GENERIC DISCALIMER:All characters and trademarks belong to their rightful owner, the only characters that I take claim over are Dan, Ann and a few others that I made up on my own. Again this is only a Parody…Please don't sue! I have no money and I'm on a pension!

(A/N): If you're reading this, thanks for taking the time to do so. PLEASE I can't express enough that this character isn't a self-insert. My name is David van den Berghe, not Daniel falcon.

But if you can read on despite this entire story's obvious faults, then bless you.

Well, this is my first story ever posted on the net, let alone at I'm scared as heck at how you guys are going to react.

So please guys, although this is an old chapter that I have posted- even I know it sucks. Better things will come up. Well, at least the story is actually moving…

(A/N): " --C>O>A>A-- " This symbolises a change of scene, or a long time past.


Pre-Chapter one
When cows attack
-Now in baby talk for the mentally deranged!-

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Black, everything was black. Dan floated in space; his brown hair floated with his body in zero-gee, he had two bangs on either side of his youthful face. He wore his old power armour, very 'Megaman' in design. Unfortunately, this armour has been long gone; his dammed sister wrecked it completely. His dirt brown eyes looked around in mild confusion as he floated around. Oddly enough a beanbag chair with an owl floated past.

Then he saw a bright light, the beanbag-owl disappeared and in the light, a human form appeared. The form began to run towards him then it screeched to a halt. He was face-to-face with some guy from the show 'Home and away'.

"Hello!" the guy said in a girly-high pitched voice.

"Who the hell are you!" Dan said as the he began to float away slowly, while the man seemed to be un-affected by the weird gravity at all.

"I don't have any balls!" the man declared proudly.

"Ooookaaayyy, that's nice…I'll just float over here for a while…yeah." Dan replied awkwardly.

The man then squeezed his crouch like Michael Jackson before again declaring. "It's great not having balls, people can kick you there and it won't hurt! Would you like me to rip off your balls?"

Dan began to run from the man although he couldn't get any distance because of it.
"Keep away from me you physco!" Dan yelled.

Suddenly a cat jumped in from out of nowhere and ate the man in a single gulp.

"All you base are belong to us!" The cat then cried out in a metallic voice. The cat then turned into a man cloaked in a long purple robe with a robotic face plate.

To add to the turmoil a huge 'Z' smashed into the side of his face.

The man fell over, with still the huge Z in the side of his face and said in his monotone metallic voice

"You have no chance to survive, make your time, HAHAHAHA!"

--C>O>A>A--

"WAHH!"
White, everything was white and so was Dan's face. The poor guy woke up in cold sweat for the third time this week from that dammed dream. The shirt-less Author scanned the room just to make sure it wasn't part of the dream too.

For experimental purposes he cried out "…Daniel Radcliff is gay!"

"RWWOARRR!"
TROMP TROMP TROMP

Seconds later, Ann charged in with an Ak-74 automatic rifle.Her eyes, chocolate brown, gave him a look of infuriated venom. She was Dan's sister, and happened to be a Harry potter fantic.

"You dare insult the great Radcliff? You'll die for that!" Her blondish brown long hair flew in hair as she laughed manically. She wore her trademark urban coloured military fatigues. She could be called 'cute' by a guy if she wasn't carrying a Bazooka on her back, an Uzi around her shoulder and an assault rifle in her hands.

CHIK-CHING! The Ak clicked as she loaded in a fresh magazine.

DIGGA-DIGGA DIGGA-DIGGA DIGGA-DIGGA! The Ak screamed as she discharged the fresh magazine.

Dan leaped out of bed, ducking under her metal rain. Cool as a cucumber, as if this happened every day.
He swerved left then right, then ran for the door. After dodging an entire clip of fully automatic machine gun fire, Dan dashed into the living room and dived into the couch.

"Foolish sister! You should've known my evil plot! For the remote control!" Ann then charged into the room after him and body slammed him, the two made a desperate struggle for the remote. Dan succeeded, he pointed it at the T.V and clicked, nothing happened.

Dan turned to his sister only to see her with the batteries in hand, and her face beaming evily.

--C>O>A>A--

"Kaede!" The dark voice boomed.

"Yes father, I'm here." A girl ran to him, she was shorter and rather than her father's white hair her's was night black, she was dressed like a school girl. She was wearing a white, short sleeved shirt and a short skirt. Her eyes were aquamarine in colour.

"You have not completed your mission." white clothed man yelled out to his Daughter.

"I know father." Instantly bowing to her knees

"Why?" The white haired man Asked.

"He…he is strong father, stronger than you can imagine."

"My imagination can be wide but the only thing that it is centred on now is my freedom."

"Father I cannot kill him, he cannot die."

"SILENCE!" The voice commanded.

"You are my daughter! One on the direct line of Jenova! Do not tell me this. Once you kill him you will attain his powers!"

"Father please…I can't stand this, he has done nothing wrong-erk- AHHHHH!" Kaede screamed in pain as a terrible magic force tore though her body.

"You are beginning to grow a conscience, something I cannot allow. Follow my wishes my daughter and perhaps I will allow you to keep your powers after! Remember that I hold your life in my hands, do not make me take it…"

Kaede's agony suddenly stopped as her father relented.

"But what you say is true; he is a virtuous man. But... he wants to destroy you as well- don't forget you almost killed his son." A tear ran down Kaede's cheek at her father's words.

"Kaede, I give you a gift, a sword, my sword, the Mesamune." The huge Katana dropped to the floor, almost 4 metres long.

Kaede leaned over and grasped the long blade's handle; she was temped to drive it into her father's black heart. Then there was a sound behind her, a small one and high pitched. Her father disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Wait up Pikachu!" a young voice called out.

"Pika!" The small creature cried back.

"Hey Pikachu what did you find?" Ash Ketchum asked his little yellow rat.

"Pikapi!"

"Oh hey a girl, and is that a sword?"

"Pika? PIKA!"

SLICE!

"Pikachu! NO!"

"Save your screaming, you're next."

--C>O>A>A--

"Mecha!" The dark voice boomed.

"Yes father, I'm here." The undersized lump in the sheets cringed.

His small head poked out of the top of the sheets. 11-13 in age, 154 cm tall and short dark grey hair. He loved to sleep with almost nothing on; still, he managed to wear some 'love heart' boxers.

"I'm tired…." The young boy yawned as he dragged himself out of bed, wiping at his chocolate brown eyes.

"Aww, good for you. Up and at' em Mecha, you're more that 500 years old and you're not fooling anyone." His father stated, having dressed in a white shirt over his blue jeans.

"I was hatching for 500 years… I'm only 12 years old!"

"Now, now, you shouldn't lie about your age."

Dan brought his head to the monitor of the TV as it blared out its usual report.

"On today's news, Pikachu is found with its decapitated head in a gutter, there is a lot of blood likely from a sword slash- however, experts believe that he died of heart failure.

Soon later Ash Ketcum's mangled and barely alive body was found in a trash compactor. And after the break we tell the story of a cute three legged puppy and how he saved Christmas!"

Dan's head perked up, an odd aroma sifted though the air.

"…Father… what's that smell?"

"Don't look at me!" Dan yelled.

"Gollum! Gollum! Sméagol delivery, my precious!" Came a raspy yet high-pitched voice.

"ANN!" Dan cried out, alerting his sister. "Your post is here!" The former author paid the nice, evil hobbit and tossed the box to his sister.

Ann opened it up like a whirlwind. Whatever was inside, it made Ann scream… manically.

"It's my order! The official robe that Daniel Radcliff used while shooting one of the Harry Potter movies!" His sister said, almost hyperventilating.

"Down, girl!" Dan said trying to calm his over-stimulated sister.

"Here Dan try it on! I'd bet you'd look just like him!"

"NO! STAY AWAY! ARGGHHH!"

--C>O>A>A--

Fifteen minutes later, Dan walked outside in his drafted Cosplay uniform while trying to check the post box. A single letter, it was gold encrusted and can mean only one thing the L.O.W.A (League of Web Authors) were requesting his assistance…again.

He opened the letter, a metal sheet glided out easily.

Dear Dan, former 'Author' class L.O.W.A agent

We, the council of LOWA have enlisted your help once again 'Enlisted? More like drafted Daniel thought. ' We understand you have no Author powers left 'Duh' we shall re-power you with some of your abilities including 'Random coincidence' 'Never know…' 'dimensional teleporting', and of course, limited Fictionite 'key word is 'limited''
We at LOWA have enclosed the directions you must take to get to your task, please go to Hagrid; he will help you get to your contact 'Good 'ol Hagrid'- ask for transportation to the L-H dimension
Should you accept please stand on your head and scream like a chicken
'Sadistic pricks'

May the force be with you…always

P.S I like pie!

The council dude

Dan looked up at the sky.
'They're watching me aren't they? Oh to hell with it.'

"BUCK! BUCK! BUC-KAW!"

--C>O>A>A--

"Ann, Mecha, suit up." Dan told his sister as he walked inside, taking off his Harry potter robe, revealing his white shirt and blue jeans under it.

"What's the rush?" She asked, jumping up from the couch.

"It's time for me to be an Author again."

-End Pre-Chapter one


(A/N): Urgh, I can't get over how much this chapter sucked. I feel like I messed up big by posting it on the site. Well, at least now I'm starting to achive what I wanted in the first place.