Chapter 27

The Unluckies didn't give me any time to say more than that before Miss Friday spread her wings and dove towards me. Faced with the two murderous animals again, I did the only sensible thing I could.

I turned tail and ran into the street, shoving my way through the crowd.

What? Those guys were scary! More importantly, I didn't have the whole crew haring off to fight other people this time, so I could actually call some backup.

Of course, I picked then to remember that I couldn't call for help because the town was lousy with Blackbeard's crewmates and if I got pegged on account of them rampaging to my rescue, then both Soundbite and I would be biting it, big time! Because let's face it, my crewmates were many things, but subtle was not one of them. Well, Robin was, and maybe Vivi, but I couldn't guarantee that Robin wouldn't actually choose to help the Unluckies at this point, while Vivi wasn't anywhere near capable of fighting these things head-to-head.

No, quite unfortunately, I was once again on my own.

Well… as 'on my own' as I ever got these days, anyways.

"Think you can Gastro-Phony them?" I hissed desperately at Soundbite.

The snail in question concentrated for a moment before shaking his head. "NO JOY! Must have stuffed their EARS WITH WAX!"

"Tsk! Smart jackasses!" I cursed vividly. Damn it damn it damn it! This was not how I'd wanted to spend my shore leave, running from vengeful assassins and dodging a hail of fucking bull—!

…wait… Where were the bullets? I was expecting an earth-shattering kab—er, hail of bullets!

I started to turn my head around but abandoned the notion when I nearly collided head-first with somebody. "Soundbite, can you see what they're packing?!"

"Uh…" Soundbite twisted his eyestalks around, eyes narrowed. "TWO COMBAT knives on 13, armor on FRIDAY'S TALONS! NO GUNS or shells, though!"

I made a tight turn around a corner, nearly slipping onto my ass and thanking my lucky stars for the traction the treads of my greaves afforded me. "Makes sense, their weapons would have been confis-CATED!" I yelped as I jumped over a tub of lard who'd decided it'd be a great idea to sleep off his hangover in the street. "When they were arrested and Vivi told her father about all the weapons caches she had knowledge of, PLUS—!"

I cursed under my breath and barely managed to duck down to under half my height. What kind of a moron actually carried a ladder like that!? "Whatever they managed to pump out of the captured agents! They must be stuck with what they can salvage!"

"YEAH, WELL—! DODGE!"

I immediately complied, throwing myself to the right and tumbling into an alleyway. I had a brief reprieve as I scrambled back to my feet, during which I managed to catch sight of Friday trying to wrench her metal-encased talons from the woodwork she'd literally buried them in. I managed to get running again just as she tore her claws out of the wood in a flurry of broken splinters.

"THIS DOES NOT COMFORT ME!"

"And you think I feel any better!?" I spat, pumping my legs even faster as I ran out into the next street over and started dashing down it. Thankfully, the crowd parted before me and let me through without too much commotion. Apparently, they were used to having people get chased through the streets by thoroughly vicious assassins. They just didn't care enough to actually help!

Seriously, I saw nearly ten different guns hanging from the belts of people who clearly saw me! It would take all of ten seconds for them to draw and fire! It was just that nobody could be bothered to—I nearly facepalmed. Why did I always have to be so oblivious.

Catching sight of a particularly ornate handle hanging out of someone's belt, I put on a burst of speed and yanked the pistol from its holster, using my left hand to snap the hammer back while I found my grip and the trigger with my right. This all happened in the scant second it took for me to spin around and point the barrel at the pursuing pests. Friday flared her wings in panic in an effort to pull up, but by that point, they were already too close for me to miss.

"Smile, you ugly—!" I grit out as I pulled the trigger—

CLICK!

—and stared at the pistol in horror as its hammer clicked without any effect.

Thankfully, by this point Friday had swung up into a wide loop, giving me the briefest of pauses.

A pause filled by a fist rapping over my head, subsequently grabbing my collar, and wrenching me face-to-snarling-face with the guy I'd yanked the gun from. "You hooligan! Who the hell steals another man's pistol!?"

I blinked in surprise for a moment before scowling right back. "Who doesn't load their fucking pistol in a pirate town!?" Before the guy could respond, I flipped the pistol in my hand and cracked its butt over his head, forcing him to let me go. I got running just as Friday and 13 came back around for another pass.

"You think they'll risk that happening twice?" I asked Soundbite.

"I THINK they'll risk dodging TOWARDS YOU INSTEAD OF AWAY!" Soundbite absently responded.

I glanced at the snail in confusion. "What is it?"

The Baby Transponder Snail ground his teeth as he stared off into space. "I think I MIGHT HAVE an idea. GET TO THE NEXT STREET over, THAT WAY!" Soundbite answered, jerking his eyestalks to the right.

I hesitated for a brief moment before complying, swinging into the closest opening in the buildings. "Got it!" I put on as much speed as I could, and promptly killed that speed just as quickly when I came face-to-face with a wooden fence that was blocking my way forward.

It took every bit of control I had to not growl at Soundbite; at this point, I really hoped that he had a plan.

"DON'T GET PISSY AT me!" Soundbite spat venomously as he read my expression. "I SAID street, you ran INTO A BLIND ALLEY!"

I winced in admonishment. I mean, he wasn't wrong. Still, hopefully, there'd be enough time for me to backtrack and—

FWUMP!

…well, that was just brilliant, wasn't it?

I grit my teeth in a wordless growl before plastering a tight grin on my face and turning around, making sure to keep my right hand behind my back all the while, while my left jerked my headphones over my ears. "Don't suppose you'd let me make another runner so that you can continue the hunt and cut me down running?" I asked, injecting a hint of hope into my voice.

It seemed that they had used up their quota of speech for the day, as the only reply they gave was for Friday to lower her center of mass while 13 flipped his combat knives so that the blades were pointed at unnaturally straight angles.

I jerked my head in acknowledgment, my smile growing ever tighter as I slowly gripped the object I was looking for with my hidden hand. "Didn't think so… by the way, just so you know, Soundbite and I have taken to naming our attacks." My grin perked up into a predatory gleam. "Here's one we just came up with today!" I whipped my hand out before the Unluckies could react. "GASTRO-FLASH!"

God bless Usopp for his sheer ingenuity, because only he could have come up with something as brilliant as this. A wind-up woodpecker doll he came up with in his spare time? On its own, a rather simplistic device for distractions and occasionally pounding in nails when he was in a hurry. The mechanism for repeated hammering, though, combined with and attached to the back of the Flash Dial that Boss found on the St. Briss, managed to enhance the already potent light of the Dial into a constant strobe light.

Throw in the ear-splitting siren Soundbite was belting out and I'd just managed to hit the Unluckies with a flashbang at almost point-blank range. And from the way they reeled and clutched their heads in agony, it was clear that neither the polarized sunglasses they wore nor the wax stuffed in their ears was enough to stop the assault on their senses.

Acting fast, I leaped forwards and stomped my boot down on Friday's helmet, smashing her jaw against the planks beneath us. I balanced on her head as I swung my other leg forwards, punting 13 off of the buzzard's back.

Before I could do anything else, Friday shifted and lurched beneath me, putting all her neck muscles into trying to fling me off. I panicked for a brief moment, before getting a stupid crazy idea. I knelt down ever so slightly and then pushed upward and backward just as Friday surged up herself. The combined motion managed to fling me high enough into the air to send me sailing over the lip of the fence and clear to the other side of the alley.

I landed with a crash and a burst of air, wincing as I got up, before scowling viciously at Soundbite when I managed to make sense of the digital music echoing through the air. "Super Mario Bros, really?!"

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO JUST DID a Goomba stomp," Soundbite pointed out with a snicker. "NOW, RUN FORREST RUN!"

"Do I look like a national icon to you!?" I growled out as I struggled to my feet and dashed into the street, just as a squawk of fury pierced the air. "Damn it, they get up fast. You were saying something about a plan!?"

Soundbite's eyes were unsynced as they swiveled back and forth, looking up and down the street. "Not yet, not yet! I NEED LINE OF SIGHT FIRST!"

SMASH!

"SHIT!" I cursed, ducking my head in panic in order to avoid the hail of glass from the Unluckies smashing clear through a window! Son of a bitch, had they blitzed through the whole building!? "HOW'S THAT FOR LINE OF SIGHT!?"

"COULD I GET a close-up?"

"SOUNDBITE!"

"RIGHT!" Soundbite clenched his teeth, his telltale whine singing through the air. "Get ready… DUCK!"

I snapped my head down—

WHIZZ!

Just as I felt the wind of a bullet passing through the air above my head. Glancing back confirmed that the Unluckies had unfortunately managed to dodge the shot as well, but if the way Friday was glaring bloody murder at a direction slightly above me, the shot had apparently diverted their ire for a moment.

I followed the vulture's line of sight and confirmed that she was staring at the top of one of Mock Town's towers. More specifically, she was glaring at the silhouette perched on… the…

"Did you just taunt Van Auger into shooting these two?!" I hissed in shock.

"NO CLUE about this 'Van Auger' DUDE, BUT I did SPOOK THE good Samaritan SNIPING feather-RATS!"

Regardless of Soundbite's slurs, his ploy apparently managed to work!… halfway, anyways. The good news was that Friday pumped her wings and soared up higher as she swerved towards the tower, habitually jerking and jolting around in the air as she ducked and weaved around the ammunition apparently being blasted at her. No surprise there, these two no doubt had plenty of experience dealing with sniper fire.

The bad news, on the other hand, was that just as she veered off, 13 leaped off of her and continued the chase himself. His legs might have been short, but the furry bastard definitely had the energy to compensate!

"Well, that didn't work!"

"WE'VE GOT half as many ASSASSINS to deal with. What DO YOU MEAN IT didn't work?" Soundbite grumbled.

"It half-worked, so it only half-counts!" I snapped back, grunting as I vaulted over a table at a café to try shaking the otter. Unfortunately, that backfired when the rat used the table as a springboard to get the height needed to almost slice my head off. Almost. As it was, I still came away with a thin cut on my neck.

"Why does THIS SOUND familiar?" Soundbite muttered viciously.

"Not so fun from the other side, is it!?" I shot back with a grim grin.

"IS NOW THE TIME!?" Soundbite roared incredulously.

"Ah—GYERK!" I flinched as a butter knife swished over my shoulder. "Guess not! Any other bright ideas for dealing with this bastard!?"

"NEGATIVE! Sniper-boy is FOCUSED ON Friday, and even if I could make HIM go after THE WATER RAT, chances ARE HE'D SMELL A DIFFERENT ONE!"

"Damn it damn it damn it—GYAGH!" I cut off my cursing with a yelp when my foot suddenly hit an uneven plank and sent me tumbling. I had just enough time and sense of mind to flip onto my back and snap my armored forearms into an X, barely managing to catch the flurry of slashes the overgrown rodent tried to put into my face. The moment I got a reprieve, I shoved my arms outwards in order to knock the otter away and give me some room.

The second I got the opening, I curled my legs up against my chest and lashed them out, catching 13 in the chest and launching him off of me in a picture-perfect mule-kick.

I hastily clambered my way back to my feet, trying to keep my eye on the rodent. By the time we'd managed to both get back to our feet, I made a most… unfortunate discovery. The onlookers had finally taken notice of my dilemma, just… not in a way that helped me in the least.

"Shit…" I hissed, digging for my baton and Flash Dial.

"DA FUQ you thinking!?" Soundbite demanded incredulously.

"I don't have a choice, is what I'm thinking…" I groused as I tried to get myself into as ready a stance as I could manage. "Look around."

Soundbite promptly did so and blinked in confusion as he noticed the ring of people surrounding me and 13. "UHHH, what are they doing?"

I ground my teeth as I slowly started to shuffle to the left without ever looking away from my furry opponent, an action he matched at the same pace. "Penning us in. I've seen several bills exchange hands, which means they're betting on us, which means they won't let me run." I swallowed heavily as I took in the evil leer 13 was sending my way. "And he's certainly not opposed to the idea either."

Soundbite looked nervously at the ring of pirates and other assorted scum around us. "Please tell me you have A PLAN."

I opened my mouth to say that no, I didn't have one besides beat up 13 again—and then something came to me. A distraction; but not just any distraction, a very special distraction. A distraction I'd seen time and time again capable of stealing all focus from one subject and wrenching it to another. I'd never actually initiated it before myself, but if I could do so, it would be so huge that we could slip away easily. The only question was if I could replicate it…

Well, couldn't hurt to try.

"Hey, guys!" I called out, not taking my eyes off 13. "I have a question for all of you. Do you even know why we're fighting in the first place?"

I sweated nervously as 13 cocked an eyebrow, obviously curious about what I was getting at. Someone had to take the bait, or else—!

"The hell was it about, huh?" Soundbite barked from several feet away without moving his lips.

I took a moment to thank my lucky stars for Soundbite having faith in me before jabbing an accusatory finger at 13. "We were having an argument over who the strongest of the Four Emperors was, and this Philistine had the gall to say Kaido!"

13 glanced around in confusion as the pirates and scumbags around us started muttering amongst themselves, before shrugging it off in favor of scowling at me. He leaped across the clearing, ready to tear into me—

"HEY!"

When he was suddenly snatched clean out of the air by a massive hand that encircled his body.

"You dare imply that the great Whitebeard could be weaker than that mangy beast!?" a dark-haired man with an impressive fu manchu mustache literally spat, his phlegm decorating the otter's sunglasses. "I hope you're ready to meet your maker!"

I slowly started to inch back into the crowd as 13 struggled in the pirate's grip before freezing as one of the onlooking bar wenches spoke up.

"Tchah! Typical of the patriarchy, picking the old father figure!" she whined in a high and nasally voice. "It's Big Mom, obviously, 'cause she's a woman, and everyone knows women are stronger than men!"

"What'd you say, you dime-store whore?!" one of the pirates angrily barked, shoving his way towards her.

"Hey, I ain't no cheap girl! I charge quarters, at least!"

"Women are stronger than men, huh? Come over and prove it!"

POW!

"Augh, my face!"

"Uh-oh…" Soundbite whined uncomfortably.

"Oh, boy…" I swallowed in agreement.

"Kaido can't die! I've seen it!"

"Man, Whitebeard's fucking seventy! And Big Mom and Kaido ain't far behind neither for that matter! It's gotta be Shanks, he's not even forty!"

"He's got no Devil Fruit!"

"Yes, he does!"

"No, he doesn't!"

"Yes, he does, and by God, you're gonna accept that if I have to beat it into you!"

"Bring it, ya wuss!"

CRACK!

"Augh, my spine!"

"No! Billy! You bastards!"

"Time to go, I think," I muttered as the argument descended into an all-out brawl, and then promptly ducked as a freaking table sailed over my head. "Yes, definitely time to go!"

I turned tail and bolted down onto a street perpendicular to the one we'd been on, putting as much distance between me and the swiftly-growing brawl as I could manage. I put on an especially impressive burst of speed when a cry of "WIIIHAHAHA!" and a humongous shadow flew above me along the rooftops.

I'd managed to put in a considerable amount of distance between me and my pursuer when Soundbite groaned in frustration. "HE GOT OUT!"

"What!?" I sputtered in shock. "The guy who grabbed him was five times his size!"

"Six, AND HE CAN'T play rock-paper-scissors ANYMORE!" Soundbite shot back in a panicked tone. "Now run FASTER!"

I groaned miserably as I tried to comply, and promptly winced as a bolt of pain shot through my legs. "That's gonna be a problem, I'm reaching the end of my rope here!"

I might have gotten stronger through training, but I was still freaking mortal, which was something that the otter following me was most certainly not!

Soundbite glanced back over my shoulder nervously. "THEN WE need to lose him, FAST!"

"Easier said than done! As this bastard has demonstrated time and time and time again, he's an assassin!" I groaned in a dejected tone. "And on the Grand Line, that means a hell of a lot more than it normally means! We won't shake him easily!"

"WE DID it in LITTLE GARDEN!"

"Yeah, and all we had to do was sic a pack of the most vicious dinosaurs in existence on him to do it!" I wheezed. "If we want to somebody to get him off our backs, then it can't be some run-of-the-mill thug!"

"We're in a fucking PIRATE TOWN! Throw a BRICK AND FIND SOMEONE EXTRAORDINARY!"

I winced as I conceded the point and started scanning the street for somebody, anybody who could possibly do the job. "Come on come on come on…" I muttered to myself on repeat. "Somebody extraordinary, somebody above the norm, somebody who's a mon—!"

My words died in my throat as I caught sight of a bar down the street with a very familiar window design and an idea blossomed in my brain.

Apparently, Soundbite was able to read what I was thinking on my face if the nervous expression he was wearing was anything to go by. "You have a STUPID plan, DON'T YOU?"

"Suicidal is more like it!" I corrected grimly. "Care to share any ideas of your own?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA NO."

"Then hang on to your shell." And with that, I sprinted up to the bar as fast as I could manage.

I shoved the saloon-style doors open, took a moment to stand there and gather my breath, and once I confirmed that all eyes were on me and that my intended target was indeed sitting at the bar…

"Excuse me, is it true that Doflamingo's spring-heeled dickweasel can be found here, or is this the wrong bar?"

I said what had to be the stupidest thing you could possibly say to Bellamy the Hyena's face.

The second, the exact second the last word left my mouth, I fell flat on my face, pressing myself into the woodwork at the exact same time as a pink-shirted ballistic missile tore through the space my torso had occupied moments earlier… just in time to ram into an entirely different biological projectile that had been aimed at me, this one substantially smaller and covered in fur, and slam them both through the wall of the building on the opposite side of the street. Moments later, the sound of a very intense brawl broke out from the site of the impact.

Unwilling to let either of my aggressors rally and get the drop on me, I jumped to my feet and ran over to the bar. I slapped my palm on the countertop, causing the shell-shocked bartender to flinch. "Hello, can I get some service please?"

The barkeep eyed me warily, no doubt fearing for his life via association with me. And in all fairness, it's not like he was wrong. "Uh, s-sure, what do you—?" The barkeep's words died as he stiffened in terror, staring at something over my—!

SLAM!

I jerked to the side seconds before Sarquiss' oversized kukri cleaved into the part of the bar I'd been standing at, the blade's owner glaring bloody murder at me. "You're dead, you little—!"

Rather than letting him finish his threat, I instead swiped Soundbite off my shoulder by his shell and slapped him against the flat of the knife. "GASTRO-BLAST!"

"Bada BING BADA BOOM!"

The middle of the blade exploded in a hail of metal fragments, leaving Sarquiss holding little more than a broken hilt. All the pirate could do was stare at the remains of his eponymous weapon for a moment… before I pulled out a very lucky find from the St. Briss with my other hand and stuck it in his face.

"Impact, jackass," I snarled, flexing my palm definitively.

Thinking about what Usopp and Nami described the blowback from the Dial to be like, I came close to thanking Zoro for the training when I found that the pain from the sudden force that slammed into my palm and crushed into my radius and ulna was just enough to make me wince. Sarquiss had no such luxury, promptly getting blown head over heels into a nearby table by the force of Usopp going to town on the Impact Dial with a hammer, where he lay groaning in agony.

I sniffed contemptuously as I re-pocketed the Dial and placed Soundbite back on my shoulder, straightening out my jacket in a haughty fashion. "Some people just have no manners…" I muttered before turning back to the bartender, who was shell-shocked anew. "Now where was I… ah, yes! Sir? Sir?" I snapped my fingers before the poor guy's face. "Sir, if I could get some service please?"

"Ah!" The man jerked back to the land of the living with a shudder, eyeing me fearfully for an entirely different reason. "Y-yes, h-h-how may I h-help you?"

"Ah, well, let's see…" I dug through my pockets for a bit before grinning in satisfaction. "Ah, here we are!" I pulled out the half-dozen hundred-beri notes Nami had given me for shore leave and slapped them on the bar. "A bottle of your finest Cola and usage of your bolt hole, and I know that you have a bolt holt because this is a pirate town, of course you have a bolt hole!"

The barkeep hesitantly pocketed the money and eyed me warily before rooting out a bottle of Cola and tossing it to me. He then leaned down and worked open a hatch in the floorboards, exposing a hole with a ladder in it.

Soundbite whistled appreciatively. "NOW THAT'S what I call SERVICE!"

"Indeed!" I nodded in agreement as I vaulted over the bar. I took the time to turn around and address the still-frozen bar patrons with a grin and a salute. "Well, I'm blowing this popsicle stand! Later!"

"ADIOS, AMIGOS!"

And with that, I slid down the ladder and into freedom.

I'd done it! I'd actually done it, and on my own, to boot! I was free, home free! Nothing could stop me now!

-o-

"Cross…"

Correction: almost nothing.

"Yeah, Vivi?" I asked innocently, despite the vein throbbing on her forehead.

"Is this going to be a 'thing' with you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I whistled, wincing at the fact that I no doubt looked exactly like Luffy whenever he was lying.

"Alright. Then let me clarify: could you explain to me…" she started in a far too calm voice, before grabbing my collar and jabbing a finger inland. "Why in the name of all that is holy is the town on fire?!"

Indeed, a large chunk of Mock Town was now ablaze, a product of both the all-out riot my distracting question had started and the questionable wooden construction of most of the town's buildings. Considering how heated versus debates got back home on the Internet, I had expected the outcome to be violent; in retrospect, seeing how we were in a town whose sole reason for existing was to get pirates drunk, I should have seen this coming.

"In my defense, I didn't expect the opinions on the answer of a simple, slightly divisive question to get this heated," I answered, hastily throwing in a "Pun not intended!" at the look on Vivi's face.

"You said you were just going for a walk!" Vivi snarled indignantly.

"It was A VERY enthusiastic WALK!"

I grinned at Soundbite. "I was just about to make that reference, good ca—ERK!" I choked off as I noticed the frigid glare Vivi was pinning me with. "I-I mean, I'm very sorry, and please forgive the sheer reckless of my actions?" I shrank in on myself when the glare refused to abate. "C-cut me some slack here! How was I supposed to expect the Unluckies to attack me again?!"

"Really? Miss Merry Christmas outright said that Baroque Works was going to make a jailbreak; even if you didn't see it in the story, how could you not see it coming?"

"I did see it coming, but in the story, everyone who escaped retired! Doublefinger's living out her dream of owning her own café, the rest of the Officer Agents joined as employees, and the last I saw of the Unluckies, they were trading sketches of Agents for food! The general theory back home was that they joined the Marines as sketch artists or something; besides Robin, I didn't expect us to have to deal with anyone from Baroque Works again unless—" I frowned heavily, then shook my head, refusing to consider that possibility. "No, I didn't expect us to have to deal with any of them again."

"Unless what, Cross?" Vivi asked with a frown.

I gritted my teeth and shook my head, doing my best to dispel the memories of poison and demons. "I—nothing, nothing. Totally unrelated at the moment, and with any luck, it won't ever become pertinent."

Vivi's tone was dry. "Something else you're trying to prevent that will inevitably go wrong anyway?"

And that was too much; as the outcome I feared most slammed into my mind's eye with all the force of one of Garp's punches, I snapped, pinning Vivi with a glare that promptly dispelled any exasperation she had, fear taking its place.

"Anything else, Vivi," I said, my voice cold. "Anything else, I'd let you joke about. But not our captain going through six different levels of Hell, alone, knocking on death's door at least five times, and having his brother die in his arms as a result of the exact shitshow that I described in my last broadcast. No honor, no glory, no good, just sheer death and stupidity, enough of it to affect events two years later with no sign of stopping." I blew out a heavy sigh as I released her and scratched beneath my cap, rerunning the future through my head a few times as I refreshed my memory on what was to come. "So, do me a favor, and don't even joke that despite my efforts to change things, all of that's still going to happen; I felt bad enough after the rebellion in Alabasta, how do you think I'm going to feel if I find out that I didn't stop the War of the Best?"

Vivi and Soundbite stared at me in abject shock, obviously trying to reconcile my tirade with, well… me.

"Holy shit, dude…" Soundbite breathed.

"Cross…" Vivi started slowly. "I-I'm so sorry, I never—!"

I cut her off with a raised hand and a tired sigh, my other hand coming up to pinch the bridge of my nose. "No, it's—it's fine. You didn't deserve that, that was on me. I… think I might be coming off of my adrenaline high is all, still a bit… a bit up there, you know? Sorry about all that."

Vivi chewed her cheek uncomfortably as she considered her next words. "Cross, you… never said anything about this before."

I shrugged, a bittersweet smile on my face. "You touched on a sensitive topic that I've been worrying about for a while. That's it. Normally, I can hide it better because, well…" My grin became much more honest. "We're part of the freaking Straw Hat Pirates. You've got to admit, it's… kind of hard to be in a bad mood around our crew, no?"

Vivi's worry promptly vanished as she smiled fondly at her memories. "Yeah… yeah, it really is."

I returned her smile and gave her shoulder a comforting pat. "There you go. Now, come on, let's go ahead and get back to the Merry before Carue starts panicking, or worse, Sanji gets back. If he gets back and finds that you and Nami aren't there, he'll try and send out the hounds, and I doubt that Lassoo will be willing to comply."

"HA!" Soundbite barked as I started walking along the boardwalk, and Vivi chuckled as well as she followed me.

For a mercy, the walk back was fully uneventful besides the typical din and carnage that Mock Town was known for spilling out once or twice into the outskirts. When we reached the Merry, however, a very unexpected sight greeted us. Unexpected enough that it took about a minute after arriving for me to form words.

"Vivi…" I started slowly, not even remotely able to believe my eyes. "Can you see any head wounds on me? Any lumps or obvious gashes or…?"

"No…" Vivi breathed in the same incredulous tone.

"Ah…" I nodded slowly. "So… I am not hallucinating the small mob of K.O.'d thugs and pirates surrounding our ship?"

"I think IT'S MORE LIKELY THAT we're ALL HALLUCINATING," Soundbite chimed in, equally incredulous. "This place IS rotting, there COULD BE FUMES."

"LIKE HELL THIS IS A HALLUCINATION!"

Our attention was snapped up to the Merry's crow's nest, where Usopp had popped up and was trying to incinerate me with the force of his glare.

"Usopp?!" I sputtered in confusion. "Did-did you do this!?"

"OF COURSE I DID!" our sniper yelled, flailing his arms furiously. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO SHOOT ANYONE WHO TRIED TO COME UP! WHAT, DID YOU NOT HAVE FAITH IN ME TO ACTUALLY DO IT?!"

"Well, it's not like ya did it all by yerself."

Vivi and I turned to see Lassoo in his hybrid form dragging a very big and very unconscious thug out of an alleyway by his ankle, said thug being covered in bite marks and his jaws set in a massively satisfied grin. "Hey, Cross, Vivi, Soundbite! Nice day, huh? I know that I've been having a good one! Nothing like a good old-fashioned brawl to make you feel alive!"

"YOU DIDN'T DO ANY MORE THAN I DID, MUTT!"

"LIKE HELL I DIDN'T, LONG-NOSE!" Lassoo barked back at Usopp with equal venom.

Turning back to the mob, I took the chance to notice that Usopp wasn't, strictly speaking, wrong. Some of them, maybe a third of them, were sporting either bite marks or injuries consistent with explosions. Another third seemed almost unmarked but for a few well-placed welts focused at critical points on their bodies. The final third…

"Well, Usopp, I guess next time you won't complain about just having Mikey, Donny, Leo, and Lassoo if this is any indication of what you're all capable of," I managed, taking in the very distinct bruises and shallow lacerations that decorated a number of the aggressors.

"What were these people even trying to do here, anyway?!" Vivi practically shrieked, obviously still shellshocked by the sheer number of unconscious thugs and criminals surrounding us.

Usopp maintained his glaring contest with Lassoo for a moment longer before snorting and folding his arms. "They were trying to get onboard the Merry. No clue why, but that was all I needed to see."

Lassoo huffed in turn, turning an evil eye on the thugs scattered around us. "I know why they're here: you don't need an issued poster to hold a bounty. Chances are that they saw the emblem on the sails and wanted to catch whoever they could in order to drag them to the nearest Marine base and sell them for as much as they could get."

"Ulp…" Soundbite and I swallowed in sync, my hand rubbing unconsciously at my throat. I then shook my head to try and dispel the gruesome thoughts. "S-Still, Usopp, this is pretty damn impressive. Have you been practicing?"

Usopp blinked in surprise before sagging in exhaustion. "Well, of course I've been practicing! Slacking off when there are only three monsters is reasonable enough, but doing it when there are four and the fourth's students just makes you feel pathetic!" He then promptly perked up visibly, shoving his thumb at himself with a grin. "Looks like it was a good idea! None of them were a match for the Great Sniper Usopp! Hahahaha—!"

"Hey, Usopp?" Vivi called up hesitantly. "Where are the Teenage… uh…?"

"TEENAGE DUGONG WARRIOR SQUAD!" Soundbite eagerly provided.

"Right, them. Well, where are the ones who stayed behind?"

Usopp hesitated before shooting an uneasy glance down at the waters of the harbor. "Ah… I saw them a few minutes ago. They went into the water to deal with a… stronger variety of thugs."

I felt a bad feeling settle into the pit of my stomach as I eyed the deceptively calm waters. "When you say stronger…"

CRUNCH!

Right on cue, a very battered and very tooth-filled head slammed through the boardwalk from beneath, groaning and lolling about in agony.

I blinked in shock before slowly kneeling down and examining the head of what had to be a piranha fishman. "Ah, that kind of stronger…" I nodded absently.

It wasn't my fault that I was so distracted, really. After all, this was the first time in my life that I'd ever met a fully non-human being! Dorry and Brogy didn't count because they were pretty much super-sized humans, and Chopper's Devil Fruit explicitly had the word 'Human' in it! But this… this was something else.

Once anew, Oda's prodigious artwork had failed to do reality justice. Up close, I could see even more distinct differences between fishmen and humans than I'd thought were present: sure, their skin looked like it was merely oddly colored, but the truth was that they didn't actually have skin at all. Fishmen had scales covering their bodies instead of an epidermis, which gave their bodies extremely alien-looking rippling effects when they moved. Their skeletal structure was off, too; humanoid, but the cheekbones, collarbone, nasal passage… it was just a bit warped, favoring them more towards fish.

Now, while absolutely nothing could excuse the monstrous treatment favored upon fishmen at Sabaody, I couldn't honestly say that I didn't see where it came from. So close to human but far enough to cause discomfort, wariness… Uncanny Valley, in its purest, most undiluted form. Honestly, even I felt a bit uncomfortable looking at the senseless being before me. It was fast-receding as I familiarized myself with the differences, remembered the fact that they did have a society, but if I hadn't had the knowledge I did, if someone had taken that discomfort and not taken the time to temper it… well. I'd seen the effects, and I did not want to think about it any more than I had to.

Shaking my head, I turned my attention to the coalescing bubbles on the water's surface a foot or two from the edge of the dock. Without warning, the surface of the water erupted, spitting a flailing, long-limbed fishman into the air. If the guy's long, tooth-filled snout was anything to go by, this one was a barracuda. I had just enough time to process that before two of the Dugongs—Donny and Mikey, judging from the weapons and bandannas—leaped out of the water with just as much speed, rising to the fishman's altitude before slamming their weapons against his skull, sending him crashing into the boardwalk. The two landed as if they were cats rather than turtle-seals, staring at the fishman for a few seconds before relaxing as they saw that he wasn't likely to get up anytime soon.

"Boss was right," Donny said with a tired but satisfied grin. "If this is any indication of what our fights will be like from now on, we'll be twice as strong as we were when we left Alabasta within a couple of months, easy."

"Let's just hope that Boss is satisfied with that," Mikey groaned, albeit with a matching expression. "I wouldn't put it past him to try doubling our training regimen just so we can keep up with him and Sanji."

"Hey, better him than Zoro, that jackass is sadistic," I pointed out, drawing their attention to me. "By the way, where's Leo?"

The answer came a moment later, the hard way, as a third fishman blasted out of the water. This one was a mako shark: smaller in stature than the other two, but the fact that he was holding a struggling Leo's skull in his grip showed that he made up for that with strength and ferocity. Mikey and Donny visibly tensed at seeing one of their own subdued, even as the shark-fishman tossed Leo at them so hard he bounced and was left dizzied as he tried to push himself to his tail. The two untouched dugongs had just enough time to snap their weapons into ready positions before the fishman lunged at them—

THUNK!

And got knocked off-course by a thick and heavy cargo hook connected to a sturdy length of rope cracking into the side of his skull and sending him tumbling down the boardwalk.

We stared after the fishman in shock for a moment before a proud, firm "Ahem" drew our attention to the other side of the dock.

Boss was patiently tapping his tail against the boardwalk as he rewound his newfound weapon back into his arms, glaring frigid murder at the mako-fishman all the while. "What," he started slowly, his voice promising pain to come. "The blue hell. Do you think you're doing. To my student?"

The mako-fishman shook his head as he got his bearings back and clawed his way to his hands and knees, glaring right back at Boss with a disjointed and dizzy glare of his own. "You mangy little—!"

"Actually, on second thought, you know what?" Boss interrupted without warning. "I really don't give a damn. Prepare to eat fist, fishface."

The fishman tried to climb to his feet, only for Boss to lash his fin out and send the hook shooting out to hit him again, this time on the knee. Everyone present flinched at the sound of snapping cartilage, and the fishman went down, clutching the joint.

"Y-You'll pay for this!" he howled at the dugong.

"Not likely," Boss scoffed, spinning his hook for a moment before flinging it at the fishman anew, only this time it lashed around the guy's leg instead. The fishman had just enough time to widen his eyes in terror before Boss yanked on his weapon's rope, sending him flying into the air. The second his opponent was in the air, Boss leaped up after him, meeting him in the middle fist-first and slamming him into the boardwalk.

Then, still at the apex of his jump, Boss spun on an axis, winding his rope back up and jerking the fishman back into striking range. He then struck him again, only this time he hit the fishman upwards while he himself launched himself down to the planks. The second he touched down, he yanked on the rope of his weapon and jerked the fishman back towards him.

Once he was half a foot above him, Boss snapped his fist out and smashed it into the small of the bastard's back, bending him around his fist and leaving him T.K.O., bloody foam bubbling around his teeth in a show of complete and utter defeat.

"Half-Shell Style," Boss proclaimed tonelessly.

He pumped his arm and tossed the fishman up a bit before leaping and spinning so that his tail slammed into his body, sending his defeated opponent skipping across the water of the harbor. And right into—and through—the side of the New Witch's Tongue for good measure.

"Barracuda Barrage."

"GO, BOSS, GO!" his students cried eagerly as they pumped their fists, though Leo's show of support was still a bit shaky.

The rest of us were too busy gawking at the display of sheer kickass to say anything.

"HOLY shite."

Well, much of anything, at any rate.

"I'm with the snail, that was impressive…" Lassoo whistled lowly.

"Call me crazy, but I think our Monster Trio just got upped to a freaking quartet," I breathed.

Vivi looked at me in shock. "C-Come on, he's strong but he's not that strong!…r-right?"

"Eh, not quite, milady."

"GAH!" I jerked in surprise before snapping my gaze around. "Sanji, Raphey! When did you get back?!"

"Just in time to watch Boss lay down that utterly righteous beatdown!" Raphey grinned eagerly, carrying a bundle almost five times her body weight on her back. "The shopping trip was great too! Turns out that balancing delicate ingredients while beating down muggers is a fantastic training exercise! Who knew, huh?"

"Hmph! Just what I'd expect from my student," Boss grunted, waddling up to her and Sanji. "And unfortunately, Your Highness, I have to agree with Sanji; I'm good, sure…" He huffed out a heavy cloud of smoke. "But the past few days with you guys have really put things in perspective for me. I've got a ways to go before I can match any of our top three." He then grinned from ear to ear and stabbed his cigar at Sanji. "But that sure the heck doesn't mean that I'm gonna stop trying! After all, to reach for the top of the world no matter what…" He jabbed his cigar towards the sky triumphantly. "Is that not the most basic of all Man's Romances!?"

"GO, BOSS, GO!" his students cheered in unison, this time without any hint of hesitation whatsoever.

Boss maintained his stance for a moment before lowering his arm and chewing on his cigar with a worried expression. "Why do I get the strange feeling that I've been outshone…" he muttered to himself.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!"

I shrugged with a snicker as I turned to address the source of the very familiar screech. "Oh, you know, morons lined up, morons got beaten down, we showed off our badassery, you know how it—WHAT THE HECK!?" My words and amusement proceeded to die a very violent death as I was confronted with the sight of Luffy and Zoro looking like they'd come out of ten rounds with, well… each other! "The hell happened to you two!?"

Nami cast a vicious glare at our impassive superiors. "For some reason that I cannot fathom, Luffy decided to do nothing to fight back against a pirate crew that mocked and provoked them, and ordered Zoro to do the same thing." The moment she caught sight of my eyes widening in shock, she lurched forwards and grabbed my collar. "YOU KNEW!?"

"Knew, but didn't expect, I swear to God!" I waved my hands frantically. "Damn it, so that's why the bar looked a bit beat up. Why the hell did you guys ask about Sky Island!? I got Masira's help specifically so we could try and avoid this!"

Nami abruptly released me and turned away, her fingers digging into her upper arms. "…I wanted some kind of backup plan in case your plan blew up in our faces again?" she replied quietly.

I opened my mouth to object to that, then closed it. "Harsh… but fair," I muttered, before turning back towards the Merry. "Usopp!"

"Already on it, Cross!" Usopp called back, deploying the gangplank.

"And where's Chopper?" Nami demanded irately. "We need him to patch up these morons, ASAP!"

Vivi blinked, then started glancing around in worry. "Wait, now that you mention it, where's Carue!?"

Soundbite crossed his eyes momentarily before adopting a nervous expression. "Awe you sure dat dis iz a good idea?"

He then took on a much more manic expression. "Do not question my genius! This is better than a mere 'good idea'; there is actually a small but fascinating chance of this actually working!"

"And that's the sign to DUCK AND COVER!" I yelped, throwing myself to the dock in a panic. A motion which was promptly imitated by everyone else, with Raphey hefting her bag and flinging it up high and Usopp performing an impressive dive into the water. And not a moment too soon.

BOOM!

On account of how the walls of Merry's storeroom suddenly bulged outwards and the portholes shattered, pink smoke billowing out of the jagged holes left behind.

A few moments later, Chopper and Carue staggered up to the Merry's railing, coughing their lungs out.

"It wo~orked…" Chopper sang blearily as he held up a vial of bubbling pink something.

"Somebody save me fwom dis maniac…" Carue moaned.

My eye twitched a bit as I glared up at Chopper. "I think we're going to need to have a talk with Chopper about when and where is appropriate for him to perform his more, ah, volatile experiments. Any thoughts, Nami?" I waited for a bit before frowning at the lack of response. "Nami?" I turned to look at our navigator, promptly paling in horror. "Uh-oh."

I could see an aura of rage surrounding her, and the enraged expression on her face was outright possessed. I scrambled to my feet and moved a safe distance away, as did everyone else nearby, instinctively recognizing the coming explosion.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

And there it was. Only… unlike all the times I'd heard it before, this scream of rage… just wasn't funny.

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH A GROUP OF IDIOTS ON A DAILY BASIS, THAT I HAVE TO DRAG THEIR ASSES BACK HERE AFTER ANOTHER ONE OF MY STUPID CAPTAIN'S STUPID WHIMS, THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE KIND OF CONDESCENDING PIRATES THAT MADE ME HATE EVERY OTHER CREW IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT NOW I CAN'T EVEN RELY ON HAVING A MOMENT OF PEACE, QUIET, AND STABILITY ON OUR OWN SHIP! GRAGH! FUCK THIS ALL, I AM DONE!"

As soon as she finished her rant, she started storming towards the Merry.

It was at that point that yet another familiar face made their presence known at just the wrong time.

"Ah, Miss Navig—!"

"CRAM IT, DEMON-BITCH!" Nami snarled in Robin's face without pausing. To my astonishment, Robin actually reeled back, her eyes wide with shock.

Nami then stomped up the gangplank, and how the wood kept from cracking I have no idea. She stalked straight towards the wreck of the storeroom, and I swear that when she slammed the door, I could see beads of sweat on Merry's figurehead.

Silence reigned as everyone just gaped in shock… until Chopper broke it.

"Well, that was something. Hmm… ah, Sanji! Just the man I was looking for! See, I have some theories about calming pies—"

THWACK!

"OW! Thanks, Robin."

"Not a problem, Mister Doctor."

"OH, hey!" Soundbite perked up as he twisted his eyestalks to look out at a part of the harbor. "Masira found his crew! THEY'RE ON THEIR way!"

That snapped my focus back to the present, prompting me to clap my hands to grab everyone's attention. "Alright, that was all a bit nuts, I know, but for now it looks like it's time we got going! Luffy, Zoro, go and get yourselves patched up by Chopper. Chopper, don't perform any unnecessary surgery—!"

"Awww…"

THWACK!

"OW! Thanks, Carue."

"Oh, no, anytime, I'm happy to help, bewieve you me," the duck grumbled.

"Usopp, get back onboard and start repairing whatever the hell it is that Chopper did—!"

"I recommend a gas mask… and maybe a lead apron."

"… Right, as I said. Robin, help him out, God knows that you're capable of it, and Sanji… ah, did the food survive?"

Raphey and Boss stuck their flippers up in the air. The student shot a quizzical look at her master, before paling as the bag she'd thrown up landed in his grasp.

Sanji's eye visibly twitched for a moment before he sighed out a cloud of smoke. "Yeah, we're good on that front."

"Alright, perfect, start unloading. TDWS, you'll help me man the sails and get us going while Vivi—"

"No, I'll help get us out of port," Vivi cut me off. "You are going to go after Nami—not the time, Sanji," she said as she put her finger up in the love-cook's face before he could do more than open his mouth. "And you are going to talk her off of a ledge, though I seriously hope that I am using hyperbole in this case."

I blinked. "Wai—But why me? You're the friend she's not ticked at!"

"But you're the one who understands the situation," Vivi explained patiently. "You know how to calm her down, and before you even think about forgetting it, you're her friend, period. If it helps, think of it this way: you got her into this mess, you get her out. Alright?"

I sighed. "Fine, I'll do it as soon as Usopp and Robin have got the storage room aired out. That should give her enough time to calm down and listen instead of just biting off my head… which in this case probably isn't hyperbole."

"That's MY job!"

"Alright, then, everyone!" Vivi clapped her hands firmly. "Let's get going to see the man who'll help us sail to the sky!" She stayed strong for a moment before slumping forwards with a groan. "I cannot believe I just said that with a straight face…"

"Hey, who's the captain here?" Luffy whined petulantly as he slouched towards the gangplank.

I snorted as I walked up beside him and tapped the brim of his hat down over his eyes. "You, but we give the orders ninety percent of the time. But then, we always do the ten percent you tell us to do, no matter how ridiculous, while you rarely, if ever, listen to what we tell you to do, so it all balances out."

Luffy scrunched his face up as he tried to puzzle that out before grinning his usual grin. "Oh, that makes sense."

"No, you're just a dumbass," Zoro sighed with a grin as he walked up from behind us.

"I know, but that's why I've got you guys, right?"

Zoro and I twitched and exchanged looks before blushing and giving Luffy a dual dopeslap. "Shut up, moron," we chorused.

"Shishishishi!"

-o-

The next few minutes were a bit frantic as we got the Merry going and things underway, but ultimately, I wound up standing over the trap door to the women's room with Vivi at my side.

I gave Vivi a nervous look. "Last chance to step up and take my place?"

The princess smiled beatifically as she gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Let me give you the same advice Igaram always gave my father in private whenever he was mustering up the courage to talk to my mother after he angered her."

I perked up curiously. "And that advice would be…?"

Vivi's expression fell flat. "Grow a pair."

My face fell equally flat. "May I remind you that she scared Robin? Only a handful of things have ever done that, and the least threatening of them was about 20 million volts of lightning being thrown at her."

Vivi's response was to stab her finger at the trap door without changing her expression.

Well, there was only one response to that. "Aye-aye, ma'am…" I muttered despondently, working open the door and slowly climbing down the stairs.

Nami lay on the couch, not even looking up as I came in, slumped halfway over the piece of furniture with a bottle of something in her hand held above her head, its half-drunk contents idly swirling above like a twisted liquid mobile.

I stood silent for a moment, unsure of what to say. Soundbite, meanwhile, made the executive decision to cough nice and loudly in order to draw her attention.

Nami spared me a disinterested glance and held it for what felt like minutes before slowly straightening up so that she was sitting in a slouched position, the bottle held hanging between her legs.

I tentatively took the invitation for what it was, making my way to the couch and sitting down next to her, hands clasped in my lap.

On any other day, I'd have mused over the fact that this was the first couch I'd sat on since I'd arrived in this world, but now just wasn't the time.

For the longest time, we sat in silence, me unsure of what to say and her unwilling to say anything.

Finally, Nami sighed and raised her bottle, tapping it against her forehead. "Do you know how I got my tolerance to alcohol, Cross?"

I glanced at her in confusion before slowly shaking my head. "I'm well-informed, Nami, not omniscient. I only saw enough of… that time to know it was hell. Few to no details."

Nami pursed her lips before slowly nodding in understanding. "Right… well, let me break it down for you: after I got a taste of alcohol, I got a taste for it, because on those nights alone, in my map room, when I lay awake just waiting for the sun to come up, it took the pain away. It took the memories away. For a few, short minutes other than when I woke up in the morning, I could forget that my mother was gone and that my life was a living hell. And for a while… it worked."

Nami snorted darkly as she shook the bottle again. "Until it didn't. As time passed and I grew older, it took more and more for me to manage to forget. Eventually, it got to the point where the costs were nearly outstripping what I was bringing in, and I just couldn't let that stand. So I made the executive decision to stop, and I forged on dry."

Nami chuckled darkly as she held the bottle out and slowly inverted it, allowing the alcohol to drain out onto the carpet without a care in the world. "What I'm trying to get at, Cross," she continued in a black-humor kind of tone. "Is that it's not that I'm good at holding in my booze… it's that I can't get drunk anymore, period." She shook her head with a dry laugh. "And right now, for the first time since Luffy beat Arlong, I'm regretting that. Right now, I want nothing more than to be able to forget."

I swallowed heavily, trying to find the right words. "Nami—"

Nami slammed the bottle onto the table bottom-first, though thankfully it didn't shatter. "WHY DIDN'T THEY FIGHT BACK, CROSS?!" she yelled without looking at me, her glare focused dead ahead the whole time. "THEY COULD HAVE KICKED THEIR ASSES WITHOUT ANY PROBLEM, THEY COULD HAVE WON! I WAS BEGGING THEM TO FIGHT, BUT THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

I flinched in face of her rage, biting my lip in an effort to stay silent. I thought long and hard about what to say, and eventually, I knew how to do it.

"Nami…" I started slowly. "Do you know who gave Luffy his hat?"

The navigator twitched and spared me a vicious glance for a moment before looking ahead again. "Some pirate named Shanks…" she muttered.

I sighed and shook my head. "No, not just some pirate named Shanks, Nami. The pirate named Shanks." I rolled my eyes with another sigh at the confused look she shot me. "Nami, in the second half of the Grand Line, the really strong half of it, there are four pirates that are acknowledged as ruling the seas, capable of equaling the Seven Warlords and the Marines—together—on their own. These pirates are known as the Four Emperors: Edward 'Whitebeard' Newgate, 'Big Mom' Charlotte Linlin, Kaido of the Beasts… and 'Red-Haired' Shanks." I chuckled at Nami's absolutely poleaxed expression. "Yeah, shocked me too. Seriously, you wouldn't know it from looking at the guy, or his crew, for that matter."

Nami gaped at me a second longer before swallowing and steeling her jaw. "And this matters because…?"

"It matters because of the events that occurred about a day or two before Shanks gave Luffy his hat ten years ago. The events that set… everything in motion. That started everything." I took a deep breath as I began to explain. "It was just another ordinary day in Luffy's village, with Shanks and his crew drinking their hearts out at the local bar and Luffy, this little three-foot nothing punk of a toddler, begging Shanks to take him out to sea with him despite the fact that he couldn't swim worth a damn. And this was even before he swallowed the Gum-Gum Fruit, mind you!"

"Snrk!" I was gratified to see Nami snort with laughter, in spite of her mood.

"Yeah, well, the day went shitty real fast. The doors to the bar were kicked in and in came strolling this dumbass band of mountain bandits, all raucous and rowdy and larger than life. Their leader, some moron whose name I can't even remember, was proud of the fact that his bounty was, get this, eight million berries big. Complete and utter blowhard. So, anyway, the guy strolls up to the bar with an attitude bigger than a blowfish and he demanded a drink. The problem, however, is that Shanks and his crew had already bought up all the booze and literally drained the place dry. But still, gentleman that he is half the time, Shanks was a good sport and offered the leader a bottle of good booze. And you know what that bandit leader's reaction was?"

"They shared a drink?" Nami asked sarcastically, obviously dreading the answer.

"Close… he used his forearm to break the bottle and soak Shanks with the booze."

Nami gurgled in shock, obviously unable to believe her ears. "Holy shit… And at the time, Shanks was—?"

"He was undoubtedly an Emperor at the time, yes," I nodded in confirmation. "And you know what his reaction was to this no-name bandit leader spitting in the face of his generosity and openly assaulting him like that?"

The navigator swallowed heavily in anticipation. "… As they say in the West Blue, 'chunky salsa'?"

I chuckled and shook my head slowly. "Shanks got down off his stool, still dripping with alcohol, and started picking up the pieces of the bottle, asking the bartender if she had a mop."

Nami's expression froze in one of sheer disbelief. "…eh?"

"The bandit leader then proceeded to add insult to prior insult by sweeping his blade across the bar and knocking all of the dishes onto Shanks. Shanks' reaction was to just sit there and take it. Neither he nor his crew did anything to the bandits as they walked out. And once they were gone…" I spread my hands in a shrug. "They started to laugh. Every last member of his crew, Shanks included, started to laugh, without so much as a single. Care. In the world."

Nami took a moment to pick up her jaw before she responded. "Wh-why in the blue hell would they do that!? Why would he just sit there and take that kind of crap!? If Shanks is as strong as you say he is, then he could have killed that bandit with one hand, with one finger even!"

"Which is exactly why he didn't!" I interjected, jabbing my finger at her.

"What are you—!?"

"Do you think that there was even a second where Shanks didn't want to knock that bastard's head off for what he did?" I demanded. "That there was a moment where he didn't want to wring his neck like a chicken? That there was even a fraction of an instant where Luffy and Zoro didn't want to absolutely let loose and tear Bellamy, hell, this whole island a new one?"

"I-I, I… I don't…" Nami stammered, obviously deep in thought.

"When those bastards hit them," I started slowly, filling my words with hard conviction. "When those lowlife scumbags decided to use Shanks and Luffy and Zoro as punching bags, those three had two very clearly defined choices. Two paths that they could take. One was to retaliate: to strike back, to lash out with their anger, and to not stop until everything around them was rubble. And the other… was to take it. To keep their mouths shut, and win without saying so much as a word or lifting a finger."

I sighed as I saw the confusion in Nami's eyes. "They chose to bottle it all up. Their rage, their anger, their pain, their outrage… they took it all, every last bit of it, and they leashed it. They chained it up deep inside, and no matter how hard they got hit, no matter how much their rage struggled, they kept it in. You've seen Luffy and Zoro when they were angry, Nami. You saw them when they were pissed. Can you imagine the sheer force of will it took for them to take all of that abuse, the whole of that beating, and not even so much as cry out?"

"I…" Nami started before I interrupted her.

"Do you think that any of those wounds they got are going to scar? That they'll be traumatized from this experience, or hell, that they'll even really remember it all that clearly a week or so from now?"

"I… no, no I… I doubt it…"

"See, the thing is, Nami, you're looking at this the wrong way." I held my fist up before her. "Those jackasses didn't win because they beat the crap out of Luffy and Zoro." I clapped my other hand over my fist. "They lost because they put their all into trying to break those two, into trying to leave some kind of lasting imprint on our lives, and they failed. Miserably." I spread my hands apart. "The truth of the matter is that it will always take more strength to keep from fighting than it does to actually fight. And whoever can successfully display that strength when the time calls for it… that's who'll win, without a doubt."

Nami slowly nodded, though her face turned into a frown. "Alright, I get that… but…" She clenched her hands together, her fingers digging into her palms. "What about the rest of them? They… they laughed at me, Cross. To my face. I felt like an idiot! It… it was just so…" Her face flushed miserably. "Humiliating…"

I had only one reaction to that.

I snorted derisively. "So?"

Nami snapped her gaze up at me in shock. "Cross—!"

"Nami, can you describe any of those bastards beside Bellamy or Sarquiss to me?"

That brought her up short, causing her to blink in confusion. "What—? No, but—"

"Can you name any of them? Tell me what they were wearing, what the color of their hair was, anything actually distinctive about them?"

"No! I can't, alright? I don't remember!"

"So, you can't remember them at all, nothing distinctive, nothing that grabbed your attention."

"Yes! Exactly!"

"So, if you can't remember anything about them, if they weren't distinctive, then why do they matter to you so much?"

"THEY DON'T!" Nami finally burst out, flinging her hands up in exasperation. "They don't matter, not even a bit! They were a bunch of nobodies! Thugs, strangers, jack—!…asses…" she trailed off as realization swept over her.

I nodded as I patted her shoulder comfortingly. "They. Don't. Matter. They weren't your friends, they weren't your families, they were nobodies. Morons laughing at something they couldn't even begin to understand, laughing at someone lightyears ahead of them in intellect due to their sheer ignorance. Jackasses like them? Fuck 'em. They're not important. Let them laugh themselves silly, let them swim in their too-small pond in their too-small world. Meanwhile, we'll be out there, sailing the oceans and having adventures greater than most people can even dream of."

Nami heaved a shuddering breath as she hunched forwards, tears shining in her eyes as she held her hands over her mouth. "They don't matter…" she repeated almost euphorically.

I watched her for a moment before deciding to bring it all home. "Hey, Nami," I started slowly, keeping a grin nice and restrained on my face. "Would it help at all if I told you I sicced a homicidal otter on Bellamy and then broke Sarquiss' nose and knife with a seashell and snail?"

"TRUE STORY!" Soundbite provided eagerly.

That did it. Nami hiccuped out a bark of laughter before flinging herself at me, throwing her arms around my neck as she buried her face in my shoulder, simultaneously laughing and sobbing her heart out.

"There, there, that's it, let it aaaaall out…" I breathed as I rubbed her back comfortingly. "Dooon't worry, you'll be back to your usual, bitchy, hard-ass self in no time, I promise."

"Dumbass…" Nami hiccuped joyfully, pressing her smile into my shoulder. "Stupid, big-mouthed dumbass…"

"And I'm proud of it, to boot, how's that for a kicker?"

Nami's laughter redoubled.

I was prepared to hang in there for as long as it took, to ride out her emotions in silence. Then Soundbite tensed up and glanced upwards fearfully. "Oh, no…"

I looked at him in confusion. "What? What's wro—?"

Without any warning, rhyme, or reason whatsoever, the air was filled with the voices of not one, not two, but three monkeys, all working together… to sing.

"Ohhh~! The islands in the south are warm~! And their heads get really hot~!"

Soundbite promptly shot back into his shell with a wail, and both my and Nami's faces grew ashen.

"They grow-a pineapples, they grow-a coconuts, and they're morons~!"

"Want to guzzle booze like there's no tomorrow and try and amp up your alcohol tolerance a bit?" I breathed in horror.

"~Hmmm, hmmmm~ Next verse!"

"Fuck, yes," Nami gargled in agreement.

We dove for the room's liquor cabinet before we were forced to suffer any further.

-o-

Ultimately, nobody onboard had enough energy to try shutting them up, too busy keeping the boat on track to the other side of the island and trying to keep their ears plugged up. I swear, I was severely tempted to turn Chopper loose on them to find out how it was scientifically possible for such discord to exist, and that temptation just kept growing as they crescendoed. Ultimately, however, Soundbite broke before I did, and chose to retaliate by filling the air with the most horrific noise he could possibly come up with.

Turns out that the audio version of 'Two Girls One Cup' is just as disgusting as the video itself. Who'd have thunk it?

At this point, alcohol wasn't going to cut it. We needed steel wool and bleach, applied directly to the brain. And my willpower to keep Chopper from going mad with the urge to come up with something was running out fast. Fortunately, the sight of a castle awaiting us on the nearby coast heralded our arrival at our destination, and I got no small amount of laughter at seeing the Kiddie Trio and the TDWS react to seeing the other side. With Shoujou and Masira beside us and Chopper forewarned, when Montblanc Cricket emerged from the water, we managed both to avoid a fight and to keep the man from passing out before he could learn what we had come for.

That was the point where he told us about his ancestor, the City of Gold, how he came to the island, and how he met the two monkey brothers. After Luffy reiterated his desire to visit the Sky Island, Cricket told us about the Cumuloregalis cloud and the Knock-Up Stream, ending with confirming that it was scheduled to occur again at noon the following day, much to the horror of some of the crew. My assurance that we would most likely (we had outsiders listening, after all) be alright only slightly mollified them.

Still, though, I did take this opportunity to speak up and make some measure of difference.

"Say, Cricket…" I started slowly, as though the idea were just occurring to me. "The Knock-Up Stream is an ocean current, right? Chances are it won't blast up all that close to Jaya itself, so… how are we supposed to find it, exactly? I mean, we could try using one of the brothers' eternal poses, I guess, but that seems unreliable at best."

"Yeah, no, we would get eviscerated," Nami cheerfully informed me. "In ten seconds flat. Eight for the sea to monologue in its own special way, one to laugh at us, and one to do the actual eviscerating."

"CALLBACK!" Soundbite sang gleefully.

"Yeah, yeah…" I muttered darkly. Cricket ignored this exchange in favor of considering my words and telling us about the South Bird. After hearing the explanation, Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper sped off into the forest to find one before the rest of us could object.

"Oh, don't worry, they'll be back soon," Cricket interjected when he caught Vivi's worried expression. "But they won't be happy about it, that's for sure. I made the mistake of going into that jungle once before, never made it again. Those birds are devilish."

"Robin or Soundbite would probably have an easy time of it with their powers," I added, smirking. "But for anyone else, it'd be easier to burn down the forest than catch one of those birds. After all, the forest practically fights for them!"

"Damn it, Luffy!" Zoro snapped as he leaped to his feet. "Come on, duck! You're coming with me!"

"QUACK!?" Carue squawked incredulously. "Why da hell do I haff ta go!?"

"Because if the mosshead gets lost in there, his natural instincts will kick in and we'll never see him again," Sanji explained matter-of-factly. "Then to whom would I feed all the ingredients that were past due?"

"Me." Lassoo raised his paw lazily.

"Yo," Soundbite concurred.

"Well, that backfired on me…" Sanji sighed. "But, yes, without someone to hold his hand, the poor marimo will get lost."

"You want a fight, cook?" Zoro growled, unsheathing one of his swords.

"Actually," Leo piped up, approaching Zoro and unsheathing his own katana. "Since we have almost a day before we leave, I'd like to try fighting with you, to see how I can improve."

Zoro's anger vanished, and he instead adopted a much more fearsome expression. "Oh, now you're talking. I haven't had a good spar with another swordsman since… since…" Zoro trailed off and his grin faded as he stared into the air.

I frowned as I started counting on my fingers. "Mr. 1 didn't count, you stomped Tashigi once and wussed out of fighting her again, Hachi didn't even scratch you, you got your ass handed to you by Mihawk, the Meowban brothers were idiots, Cabaji was more parlor tricks than swordplay… wow, you haven't had a good old-fashioned equal swordfight since you met Luffy, if that."

Zoro's expression was carefully blank, and it remained that way, even as he undid his bandana from his arm, tied it around his head, and clenched Wado Ichimonji between his teeth. "You. Me. Outside. Now," he growled at Leo before turning around and stalking outside in a manner that was more animal than human.

Leo sat frozen in his spot for a moment before slowly turning to face me, his eye twitching viciously. "Thank you. So much. You bastard."

"Hey, you asked for it, Leo," Boss said firmly. "And there's nobody better suited to help you with your style; even I have to admit I'm not good with swords."

"I wanted a sparring match, not a slaughter!" Leo hysterically protested.

"We shall pray for you," Mikey, Donny, and Raphey chorused as they clasped their flippers and bowed their heads.

"THAT'S NOT HELPING!"

"LEO," the voice of evil echoed throughout the cabin, freezing us all in terror.

"I'm gonna diiiie…" the dugong moaned, drawing his katanas and trailing them in the ground as he slinked out the door.

Moments later, the sound of a two-man war erupted.

"Thinking about it, we could all do with some training right now," Boss finally said, locking eyes with Sanji. "What say you and I settle that little 'Monster Quartet' discussion our friends were having earlier, hm? 'Sides, I need to break in my new weapon." He patted the makeshift rope-dart slung around his body. "That little minnow back at Mock Town barely even worked me up a sweat."

Sanji blinked in surprise before taking his cigarette and tapping the ash off into a nearby ashtray. "Turtle soup or blubber nuggets… decisions, decisions, decisions." He pressed the cigarette out before lighting himself a new one with a grin. "Let's find out, shall we?"

And with that, they too made their way outside. A few moments of (relative) silence passed before Nami let out a sigh.

"I cannot believe I'm doing this… Donny, how good are you with that staff? Weather control is all well and good, but I'd… really like to brush up on my bojutsu. I think I've let myself slip too much for comfort."

The purple-clad Dugong perked up before rubbing his chin in thought. "Hm… helping you relearn and enhance your bojutsu skills… I suppose that could be as much an educational experience for me as it would be for you. Alright, then!" He whipped his staff out and touted it proudly. "Let's do it! Ah, but ah…" He winced and started sweating fearfully as a thought struck him. "Somewhere where Sanji can't see us? I have no death wishes, you see…"

Nami chuckled in agreement as she re-assembled her Clima-Tact and extended it to its fullest length. "Yeah, yeah, fair enough. And don't worry, I'll protect you if he tries anything. Worst case scenario… itadakimasu."

"Oh, God, I'm gonna diiiie…" Donny groaned as the two staff fighters exited.

Vivi stared after them for a moment before looking at Carue. "I… I think that Usopp put the finishing touches on our weapons before Luffy and the Saruyama Brothers started… urgh." She shuddered briefly before shaking it off. "Anyways, I think that I know where they are. Do you want me to find them so that we can test them out?"

Carue hesitated for the slightest of moments before steeling his beak and nodding firmly. "I'm in."

Vivi smiled gratefully before looking at Mikey and Raphey. "Would you mind helping us? I need to get accustomed to the new size and weight and Carue needs to learn how to fight at all…?"

Raphey and Mikey looked at one another before shrugging in synch.

"Kicking a princess's ass without getting yelled at? Sounds fun to me!" Mikey snickered.

"I've laid the smackdown on almost a dozen different body-types today, might as well add 'feathered' to that list while I'm at it," Raphey smirked.

They then knocked their forearms together and grinned at the duck and the royal. "We're in."

Vivi and Carue's enthusiasm died a swift death, terror taking its place. "I… might have made a slight mistake..." Vivi whimpered.

"We'we gonna diiiie…" Carue agreed as both he and her tromped outside, followed closely by their eager opponents.

Robin, Soundbite, and I just laughed.

"So, what about the rest of you?" Cricket asked.

Robin hummed contemplatively as she stroked her chin in thought before nodding. "I believe it might be best if I exercised a bit. Best to always keep in shape, after all." She then leaned back in her seat, opened Noland's logbook in her lap, and started reading it.

I gave her a flat look. "Robin, exercising the mind is important too, but—!" I trailed off as I noticed her glancing up at me before the penny dropped. "Son of a bitch, that is cheating."

"In your own words, 'Pi~ra~te'," Robin sing-sang with a smirk.

"HE LAST SAID that back in the dungeons of Alubarna!" Soundbite squawked in horror.

Robin's response was to hum a jaunty tune to herself as she turned a page.

Rather than dwell on horror on just what the hell Robin was capable of, I instead chose to shoot a pleading look at Shoujou. "So, Shoujou, I hear you're good with sonic attacks!"

The orangutan-like man blinked in surprise. "How'd you hear about that?"

I froze as I noticed Robin studying me discreetly. "Ah… Masira told us about you?"

"Huh?" The gorilla tilted his head in confusion. "No, I didn't."

"Uh…" I swallowed desperately. "Yes, you did, you just forgot?"

"Oh, then I guess I did tell you!"

God bless the idiots. Shoujou glanced at his brother before shrugging. "Well, yeah, I am; they don't call me Sonar King Shoujou for nothing. Why do you ask?"

"Well, Soundbite's capable of more than just ventriloquism, and we're trying to work out some more offensive techniques for him," I explained. "And we already do have a good attack, mind you, but, well…" I looked over at Cricket. "Got anything you wouldn't mind us breaking?"

The freediver shrugged and tossed a spare log at me, which I then placed on the ground outside of the window and put Soundbite on the side of it. "Alright, everyone, duck and cover and Gastro-Blast!"

"Snap-CRACKLE-POP!"

I winced as an almighty BANG! rang out from outside, like a log snapping in a fire times ten. I leaned back out the window and picked up both Soundbite and the eviscerated remains of the log, showing them off to the stunned members of the Saruyama alliance.

"So, yeah, Gastro-Blast is the only directly offensive technique we've got, and it's ranked as 'hyper-lethal'. The next best technique he has is Gastro-Phony, which just causes extreme nausea. We need to haul this technique back so that it's in the middle: harmful, but not guaranteed to literally turn our enemies into a fine paste."

Shoujou scratched his beard thoughtfully for a moment before nodding. "Yes… Yes, I do believe that I can help your snail. No guarantees, but I'll certainly try."

"Perfect!" I grinned as I lobbed Soundbite at him. "He's all yours."

"Be gentle," Soundbite whimpered in his best 'angelic' voice, eyes all watery and everything.

"Awww…" Shoujou cooed.

"By the way, did you guys catch my broadcast earlier about the World Government's penal system?" I asked in a loud, deadpan tone.

"BAHAHAHA—!" Soundbite barked before he could help it, rapidly shifting to an annoyed expression. "AH, DAMN IT!"

"Give him hell, Shoujou," I requested in a deadpan.

The orangutan-man saluted as he ducked out of the house. "Will do."

"TRAITORS! ALL OF you, traitors!"

"WELL!" Masira huffed as he stretched his arms as far above his head as he could manage in the house. "I'm going to go and get my guys to get started on renovating your ship. The Knock-Up Stream isn't the kind of thing where there's an upper limit on reinforcement, you know!"

"And I'll just stay here and rest," Lassoo concluded with a wide-mouthed yawn.

"Actually, you're going to go full-gun," I ordered.

"Hm?" Lassoo cracked an eye open in curiosity. "And why would I do that?"

I grinned as I flexed my right arm. "Because I need to get used to carrying around a half-ton badass cannon, of course."

That got a reaction out of Lassoo, prompting him to leap to his paws with his tongue lolling out eagerly. "Oh, heck yes! Finally! No more walking around for me!"

"Well, maybe one day," I warned him. "I still need to get used to your weight and all, you know. Maybe someday, but for now, I just need to get to the point where I can carry you without worry, alright? And I suggest you take the time to practice swapping your roulette around while in full-weapon, too."

"Yeah yeah yeah, whatever, come on, let's do this already!" Lassoo woofed eagerly before snapping into his full-weapon form.

I eyed the bulky and slightly unwieldy form for a second before glancing at Cricket. "Do you have any rope, or—?"

-o-

I jogged somewhat strained laps around the shoreline, Lassoo hanging on my back via the rope that I'd lashed around both his muzzle and his butt. While I'd certainly managed to make some impressive progress on my own muscle tone and stamina, there was still a freaking limit, and Lassoo lay a good few feet beyond that limit. Still, I persevered, running with the dog-cannon strapped to my back in an effort to even marginally acclimate myself to his weight. At least the burn I felt in my legs and my back meant that it was working.

And I was far from the only one feeling the burn.

The first group I passed was Boss and Sanji doing their level best to kick each other's teeth in. The dugong's rope-dart was nearly a blur, but it was obvious he didn't quite have control of it yet. Well, not quite obvious, mostly just little wobbles and grimaces when it didn't hit quite where he wanted it to. And Sanji was capitalizing on that unfamiliarity, smoothly evading binds, knocking away the head, and pressing the attack himself.

I moved on, knowing that getting involved in the crossfire of that fight would see me spitting out all my teeth.

The next group I saw consisted of Raphey and Mikey slowly circling around Vivi and Carue. The princess was riding on her faithful friend and mount, and both she and Carue were sporting their brand-new armaments, courtesy of the Usopp Factory and the metal provided to us by the harpoons of the Black Cage Formation.

Vivi had traded up from her Peacock String Slashers, and was now sporting some serious hardware: two kusarigama-sized weapons with crescent-shaped blades attached to the shafts of the weapon by the center of their arcs, both with thin links of steel trailing out of their pommels and into her sleeves. Or, for the uninitiated, a pair of double-bladed hand-scythes attached to a chain. Vivi was holding one of the weapons by the hilt, while she spun the other by its chain.

Carue, on the other hand, had chosen to armor up in a rather impressive manner. His wings had been kitted out with sheets of welded metal so that the outer side presented a relatively flexible and mobile shield, and the leading edge sported a somewhat segmented blade, so that his wings were both metal-clad and fully mobile. His talons were equally protected, strapped with metal claw-like extensions that were effective as well as menacing.

I had just finished taking this all in when the dugongs attacked. Carue's feet pitter-pattered on the ground as he whirled around to let Vivi meet the attacks, and quite frankly, the degree of coordination the two were displaying was astounding. I could only catch the barest of movements on Vivi's part whenever Carue changed direction, and then only half the time. The duck was dashing this way and that on the battlefield and making the term 'greased lightning' an actual thing. Vivi, for her part, was twirling her weapons in what was basically a small radius of what would have been instant death… if not for some issues.

You see, they would have made quite the pair of combatants, were it not for their lack of experience with their weapons. Any slashes or swings Carue made with his wings or talons, though fast, were clumsy and thus easily avoided or deflected. And while Vivi had some skill with using chained weaponry, she'd just traded up to a larger weight-class and balance and so was having a difficult time coercing her weapons to move with the grace and elegance she'd had before.

Mikey and Raphey, on the other hand, were almost the exact opposite: a well-oiled machine in both teamwork and combat, despite the usual nature of their relationships. Any opening either of them showed, the other covered, and any opening that either of them managed to open, the other exploited. They were a flurry of CQC melee, and even if they were a bit weaker out of the water, I don't doubt that Carue's speed was the only thing keeping him and Vivi from being easily overwhelmed.

The fight seemed relatively even at first, the royal pair incapable of matching the dugongs and the dugongs incapable of keeping up...

Until Carue suddenly ran the wrong way.

I was ready to start laughing at the classic screw-up, when Carue suddenly turned on a dime and blurred, literally running circles around the pair. Mikey and Raphey glanced around in confusion until Vivi's scythe lashed at Mikey with transonic speed, which he barely deflected, and Carue lunged at Raphey with his talons outstretched, nearly running her down.

By the time I moved on, the two had fallen back to back and were keeping a very close track of just where Carue and Vivi were.

My introduction to Zoro and Leo's spar came in the form of Leo slamming into a tree not three feet in front of me. He immediately shrugged off the impact and ducked behind said tree just as Zoro bull-rushed his way out of the undergrowth. With one quick slash, Leo cut down the tree he was hiding behind and let it fall towards Zoro.

The look on his face when Zoro promptly turned the trunk into so many wooden cubes was absolutely priceless.

Sadly, I didn't get much more of the fight. Leo was sent stumbling back from the next slash Zoro laid into him, and the fight continued in the underbrush. Once again, I had no desire to get involved. Losing teeth was bad enough, but getting caught in this crossfire almost certainly meant losing limbs.

Just out of sight of Boss and Sanji's brawl was perhaps the most subdued of the fights: Nami and Donny were exchanging blows quickly, but they seemed to be stopping every couple of minutes for Donny to give Nami advice on her technique. It was slow going, but I could already see some definite improvements on Nami's part. She wasn't an expert, no, but she was swinging her Clima-Tact around with both newfound confidence and agility, and I could tell that Donny was thoroughly enjoying himself. I was surprised momentarily that the Clima-Tact was holding up so well. At least, up until I remembered who I was talking about. It would take a lot more than simple brute force to break one of Usopp's toys.

Soundbite and Shoujou were sitting together at the stone table outside of Cricket's house, with Shoujou watching with crossed arms and Soundbite perched on one of a variety of stones that they had set up. Soundbite closed his eyes and concentrated intently, before the rock beneath him shattered into fragments. Shoujou shook his head and explained something to Soundbite, who nodded in agreement before sloooowly sliding his way over to the next stone. This one also shattered, but the fragments were bigger this time, so at least there was an improvement.

And finally, around the other side of the house, a dozen disembodied arms were either independently taking turns lifting moderately sized stones and passing them around in a concerted show of teamwork, or joining together to work as one to lift boulders. I observed them for a few seconds before shrugging; cheating though I thought it may be, I couldn't deny that it was a creative use of Devil Fruit powers. Though, I did have to wonder just how much effort Robin was actually putting in.

After a few more laps around the coast, my screaming legs and back and shoulders told me that my body had had enough of lugging around my relatively new weapon and I made the decision to take a short break. So I made my over to the treeline, unslung Lassoo, and sank to the ground, praying for some measure of life to return to my limbs.

"Sweet shit, are you heavy, Lassoo..." I groaned painfully. "I don't suppose that you'd be open to going on a diet for a few… kilos?"

"Screw you, Cross," Lassoo huffed as he went back to his hybrid form and shook himself out. "And damn, I never thought I'd miss these kind of cramps. It's actually comforting."

"Yeah, well, don't get used to it just yet," I rolled my eyes and arms simultaneously. "Everything from my dogs up are barking up a storm, so I will not be carrying you around and using you to blast Marines like a badass, Commando-style."

Lassoo rolled his eyes as he cracked his neck side to side. "Yeah, that sounded like a reference, and Soundbite is the one who gets those, not me. Oh, and by the way? Duck."

"Wha—?"

CRACK!

"GAH!" I yelped in panic as something—no, someone smashed through the trunk of the tree above me and bounced on the ground a few times before rolling to a stop.

That someone promptly sat up ten seconds later and blinked in oblivious surprise. "Man, those birds are mean. And the bugs are almost as tough as the ones back home, too! Never thought a rhinoceros beetle could fly and hit as fast a real rhino."

My eye twitched as I took in my uninjured captain before flopping to the ground with a groan. "Damn it, Luffy…"

"Our thoughts exactly…" Chopper groaned.

I took one look at him and Usopp and recoiled in shock… and disgust. "Sweet shit, guys! What the hell happened to you!?"

"Literal shit…" Usopp groused with a grimace. "They make dung beetles big around here..."

"Eesh…" Lassoo groaned as he covered his nose with his paws. "You two smell bad enough that I pity you, and that's saying something!" He then grinned and settled down into the grass. "Heh, that image is gonna help me sleep well. G'night!" Seconds later, his snores were rippling the grass.

"Damn mutt…" Usopp grumbled darkly.

"Damn mutt that can kick your ass…"

"WHAT WAS THAT!?"

The only response the sniper got was a loud snore.

"Hey, guys! It looks like we're going to need some help catching the South Bird! Everyone get ready—"

"Hold it, Captain," I interrupted firmly. "I'll handle this. Hey, Shoujou!" I yelled at the orangutan-man as I held my hand up. "Snail me!" A checker-patterned snail slapped into my palm a second later, which I then placed on my shoulder. "Enjoy your flight?"

"GNARLY, DUDE!" Soundbite cackled, his eyestalks spinning a bit as he emerged from his shell.

"Glad to hear it! Now, how do you feel about handling a little…" I pounded my fist into my hand. "Negotiation?"

"LOVE TO!" Soundbite directed his attention at the green hell we were standing on the border to. "HEY, jerkwads! HAND OVER one of the FEATHER-RATS or prepare to suffer!"

Our response was a barely-dodged dungball the size of my head and a lot of buzzing-chirping-"CHO CHO CHO~!"ing

"Translation?" I requested flatly.

"They're laughing at us," Soundbite explained in an equally neutral tone.

Three seconds later, the buzzes, chirps, and "CHO!"s renewed, along with a lot of moving foliage.

"And now they're NOT," Soundbite smirked sadistically.

"Niiiiice," I drew out with an equally vicious grin.

"So are you sure this is going to work, or—?" Usopp started hesitantly.

FWUMP-FWUMP!

We all blinked in surprise as not one, but two hogtied and struggling toucan-like avians were tossed at our feet.

"Withdrawn," Usopp finally managed to get out.

"The hell—?" I started in confusion before being interrupted by a stupidly familiar voice.

"HEY, JERKWADS!"

We all snapped our gazes upwards, where a third South Bird was keeping himself aloft. Furthermore, going by the markings on his beak, he was the original South Bird that we would have made use of!

"You guys want a South Bird to guide you?" he sneered as he waved a wing at his bound compatriots. "Go ahead and take two! These guys are completely and utterly bazonkers! Just take them, get the hell out of our jungle, stay out, and cut the freaking racket, will ya!?"

Soundbite's grin didn't even shift. "DONE!"

"Great! Welp, I'm out of here! See ya never, suckers! Hahahahaaaa!" And with that, the South Bird flapped back into the jungle and out of sight.

I could only gape after it for a few moments before I heard the unmistakable sound of a large amount of fauna moving away from the nearby foliage and back into the jungle. Finally, I looked at Soundbite incredulously.

"Gilbert. Gottfried. Really?"

"Trust me, it gets better!" Soundbite snickered eagerly. "UNTIE THEIR BEAKS!"

I gave Soundbite a disbelieving look before gesturing at Chopper, who slowly unwound the vines from the South Birds' beaks.

"This is all your fault," the right-hand bird said at the one on the left in a stupidly familiar, smooth, and calm baritone.

"NO, IT'S YOUR FAULT!" the left-hand bird retorted in an equally stupidly familiar, if much more macho and hammy, voice. "YOU JUST CAN'T ACCEPT THAT MY TRIBE IS THE BEST THERE IS IN THE FOREST! I'VE SAID IT A HUNDRED TIMES: JOIN BEAR GLOOOOOVE!"

"Never," the other bird replied concisely and calmly. "The Swagger Tribe will forever hold dominance over the meatheads of Bear Glove due to the sheer lustre of our feathers, and the awe-inspiring beauty of our beaks. If anyone is to swap tribes, you should join Swagger."

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"Swagger."

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"Stop it."

"NEVER!"

I twitched furiously as the two avians went back and forth. "What. The. Fuck."

"I'm not even changing what they're SAYING!" Soundbite whispered reverently. "THIS IS AAAALL natural."

"Kill me now," I groaned under my breath.

"Later," Soundbite half-hissed in a German accent, half-cackled madly.

I then raised my voice and pointed at the South Birds, who I was steadfastly refusing to mentally refer to as Terry and Isaiah oh dammit. "Tie them up and put them on the Merry. We'll deal with this new fresh hell of madness at some other point in time."

"I've got it," Usopp offered, promptly silencing and picking up the struggling South Birds. "I was heading back to the Merry anyways. There are some, ah… " Usopp's expression became slightly uneasy. "Things I need to look into…"

I frowned in thought; he had finished with the weapons by now, so what did that—? Oh, no…

"…Is Merry doing alright, Usopp?" I asked quietly.

He looked back at me with a forced smile. "Oh, she's taken a bit of a beating, but she's doing fine. I just need to patch her up some more; Masira and Shoujou should be able to help me, so no worries!" He didn't give me time to voice my own worries before hightailing it back towards the ship, the Old Spice duo—no, the two South Birds—in tow. I shook my head grimly; there wasn't anything I could do at this stage… I think… I'd have to wait until Merry's Klabautermann showed up to find out just how bad things were. Hopefully, my intervention had changed things enough that she'd make it to the miracle-working city of Water 7, but… well, we'd see.

Shaking off my recent thoughts, depressing and exhausting as they both were, I turned my attention to the other two crewmates present. "Soooo…what about the two of you?"

"I'm gonna go and make more of the stuff that blew up the storeroom!" Chopper raised his hoof eagerly before freezing in thought. "Wait… let me rephrase that."

"Please do," I demanded with a glare and crossed arms.

"Right, right, hang on…" Chopper slid his backpack off and dug through it for a bit before holding up a vial of what I could only assume was bubbly pink death. "This is what I've been developing: hexanitro quadrifluoride, though I call it Cherry Blossom Blast. It's a somewhat volatile chemical agent that reacts… somewhat violently when exposed to oxygen following an excessive amount of blunt force."

I slowly pinched the bridge of my nose. "So, you mean to tell me that you used your newfound Mad-Scientist-Grade intellect to develop home-cooked nitroglycerine?"

"Psh, nitroglycerine wishes it was as badass as my—!"

"CHOPPER!"

"I need artillery, alright?!" Chopper demanded as he flailed his arms desperately. "Strength and wrestling and close-quarters combat are all well and good, but I need to balance my skillset if I want to help contribute to the crew! So, between this kind of ammunition and my inherited throwing skills, I'm hoping that—!"

"Wait, wait, wait," I waved my hands hastily. "'Inherited throwing skills'? What the hell are you—?"

"Oh, right, I forgot to tell you about this!" Chopper slapped his hoof to his forehead. "Well, you see—!"

"Hey, one question?"

"…yes, Luffy?"

"What's nitroglycerine? It sounds tasty!" The three of us spared him a shared flat look.

"Aaanyways…" Chopper started before grinning eagerly. "Watch this!"

"Watch wha—WHAT THE HELL!" I yelped in panic and waved my arms desperately as Chopper produced half a dozen scalpels from nowhere and drew his arms back. "Nononono—AGH!" I screeched as Chopper flung the surgical blades at me.

TH-TH-TH-THUNK!

Before blinking in confusion as I remained un-dissected. "What the hell—?"

"Whoooaaa…" Luffy breathed in awe.

"CROSS…" Soundbite breathed. "Turn around."

I promptly turned around, and gaped in awe as well.

The reason for my awe was that the last time I'd checked, there had most certainly not been a fuck-me-huge centipede pinned to the tree behind me by all six of Chopper's scalpels.

"What. The fuck?" I breathed in awe.

"Looks like the South Birds wanted revenge, huh?" Chopper snickered.

"CHOPPER!"

"I learned from Doctorine, duh!" the human-reindeer rolled his eyes. "Where do you think I learned how to throw like that?"

"My transforming-monster-doctor can throw stuff really good…" Luffy breathed with sparkling eyes. "My crew is the coolest ever!"

"Oh, shut up, you dumbass~! Like that would ever make me happy~!"

I blew out an exasperated sigh as I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Chopper, quit it. Luffy, while that statement is entirely accurate and very heartwarming, shut up, and back to Chopper, you mean to tell me that between teaching you all she knew about medicine, she also taught you how to throw knives like the KGB?!"

"What does Kyuka Grill and Barbeque have to do with knife-throwing?"

"To reiterate, shut up, Luffy," I jabbed at my captain before re-glaring at our doctor. "And Chopper?"

"No, Doctorine did not teach me how to throw," Chopper explained with a roll of his eyes before grinning victoriously. "I learned by un-suppressing all the memories I had of her throwing things at me and then examining her technique!"

Soundbite and I boggled at the Zoan-user in shock.

"Damn, dude," Soundbite whispered in awe.

"Wouldn't that be, like, beyond traumatizing for you!?" I questioned incredulously.

"It was!" Chopper grinned eagerly… his eye twitching furiously the entire time.

The resulting silence stretched out uncomfortably for about a minute or so until I slowly pointed towards the Merry. "So, yeeeaaah, how about you go ahead and start cooking up some more of the uber-nitro without blowing more holes in the Merry—!"

"The synthesizing process is completely safe, I swear, it was just my intellect-induced shortsightedness that prompted me to test the formula's effectiveness inside!" Chopper hastily reassured me.

"…right. So, you just… go ahead and do that, alright?"

"Can do!" the doctor saluted in agreement before trotting off.

"So, Cross, what's everyone up to?" Luffy asked though he seemed a little peeved after being ignored.

I briefly considered letting Luffy have it for his sheer degree of obliviousness, but then I gave up on account of how A. it would never have any lasting effect, and B. it was really more the result of a bunch of factors more than anything. "Eh, bunch of training exercises: Boss versus Sanji, Leo versus Zoro, Donny versus Nami, and Vivi and Carue versus Mikey and Raphey."

"COOL!" Luffy exclaimed, his annoyance gone… and then it was back. "Did I miss it?"

I looked back at the group, and it seemed that everyone was taking a break from sparring.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Luffy. We don't have to leave until morning, they'll probably be back at it in a little while. Meanwhile, why don't you go see what Masira's crew is doing for the Merry?"

Luffy adopted an eager expression for a moment, obviously ready and raring to give Masira a number of suggestions for 'improvements' to be made to our soon-to-be chicken-headed ship. To my surprise, though, he actually sobered up and shook his head.

"Actually, I have some training of my own that I need to take care of," Luffy said as he tilted his hat down over his eyes. "Fighting Crocodile, I get what you meant now when you talked about Devil Fruit powers, Cross. I need to get stronger, and I've got an idea that I want to test out."

I stared at Luffy in disbelief as I tried to process what I'd just heard. "… Okay, I'll bite. Bentham, how the hell and why did you manage to escape from Impel Down?"

"IT'S REALLY ME, DAMN IT! SEE!?" Luffy yanked his cheek out by a foot. "I CAN BE DEEP AND SMART AND STUFF TOO, YOU KNOW!"

"Yeah, once in a blue moon when pigs spontaneously grow wings and fly over a frozen hell…" I muttered. I regretted it seconds later on account of the pouty look Luffy gave me. "Alright, alright, bad joke, my bad. But seriously, though. If you want to go and train, that's fine. It's… admirable even, and I wish you the best of luck. Just…" I pointed at the Merry. "Go and grab your pipe if you're really dedicated to getting used to using it again? It can't hurt to train."

And just like that, Luffy's eager grin was back in place. "Great idea, Cross! Thanks!" And like that he was off.

I watched him leap on board the Merry before giving Soundbite a wide-eyed look. "Guess he's more than pure stupid and muscle, huh?"

"WHO'D have THOUGHT IT!" Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"Oh, hey, berries!" I suddenly heard him exclaim.

"Luffy, no, don't eat those!" Chopper called out. "I gathered those and set them aside because they're—!"

"Wow, they taste so good! And—!… aaargh, my stomach…"

"—poisonous. Dammit, Luffy—!"

We both glanced at each other before chuckling as hints of madness slipped into Chopper's outraged voice. "Okay, now that's more like the Luffy we know."

"Yeah, I WAS GETTING WORRIED THERE for a moment," Soundbite added. "NOW, LET'S go and GET SOME GRUB! I'm starving!"

"Yeah, yeah, I hear you," I nodded in agreement, walking back to the rest of the group and passing by Luffy as he ran down the coast. I watched him for a second before shrugging and accepting a bowl of Sanji-prepared soup from Vivi. "Thanks. And by the way, nice going with your weapons. You were quite impressive with them."

The princess smiled in agreement as she drew one of the hand-scythes and hefted it before me. "Thank you. Honestly, I'm quite pleased myself. I might have to relearn how to use these, but I'm certainly having an easier time of it than I did learning how to use my Peacock Slashers."

"Yeah, no impwomptu haiwcuts so faw!" Carue snickered into his own bowl, which evolved into full-blown cackling when Vivi reached over and slapped him upside the head.

"Oh, yeah, by the way, I've been meaning to ask," I noted as I pointed at the scythe. "Any ideas on what you're gonna call those?"

Vivi's expression sobered at my question. She stared at her weapon silently for a moment before tightening her grip on its hilt. "Lion Cutters," she declared, softly yet extremely firmly.

I sighed internally at her tone of voice before giving her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Your father… he'd be proud of how far you've come. You know that, right?"

Vivi pursed her lips before nodding sadly. "Yeah… I know." She gave me a slight smile. "Thanks, Cross."

I chuckled as I walked off. "Jeremiah Cross: Third Mate, Co-communications Officer, Tactician and therapist, that's me!"

I wandered around amidst our dining crewmates for a bit before pausing as one of them caught my eye. I smirked as I tapped Sanji's shoulder. "Reality's kinda harsh, ain't it?"

The cook blinked in confusion as he looked away from Cricket, who he'd been watching discretely while he ate. "Huh?"

"Well, I'm just saying," I shrugged matter-of-factly. "You said that you grew up listening to the story of Noland the Liar, so I can only imagine what it must be like to learn how that story affected the lives of people in the present."

Sanji started to shrug nonchalantly before… tensing for whatever reason.

I cocked my eyebrow at him. "Something up, Sanji?"

The chef shot a hesitant glance at me before taking a shaky drag from his cigarette. "Cross…" Sanji muttered almost inaudibly. "I've… been meaning to ask you this for a while now, but… how much do you know about… my past?"

"DA FUCK you on about, man?" Soundbite demanded incredulously.

"I'm with the snail, lover boy," I nodded in tentative agreement. "What brought this on?"

"I just…" Sanji ground his teeth uncomfortably as he shifted in place, glancing this way and that in a somewhat paranoid manner. "I wanna know how much you know about me, is all. There are… well, you should know better than anyone that most people have parts of their past they never want to come back to haunt them. So, I just want to know what parts of mine you know. That's all."

I eyed Sanji in confusion for a moment before stiffening as realization struck me like a lightning bolt. I then proceeded to roll my eyes with a sigh and pat his shoulder reassuringly. "Sanji, Sanji, Sanji…" I sighed with a shake of my head. "You should really realize by now that there is absolutely nothing in your past that can make us think less of you."

Sanji perked up slightly and gave me a hopeful look. "Yeah? You think so?"

"Of course!" I nodded in agreement as I started to walk away. "I mean, come on. I realize that the fact that you were a picky eater back when you were a dish-boy before Zeff attacked your ship might have been something you were ashamed of, but it's really nothing in the long run. I honestly doubt it can have any lasting effect on how the ladies see you. We all have those moments where we groan at just how stupid our younger selves were!" I glanced back at him with a smirk. "Right?"

Sanji stared at me for a second before shrugging. "Sure. Let's go with that." He then grinned in a cheeky manner. "To be honest, I was more worried about whether or not you'd seen me in my acne years!"

I took a moment to contemplate that statement before grinning like a maniac. "Oh, my God, that is the best image ever please tell me you had braces, too!"

"If you don't already know, then you're not finding out any time soon!" Sanji laughed.

"Aw, c'mon, Sanji! Teeeeeell meee!"

-o-

The rest of the day went by pretty normally. After we got some more training done, Luffy came back from whatever he was doing, and Masira and his crew finished reinforcing the Merry, inasmuch as they could (apparently, the chicken comb was a non-negotiable aspect of the upgrade), we reached the obvious conclusion of the day: we retired to Cricket's house and threw the absolute mother of all parties! It was a heck of a thing: food, more than a few drinks, music, the whole nine yards.

The inclusion of the dugongs meant that there was also more than a little brawling, resulting in Cricket getting somewhat pissed, but the fact that he was buzzed took the edge off his rage, and honestly, that would probably have happened anyway with the usual crew there.

The point at which things got really fun, however, was when Cricket noticed Robin reading a specific passage of Noland's logbook and started going on about the one topic guaranteed to garner everyone's attention: Gold.

Even I was spellbound by Cricket's tales of the lost city of Shandora. Sure, the conclusion might have been terrible for all, but the sheer amount of detail that Noland put into his logbook was astounding. If I hadn't been looking forward to the journey to Skypiea before, I sure as hell was now, if only to hear the sound of a bell that had left even a New World-capable adventurer in awe!

The best part of it all, however, was when Cricket showed us his pièces de résistance.

"Hot damn…" I whistled in awe as I inspected the golden rendition of a South Bird and the three ingots that went alongside it. "This is incredible, Cricket! Seriously, I imagine that treasure-hunters the world over would give an arm and a leg for a find like this!"

"Indeed, the resemblance is most impressive," came a familiar smooth voice. One of the South Birds had managed to get his beak free and was admiring the statue. "You can tell that it is a sculpture of a member of the Swagger tribe from the way its noble beak enhances the lustre of the gold a hundredfold, rendering it almost too glorious for man's eyes to behold."

"HA! AS IF!" the other South Bird roared, apparently snapping the binds on its beak with sheer strength alone. "THAT SCULPTURE MANAGED TO LAST OVER FOUR HUNDRED YEARS IN THE WATER WITHOUT EVEN A SCRATCH! ONLY BEAR GLOVE IS POWERFUL ENOUGH TO LAST THAT LONG!"

"Swagger."

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"Swagger."

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"WILL SOMEONE GAG THEM ALREADY!?"

"YOU CAN'T SILENCE THE SHEER POWER OF BEAR—MMPH!?"

"I don't see why you deem it necessary to silence me, for I am not—mmph…"

"Can we just leave one of them here?" Nami demanded tiredly.

"Which one?" Usopp asked.

"Swagger/Bear Glove," Zoro and Sanji chorused before looking at one another in shock. "Are you nuts?!"

"So, Cricket!" I loudly said in an effort to not think about the two birds that had Soundbite laughing like a maniac. "Have you actually told anybody about what you've found?"

"Psh, are you nuts?" the buzzed freediver scoffed. "Nobody trustworthy lives within a hundred miles of this house; if anyone found out about this stuff, I'd have to deal with every gold-lusting pirate in Mock Town coming after me. That's why I made sure that these two knew not to say jack!"

Shoujou was nodding in agreement, before joining Cricket in staring at Masira, who was sweating up a storm. "Brother…" the orangutan grit out slowly. "Is there something you want to tell us?"

"Ah… you said not to 'say' jack?" Masira poked his fingers together uncomfortably. "I thought you said not to say anything to Jack!"

Before the other two-thirds of the Saruyama Alliance could give the final third hell, we were interrupted by an annoyingly familiar laugh coming from outside. "HEY! OLD MAN CRICKET! I HEARD YOU FINALLY FOUND SOME GOLD, HUH? WHY DON'T YOU HAND IT OVER NICE AND PEACEFULLY? THAT WAY, WE WON'T HAVE TO KICK YOUR TEETH IN! HAHAHAHA!"

"You were saying something about gold-lusting pirates?" I said, rolling my eyes as I headed for the door.

"Hey, hold it, Cross, we can deal with—" Cricket began.

"Most of his crew, sure, but he has Devil Fruit powers. Now, please excuse me while I provoke him."

The rest of the crew got to their feet as I opened the door, plastering a grin on my face as I greeted the pirates. "Sorry, but we don't have any gold for spring-heeled dickweasels."

"YOU! YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Bellamy roared, his sadistically cheerful demeanor suddenly replaced by unamused fury.

"I never introduced myself, did I? Jeremiah Cross of the Straw Hat Pirates," I said with a salute. "And thanks for the save earlier."

Bellamy twitched furiously as he glared at me, emphasizing the new bandages he was sporting.

"You think we don't know who you are?" Sarquiss snarled, holding up the hilt of his blade. "A Transponder Snail with Devil Fruit powers is a pretty damn good giveaway. You owe me a new knife, and I think I'll take it out of that snail of yours."

"BITE ME!" Soundbite taunted. "YOU'RE BETTER OFF without that knife anyway! YOU NEEDED SOMETHING BIGGER TO compensate with!"

Several people behind me began laughing, and I swear that I saw some of Bellamy's crew stifling laughter, too, much to his ire.

In fact, I think that was his breaking point, as he immediately lived up to the first part of my nickname for him by shifting his feet into springs and launching himself at me. And did I mention that he was actually really frickin' fast when he did that?! Seriously, how Luffy was able to track this guy is beyond me. But the fact that he could is something I was immensely grateful for, as he managed to get in front of me and slug Bellamy in the schnoz before he could even get close.

The self-proclaimed hyena was flung back at his crew, resulting in a large pile of bodies.

Luffy looked back at me curiously. "What'd you do, Cross?"

"I sicced a homicidal otter on him," I said concisely before holding my hands up when Luffy frowned. "And before you say anything, while it was after he beat on you and Zoro, I had no idea that he'd done it at the time. He was just a convenient target."

Luffy smiled contentedly. "Oh, that's alright, then!"

"You… so, you can fight."

I looked with no small amount of surprise to see that Bellamy was still conscious, even if he was struggling to get up again. Then again, thinking about it, Luffy had put everything he had into the one punch that took him out last time, whereas this time he was still just an annoyance. The rest of his crew grimaced as they too got back on their feet, and Bellamy glared at Luffy.

"I guess you earned that ฿37 million bounty after all," he growled.

"…37 million?" I questioned.

"He remembered you saying his bounty increased sevenfold," Nami ground out.

THUNK!

I groaned as I ground my forehead into the doorframe of Cricket's hut. "Some days, Luffy, your stupidity causes me physical pain," I growled to myself before raising my voice. "The moron's bounty is 100 million, Bellamy, and Zoro's is 60. You really should try and keep up with the news."

"Actually, to be fair, the News Coos haven't come to this island since you started your show; their next delivery is later tonight," Masira contributed.

He promptly flinched back as I got up in his face, glaring certain death into his eyes.

"That's. Not. Helping," I growled through gritted teeth.

Despite his injuries and rage, Bellamy laughed. "HA! You expect me to believe that? Sure, he's got some fight in him, but I heard every broadcast of that SBS show you did, and if he's even half the moron you described, the chances of him actually getting a bounty that high are about the same as the odds of me becoming a bright-eyed dreamer like you!"

I blinked as I processed that statement. I then snapped my hand into a fist and stepped past Luffy, shooting a vicious grin at the opposing pirate captain. "Funny you should say that because, in my humble opinion, the odds of you being able to beat us are about the same as the odds of you ever getting so much as a shred of respect from the feathered jackass you're stupid enough to follow!"

As expected, Bellamy's expression twisted in fury and his legs compressed into springs. "SPRING—!"

I noticed Luffy starting to step around me, but I promptly stuck my hand out without ever breaking my glare. "Gastro-Phony," I ordered calmly, securing my headphones with my other hand.

Soundbite sneered viciously. "Roger-roger."

He had clearly gotten better with his control, judging from the fact that Luffy was unaffected. Bellamy's crew, on the other hand, fell to their knees the next moment, and began unloading their stomachs, while Bellamy himself apparently screwed up his takeoff; I didn't see how it happened, but the next thing I knew, he was plowed into the dirt about a foot in front of me, face-first. I approached and stared down at him impassively.

"You have real potential, Bellamy, and that's something you'll never hear Doflamingo tell you. If you ever change your outlook on life and decide to actually use what you've got, come find us. But for now, just remember that you lost to the weakest members of a crew filled with nothing but 'bright-eyed dreamers,' without giving them a single injury."

"Like… hell…" Bellamy snarled, struggling out of the earth. My expression didn't change as I took Soundbite off my shoulder and put him on Bellamy's back.

"Think you can leave him alive?" I asked tonelessly.

"He'll wish to hell I hadn't," Soundbite stated firmly.

"Then in that case… Gastro-Blast."

The Baby Transponder Snail bared his teeth in a snarl at Bellamy. "SUCK ON THIS, jackass."

Bellamy started to push himself up… and promptly froze, each and every muscle in his body tensing and locking up simultaneously. He wasn't even screaming, his mouth was just hanging open and allowing a scant few gargles to escape his throat with his eyes rolled up into his head. Finally, he choked up a mouthful of blood and fell back to the ground, his will collapsing from the agony.

Silence reigned as everyone stared at the unconscious pirate in shock.

I picked Soundbite up and placed him on my shoulder before dusting my hands off. "And that's how you be badass," I announced simply.

That managed to rouse Sarquiss from his shock, prompting him to laugh desperately. "H-hahaha, c-c'mon Bellamy! Very funny, I actually bought it for a second there! N-now come on, get up already! Kick this bastard's ass!"

An uncomfortable silence hung as Sarquiss panted desperately.

"Bellamy! BELLAMY, COME ON, T-THIS SHIT ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE! BELLAMY!"

I dug my foot under Bellamy's body and flipped him over, giving his unconscious form a faux-curious look before shaking my head at Sarquiss. "Yeah, no, he is not waking up anytime soon."

And that broke the camel's back. Sarquiss screamed like a madman, charging at me and swinging the broken hilt of his knife.

I tensed and moved my hand to grip my baton, but before I could draw it…

SLAM!

Luffy beat me to the punch. As in, he punched Sarquiss so hard that he literally flipped around the rubber-man's fist before landing flat on his back.

I blinked in surprise as I took in the beatdown before giving Luffy an admiring look. "Damn, dude."

Luffy snorted as he cracked his fists and gave Bellamy's crew a bone-chilling glare. "Don't touch my friends."

I chuckled as the poor jackasses cowered in terror, one of them even going so far as to faint, foaming at the mouth… though, really, I think that was more of a coincidence than anything. I then noticed that Sarquiss was still moving, if only a bit. Walking over to him, I knelt down over his prone form.

"Word to the wise," I informed him in a calm tone. "I might call my captain a moron, and that's because he really is one, but there's one fact you shouldn't overlook."

I grabbed him by the collar and hauled him up so that I could stick my snarling face in his insensate one. "He's the moron who can kick your ass!"

And with that, I hauled my fist back—

SLAM!

—and put him down for good.

I dusted my gauntlets off and stood up before waving at Bellamy's crew. "Hey, morons!"

Said morons both twitched in rage and shivered in terror, with the result that the looked like they had a split-second seizure.

I pointed at Bellamy and Sarquiss. "I'd suggest you hurry up and peel your friends off of the dirt and get back to Mock Town. Otherwise…" I jerked my head back at Cricket's cabin.

The pirates looked at where I'd indicated, and promptly paled as they caught sight of Zoro fingering his swords and Nami tapping her Clima-Tact on her shoulder.

"They'll get you next. Capiche?"

Over the next few seconds, I learned just how fast people could run when terrified for their lives.

The answer? Very fast.

-o-

Aside from the antics I'd come to expect from being a Straw Hat Pirate and from being involved with the Saruyama Alliance, the rest of the evening was uneventful. As dawn approached, however, a rather heated argument surfaced between the two saner members of the Monster Trio, each of which had one of the South Birds on their shoulders, about which bird we would leave behind.

"It's clear that we need someone more levelheaded and calm to help us navigate to the Knock-Up Stream; Nami-swan deals with loud-mouthed idiocy enough already," Sanji said calmly. "The Bear Glove moron stays behind."

"What we need is someone who has enough brawn to hold his own in a fight after we get up there; we have a snail that can hold his own, we don't need anyone who's good for nothing more than being a compass!" Zoro argued heatedly. "The Swagger moron stays behind."

"Bear Glove!"

"Swagger!"

"Bear Glove!"

"Swagger!"

SLAM-SLAM!

"WILL YOU IDIOTS GIVE IT A REST ALREADY?!" Nami yelled as she stood over the cook and First Mate's insensate forms. She huffed and pinched the bridge of her nose before waving her hand dismissively. "Here's what we're going to do: Zoro, if Bear Glove comes, he's your responsibility as much as Soundbite is for Cross, and Sanji, the same goes for Swagger. And until we reach the Knock-Up Stream, you two dipshits are going to take care of them and shut up, got it!?"

"Yes, ma'am…" the two groaned.

"Look at it this way, Nami!" I snickered. "So long as Zoro's carrying around a literal living compass, there's no way in hell he can ever get lost so bad again!"

"I am afraid that that statement is as inaccurate as saying that I am anything less than an object of grace and beauty," the Swagger Bird (and dear God, did I wish he'd chosen another name) crooned.

"Eh?"

"SOUTH BIRDS OF THE BEAR GLOVE TRIBE ARE TOO POWERFUL TO BE ENSLAVED BY SOMETHING AS PUNY AS THE PLANET'S MAGNETIC POLES!" the (Grooooan) Bear Glove Bird roared as he flexed his wings. "WE POINT OUR BEAKS WHICHEVER WAY WE WANT TO POINT THEM!"

"Alright, for the sake of being specific, you two are part of different tribes, obviously, but do you have names of your own?" Usopp asked curiously.

I began praying, for my poor, dying sanity…

"Yes, my name is Isaiah."

"AND I'M TERRY!"

And then I remembered exactly which divine force was hearing my prayers, and smacked myself.

But beyond that little sanity-destroying incident, with no absent Luffy hunting Hercules and atlas beetles and giving moron pirates dents in their skulls, we managed to set out to sea right on time. Granted, we had to rely on Isaiah's beak more than Terry's due to the Bear Glove Bird's tendency to swing it about this way and that without warning, but still, we managed to make decent headway.

Finally, after interminable minutes, we got a call from Masira's ship indicating that it was time.

I stared out at the horizon in awe. I'd seen huge storms before back in my old world, and I'd seen even bigger ones since I'd arrived in the Grand Line, but this… to see the sky just become engulfed with clouds, clouds large enough that they seemed to dwarf even the majesty of the Red Line… it was, quite simply, awe-inspiring.

Nami chewed her lip uncomfortably as she eyed the oncoming clouds alongside me. "It's huge… and early." She gave me a wary glance. "You're sure we'll make this on time?"

I nodded firmly. "It's gonna be rough, but it'll also be awesome as all heck, and we will make it." I then grimaced nervously. "Or at least we'd better, because if we miss this, then we'll have bigger things to worry about than Luffy being disappointed."

"What the heck are you—?"

"ALERT! MARINE BATTLESHIPS AT TEN O'CLOCK, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MAELSTROM!"

My eyes widened and I slapped a palm to my face; between the Unluckies, talking down Nami, and the training, I had completely forgotten about Tashigi's warning. When I lowered my palm, I noticed the vast majority of those onboard glaring at me… actually, everybody. Everybody was glaring daggers at me, even the freaking South Birds!

"Alright, before you say anything, let me just say that I have an absolutely ironclad defense," I hastily requested.

"What defense, Mister Jeremiah?" Vivi asked, her voice icy.

Soundbite and I shared terrified glances before plastering uneasy grins on our faces. "Tashigi did it?" we chorused uncomfortably.

"Explain," Nami ground out in a tone of forced calm.

I poked my fingers together sheepishly. "Sengoku mobilized a fleet after us, and she knew where our Log Pose would be pointing us next, so she supplied false information about where we'd be going, redirecting them to a backwater place that the Marines would never think to look… Jaya."

"…Wow," Nami deadpanned flatly. "Just… wow. Even when the Marines are on our side, they still manage to royally screw us over."

"Hey, look on the bright side!" I hastily interjected. "At least it happened now rather than on some other island where we didn't have an escape route pre-arranged! Right?"

The glares only softened somewhat.

"P-plus they're still heading straight towards Jaya, they may sail right past us and never know we're here?"

"THAT'S A NEGATIVE, THEY'RE SAILING RIGHT AT US!"

"…yeah, I got nothing."

"SON OF A—GAH!" Nami roared out in exasperation. "BOSS! YOU AND YOUR STUDENTS START TOWING, ASAP! MASIRA, SHOUJOU, THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP BUT WE'LL GO FROM HERE! IF THE MARINES CATCH SIGHT OF YOU WITH US, THEY'LL BLOW YOU TO SMITHEREENS!"

"SOUNDS GOOD TO ME!"

"GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!"

And with that, the Saruyama Alliance split off and started sailing back towards Jaya.

"COME ON, BOYS!" Boss roared as he grabbed a towline and stood on the Merry's railing. "LET'S SHOW THIS OCEAN WHO'S BOSS!"

"AYE-AYE, BOSS!" the rest of the Dugongs cried as they all leaped overboard.

"…Well!" I said, clapping my hands together. "Since we're heading into another near-death scrape before a big adventure, I'd say the time is ripe…" I dug my hand into my bag and drew out the mic with a grin. "For another SBS broadcast!"

-o-

"Testing, testing, one-two, one-two! Is this thing on?"

"I THINK SO! Whether it is or not is IRRELEVANT THOUGH!"

"And how's that?"

"BECAUSE I'm still starting THE SBS!"

"DAMN LITTLE—! Ergh, fine, whatever. One of these days…"

"Bam, pow, straight to the third moon of Endor!"

"Yes, that. But anyway, hello faithful viewers! Today, you find us scraping right next to the edge of death itself! How so, you might ask? Weeeeell, apparently someone in the Navy somehow found out that we picked up an Eternal Pose somewhere in an effort to evade the fleet that the esteemed Fleet Admiral Sengoku mobilized to capture us, and sent them straight for us!"

Ensign Tashigi's pupils shrank to pinpricks as she stared at the Transponder Snail before her in horror. "Cross, you son of a—!"

"Ensign."

The Marine's spine went ramrod straight in abject terror as she felt the presence of a great evil behind her.

"…meep."

-o-

"Still, it's not as bad as it sounds! Because you see, in the process of acquiring our Eternal Pose, we managed to discover an alternative route along which we can escape! Allow me to spell out the process through which we'll be pulling this whole thing off. First and foremost, we got our beloved ship, the Going Merry, reinforced while we were docked. Notably, these reinforcements centered around her keel."

"…And that matters because?" Hannyabal asked dryly.

"Now, now, be patient, Vice-Warden," Head Jailer Domino mused as she dug through one of the drawers of her desk, listening to the Video-Snail that was talking up in a corner of the room. "We both know how mad the Grand Line can be. I'm certain that there's an explanation."

"Hmph… fair enough. Say, what are you doing, anyway?"

"Getting my gas mask."

"Why do you need your—?"

PBBBHHHHT!

"AAAAAAGH! IT BURNS!"

"Because I remembered that today was Breakfast Burrito Tuesday. Good morning, Warden."

"Good morning to you as well, Domino. Hannyabal forgot the date again, hm?"

"He'll learn eventually, I'm certain."

"He'd better, otherwise he'll never survive long enough to become Warden."

-o-

"Second, while this might appear counterintuitive to most sane pirates and sailors, we are now headed straight towards a maelstrom we managed to locate moments ago. An interesting fact to note about this maelstrom is that A. it's absolutely massive, and B. it appeared mere moments ago!"

"Get to the point, already!" Perona screeched, her astral form waving back and forth impatiently.

"Kishishishishi!" the gargantuan form of Gecko Moria shuddered with laughter as he reclined on his most certainly not Emperor-sized bed. "Your ignorance is showing, Perona."

"What!?" the ghost-woman yelped, soaring into her captain's face. "What are you talking about!? All he said was that they're being morons and sailing towards their death!"

"Kishishishi, maybe," Moria nodded in agreement. "But I assure you, countless other people besides me have already realized what they're planning! This crew might be full of rookies, but damn if they aren't lucky! KISHISHISHISHI!"

"TALK SANE, ALREADY!"

"KISHISHISHISHI!"

-o-

"And finally, to complete our daring master escape… hold it… DAY HAS JUST TURNED TO NIGHT! HA! TIMED IT EXACTLY! BOOYAH!"

Sengoku paled considerably; he'd suspected it at the mention of the maelstrom, but he'd hoped

The Admiral of the World Government's Fleets scrambled for his Transponder Snail's mic and hastily dialed the lead captain of the task force he'd assembled, immensely grateful that the Snail Transceiver didn't shut down the capability to make calls on any snail but the one using it.

"Captain Very Good! You need to apprehend or sink the Straw Hats at once! They're trying to hitch a ride on a Knock-Up Stream! THEY'RE GOING TO ESCAPE INTO THE SKY! … NO, THE THIN AIR AT THE TOP OF MARINEFORD HAS NOT GOTTEN TO MY HEAD, JUST HURRY UP AND SINK THEM ALREADY!"

He slammed down the receiver, and then, feeling the familiar tremors, exited his office and made a beeline for Garp's to shut him up personally.

-o-

I cackled madly as the sound of cannonfire started to ring out over the roar of the world-class drain we were circling and plumes of water started sounding out around us. "Looks like the Marines have figured out what we're up to, and they're not happy with it! Stay tuned, viewers, because this madness is just getting started!"

"WE'RE GONNA DIIIIE!" Usopp and Carue cried as they desperately hugged Merry's mast.

"THIS HAD BETTER DAMN WELL WORK, CROSS!" Nami yowled as she barely restrained herself from throttling me by digging her fingernails into the railing.

"Happy-place-happy-place-happy-place!" Chopper whined on repeat as he rocked back and forth on the deck.

"I don't suppose there's any way to talk you out of this, Luffy!?" Vivi pleaded desperately from where she'd wound her arm into the Merry's rigging.

"Shishishi!" Luffy laughed from his special seat. "Why would I ever run from adventure!?"

"I was afraid you'd say that…" the princess sobbed desperately.

"If you're afraid now, your highness, then I'd recommend against looking overboard at this moment," Robin recommended.

"What are you—WAAAAAGH!" Vivi screeched in terror as the Merry flew over the lip of the maelstrom…

SPLASH!

"Huh?"

…and blinked in confusion as we landed in calm waters. "What the—?"

"Wait for it…" I muttered.

Boss and his students leaped onboard in a hurry, the senior dugong glancing over the edge nervously. "You're all gonna want to find something to hang on to!" he warned desperately.

"You know it's bad when he says it!" Leo warned.

"Wait for it…" I repeated, grinning like a loon as the waters started to swirl beneath us.

"HEY, STRAW HAT!"

I flinched as my good mood was killed by a sickeningly familiar voice breaking out across the water. "Ah, damn it…"

"Zoro," Luffy noted, pointing out away from where the Marine warships were starting to approach us.

We all turned to observe the oversized raft that was approaching us, bearing four of the deadliest pirates in this day and age on it.

"ZEHAHAHAHA! If it isn't Straw Hat Luffy! I've come all this way to collect on your 100 million beri bounty, so don't be shy!" a terrifying figure bellowed eagerly. "And I'm certain I can get something for your first and third mates, too! ZEHAHAHA!"

I grit my teeth as I stared at the pirates, knowing the kind of hell they were about to raise, the proposition Lafitte was making right this moment.

"Lassoo. Blow that raft to Kingdom Come," I bit out viciously.

"On it!" the dog-cannon growled as it got up on the railing and unloaded a barrage of baseballs on the raft.

BA-BA-BANG!

None of which made it, though, on account of Van Auger prematurely detonating them.

"Well, that's new…" Lassoo whistled.

"Cross?" Luffy questioned.

"…Remember Blackbeard, Luffy?" I growled. "The one who murdered Ace's crewmate? Who ravaged Drum Island? That's him."

"Uh, CROSS? You realize that this THING IS STILL ON, RIGHT?"

I snapped my attention back to the mic I was holding. "Ah."

Considering Luffy's darkening expression, I reluctantly acknowledged it as a good thing when the water beneath us began to bulge upwards. I looked towards the fat, hairy bastard, hating that I couldn't do anything about him here and now, but in the end, I decided that taunting the world was more important.

"Everyone, hold on to something! This is going to be crazier than Reverse Mountain! Now, allow me to explain what's about to happen, viewers!" I proclaimed as I slowly wound a rope around my arm. "Currently, our ship is stationed over the exact center of an oceanic event in the Grand Line known as the Knock-Up Stream! Think of it as a mid-ocean geyser, if you will!"

The ocean continued to bulge upwards as Blackbeard approached us.

"The Knock-Up Stream is a massively powerful event, capable of flinging ships this way and that and even annihilating them in a single massive blast! They'd usually mean certain death!"

The ocean bulged higher and higher still, like a balloon getting ready to burst, even as the Marine battleships advanced on us, the gunnery crews onboard lining up their cannons for a good shot.

"Were it not for the fact that dead above us is a singularly massive cloud formation known as the Cumuloregalis! It is capable of blotting out the sun because as unlikely as it may sound, the clouds that compose it… are solid! And thus, our escape route. With enemies on all sides, with no means of escape in the seas, we take the only option we have available to us!"

The ocean bulged higher and higher and higher, until…

"WE TURN OUR PROW UPWARDS! WE SAIL INTO THE SKY ITSELF!"

The ocean exploded.

KA-BLOOOOSH!

"PFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" I cackled madly, roaring with laughter over the screams of my crewmates as we soared upwards.

This… this was AMAZING! An explosion like no other, a rush of heat and wind and air, shoving us up towards the sky at velocities most likely only achievable via fricking rockets and re-entry…

It was perilous, it was maddening, and for a minute there it was seriously touch-and-go, but once our brilliant navigator got reacclimated to the change of axis and got her wits about her… it happened.

We were flying… we were flying into the sky! Defying all odds, defying nature and physics and rationality itself…

What else could I do but climb along the mast, perch myself on the flagpole…

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I LOVE YOU GUYS! I LOVE THIS CREW! PFAHAHAHAHA!"

And scream my exhilaration to the world?

"COWABUNGA, DUDES!" Soundbite cackled in agreement.

"PFHAHAHAHAHA! YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, FOLKS!" I roared into my mic as I jabbed a finger up at the ever-approaching clouds. "WE, THE STRAW HAT PIRATES, ARE SAILING INTO THE SKIES! WHAT ADVENTURES AWAIT US? WHAT LANDS WILL WE SEE? WILL I STILL BE ABLE TO BROADCAST FROM THE SKY!? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT ALL THIS AND MORE! BUT FOR NOW, THIS IS JEREMIAH CROSS!"

"AND SOUNDBITE!"

"OF THE SBS, SIGNING OFF!"

I rammed the mic back into its cradle and continued to laugh wildly as we flew onwards and upwards.

Every second brought us higher and higher, closer to the clouds, to the skies, to the Bell of Gold and the Land of God.

But more importantly… every second we flew…

Brought us closer to our next adventure!

The Patient One AN: Credit where credit is due: I submitted the idea of Terry Crews for the South Bird's voice… and Xomniac took the idea and ran with it. You see why it's his name on this.

CV12Hornet AN: Also, you better enjoy this, you would not believe how much trouble this chapter gave us!

Xomniac AN: Sorry this took so long, folks, but I assure you, what's to come next is sure to be something you'll like! If you thought we were blitzing the rails before…

Cross-Brain AN: You ain't seen nothing yet.