Disclaimer blah blah. Oh and forgive me if I don't remember every line from LOTR. Oh and one more thing. I will not put in ALL Lotr dialogue, because it's plagiarism. Oh and there's some mention of the female reproductive organs. Just read it!
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Over passing months, Willy's father grew stranger. Much stranger. So did the house. The house wasn't much of a house anymore. It was a great black tower. And it was supposed to be called Orthanc. If Willy called it Mabel, he would get a resounding smack on the back of the head by the staff that Saruman Wonka had started carrying about obsessively. This explains much of Willy's weirdness today. You know, brain damage and such.
One day the strange grew old man with an affinity for smokeable weeds grown by "hobbits" and fireworks, came to visit.
Willy's father greeted him the way he greeted everyone, coldly and looking like he'd eaten high school cafeteria food. Plus he had that snarky smile he had whenever he got to do a root canal and was running low on anesthesia.
Willy was sent to his room, where he secretly nibbled on varying candies while the old coots conversed. Eventually Will grew bored writing obsessive notes on varying Skittles flavors and decided to eavesdrop on he Wizards.
In Saruman W's office he conversed with Gandalf. What they did not know was that little Willy Wonka was eavesdropping.
" Sauron has regained much of his former strength…" he heard his father say.
Sauron? Who the fiddlesticks is that? - Willy thought, confused.
"A great eye lidless… wreathed in flame" Saruman W. said.
Well now, poor Willy would have nightmares after hearing that. His father said this eye sees all. Does that mean he's seen everything Willy was up to? He felt sick. Would this Sauron fellow tell his father he was eating sweets?
"He is gathering all evil to him" Saruman W. said.
Willy suddenly pictured a great flaming eye surrounded by the McDonald's Clown, The Kool-Aid Guy, The Lucky Charms Leprechaun and Keebler Elf. He shuddered.
"How do you know this?" Gandalf asked.
"I have seen it" his father said.
Willy followed the two to the one room he was never allowed. The "Palantir" room. It was a great circular room, cold and shiny with black marble. His father uncovered a little ball on a pedestal.
"A Palantir is a very dangerous tool" Gandalf said.
"Why should we fear to use it?" Saruman Wonka asked with a cruel smile.
"They are not all accounted for the lost seeing stones! We do not know who else may be watching!" Gandalf warned throwing the cloth back on it.
Willy was completely lost at this point. There was stuff about "The Nine" and a "Ring" and this place called Mordor.
Then as much as Willy could glean from Gandalf's confusing vocabulary and riddles, Gandalf called Saruman W. "mad".
As far as Willy was concerned he was right, he father was bonkers. Anyone who burnt candy in front of a child and enjoyed putting his latex-gloved fingers in someone's mouth was certifiably insane.
However, Saruman Wonka didn't find it funny. He let out a crazy old man yell "Yah!" and the pair of old coots starting dueling.
It was quite literally an episode of ISDD or Isatari Smack Down of Doom. They were throwing each other against the walls, Willy shocked at what he saw.
Eventually Saruman sent Gandalf flying up to the very top of Orthanc, which scared Willy very much.
After that Saruman Wonka noticed his son.
"What are you doing here boy!" he growled.
"Um Dad, I um had to tell you um…" Willy searched for an excuse.
"Spit it out!" Saruman cried.
"I've gotten my friend!" Willy cried, having heard some of the older girls at his school mention it, and knowing by their talk that it was very important.
"What?" Saruman asked.
"I've gotten my friend." Willy repeated.
"Are you telling me, Willy that you have commenced menstruation?" Saruman asked.
"Uh yes?" Willy said sheepishly.
"So you are telling me my son that you! A male, have the proper reproductive organs including ovaries, a uterus and a vagina, such as a female and you are now experiencing menstruation?" Saruman W. said with a dead serious voice.
"Yes?" Willy choked.
"LIAR! Now leave! Go to the library and check put several books on Human reproduction so you can figure out why your lie is completely wrong!" Saruman Wonka roared.
So little Willy Wonka went to the library and was fully traumatized for the next ten years.
