoulder.

I made a show of looking at Soundbite in confusion before blinking in realization. "Ooooh! Okay, I see your confusion! No, see, Polly here can't really talk, I've just trained him to act like he can! I'm a ventriloquist, you see!"

"Polly want a cracker, Polly want a cracker, SQUAWK!" Soundbite promptly provided, albeit with a sidelong glare.

"Do you really think that we believe that!?" the Marine demanded.

"Well, I don't know what you think about me," I gestured at myself before cupping my mouth with one hand and jabbing my other thumb at Soundbite. "Buuut I'd take whatever he says with a grain of salt."

"S.O.S., L.A.P.I.S. ALERT, KIDNAPPER!" Soundbite suddenly howled, jerking his head at me frantically. "Oi'm not 'ere o' me own free will!"

The Marine twitched furiously, but before he could say anything Pell interrupted him by laughing and clapping. "Bravo, sir, bravo! I'm certain that Princess Vivi will love your performance! I look forward to seeing you at dinner later tonight!"

"And I you, sir!" I saluted him promptly before turning up the stairs. "Well, we'd best be going! See you!"

"Hey, wait a—!"

"Officer, let me ask you… do you really want to press this issue?"

"Ahhh…"

I waited until we'd put a dozen or two stairs between us and the Marines before glancing at Soundbite. "Lapis?" I queried.

"Lost/Abducted Person: Initiate Search," Usopp explained.

"Local version of A.M.B.E.R." Soundbite concurred.

"Huh. Learn something new every day."

"So, Cross, about how long do we have until Luffy wakes up?" Usopp asked. "Between Soundbite's sulking and his sleeping, it's been almost too quiet around here."

"OH, YOU LIKE IT LOUD, LONG NOSE?"

"GAH!" Usopp yelped, almost dropping a bag as he clapped a hand to his head. "RIGHT IN MY EARS!"

I frowned as I thought about it, and then chuckled.

"If my memory serves me correctly, he should be waking up any minute now… and it's a very good thing that we're about to serve him a royal feast. After all, he missed fifteen meals."

Usopp and Sanji both shot confused looks at me.

"Uh, Cross…?"

"You heard me right."

It wasn't long before we arrived back at the room, and true to my expectations, Luffy was wide awake and announcing the fact to anyone with eardrums. Chopper tore himself away from whatever his studies included to give Luffy a genuinely happy greeting, only to turn away as soon as Zoro came back in from his training, fussing over him removing his bandages too soon. Again. I had to wonder what I had done to change things so much that Zoro actually seemed afraid when Chopper started ranting at him, but with my luck, I was sure I'd find out the hard way.

Everyone found themselves distracted, however, when Igaram's wife Terracotta came in with a food cart. I would have been laughing at my crewmates' reactions, I really would have… but it was just too freaking surreal to see in person. People and dogs, I could accept. Heck, even the wife/husband thing was fine at times, sure, but this!? No offense to either of them, but this was just unnatural; Igaram taking a shot of Ivankov's hormones couldn't produce a more identical woman, and vice versa!

Soundbite seemed less affected, but he wasn't making any noise; he seemed caught halfway between the urge to laugh and recoil, with the end result that he just stared with a slightly open mouth. I did manage to tear my gaze away in time to see Luffy devour the entirety of the food cart in less than a second… which I still couldn't wrap my mind around. Terracotta took Luffy's pledge to eat three days' worth of food as a challenge before bustling off to the kitchen. A few seconds passed before Soundbite spoke up.

"YOU KNOW, seeing things like that makes me wish my POWERS focused more on sight than sound. THAT WAY, I COULD see HOW THE HECK LUFFY does that," he monotoned.

"I've sort of wished the same thing a few times now. Unfortunately, the only sight-based Devil Fruit I know of is in the hands of someone who desperately needs it and isn't likely to die anytime within the next few decades," I replied before cupping my chin in thought. "Hmm… though I do know of another Devil Fruit that could help, and we'll find that user relatively soon…" I contemplated it for a second longer before shaking my head firmly. "No, no, that way lies bloodthirsty thoughts. Though it wouldn't be too hard to coerce him into a demonstration." I cast an uneasy look up at Luffy. "Still wouldn't answer one question, though."

"What?"

I looked pointedly at the empty space next to Luffy's bed. "The food I can understand, but how the hell does he pass the metal?"

CRASH!

All eyes turned to Chopper, who was looking between Luffy and myself with a hungry expression, his equipment having fallen from his hooves.

I stared at him nervously for a moment before glancing at the table he'd been working on, eyeing the empty coffee mug. "Chopper, how long have you been awake, how much coffee have you had, have you been dosing it with any 'study aids' you happened to develop over the years, and if so, do they happen to have any side effects?"

"Twenty-six hours, fifteen cups, yes, maybe?" Chopper's smile twitched slightly as he swayed on his hooves. "Doctorine never let me take anything I made twice, so I never got the chance to look into them."

I could feel the sweatdrop hanging off my skull. "Um… scary though she is, I've never seen a better doctor; don't you think there might have been a reason for her to do that?"

"Weeeeell…" Chopper slowly tilted his head to the side contemplatively. "My research notes and experiment logs always did seem to double or triple in length after the first test, and a lot of the things that were in there were totally untested and most likely highly dangerous, but I don't see how—" Chopper's body seemed to sag under its own weight as realization swept over him. "I've been research-binging in a somnabulescent state, haven't I?"

"Uhh…?" most of the crew's heads tilted in confusion.

"He's been halfway sleep-walking while doing science experiments," Vivi groaned in response.

"That… doesn't sound so bad?" Nami posed hesitantly.

"Oh, so you're volunteering to be his 'research assistant' when he tries to do Doctor Frankenstein proud?" I snarked.

Nami's eyes shot wide in shock before she plastered a calm, if shaky, grin on her face. "Let's not mention this again, shall we?"

"Fine by—aaaaaah—me…" Chopper yawned suddenly. "I think I'm already crashing… I'm gonna go get a nap before dinner. G'night…" And with that, he started shuffling his way towards one of the room's beds.

"What the heck are you even working on, anyway?" Usopp asked curiously.

Like every other time we'd asked him, Chopper waved him off with a grumble. "Theories and hypotheses and stuff, that's it. I'll tell you when I've got something concrete…" And with that, the Zoan-user flopped face-first into a pillow. Seconds later, he was snoring away.

"Before you ask," I spoke up before anyone could say anything as I flipped Chopper over, getting his nose out of the pillow. "No, this is not normal, and no, I don't have any idea what the heck is going on. The only common factor in all this is me."

"So, basically, it's your fault?" Luffy asked, ignoring the dual slaps to the back of his head that Nami and Zoro delivered. "And anyways, what's wrong with how Chopper is? I think that having a mad scientist doctor reindeer would be really cool!"

"You think that having someone as crazy as Kureha—who, might I remind you, chased you around Drum Castle throwing a royal armory of weapons at you—on the Merry, living with you and treating you every time you got out of a big fight, would be cool?" Vivi incredulously demanded. She paused as she processed what she'd said before slapping her hand to her face with a groan. "I think I just answered my own question."

A mixture of groans and laughter filled the room before Luffy got back to the matter at hand.

"Well, whatever. Now it's time for the banquet! FOOOOOOOD!"

Exactly one second later, Luffy was gone, the doors were almost thrown off their hinges, and I swear I saw an afterimage sitting on the bed in his place. I blinked before shaking my head. "Does that idiot even realize that Terracotta still needs time to actually cook that much food?"

Sanji's audible sigh was all the answer I needed.

"I'll try to cut down on the damage he does," Vivi said tiredly, to which both Nami and Sanji volunteered to help. After a second, Usopp agreed as well, fishing around for some of his Tabasco Stars in his bag. Zoro, unsurprisingly, decided to stay where he was, supposedly meditating… right next to where Chopper was sleeping. I smirked and turned to walk away, but was stopped by Soundbite clearing his throat.

"Oh, right, almost forgot." I turned to Vivi. "Which way is it to the dungeons from here?"

Vivi allowed herself to smirk as sadistically as was possible for someone like her. "Time for Soundbite's conjugal visit already?"

"EEYUP!" Soundbite hooted eagerly in agreement.

The princess pointed down one of the halls. "That way, down the stairs, take a left. There should be some guards you can ask to escort you from there."

"Thank you!" I waved at her over my shoulder as I went on my way.

Overall, the journey took a few minutes, for which I wasn't entirely ungrateful. For such an isolated and arid location, Alubarna Royal Palace had genuinely exquisite architecture. If this really was the original palace that stood here 800 years ago at the onset of the World Government's power—and the Poneglyph denoted that it most likely was—then the degree of technology available at the time must have been significantly higher. Granted, Machu Picchu was also more elaborate than its location initially belied, but this was on a whole other level.

Even the palace dungeons were surprisingly elaborate: smooth, featureless corridors of sandstone laid out in a relatively grid-like manner. If it weren't for the guard guiding me, there isn't a doubt in my mind that I would have wound up hopelessly lost. A simple, if doubtlessly elegant means of containing all but the most powerful and redoubtable of prisoners.

Currently, the dungeons were filled, if not completely to capacity then at least damn close. The reason for this was that after Tashigi had managed to pull her men together and gain some form of control over the situation, she'd dedicated every soldier she could spare to covering every possible base she could think of in the name of making sure that there wasn't even so much as a shadow of a chance that Crocodile could escape or be freed from captivity. As such, there hadn't been any available troops to transport the rest of the agents with them, forcing the Alabastan government to take custody of Baroque Works' rank and file in their stead.

Most of the cells held average thugs that all bore the emblem of Baroque Works somewhere on their person. I noticed a handful of them with bandages or just-healed scars over the tattoos or where they presumably would have been, and flashed back to when Arlong had betrayed Nami. I couldn't help but chuckle; Crocodile had let down everyone that worked for him, and I don't think I'd ever understand exactly why Mr. 1 stayed loyal.

I broke out of my thoughts as we came to a cell with a wooden door, no doubt smaller than the others. Sliding open the eye slot, I looked in and confirmed that the heavily bandaged Mr. 13 and Miss Friday were within, firmly chained to the back wall. The pair leered as they saw me… or I think they did, anyways, they apparently got bitey whenever anyone tried to touch their eyewear.

"Hey, guys! How's it hanging?" I asked innocently.

The two twitched and growled furiously as they glared daggers at me, their respective paws and talons stretching as they tried to reach for the floor, which they were suspended several feet above.

"Not good, huh?" I analyzed with faux-concern. "Well, I'm sorry to hear that, I really am… but hey! Look on the bright side!" I turned slightly and showed Soundbite to the two, who was now grinning like an absolute maniac. "You've got a visitor."

"Hello, my darlings," Soundbite crooned sadistically.

And just like that, the Unluckies' attitudes pulled a complete 180, going from fierce and cocky to flat-out terrified. The pair were shaking in their chains, shaking their heads at me in desperation. Desperation I pointedly ignored.

"Well!" I grinned as I picked up Soundbite and plopped him on the small shelf just below the eye slot. "I'll just let you guys get reacquainted, pick up where you left off. Have fun!"

"I WILL!" Soundbite cackled with a lick of his lips.

Their screams of terror rang out just as the eye slot's slide clicked shut. As I turned my back to the door and leaned against it, I noticed that the guard that had guided me was looking at me in confusion. "What?" I questioned. I then got a good look at the guy's face. "Oh, you haven't had escort duty yet. Sorry, those uniforms make identifying you a bit of a chore."

"That's the point," the guard shrugged before looking at the cell door curiously. "So… what exactly is your snail doing in there, anyways?"

"Weeeell…" I rolled my head slightly. "See, the thing is, the animals in this cell? They came after Soundbite and I personally during the Revolution. Caused a fair bit of trouble for us, too. And Soundbite, well… he's a bit of a vindictive shit. And to be honest? Considering how these two have been thorns in our hides for a while now? I really don't mind being classified as such too. Hence, Soundbite is… paying them back with interest for their crimes, if you will. Primarily by making them seriously regret ever living."

"Well, yes, I gathered," the guard shrugged. "But what is he doing, specifically? I heard that his power was making noise and that seems about right, so how could he do anything to them from almost five feet away?"

I turned, giving the guard a haunted look. "You don't want to know," I said hollowly. "If I told you what he was doing in there… you'd never sleep soundly again."

The guard crossed his arms and gave me a flat look. "I fought in the Rebellion, Mister Cross, I think I can handle myself."

I studied the guy for a moment longer before hanging my head with a despondent sigh. "On your head be it. He's…" I shuddered heavily. "He's reciting Vogon poetry."

The flatness of the guard's look intensified. "He's torturing them with… poetry?"

"Nononono!" I promptly stuck my finger up in denial. "Vogon. He's torturing them with Vogon poetry, there is a marked difference."

"What kind of difference could there possibly be? And what the heck is a Vogon, anyway?"

"An alien. Oh, believe me, I'm quite serious," I went on as the guard stared at me in disbelief. "Extraterrestrial life, and a horrible example of it too. Ugly, vile, bureaucratic to hell and back, and most importantly? They write some of the worst. Poetry. In the universe. The third worst, to be specific."

The guard blinked in confusion. "I… huh? If you're using poetry and that's really the third worst, then why not go for the first instead?"

"Because the first worst was destroyed, nobody knows what it was anymore and the universe is grateful for it. Meanwhile, the second worst poetry in the universe comes from a species known as the Azgoths of Kria, and the recitation of one of their poems, 'Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning', killed four members of the attending audience via internal hemorrhaging, and a fifth only survived by gnawing one of his own legs off."

"…eh?" the guard finally managed to get out.

"Eeyup," I nodded solemnly. "You see, Vogons have developed their poetry to the point where it is an instrument of torture. It's right there on the borderline: horrible, terrible enough to cause nigh mortal agony within any and all unlucky enough to hear its excruciating lyrics, and yet… just shy of being actively lethal enough to grant them the sweet, sweet release of death." I grinned viciously at the guard. "Still think we're not doing much to them?"

The guard's mouth flapped uselessly for a moment until he managed to get his jaw under control. "You are a very scary man, aren't you?"

I took a moment to mentally fistpump before singsonging "Pi~ra~te." I then took notice of the time and rapped my fist against the wood of the door. "Okay, Soundbite, I think they've had enough. Wrap it up!"

A minute later, there was a knock against the eye slot, signalling me to slide it open. On the other side, Soundbite was smiling proudly, if somewhat queasily.

The Unluckies were back in a position I'd become very familiar with in the past few days: shaking and shuddering against their binds as they were caught up in the throes of a full-blown seizure, heads tilted back as far as they could go and foam bubbling furiously out of their mouths.

"Well, I'm glad you all had fun!" I saluted them as I slid Soundbite back onto my shoulder. "I'd love to do this again sometime, truly I would, but I'm afraid that our time in this kingdom is limited. Still, be sure to look us up if you're ever in the neighborhood! Or burn in hell, but hey, either or. Say hi to Magellan for me, bye!" And with that, I slid the slide shut before gesturing at the guard. "After you."

And with that we resumed the trek back out of the dungeons, going back past the all of the prisoners. It was a relatively calm trek—

"BARK BARK BARK! RRRR! BAR-KAI!"

Until a flurry of canine screaming echoed from somewhere else in the prison.

I whipped my head in the general direction of the din, taking a brief moment to realize what the only possible source was before looking back at the guard. "Take me to wherever that is, quick!"

The guard jerked in shock. "Wha—!? No way, that's against every protocol in the—!"

I grabbed his collar and jabbed my finger in the noise's general direction. "That's a bazooka made sentient via a Zoan Devil Fruit with enough firepower to blow us all to kingdom come, especially in this tight a confine! I've already put my life on the line once for this kingdom, now stop wasting time and take me there already!"

The guard debated with himself for a moment before nodding firmly and starting down a corridor, gesturing for me to follow him.

We made swift progress through the halls, ignoring the renewed jeers and catcalls being tossed out by the prisoners. At the same time, the barking grew even more frantic and nearer still.

Eventually, we rounded a corner and managed to catch sight of what all the commotion was: just as I'd thought, there was Lassoo, relatively hale and healthy if not for the burns and scratches he was covered in, snarling and snapping at the trio of guards that had penned him into a corner with their spears, while a fourth stood by with what looked to be a pair of Sea Prism Stone handcuffs. Thankfully, instead of his techno-organic hybrid form, the weapon was fully flesh and bone; granted, he was the size of a freaking mastiff and could easily have made a chew toy out of me, but that was better than getting blasted somewhere where the blast would be funneled and concentrated.

Lassoo growled and took a bite at one of the guards that got too close—

"WATCH IT!"

"YIPE!"

Before retreating with a pained whimper as one of the guards nicked him with his spear.

"Damn mutt…" the cuff-holding guard growled darkly.

"Hey!" I caught the man's attention as I ran up to them, keeping a wary eye on Lassoo as I went. "What's going on here? How come he isn't in a cell?"

The guard shook his head with a scowl. "The damn thing changed back into a gun shortly before we took him and his owners into custody. He's been in our evidence locker for the past three days. We were just transporting him outside to a squad the Marines sent to pick him up when he suddenly changed back and tried to rip my head off!"

"Personally, I say we just stick the mongrel and be done with it," one of the gruffer guards grunted, jabbing his spear forwards menacingly. "Damn thing tried to help kill us all, it's only right we return the favor!"

Lassoo's demeanor shifted visibly at that statement, his shoulders hunching up and a keening noise coming from his muzzle as he tried to retreat and press himself into the corner.

Oh, hell, no. As a previous dog owner before my family's housing situation dictated otherwise, that was not alright. "HEY!" I barked, harshly slapping the guard's shoulder. "Enough! The rebellion is over and done with! They are going to prison, if not Impel Down itself, there is no reason to re-escalate! Now stand the hell down!"

"But—!"

"You can stand down on your own or I can get Vivi down here to put you in a cell with them," I snarled, jabbing my thumb at Soundbite. "Hell, I'll even start a betting pool on how many seconds you last. Five to one odds on half a minute, any takers?"

The guards glanced nervously at each other before complying, backing up a few feet from the Zoan but not raising their spears. That was fair, Lassoo was still damn big. The one holding the handcuffs proffered them to me. "Here, you'll want these."

I glanced down at the handcuffs with a cocked eyebrow before smiling and taking them. "Yeah, you're right, I do! Do you happen to have the keys too?" He handed them over and I promptly slid them both into my belt. "Perfect! Now, if you'd be so kind as to run up to the kitchens and bring a steak down here?"

The guard promptly reeled in shock. "Buh—wah?!"

My gaze flattened as I pointed a finger at Lassoo. "I don't know the exact details on how object-Zoans work, but the fact is that he hasn't eaten anything in three days. So, as I said: steak, T-bone, large, doesn't matter how it's cooked. Hell, you could run a cow down here and I'd still be happy." I waited for a moment before shooting a scowl at the man. "Today, soldier!"

"Y-yes sir!" the soldier yelped, hastily scrambling off down the corridor.

I waited until the man was out of sight before turning my attention back to Lassoo. The dog-gun was eyeing me cautiously as he stayed huddled in the corner, but his hackles hadn't dropped even a bit.

I held my hand out calmingly as I took tentative steps towards the mega-sized dachshund, calling to mind all of the experience I had gained from dealing with my pet mutt (literal mutt, no idea what his breed was) Tony. I just had to stay calm—

"RRRR!" Lassoo growled, taking a vicious snap at me that caused me to jerk back slightly.

Alright, granted, I'd known Tony since he was a puppy, he didn't outweigh me thrice over and he most certainly didn't harbor a grudge on account of how two of my crewmates had kicked his ass, but at least I had a home field advantage.

"Little help here?" I muttered to Soundbite. The snail shook his head, still queasy from his torture session; honestly, the backlash Vogon poetry had on his throat was as much the reason for his silence the past few days as his sulking. We both agreed it was totally worth it, though… right up until it made my job at calming the vicious assassin-dog before me ten times harder. Damn it…

I took a calming breath as I readied myself. Alright, let's try this again. "Hey, hey now, no need for that…" I said softly as I held my hand out towards him, slowly inching forwards. I paused as Lassoo snarled anew, but I didn't retreat again. "I realized you're pissed, you've got every reason to be and I'm sorry for that, but it's alright now, it's alright. The war's over, you don't need to fight anymore, alright?" Lassoo made a minor lunge forwards and it was only my steeled nerves that kept me from flinching.

"It's alright, it's alright…" I repeated calmly, slowly reaching over him. "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm just…" I trailed off as I slowly lowered my hand towards Lassoo's head, truly grateful for the fact that I'd decided to leave my armor back in the crew's room.

Lassoo shrunk away from my touch initially, but after a moment he slowly raised his head up and met my fingers. I started slowly scratching his scalp, staying on top of his head at first. Only when he relaxed ever so slightly did I move my hand to the side, getting him just behind his ear. After a few seconds, Lassoo relaxed even further, leaning into my hand with a satisfied chuff.

"Theeeere we go," I crooned as I slowly knelt down and brought my other hand up, starting to scratch beneath his chin. From there, I slowly moved along down along his neck to his back. Once I started moving down to his side, he dropped to the floor and rolled over, giving me easy access to his stomach. "Yeeeeaaaaah, you're a good boy, aren't you? Whosa good boy? Whosa good boy? You are, yes, you are!"

"Dog owners," Soundbite wheezed with a snicker.

"Kiss my ass~" I singsonged in the same babyish tone of voice.

"Uh, 'scuse me?"

I fought to keep from flinching as Lassoo tensed up beneath me, a growl rumbling out of his chest. Damn it, of all the times for the bastard to get back, now was the moment he chose!?

I glanced back at the newly returned guard and eyed the steak-platter he was holding before giving him a flat stare as a thought came to me. "If I have Soundbite take a bite of that thing, is he gonna keel over?" I asked him in a deadpan tone.

The guard's demeanor instantly stiffened, and I redoubled my cold glare.

Silence reigned for a moment before the guard smiled nervously and jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "So, I'm, ah… just gonna go get a new one?"

"Yeah, I'd suggest you do that fast," I concurred icily before stabbing my finger down at Lassoo. "Before I let him eat you instead."

A menacing canine growl promptly sent the guard scrambling down the corridor as fast as his feet could carry him.

"And make sure Sanji doesn't catch you throwing that thing away, otherwise he will grill you up!" I called after him before going back to my ministrations on Lassoo. "He was a big fat dumbass, wasn't he? Wasn't he? Not like you, you're a good boy! Yes, you are, yes, you are!"

Lassoo chuffed and wiggled happily beneath me, his tail thumping against the stone.

It was all going quite well, when suddenly, without any warning—

"Laaaaaaa-ssoooooooo~"

A very deep, very familiar and ridiculously sluggish voice echoed throughout the hall. The dachshund's ears perked up, and before I or any of the guards could react he quickly flipped to his paws and darted past me, hip-checking a guard out of the way as he gallopped around a nearby corner. With no small amount of trepidation I gave chase, the guards hot on my heels.

Thankfully, depending on how you looked at things, Lassoo hadn't gone far. He'd stopped a few feet in front of us, balancing on his hind legs as he begged against the bars of a cell. A cell that held—!

I snapped my hand out and grabbed the collar of the nearest guard I could reach, dragging him close so that I could shove my face in his. "Not only did you keep both members of an assassin team in the same cell, but you took their Zoan weapon through a corridor that was only a few feet away from them!?" I demanded incredulously.

"T-the dog was still a gun, so we thought—!" the guard hedged uncomfortably.

"The gun is part dog! No wonder he suddenly changed, he smelled these two! Good God, where did Cobra hire you people, the Baroque Works reject line?!" I started to shake the hapless—and in my opinion, almost definitely witless—guard. "I mean, my God, man, this is basic guard shit! Separate the damn prisoners!"

I took another look in the cell and promptly tensed at something else I realized. "And put the bigger one in Sea Prism Stone!" I shoved the handcuffs in my belt at him. Damn it, there went my anti-Devil Fruit contingency, but desperate times! "He can swing a four-ton bat like it's four pounds, I do not trust regular old iron to hold him! What is wrong with you morons!?"

"Hahahaha! Well, this ain't exactly Impel Down they got goin' here, brat!" Miss Merry Christmas barked, shaking back and forth in the Sea Prism Stone chains that she was wrapped up in. At least the Marines had done something right.

"And I wouldn't worry your head off if I were you; while Mr. 4's got the strength to get outta here, he sure ain't got the brains, that's for sure! Speaking of which…" Christmas started shifting back and forth in her chains for a moment, dropping her smirk into a scowl and turning to bark at the goliath next to her. "Hey, moron! My back's killing me here! Gimme a massage! Now, moron, now now!"

Mr. 4 sloooowly looked down at her before nodding with just as much speed. "Ooooo-kaaaay," he droned. With a single jerk, the large man broke his cuffs like wet cardboard and reached towards his partner.

I promptly stuck my arm out, stopping one of the guards from going towards the cell. "Don't. 4's too moronic to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Interrupt him and we'll be dealing with a real-life Goliath. With any luck, he won't have the presence of mind to stop you from cuffing him once he's done."

I cast a glance at Lassoo, who hadn't moved from his position against the bars. Still full beast point, thankfully. With any luck he'd stay that way too. Otherwise… I didn't want to think about it.

"Oh, quit your bellyaching, you stupid little brat!" Merry Christmas barked from where she was lying facedown… inasmuch as her chains would allow. "If we were gonna have Lassoo blast us out of here, he'd already be in his hybrid form by now! And besides, we wouldn't have him shoot in here! That'd just be stupid, it'd kill even us!"

"You're saying that you're above using suicide attacks?" I asked in disbelief.

"Certainly not for Crocodile, that's for sure!" the mole-woman snorted. "Before he tried blowing us straight to hell with that bomb of his?" She shrugged slightly. "Maybe, the pay was admittedly damn good. But after we saw how big that blast was, and he didn't warn us? No chance in hell! That sad excuse for a Warlord deserves every second he gets in Impel Down!"

"Yeah, no kidding," I muttered to myself before raising my voice. "So, here's another question for you: if you could have had Mr. 4 break out at any time these past two days, why haven't you already gotten out of here?"

"Well, you see, brat—!" CRACK! "YEOW! MORE TO THE LEFT, MORON! NO, MY GODDAMN LEFT, NOT YOUR LEFT, MINE!" CRICK! "Ah, that's better. Anyways, the reason why is that your long-nosed friend and your furry friend blew us straight to hell and back. We might have given them a few hard knocks, but we got pretty damn fucked up ourselves! If we tried to break out, especially with me wearing these—" she shook her arms and showed off her cuffs, "then we'd be turned into sieves in seconds. Rule number one of being a professional mercenary-assassin, brat: knowing when to fold them!"

"IIIIII thooooought thaaaat waaaaas fiiiiiif—?"

"That's what I said then, and this is what I'm saying now, moron! The rules are changing all the time! Try and keep up, you moron, keep up!"

"Do you seriously expect him to?" I asked curiously.

"No, but it helps cool down my raging migraines…" Merry Christmas growled in aggravation. She was silent for a moment before glancing up at me, a curious glint in her cracked sunglasses. "So, tell me brat. What was that all about?" She scowled at my confused look. "Lassoo, ya dumb brat, Lassoo! Why'd you stick up for him like that? Not that I ain't grateful, the dumb mutt's grown on me, kind of like a fungus, but still! Like you said, he helped try and burn this country to the ground! So, why'd you help him, huh?"

I blinked in surprise before shrugging casually. "Well… hell, why not? I had a dog too, once, back before I started on this crazy journey my crew's on, and, well…" I reached up and scratched Lassoo's ears, which earned me a pleased chuff. "I realize that it's not quite as simple as this, what with some animals being smarter than others—present company not withstanding, of course." I smirked as Soundbite chomped down on my shoulder. "But personally, I believe that there aren't really any actually bad animals. When domestication is involved, at least. Just… bad owners, you know?"

"Gotta catch 'em ALL?" Soundbite rasp-wheezed in my ear.

"Hey, if the shoe fits," I muttered back.

Miss Merry Christmas stared at me with an unreadable expression. Finally, she broke the look and sat up as Mr. 4 stood back, cracking her neck slightly. "Well, not that it hasn't been great talking with one of the idiot brats who ruined our chance at the payday of the century—!"

"Hey, you're the one who tried to claim that Luffy was dead without actually seeing a body," I promptly shot back. "So, who, pray tell, is the idiot here?"

Christmas's expression dropped into her trademark scowl. "Alright, brat, just get the hell out of—!"

"Waaaaiiiiiit."

Both Christmas and I looked in surprise at Mr. 4, who had an uncharacteristically serious look on his face…or at least, his face was forming into what looked like an uncharacteristically serious look. His baby face made it a bit hard to tell.

"Huh!?" Christmas barked, voicing what we were all thinking. "Wait?! Why do you want him to wait, moron!? What's there to wait for, we're all done here! Do you need us to repeat it all for you, moron, because I won't do it again, you hear me!? I won't—!"

"Yoooouuuu liiiiiike hiiiiiim?" Mr. 4 droned out, interrupting Christmas as he looked at Lassoo and pointed at me. The dog-gun blinked and tilted his head in confusion as he looked back at me before barking eagerly and nodding as his tail wagged some. Mr. 4 slowly tilted his head to the side as he seemed to ponder something. Seriously, slow he might have been, but that made for a helluva poker face. Fortunately for all of us, it didn't take long before he looked back up at me.

"Yooouuu taaaaake caaaaare ooooof Laaaaassoooooo."

Silence… then—

"WHAT!?"

"YI—HUH!?" Lassoo blinked as his yelp morphed into legible words. "What the—?"

"I'm back and better than ever!" Soundbite whooped with a blare of victorious fanfare.

"More like worse," I shot at him with a glare. "Goofy? Seriously?"

"NYEH!"

"ARE YOU COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND, YOU MORON!?" Merry Christmas suddenly howled at the top of her lungs, jerking at 4 as though to rip his head off. "I MEAN, SERIOUSLY!? I REALIZE THAT THAT WAS THE PLAN THE WHOLE TIME, BUT I THOUGHT WE'D GIVE HIM TO SOMEBODY WHO WAS ACTUALLY HALFWAY DECENT! THIS STUPID BRAT HELPED STOP US AND SAVE THIS STUPID KINGDOM, STUPID!"

"Eeeeexaaaaactlyyyyy," Mr. 4 said, folding his arms and nodding.

Christmas froze as she silently gaped at 4 before slamming her jaws shut with a growl. "Sometimes, I really wonder just how moronic you actually are…" she ground out furiously, a vein pulsing on her forehead.

The corners of 4's lips slowly tilted upwards.

"Uh, 'scuse me?!" I piped up, waving my arms frantically. "Seriously confused pirate here, wanting to know what the hell is going on! What do you mean, I take care of Lassoo!? He's your gun-dog!"

"Dog-gun," Christmas corrected with a huff. "You know, like mole-woman or rubber-man? It's how it's done. And anyways, not anymore. The big moron's spoken and apparently I don't have any ground to stand on anymore. I'd hoped to get a good price out of this, but I guess this is just how the cookie crumbles."

"H-huh!?" Lassoo yelped, looking between his owners with mixed confusion and horror. "Y-you were gonna sell me? But why!? I-I was a good dog, I listened to you, I—!?"

"That's exactly why we're shoving you off, you dumb mutt!" Christmas spat. "You've been a good weapon for the past few years, real reliable, but where we're going, you can't come! And whether you like it or not, we like you too much to put you through it!"

"Huh?" Lassoo blinked. "What're ya—?"

"Laaaaassoooooo," 4 interrupted slowly. "Weeeeee'reeeee reeeeetiiiiiriiiiing."

"HUH!?" Lassoo barked.

"Retiring, mutt!" Christmas reiterated in exasperation. "Getting out of the game, hanging up the knives, tossing in the towel, any other euphemisms you can think for it, it applies! Once we break out of here—and we will break out sooner or later, you can count on it—4 and I are getting the hell out of the mercenary business, once and for all! We're getting too old, just too damn old. We wanted to buff the nest-egg we have stashed across a few islands with one final payday, but that plan was blown to hell!" She sent an especially acrid glare my way.

I met it head-on with a snort. "Screw you, mole-woman, if our crew hadn't stopped Crocodile, you two would have lost a goodly chunk of your body weight the hard way. Though let's be honest." I grinned nastily. "That would have been an improvement in your case, huh?"

I swear I saw a red aura around her for a second before she forced herself to look back at Lassoo, though her tone was noticeably more irritated. "Anyways, like I told the brat earlier, you're a gun that's part dog, not the other way around; if you were a dachshund that'd eaten a weapon-based Fruit—!"

"Donquixote famiglia member's got that one, no chance of that happening in this lifetime," I piped up helpfully.

"But the fact is that you're not," Christmas finished with a snort, pointedly ignoring me. "You're a weapon, Lassoo, one of the strongest guns to come out of the 'Wild' West Blue in decades, and that's saying something. You might have a mind and will of your own, Lassoo, but our base natures never stop affecting us; you're a weapon, Lassoo, always have been, always will be. You can stop it for a moment, you can pause it, but that bloodlust you feel, that rush whenever you're blasting enemies? That's never going away. You were made for the battlefield, and you couldn't leave it or make it leave you if you tried. You're better off going with someone that can help you make the most of both parts of you. Someone who's actually going to use you…" She trailed off for a moment before sighing uncomfortably. "Someone who's not us. Sorry, mutt. Wish it were later than sooner and I wish it were more comfortable, but this is the end of the line for us. Got it?"

The guards looked as shocked as I felt at the whole thing. Heck, even Soundbite seemed surprised.

Merry Christmas stayed morose for a second longer before snapping her head up and glaring at me. "So! You're taking care of Lassoo now whether I like it or not. That means you feed him, pet him, clean him, maintain him, the works. I stowed his instruction manual in a compartment on him because 4 couldn't hold onto it if he tried and there was no way in hell I was going to lug it around if I could help it. It has his specs and maintenance directions and everything. Follow it to the letter. And learn how to use him; if there's one thing more dangerous than a loaded weapon, it's a dumb brat like you having a loaded weapon and not knowing how to use it. Other than that, uh…"

"Taaaaaaake caaaaare oooooof Laaaassoooooo…" Mr. 4 droned slowly.

SLAM!

"GRGHK!" I choked out, scrabbling at the pneumatic freaking clamp that had closed around my throat. Fucking hell, did this jackass know Shave or something because I swear that wasn't movement that was fucking teleportation and the bars were bending like butter beneath his other hand ohfuckfuckfuck!

"Or else," the goliath growled murderously.

The grip on my windpipe lessened just enough for me to both suck down some air to speak with and get an idea. "Okay okay okay," I blurted out hastily. "I'll take Lassoo, I'll take good care of him, I swear, but you have to do one thing first, one thing!"

"What, what the hell is it!?" Christmas barked impatiently.

I reached behind me and fumbled around blindly for a second before grinning and yanking the seastone cuffs out of one of the guard's hands and holding them up for 4 to see. "Put. These. On."

4 blinked slowly as he stared at the cuffs before thankfully letting me go, allowing me to gasp in relief, before proffering his wrists through the bars. "Ooooookaaaaay."

"Damn cheeky brat…" Miss Merry Christmas spat acridly.

Lassoo looked on for a few moments before turning literal puppydog eyes on the guards. "Can ya open the door so I can say g'bye?" he whined.

I gave him a deadpan look as I clicked the cuffs around 4's wrists, doing my best not to flinch when he pulled them back through the bars with little to no resistance. "I realize that these dumbasses radiate stupidity—"

"HEY!"

"No seastone whatsoever on the Zoan weapon or the quarter-Giant, plus, to reiterate, putting them together, and you seriously think you have room to object!?" I demanded incredulously. I took solace in their chastised expressions before looking back at Lassoo. "Anyways, literally dogged loyalty is all well and good, but opening their cell for even a moment? Yeah, hell to the no." I met the puppydog eyes head-on with all the unmoving frigidity of a glacier. "Soundbite already played that card, chewed it up and spit it out. That door's not opening."

I really had to fight from flinching when he flipped to baring his teeth and snarling viciously. His musculature started to shift beneath his fur—

"Lassoo."

When he suddenly flinched on account of a harsh voice lashing out at him. He slowly turned his eyes towards the cell, where 4 was glaring coldly at him.

The glare held up for a moment longer before he softened into a smile. "Beeee goooood, Laaaassoooooo. Allllriiiiight?"

Lassoo whimpered as he hung his head before slowly nodding in agreement. "O-okay…" He looked up sadly and waved his paw. "G'bye, Master. It was fun."

Mr. 4 nodded slowly as he waved one of his hands. "Byyyeee-byyyeee, Laaaassoooooo."

Miss Merry Christmas pursed her lips sourly for a moment before hanging her head with a sigh herself. "Goodbye, Lassoo."

Lassoo stared at them for a moment longer before looking up at me, fear and trepidation obvious beneath the neutral expression he was trying to put on.

I smiled kindly as I knelt down and held my hand out to him. "Before it starts, let's get one thing straight: none of that 'master' business. My friends call me Cross. Welcome to the Straw Hat Pirates, Lassoo. I'm glad to have you, and there isn't a doubt in my mind that the others will be too. Though," I smirked as I jerked my thumb at Soundbite. "Fair warning, he'll prolly blast you with a dog whistle once or twice."

"I'm an insufferable JACKASS!" Soundbite proclaimed, sounding way too proud of that statement.

Lassoo stared at my hand hesitantly for a moment longer… before lolling his tongue out and grinning as he gave me his paw. "Call me Lassoo, and same here."

I nodded and smiled as I stood up and clapped my hands. "Well! Come on, then, let's go and get some dinner!"

As we followed the guards out of the dungeon, we were met with a guard… carrying a steak platter.

"Uh, s-should I just put this down here or—?

"Don't know, don't care, just don't let it go to waste or our cook's liable to kill ya," I drawled as I walked around the frozen guard.

"Hey, now," a sultry voice drawled from a nearby cell. "If none of you are going to have that food, maybe I could have a bite?"

"Fuck off, acupuncture bitch," I shot back without a glance.

"Worth a shot," Miss Doublefinger shrugged indifferently.

No further interruptions surfaced as I made my way back up into the palace with our new companion. A few more minutes, and I met the majority of the crew outside the dining room. I briefly considered how to succinctly and professionally explain the current turn of events… before plastering a grin on my face and raising my fingers into a salute.

"Hey, guys, guess what? I got a dog!"

Nobody knew what to think for the first few seconds, staring curiously at the oversized dachshund, up until Lassoo stated his name, to which Usopp reacted… pretty much exactly as you'd expect.

"THE MR. 4 TEAM'S BAZOOKA-DOG?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"

I pondered how to react before widening my grin into a shit-eating one. "Nope. Met 4 and Merry Christmas on the way back from meeting with the Unluckies—"

"SWEET, SWEET REVENGE, baby!" Soundbite crowed.

"And they didn't want their poor doggy to share their fate, and since I've got experience with dogs and am a decent guy in general, they said I could keep him, as long as I take good care of him. Actually, I think I'll need your mechanical expertise to help with that, Usopp; you're the best guy I know with gadgets, after all, and you could really show off by upgrading Lassoo."

Puffing up his ego seemed to work for a few seconds before he forced his frown back in place…though it was more worried than hostile. "Can we trust him? We're talking about a former Baroque Works agent here."

"Hey, my master and his friend were good to me, and I showed my loyalty for it!" Lassoo sniffed indignantly. "Cross was good to me too, so I'll be showing him and his friends loyalty. It's that easy."

Usopp scrutinized Lassoo suspiciously for a moment. "Alriiiight… in that case…" He crouched down and held his hand out. "Shake."

Lassoo stared at Usopp for a moment before bringing his paw up and placing it in the sniper's palm. "Happy?"

Usopp held the paw for a moment longer before standing up and turning around, his head bowed and his chin cupped contemplatively. "Well, it will take a while for us to trust you completely, but for the moment, I think that—!"

CHOMP!

Everything froze as Lassoo's jaws crunched down squarely on Usopp's ass, gnawing on as much flesh as he could get his fangs on. The silence lasted for all of one second before Soundbite began laughing his ass off. And, not entirely surprisingly, Luffy joined him.

"Cross?" Nami growled out as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Lassoo?" I asked with much the same tone and position.

"'Dish bastard mocked my species as soon as he saw me, slammed my old master into me with a hammer, and caused me to blow myself up!" Lassoo growled out viciously. "I may be loyal to you guys now, but I deserve this much for payback!"

I stared at him contemplatively for a moment before shrugging neutrally. "To be fair, Usopp, you did make him try and blow himself up."

"HE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME!" the sniper howled, trying to yank himself out of the dog-gun's jaws.

"And Vivi was trying to kill Laboon when we first met her, but you don't see me raising a big fuss over that, do you?"

"Mister Jeremiah."

I shivered slightly at the Princess' frigid tone before spreading my arms helplessly. "Come on, Vivi, they offered out of the blue and you don't leave any options on the table when they're available. Plus, he was originally a gun. Guns don't kill people, people kill people!"

"He has a will of his own," Vivi retorted darkly.

"He's a dog, dogs are loyal to their owners! Come on, who do you blame for a dog being mean, huh? The dog or his owners?"

Vivi's expression remained cold for a few moments longer before she finally relented and slapped a palm to her face. "Just… don't let him back on Alabastan soil once he leaves it, alright?"

"I've got a better question!" Usopp snapped. "Why aren't you doing this to Chopper?! He also blew you up, and threw sand in your nose!"

"Right. So, experimental adrenaline serum 23B apparently causes hallucinations. Good to know, good to know."

All present turned to the doorway, where a drowsy-looking Chopper was scribbling something on a notepad, Zoro alongside him with a well-hidden look of concern on his face. Lassoo darted his eyes over to the other Zoan, but I held out a hand.

"Bite him if you have to, but wait until he's not the size of a stuffed animal, alright?"

The dachshund considered that before shrugging. "Fair enough, but don't make me wait too long."

"That depends entirely on him. On that note…" My gaze hardened again. "Let him go." I waited for a second before crossing my arms firmly. "Now, or Soundbite breaks out the whistle on my orders."

Lassoo promptly let go with a disappointed chuff. "Fiiiiine…"

Nami sent a half-pleading look at Luffy. "Captain?"

Luffy tilted his head slightly as he stared at Lassoo before looking at Usopp. "You said that he's a dog who can turn into a gun, right?"

Usopp nodded frantically, but before he could say anything I piped up. "Actually, he's a dog-gun rather than a gun-dog; he ate the Dachshund model of the Mutt-Mutt Fruit."

And just like that, Luffy had stars in his eyes. "You mean he's a gun that can turn into a dog!? Cool!"

Nami pinned me with a betrayed look, flinging her arms out in a gesture that just screamed 'WTF'. I put on a bemused expression and shrugged heavily. "Look, I'm playing this by ear, alright? After all, our crew is gonna—! …um…"

I trailed off uncomfortably as I glanced at Luffy. "Well, suffice to say that we'll make allies stranger and more hostile than this in the future, and… the pros outweighed the cons," I explained carefully, still looking at our captain before returning my attention to Nami. "In the end, there really aren't any downsides to all of this and, well…" I tilted my head slightly. "Do… you really have any grounds to stand on when talking about someone switching sides? No offense, but really now."

Nami's expression darkened, and she glanced over at Lassoo, sizing him up. In the end, she slouched forward with a hand pressed to her temple. "Fine, you're the expert on character here. But if I put one foot in dog-doo, he and you are going over."

"Don't worry, I know to hang it over the edge when I go," Lassoo reassured her. "It's a skill all dogs learn real fast on the seas. It's either that or get slated as emergency rations."

Nami looked like she could have done without that information, but nodded nonetheless. Sanji seemed to have no objections, though I could tell by the way he was puffing on his cigarette that he wasn't letting his guard down just yet. Usopp, despite the pain he was in, had yet to actually say anything, and Luffy…well, that went without saying. I looked back at the remaining crewmates in the doorway. Chopper still seemed to be slightly out of it, and Zoro…

I swear, if he didn't have Conqueror's Haki, then the glare he was pinning Lassoo with was close enough to fool anyone on this side of the Red Line who didn't know any better. And by the way Lassoo folded almost instantly and hunched in on himself, whimpering and cowering pathetically, if I had to guess I'd say that he either didn't know any better or he just didn't give a damn. After a few seconds, the swordsman nodded and looked at me, thankfully dropping the glare in the process.

"Maybe some heavy artillery will give you half a chance in sparring."

I opened my mouth to give an indignant retort, but closed it as I considered the statement. "…you're lying through your teeth, aren't you?"

Zoro smirked as he strode past me. "You guessed it. Now, come on, let's get something to eat, I'm hungry!"

"Alright! …wrong way."

"Gah, sonnuva—!"

"ENOUGH TALK!" Luffy abruptly whooped. "COME ON! LET'S EAT!"

"Wrong way, Captain. Also the wrong way. No, still the wrong way." Sighing, I pointed to the door out of the room. "That way."

"Aaaactually…" Vivi took hold of my wrist and turned my arm to the left.

I stood silent for a moment before giving her a flat look. "Your home is stupidly expansive."

"DON'T CHANGE the subject!" Soundbite chortled.

"Shishishi, you're an idiot, Cross!"

"LIKE YOU HAVE ANY ROOM TO SPEAK!?"

"Hweehweehweehwee!" Lassoo squeaked.

"… Okay, the Goofy voice I can take, but Muttley's laugh!?"

"HOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEEHAHAHA!"

"Good grief…" I groaned, slapping my hand to my face.

Honestly now, considering how my crew acted in a public setting, I could only imagine how dinner was going to turn out.

-o-

My eye twitched steadily as I watched a piece of meat disappear from my plate moments before the tines of my fork could actually touch it.

I really, really do not know what the hell I was expecting.

"Luuuffyyy…" I snarled out darkly. Moving fast, I snatched up my knife in a reverse grip and stabbed it into the wood where Luffy's hand was once, twice, three times in a row. All to no avail, on account of how I still barely missed stabbing the dead meat, both raw and cooked. Finally getting fed up, I glanced around and waved one of the nearby serving girl over. "Pardon me, miss," I hissed with forced politeness. "But have you ever heard of Ghost Peppers before?"

I grinned as the blood drained from the already nauseated woman's face. "Y-you mean the hottest, spiciest peppers this side of the Red Line?"

I nodded in confirmation. "That's the one! Could you kindly ask Terracotta to stuff a niiice big shank of meat with them, then bring it here?"

The serving girl opened her mouth to say something… then glanced over to where Vivi was laughing, reconsidered, and leaned in with a devious grin. "Actually, sir, if I might make a suggestion?"

I cocked an eyebrow in curious interest. "Oh?"

"While Ghost Peppers are infamous and indeed the spiciest peppers on this side of the Red Line, might I instead recommend the West Blue Ilusian Reaper? They're a crossbreed of Ghost Peppers and Habanero Peppers, and are fifty percent spicier than Ghost Peppers; I believe they're considered to be the hottest peppers in the world."

I whipped my hand to my mouth with a theatrical gasp of horror. "You're wicked!" I then grinned from ear to ear. "About a dozen or so should do the trick."

"Of course, sir," she curtsied before looking over at Lassoo. "And you?"

"Hm?" Lassoo looked up from the bowl of mashed potatoes he'd been burying his muzzle in, the meal dripping from lips.

"Never mind, then."

"Okay!" And with that, he reburied himself.

"Is anyone else in need of anything?"

"SALAD, salad!" Soundbite called from the empty bowl he'd worked his way into. "AND NO VINEGAR!"

"And don't put your fingers too close while serving it," I added helpfully.

"Also, can we get some smelling salts over here, please?" Sanji called out uncomfortably, lightly poking at Chopper's prone form. "I think our doctor is drowning in his soup."

"R-right away, sir!" the serving girl said, nodding hastily as she raced off to the kitchens.

Thankfully for my appetite, it didn't take the girl long, and soon enough she was back with several companions, carrying the requested platters.

Mine in particular was notably mouth-watering, and I'd have dug in myself if I weren't fully aware of the fact that doing so would mean death by oral immolation.

Soundbite was just as eager, snickering and cackling in his bowl. The second the salad was dumped in, the greens immediately started vanishing at blinding speed, accompanied by the sound of mechanical shredding.

I smirked as I fingered my fork, and as I did so I noticed Usopp grinning with just as much malice over his food. I waved and got his attention, pointing down at my food and then holding up 3 fingers. The sniper promptly replied with a snicker and a thumbs up.

I then held my fork up over my plate with an eager-ish grin. "Oh, boy, this is gonna be good!" I crowed as genuinely as I could manage.

As predicted, the meat almost instantly disappeared from my plate, and judging by Usopp's shit-eating grin and his own empty plate, I wasn't the only one who'd been robbed.

Thankfully, our comeuppance would be delivered in three, two, one…

"HOOOOOOOOT!"

Usopp and I cackled as the ambient temperature in the room suddenly spiked, accompanied closely by the whoosh of flames.

"Oh, yeah, chalk one up for strategy and deviousness!" I cackled, grinning eagerly as I reached out to stab a particularly juicy-looking leg of poultry.

My demeanor promptly flipped as the meat disappeared. Again. "Seriously!? Isn't your tongue burnt to hell and back!?"

"Mmyeah, eating hurths a lot!"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL DOING IT, DUMBASS!?" Nami demanded incredulously, cracking her fist over Luffy's skull.

My eye twitched furiously as food continued to disappear at a blinding rate. "Alright, that's it! Hey, Lassoo!"

The dachshund-hybrid popped his head up curiously.

"Care to demonstrate how good you are at following orders?" I jabbed my finger at Luffy. "Sic him, boy."

Lassoo grinned eagerly before leaping up onto the table and lunging at Luffy's hand the second he grabbed another piece of meat. The Zoan-user's grin widened by several fangs for a second before dying as he started to skid across the table.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I yelped, wrapping my arms around Lassoo's midsection.

In hindsight, I realize just what a stupid stupid stupid move it was, trying to get into a battle of strength with a person whose whole schtick was being stupid strong. But at that exact moment, I only realized it after I'd been dragged out of my seat and across the table, ruining my second favorite jacket and causing everyone else to start laughing.

I took a moment to let the world stop spinning before slowly righting myself and levelling a scathing glare at my captain. "Luuuuffyyyyy…" I growled out viciously. "You're not going to get this reference, but I'm about to turn you into freaking Greninja. And in the name of that," I jabbed my finger at him. "LASSOO, MAUL!"

"BARK BARK BARK!" Lassoo… barked, scrambling to his paws and leaping at Luffy. The two promptly fell into a nigh cartoonish ball of violence, dust cloud and all. Hell, I wouldn't have been surprised if a star or spiral or two had dropped out of the brawl in the process. Soundbite providing the necessary ambiance didn't hurt either.

"Mmmrgh…" I looked over my shoulder as Chopper blinked awake in his seat, rubbing his eyes blearily. "This is why I swore off all-nighters five years ago. And I thought that Doctorine getting mad at me for falling asleep in the middle of one of her surprise tests was bad enough…" He looked towards the source of the noise filling the room and promptly shook fully awake in terror, shifting into his Heavy Point defensively. "L-L-LASSOO!?"

The hound promptly paused his fight and looked over his shoulder. Seeing that Chopper was now of the appropriate size, his attentiveness towards Luffy abruptly ended in favor of baring his teeth at the human-reindeer with a growl.

"Don't worry, Chopper, the good news is that he's been placed firmly on our side," I reassured the doctor. "The bad news, on the other hand, well..." I grinned sheepishly. "He's… got something of a grudge against you. So… yeah, I'd suggest you run… like, now. And before you say anything!" I cut his attempted protest off with a raised finger. "In all fairness, you did blow him up."

"AFTER HE DID THE SAME TO ME! I WAS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING CLOUD OF HIS DAMN BASEBALL BOMBS!" Chopper retorted fearfully.

"Yeah, but you played on his prevalent condition to do it," I countered, shrugging. "Look, just let him get his literal pound of flesh and you'll both be even. Okay?"

"Uhh…" Chopper eyed Lassoo warily for a moment. Finally, however, his animal instincts took priority as he turned tail and ran away. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

"RUFF RUFF RUFF!" Lassoo bayed fiercely, promptly giving chase.

"I thought you were translating?" I queried back at Soundbite.

"THERE'S notURP!not always SOMETHING to TRANSLATE, YA KNOW!"

I shrugged in response, then looked back at Luffy, who was struggling to get up and, from the angry look in his eyes, chase after Lassoo. "GET BACK HERE!" Moments later, he proved me right as he leapt to his feet. But first…

"GRAA-GYERK!" Luffy gagged as he ran mouth-first into my outstretched hand.

He wasn't getting away without me making good on my vow.

Eurgh, really wish I'd had my armor for that bit, but hey, at least I'd managed to do it!

I cackled as Luffy staggered away, grasping and fumbling at the tangled muscle wrapped twice around his head and trailing behind him like a scarf, utterly obscuring his mouth. "Can I make the obvious tongue-tied joke, or would that be too cheesy?"

"If it had just been a simple knot, you'd probably be slapped at least once. But that? Make all the bad jokes you want, that was gold!" Usopp cackled as he nearly toppled out of his seat in his rolling laughter. "Plus, we can eat in peace now!"

Cobra cocked an eyebrow in amusement as he watched Lassoo chase Chopper around the table. "This is what you count as peaceful?"

"HA! Are you kidding?" I scoffed as I righted Luffy's chair and sat in it, absentmindedly grabbing something off the table. "Let me tell you something, your highest of highnesses!"

"Ah, Cross—!" Nami tried to grab my shoulder but I shrugged her off.

"Don't worry, don't worry, I won't be offensive," I promised her offhandedly as I waved my hand at Cobra. "Now, King Cobra—love the name, by the way—I've been on this crew for… what, three months? No, less than two, that's for sure. But anyways, the fact is, this?" I rolled my finger, indicating the sheer chaos around us. "It's messy, sure, and I sincerely apologize for that, but it's nowhere near our worst yet." I emphasized my point by taking a bite out of whatever it was I'd grabbed.

"No, Cross, don't—!"

"See," I mumbled out around the stuff I was chewing. Damn good taste, excellent texture too. "As it is, the overall sanity of the room supercedes the madness we're generating." I swallowed and grinned cheekily. "And—!"

Gurgrlrrroooowl...

I froze as my stomach suddenly started churning and groaning like a ship in a hurricane.

"I tried to warn you," Nami groaned, thumping her head against the table.

I slowly brought my hand up before my face, confirming my suspicions. Biscuit…

I turned my horrified gaze back to the confused ruler. "And…" I went on slowly. "I do believe that I just broke even. If you'll excuse me?"

GROOWOWWRRRGH!

"I-NEED-TO-USE-THE-BATHROO-OO-OOM!"

-o-

"Will you dumbasses stop laughing already!?" I demanded indignantly. "It's not funny!"

"Oh, I beg to differ!" Chaka chortled as he washed himself down. "Setting a land speed record for exiting the royal dining hall? That's extremely funny! I don't think the guards have ever laughed so hard in the entire time I've known them!"

"Go choke on a doggy bone!" I snarled at the guardian before sneering as a thought hit me. "Or better yet, choke on your bone. Doesn't your kind like licking itself down there?"

"HA!" Pell snorted as Chaka twitched furiously and shot a glare at his friend.

"Like you haven't preened yourself at least twice a day since we ate these damn things!?" he shot back, "even when you're not feathered!?" That killed Pell's laughter in a hurry.

"While we're flinging stones abai—ahem, mah-mah-MAH!" Igaram recited as he cleared his throat. "While we're flinging stones against Zoans, might I comment that I've noticed a net increase in cases of lice and fleas since your 'initial transformations'?"

Both Chaka and Pell sank into the waters of the baths with groans of embarrassment while Cobra roared with laughter.

Immediately after dinner and my, ergh, 'embarrassing debacle', we had moved on to entering the Palace's incredibly impressive baths. I'd been a bit… hesitant, at first, on account of my Western sensibilities, but in the end I managed to stomach my pride and get in anyways. At least the water was pleasant, that was a plus. Thankfully, Lassoo needed washing, so I didn't need to look up without reason.

I did, however, glance up when Sanji asked a very specific question, to which Cobra gave an honest answer.

I raised my eyebrow at the king in disbelief as most of the other guys started to scale the wall. "Seriously? Just like that? Your daughter is over that wall."

"Indeed, your highness! What are you thinking!?" Igaram pleaded desperately.

Cobra gave the Captain of his guard a flat look. "I'm thinking that I have been a single man for nearly two decades and that there is a rather attractive red-headed young lady on the other side of this wall."

Igaram froze as he processed that statement before swallowing heavily and following his king. "G-good point, sire. In fact, I-I shall accompany you. S-so as to ensure that you don't fall, o-of course."

"C'mon, Cross!" Luffy chimed in from where he was starting to climb up the dividing wall. "When you're in a bath like this, it's either to swim or peep, right?"

"IT'S NEITHER! AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'VE EVER BEEN IN A BATH LIKE THIS BEFORE? MY CULTURE HAS DIFFERENT SENSIBILITIES ABOUT PRIVACY!" I roared indignantly.

"And yet, you're givin' me a bath buck-naked," Lassoo noted before giving himself a hard shake, tossing off the suds I'd managed to lather up on him.

I spat and hacked as I got the suds out of my face before glaring at him. "Yeah, well, when in Rome… Mariejois, Alabasta, wherever. Point is, the name of the game is adapting to the local culture. Now do me a favor and stop moving, will you!?"

While I wrestled with the dog, most everyone else climbed the dividing wall. Upon reaching the top, they stared over the edge for a few moments until…

"HAPPINESS PUNCH!"

SPLURT!

They fell back in a cascade of nasal blood, splashing into the water.

I observed them flatly for a moment before raising my voice so that I could be heard on the other side. "Either you're sporting something really impressive there, Nami, or these guys are pathetic!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING PATHETIC, CROSS!?" Sanji roared as he splashed to his feet.

"You, swirly brow," Zoro rolled his eyes with a scoff, thankfully diverting the cook's attention from me as the two got into a… well, not a brawl, the current conditions didn't allow for that, but a controlled duel at least.

"Why don't you come on up and find out, Cross?" Nami called over in half-sultry, half-faux-saccharine voice.

"Three reasons, Nami!" I shouted back with a roll of my eyes. "Primo, one hundred thousand? Waaaay too rich for my blood."

"But I'm wo~rth i~t!"

"Oh, I doubt that!" Zoro scoffed.

"HEYO!" Soundbite cackled.

"SCREW YOU TWO!"

"Secundo!" I continued nonetheless. "One of the most important rules in the man code: don't stick it in crazy!"

"EXCUSE ME!?"

"That look you get in your eyes at the thought of a payday is nowhere near sane! You need help, woman!"

"HA! You're saying you're sane!?"

"Fu-u-uck no," I scoffed. "We're all cracked in the head, I'm just sane enough to admit it!"

"Tsk…"

"And tertio—!"

"What language is that?" Soundbite inquired.

"I dunno, Italian? I'm mostly just making it up as I go along," I shrugged. "Anyways, tertio: another, even more important rule in the man code."

"What, only if the carpets match the drapes?" Nami asked, her voice distinctly peeved by this point.

"Close," I countered with a scoff. "Don't stick it in friends."

That got a stunned silence.

"I—wait, what?" Nami stammered, obviously caught flat-footed.

"You heard me!" I reiterated. "I've got too much respect for you, too much emotional investment. I'm not willing to risk it all on something as monumentally stupid as peeking on you, or anything else like it for that matter. That enough of a reason for you?"

Silence reigned for a few moments; most of the guys on this side were looking at me in surprise, Sanji was nodding approvingly, and Zoro was giving me a look of what I presumed and hoped was respect.

Finally, Nami spoke up again. "I… Cross, that is… really a remarkable attitude. Do… do you think you could come up on the wall for a moment?"

"I won't pay for entrapment, woman!" I called up in exasperation.

"JUST GET THE HELL UP THERE, WILL YOU!?"

I winced and dug my finger in my ear. "Alright, alright, geeze! Damn banshee, swear I'm gonna get tinnitus…" I got up and made my way to the wall, eyeing it warily before starting to climb. "If I fall and break my neck, I swear that I'm suing your ass for every Beri you're worth!"

"I'll testify, I'll testify!" Soundbite eagerly chimed in.

Finally, I reached the top of the partition and looked over. "Alright, I'm here, what do you—?"

"HAPPINESS CONSOLATION PRIZE!"

FWISH!

"NAMI!?" Vivi screamed in embarrassment.

My eyes snapped wide in shock as I took in the sight before me, my mind stalling as it tried to come up with a valid response.

"HUBBAH HUBBAH!" Soundbite hooted at the top of his lungs.

That jolted my mouth to say the first thing that came to mind. "Soooo… Vivi… is that natural or are you really dedicated with the dye, or—?"

"JACKASS!"

KLUNK!

"GAGH!" I yelped, clutching my head in pain as a stool cracked off my forehead. Only too late did I realize that I'd been doing it with both hands. "Oh shitshitshit—!"

SPLASH!

"…owie… medic?"

-o-

"For the last time, that was not my fault! I was freaking blindsided!" I roared, crossing my arms as I stood my ground in the bedroom the crew had moved to after the scene at the baths.

"But you were still thinking it, and that's bad enough!" Vivi shot back with equal vehemence. "Do you have any idea how inappropriate that is!?"

"I was curious! Come on, that is not a natural color where I'm from, how the hell was I supposed to know one way or the other except by asking, huh!?"

"You don't ask about that, ever! I swear, I have never met such a—!"

"Girls, girls," Nami calmly interjected as she placed her hands on our shoulders, trying to separate us. "You're both pretty, now do you think you could please knock it the hell off?"

Vivi and I broke our glaring match in favor of snarling at her instead. "You're the cause of this in the first place!" we growled in synch.

Nami shrank back hesitantly in the face of our ire, a twitching smile plastered on her face. "I, ah, just wanted to give Cross a reward for his chivalry, you know? A gift from the goodness of my heart, is that so wrong!?"

"Even if I did believe you had a heart, I am a confident male who actually respects women! Why the hell would I want that as a freaking reward!?" I snapped in aggravation.

"Ehh…" Nami looked away nervously. "Whoopsy? Guess it's a good thing I'm not charging you for that, huh?"

"Why the hell would you be charging him for looking at me!?" Vivi screeched indignantly.

"Gergh…" Nami choked uncomfortably.

"Girls, girls, you're all pretty," Usopp interjected as he tried to butt in…

SLAM!

And got two fists upside his chin for his troubles.

"STAY OUT OF THIS, DUMBASS!" the girls roared.

"Ow…"

"I'm starting to get way too much hands-on experience with concussions…" Chopper muttered as he ambled over to Usopp.

"Oh, don't worry about those," Luffy cut in. "Grandpa said they don't have any side effects."

I slapped my hand to my forehead, hard, as I heard that, all thoughts of full-frontal Vivi pushed to the back of my mind. "If that crazy old man actually believes that, it explains so much…"

"Believes what?" Luffy blinked in confusion, tilting his head to the side.

I parted my fingers just enough for me to stare at Luffy in disbelief when a knock came from the bedroom door. There was a brief pause before Cobra poked his head through. "Is this a bad time?"

"Yes," Vivi, Nami, and I chorused through gritted teeth, as politely as we could.

"NO," Chopper, Zoro, Lassoo and Usopp shot back even more firmly.

"My apologies, it's just that… Mister Jeremiah, was it your birthday recently?"

I blinked at the non-sequitur and mentally reviewed what date it was before blinking in surprise. "Huh… well, now that you mention it, my birthday is coming up at the end of the month. Why do you ask?"

Cobra stepped into the room, revealing that Igaram was just behind him and holding a gift box in his hands, a cube wrapped in a black-and-white checkerboard wrapping paper with a bow on top that was the same dirty blond color as my hair. I blinked in confusion as I tried to process what I was looking at. "The hell? I mean, not that I don't appreciate it, but…"

"THAT LOOKS like my shell!" Soundbite piped up.

"Yeeeaaah…" I nodded in agreement. "Overall, it's a bit… unexpected?" I shot a significant look at Nami and Zoro, whose eyes widened in shock and understanding.

"It's not from us, Cross; one of the solder—ahem, mah-mah-MAH! One of the soldiers found it in the remnants of the palace gardens," Igaram explained with a concerned frown. "Oddly enough, it… appeared to be inside the remains of the statue of the Falcon Guardian before it was destroyed. The tag marked it as being for you, but the sender only left their initials. I don't suppose you know anyone whose name begins with…?"

I took the box from him and looked it over… and promptly paled in horror as I read the tag, almost dropping the box from my numb fingers.

"B.R.O.B." I breathed weakly.

"Who's that, Cross?" Luffy asked concernedly, no doubt seeing the look on my face.

"You remember when I said I came here because of a divine force well beyond human comprehension?" I asked nervously, holding the box as far out from me as I could get it. "B.R.O.B., they're not initials, they're an acronym. R.O.B. stands for Random Omnipotent Being."

"And… the first B?" Sanji asked warily.

I promptly split my lips in a snarl as I got my wits about me, digging my fingers into the box's paper. "Considering how this thing ripped me from my home without so much as a how-do-you-do? Bastard. Bastard Random Omnipotent Being. Even Soundbite looks like a freaking saint compared to its sense of humor."

"Ulp…" Soundbite swallowed uncomfortably.

For a brief moment, I really considered just tossing the damn thing out a window, but eventually I settled for placing it on a nearby bedtable and starting to work the wrapping paper off.

Everyone else, save for Luffy, Zoro, and, after some hesitation, Nami, stepped back and gave me a wide berth as I opened the package. I scrabbled against the stupidly resilient paper without success for a moment before almost slapping myself in realization. I took ahold of the two tassels of the intricate ribbon, took a deep breath… and pulled.

The ribbon promptly snapped undone, and the four sides of the box collapsed outwards, revealing the contents hidden within. I stared for a few seconds…before blinking as I actually processed what I was seeing. It was a black metallic box with chrome borders, several small knobs and switches on the front, two small screens on one side and a larger screen built into the top. Attached to an outlet on the front was a microphone that resembled the ones used for adult Transponder Snails. I blinked again, finally making the connection that it looked like a ham radio transceiver before looking around the room. Most of them were looking at it in uncomprehending curiosity… except Cobra, who looked thoroughly poleaxed.

"You know what this is, Father?" Vivi asked.

"Yes, I do," the king nodded promptly as he looked the machine over. "And I think you might want to revise your opinion on whoever this being is, Mister Jeremiah. That device is a piece of technology developed by the genius Vegapunk that the World Government outlawed, destroying all the models and prototypes as soon as he invented it; I don't think that they even kept one for themselves. It's a Snail Transceiver, designed to amplify the natural capabilities of Transponder Snails. Normally, Transponder Snails are only capable of connecting with one other member of their species at a time, and even the Adults need to relay with one another to make inter-Blue calls. That device removes those limits completely; presuming it works as Vegapunk claimed—and going by his track record, I have no doubt it does—you could use it to connect to every other Transponder Snail in the world at once, bar an exceptional few."

Silence fell. Then every jaw in the room besides Cobra's fell as we processed the sheer scale of what he'd just said.

Then Soundbite began cackling.

"HAHAHAHAHA! Still think I'm a bastard?" he crowed with a grin.

All attention snapped to the snail as his expression morphed from cocky to infuriated. "PLAGIARIST! KNOCK IT OFF, THAT'S MY SCHTICK!"

And then just like that he was back to cocky. "YOU THINK you can get a copyright in this hellhole OF A WORLD? GOOD LUCK!"

And once more Soundbite's expression shifted, becoming flat-out freaked. "HELP!"

Putting the pieces together, I snarled at Soundbite. Or rather, I snarled at the entity using Soundbite as its sockpuppet. "What's the big idea, giving me something like this? Some sick reward for putting on a good show for you!?"

The snail's expression morphed into a look of superior indifference before he scoffed and spoke in a voice apropos for a bratty teenage girl.

"Well, that's not very nice, especially seeing how I'm granting your request."

"WITHOUT EVEN GIVING ME A CHANGE OF CLOTHES?! A FUCKING CHOICE!?" I yelled indignantly.

"Not that request, dumbass!" B.R.O.B. drawled, the snail rolling his eyes before his expression morphed into a grimace and he spoke in my voice. "If I live through this, I had better have some damn good form of compensation coming my way, BECAUSE YOU FUCKING OWE ME!"

I stared at the snail in flat-footed shock as his face and voice morphed back to the obnoxious persona they'd been employing. "So, yeah, you managed to survive up to this point, and without even taking any life-threatening injuries, to boot! Well, other than giving yourself a, shall we say, 'full-cleanse' after Little Garden. Which, I have to say, was hilarious! And… I suppose that you have a point about robbing you of an easy chance to save hundreds of lives just so I could watch you squirm trying to save as many as you could with just your own insignificant brawn. But hey, it's not like anybody really important died, so no big whoop! Ah-ah-ah, don't even think about it, princess! Wouldn't want to hurt the little slimeball, would you?"

I snapped my eyes up to Vivi, who looked to be about two seconds away from wringing Soundbite's body.

"And that goes for the rest of you, too… unless you want a taste of what Jerry goes through whenever he eats a biscuit, hmmm?" B.R.O.B. sang.

The good news is that the sudden pallor that everyone in the room adopted seemed to distract them from the embarrassing nickname. The bad news was that judging by the haughty scoff that followed, we weren't done yet.

"So, yeah, you asked for compensation? Here's something a few hundred times more dangerous than a Golden Transponder Snail when used right for you to play with. So, unless you can seriously tell me that you're not enjoying your stay here…?"

I remained silent, and Soundbite's puppeteer made him grin cheekily.

"That's what I thought. At this point, you owe me more than I owe you, so don't expect any more favors from me before your future knowledge runs out."

"But… but I don't get it!" I protested desperately. "How-how is this thing supposed to be dangerous? Like, at all!? I mean, it's just a communications device! Unless it amps Soundbite's natural abilities—!"

"Geez, you really are a dumbass, aren't you?" B.R.O.B. sighed wearily. "Well, just to hurry my entertainment along, let me give you a hint: Madness is an STD." The gastropod's grin was nearly splitting his head at this point. "It's the gift that just. Keeps. On. Giving. Better figure it out nice and fast, else I could get bored…"

Suddenly, the gravity in the room seemed to triple, nearly bringing me and everyone else in the room to our knees.

"And we wouldn't want that, would we, now? Hehehehe—!"

"HEY!"

Without any warning, Luffy was standing in front of the transceiver, mic off its cradle and held to his mouth, completely unaffected by the gravity increase.

Soundbite's eyestalk cocked curiously. "Ooooh? The King-to-be has something to say? What do you want, O would-be ruler? Something to ask about the present or past? You wouldn't care about the future… would you, now?"

Luffy's expression was hidden by the brim of his hat as he stared at the mic silently for a moment before speaking. "You're the Mystery Bastard who stole Cross from his home?"

The entity blinked Soundbite's eyes in surprise before grinning cockily. "Yeah, that's me. Why? What about it? And just FYI, I'd suggest you not do anything stupid, kid. You're impressive, sure, but I'm way above your weight—!"

Before the higher being could finish speaking, Luffy snapped his head up, revealing a down-and-out apoplectic expression on his face.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY CREW!" he snarled furiously before slamming the mic back in its cradle. The transceiver wasn't harmed, but the table and the floor beneath it? Those cracked, and violently at that.

The effect was instantaneous: the gravity increase disappeared utterly, and Soundbite sagged with a sigh of relief.

"I've had TRIPS from eating alfalfa BEFORE. NOTHING compared to THAT!"

"Did not like, did not like…" Lassoo whimpered, pressing himself low fearfully.

"Still, that gravity thing could have been useful for training…" Zoro mused as he rolled his muscles before looking at me. "Hey, Cross—!"

"That Devil Fruit is already in the hands of or will go to a Marine, and a damn good one too, both morally and combat-wise, so no," I shot back, mirroring his motions but with much more difficulty. God damn, that hurt.

"I take back what I said, Mister Jeremiah. Your opinion of that being was… fully accurate," Cobra groaned. He'd taken it almost the worst of us all, having been laid out flat. "I'll doubtless be feeling this for awhile…"

"Cross, your future knowledge isn't going to run out anytime soon, right?" Nami asked hastily. "We're not going to hear from that… that thing again for a long time coming, right?"

"Don't worry, don't worry, we've got…" I thought it over for a bit before shaking my hand contemplatively. "Upwards two years, maybe more with travel time. Either way, with any luck we won't get any other 'social calls' for a good long while."

"But what did it mean about madness… being an STD? The gift that kept on…?" Chopper asked curiously.

"It's a saying from my…" I was about to say country, glancing at Igaram and Cobra, but I eventually sighed in defeat and massaged my forehead. "From my world. If I got its gist, it was saying that madness is… infectious." I contemplated that for a moment before shaking my head. "Yeah, not a clue. For now…" I looked at Soundbite. "Do you think you can test it out, see if it—?"

"Uhhh…" Soundbite concentrated for a moment before shaking his head. "YEAH, I GOT nothin'."

I glanced at him in shock before looking the machine over… and groaning as I saw the problem. I flicked a switch on the side, causing the device to light up before glancing at the snail again. "And now?"

A moment's concentration… then jubilation. "THIS IS USEFUL!" The next second he was scowling furiously. "But USELESS!"

I blinked in surprise. "Excuse me? Useful but use—?"

"I CAN REACH out and touch them all!… or none at all. NO IN-BETWEEN!"

I grimaced as I processed the implications. Yeah, I could see how that would be… constricting, to say the least. "Well, I suppose we'll just have to puzzle it out later."

"Wait, you're not actually taking that thing with you, are you!?" Usopp demanded. "I mean, after what that thing just did—!"

"After what it just did," I quickly interrupted. "I think we have more than enough reason to not just toss this thing away. I don't like it, but like as not, it held up its end of whatever bargain it thinks we made. Everything it did after, it did on its own time, completely mutually exclusive. So, for now…" I patted the machine's casing. "We hold onto this, if only for the hell of it. Alright?"

"Excuse me, guard?"

I looked back at Igaram in surprise, who had beckoned a guard into the room and then indicated me. "Escort Cross to the firth—ahem, mah-mah-MAH! Escort Cross to the first floor of the royal storage, and allow him to take a vessel to carry that device in. And while he's doing that…"

He turned to the rest of the crew. "I think it's high time you all informed us exactly who your friend is."

"Uh..." Lassoo raised his paw uncomfortably. "Me too, please. I wanna know what I'm getting into here."

I swallowed heavily before bowing briefly. "Thanks for your generosity, and I apologize for getting you into this situation," I said before following the guard.

I once again had the privilege of enjoying the palace's architecture as I followed my guide towards the kitchen area. The larder contained a spiral staircase, and following it down revealed a gargantuan room. I couldn't help but gape, and the guard chuckled at my expression.

"A country as ancient as ours picks up a lot over the years, Mister Cross. The first floor you see here is generic items such as storage devices, surplus hygiene items, replacements for vases, even firearms and weapons are kept here. The second floor, however, has much more valuable treasures; typically, only Captain Igaram, General Chaka, Lord Pell, and the royal family are allowed to set foot down there. Even among the royal guards, few have seen it."

I whistled in awe as I looked around. "Yeah, well, considering what your ancestors stocked up in the bedrock of this place? Yeah, not surprising."

"Well, would it surprise you to find out that there's a third level?"

I glanced back at the guard, who averted his eyes with a sly grin.

"Of course, we're not permitted to speak about it, but someone might tell you that we keep the most priceless and valuable treasures of Alabasta there, such as—"

"Ey ey ey!" I warded him off with a raised hand. "I appreciate the friendliness and all that, but secrets are secret for a reason. The less people who know, the less chance it could leak out, alright?"

The guard considered for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Fair enough, fair enough. Now then, Captain Igaram said you needed—?"

"Something that I can carry this around in," I answered, holding up the transceiver for him to see. "Something with easy access to it, so that I can reach it at all times."

"Hmm…" the guard mused as he rifled through a nearby crate. "Should it be heavy duty? Wouldn't want your device busting open, would you?"

I gave the guy a flat look before raising the transceiver and repeatedly ramming it against a pillar, all to no effect. "The... individual that supplied me with this device doesn't like it when their toys break. My hand is more hurt than this thing is," I deadpanned. "Trust me, this thing getting damaged is the last thing on my mind."

The guard stared in shock before slowly nodding. "Alright, then… oh, here! How about this?" He withdrew what appeared to be a nicely constructed messenger bag made out of canvas, complete with a solid shoulder strap and a firm-looking buckle for the flap. "Seem like it'd fit?"

"Hmm…" I took the bag and gave it a once-over before slipping the transceiver in, microphone facing forwards, before slipping the bag over my shoulder. I hefted the weight a few times before nodding my head side to side. "Feels good to me. Soundbite?"

Soundbite gave the bag a once-over before whistling in approval. "SEEMS snazzy TO ME!"

"Then this is the bag for me," I nodded confidently. "Thanks a lot, sir. Now, if you could just get to the main corridor, I think that I can make my way back to the room on my own."

The guard nodded, shooting a furtive, longing glance towards the staircase heading down to the next level, before shaking his head and marching back to and up the spiral staircase.

Let me tell you, it was a lot less fun going up than heading down, and while I wasn't huffing and puffing once we reached the kitchen, my legs were burning. We soon made our way back into the maze of twists and turns called Alabasta Royal Palace. It was a bit confusing, admittedly, but Soundbite was able to give a general direction for me to go in.

"So," I started curiously. "Any thoughts on how we can use our little windfall? Global eavesdropping, maybe?"

Soundbite considered that for a moment before shaking his head. "Uh-uh. To make the connection, I have TO CALL THEM, AND THEY'LL ALL RING. NOT SUBTLE. Plus, I'm not RECEIVING, I'm transmitting. IF I WANT anything from them, they have to call ME while I'm doing it."

"Well, that's annoying..." I tsked. "And… any forms of amplification for your capabilities?"

The Baby Snail clicked his tongue negatively. "ACTUALLY TRIED that with Pinkie and the Brain. NADA. I GUESS IT JUST DOESN'T—Puru puru puru puru!—GAH!"

I jumped in shock when Soundbite suddenly started shaking and humming repetitively. "What the—!? Are you getting a call?!"

"SEEMS LIKE—Puru puru puru puru!—Well, that's ANNOYING."

I blinked in confusion as a thought occurred to me. "Wait, how—? Who even has your number? I don't remember giving it out to anyone."

Soundbite, on the other hand, glanced away with a shifty look.

I pinned the snail with a glare. "Soooundbiiiite… what are you not telling me?"

"I-IT WAS while—Puru puru puru puru!—you were all unconscious. She was desperate AND I DIDN'T SEE THE HARM—!"

"She?" I promptly demanded with a sinking feeling. I knew who was on the other line.

Rather than dig himself any deeper, Soundbite instead jerked himself upright with a prominent "KA-LICK!" The next moment, his expression sank, his eyestalks and mouth drooping with a great depression, almost as though someone had killed his, or rather her, dog.

"Cross," Soundbite mumbled in a familiar voice, albeit with an unfamiliar tone.

"Officer Tashigi," I nodded respectfully, trying to keep my expression neutral.

Soundbite—and thus Tashigi—flinched self-consciously. "It's… it's actually Ensign now…" she muttered dejectedly, the words sounding as thick as tar as they came from her mouth. She was silent for a moment longer before hanging her head lower still. "I… I'm so sorry, Cross. We… we didn't know, there was nothing we could do—!"

"It's fine, it's fine," I waved her off casually. "I'll be honest, this isn't really a surprise. Hell, I saw it coming!"

Tashigi jerked in shock. "Wait, wha—!? Y-you did?" she demanded in confusion. "B-but then, how are you not mad o-or concerned or—!?"

"Because it was the obvious outcome of course!" I explained without a care in the world. "Do you really think that the World Government would attribute the downfall of a traitorous member of the Warlords to pirates? They'd sooner arrest a World Noble."

"Uh… wait…" Tashigi blinked, presumably surprised by something I'd said. "Wait… just to confirm, what are you—?"

I gave her a confused look. "Uh… you and Smoker's promotions and Luffy and Zoro's bounties, duh. Look, you really shouldn't concern yourself, we're pirates, we don't expect any praise, Vivi's happiness is more than reward enough. And as for those two, please, they'll be happy! We pirates use our bounties to keep score more than anything else! Heck," I grinned as I pointed my thumb at myself. "I can't wait for me to get my bounty! A badass moniker, my name heard around the world, what's not to love for a person who's already forsaken the way of the law?"

The silence from Tashigi was deafening, and I could feel an awkward tension starting to build.

"Uh, Tashigi?" I tried hesitantly. Geeze, what was her deal?

The Marine officer was staring at me with a stricken expression, her mouth open but nothing coming out. "C-Cross, I-I—!"

"CROSS!"

"GAH!" I jumped in shock when a vaguely familiar voice piped up behind me. Whirling around, I noticed that I'd come to a stop in front of a nice and open window, and standing on the sill of that window was… an albatross wearing a paperboy cap with a parcel under his wing? The hell—?

I started in shock as I noticed the scars on his underbelly. "Coo?" I asked in confusion. "Are… you the News Coo I met after Little Garden?"

"Yup, that's me!" The albatross saluted. "News Coo 1851. Nice to see you again, Cross!"

"THE FEATHER-RAT!?" Soundbite—really Soundbite—barked in shock.

I shot an offended look at him. "What the blue hell is your deal!? Seriously!"

Soundbite returned my glare evenly. "DO YOU know what THESE bastards EAT!?"

I blinked in confusion for a moment, before slowly widening my eyes in understanding. "Oooooh…"

"H-hey, we don't eat Transponders!" the out-of-uniform bird squawked indignantly. "Only normal ones, and only sometimes!"

"SO IT'S OKAY TO SOMETIMES EAT MY FREAKING COUSINS!?"

"Eeehhh…" Coo trailed off uncomfortably.

"C-Cross? Cross, what's going on?"

I winced as a foreign voice came from Soundbite's mouth. Right, forgot about her. "Ah, sorry Off—Ensign Tashigi, I'm afraid I've got another priority on my end. Hold, please!" I gave Soundbite a curious look. "You can do that, right?"

"No no no, Cross, wai—KLOCK!" Soundbite clicked his tongue before Tashigi could finish.

"There we go," I nodded before looking back at Coo curiously. "So, what brings you out here to Alabasta, Coo? And… why are you out of uniform?"

I was really starting to get tired of people suddenly getting worried around me all of a sudden.

"I-I-I, l-look, Cross…" Coo hedged uncomfortably, obviously nervous. "I-I'm doing this… I'm doing this because you were nice to me and-and-and in my line of work that's really rare and, well, animals talk and I've been hearing that you're all getting a raw deal and—!"

"Coo!" I interrupted. "What the heck are you talking about?"

The bird swallowed heavily as he glanced around, confirming that we were alone before tossing the parcel he was holding to me. "You didn't get this from me, burn it when you're done." And before I could ask him anything further he flew out of the window, tearing into the sky.

I stared after him in dumbfounded shock for a second before giving Soundbite a confused look. "Am I the only one sensing a pattern here?"

"Noooope," Soundbite shook his head solemnly.

"That's what I was afraid of…" I sighed as I unwrapped the parcel. I then stared at what I was holding. I was expecting a lot of things, but this? "Did… I just get some kind of blackmarket newspaper or something?"

Soundbite looked it over before jerking his eyestalks out in shock. "TRY THE future! Look at the date!"

Indeed, Soundbite was right: the newspaper was dated tomorrow.

"Well, that's weird…" I glanced out at the sky, where the sun was only just starting to descend. "It must have been printed early for some reason… they want it out immediately, maybe?"

"IT'S THREE DAYS after Crocodile fell, what could BE SO IMPORTANT, US?"

"I doubt it…" I was silent for a second before shrugging and unfolding the paper. "Well, only one way to find out. Now, then, let's see here…"

Overall, the headlines were... pretty tame, honestly. The Barto Club Pirates had attacked an island and earned Bartolomeo another bounty bump; Law, Bonney and Hawkins had all just entered the Grand Line scene and were making names for themselves; the Revolutionaries were operating here or there; rumors of the black-marketeer Joker a little everywhere; Big Mom did something in the West Blue… overall, some of this stuff was interesting, sure, but nothing truly scandalous.

"Come on, I don't have all day…" I huffed as I shifted to a new page… and paused in surprise at the sound of paper fluttering to the floor. Glancing down revealed some familiar brown, wrinkly sheets of paper.

"Huh, bounties…" I mused, leaning down to pick them up. I promptly grinned as I saw the faces on them. "Ah, these are our bounties! Heh, sweet, Luffy and Zoro are going to be—!" I stopped as I noticed something.

Only two of ours had bounties…

But there were three papers.

So then, who…?

I slowly flipped over the third bounty poster—

And I felt my veins freeze over.

For the longest time, I… I just stared, trying to reconcile what I was seeing, this impossible, impossible sight before me, with reality. Then, I slowly turned to look at Soundbite, who had an equally horrified expression.

"Put Tashigi back through," I said, with all the calmness of a shallow grave.

Soundbite nodded mutely, his expression shifting to a different brand of concern.

"Cross—?"

"If you don't tell me exactly what I expect you to tell me," I cut the Ensign off, my voice and countenance on par with dry ice. "Then I swear that I will lose all faith in you, in the Marine Corps, and in any other individual stupid enough to pledge themselves to your twisted sense of Justice."

Tashigi gaped at me for a moment before steeling her expression and glaring at me with unshed tears in her eyes. "There is no Justice in what's been done here, Cross," she whispered solemnly. "Not even I'm that blind."

And so she said it. She confirmed it.

She confirmed it… and I ran.

I ran the full distance to the room we were using before slamming the doors open, cutting off the conversation that was no doubt going on. And the second everyone saw the state I was in, they straightened up.

I took a moment to pant and regain my breath before looking up, a combination of panic, rage and misery painted on my face.

"We have a problem."

-o-

"Smoker, I don't see why you, of all people, are taking the word of a pirate over the Government. I know that the promotions were underhanded, but they did bring up valid points. Confused, Hina's confused," growled the eponymous captain of the Black Cage Formation as she paced back and forth on the upper deck of her ship, watching as her men scrambled to repair the ship that the Strawhats had fired upon in their escape.

"Valid my ass," Smoker scowled as he huffed out enough smoke for a coal plant, already reaching for another cigar even as his current one was steadily reduced to ash. "The last thing that fast-talking brat said to me was that before we left this island, I'd see the Straw Hat Pirates as more righteous than our superiors. The promotions alone were probably enough to prove him right. But this? They couldn't have mutilated Justice more if they killed Crocodile in captivity and told the world that the Straw Hats tried to take over the country."

"So, what are you trying to say, Smoker?!" Hina hotly demanded. "Are you saying that you've lost faith in Justice? In the Marines!?"

"No."

The captain and the commodore looked up in surprise at the interruption.

"Ensign," Smoker nodded solemnly.

"Commodore," Tashigi nodded back before shooting a determined glare at Hina. "And to answer your question, Captain, the answer is… ambiguous. We still believe in what we're doing, we believe in our mission, and we believe that there is Justice in the world…" She gestured out at the sandy continent the battleships were floating off of. "But this isn't just. This isn't Justice. We can't pretend to not see it, not any longer." She turned back to Hina. "Can you?"

Hina remained silent, her expression unreadable as she processed the shift in the girl's demeanor before blowing out a cloud of smoke from her cigarette. She then opened her mouth to reply—

"Don don don don!"

And nearly bit through her cigarette in shock as a sound rang out over the deck. "What in the world—?"

"Don don don don!"

Tashigi glanced around for a second as she tried to locate the noise before opening the door to the inside of the ship. She took one look inside before looking back out with a shocked expression. "I'm sorry, but have either of you ever heard a Transponder Snail make that noise before? Because—!"

"Don don don don!"

"Bring it out here, now," Smoker ordered.

A minute later and the snail was outside and situated on a lonesome crate, lazily looking over the trio before jittering wide awake with yet another "Don don don don!"

"…How much do you want to bet that Cross is behind this?" Tashigi deadpanned.

"Only a born sucker would take that action," Smoker snorted flatly.

"So, what do we do now, hm?" Hina asked as she eyed the snail. "Hina is curious, but this could also be a trap. Conflicted, Hina is very conflicted…"

Smoker promptly put an end to his comrade's conflict by picking up the speaker.

"Smoker!"

"We're already talking crazy, might as well act it too," the newly-promoted commodore grunted.

The Transponder Snail, meanwhile, had shifted its expression into a semi-cocky smile.

"Hello? Testing, testing, one-two-three, can you hear me?"

-o-

"Hmm… well, these two seem to be getting it alright, so hopefully that means that this thing is working. No other real way to tell…"

"Who's that calling you, Makino?" Mayor Woop Slap asked, his stern features marred by curiosity.

"I have no idea," the kindly barkeeper replied as she looked her snail over. "Bluey here started making a strange noise, and then—"

"Well! Might as well bite the bullet and get started! Helloooo, people of the world, from the North Blue to the South and everywhere in-between! My name is Jeremiah Cross! Chances are you haven't heard of me, buuut that's no surprise, seeing how I haven't been a pirate for long and I don't have a bounty yet!"

"A pirate!?" Woop Slap barked, leaping up and trying to grab for the speaker. Makino tugged it out of the mayor's reach with a frown.

"Now, Mayor, really! Let the man speak, it's only right that we at least hear what he has to say! And besides, you're being ridiculous! Not all pirates are evil, just look at—!"

"I imagine that pirate comment freaked a bunch of you out, huh? Yeah, I don't blame you. But, just for the record, I'm not like other pirates, none of my crew is! Allow me to reintroduce myself in a more specific manner: I'm Jeremiah Cross, third mate, tactician, communications officer and now I guess public relations officer of the Straw Hat Pirates! A mouthful and a lot of responsibility, I know, but what can I say? We're not exactly the biggest crew around."

Makino started in shock before giving the less-than-enthused Woop Slap a brilliant smile.

"Did you hear that, Mayor? This man—!"

-o-

"He's on Luffy's crew, he's on Luffy's crew!" Rika cheered, drawing everyone's attention to the bartop, civilian and Marine alike.

"I knew he was a resourceful young man, but this is ridiculous," Ririka muttered to herself.

"Uh, Ririka, Rika?" Captain Ripper spoke up uneasily as he pointed at the snail. "I realize that it's… nice to hear that 'your friend' is doing alright. I'm happy too, to an extent, but…"

The adult barkeeper put her hands on her hips and glared at the Marine. "You want us to hang up."

"No, you can't!" Rika cried desperately, grasping the Captain's pants leg. "This is the first we've heard of Luffy in weeks! You can't—!"

"Now, I imagine that a lot of people out in the world are freaking out because I'm a pirate and ten-to-one, the Marines are most likely going to try and outlaw this broadcast. And when someone gets caught doing something the Marines don't like, you can bet your bottom beri they're most likely going to take a bullet in the head for it."

Everyone stared at the snail, and then turned their eyes on Ripper and his men. The Marine Captain frowned heavily before tilting his cap down and sighing. "I refuse to conform to the stereotype that Morgan reinforced. But if word comes down from Marineford—!"

"Well, fear not, O citizens of the world, for you are not alone! As of this moment, I am utilizing a device, designed for and subsequently outlawed by the Marines known as a Snail Transceiver! Simply put, this device is amplifying the capabilities of my snail, Soundbite—!"

"HELLO PARTY PEOPLE! Who wants to get freaky with me?"

"Devil Fruit, isn't he a charmer?—so that he can reach every other Transponder Snail in the world at the same time. At this moment, I don't doubt that millions upon millions of people worldwide answered their snails and are listening to this broadcast. That means that if the Marines outlaw my voice and try to silence everyone who listens or listened to it, well… simply put, I invite them to try."

"Awesome!" Rika exclaimed, earning a quelling look from her mother. Everyone else, meanwhile, was staring at the snail, all thoughts of ignoring or ending the broadcast now gone in favor of varying degrees of curiosity and morbid fascination.

"I wonder why he's doing this, though…" Ririka mused.

-o-

"Well, anyways, I'm guessing that you're all wondering why I'm doing this broadcast, huh?"

"Woah, that's so cool!" Pepper breathed in awe.

"He knew what I said!" Onion freaked out slightly.

"Do you think he's a mind reader or something?" Carrot gasped.

"Doubtful, but we are talking about Luffy and Usopp here…" Kaya mused as she sipped her tea.

"Shoes off the couch, boys," Merry chastised as he dusted the furniture, his eyes never leaving the snail.

"Sorry, Mister Merry…" the trio muttered in chastisement.

"Well, to answer that, let's start with the Marine's depiction of pirates in general: dishonest individuals that either can't or won't make an honest living, so they decide to band together under flags in the name of wealth and destruction. They don't care about anyone but themselves, and would sooner kill you and take everything you hold dear than do a single honest day's work to get what they want. Bottom line? According to the Marines, pirates… are monsters."

"THAT'S A LIE!" the three ex-crewmates of the Usopp Pirates shouted defiantly.

"And… I won't lie to you. For the most part, the Marines… well, they're right."

"Huh!?" the trio started.

Kaya blinked in surprise as she stared at the snail. "Well, now…"

-o-

"The fact is, a lot of pirates are as the Marines described: murderers, cutthroats, bloodthirsty to a T. Far too often has a skull and crossbones been the harbinger of death and destruction for far too many. But note my language! 'For the most part,' 'a lot of'. I differ from the Marines in that I don't use absolutes. Just like how not all Marines are unilateral zealots, neither are all pirates killers!"

"Hmph," Genzo nodded firmly as he listened. "Sounds like Luffy found someone who has a good head on his shoulders. Good! Those people needed someone with a brain onboard!"

"Besides Nami, you mean?" Nojiko teased as she poked her male role model's cheek.

"After that stunt she pulled when she left? They rubbed off on her too much," Genzo snorted, grinning despite his words before becoming serious. "And besides…"

"You worry, I know, I know…"

"Well, the purpose of this broadcast is to display what I'm saying with gusto. My crew, and a lot of other crews like ours? We didn't set out to loo—OUCH!… alright, lemme try that again. We didn't set out to pill—OW! Sonnuva—! We didn't set out to rob people bli—! AGH! DAMN IT, WITCH, LEAVE ME ALONE, WILL YOU!?"

Nojiko fell to her knees laughing while Genzo started trying to strangle the panicked Transponder Snail.

"SHOW SOME SHAME, WOMAN!"

"Alright, sorry, difference of opinions from our second mate, navigator and treasurer. Let me start over…"

-o-

"Not all crews set out to kill. Us? We set out for different dreams, sure, but we have one common denominator: adventure. We set out to see the world. Every inch, every wonder… we wanted to see it all. We want to reach the end of the Grand Line. We want to follow in Roger's footsteps. To find the One Piece… that's our dream."

"And it's as lofty a goal as it was when they set out…but for Sanji's sake, I hope they do it!" Patty yelled.

"Of course they'll do it! That kid wrecked every big name in East Blue, and he's not slowing down!" Carne concurred, and the rest of the chefs cheered with equal exuberance.

All except for their boss, who was watching the snail with the stern expression that his employees had come to expect from him, and hadn't said a word since Cross identified which crew he was a part of.

"Now, I imagine that the Marines will tell you otherwise, but the fact is that this dream does not necessitate bloodshed. We don't go out of our way to hurt any civilians, we don't pick fights unless we have to. In essence, we are the antithesis of the pirate stereotype. And that, right there, is why I am broadcasting to you all here today, and why I will keep broadcasting to you for the foreseeable future. To tell you our side of the story."

-o-

"Henceforth, whenever I feel like it, I'm going to start up this broadcast, and I'm going to speak to the world. I'm going to let the world know who we are, what we're like, how we live our lives. I'm going to let you all share in our adventures as we travel the Grand Line, and see more incredible sights than have ever been seen before."

"BWOOOOOOH!"

"Quiet, Laboon, quiet!" Crocus waved at the Island Whale absentmindedly. "I can barely hear anything!"

"Now, fair warning, this broadcast? It won't be for the faint of heart. And it's certainly not a call to the sea either, you can be sure of that! When we decided to come out to the Grand Line, we all made a conscious choice, a decision, to willingly put our lives on the line. This ocean, this journey we're on, it's completely nuts. I mean, it is insane. We've almost died more times than I can count, and while I personally find that exhilarating, there's every chance that if you try, you won't be as lucky. So, if you decide to go out to sea… then you damn well make sure that you're prepared to put your life on the line, and absolutely nothing less, you understand?… Good."

Crocus smiled fondly as he listened to the young man's voice. Internally, he was both sad and happy.

First Strawhat, now this… this young man. Both perfect members to join the crew, sublime crewmates through and through…

Just a few years too late.

"Now then, this broadcast, this program, it needs a name, doesn't it? Well, before you all go getting your panties in a twist, allow me to tell you the one I've already selected."

-o-

"Well, this should be good…" Mr. 5 grumbled as he leaned against the wax house's back-wall.

"Shush!" Miss Valentine hissed loudly before returning her attention back to the Transponder Snail.

"By adhering to the laws of Keep It Simple Stupid and injecting a little bit of my own nostalgia for home, I've come up with a name that is both apropos and easy to remember. Hence, I'd like all of my current listeners—huh? What are you—? Oh, huh, I guess that's probably holy frick that many!? Uh, wow. Alright, just figured out what panels shows how many people are tuned in… well, I'd like to thank my upwards of several hundred million listeners for tuning in and welcome them all to the first ever showing of the Strawhat Broadcast Station, or the SBS for short!"

"Oh, please, that's the best he can come up with?"

"Quiet!" Miss Goldenweek chastised impatiently.

"Now… here's the thing: for this first broadcast, I'd love to let you all listen in on the general insanity of the ship. Luffy's idiocy, Zoro and Sanji's daily fights, Usopp's tall tales, Nami's sticky fingers, Chopper's research, Soundbite's… mere existence,"

"YOU LOVE ME and you know it!"

"Sea King shit. But anyways… I'm afraid that I can't do that right now."

"Thank God for small mercies."

"SILENCE, TINY HUMAN!" a loud voice roared as the wax shelter was shook by a violent impact. "WE ARE TRYING TO LISTEN!"

"INDEED!" another equally loud voice concurred. "EITHER QUIET YOURSELF OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE WARRIORS OF ELBAF!"

"WILL YOU MORONS SHUT UP ALREADY?!" two female voices screeched furiously.

"Sorry…" three thoroughly chastised male voices wilted.

-o-

"Currently, this first broadcast, this momentous event… is marred by tragedy. It's marred by injustice, and wrongdoing and… and as much as I want to have the usual roaring good time our crew usually has, I just can't do it. This… this is just too important."

"Something of enough gravity to make that cheeky brat, his loud-mouthed snail, and his rubber-brained captain stop their antics? I'm surprised the world's still turning," Doctor Kureha mused.

"I'll take your word for it," Dalton remarked from next to her. "You did interact with them more. At least Chopper's doing well, from the sound of things."

"Kak kak kak, yes…" Kureha chuckled darkly.

THUNK!

The Transponder Snail nearly… voided itself when a scalpel suddenly buried itself up to the handle in the wood before it.

"He'd better be."

"You see… three days ago, we Strawhats, we were involved in a rebellion that took place in a kingdom in the Grand Line known as Alabasta. To be specific, we helped stop that rebellion, a feat that necessitated our captain, Monkey D. 'Straw Hat' Luffy, to fight and ultimately defeat the Warlord of the Seas known as Crocodile. Now, the Marines and the World Government, they're spinning their own version of these events, and honestly? We're inclined to let them. They can say whether we were there or not, they can claim credit for taking down Crocodile, we don't care. We didn't do it for glory, we didn't do it honor, hell, we didn't even do it for gold, and boy did our navigator give us an earful for that. The point is, the Marines can up our bounties, they can call us criminals, that's all fine, but there's one thing that they're saying that's crossing the line. One thing, one lie… that no matter what, no matter the reasoning, no matter the ends, we cannot—will not—stand for."

-o-

In a well-decorated room with broad windows, located far away from the seas and seated upon the top of the world, five old men sat and decided the fate of the millions as they listened to the words coming from the mouth of a snail.

"This is quite the troubling turn of events…" a stout, bearded man with a cane hummed darkly. "Did we not forbid and destroy all of Vegapunk's transceivers for this express purpose when it was created?"

"Indeed we did, and they were," a relatively younger man with blond hair growled as he stroked his own beard. "I can't fathom how a pirate from such a novice crew managed to acquire such a device."

"Does it truly matter?" a squat, bald man snorted, his breath ruffling his rather impressive moustache. "That device was only deemed dangerous due to the threat of it falling into the hands of the likes of the Revolutionaries. What harm could it do in the hands of a mere child?

"I would not be so quick to dismiss this individual," a tall man, a giant even, with an impressively groomed beard stated gravely. "Remember that we once ignored the threat posed by a similarly inexperienced pirate nigh twenty-two years ago. Before we knew it, he had managed to strike a blow graver than any we have ever suffered. No menace, however seemingly insignificant, may be ignored."

Before the discussion could continue, they were interrupted by the very subject of their discussion.

"And so, without further ado, I cede my microphone to one of my dearest friends… and the victim of this heinous miscarriage of justice."

There was a brief shuffling noise, and then Cross's voice was replaced by that of a woman.

"People of the world. My name is Nefertari Vivi… and until today, I was the heir to the throne of the Kingdom of Alabasta."

As one, the Five Elder Stars stiffened visibly, the tall one blowing out a hard breath in the process. "I do so despise when I am proven right…"

"For the last two years, I have dedicated my life to infiltrating the criminal organization known as Baroque Works, which was working to destroy my kingdom from the inside out, and was led by Sir Crocodile, formerly of the Seven Warlords of the Sea. For two grueling, thankless years, I sacrificed my morals in order to uncover the leader's identity, hoping to prevent a war that would undoubtedly lead to the destruction of my kingdom and my people. With the generous and selfless help of the Straw Hat Pirates, who crossed my path after I had succeeded and Crocodile learned of who I was, my mission finally bore fruit. Thanks to their efforts, I survived his best efforts to end my life and returned home, where I stopped the rebellion after hundreds of my people had already died. All I did, I did in the name of my kingdom… of my people. I did it so that I might safeguard their future. So that I might one day return home and continue to protect them with all that I am, and all that I have to give.

"And now…" Nefertari was forced to pause as she took a shuddering breath before continuing, her voice charged with a myriad of emotions. "And now, that is no longer possible. Now, I am forced to flee my kingdom, to abandon my home and my people… to run away once more, with no hope of ever returning…"

"... Because the World Government has unjustly and erroneously accused me of treason."

The eldest of the five, a bald man in a formal robe, frowned darkly as he tightened his grip on the sword he was holding, and in one swift move he jerked it out slightly so that an inch of the blade could gleam in the sun's rays.

"The threat…" he intoned gravely. "Has just become real."

-o-

A.N. Twenty-two thousand six-hundred words. One chapter. And we just broke the 200K word threshold. Boom. Mic drop. Peace.