Xomniac AN: Hey CV, TPO, quick question for you two: what would you say is one of the most perfect examples of complete and utter pwnage in existence?
Hornet AN: Well, we showed one candidate back in Chapter 30.
Patient AN: Umm… upstaging Duncan and forcing him both to acknowledge us as worthy opponents and re-plan his own story back in Chapters 23 and 24?
Hornet AN: And then there's Quattro's expression at realizing that yes, Nanoha is about to blast through half a goddamn battleship to get to her.
Patient AN: Oh, I've never seen that show, but I've seen the picture on TV Tropes a few times.
Xomniac AN: Getting a bit off-topic here, but thankfully, I've found the most utterly perfect definition.
Hornet AN: Oh?
Patient AN: What would that be?
Xomniac AN: T-T-T-TRIPLE TAP, YA MOOKS!
Chapter 33
Cross-Brain AN: Did we say that we'd update again at the usual time? Yes. Did we say that we wouldn't update again before then? Not so much.
DAWN
-1 Hour Remains-
The Vice Admiral stared out of his office's window, patiently waiting as the horizon steadily lit up. The Straw Hats had been silent since they stole back their ship; he had, of course, mobilized troops to search the empty docks, but all of them had reported back in the negative. He was almost disappointed that the second half of the game was turning out so uneventfully. But he was certain that the Straw Hats had neither left the base nor surrendered the game, and that they would soon make their move to escape. He would very quickly come to regret that he was right.
"Jonathan," came an unmistakable voice from nowhere.
"Cross. Do you need anything? Besides a better sense of humor, of course."
"Hilarious. I wish we could stay around long enough to hear you on open-mic night," Cross deadpanned. "No, I just have a question for you. Would you care to hazard a guess as to why I'm no good at playing chess?"
Jonathan blinked in surprise and considered the question for a moment before glancing upwards in thought. "I'll be honest: for the life of me, I can't understand why. After all, for all that your tactics are unconventional, they do seem to be effective."
"It's actually quite easy, really: the rules."
"Ah…?" Jonathan trailed off in a confused tone.
"Oh, I understand the basic rules; who goes first, how the pieces move, things like that. But the fact remains that there's a million and one other rules and exceptions and whatnot to consider as well. Like it or not, chess is… controlled, regulated. Every strategy you come up with, every tactic and gambit, all has to adhere to the rules of the pieces and the board."
"And you don't like operating within the rules," the Vice Admiral divined, turning away from the window.
"Exactly. It's just too restricting for me, too hard to properly plan things out. Honestly, when it comes to playing games of strategy…"
KA-BOOM!
Jonathan spun around and stared out his window in shock as several explosions rocked Navarone, and plumes of off-color smoke began billowing out of the ring's various cannon-emplacements.
"I like to think that I shine best when I'm allowed to work outside the box. You know… to flip the board, if you will."
Jonathan swallowed heavily as he took in the scene of pandemonium unfolding before him. "What have you done, Cross?" he breathed numbly.
"Oh, nobody's dead, if that's what you're worried about. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about them if I were in your shoes. After all…"
KRA-BOOM!
Jonathan felt a ball of ice form in his stomach as another round of explosions suddenly went off from the other end of the base. He didn't even need to strain his ears to hear the storm of boots rushing towards his office.
"You're about to be very busy. Buckle up, Vice Admiral." Jonathan could practically hear the grin in Cross's voice. "This is the endgame."
-o-
Eleven Hours Earlier
"Alright, everyone, listen up," I said as I tapped my finger on the map Robin had provided. "The whole plan hinges on Jonathan not realizing how we plan on getting out of here until it's too late. The man's proven that he's a genius, so if he manages to get an inch, he'll be able to work things so that he can take a mile. So, step one is to take away his command of the fortress."
"And how are we supposed to do that?" Nami asked, frowning. "They've already taken precautions against Soundbite, and I doubt Jonathan will fall for another Gastro-Clone play, no matter how illogical you make it."
"No, no, no, the time for deception has passed," I replied. "In order to make him lose control of this place, all we have to do is make this place completely out of control. Overwhelm him with so many damage reports that even he can't concentrate."
"So… we split up and smash things?" Luffy asked.
"No, no, no, not at all," I waved my hand dismissively. "If we went out and just started smashing things, they'd know exactly where we were and they'd flood the area with soldiers. We've done good so far, but sooner or later we'd get overwhelmed if they brought their full might to bear. No, what we need to do is make everything go wrong at the exact same time. What we need…" I slammed my fist on the barrel. "Is sabotage."
"Oh, so we split up and smash specific things all at the same time," Luffy nodded. "Got it."
I blinked in surprise at how easily Luffy grasped that. "Well, that and set things up to blow up once we're good and ready, too, along with a few other things, but… yeah, basically." I promptly moved on. "The basic idea is to overload Jonathan with so many problems that he won't be able to identify and stop the important bits of what we'll be doing. That way, when he finally realizes our escape route, it'll be too late to stop us."
Everyone nodded in acceptance and understanding. "What exactly do you have in mind, Cross?" Boss asked gruffly.
"Weeell, for starters…" I turned my attention to our doctor. "Chopper, you've managed to concoct highly destructive explosives from scratch. Got any thoughts on making them messy instead?"
-o-
"Commander Jonathan!" cried several frantic soldiers, the only discernable words before they began yelling about various problems. Mentally groaning at the migraine this would cause, Jonathan raised a hand.
"One at a time," he ordered.
"Commander, the barracks have been compromised!" one soldier managed to get out. "The whole area has been covered with something like molasses!"
"T-The same thing happened in the armory! We can't get to our weapons! Not to mention a few dozen random corridors!"
"And the west cannons, too, bubbling out of the barrels! It's ridiculously thick, any attempts to move it just gets whatever we use stuck!"
"They also set off sulfur bombs in a lot of places, including where we were storing our gas masks! The smoke's so rancid that we can't even get close, no matter how thickly we cover our mouths and noses!"
Jonathan frowned as he processed the statements. "Alright, get a sample of it to Kobato, have her start analyzing it and see if she has any gas masks to—"
SLAM!
All attention snapped to the door when it was kicked open, and all movement froze when Jessica stalked in, looking fit to tear someone's head clean off.
-o-
I turned to Sanji as Chopper set to work scribbling down formulae and compounds in a notebook. "Now, in regards to the kitchen—"
"If you're going to ask me to try sabotaging their food, it's out of the question, Cross," Sanji cut me off, before smirking. "But I think that what I did earlier may have helped; those recipes I gave Jessica were specifically designed for difficult customers at the Baratie…"
-o-
Jonathan swallowed heavily as he tried to steady his nerves in the face of his advancing spouse. He was, to his credit, mostly successful. "Jessica? What did they do in the kitchens?" he asked nervously.
"Either Cross or Sanji had this planned from the start," Jessica ground out sourly. "I didn't notice it at the time, but while the recipes he gave us were delicious beyond anything we've ever put out of that kitchen, they also just so happened to be stuffed to the brim with tryptophan. Everyone who's eaten within the last twelve hours is half-asleep at best. But that's not the worst part—"
"YOU DID WHAT?!"
Everyone in the office jumped as a furious voice echoed around them, followed by the sound of two high-pitched screams and several footfalls.
"LAXATIVES? YOU PUT LAXATIVES IN THEIR MEALS?! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE SANCTITY OF FOOD LIKE THAT! GET BACK HERE, MIKEY! AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK EITHER, CHOPPER, I KNOW WHERE HE GOT THE DOSAGES FROM! WE'RE HAVING VENISON AND TURTLE SOUP TONIGHT!"
"SAVE US!" screamed the same high-pitched voices before the transmission cut out.
Jessica's eye twitched, but she looked somewhat mollified. "Well, at least Sanji didn't do it, it's good to see that my respect for him as a chef wasn't misplaced after all. But yes, most of the soldiers have stuffed the latrines to the brim as well."
KRAK-BOOM!
The spire was suddenly rocked by a massive shudder, one that had the Marines glancing at the ceiling uneasily. Barely two seconds later, Jonathan's snail started ringing.
The Vice Admiral picked it up, treating it much like a venomous snake. "Yes?"
"Ah, sir?" Cormac's queasy voice filtered out of the snail's mouth. "I'm sorry for using the Transponder Snail against your orders, but… ugghh… we have something of a—hurk!—situation in the latrines."
Jonathan ground his molars together. "How bad is it?"
-o-
"Well, that's disappointing…" I sighed morosely before shrugging. "Alright, moving on. Soundbite, have you got a good grasp on the base's plumbing system?"
"Huh? UM… maybe? WHATCHA THINKIN'?"
"Usopp, how much damage do you think you could do if you got your hands on the pipes?"
The sniper thought for all of three seconds before grinning a prankster's grin.
-o-
The sound of heaving and splattering came over the connection as the snail grew green. "It's bad…" Cormac moaned. "The pirates sabotaged the plumbing… and combined with the—oh, crap, I can taste it!—the gastric distress of our men… I'm afraid that there's been a… cataclysmic backup."
Jonathan grimaced darkly. "How cataclysmic are we talking?"
"…the best descriptor I can think of would be that the entire area looks like a battleship's bilge that hasn't been purged in months. And with more and more men running for the toilets as their own intestines attack them, suffice to say… "
KABOOM! CRASH!
Jonathan and all of the Marines in the room jumped in shock when the window was suddenly shattered by a ballistic sink that lodged itself in the opposite wall.
"The situation is getting worse by the second."
Jonathan began massaging his temples. "Alright, alright… rally the cleaning crews, clean this mess up, and then get the shipwrights into the plumbing so that—!"
SLAM!
Jonathan almost had an aneurysm when Drake, red-faced and bearing numerous bite marks of all things, nearly tore his door off the hinges. "Oh, what now?!" he demanded impatiently.
Drake flinched at the tone before slowly holding something up.
Jonathan stared at what he was holding in shock. "You have got to be kidding me."
-o-
"Boss, seeing as we've got plenty of time before our deadline, how hard would it be for you and your students to scale the outer wall and go on a little… fishing expedition?"
Boss gnawed on his cigar for a second before grinning eagerly. "Got any particular prey in mind?"
His grin doubled in size when I told him.
-o-
"Where did they get a hammerhead shark?" Jessica wondered, taking in the sight of the dead but still-twitching aquatic carnivore Drake was holding up by the tail.
"Trust me, this is the tamest of the beasts that they stuffed in our lockers…" Drake growled darkly. "And they somehow stuffed our lockers with water to keep them fresh! There is an active battle going on against these things!"
"… Well, it would seem that the dugongs have outdone themselves…" Isaiah whistled in awe.
"I've been upstaged in power," concurred Terry, the quietest Jonathan had heard him speak. The Vice Admiral barely acknowledged that or their return, however, amidst the various problems spinning in his mind.
"The food, the passageways, the storage, the weapons, the cannons, the plumbing, and now this. I suppose the best thing to say is that it can't—MMPH!"
Jessica and Drake both slapped their hands over his mouth.
"You should know better than that, Commander," Drake snarled. "Never say that things couldn't get any worse! The universe is always listening!"
Silence fell as Drake paled and everyone else in the room slowly turned to glare at him.
"…shit."
It was at that moment that the door to the office burst open and was jammed with panicking Marines, all yelling in desperate attempts to garner Jonathan's attention.
-o-
"Luffy, Sanji, Robin…" I turned my gaze to the three crewmembers who I hadn't planned anything for. "I honestly do not know. Basically, just go hog wild. Whatever you think you can do, do it. Just get this place set up to be turned inside-out and upside-down come daybreak. Soundbite will be directing everyone so that we all stay well away from any patrols. So, once we're done here?" I shot them all a thumbs-up. "Do your worst."
-o-
"Tripwires throughout the whole—!"
"—and the floors crumbled to pieces as we were—!"
"—laughing gas! Where did they even get—?"
"—rotten eggs and caltrops strewn through the—!"
"—growing through three different levels, branches and roots and everything! And the squirrels—!"
Jonathan's eyes stared vacantly into the distance, his mouth open in a continuous moan as his genius mind tried processing the onslaught of catastrophes going on throughout his base that, 24 hours ago, had been a peaceful and only slightly rusty machine fit for combat. Now the machine seemed to have been set to self-destruct with how much damage was being done.
"Why didn't I take up their offer and just let them leave? Why?" Jonathan groaned.
"Because you have an unhealthy obsession with strategy games?"
The room slowly fell silent, and every occupant sans the South Birds grimaced as Cross' very smug voice sounded around them.
"More gloating, Cross?" Jonathan groaned wearily.
"Eh, part that, part status update," Cross whistled innocently. "First, Conis, Vivi, Su and Carue just raided the arsenal you had our gear in thanks to the solvent that Chopper provided for his bog-foam, sooo we've got our weapons back, plus interest! Thanks again for so graciously donating them to us. We appreciate your support!"
-o-
"Alright, besides all the planning, there are a few other specific jobs we'll need to do." I pointed out a specific room that Robin had identified. "One of the harder parts of this is going to be retrieving our stuff and whatever Chopper's creation doesn't render unusable from this armory here, where they've stashed it all. Honestly, I think the really hard part is going to be carrying all of those Burn Bazookas back—"
"Actually, I don't think that should be too hard, Cross," Conis replied, smiling lightly. "After all, when I lifted Lassoo, he seemed reasonably light, and the Burn Bazookas are much less bulky. I think I could carry them myself."
Lassoo gave the angel a bemused look. "Really? Because I've had some work done, and I know for a fact that I'm still upwards of a hundred pounds heavy. You must be freaki—SERIOUSLY!" the dog-weapon yipped in terror when he noticed Sanji glaring at him. "Y-You're seriously strong! T-Totally normal though, t-t-totally normal!"
"I'm with actually with Howlitzer here, Conis," Su interjected with some concern. "I know you had training, but could you lift that many bazookas back on Skypiea?"
"No, but after I used Lassoo to blow up the Straw Bridge, I remembered that I couldn't lift him back on Skypiea either," Conis replied, turning to Chopper. "More pressing things were going on at the time, but I am curious about how that happened. Is gravity weaker down here?"
"No, if anything, it's stronger," Chopper replied, tapping his chin thoughtfully before clicking his hooves together in a semblance of snapping his fingers. "Oh, but it might an inverse of what happened when we reached the White Sea. Just like we were weaker in the thin air, Conis's physiology is adapting to the increased air pressure and resulting in her body's musculature working on overdrive?"
"Huh," I nodded thoughtfully. "That makes sense, but how much stronger?"
"Well," Chopper stared upwards contemplatively. "Judging from the height difference and the resulting difference in air density, roughly—WHOA!"
The reindeer cut off his explanation as Conis demonstrated her new strength by lifting me off the ground and clean above her head with one freaking hand, balancing me like a baton!
"…roughly… four times stronger than she was on Skypiea," Chopper finished weakly.
"Well, that and Cross is about as thin as a twig."
"HEY!" I barked at Zoro before grumbling darkly and crossing my arms. "So, anyways, I guess it'll be you going to get the stuff, along with Carue to actually transport itand Vivi for backup?"
"Sounds good to me," Vivi nodded in agreement, Carue quacking his consent as well.
"Perfect. Now, then… PUT ME DOWN ALREADY!"
-o-
THUNK!
"Is this enough of my own medicine for your tastes, Drake?" Jonathan said, his voice muffled by the desk in the way.
"It should be, but these Straw Hats are turning out to be more exasperating than you ever were," Drake groused.
"Oh, yes, and one more thing. We're quite happy to have gotten our gold back, thank you for that."
-o-
I dusted myself off as Conis set me down. "Alright, so what else—?" My consideration faded quickly when I felt a conspicuous wave of killing intent from somewhere over my shoulder. "GOLD! RIGHT! GOT IT!" I yelped in a strangled tone of voice before sighing as the feeling abated.
"HEHEHEH, WHIPPED! HAHA—hurk!" Soundbite's cackling died when the wave of menace suddenly renewed.
"So, Cross, you know where the gold is. Now, how are we going to get it without Jonathan stopping us?" Nami asked sweetly.
"Tone down the aura and let me think and I'll tell you," I pleaded desperately before sighing anew. "Alright, one way would be for you to ride in with your Waver with Luffy onboard, zap everyone, and then leave with the gold. But besides the fact that that was only 60% of what's actually in that office, your Waver's new design will support one person and nothing else." Frowning, I glanced back at her. "Speaking of which, where is it?"
Nami jabbed her thumb over her shoulder. "I stashed it in a storeroom somewhere that way before I headed to the laundry room to try and get a disguise. I can go and get it in a few minutes, no problem."
"Perfect," I nodded happily before leaning over the map. I then snapped my fingers in realization as I got an idea and jabbed my finger on a specific point. "Alright, it'll be tight but I think I might have an idea. Here's what we'll do…"
-o-
All present snapped their eyes to the corner of the room, to the place that once held the Straw Hats' treasure… and still did. Jonathan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Either my stress levels have raised to the point of hallucination, or you're mistaken, Cross, because it looks like all ฿500 million worth of treasure is still right where it was when you last saw it."
"Yeah, that's what I thought, I just needed to make sure that it was still there first, so thanks a lot! NOW!"
SH-SHINK!
Attention snapped back to the gold, where four different blades had sliced through the floor surrounding it.
The blades remained still for a moment before slicing clean through the stone, each one moving in a straight line and cutting a perfectly rectangular area out of the floor that entirely encompassed the treasure. The gold hung in place for a moment before dropping through the floor to the lower level. Before anyone recovered enough to head towards the hole, the floor was put back, sans treasure, and the sounds of rapid hammering echoed from below.
"And now that we've taken what's rightfully ours, I believe it's time to go."
"THANKS for the help, JONNY-BOY!"
Both of Jonathan's eyes were twitching at the display, and he slowly turned to the gobsmacked onlookers. "Get. Them," he bit out irritably. In no more than three seconds, the Marines composed themselves, saluted, and sped off, leaving only Jessica and the South Birds.
"Well, we have some business to take care of. We'll see you later, Jonathan," Isaiah stated, bowing to Jessica before flying out the window.
"REMEMBER TO ALWAYS ACT WITH POWAAAAH!" Terry bellowed before following after him.
Jonathan sighed, mostly in relief, as the birds flew away to rejoin the Straw Hats. "I think those two may have grown on me a little too much over the last twenty-three and a half hours," he muttered before shaking his head and moving to his snail. Cross had come close, but Jonathan still had one last trump card up his sleeve, and it would serve to use up all the time the Straw Hats had left.
Two rings later, the receiver picked up. "G-Gatehouse!" answered the Marine on the other end.
"Bare Navarone's fangs to catch the Straw Hats," Jonathan ordered calmly.
"Uh… that's going to be a problem."
Jonathan didn't so much grimace as he tried to obliterate the Marine on the other end with his gaze alone. "Why, exactly, is it going to be a problem?" he growled.
"Uh, w-well sir, I'm afraid that if I say it you won't believe me…"
"TRY ME."
"W-Well, then, you see…"
-o-
"Alright, now for the last and most critical part of my plan." I pointed at our navigator. "Nami, with the gold retrieval in capable hands, I have a special mission for you at the sea gate. I need you to storm the gatehouse. Or, at minimum, infiltrate and, you guessed it, sabotage."
"You want me to lock the gates open so we can sail out?" she guessed, though it was more a statement than a question.
"No," I crossed my arms in an X. "I want you to lock them shut."
Nami frowned. "And the benefit of that is…?"
"Stopping Jonathan's last trump card." I pointed at the bay on the map. "Do you think they converted this entire island into a base for shits and giggles? No, they maintained the geography like this for a reason: because whether it looks like it or not, Navarone is still a Grand Line island, meaning it has ways to screw with you like you wouldn't believe." I circled my finger in the map. "It's known as the Fangs of Navarone. See, the bottom of this island's bay? It's actually higher than sea level at low tide."
That statement caused Nami to pale in realization. "That would mean…"
"Huh? What does that mean?" Luffy blinked in confusion.
"It means that whenever it's high tide and so long as the watertight Sea Gate is shut, then the bay is perfectly filled with water," I explained patiently. "But if the Gate is open during low tide, then the water flows out and away with the tide, leaving nothing but shallows that devour enemy ships without fail."
"Ooooh…" Luffy nodded in understanding. "So it's a mystery tide."
I held up a hand to forestall Nami's reaction. "Mystery or not, it doesn't change the fact that it's deadly. The Fangs are Navarone's foolproof defense system. Once someone gets bitten, they go down." I slammed my fist on the map. "Let there be no mistake: stopping Jonathan from being able to unleash the Fangs against us is crucial to our escape… in more ways than one."
Nami rolled her eyes. "Alright, you've obviously got some crazy idea in mind, but I'll go along with it for now. I'm pretty sure that I can sneak in and cause some damage."
"Good. Just make sure that the sea gate's controls are completely out of commission. Do whatever it takes."
-o-
"A lightning storm melted the control mechanisms," Jonathan repeated flatly. "An indoor lightning storm."
"Y-Y-Yes, Commander Jonathan, that's what happened," the terrified grunt replied.
KEE-RACK!
The snail flinched with a miserable grimace. "Is. Is happening. It's, ah, it's still going on. I-I'm sorry, Vice Admiral, b-but we won't be opening the Gate any time soon."
"Pfhehehe…"
Jonathan rammed his fist onto his desk when a wry chuckle floated through the air. "Cross."
"Yeeeaaah, see, here's the thing, Vice Admiral," the pirate explained casually. "While Robin was undercover with you? She heard about your little trump card and while, quite honestly, we could circumvent being caught in it with ease by taking the aerial route you mentioned, the fact remains that we're trying to avoid putting undue stress on Merry. So, in order to avoid getting bitten, we decided that it would be best to wire Navarone's jaws shut."
"SUCKS TO BE you, HUH?"
Johnathan's nostrils flared furiously as he exercised every bit of will he had left to stay under control, thanks in no small part to Jessica being nearby. He slowly rose from his seat and strode to his office's window, where he watched a small fleet of battleships deploy from their docks and begin to give pursuit to the Going Merry.
"Congratulations, Cross: you have officially exhausted my patience," Jonathan announced frigidly. "You have three minutes until sunrise. Fail to escape my fortress before then, and I will handle you all myself."
DAYBREAK
-3 Minutes Remain-
I won't deny it, the ultimatum did send chills down my spine. But up until now, my battle of wits against Jonathan had gone about as well as I'd planned, and the endgame was going perfectly. We had all of our crewmates, gold, and supplies, the Going Merry was sailing towards the Sea Gate, and Jonathan's battleships were right behind us. All according to plan.
"Alright, Cross, spill it!" Sanji demanded. "What's the rest of your plan? How are we going to get out of here with the Sea Gate locked?!"
I grinned in response. "Just keep heading towards it as fast as we can."
-o-
"Alright, so everyone knows what to do?" I took in the sights of the various groups nodding, and smirked. "Excellent. If everything goes as planned, we'll be out of here just in time for the sunrise."
"Matching wits with Jonathan… well, let's hope that everything does go as planned, he's quite the formidable opponent," Robin remarked.
"Oh, yeah, who won that chess game, anyway?" I asked curiously. Robin merely smiled enigmatically in response.
I frowned in dissatisfaction before shrugging with a sigh. "Well, fine, go ahead and be cryptic." I then stood at attention and looked at the crew one by one. "Anyways… you all know your objectives. Good luck, and dare I say… godspeed."
DAYBREAK
-2 Minutes Remain-
As we neared the Sea Gate, the Marine battleships closed in on all sides, not even bothering to fire on us due to us having reached a dead end. We were cornered.
Then an amplified voice brought our attention to the top of G8, where Jonathan stared down at us. His voice was angry, but triumphant.
"Jeremiah Cross, Straw Hat Luffy, and the rest of the Straw Hat Pirates. You have fought valiantly to escape from Navarone, bringing the forces of G-8 to its knees in the process. You've shown resourcefulness, cunning, and sheer power, and overcome every obstacle that we set in your path. You've proven that my challenging you was a grave mistake.
"But this is where it ends. Your time has run out, and for the crime of piracy as well as the severe damage you have inflicted on this base, I will personally arrest every last one of you, and you will face Justice in Marineford."
I stared up at the Vice Admiral silently for a few seconds before glancing at Luffy. Once he nodded, I glanced at Soundbite.
"Gastro-Amp," I said, smirking wide. My next words echoed throughout the entire base.
DAYBREAK'S END
-1 Minute Remains-
"Vice Admiral Jonathan, you have proved to be a most worthy foe. You've pushed us to the brink, hit us with genius move after genius move… but the fact is that you just can't win. By my count, we still have one minute left, and that's all the time that we need. See, this whole time, we've been playing you. We've made you focus on all the damage we've caused so that you haven't had a chance to grasp the bigger picture. We've kept you off-kilter so that you couldn't take in all the facts, and question the exact 'whys' of our moves. And most importantly… you've been paying attention to me more than anyone else, rather than the one who actually had the power to get us out of here. And that's the last weak point I have to point out. Remember well the reason you lost this game, because Eneru and many others have learned it the hard way before you, and one day… one day the world will learn this lesson and never, ever forget it: that no matter how smart, how strong, or how resourceful you are… no one can defeat a D."
I turned to Luffy as we finally reached Navarone's sole passage to the outside, my grin comparable to the Cheshire Cat's, and held up two fingers, as well as a third half-folded one. "Captain Luffy… tear down this wall."
Luffy blinked in confusion for a second before grinning like a loon and nodding firmly. "RIGHT!" And with that, he took a deep breath and bit into his thumb. "BONE… BALLOON!"
I turned back around and pointed at Jonathan while Luffy's arm inflated behind me, pointing straight at him. "G-8's a beautiful base, Jonathan, truly a wonder." I smirked right in his ear. "And her Fangs are the most impressive part of all."
I paused as Luffy's massive arm shadowed the Merry… "GEAR TWO-POINT-FIVE!"
My grin became truly feral when Luffy's arm shot back, winding up for something spectacular. "GUM-GUM!"
"What say we wrench her jaw open so that she can show us those pearly whites?"
I had the glorious privilege of seeing Jonathan pale in realization just as Luffy's fist shot forwards.
"GIANT PISTOL!"
The Gate of G-8 was smashed into oblivion, allowing a burst of light to shine through in all its glory.
SUNRISE
-TIME'S UP-
The moment the Sea Gate was obliterated, the effect was instantaneous.
Without the manmade obstruction to hold them in any longer, the base's waters started rushing out to sea like bathwater down a drain, carrying our relatively small ship out with them. Navarone's battleships had no such luck, their size and distance from the Sea Gate ensuring that they had no chance to sail out before, with a symphony of crunching, Navarone's fangs ripped into their keels and most likely crippled them for good.
By the time Jonathan had managed to recover from the shock, we were out of the base's walls, and by no accident, every last one of the cannons with a chance of firing at us on our way out was completely disabled. As for the ships Jonathan had had stationed outside the base, they were caught completely unaware by the utter tidal wave of water that assailed them, one unlucky warship outright capsizing while the rest were too busy trying to avoid the same fate to stop us as we dropped our sails and made for open ocean.
Then… came the part where we had to grab Luffy as the drawback Gear Third—or Gear 2.5, as it were—kicked in, and Luffy would have gone flying from the air rocketing out of his mouth if I hadn't thought to grab him when he started deflating and kept him grounded. Once it was over and done with, I was left holding two and a half feet of giggling rubbery badass.
"What the…?" Chopper wondered.
"Drawback from that technique, he'll be back to normal in a few minutes," I explained, my eyebrow cocked at Luffy. "Also, just one attack? That's kinda…"
"Yeah, holding my breath is harder than it looks…" Luffy squeaked with his tongue stuck out childishly. "I just need more practice with 'em both and I'll be able to keep 'em going."
"Fair enough."
As we started to depart from the base, I couldn't help but look back. I could have let it end there, I could have… but really, given this opportunity, how could I resist?
I hastily poked Luffy and whispered to him. He immediately grinned and spread his arms wide. "Marines of G-8!" he bellowed in a high-pitched voice as Soundbite started belting out a certain theme. "You will always remember this day as the day you almost caught Monkey D. Luffy and the Straw Hat Pirates!"
Once that was done, he glanced at me eagerly. "Did I say it right?"
"That…" I sniffed as I wiped a tear away from my eye. "Was beautiful."
"It would have been a lot better if he wasn't talking like that, though," Zoro deadpanned.
"Eh, take it or leave it."
Within minutes, G-8 was starting to shrink in the distance.
"…Well done, Straw Hat Pirates. You beat me at my own game," Jonathan stated, his voice firm and actually rather respectful.
"DON'T BOTHER replying. He just WENT OUT OF MY RANGE," Soundbite declared.
I nodded to that before flinching as I realized that in all the madness, I hadn't had the chance to pass on the knowledge of MI4… well, no big loss, I was sure I'd figure something out to pass it on to him. Maybe I could ask Tashigi to track down Coo.
"Well, now that that's done, we don't need our fail-safe anymore," I said. And so, without any preamble, I walked over to Luffy and stuck my hand into his pants before pulling out the deflated Balloon Octopus. Even Soundbite gaped at me as I grinned at the cephalopod.
"Thanks for all your help! Enjoy life down here in the Blue Seas! Oh, and if you can, try finding your way to the Octopus Shogunate. Tell Octavio we sent you, he's a friend!"
And with that, I dropped the octopus overboard, and turned back to the rest of the crew, who were staring at me in silence, an absolute kaleidoscope of emotions swirling over their faces.
The silence lasted until Isaiah clapped his wings together. "Right, that's it. We're out."
"Huh?" said several voices.
"AGREED! WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE BASE! THIS PLACE IS TOO INSANE FOR MY POWEEEEEER!" Terry declared, already flapping his wings and preparing to fly.
"Wait just a minute!" I said sharply, causing the birds to look at me. I looked over them both before nodding. "This actually makes things much easier. Can you wait long enough for me to write Jonathan a letter so you can deliver it to him? It's extremely important."
The birds posed as if they were folding their arms, but thankfully, they nodded in agreement. It took me a few minutes to compose the letter, but once I did I started to hand it to Isaiah… before jerking it back with a grave stare. "This is for the sake of changing the world into something better. Watch Jonathan like hawks until he decides to call this number. I've told him to teach you two how to write so that you can communicate without Soundbite's help. The password is Old Spice, but Jonathan won't know that, he won't even know that there is a password. Keep it that way unless he seems sincere. Can I trust you two to take care of it?"
"We shall consider it our final order as members of this crew, and treat it with the respect that that deserves," Isaiah replied with a bow.
"THANK YOU FOR LETTING US SAIL WITH YOU!" Terry bellowed as he flexed his wings Superman-style. "GOODBYE!"
And with that, our two avian friends flapped their wings and took to the sky, flying back towards Navarone.
We watched them go for a few minutes until we got back into our usual routine. That is to say, Nami barked at us all to get to work and most all of us hopped to it, except for me. I tried to surreptitiously sneak into the kitchen before I could be missed, but really, what chances did I have of escaping the all-seeing eye of the Navigator?
"And what exactly do you think you're doing, Cross? Don't even think about starting another SBS, you've been doing enough of that for the past few days!" Nami snapped.
I flinched and muttered something… decidedly unflattering beneath my breath before replying. "I need to call Tashigi and warn her about Jonathan," I said shortly.
Nami's anger faded into a discontented frown. "Fine. But you'd better be ready to help as soon as you're done," she said.
I nodded, shot her a few very specific hand gestures once her back was turned, and then entered the kitchen, taking a seat at the table before exchanging looks with Soundbite. "And I was hoping that we could finally start things off with Apoo," I groused.
"Honestly, any other day I'D AGREE," Soundbite bit out tiredly. "BUT I'VE been working overtime FOR THE LAST 24 HOURS. I FEEL STRONGER from the WORKOUT, but I'm exhausted. HENCE the four words I NEVER THOUGHT I'D utter: I need a break…"
I winced as I realized just how hard Soundbite must have been working in G-8. "Ah… yeah, sorry about that, Soundbite, should have realized… uh, would you be alright with handling a call to MI4 before you get some rest?"
The snail shook his head blearily for a second before nodding. "Yeah… yeah, I can manage THAT. JUST TELL her to KEEP HER VOICE DOWN."
I nodded, and dialed the number. And three rings later…
"Pisces," mumbled a muffled voice on the other end.
"…What?" I asked.
The snail winced. "Ugh, sorry, force of habit. Good timing though, Cross. What can you tell me about the Barto Club?" Tashigi asked without preamble.
I blinked at the apparent non sequitur. "Uh… why do you ask?"
"Because Hina wound up in a dinner party with them during your last broadcast."
"…wow. Kudos to you, you've managed to make me speechless," I finally managed to say. "Alright, I'll bite: how did that happen?"
"Well, they were about to attack each other when the snail rang, and both of them agreed on a truce. As the show went on, they started exchanging food…"
-FLASHBACK-
"Now, the question is, where have we—…Oh, fuck me."
All of the listeners looked up from what they were doing at Cross' abrupt swearing.
"Ah, viewers, I'm really sorry to cut you all off like this, but something's come up aaaaaand I'm-gonna-have-to-call-you-back-BYE!"
And just like that, the snail fell asleep.
"…What was that about?" Mr. 5 wondered.
"My guess is they wound up in the middle of either a pirate's hideout or a Marine base," Jango deadpanned.
"I wouldn't be surprised, that does seem like something that would happen to them," Apis nodded sagely before freezing and looking around hesitantly. "But… now that the SBS is over… is the truce over, too?"
At that, all present stiffened, the boundaries of friend and foe thoroughly re-established. But before anyone could make a move…
"STAND DOWN, EVERYONE!"
The authority of Hina's yell froze all of the Marines on deck, while the suddenness did the same to the pirates. She then turned towards Bartolomeo, who was staring at her with a curious but guarded expression. Hina pondered over the choice of action in her mind, but if the truce had shown anything, it was that it was at least worth a shot.
"Give me the number for your Transponder Snail, and I'll let you go this time," Hina said quietly.
"Oh?" Bartolomeo leered, displaying his most likely fishman-descended dentition in a crass grin. "You wanna see more of me?"
"Hmph," Hina sniffed imperiously. "Not particularly, but for a pirate, you seem reliable enough that Hina would like to have you on call."
Bartolomeo blinked in surprise before shrugging indifferently and scrawling out the number. One quick check for any 'parting gifts' left by over-enthusiastic crewmates on both ships later, the Barto Club reboarded the Cannibal and left. The moment they were out of range, Hina looked back at her troops. "Unless I say otherwise, we never saw them."
"Yes, ma'am!" came the resounding response.
Hina nodded before sweeping back towards her office, flanked by her left-and-right hand men. "Tell the men to get us on a heading for Base G-2 on Bawean. I want us there within a week, maximum."
"At once, ma'am," Jango nodded firmly and split off to relay her orders.
Once she reached the door to her quarters, Hina gave Fullbody a stern look. "Hina needs some time to contemplate recent developments. Under nothing less than the direst of circumstances am I to be disturbed, understood?"
Fullbody cocked an eyebrow curiously. "Matters of Marine Integrity, I take it?"
"Precisely."
"Very well, then, ma'am." Fullbody wheeled about and promptly took up a guard position before the door.
Hina prepared to close it before pausing as a thought occurred to her. "Hmm… now that Hina thinks about it… wasn't your last assignment before you were demoted to transport a prisoner named Gin, like that First Mate of Black Bart's?"
Fullbody's reaction was for his every muscle to lock up, an ashen-gray tone coloring his face. "I am completely and utterly certain that I have no memories whatsoever of whatever it is you're referencing, Captain…" he groaned in a sickly voice.
Hina gave him a flat stare. "You had Jango suppress those memories, didn't you."
"I am completely and utterly certain—"
"At ease, soldier."
"Thank you, Captain…" Fullbody sagged in relief.
With a final shake of her head, Hina closed the office door and sealed it, both traditionally and personally. Once the room was secure, she dug her private snail out of the hidden compartment in her desk where she'd stashed it and dialed a specific number. Two rings later, the recipient picked up.
"Pisces," came Tashigi's warped voice on the other end.
"Capricorn," Hina replied. "Tashigi, Cross is obviously in a bad situation right now, but as soon as he calls you again or ends his next broadcast, ask him what he knows about the Barto Club. I'm considering that perhaps MI4 could benefit from employing… unconventional allies…"
-END FLASHBACK-
"…so, yeah. You think it's a good idea?"
It took me a few moments before I could get my thoughts together at hearing what Hina had in mind, at which point I started unconsciously scratching my chin. "I… well, Bartolomeo is a juvenile and sadistic mafia boss-turned-pirate that loves nothing more than taunting his opponents, so I don't know where on the moral line he stands. But there's one little detail that ensures that he's still perfect material for an ally, and that's that ever since he witnessed Luffy's would-be execution in Loguetown, he's worshipped him, and by extension his crew, i.e. us. So…" I shrugged helplessly. "I dunno? Chances are that it should be easy to talk him into this if you name-dropped us, but he's still his own guy and he lives to troll, so no guarantees."
"I see…" Tashigi mused before nodding. "Well, it's not like we haven't taken risks before. Alright, I'll let Hina know; expect a conference call at some point soon. Are any of his crewmates going to be a problem? Most of them seemed like common thugs, but there were five people who stood out. Three of them were the ex-Baroque Works Officer Agents Mr. 5, Miss Valentine, and Miss Goldenweek, who apparently joined up after laying low in Alabasta proved impossible due to the country going Revolutionary. There was also a man named Gin, who Hina suspected was once part of Don Krieg's crew, and a girl named Apis riding, if you can believe this, a dragon… which, actually, considering how this is the Grand Line, isn't really all that hard to believe."
It took me a minute to process all of that; I hadn't expected Bartolomeo going out to sea this early to have consequences like this. Never mind the fact that the whole Millennial Dragon thing actually went down!
"OK…" I started counting down on my fingers as I scrounged up what intel I could. "First things first. Yes, Gin used to be Don Krieg's strongest subordinate, but after Sanji showed him mercy and saved his life, Krieg double-crossed him for returning the favor. Luffy and Sanji would probably consider him a friend. Apis… I don't think she had any fighting skills of her own, but she ate the Whisper-Whisper Fruit, which lets her telepathically communicate with animals. Still, she should be just as easy to make friends with, I think. Those Officer Agents, though…" I thought it over for a second before shrugging. "Well, Mr. 4 and Miss Merry Christmas were professional enough, so maybe there's hope there, plus it's not like they're the only ones to come off that particular ship… meh, screw it. If they can agree to let bygones be bygones, the only person who I can imagine protesting would be Vivi, and she's already well on her way to forgiving Robin, so I'm optimistic."
"Alright, I'll pass all of that on to Hina," Tashigi acknowledged thankfully. "Now, why were you calling me?"
"Oh, right," I said, facepalming. "Sorry, I just got a bit blindsided is all. Tashigi, you remember that Vice Admiral that I thought my crew might end up crossing paths with before you were done? Well, we just did: Vice Admiral Jonathan of the G-8 branch, or Navarone if you prefer."
"J-JONATHAN?" I reeled in shock at the sudden panicked spike in volume. "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR ADRENALINE-ADDLED MIND!? HE'S ONE OF—"
"Hey, keep your voice down, Tashigi!" I said hastily. "Soundbite's exhausted, he was working nonstop since our last broadcast to help us escape from Navarone. I'm already straining him by having him call you."
The snail bit his lip, and took a couple of deep breaths before continuing in a furious but quiet tone. "He's one of Akainu's favorite students! In what possible world could he be a good candidate?!"
"The same world where he made the grave mistake of agreeing to play a survival game with the Straw Hat Pirates to give them a chance to escape from his fortress. Let's just say that while we escaped unscathed, he'll have his hands full with repairs for the next few days… or weeks… or months," I replied, and neither Soundbite nor I were able to keep from grinning maliciously.
"…damn you, Cross, I should not be finding that funny!" Tashigi snorted with ill-repressed humor before hastily sobering up. "B-But still, Cross, this is serious. I cannot put enough emphasis on the fact that the man you are electing for a position in MI4 is Akainu's student. Considering how much you know, you should be fully aware of just how legitimately horrible of an idea that is!"
I frowned firmly. "And not to beat a horse to death, Tashigi, but to reiterate my previous point from a few nights ago, when was the last time I was wrong?" The ensuing silence was telling. "Yeah. I'm not saying I'm infallible, I can make mistakes, but I'm pretty confident that my track record thus far speaks for itself. Anyway, it's already done. I've already passed on the contact information for your snail, so be ready for his call. And don't worry," I held up my hand to forestall her protests, despite how redundant of a move it was considering the means of communication. "I didn't just do this on a whim. I do have a foolproof plan in case of the, in my opinion, highly unlikely event that he'll try to sell us out…"
-o-
"Would you care to enlighten me as to exactly why you let the Straw Hats run wild in Navarone, considering the results?" Jessica bit out, gesturing at the general bedlam and ruin around them from Jonathan's balcony.
"Cross promised to pressure-test the base and show how much of an asset it was for the Marine Corps," Jonathan replied.
"Well, it looks like all he did was exploit every last one of our weak spots to turn the entire island against us!" Drake growled, pacing about agitatedly. "When Marineford gets wind of this, they'll shut the base down for sure! This 'game' of yours—!"
"Had the desired result."
Jessica and Drake stopped short. "How can you say that?"
"This was the most devastating and stressful battle that Navarone has ever been through," Jonathan summarized matter-of-factly. "The Straw Hat Pirates pointed out all of our weak spots and then turned them against us. And despite all of that, our best efforts came within one shot of defeating them. After going through months of peace before a full day of war, we came within an inch of capturing or sinking the infamous Straw Hat Pirates."
He then grinned. "And our base has never been in a better position for growing stronger. Just as they did in the last 24 hours in order to try and capture the Straw Hats, all of our soldiers will come together to repair the damage. We'll put precautions in place to remedy our weak spots, and as a result we will come back stronger than ever from dealing with one of, if not undoubtedly the most insane crew of this generation. After showing how strong we are even after all this time, there's no way they'll be able to justify shutting us down."
Jessica's eyes brimmed with tears, and she smiled before embracing her husband warmly, with Drake looking on with an exasperated, but nonetheless fond, smile.
"You're right, darling."
The two maintained their embrace for several more seconds, before an unfamiliar but unmistakable sound reached their ears.
"Cho!"
"Oh, no," Jonathan moaned, looking up from embracing his wife to see that the South Birds were flying back towards him; he barely noticed Drake beating a hasty retreat out of the corner of his eye. They perched on the railing, and one of them bent his beak forward to place a rolled-up piece of paper on the table. Raising his eyebrows, Jonathan took the paper and opened it, with Jessica reading the message within over his shoulder.
To Vice Admiral Jonathan, and all of those loyal to him:
First things first: Robin suggested that to compensate for the damages done to your base, you put in a report saying that Special Inspector Major Shepherd cooperated with the Straw Hat Pirates, dealing significant property damage in an attempt to show the incompetency of this base and shut it down. After all, that's what happened, no? At the bare minimum, that should reimburse you, and the fact that you almost managed to beat us should be enough to reassure HQ that you're worth keeping around.
Now, on to more serious matters. Here's a question for you: what's the difference between a good Marine and a decent Marine? The answer: good Marines follow their orders to the letter, and sacrifice everything for the sake of Justice, while decent Marines sacrifice everything for the sake of all… even Justice, if it comes down to it. It's clear which is the better of the two, yes? All things considered, however, the Navy today is predominantly filled with good Marines. You and I both know that. I happen to believe that you're one of the decent Marines, and I now know with perfect certainty that you have not only the intelligence but also the bravery to defend that fact.
And that is why I'm trusting you with one of my most well-guarded secrets: there exists within the Navy an organization composed purely of decent Marines who have put their lives on the line to begin changing the Navy to what it should be, destroying the corruption from the ground up. They have no affiliation with the Revolutionary Army, and their numbers are small, but growing. I—and by extension, my crew—have served as an informant for the organization from the moment of its founding to help with that growth.
This letter and the knowledge within are an invitation for you to become a leader in this organization. If you choose to stake everything on being a decent Marine, call the following number where, in all likelihood, you'll have to reveal your secret. And if you don't… well, if you're not willing to stake your all, then why did you join the Marines in the first place?
I hope to hear good things about you, Jonathan.
252-287-677
Jeremiah Cross
P.S. Unable to cope with our day-to-day insanity any longer, Terry and Isaiah have decided to stay with you. As they can no longer speak, I highly recommend teaching them how to write, and if possible, getting them in contact with News Coo number 1851. Mention my name to him, and he'll be willing to help.
Jonathan stared impassively at the note, any traces of amusement, dread, or irritation gone as he considered the gravity of what was written in the letter; he barely even acknowledged the postscript and the difficulty that would come from it. He turned to Jessica, who was staring at the note with wide eyes.
"…I suppose now I know what Cross meant when he said that there were people who were going to love to hear my secret," Jonathan finally said. He started to set the note down when Jessica stopped him.
"Hang on, there's something on the other side."
Jonathan blinked and turned it over, confirming that, yes, there was a little more.
P.P.S. Just wanted to let you know that, personally? I'm really glad we came to Navarone. Why, you ask? Because this was the first true test of my skills as a tactician I've had to face… and quite honestly? This marks the absolute first time a plan of mine has gone off without so much as a single hitch.
So, thank you, Vice Admiral Jonathan.
Thank you for helping to make me more capable of helping my crew in the future.
Jonathan read the post-post-scriptum a few times, just to confirm that what he was reading was real.
Once he was certain that yes, he had just read that, he found that there was only one thing he could do.
Vice Admiral Jonathan sat in his chair, hands folded before him, and without so much as a second's hesitation before his men, his wife, and God himself…
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
He threw his head back and laughed.
-o-
"…So, yeah. The password is 'Old Spice'; if he doesn't know to say that and you don't hear South Birds on the other end giving him the password, just hang up. But I have no doubt that he'll come around eventually, and with him the entirety of G-8."
"…Alright, Cross, I'm impressed," Tashigi admitted. "If this actually works, I think you'll have done more for MI4 than we have. But if this does fail, and he decides to tell Akainu—!"
"He won't, Tashigi," I cut in sharply. "If you need reassurance that badly, then here it is: while I was in that fortress, I got my hands on Buster Call-grade blackmail material for Jonathan, and he knows it. He'll have no choice but to sit on the knowledge if he doesn't decide to join."
Tashigi was silent for a minute. "…You're sure, Cross?" she asked at last.
"Positive," I replied firmly.
"Alright, I'll trust you on this, but I'm passing on the warning to the other three."
"Of course, of course. By the way, what was that about when you picked up? You said pieces, or something."
"Oh, right," she said, brightening up some. "Well, T-Bone came up with the idea, just a measure of added security, for all of us to use code names. Hina suggested Cancer for Commodore Smoker, and—"
"PFHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that's just sad, clichéd, hilarious and genius all in one package," I snickered.
"Heh, yes, we all did think it was funny, but Smoker seemed alright with the name. So, yeah, we decided to take the other names from the Zodiac, too. I'm Pisces, Hina is Capricorn, and T-Bone is Scorpio. We were thinking you could take the codename Ophiuchus."
I blinked thoughtfully as I contemplated that. "Huh… the unofficial 13th Zodiac… eh, what the hell, I'm as slippery as a snake anyways and it sounds cool. I'll take it."
"ARE YOU DONE YET, CROSS?" came Nami's voice from outside. I winced and glanced at the door, then back at Soundbite.
"Uh, anything else, Tashigi?" I asked hastily.
"Not unless you have any other pirate crews to recommend," she replied.
I rolled my eyes with a groan. "ALMOST, NAMI!" I called, and then I racked my brains for any other decent pirates. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of many that were in Paradise. "Sorry, but at present, most of the crews that come to mind are 'maybes' at best. The only definite 'yes' I can think of is the Saruyama Alliance, composed of the Masira Pirates, the Shoujou Pirates, and Montblanc Cricket, and no offense to them but they themselves aren't really 'pirate' pirates per se, sooo…" I waved my hand side to side. "Well, I don't think I need to explain why I'm sure about them, but that's all I've got for now."
Tashigi frowned in dissatisfaction before sighing in defeat. "Well, at least that's one more group than we had before, so thanks. I'll let you get back to your crew. Good luck in your travels, Ophiuchus."
"Same to you." I allowed a cheeky grin to spread across my face. "Fish-stick."
Tashigi 'stared' at me flatly for a moment before sighing in defeat. "I don't know what I was expecting…" And with a final KA-LICK, Soundbite sagged in relief.
I grinned warmly as I patted his shell. "You go ahead and catch some sleep, little buddy, you've more than earned it."
The snail smiled tiredly before retreating into his shell. I set down the bag with the transceiver before heading back outside, and coming face-to-face with an impatient-looking Nami. "The work is all done now. You'll be pulling double duty the next time a storm blows in. And where's Soundbite?"
"Think a little harder about the last 24 hours," I replied. Nami frowned more deeply before a look of understanding came in her eyes, and she sighed.
"Alright, fair enough. Let's just hope—" She snapped her mouth shut and shook her head fiercely. "Nope, not saying it, not giving the universe that kind of an opening."
SPLASH! "GROOOAAAR!"
I gave the Sea King that was towering over the Merry an eager grin. "It would appear that the universe does not give a flying fuck. Goodie!"
"LESS SNARKING, MORE GETTING US THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU DAMN JUNKIE!"
"RIGHT AWAY, NAMI-SWAN!"
"Kiss-ass."
"GO FALL OVERBOARD, MOSSHEAD!"
"YOU FIRST, SWIRLYBROW!"
"FIGHT THE SEA KING, NOT EACH OTHER!"
"Ooh, target practice! AND A TEST SUBJECT TO BOOT!"
"Arf arf—ARF?!"
"Sorry, everyone, Soundbite burned himself out with everything that happened in Navarone. It'll be a little while before you can talk again. In the meantime, Chopper can translate if necessary."
"The skull bone's connected to the spinal column, the spinal column's connected to the EVERYTHING…"
"Oooor not, as it were…"
"Somebody hit him before he starts experimenting on us next!"
"I wouldn't worry, Usopp; I'm sure he won't experiment on us."
"R-Really, Robin?"
"Of course. Considering the size of that Sea King, I estimate it will take him several hours to exhaust the sheer amount of resources it can offer him."
"THAT'S NOT REASSURING!"
"SHISHISHI!" Luffy laughed eagerly. "IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!"
And honestly?
It was. It really, really was.
-o-
A day later, the difficulties of Navarone were all but behind us. Despite the typical noise onboard, it took a little while for us to get used to Terry and Isaiah's absence. Fortunately (depending on how you defined it), we had plenty of other things to occupy our time and attention from the time we left, encompassing the next couple of weeks as we followed the Log Pose towards our next destination. From the typical and unsurprising…
-o-
"Nami! Get up here!" I yelled, pounding on the door to the storage room as the wind, waves, and wightning (as Carue put it) raged all around us..
"No! I'm busy polishing my gold!" she yelled back from within.
"Nami, we are in the middle of a fucking storm! If you don't get up here, you'll lose all that gold!" I bellowed.
"…" Silence echoed from within, and I facepalmed as I made a mental note to have Chopper do something.
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, IT IS NOT WORTH IT!" Soundbite roared.
"That's it. You're getting therapy from Chopper, end of story!" I concurred.
"Not before you—!"
"Gastro-Amp," I snarled before shouting over the storm. "MY OBSESSION HASN'T ENDANGERED ANY OF US! YOURS HAS YOU ACTIVELY CONSIDERING LETTING US ALL SINK!"
"WHAT!?" Nami slammed the door to the storeroom open and glared bloody murder at me. "Cross, I'll admit that I'm obsessed, but there is no way in hell that I would allow it to get to the point where it compromised my integrity as a navigator! The only reason I'm not bothering to coordinate you seaweed brains is because the storm is going to blow over soon!"
I glanced up at the absolutely murderous clouds looming over us. "Are you out of your—!?"
"Three, two…" Nami ticked off her fingers.
Aaand there it was: clear skies, just like that.
"And there," Nami nodded firmly. "Now, unless there's anything else?"
I stared up at the sky before slowly looking back at her. "My objections appeared to have become defunct."
"Perfect. So, if you'll excuse me, I have a romantic candlelight dinner to get back to." And with that, she slammed the door shut.
I spared the mere thought of whatever the hell she could be doing in there a shudder of revulsion before walking off, weathering Sanji's cries of how brilliant Nami-swan was. As I did so, I passed Robin, who looked like she had swallowed a lemon.
"You peeked?" I said flatly.
"My kingdom for a way to wipe my memory…" she said, shuddering.
-o-
…To the mildly expected and nearly forgotten (no pun intended)…
-o-
"I! HATE! AMNESIA! EPISODES!" I grit out viciously, emphasizing each word by ramming a highly bruised seahorse's head into a nearby tree. "NOW! GIVE! US! BACK! OUR! MEMORIES! AND! SCREW OFF!" I capped it all off with an overhead swing that gave the tree a nasty split.
As blue mist leaked out of its mouth, the emaciated would-be dragon looked worse than Luffy after Zoro, Sanji, Nami, and Chopper ganging up on him. He lay on the ground, tears leaking out of his eyes.
"I just want to be a Millennial Dragon," it moaned.
"You're in the wrong fucking ocean, dumbass," I snarled before looking back at the kid it used as its puppet, who was currently cowering against a tree. "Everyone should have their memories back now. Just make sure that this," I gave the seahorse a punt for good measure. "Never comes within range of this island again. Got it?"
The boy swallowed and nodded before tentatively stepping back, then running away as fast as he could.
I watched him for a second before turning a stink-eye on Robin, who held up her hands in a conciliatory manner.
"In my defense," she said. "It didn't take my memories."
"…I'm still blaming you for this," I grumbled.
"Cross!" Vivi rushed up to me, her eyes full of concern. "I am so sorry, I-I-I—!"
"It's fine, it's fine..." I waved her off as I finally took the time to pinch my profusely bleeding nose shut. "But for the record? Your alter-ego is a raving bitch."
"That… was kind of the point," Vivi admitted sheepishly.
-o-
…To the completely unexpected yet utterly mundane.
-o-
"Alright, Usopp," I muttered as I knelt on the deck, balancing Lassoo on my shoulder. "Hold very, very, very still…"
Usopp ignored me in favor of quivering like a leaf as he stared down the dog-gun's barrel in terror, which was in turn causing the apple on his head to wobble uncontrollably. "I-I-I-Isn't there any other way you could practice your aim with that mutt!?" he whimpered in terror.
"Mmm…" Soundbite and I exchanged glances before grinning malevolently. "Nope!" we chorused before I scrunched my eye shut. "Now whatever you do… don't mo—"
"AAAAAAARGH!"
"HOLY!" I yelped in shock when a scream of mortal terror suddenly rang through the air, causing me to squeeze Lassoo's trigger on impulse.
BOOM!
"GAH!" Usopp screamed, only just managing to dive to the deck as the ballistic baseball shot through where his head had been moments earlier. "ARE YOU INSANE!? YOU ALMOST TOOK MY HEAD OFF!"
"Blame whoever screamed just now," I retorted with a roll of my eyes. "And besides, what the hell are you worried about? You tanked plenty of Lassoo's balls back in Alabasta and came out… relatively alright?"
"I ALMOST DIED! AND BESIDES, I ONLY TANKED THE EXPLOSIONS, NOT THE ACTUAL PROJECTILES!"
"Ah... fair enough," I conceded before putting up a hopeful finger. "But hey, look on the bright side: if you had lost your head, I'm sure that Chopper could have reattached it for you?"
It was at that moment that the trapdoor to the men's room popped open, disgorging a plume of off-color smoke and a madly grinning human-reindeer. "You raaaaang?"
We stared at him silently for a second before Usopp slowly turned a vicious glare on me. "When I die… I swear that I will haunt you."
"Sorry, that role is reserved for someone else we'll be meeting later," I replied cheekily before looking at my shoulder. "Anyway, who screamed and why?"
"SANJI, but I didn't hear ANY FIRES OR knives, and NOBODY ELSE IS in there except Conis," the snail replied.
"Iiiinteres-—"
THWACK!
"OW!…thank you, Cross." Chopper winced and rubbed where I'd slammed the trapdoor on his head. "But seriously, we should probably check on him."
With that, we all walked towards the kitchen, where most everyone else was already gathered. The sight that met our eyes was… well, interesting, to say the least.
Sanji was on the floor, pale and passed out. And the cause? Conis, who was sitting at the table, looking at him with an expression that was both unnerved and concerned and wearing—
I blinked in surprise. "Are those my cargo pants? And my aviator jacket?"
"Huh?" Conis looked at me in surprise before smiling and fingering the furred collar of the jacket. "Oh, yeah, apparently we're approximately the same size. Do you mind?"
"Uh… not… really?" I hedged in confusion. "But why are you wearing my… I mean, did Nami, Robin, and Vivi not have any clothes to spare?"
"Oh, they did," Conis said, shrugging. "But when I tried them on, I found that compared to the disguise I put on back in Navarone, they were, well…" Conis spun her hand for a second before sighing helplessly. "Well, look: back in Skypiea, there really wasn't much diversity in fashion. The most differences there were were in patterns and colors and whatnot, but apart from that, all anyone apart from White Berets wore were those same garments. I enjoyed trying on the different outfits that Vivi and Laki showed me, but… the Marine uniform was just a lot more, well…"
She spread her arms with a grin. "Liberating! So, I decided to try some different clothes and I found that yours worked quite well!" She grinned for a few seconds longer before smiling sheepishly. "Is… Is that going to be a problem? Sanji seems to think so…"
I processed what she said before shrugging. "Nah, that's just Sanji. Personally, I think that's a good look for you! We'll just have to get you a new wardrobe once we reach the next civilized island, is all."
Conis smiled beatifically. "Th-Thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me!"
"I suppose we should have expected her to be a tomboy, considering her role on the crew," Robin remarked as Chopper went to work rousing Sanji.
"Still surprising, based on what we already knew about her," I pointed out. "Seriously, she did not give off tomboy vibes when we first met her."
"No, Conis, darling, why?!" Sanji suddenly shouted as he shot upright, his voice anguished. "At least go with the short-tank look!
"Ergh…" Nami ground the heel of her palm into her forehead.
"Pardon me," Raphey snarled as she grabbed Sanji by his collar and started dragging him out of the kitchen. "I need to spend the next ten minutes brutally educating this idiot on everything wrong with what he just said."
The rest of the crew stared after her uncomfortably.
"Shooould we stawp her?" Carue asked.
"Depends," Su yawned. "Do you want to get your beak lodged in your own brain?"
"No?"
"Then no."
-o-
And, of course, it wouldn't be the Grand Line without the sea throwing something unexpected and bizarre at us. Something... unspeakable.
-o-
"HALT, EVILDOERS!"
"I swear to Ammit, if this is anything like those Bleeding Heart jackasses…" Vivi grumbled as she stalked over to the side. We watched with mild interest as she peered over the railing, interest that turned into panicked concern when she suddenly coughed up blood and slumped over.
"VIVI!" we all shouted, standing and rushing to her side.
"DEAR PRINCESS!" Sanji yelled, twirling there ahead of us and grabbing her by the torso.
"N-No…" she groaned, her twitching arm raised to try and ward us off. "S-Save yourselves…"
Of course, we ignored her, Chopper joining Sanji at her side and the rest of us crowding the railing to try and see what had caused this. And when we did…
"Oh, my…" Robin breathed, her eyes wide as saucers.
The rest of us didn't answer, too busy gaping in utter shock at the sight before us. I'll spare you readers the details; suffice to say, the man in the dinghy below us would have looked absolutely at home in a bodybuilding competition. Well, aside from the frilly magical girl outfit he was wearing, complete with the toy-like wand—which wasn't resized in the least.
"I AM MAGICAL GIRL INFERNO ANIKI!" he announced. "AND YOU PIRATES, FOR DISTURBING THE PEACE OF THE SEAS, SHALL BE PUNISHED!"
And with that, he struck a pose, the sunlight glinting off his exposed muscles.
B-B-B-BOOM!
For all of three seconds before a series of explosions decimated his boat.
"FOUL!" he shouted as he spun through the air before disappearing in a twinkle in the sky.
"I'm sorry if any of you would have preferred to do that, but personally, I reached my lifetime quota for the wrong kind of transvestites with Mr. 2," Lassoo grumbled morosely, stalking away from the edge of the boat with an air of annoyance.
"At least Bentham wasn't nearly that bad…" I groaned.
"Ugh… hey, Chopper, do you think you could apply some bleach to my brain to get rid of that image?" Zoro groused.
"I've been working on a formula since we met the Saruyama Alliance. Unless anyone has any objections, I'll dump the working prototype in tonight's dinner." Chopper shuddered. "Granted, we'll all have blood coming out of our ears for a week, but I think that's a small price to pay."
"AGREED," the rest of the crew concurred.
"Ah, you don't need any of that!" Luffy said dismissively. "All I need to do is concentrate for a second and…"
We watched in concern as Luffy stared vacantly out into the distance.
"Uh, Luffy?" Nami asked after a few minutes.
"Oh, hey, Nami!" our captain replied. "What're we doing by the railing?" He glanced at Vivi, and his eyes bugged out. "Ah! Vivi, what happened to you?!"
We stared at the captain for a few seconds before sighing despondently. "I never thought I'd say this, but I envy Luffy's brain right now," Usopp groaned.
"You, me, and everyone else in the world with half a braincell…" I concurred grimly before clapping my hands together. "For now, though… vow of silence?"
"Vow of silence," everyone else repeated.
-o-
And, of course, I took the time to throw out an SBS or two. Considering how often I'd been doing it, I elected to limit it to only once every couple of days. And the subjects thereof? Well, it seemed like I hadn't done enough of talking about the crew itself, and if Navarone showed anything, it was that common interests had a way of making allies.
-o-
Boa Hancock listened to the snail with a neutral expression as it spoke in a feminine voice.
"One of the old sayings of my family is this. A king must not give into anger. But, should you find your anger to great to contain, you must ensure it is three things. Your anger must be cold; your anger must be controlled; and your anger must be legendary."
Hancock and her sisters nodded in approval. Then the speaker on the other end chuckled sheepishly.
"But I have to admit, I'm still working on one of those three facets, but—"
"PUWW ME UP, YOU MOWONS! GET ME OFFA THIS FISHING POLE!" came a somewhat far-off voice, followed by a growl.
"Those idiots, how many times do I have to tell them…" Vivi snarled, her voice becoming quieter as she stomped away before suddenly spiking. "GET HIM OFF OF THERE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I RIP YOUR HEADS OFF YOUR NECKS!"
"Make that two facets…" Cross deadpanned.
Boa Hancock had learned the story of why Nefertari Vivi was sailing with the Straw Hats from Nyon when she delivered the snail, touching on the previous SBS broadcasts. Hearing her tale, Hancock couldn't help but feel some sympathy towards her, knowing better than anyone the cruelty of the World Government, and therefore the fate she was doomed to were she to be captured. And it was due to that, more than anything, that she did not take offense to her lectures on how royalty should act, much of which was contrary to her own actions.
Indeed, hearing what happened on the SBS was eye-opening for the Snake Princess.
"Sisters? I've decided that I will attempt to emulate Princess Nefertari Vivi in my rule from now on," she stated calmly, causing the two serpent-hybrids to look at her in equal parts incredulity and hope.
"R-Really, sister?" Marigold asked.
"I don't believe it, is this really happening?" Sandersonia clasped her hands reverentially.
"Yes," Hancock said, rising to her feet with her finger pointed in the air. "It is clear that until now, my fury has been substandard and my temper deplorably restrained! Henceforth, I, Boa Hancock, will strive to refine my rage to the point where it matches the force of a volcano, and the fury of a hurricane! If you will excuse me!" She started marching forwards. "I must practice."
With that, Hancock strode out of the throne room, leaving her sisters to remain frozen in horror as their worlds crumbled around them. Seconds later, a rather high-pitched 'yipe!' reached their ears.
"Sister, could I recommend also being kinder to the animals? Princess Nefertari did lecture about abusing one's power," Sandersonia called after her hopefully.
"Hmph. I've never gone out of my way to cause pain to these mongrels; it's hardly my fault that they're so foolish as to get in my way, is it?"
"She's hopeless," the two younger sisters murmured as they hung their heads despondently.
-o-
And so it went. We sailed on and on for weeks, enjoying a number of misadventures and escapades, each more daring and unique than the last.
It was... absolutely incredible.
Until one day, on a day like any other... it happened.
There was no warning, no chance to prepare, not even a hint of what was to occur.
One second we were sailing along peacefully, not so much as a hint of trouble in sight...
SPLASH!
The next we were surrounded by a trio of massive, literal Sea Monkeys.
I frowned grimly as Luffy made faces at the giggling Sea Kings, gripping the brim of my hat and tilting it down solemnly in order to hide a sidelong glance at Robin.
"Here we go…"
Patient AN: For all of those wondering how we managed to pull off three updates in two days, let me ask you something: did any of you actually think that Ego and I were just sitting around writing nothing while Superego was on vacation? For the sole purpose of pulling off this beautiful display of trolling, we had Chapter 31 almost finished and Navarone's skeleton planned out by the time he got back. Took a week longer than we expected to do it, but it was well worth it, I'm sure.
Hornet AN: Ah, Italy. Gorgeous weather, beautiful countryside, delicious food… and some of the most narrow, windy roads ever traversed by a tour bus. Oh, I had such a great time there. And now, I return to you with over 75,000 words of story. Hooray!
Xomniac AN: And now we return to our usual posting schedule. And just in time for one of, if not the most harrowing and badass arc in all of One Piece. Hold onto your underwear, readers, we're ramming into Water 7 at full force!
