Chapter 4
"He's not right is he, I mean Harry's going to be ok right?" Tonks paced the dining room of the home she and Remus shared. Her robes thin night gown swaying softly with each frustrated movement. Remus was content just to watch her a slight smile on his face. At the moment her hair was a deep burgundy red and sticking up on end in short spikes. Her hair of late seemed to change with her moods almost without concise thought. Partly because she knew it amused him, and partly because it amused her. Remus could always tell what kind of a mood she was in by the color of her hair, the deep angry red of today meant his wife was in an angry and agitated state, brought on by fear.
"We were there remember, Tonks we saw him destroy the 7th" Remus reassured her calmly. Tonks shuddered slightly, Remus knew she was reliving those terrible years of searching, of battle. "how can I forget, he was in so much pain Remus, and each one was harder to destroy then the last. There were times when all I wanted to do was grab him up and take him away somewhere." She said the words softly. Turning to smile sadly at him. After Sirius's death Tonks had become lonely, broken down and desolate. He had thought her cousins death had beat at her torn he down, and in part it had. Imagine his shock, when he learned it was him that made he so sad.
" Battle changed him, scared him as it does all of us. He has had more pain and death to deal with then anyone. For now until we know more, lets not condemn him" He took her hand in his smoothing the skin in a simple guesture of comfort, she smiled sadly seeing something he couldn’t see. "Why cant we protect him, even as a boy no mater how many spells and safeguards we used or even Dumbledoors presence were we able to protect him. " She was right, Harry's life had seemed to take on a pattern, it had been present since the day he was born. Harry was allowed happiness for a brief period of time whether it was a year with his parents or Meeting Sirius he man closest to his father, and a father figure of sorts. Then it was whipped away from him by death and pain, it didn’t matter what they or Harry did to prevent it, Death always found Harry.
"I don’t know, but our time of protecting him has run its course. He's not a little boy anymore." He rubbed her arms to take away her chills, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. She sighed, "Not that green eyed little infant staring up from the rubble of his ruined childhood, or that scraggly little eleven year old with the haunted yet so hopeful eyes. I keep seeing that fifteen year old boy, so courageous yet so troubled, so much like Sirius and so much like James. I loved and respected them both, Remus but I cant let Harry come to their end."
She wanted children, he knew she did and in truth he wanted them as well. Harry was the only child she would likely ever have. Not with the taint of the werewolf running so heavily in his veins, not when their was a chance any child they had would be cursed from birth. He had admired her for years, and loved her for more, loved from a distance because he thought himself unfit husband material. And of course he wasn't.
"I'm sorry, Nymphadora. If I could change what was done to me, If I could give you…" She silenced him with a touch to his lips, a smile on her face. "Didn’t I tell you not to call me, that. I can tell your upset when you forget that. Look Remus how long are you going to play the guilt game. It wasn’t your fault Fenrir Greyback bit you, It wasn’t your fault you were shunned and treated so poorly. I don’t want some guy just so I can have kids. I would have married long ago, instead of torturing both of us for years if that was all I needed. Besides all the healers say its uncertain whether any child of ours would carry on the curse. So lets not dither on about it ok?" Remus sighed and kissed her, because he loved her, and it was all he could give her.
"I'm Mad I Don’t wanna talk to you!" James shouted at his mother, through the closed doorway of his bedroom. He lay on the ground his body blocking the door as best its little size could. His mother stood on the other side he knew, with her hands on her hips trying not to loose her patience. And that was ok with him, she could be mad all she wanted, but this was all her fault. "James come out of the room please" It wasn’t a request he knew that, but his little body was brimming with so much anger he was shaking with it. "NO!"
And then the door was open and he was pushed rather roughly backwards and their his mother was he wand in her hand. It wasn’t fair that adults could use magic, really it wasn’t. he glared up at her from the floor balling his tiny fist. "I wanna see Daddy! You said we could See him!" He waited, hopeing she would apologize, hoping she would say this was all a big mistake and take him to see his papa. His papa with the warm smile and big arms, his papa who had caught him out of bed and had gotten so angry… He bit his lip, and curled his fist tighter. Don’t be a baby James, papa wouldn’t cry. So he turned his angry eyes back on his mother.
"Daddy, is sick honey. He doesn’t want to see us right now" He could tell Mommy was upset, her vioce was all funny and her eyes were slightly wet. But he didn’t care, this was her fault. All her fault. "You said, we could see him. Why couldn’t I have seen him first. You just made him mad, now I cant see him. I'll never see him cause he's mad! And its all your fault." Little bodies aren't made to hold so much emotion despite his greatest effort James Simian Potter couldn’t hold back the tears, and he couldn’t continue to blame his mother. She wrapped him in her arms and he sobbed.
"I'm sorry mummy, I'm sorry. I wont get out of bed anymore I promise. I promise. " she didn’t say anything she just held him until he fell asleep.
Harry Lay in the hospital bed sweating in agony, He wanted his wife, hell he wanted a lot of things. Things that he now doubted he would ever have. How could Ginny even come near him anymore if every time he saw her, the urge to kill her, to slaughter rose like a virus in his blood. He had shouted at her, screamed for her to leave him cursed her like a raving mad man. Anything to get her to leave so he wouldn’t hurt her. You cant hide in here forever Harry. Like Hell He couldn’t. If he had to stay in St. Mungos rotting until he was an old man he would. He wouldn’t unleash the Monster he had become unto the world.
Remus will be back, you can’t keep him out. What then, what will keep him safe from you? Its YOU I’m NOT LIKE THIS! Don’t fool yourself, what you were before is quickly fading. The question is Harry how much time do you need how much time are you willing to bargin for? What would you trade me for another week with your family….why was life so damn painfull… Anything.
James Pottters Eyes opend wide in Joy. "YOU MEAN IT DADDYS COMING HOME! SIRIUS DID YOU HERE? DADYS COMING HOME!
