Chapter 39
"Are you insane, Cross?!" Bartolomeo yelped.
Apis opened her mouth—
"Rhetorical question, dammit!" Bartolomeo snapped, prompting the dragon keeper to close her mouth and look away with an innocent smile. "Alright, Cross has to know he's bringing the wrath of the Marines on his head for this." He turned around, looking to the two lower-grade ex-Baroque Works agents on board. "How much of a response are we looking at here? Five battleships? Ten?"
Miss Valentine, deathly pale, took a moment to compose herself before answering. "For this sort of situation? When the Marines and the World Government as a whole are taking a shot straight to the dead center of their reputations?" She gulped audibly, sweat dotting her brow. "Try all of them."
Bartolomeo clicked his tongue and began pacing back and forth on the deck. "And with all the Admirals, too. Dammit. I don't think Cross is going to bullshit his way out of this one. Not on his own." His pacing continued for a few more minutes as he stewed in thought, before abruptly turning his gaze on Apis again. "Apis, you can talk to animals, right?"
Apis' expression fell flat as jabbed a finger at the dragon she was riding, with Lindy adopting a flat look of his own in turn.
"Right, stupid question. What I meant to ask was if you can talk to a Transponder Snail from a distance, without seeing it? Tell it to keep its trap shut for… what, a few minutes?"
"Ah…" Apis hesitated as she glanced at the crew's snail with a searching expression before looking back at her captain, her mouth drawn in a thin line. "Maybe? I could give it a shot with Kula's help, I think, but as for the orders bit… I can give orders, sure, but whether they listen or not isn't really up to me." She ran her fingers through her companion's hair in a manner that was more meant to calm herself than the dragon. "I've gotten lucky with Lindy because we have a past…"
"It'll have to do," Bartolomeo sighed. "Call Capricorn, I need one last piece of information."
"What are you planning, Captain?" Gin said out of the corner of his mouth, eyeing his superior as Apis got their snail's attention and started talking to it.
"Something insane, guaranteed to triple all of our bounties if it works and kill us if it doesn't," Bartolomeo muttered as he gnawed on his thumb. "And I'm not sure it's even going to work. You'll probably figure it out once I call Capricorn, anyway." He then shot his first mate a savage grin. "Easiest way of puttin' it, though? If the Straw Hats are takin' a page from the Emperors, then we're taking a page from them."
Gin opened his mouth to respond—
KA-LICK!
"Capricorn."
"Rooster," Bartolomeo replied. "I'm twenty kilometers south-southeast of the Tub Current between Marineford and Enies Lobby. Where's the nearest Celestial Dragon vessel?"
For a moment there was silence. Then Hina answered, Gin hastily shushing the rest of the poleaxed crew around him.
"A Celestial Dragon vessel?! Rooster, what in the world are you—?!"
"You're listening to the SBS, you know exactly what I'm planning to do," Bartolomeo practically snarled. "This is the only way I can think of to draw off a large enough force to matter." A shaky grin spread across his face. "Besides, I'm not just charging blindly into this. I have a plan."
"… Forgive me if that doesn't fill me with much confidence." There was an explosive sigh on the line, followed by rustling cloth. "Annoyed, Hina is very annoyed because she definitely has a migraine, and it's only a little after midnight… But fine. As it so happens, there's a Celestial Dragon pleasure yacht near your location. Just park yourself outside the edge of the current and you'll have them."
"Thanks. Rooster out." And with that, Bartolomeo put the phone back in its cradle, then turned around and waited for the inevitable explosion.
He was not disappointed.
"Captain, are you insane—!"
"I hate the Celestial Dragons as much as the next guy, but—"
"There is a point at which you can imitate the Straw Hats too much, and this has clearly passed it!"
"That'll bring an Admiral down on our—!"
"Quiet!" Gin roared.
The crew shut up, looking expectantly at Gin.
"Why don't we let the captain explain before we all decide to mutiny out of self-preservation?" he suggested. Well, 'suggested' inasmuch as any man tapping a ball of metal the size of a bowling ball in his palm can 'suggest', anyways.
"Thanks," Bartolomeo muttered to his first mate as the grumbling died down.
"Don't thank me yet," Gin snapped as he swung his tonfa around to point at his captain. "I already served under a suicidally insane captain once in my life and I nearly paid for it with my life, I won't make that same mistake again. If you don't have a damn good plan, I'll be first in line to kick your ass."
"Duly noted." Bartolomeo took a deep breath, firmed his features, and took a step forward. "Yes, I am planning exactly what you all think I am! Yes, that will bring an Admiral down on our heads! But!" A finger snapped up, pre-empting any sort of protest. "Right now, the Straw Hats are minutes away from having probably the greatest force the Marines have ever assembled dropping on theirs! If we can draw off five battleships and an Admiral on a wild goose chase, then maybe we can even the odds just enough for the Straw Hats to use their patented brand of bullshit to escape!"
"And how do you plan to turn it into a wild goose chase, huh?" Mr. 5 shouted.
Bartolomeo grinned a grin that had way too many teeth for comfort. "Well, let me tell you."
-o-
"So, let me see if I've got this straight," Paulie reflected as he bashed an arrangement of Marines and agents with his Figure-Of-Eight Knot. "Two days ago, I thought that Kaku and Lucci being government agents was nonsense, CP9 was a myth, and charging Enies Lobby on a rescue/revenge mission was something that nobody in the world was crazy enough to do." He sighed as he absently flung a string of Pipe-Hitch Knives through the assembled army, tripping up a full contingent of the soldiers even as he nonchalantly ducked under a swing from an agent and rammed his forearm into the man's throat. "Then along came the Straw Hat Pirates. I don't think I need to say any more than that."
"Yeah, that just about about covers it, doesn't it?" Kashi laughed as he swung his axe down into the side of a building, the ensuing collapse simultaneously robbing our enemies of yet another potential assault platform and blocking off an alleyway that they could try and flank us from. "I see why our captains liked them so much!"
"Heh, I agree!" Oimo cackled as he wound his club back and batted a mortar shell out of the air, utterly ignoring the explosion that erupted as a result. "Makes sense too! They've been on Little Garden for the past hundred years, they missed the start of this new age! Heck…" The giant paused in shock. "Wow, they even missed Roger. That's…" He scratched the side of his head thoughtfully, even as Marine bullets washed over him like a summer's rain. "Actually kinda sad."
"Eh, don't worry about it," I chuckled as I dodged a swing from an agent coming at me with a pair of brass knuckles before lunging forward to jab my baton into his throat. I then flipped it in my grip and electrified it as I jabbed it into the small of his back once he doubled over. "At least they managed to meet his successor! I mean…" I hefted Lassoo and aimed him into the crowd, blasting out a half-dozen bombs over the front lines and sowing a nice amount of chaos as a result. "That's gotta count for something, right?"
"I know that meeting Luffy sure changed my life for the weird, that's for sure!" Usopp chuckled, taking a knee in order to get a better angle with his Kabuto and no doubt take down yet another wannabe with a rifle who had the audacity to call themselves a sniper in his presence.
"Damn straight!" I nodded as I blocked a Marine's sword with Lassoo's bulk, before pocketing my baton and jabbing a gauntlet full of Impact into the soldier's gut. I then glanced over at Soundbite. "By the way, apropos of nothing, mind providing a sitrep?"
"Current headcount is reaching near a thousand! ABOUT HALF of whatever soldiers are still conscious ARE RUNNING AWAY, spouting such lines as 'I didn't sign up for this' and 'We can't even slow them down!' And my personal favorite, 'If the Straw Hats manage to get away with this, I'll take it as confirmation that faith in the Marines is as ill-founded as Cross says!'" the snail cheered.
I gaped at him in awe. "They did not say that."
"OH YES THEY DID!"
"Sounds like you're actually managing to get through to some people!" Zambai called over to me as he took down a squad that had been going for Sodom and Gomorrah, who were giving the Marines and agents an appropriate level of hell.
"But anyways, AS FOR OUR VANGUARD…" His smile dropped into a scowl. "I can follow Luffy's trail, and he downed A COUPLE THOUSAND ON HIS OWN, BUT RIGHT NOW, HE'S OUT OF MY RANGE."
I considered that for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Meh, that's fi—GAH!" I yelped as I ducked under some jackass who'd just tried to shoot me! "HEY, WATCH IT, I'M FIGHTIN' OVER HERE!" I roared at the bastard before scowling and returning fire with a trio of baseball bombs. "Ass. Anyway, where—? Oh, right!" I bounced the heel of my palm off my head. "It's Luffy. He'll be fine."
-o-
"Whoa… what the heck? How do they get across?" Luffy wondered as he stared down into the gap over the abyss below Enies proper. He then pounded a fist into his palm. "Oh, right, Cross said there's a drawbridge. I think that I could probably Rocket over…" Then he grimaced as he crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side. "But I bet they have tons of other cheap tricks and stuff that Cross knows about but I don't that would make me get lost. So, now I have to wait for everyone else to catch up? Aw, man…" He hung his head with a groan. "That sucks…"
He maintained his position for a few minutes before looking up and glancing around curiously as some of his rubbery neurons chose to fire. "Hey, wait… why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?"
"Air Door."
The rubber-man scowled darkly and angled his hat down over his eyes before glancing back at the interloper who was suddenly standing behind him. "Oh, yeah. I need to kick your ass first."
"There seem to be some discrepancies between the report and the actual situation," Blueno intoned, ignoring the death glare Luffy was pinning him with. "To be honest, it did seem more than a little suspicious. For anyone to believe that someone like you could ever only take down just five soldiers…" He shook his head with a sigh. "Well, I suppose that fear is as good a motivation for denial as any."
The rubber man snorted darkly as he turned to face Blueno. "So. Bull-head guy. Are you here to stop me?" Luffy asked, momentarily glancing back at his pipe before putting his fists up.
Blueno scoffed in a somewhat insulted manner. "Please. You're the fool here, Monkey D. Luffy, not me. Your reputation through the SBS precedes you, and though I never expected to say this to any criminal, I admit that neither I nor many of my comrades are strong enough to defeat you. Basically, I can't do anything against you."
Luffy blinked in surprise as he marginally relaxed from his stance. "Eh? Really? So… are you just going to let us go?"
The bull-headed Pol agent's gaze somehow became even flatter. "No."
"Oh…" Luffy blinked in confusion. "So, then…?"
"What I can do," he said as he slowly cracked his neck back and forth. "Is give my chief a more complete status report than what he received earlier. After all, unlike you, we don't need to fight you to accomplish our goals. All we need to do is get Nico Robin past the Gates of Justice."
Luffy felt a twinge of panic rise within himself as he remembered Cross' words. However, rather than reacting with panic like most people, Luffy reacted how he'd almost always reacted to fear: with more anger. "Do you really think I'm going to let you get away and steal Robin?!" he growled as he slowly reached over his back and clutched his pipe.
Blueno allowed a mocking smirk to quirk his lips. "What I think," he drawled as he reached his arm out and cracked a portion of the air open. "Is that you can't stop me."
"You wanna bet?!" Luffy demanded, spreading his legs apart and crouching down, preparing to pump his calves—
SLAM!
Only for a metric ton of something to slam onto the roof and obscure Luffy's line.
Luffy winced in confusion as he snapped his arm up to guard himself from the dust cloud that the mass's meteoric entrance had kicked up. A tsking sound caught his attention, and he lowered his arm enough to catch sight of a large gray wolf with a large scar over its left eye, a black Fu Manchu mustache, long hair in a queue, and a black jacket and tie that covered very little of its chest, standing where Blueno had been.
Or, more specifically, standing on where Blueno had been. And on Blueno, too, for that matter.
"Tsk tsk tsk," the wolf tutted in a condescending tone of voice as he shook his claw in Blueno's face. "Sorry, Blueno, I know that we've only just met again after five years, buuut the fact is that there's no chance that I'm gonna let you do that."
"Ergh…" Blueno coughed up a mouthful of blood as he struggled to try and work himself out from under the wolf-Zoan's foot. "Jabra… you… what the hell do you think you're doing…?"
In an instant, a wave of sadness and regret swept over the wolf's muzzle. "It was many years ago when I was young, on an island far away—!"
"WILL YOU CUT YOUR DAMN BULLSHIT ALREADY, YOU FLEA-BITTEN—GUH!" Blueno's furious roar was cut off by a massive furry palm slamming his head into the rooftop. Said palm then closed into a fist around Blueno's head and lifted him into the air, in spite of how much he tried to struggle and flail,
"You want the truth, you two-bit one-trick pony?" Jabra snarled as he held his comrade close to his muzzle. "Fine, here it is: If you tell Spandam about what's going on, odds are that that spineless coward will order us to fall back and regroup. He'll take Nico Robin to the Gates, and he'll take Lucci with him so that when Straw Hat inevitably charges after him, he's who he fights, while we are left mopping up the scraps."
Jabra marginally loosened his grip on Blueno's head, before strengthening it, causing his fellow agent to jerk in pain. "Fuck. That. Fuck Nico Robin, fuck the World Government, fuck that spineless piece of subhuman slime we call a chief, fuck the mission you all fucked up, fuck the power rankings, and above all else?" Jabra drew his hackles back into a blood-hungry snarl. "Fuck Lucci. This brat is mine. I've wanted my ten rounds with him since that Back Fight, and I'll be damned if I let Lucci have them instead. I want a hunt that can fucking fight back, and I am fucking getting it! So, stay the hell—!" The massive Zoan wound his arm back and uncoiled in a single smooth motion, sending Blueno crashing into the parapet lining the roof. "OUT OF MY WAY!"
The Door-Man coughed up a mouthful of blood as he tried to pull himself up, only to collapse as his body gave up the ghost and plunged him into sweet oblivion.
The wolf-man snorted in satisfaction before cracking his head back and forth and shooting a cocky grin at the other conscious person on the roof. "So. Straw Hat Luffy. Nice to meet you. The name's Jabra of CP9, and what you see here is the result of the Mutt-Mutt Fruit, Model: Wolf." His cocky grin grew to savage proportions as he spread his arms and flexed his muscles in anticipation. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for a chance to fight you."
Luffy didn't move from where he'd been standing throughout the entire conversation, his hat tilted down to mask his expression.
Jabra twitched irritably, his smirk fading back to a more casual habitual scowl. "Hey! Are you paying attention?"
"He was your friend."
Jabra's ear flicked in confusion as he heard a faint growl. "What the—?" His ears then folded against his scalp when Luffy suddenly looked up at him and glared.
A decade back, Vice Admiral Garp, AKA 'Garp the Hero', had personally come by the Tower of Justice to tear CP9 a new one for a particularly civilian-casualty-heavy mission.
That had been the last time Lucci had ever willingly disobeyed orders in any way, shape or form.
Jabra had known that Straw Hat could drop the idiotic smile in favor of rage with the right incentive, he'd been counting on it. But he sure as hell hadn't counted on the glare he was seeing now mirroring the same intensity he'd seen in that monster that the Marines had labelled a Vice Admiral.
Luffy ground his teeth as he only just managed to restrain himself. "That guy," he reiterated with a voice full of unholy wrath. "Was your friend. He was your friend. And you hurt him." Pure hellfire flared in Straw Hat's eyes. "Just so that you could have a chance to fight me?"
Jabra swallowed heavily and prepared to open his mouth. He prepared to rebut the pirate's assumption with an explanation about how this sort of thing was par for the course for Pol agents, how Blueno's injuries were comparatively minor and that he'd be fine in a couple of hours, how there would be no lasting hard feelings in the end…
And then he reconsidered. He remembered the Back Fight, he remembered the psyche profile the agents had been given on Straw Hat… and with more adrenaline than blood in his veins, he donned his smirk yet again. "And so what if I did?" he rumbled in a pompous tone. "That pathetic weakling. He spent the last five years as a bartender, and all for what, to fail at the eleventh hour? Heheheh… HAHAHAHAHA!" He threw his head back and roared with mocking laughter. "Hell, I bet he doesn't even remember how to fight anymore! He's pathetic! Useless! A disgrace to Cipher Pol No. 9!"
He kept laughing uproariously for a minute before trailing off into wheezes and chuckles. He wiped some tears out of his eyes before casting a mocking smirk at the pirate. "What the hell does it matter to you?"
His amusement then proceeded to die a painful death as he became acutely aware of the horrendous mistake he'd just made. Before, the most infamous rookie of this generation had mirrored Garp. Now? The old man paled in comparison to the glare he was faced with now.
And this feeling only redoubled when the pirate dropped into a crouch, knees bent, his right fist cracking the roof beneath him, and his left out to his side, holding a somehow menacing pipe out and at the ready.
"GEAR," Straw Hat Luffy rumbled savagely. "SECOND."
'I just fucked up.'
Those were the last thoughts to run through Jabra's head before his field of vision was filled with fist, and he was forced to start fighting for his life.
-o-
"And even if he isn't, then he will be after he gets his teeth on some meat," I shrugged casually as I held a Marine in a nice and tight chokehold. "Also, remind me, how long am I supposed to hold him for after he stops moving, three seconds or five?" That comment got the guy flailing even harder.
"Three, I think!" Kiwi called as she retreated from a Marine who was going a little nutso with his sword.
"And for the record," Mozu continued as she got behind the Marine in question and cut him down to size. "I'll never understand how Straw Hat's body treats meat like a miracle cure-all!"
"That's one of—! Oh, for the love of God, how long can you hold your damn breath!? Screw it." I slammed my fist into the back of the bastard's head, thankfully knocking him out and allowing me to drop him. "Anyway, where was I…"
"How Luffy's carnivore metabolism is one of THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD? Though I'm confused as to IT COUNTS AS MANMADE OR NATUR—INCOMING MORTAR!"
"HOLY!" I yelped in a panic as I dove into the dirt and narrowly avoided being blasted to smithereens. I spent a second staring into the ground with my hands clasped over the back of my head before looking up with a dark scowl. "Right, that's enough of this bullshit. Soundbite, connect me to the cavalry so that we can shove a horseshoe up these bastards' asses."
"GIMME A second!"
I shoved myself to my feet and retreated back from the front lines of the fight, allowing the Franky Family to fill my space as I got myself some breathing room and pressed one of my headphone's speakers to my ear.
"This is Snailmail calling Rocketman, Snailmail calling Rocketman, COME IN, Rocketman!"
"Rocketman is requesting you stop acting like the assless dumbass you are, Soundbite," Nami growled irritably.
"C'mon, baby, show me some love! I'M BURNIN' OUT A FUSE up here alone!"
"Oi!" I barked, shooting a glare at the snail out of the corner of my eye.
"Eh… mostly ALONE, ANYWAYS?" Soundbite chuckled sheepishly.
"Are you just calling to screw around or—?"
"We've managed to clear out a section for the Rocketman," I cut in. "Kokoro, the landing zone is free and clear, let him loose and bring it in!"
"Wait, Cross, you never told us what you mean by 'landing zone'!" Vivi cut in, a rather large hint of desperate panic in her voice.
"You do recall that there are no brakes on that train you're riding, right?" I grinned sadistically. "And those fences around the entrance are part sea prism stone, so they're gonna bend before Zoro, not break. Buckle up, this is gonna hurt."
"NOT A CHANCE IN—!" Nami screamed desperately.
"NAGAGAGAGA!" Kokoro cackled over Nami's enraged shout. "I suppose it's only fate, isn't it? This bronco was made for you guys! EVERYONE HOLD ON TIGHT, NAGAGAGAGA!"
"Don't even think about it you old—EAGH!" Vivi's own protests were cut off by what I could only presume was a sudden burst of acceleration.
I spared a moment to laugh about Nami's apparent panic before throwing out a Soundbite-enhanced whistle, garnering the attention of the Franky Family fighting around me. "EVERYONE CLEAR SOME SPACE, WE GOT INCOMING REINFORCEMENTS!"
While the 'humans' of our crew had the good sense to comply and clear a space, Kashi made the most unwise choice of pausing in the middle of the island's main street and glancing back at me in confusion. "Eh? Reinforcements? Really? Where are th—?"
WOOOOOOT!
"What the—!?"
Kashi had just enough time to look up in shock…
CRUNCH!
Before Rocketman plowed straight into the middle of his face, bounced off, and skidded down the street.
I eyed the up-ended trainwreck for a second before looking over Kashi's insensate and groaning form. "We didn't just lose one of our major big-hitters, did we?" I called up to Oimo.
The club-wielding giant waved his hand with a scoff. "Are you kiddin'? Kashi's taken more headshots than most of our old crew combined! He'll be fine!" He then proceeded to cover his mouth as he snickered in amusement. "Though… I don't think a lot of giants are gonna think that being the first giant to be hit in the face by a sea-train is all that 'honorable'!"
"'Crew you, Oimo…" Kashi blearily groaned.
"Told you so!"
"Moving past the stupidly high resiliency of giants," Lulu piped up as he shoved a spike of hair protruding from his chest flat and caused a new one to pop from the top of his skull. "Are you sure that your friends are alright? After all, that was a pretty hard landing, and the Marines are starting to swarm the train."
I leveled a flat look at the shipwright. "Have you been paying any attention to the SBS? I give it all of five seconds before that swarm gets swatted."
"FOUR, THREE, TWO—!" Soundbite crowed.
KA-BOOM!
My grin went from ear to ear as the side of Rocket Man's car blew itself out, blasting away all of the Marines nearby and allowing a full host of utter demons to storm out and start laying waste to the ranks of our enemies. "Ah, I love my crewmates."
Paulie swallowed heavily and wiped away the sudden layer of cold sweat he'd acquired as he watched my crewmates inflict more damage on the army of Marines in the course of three minutes than we all had in the past ten. "…In case it hasn't been said enough? So glad that we're fighting with you monsters instead of against. I don't think Water 7 or Galley-La would have survived if we were on opposite sides."
"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Soundbite cackled in agreement.
I started to snicker anew at the irony, before freezing in abject terror as I felt a wave of what could only be described as pure existential dread sweep over me. I promptly adopted a 'deer in the headlights' maneuver as I caught sight of Carue stalking towards me, Nami and Vivi both on his back and an aura of rage and murder around them; I honestly wasn't sure if I was hallucinating, if it was actually visible, or if Nami was just generating thunderclouds for effect.
"N-Now guys, look—" I backed up desperately as the two dismounted and started approaching me.
"Cross…" Vivi began, before shrugging with a sheepish smile. "I admit my fault: that was actually kind of fun."
I blinked in surprise and more than a little confusion before freezing in horrified realization. Horror that became nothing short of utter terror when a fist suddenly grabbed my throat and brought me face to face with the visage of the Angel of Death.
See, that aura of rage I'd seen earlier? It wasn't the aura of two women who wanted my head.
It was all from one Nami who really, really wanted my head on a spike.
"N-N-Nami, d-don't you think you're overreacting? L-L-Luffy does stuff like this all the time, and you're n-never this mad at hi—ERK!" I was cut off by her squeezing my throat shut.
"You let me ride on that death trap for your own amusement, Cross," Nami cut me off in a voice of icy calm. "Luffy is an idiot. A lovable idiot that I trust with my life. He doesn't think things through, and we have to put up with the consequences, and I accepted that when I joined this crew for good."
I struggled to keep conscious as her grip tightened. "Myergh…"
"You, on the other hand, are not only one of the smarter members of the crew, but know enough to let us steer the hell clear of catastrophes like this." Our Navigator held up a segment of her Clima-Tact and slammed her thumb into a hidden button, prompting it to light up with a crackle of lightning. "So. I'm going to give you ten seconds to give me three good reasons why I shouldn't obliterate all the progress Chopper made on getting rid of your trauma, and make Eneru look like a case of static discharge."
Her grip slackened enough that I could begin gasping out answers. "First, I knew you wouldn't die from something like that, second, your alternative choices were coming to the front lines when I left or going with Luffy when he left, and third…" I pointed to the side, where a growing crowd of Marines was approaching and actually positioning themselves into a firing line whoa that was a lot of guns! "You have plenty of other targets to take out your anger on?" I punctuated the statement with a panicky grin.
Nami processed my words with a still-enraged expression for several moments, her gaze thankfully directed at the Marines, before the aura changed direction and she let me drop onto my ass.
"I'll deal with you once we're back on Water 7," she bit out as she marched towards the Marines, assembling her Clima-Tact piece by piece as she went. "But for now…"
She finished assembling the staff and started spinning it at her side, a milky white outline appearing on the outside of the blue blur.
"These boys are mine."
The Marines chose that moment to open fire, blasting out a barrage of musket fire at us that would have no doubt incapacitated or killed at least a dozen of our number.
At least, were it not for Nami snarling and swinging her Clima-Tact forward with a furious bellow. "EISEN TEMPO!"
A barrage of foamy white surged from her staff as a result of the motion, writhing and flowing for a second before coalescing into an earthbound cloud-like barrier between us and the Marines. However, as cloud-like as the barrier appeared, the fact that we weren't reduced to swiss cheese by a hail of gunfire indicated that they'd failed to break through it.
Nami held her position for a scant second before allowing herself a grin. She then swung her arm out, causing the cloud barrier to surge out in turn and shove over two dozen Marines off their feet. A sweep to the side and the fallen Marines were sent tumbling into a massive pile, clearing the way for the clouds to surge forward again and start lashing out at the Marines behind them. The clouds in question attacked like a poor man's Smoker, growing and lashing out at who or whatsoever it chose that came near it and then flailing about in a thoroughly ruthless manner.
But that wasn't the most disturbing part of the display. The disturbing part was the wielder of the cloud herself. Nami's growing grin and the way she was swooping and twirling her staff around her body with increasing style and complexity was reminiscent of a demonic orchestra conductor… or a witch.
Of course, Soundbite was helping to reinforce the latter image with a stupidly familiar song:
"Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble~"
"Yeah," I nodded in equal parts wariness and awe. "And by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way co—ACK!"
Nami remained gleeful a full minute into her performance before pausing and allowing her expression to darken as she caught sight of what few Marines were still standing begin to turn tail and run. "Oh, no no no nooooo…" Nami crooned sadistically, a roaring fury igniting behind her eyes as she swung her staff around her body and caused a new aura of clouds to coalesce around her. "You think that after all that you've done to our crew… after all you've done to my friends…" She chuckled mirthlessly for a second, and then the clouds darkened and started to rumble as she scowled. "No. No, you bastards don't get to run away!"
With that, she swung her Clima-Tact behind her and conjured a pillar of thunderclouds. The pillar angled itself like a scorpion's tail as it faced the Marines, and with a jerk of the staff, the pillar split itself in half lengthwise, opening up an empty space within which lightning crackled and danced.
Nami slowly cracked her neck back and forth in preparation. Then, in one deft move, she jabbed her staff forward to point at the retreating Marines.
"Lightning Bolt Tempo."
And just like that, the cloud snapped forwards and the wrath of the heavens themselves was unleashed upon those poor unfortunate souls. I swear that I actually managed to see outlines of their skeletons once or twice, but for obvious reasons, I wasn't able to appreciate the sight quite as much as I would have liked… to which Nami remained perfectly oblivious. She took in the sight of the charbroiled Marines for a few seconds before squealing and jumping in a clear display of joy as she hugged her staff like it was the Hope Diamond or her newborn. Either or, really.
"Oh, yes yes yes yes yes! This thing is so utterly totally and completely awesome and it's all mine mine mine and I am never ever ever letting it go ever because I loooove it like I've never loved anything since Bellemere and Nojiko and the crew and I love you for giving it to me, Cross, thank you so so so much!" she squealed and sang euphorically. She then spun around and snapped a finger to point at me. "But don't think that means I've forgiven you yet either, you inconsiderate bastard!"
"No effing kidding, woman!" I choked as I grappled with the freaking Eisen Hand that was holding me a foot off the ground as it WRUNG MY NECK!
"Nami!" Vivi demanded as she yanked on the white hand's fingers, an effort that was completely and utterly ineffectual on account of how the damn thing was as solid as iron! "I've been mad at Cross plenty of times, but this is going too far! Let him go!"
"Wha—!?" Nami snapped her gaze to her staff in shock before shaking her head desperately. "B-B-But I'm not doing this! Or, well, I-I-I don't think I am?!"
It was at that point that a portion of the arm strangling me split off and started punching me in my freaking face! "I—OW!—SORELY—OW!—BEG—OW!—TO DIFFER—OWOWOW!"
"I-I-I don't—!" Nami shook her head desperately.
"Maybe becaushe of you'we deep psychowogicaw connecshion with meteowology, yoah subconscioush mind, yoah 'Id', ish ushing the Eishen Cwoud as an outwet to intewact with the physhical wowld and enact yoah wepwessed fwustations with Cwoss?"
We all paused and snapped an incredulous look at the speaker.
"Whad?" Carue gave us all a flat look. "I wead some a' Choppah's books when I've got nothing else tah do, shue me."
"Riiiight…" Nami drawled before glancing at her Clima-Tact. "So… how do I…?"
"Wemove the outwet, I guesh," the duck shrugged helplessly.
"Ah…?"
"DROP THE DAMN STAFF!" Vivi, Soundbite and I roared, though I more squawked than anything.
"R-Right!" Nami yelped as she forced her fingers open and dropped her Clima-Tact. She then slapped her palms together in front of her face in apology. "I-I'm so sorry about that, Cross, I'd never go this far, I swear!"
"Then why the HECK ARE YOU still doing it?!"
"Wha—GAH!" Nami yelped in shock when she noticed that her palms weren't together, due to the fact that her other hand was still holding the staff. Or so it seemed through my rapidly blurring vision.
Our navigator promptly snapped her grip open and dropped the Clima-Tact again… and then reeled back again as she noticed that her other hand had snatched up the staff. The process repeated itself almost half a dozen times as Nami tried to rid herself of her weapon in vain. Ultimately, Nami drew her arm back and desperately flung the Clima-Tact away, going so far as to watch as the metal rod clattered down the street.
She turned around and pumped her fist in victory before staring at the staff clutched in her fist with equal parts exasperation and terror. "I think that I might have a serious problem…" she whispered numbly.
"YOU THINK!?" Vivi and Carue screeched. I would have joined them, were it not for the fact that I wasn't taking in enough breath to do more than gasp at this point.
"Oh, for the love of—THAT'S IT!" Soundbite barked indignantly, sliding his way onto the mass of clouds crushing my throat. "I'M TAKING MATTERS into my own TEETH! GASTRO-BLAST!"
The clouds promptly blasted apart and dropped me on my ass, allowing me to suck air down my abused throat. "Gah...that was way too close!" I gasped.
Nami promptly snapped out of it and grabbed her own wrist, visibly concentrating on her fingers as she brought her Eisen Cloud to heel so that it was merely hovering around her body like some kind of meteorological halo. "Sorry about that, Cross," she apologized with a sheepish grin. "Good thing I didn't activate the lightning, right?"
I showed her just how little I appreciated my good fortune with a roadkill-flat glare. "You're getting therapy from Chopper," I ground out.
She promptly hung her head with a sob. "Aye-aye, sir…"
Nodding firmly, I turned my attention back towards the rest of the crew, who had taken the liberty of subduing anyone who still fought back. Interestingly, there were at least a dozen of them who were kneeling on the ground, weapons gone, hands raised in surrender, who looked unharmed.
I got to my feet and made a beeline for those soldiers. "Lemme guess," I piped up with a cocked eyebrow. "You guys all got wise to the fact that there's no chance in hell that you're going to stop us and you decided to take the easy route?"
Most of them nodded, some in shame, some in fear. One, however, looked up with a defiant expression. "I have no illusions about us being able to defeat your crew. But Cipher Pol No. 9 is a different story, and they're waiting for you in the Tower of Justice. We'll see if you're still confident when you start fighting against them."
His tone was firm, but not condescending; it was clear that he was speaking from his faith in the organization he followed. So I almost felt bad about what I was about to do next. Spot the key word in that sentence.
"Really, now?" I crouched down so that I could look the soldier in the eye. "Well then, Marine, here's a question for you: did you happen to see CP9 when they returned to base?"
"No, but if you're going to spew some nonsense about defeating them before they even got here—"
"Oh, no, nothing like that… though not for lack of trying, I assure you, they just managed to run away like the cowardly bitches they are before we could stop them. But!" I snapped a finger up when the soldier started to open his mouth. "That's off-topic. Tell me, Marine: do you know how many CP9 Agents were meant to be on the Puffing Tom upon its return to base?"
The Marine jutted his chin out proudly. "Five. Add the three already here, and that makes eight agents ready and willing to put you pirate scum to death."
My grin widened at the words and only got wider as I slowly turned my head to regard the soldier's neighbor, who'd suddenly gone pale. "I think your friend might have something to say about that, Marine."
The defiant soldier glanced at his neighbor and jerked in shock. "What the—? Jenkins, what's—?"
"F-Four…"
"Huh?"
The panicked soldier slowly turned his head to give the other Marine a terrified look. "I-I-I saw the Cipher Pol return… a-and there were o-only four agents with them! N-Nero was missing!"
And just like that, the defiance bled out of the soldier and he too paled in horror. "Y-You mean—!?"
I pressed my advantage by grabbing his collar and bringing him face to face with me. "My Paramecia Captain has made a habit of eating Logias for breakfast, Marine," I whispered malevolently. "What the hell do you think he's going to do to a Zoan?"
The Marine stammered and shivered where he was sitting. I opened my mouth to say something further—
"Leave 'em alone, Cross."
And promptly snapped a look over my shoulder as someone slapped me on it. "Do I have to?" I whined.
"But of course!" Soundbite snickered before switching to using my voice. "After all, it's cruel and unusual to torture poor, defenseless pests like them. Save it for the poor, defenseless ASSASSINS!"
"Awww, that's too bad…" I grabbed the defiant Marine's cheek and tugged on it. "After all, they're so cute when they're terrifi—OWOWOW" I yelped in agony when a vice grabbed my ear and started yanking me along.
"Save your unholy skills at mental torture for the ones who deserve it, Cross," Vivi rolled her eyes with a sigh as she dragged me behind her.
"Owowowow, yes, yes, fine, alright, I will! Just let me go, damn it!" I hollered as I staggered after her.
"Dot dot dot dot! Huh? A CALL at a time like this?" Soundbite said, unperturbed by my current predicament. He shrugged as Vivi finally released me, allowing me to stand up and rub my ear in an effort to assuage the pain. "AH, WELL. GO FOR THE SBS!"
"Kak kak kak," chuckled a very familiar, very old and, at the moment, very annoying voice. "Seems like they haven't been easing up on you at all. Thanks a lot for the constant proof of how effective my medicine is, Cross! I've been able to triple my prices thanks to you!"
My eye twitched viciously as I fought to keep myself under control. "Shouldn't you be off extorting someone half your age, you old bat? Like, oh, I don't know, Whitebeard?" I snarled.
"KAK KAK KAK KAK! Please, as if that brat is anywhere close to—!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, you're breaking up, buh-bye!" I yelped as I hastily chopped a hand across my throat, prompting Soundbite to drop the connection with no small amount of cackling of his own.
"Oh, was that Doctorine?" Chopper asked eagerly as Vivi and I walked up to where the rest of the crew was assembling.
"Yeah, it was," I grumbled as I adjusted my slightly-askew cap. "Sorry I didn't let you two chat, but I've already ticked off the Whitebeard Pirates once in my life, I won't risk repeating the feat even by proxy."
In unison, every single one of our allies outside of the crew sagged in relief, prompting me to glare at them in irritation. "Do you really think I'm that stupid?"
"Considering the fact that we're in the middle of an invasion of Enies Lobby that you're broadcasting to the entire world?" Kashi groused as he rubbed his slightly crumpled nose. "Yes, it's good to see that you're not completely insane."
I rolled my eyes before returning my attention to our current situation and scanning around the area. The only Marines and agents conscious were the ones that had surrendered, and there were unconscious ones by the hundreds almost as far as I could see. Considering how long we had been talking without being interrupted, I had figured as much, but it was nonetheless surprising that the elites hadn't been called out yet. Sure, some of these guys may have had enough sense to know that they couldn't beat us, but I didn't expect everyone to just take this lying down and rely on CP9 to handle us.
"Soundbite, can you hear anyone nearby?"
The snail concentrated and then grimaced. "Damn, they're running out of my range FAST. BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE PLANNING ON SETTING UP DEFENSIVE LINES en route to the courthouse!"
"They're trying something that almost has half a chance of working instead of charging us directly?" I asked incredulously.
"Eh, the Government may be arrogant, but they're not stupid," Oimo shrugged. "Back before we started working here, the protocol was that if there was an overwhelming attack from pirates, the plan would be to fall back, set up defensive lines and wait for reinforcements from HQ. I guess it was just a contingency plan in case one of the Emperors decided to attack."
I sighed; of course they'd have something planned for this, why wouldn't they when they knew that there were pirates who could conceivably charge Enies Lobby and have a non-zero chance of winning?
"Alright, let me think…" I muttered as I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "They're expecting us to charge the courthouse, and we are, there's no way around that. We'll need to catch them off-guard somehow…" I glanced back at the King Bulls for a second before nodding firmly. "Alright, if we try smashing through full-force, all we'll do is run straight into a wall of steel and bodies. Would that stop us? Probably not, but it would be more than a bit painful for those involved, and while I appreciate the dedication of our allies, I'd rather do this as painlessly as possible. So!" I clapped my hands together firmly. "We're going to do something somewhat inadvisable and split up!"
"BUT you never split the party!" Soundbite yelped in an affronted tone.
"I don't see anything wrong with it," Zoro shrugged.
"You would get so lost that you'd end up back in Alabasta!" Raphey snapped as she jabbed a flipper at him before grinning. "Sorry, been waiting to use that one."
"Cross, I'm sure that most of us are capable of taking care of ourselves on the way there," Lulu said. "But what do you have in mind for an end of this?"
"YEAH!" Tilestone added loudly. "WE'LL STILL BE FIGHTING THAT AMBUSH ANYWWAY NO MATTER WHAT WE DO, SO WHY IS SPLITTING UP BETTER?"
"Simple," I nodded as I addressed the bulky shipwright. "The purpose of this endeavor is to make dealing with that ambush a little more manageable. You Galley-La men, the Franky Family, and the giants will go down main street and at the forefront of the Marines' sight. Meanwhile, we—" I spun my fingers around at my crewmates. "Will split up into teams and go down this place's backstreets, raising as much of a ruckus as we possibly can. While you guys will certainly draw a lot of attention on account of the size factor—" I jerked my head at the Giants and the King Bulls. "We are the main actors of this show, and so they'll be forced to split both their attention and manpower in order to cover us both. And that's crucial to our success right now."
I gestured around at the piles of unconscious soldiers. "Quantity is the only advantage that these mooks have against us; we may have quality on our side, but we're still facing down a genuine army, despite Luffy taking a him-sized bite out of them, and if we let them mine that advantage too much… well, remember that this is a time-based mission. The second that Spandam realizes he's in over his head, he'll start moving Robin towards the Gates of Justice, and if she gets there, we've lost. This is the best option we have where we both save time and come out of things relatively unscathed." I scanned over all the participants. "So… any complaints?"
None were forthcoming. Some of them looked nervous, but all nodded in acceptance nonetheless.
"Alright, then," Zambai and Paulie said in unison. They glanced at each other before Paulie continued. "It's the reason you need us here anyway. We'll meet up with you at the courthouse."
"Right. And again, watch out for mortar cannons, the Jurymen, and the—"
"Incoming!" Soundbite suddenly barked up. "Ton of them, coming in hot, HEAVY AND FAST!"
"—dogs," I finished. "Looks like Baskerville managed to get back on the ball and send them out."
"Give me five seconds with them," Zoro grunted as he turned towards the street, rolling his shoulders.
"Psh," Sanji scoffed indignantly as he lit up a new cigarette. "Give me one."
"Hold it!"
The two-thirds of the Monster Trio weren't the only ones to look at me in surprise.
"Ah, Cross—?" Conis started in confusion.
"I was actually hoping for this to happen," I said, forestalling any protests with a raised hand before glancing at my shoulder. "Soundbite, I have a request."
My snail leered malevolently. "If you can hum it and I can fake it."
I cracked my neck back and forth as I stared down the street, where blurs of movement were fast approaching. "Cry havoc and coerce the dogs of war."
Soundbite nodded in agreement. "Yes, sir. AH, AND Lassoo, Su?"
The dog-gun, who I'd let down a minute back, and the cloud-fox looked at him warily. "Yeah?"
Soundbite's smile became downright evil. "Cover your ears."
The canines hastily slammed their paws over their ears—
FWEEEEEEEET!
Right before Soundbite let out an ear-shattering whistle.
The sheer volume of the whistle was enough to cause those humans with unprotected ears to flinch…
"OWOWOWOWOW!"
But the reaction was far more prominent in the small army of dogs that collapsed into a pile-up of writhing and agonized bodies, too distracted by their pain to even react to their riders trying to rouse them.
Vivi gaped in awe at the display before her. "Holy…" she breathed numbly.
"But wait, there's more!" I grinned menacingly before cocking my head at Soundbite. "Lay down the law, little buddy."
"Gladly," Soundbite smirked before belting out a massive, attention-drawing whistle and adopting the Voice of God. "LISTEN UP, MONGRELS! AS OF TEN SECONDS AGO, YOU ALL WORK FOR ME! I AM THE ALPHA, YOU ARE THE OMEGA! ANY PROTESTS, ANY REBELLIONS, ANYTHING LESS THAN COMPLETE AND UTTER SUBMISSION, WILL BE MET WITH IMMEDIATE AGONY. GOT IT?"
There was a moment of stunned confusion as the wolves muttered amongst themselves and some of the savvier riders tried to unlatch themselves from their mounts. All of a sudden, one of the foremost wolves managed to work itself to its feet and snarl at us.
"Listen here, you slimy little—!"
FWEEEEET!
"YEARGH!" The wolf collapsed into a flailing mess, clawing at his ears in agony as the rest of the wolves shrank away in terror.
"ANY OTHER TAKERS?" Soundbite drawled with a flat tone and look. He then re-donned his usual smirk when the rest of the hounds shrank back and bowed their heads fearfully. "THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. Now, then… your marching orders are simple…" An evil glint entered Soundbite's gaze. "Regarding every last Marine and World Government soldier on this island: RIP AND TEAR… UNTIL IT IS DONE."
For a moment, a brief moment, the hounds merely looked blankly at Soundbite. And then, one and all, the same bloodthirsty grin played over their faces. I heard more than a few mutters of "Sorry, Boss Jabra", but soon enough, the wolves turned tail and darted down the street and into sidelong alleyways, dragging their helpless riders along with them.
I grinned confidently as I turned around and dusted my hands off. "And that's that."
While most of our allies were staring after the wolves and at me in horrified shock, a lot of my crewmates were just straight-up jaded.
"You do realize that you are a legitimate monster, right, Cross?" Su asked with a cocked eyebrow.
"And damn proud of it, considering where I started from and who I'm directing it all towards," I smirked back. "Now, then, what say we divvy things up, hm?"
"I call dibs on going with Oimo and Kashi!" Usopp spoke up hastily, in a tone that contained, admirably enough, marginally more eagerness than fear.
"I'll second that notion, though we'll be fighting street-level!" Boss thumped a fist to his chest. "Your strategy's as good as any, but someone's gotta hold the line and damn if we're not gonna be a part of it! Right, boys!?"
"HELL YEAH!" the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad pumped their fists in agreement.
"Who else…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully before adopting an impish grin as I started to glance towards our resident Monsters.
"What does it matter?" Zoro grumbled. "Wherever we are, nobody's going to put up a good fight until we get to the Tower. I think I'll just walk straight there."
"For once, I agree with the Mosshead," Sanji added with an indifferent shrug.
"Then in that case, maybe you two can take the time to team—GRK!" I froze in terror and stared at the blade and leg hovering within inches of my face. "OK, OK, I won't speak mad—er, that kind of madness, just no more physical therapy!"
"Ah, Sanji!" Vivi hastily piped up. "Considering just how… treacherous this endeavor will be, would you mind acting as my escort alongside Carue?"
"AT ONCE, MY DEAREST PRINCESS!" Sanji called out as he spun over to her.
"Yo, Mosshead!" Su had the courtesy to yap up. "Your swords versus my girl's guns. Want to see who can get the higher headcount?"
"What!?" Conis yelped in shock.
Zoro, for his part, leered eagerly as he rested his arm on his swords' hilts. "Sounds like fun to me."
"Now, wait just a second—!"
"Loser swabs Merry's deck for a month."
"Fine by me, puffball."
"Stop making bets without my say-so!" the gunner wailed, flailing her arms frantically.
Su's very mature response was to stick her tongue out.
I blinked at the sudden turn of events, but then shrugged and turned towards the remaining crew. "So, Nami, Chopper, you two with me?"
"No complaints here," Chopper piped up, while Nami simply nodded.
"Right, then, let's get going. Godspeed, everyone."
And with that, we all split up and headed off. Chopper and Nami followed me down an alleyway and into a nearby side street.
"So, Cross," Chopper spoke up hesitantly. "Coming with you is all well and good, but are you sure that we can handle ourselves against that many Marines? I mean…" He fingered the bandoliers of vials he had strapped across his chest. "I only have so much ammunition, even if I can make more on the fly…"
"And in case you hadn't noticed…" Nami held up the hand holding her Clima-Tact, prompting the clouds flowing around her to form into a hand and wave… for all of a second before lunging at me, at which point she grabbed her own wrist and hastily brought them back under control. "I'm still trying to keep this little doo-dad under control here! Is this really the best of ideas?"
"Absolutely!" I confidently assured them. "In fact, I even have a plan! Ah, but first!" I hastily snapped a finger up. "Apropos of nothing, Soundbite… Are there any mortar emplacements within your range at the moment?"
Nami and Chopper paled for every bit that Soundbite and Lassoo grinned.
-o-
"Puru puru puru puru, Puru puru—KA-LICK!"
"Hello?"
"C-Commodore Smoker, Captain Hina! This is Master Chief Petty Officer Coby calling in from Marineford HQ! I apologize for calling at such a late hour, b-but I have new orders for you from Fleet Admiral Sengoku himself! As of this moment, you have been reassigned from running patrols in Mid-Paradise! You are to gather your crew and present yourselves at Enies Lobby ASAP!"
The two Marines exchanged carefully sculpted looks for a moment, the name of the officer ringing familiar to them as one of Cross' recommendations, before Smoker regarded the snail with a sigh. "Apologies, Master Chief Petty Officer, but you've caught us at a bad time."
"W-Wha—!?" Coby started to squawk in a panic…
"EXCUSE ME?!"
Before the snail suddenly roared indignantly, its apoplectic expression taking on a golden sheen in the process. For a moment, the two Marines flinched back; upsetting Sengoku was on the brink of suicidal… but then, with what they were doing, so were they.
"YOU HAD BETTER HAVE THE BEST EXCUSE OF YOUR CAREERS FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO REPORT IN HERE, OR ELSE I'LL HAVE YOU ASSIGNED TO SCRUBBING THE OUTSIDE OF IMPEL DOWN FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE CAREERS!" the hellish Buddha roared.
Hina shivered in horror as she tried to get her nerve back. "Terrified, Hina is very, very terrified…" she whispered to herself before steeling her back. "Our sincerest apologies, Fleet Admiral, but we've beached Smoker's ship and my fleet for a routine cleaning of their hulls."
"We began the cleaning process an hour ago," Smoker picked up as he procedurally ashed his cigar. "And the un-beaching process will take too long. By the time we reach the Judicial Island, I'm sure that the action will be over and we'll be left with half-cleaned ships that we'll have to re-beach." The Smoke-Man cocked his eyebrow. "What sounds like a better use of our time to you, Fleet Admiral?"
There was a pause as the snail ground its teeth to dust before the glow died away and the Fleet Admiral managed to speak in a slightly calmer voice. Or at least, rather than speaking with unconcealed murderous rage, his voice held badly-concealed murderous rage. "Move up your plans, finish cleaning your ships as fast as your hands can manage, and set sail to receive further orders. Am. I. Understood?"
"Yes, sir," the officers saluted swiftly.
The connection cut out a second later, and Hina allowed a smirk to grow on her face as she sank back into the lawn chair she was seated in, stretching her arms above her head with a few grateful skeletal pops as she allowed the rays of Tenedores Island's eternal sunset to wash over her. "You know, it took more control than I care to admit not to say 'How could we have known that the Straw Hats were going to try assaulting Enies Lobby?'"
Smoker sighed as he sank back into his own chair, but the corners of his mouth twitched upwards nonetheless as he held up a glass of vividly colored alcohol to his old friend. "Here's to the Straw Hats kicking the World Government's teeth in, and Rooster potentially kicking a World Noble's teeth in if I understood him properly. Here's hoping that they survive."
"Kan. Pai," Hina enunciated calmly, clinking her own glass against Smoker's and taking a drink before glancing over her shoulder. "Well, you heard the man! We need to have enough progress done on our ships to fit our timelines! Hop to it, and make sure not to miss so much as a spot!"
"AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!" the Marine soldiers currently working on the undersides of nine of the dozen battleships shouted back with no small amount of venom.
"Grnrghrghghhh…" Jango growled beneath his breath as he furiously scrubbed the brush he was wielding against a particularly resilient patch of barnacles. "Would someone mind explaining to me why we're working ourselves to the bone when the whole point of this little ruse is for us to drag our damn heels!?"
"According to Commodore Smoker," Tashigi bit out as she maneuvered Shigure around the snapping jaws of several still-living meter-large barnacles in order to stab them through their shells, her tone clearly saying that she wanted to replace the word 'Commodore' with something far less endearing. "Just because we're putting up a false pretense is no reason for our work ethic to suffer. Of course, seeing as both he and Hina are Captain-grade and higher, apparently their work ethic has already been proven!" The last word was emphasized with the decapitation of yet another bottom-feeding pest.
"That, and the fact that we have every reason to avoid any more suspicious behavior than we have to," Fullbody grumbled as he shook his aching knuckles out. "Though personally? I think that those two can take their precious 'work ethic' and shove it up their—!"
"Problems, you three?"
"SIR, NO SIR!" the Marine Officers barked in barely concealed terror.
"Good," Smoker huffed as he relaxed in his lawn chair before directing a look at the Transponder Snail. "Now try and keep it down. We're about to return to some primetime entertainment."
As he turned back to the SBS, he reflected on the fact that he was actually considering a pirate radio to be primetime entertainment. A year ago, he would have hung up without a second thought, deeming any pirate a criminal not worth listening to.
Now, however…
Smoker grinned viciously as the sounds of all-out warfare erupted from the mouth of the snail.
Now he could think of no better pastime than to hear the World Government get its teeth kicked in.
"Give 'em hell, Straw Hats…" he muttered beneath his breath.
-o-
"Ship sighted, captain!"
"Alright, good!" Bartolomeo called up to the lookout. "Apis, are you ready for this?"
The young girl glanced down at the snoozing Transponder Snail in her lap before taking a deep breath and nodding decisively, her fingers still buried in her companion's mane. "As ready as I'll ever be."
Bartolomeo nodded back, and waited, Apis' eyes shut in concentration. The ship crept closer and closer, completely unaware of the nearby pirate ship. Finally, Apis' eyes opened, and Bartolomeo jerked his hand down. "Alright. Fire!"
The cannons on board the Cannibal fired towards the oncoming yacht. It was one of those newfangled steamships capable of moving without sail power. Of course, considering the expense and fragility of the steam engines, only a Celestial Dragon could afford one, and even by their standards, it was a clear vanity project. More importantly, it lacked sails so it could look pretty, and was propelled by a pair of large paddle boxes on the sides of the ships.
All of which meant that when a half-dozen cannonballs smashed into the paddle box and reduced it to so many splinters, the ship was completely dead in the water. Bad design, that, but what else could one expect from a vanity project yacht, designed by Nobles for Nobles?
"They're sending the distress signal, captain," Apis reported, her eyes scrunched up in concentration as she clutched Kula's shell, the snail in question half-awake and blinking blearily. "I'm trying to talk to their snail now."
"Pull us alongside!" Bartolomeo barked. "Valentine, you're up!"
The lemon-clad woman immediately jumped off of the mainmast, floating over to the yacht… at which point she went to her full 10,000 kilograms and smashed into the ship, buckling the sides and throwing shattered planks into the air. With the response by onboard security thoroughly FUBAR, the helmsman had no problem bringing the Cannibal in a hundred yards off to the yacht's side.
Stepping up to the railing, Bartolomeo crossed his arms in his usual pose, a shimmering barrier crossing the gap between the two ships in a nice, even platform. "Alright, go go go!" he barked.
"Wait!"
The ex-mafia boss glanced back at Apis. "What?"
"I've got the snail!" she reported. "He'll cut off the distress signal, but only if we bring him with us." She scowled darkly. "Apparently, the Celestial Dragons treat Transponder Snails as well they do anyone else. On a very related note, I'll take five minutes with whoever's on that ship when you're done with them."
"Noted. And you heard that, Gin?" Bartolomeo confirmed.
The ex-Krieg pirate nodded, before joining the stream of pirates heading over towards the Celestial Dragons' ship. Bartolomeo himself waited a few more minutes before hopping onto the barrier and running across.
He found a scene of complete and utter pandemonium. True, the Celestial Dragons had, of course, brought a security detail, and in spite of the fact that they rarely if ever saw any action due to no one in the world being stupid enough to attack the World Nobles, they were relatively decent, too. But against his pirates, in the dead of night? They were outnumbered and outmatched. Whether they had been shot, stabbed, slashed, crushed, or blown up, the majority were scattered, unmoving, over the shattered deck.
BANG!
Bartolomeo sighed as a bullet pinged off of the barrier he'd reflexively thrown up. He turned around to look at a rotund, mustachioed man holding a smoking pistol and wearing a bubble helmet, way-too-tight briefs, and little else. A young, equally scantily-clad slave girl was held in the Celestial Dragon's other arm, her gaze tight with fear.
"Aw, geeze, man," Bartolomeo groaned, snapping a hand up to cover his eyes. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get rid of memories like this? This barrier can block a lot of shit, but psycho-whosits torture isn't a part of it!"
"Psychological," Mr. 5 provided as he dug out more ammunition from his nostril.
"Yeah, that."
"How dare you, assaulting my ship like this!" the Celestial Dragon roared back. "I'll give you one chance. Submit to being my slaves, or be tossed into the deepest, darkest depths of Impel Down!"
Gin answered for them all by punching him in the face, shattering his helmet and dropping him like sack of potatoes.
"Aw, c'mon, Gin, I wanted to do that!" Bartolomeo whined. "Plus, I'm the captain, I got first dibs!"
"I stopped putting my captains on pedestals after my last crew," the tired-eyed man scoffed as he rolled his shoulder. "Anyway, you can kick him in the ribs for all I care. I've got my pound of flesh."
"Still, though, it's the principle of the damn matter!"
Mr. 5 sighed as Bartolomeo and Gin got into another squabble, and carefully took the slave girl, standing petrified next to the downed World Noble, by the shoulders. "Did he really think he could take us?" the former agent drawled, more to himself than her. "I suppose it doesn't matter. Now, let's see if I remember how to pick this kind of lock…"
"Kyaaaa!"
All eyes turned to the hole in the deck as a screaming and flailing Miss Valentine was launched out of it by a mountain of a man dressed in a black suit and sunglasses, a Marine overcoat with Captain's insignia on top and a massive silver halberd in his hands.
"Pirate scum," he rumbled, winding up a swing at Bartolomeo. The halberd promptly shattered upon the barrier, and the Captain only had time to widen his eyes before Gin and Bartolomeo negligently lashed their respective tonfa and force fields at him, slamming him into the water, and not missing a beat in their argument.
"—And do you know how much fun it is to feel the cartilage breaking under your bare hands?!" their captain demanded. "I think you do! And that just makes it worse!"
"Nggnn…"
"Shut up, you!" Bartolomeo barked, stamping down on the groaning World Noble's face. "You don't get an opinion!"
"Those two are monsters," Mr. 5 muttered as the lock finally clicked under his hands. "There we go, you're free to—"
"LOOK OUT BELOW!"
"—what the—?"
CRASH!
"Owww, that never gets any better…" Miss Valentine griped as she rubbed her ass before holding up the torn, battered skeleton of her parasol before her eyes. "But also totally not my fault! Will you look at this?! The damn bastard shredded my umbrella!" She reached up, and then growled as she found something missing. "And I lost my hat, too! Someone tell me where that bastard is so I can get Mr. 5 to kick his ass!"
"I'll get right on that…"
The female assassin blinked and looked around in confusion for a second before turning her gaze downwards to observe the thoroughly stunned Mr. 5 she was sitting on. "Oh. Uh… oops?"
"Captain and Gin knocked him into the drink, anyway," Apis said as she floated over on Lindy's back. "Please tell me one of you idiots got the Transponder Snail?"
"Right here, Miss Apis," one of the crew members reported, holding out the snail in question.
"Good job," she said, taking the snail and stroking its neck. "Now, where is that World Noble—hurk!" She cut herself off when her eyes fell on the rotund, near-nude form of the man in question. "Ooookay, never mind. I wouldn't make Lindy touch that bastard with a ten-foot pole."
The juvenile Millennial Dragon in question warbled out a sickened groan of agreement.
"—And that's why you're the biggest jackass I've ever met, and that's saying—!"
"Hold that thought." Bartolomeo cut his first mate off with a pair of crossed fingers and a barrier, ignoring him as he pounded on the invulnerable wall in favor of addressing Apis' presence. "You ready for the next step, pintsize?"
"Anything besides looking at that man again," the young girl muttered, before glancing up into the sky. "Now, where are… there you are." The Devil Fruit user waved her hand up at the sky, in response to which a seagull floated down from where it had been circling the ocean, letting out a caw of annoyance.
"Yes, yes, I know," the girl sighed, rolling her eyes and pulling out a slice of bread that she tossed to the seagull. "Feel any better?"
The gull's cawing suddenly took on a much more pleasant-sounding tone.
"Yeah, that's what I thought," Apis rolled her eyes with a scoff. "Okay, Captain, we just need to follow the gull."
"You heard her, boys!" Bartolomeo barked. "Let's get out of here before a Marine Admiral shows up!"
-o-
On any other day, the streets of Enies Lobby would have been a perfect example of the clockwork perfection of the inner workings of the Marines and the World Government: Paperwork filed neatly and precisely, drills practiced to perfection, and an ever-present garrison of soldiers just waiting for an opportunity to fight to uphold the Justice of the World Government!
However, in truth, this was merely the surface of Enies that was presented to the world. In truth, the state of Enies was far less impressive. After fifty years of pirates never managing to so much as scratch the gates that Oimo and Kashi guarded, the soldiers of the Navy and the World Government had started to view Enies Lobby as little more than a vacation posting. Protocols were relaxed, drill schedules dwindled away into nonexistence, and ultimately the island fell lax.
This laxness bit the Marines in the ass on the day that the Straw Hats attacked, and it bit them hard.
This was evidenced in the panic that was sown amongst the Marines as they desperately scrambled to prepare some form of defensive line in order to face the onslaught of pirates that they just knew was coming their way.
Credit where it was due, it was impressive enough that they'd managed to muster enough coordination to form any kind of line at all, but the endeavor fell apart in the most vital step of all.
"What do you mean you haven't done bayonet drills in ten years?!"
"Mortars! Where are those damn mortars?!"
"You call that a line? My five-year-old could make a better line than that! And does, on the wall, every single day!"
"Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no—!"
That is to say, the execution.
Still, lack of practice aside, the men of Enies were still soldiers, so even if their coordination was lacking, it wasn't as if it was entirely nonexistent. As such, the soldiers were just starting to make some actual headway…
"H-Hey! HEY! PIRATES! I SEE PIRATES COMING!"
When a lookout stationed on a rooftop just had to go ahead and kick the hornet's nest again.
However, before the soldiers could start to panic, one of the officers present in the mob cut through the chatter with a sharp whistle.
"BELAY THAT, SOLDIERS!" he roared as soon as he had the majority's attention. Every Marine present froze, and the officer nodded in satisfaction. "Well. Looks like you lumps of lard do have a few scraps of discipline left in you. And as for you…!" he barked up to the lookout. "Marine! How many pirates, and what weapons do they have?"
"Ah…" The lookout peered down the street hesitantly. "I, ah… I see three—!"
"You heard the man! Now, we might be outnumbered three to one, but—!"
"Ah, sir? That's not quite right. We… actually outnumber them."
"Huh? But you said that you saw three hundred of them!"
"No…"
It was at that point that the pirates in question rounded a corner and came into full view.
"I said that there were three, period."
And indeed, much to the surprise and bemusement of the Marines, that's all that there were: One orange-haired woman with a metal staff and a nimbus of clouds floating around her, one short, fur-covered Zoan wearing a top hat with vials strapped across his chest, and one man wearing a baseball cap gripping a large cannon with one hand, a baton with another, and carrying a grinning snail on his shoulder.
Just three pirates, no more, no less.
And yet they managed to terrify all one hundred of the soldiers with the smiles they were sporting.
To be fair, however, the smiles the pirates were sporting were far from normal. Well, no, that wasn't quite true. They seemed normal, at first glance. But a longer look revealed lips drawn just a little too wide, cheek muscles just a little too tense, and far, far too many teeth for comfort. And the eyes, oh, the eyes! Those smiles reached the pirates' eyes, and many a Marine wished they didn't, for the eyes glinted with a mix of sadistic glee, mean-spirited mischief, and plain old-fashioned murderous hate. What their eyes said about those smiles was absolutely not something to contemplate.
In short… the pirates made up for their numerical inferiority by sheer bowel-loosening terror.
Whispers were swiftly born amongst the uneasy ranks of the Marines.
"T-That snail—! T-That's Jeremiah Cross, a-and Soundbite!"
"Oh no, oh no, there's nowhere to hide anymore, oh no, oh no—!"
"Y-Yeah, and that woman! T-That must be their navigator, Nami!"
"That cloud… R-Roronoa must be right, she really is a witch!"
"Don't look her in the eye, lest she take your very soul and make you pay interest to get it back!"
"T-Then that monster with them… i-it's the mad doctor, Chopper!"
"Don't let him take me alive, shoot me if you have to, just don't let him take me alive!"
FWEEEET!
The Marines were shocked into silence when a shrill whistle pierced the air from the direction of the pirates, drawing all of their attention back to them.
"Hello, Marine dipshits!" Jeremiah Cross's grin took on a taunting tone as he mockingly saluted them. "We're on our way to the Tower of Justice to go get our crewmate back! You poor saps all have the misfortune of happening to be in our way, but the fact is that you're not the ones we're here to utterly destroy. So, you all have two options: let us through…" The man's grin widened as his baton suddenly started crackling with electricity. "Or get whipped. What'll it be?"
"W-We're not afraid of you pirates!" stuttered one of the Marines with what little courage he could muster up. "T-There are a hundred of us here now, and our reinforcements will be here in a minute! T-T-There are thousands of us on this island, your lives are forfeit!"
The pirates took a second to glance amongst themselves and exchange grins before starting to chuckle morbidly.
"Reinforcements?" Cross snickered as though he'd just heard a joke.
"Y-Yes!" the Marine reiterated, his stutter belying just how confident he really was.
"Oh, please," Nami scoffed as she shook her head in pity. "Let me share with you one of the things I've learned in my years of hunting treasure: quality is better than quantity… though both is even better…" She trailed off into silence as she stared off into nothing, a slight trail of drool escaping her slack smile. She was quick to recover when Cross whacked the back of her head, though, her smile shifting to sheepish.
"I prefer quantity, myself; after all, you need large sample sizes for true SCIENCE!" Chopper grinned menacingly.
"The point we're trying to make," Cross cut in, smirking as he spun his baton into his pocket. "Is that it just really doesn't matter how many warm bodies you throw at us, because we're going to cut through them anyway to get to our comrade. The best way to put it… well." Cross shrugged helplessly. "Allow me to put my own spin on an oft-rehashed quote: 'Yea, though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil…'"
Cross suddenly shot his hand up and snapped his fingers, prompting a flurry of introductory pipe organ notes to ring out as Nami swung her Clima-Tact in front of her. The Marines recoiled in horror as a mass of impenetrable haze that had been hiding between the buildings of the street surged into the open to loom above the street like the shadow… of…
Several Marines actually did lose control of their bodily functions as they made a most unfortunate leap of logic.
Beneath the shadow of the cloud, the light was angled in just such a manner that it illuminated Cross's smile, expanding it to face-consuming proportions and making him look not like a demon, but a walking, half-decomposed corpse.
"For we are as death itself."
The Marines had all of one second to let the phrase run through their terror-addled minds before a medley of bone-rattlingly loud voices suddenly began roaring.
"FIRST YOU SEE US… THEN YOU DON'T!"
The Marines froze as one and started to pant in terror as the fog suddenly surged past the pirates and consumed them, reducing the world to what they could reach out and touch.
"NOW YOU HEAR US… now you WON'T!"
The company of Marines jumped in shock when an uproar of noise erupted from everywhere around them, so utterly chaotic and maddening that it was impossible to determine where one noise started and another ended. The Marines tried to regain some semblance of normality for one second, two seconds, three…
Then, all of a sudden, dozens of shadows appeared all around them, towering and glaring down at the Marines, the noise and their roars now taking on a hellish rendition of song.
"IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD!"
One of the ranking officers opened their mouth in an attempt to bark orders over the pirates' din…
"Guess you should have figured out some secrets of your own."
And was promptly silenced by a metal-clad fist crushing into his mouth and laying him out flat.
"NOW YOU FEEL US… NOW YOU CAN'T!"
Overwhelmed, the Marines began frantically firing and slashing at the shadows. Some faded, others turned out to be fellow Marines, and yet others began contorting in the most inhuman of manners. One in particular distended for a brief second before seeming to burst out of the brume, the very clouds snaking out to grab one of the soldiers before flailing him around like a ragdoll, downing almost a dozen more Marines before flinging him into a wall with stone-shattering force.
"ARE WE REAL? PERHAPS WE AREN'T!"
One of the larger shadows suddenly surged forwards and rammed dead into the center of the soldiers, massive fists flailing and laying low Marine after Marine without fail. However, the moment the Marines tried to take aim at it, the figure vanished into nowhere. The next second, the Marines were flung into an almighty panic, half on account of the air being ripped apart by numerous explosions erupting from… well, everywhere, the other half on account of their comrades suddenly collapsing to the ground with syringes sticking out of varying parts of their anatomy.
"IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD! IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD!"
One particularly skittish soldier gulped. "Is… Is it really such a nasty world?" he squeaked semi-hysterically.
Unfortunately for him, he received an answer in the form of a fist grabbing his collar and jerking him forward so that he was face to face with a pair of viciously grinning faces.
"Oh, yes," the smiles crooned in a tone that was way too calm for the sadistic glee it contained. "A very nasty world." And with that, the larger of the two smiles surged forward and caved the soldier's nose in before dropping him and moving on.
"Nastier than you could ever dream of!"
"From up above!"
Lightning lanced down from above unto the Marines, shattering what little cohesion they had left.
"And from beneath!"
A figure suddenly leaped out of the low-hanging fog, taking only a few seconds of grappling to jerk him down and out of sight, where in spite of all the madness being broadcast, everyone could hear the sounds of the poor man screaming as his bones shattered.
"Eyes and jaws!"
Unseen by anyone, a diminutive figure measuring at a little under three feet dashed in amongst the legs of the Marines, an almost negligible pair of blades clutched in his hooves that he lashed out, slicing shallow but very precise cuts. The only sign the Marines ever received that he existed was when they suddenly collapsed without warning, their limbs refusing to comply with their desires no matter what they did.
"Claws and teeth!"
The fear factor ramped up another full degree when a dog of all things suddenly leaped out of the low-hanging fog obscuring the ground from sight, leaping onto one of the few officers left standing and dragging him down into the fog in a flailing ball of fear and fangs.
"Ready to attack you, you're a Mook, you'd better run! Don't come fighting with a pirate if you haven't got a gun!"
Devilish cackling filled the air as one of the few remaining Marines attempted to crawl away from the madness, shakily removing a Transponder Snail from his jacket and doing his best to ignore the hellish hymn going on as he fumbled for the button hidden on the shell he knew would cause the snail to start bawling out an SOS. He then regretted the action when the snail started literally bawling in his hands.
"Every creature for survival has to look out for itself! Got no nannies here, or grannies, dear, to look after your health!"
The next line faded out as a chorus of bloodcurdling screams rang out, illusions of what looked like loving, motherly figures surrounding them contorting into nightmares straight out of Lovecraft. "Pickupickupickupickupickup—" the soldier muttered feverishly.
"—AND EVERY CHILD COULD TELL YOU THAT YOU'VE GOT NO BRAINS TO INTERFERE!" bellowed the voices. By now, the snail seemed to be getting nauseous from all of the sweat on the man holding it, who was currently in the process of running for the nearest building. As the voices let out a growing moan, he slammed the door behind him, and mercifully, the other end picked up.
"Lieutenant Sims here, what is your emergency?" drawled a bored voice over the line.
"First you see us… then you don't…" came the voices from outside, just audible enough to still be terrifying.
"I-I-I-I n-n-need r-reinforcements! H-Help! S-Someone, anyone—"
"Now you hear us… now you won't…" came the whispers again. "It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world!"
The Marine's shuddering redoubled as he stared around in terror. "W-W-We're completely outmatched, we're b-b-being torn apart by the b-boatload, oh no, oh God—!"
"H-Hey, hey! Pull yourself together, Marine!" Lieutenant Sims barked hastily. "Hurry up and talk some sense, damn it!"
"Now you feel us… now you can't!"
"Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God-oh-God—!"
"DAMN IT, MARINE, WHO THE HELL IS ATTACKING YOU!?"
"Are we real? Perhaps we aren't!"
"DEMONS!" the Marine howled in terror. "T-THEY'RE DEMONS, THEY'RE FUCKING DE—!"
"Demons, eh…"
The Marine trailed off into a terrified gurgle as a metal-clad hand suddenly snagged the back of his skull and held it tight.
"Demons… Pffhahaha… you know, I actually really like that. Yeah… Tony Tony Chopper, Nami, and Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite: the Demon Trio. I really, really like it. It's, shall we say… appropriate?"
The soldier could only whimper as the metal fingers slowly increased their pressure upon his scalp.
"See, on the crew, we already have what we call 'The Monster Trio'. Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji. They're our top three fighters, our monsters. You see them, you immediately know that you're doomed because they can destroy you in a second. They're monsters, they're immediate threats, it's just who they are."
The Marine's whimper devolved into a squeal when a pair of toothy smiles filled his peripheral vision. "Ah, but demons… demons are normal, you see. They walk like normal people, talk like normal people, laugh, cry and love like normal people… Until you piss them off. Until you make them take off their mask and they show you what lies beneath. Because when that happens…"
Cross suddenly reared the Marine's head back—
CRASH!
—and slammed it straight through the nearest table he could find, crushing his head into the floorboards below.
"We give you nothing short of hell itself!" Cross snarled at the yet-active Transponder Snail.
The Snail's response was to roll its eyes up in their sockets and keel over with a whimper.
Cross blinked in surprise before chuckling sheepishly as he scratched the side of his head. "Damn, I think I scared myself a little there," he admitted. However, he then paused in his ministrations and allowed himself yet another grin. "Still, though… the Demon Trio… heheheh… I'll have to run that by them…"
And with that, the Pirate spun on his heel and started walking down the street.
"It's our secret of survival, secret of survival, secret of survival," he sang beneath his breath as he strolled back into the fog, spinning a crackling rod of metal in his fingers as he went. "It's our secret of survival in a very, very, very nasty world…"
"So nasty…" the fog purred in agreement as it swallowed him whole.
-o-
Apoo's eye twitched furiously as he stared at the yet-grinning Transponder Snail. "Apapa… well, if I didn't think it was a dumb idea to try messing with Cross before…"
"Ah, C-Captain, are you sure about this?"
"Eh?" Scratchman Apoo blinked as he was brought back to the there and then before glancing over at the crewmember next to him, who was practically quaking in his boots, and scoffed. "Bah! It's three ships! And the highest-ranking officer is a Commodore! Perfectly manageable." He sent a pointed glance at the Transponder Snail on a table next to him. "Of course, that's if our intelligence is correct."
"Hey, don't underestimate our intelligence skills!" the mask-sporting snail retorted indignantly. "This is accurate as of yesterday, I'd bet Porche's makeup kit on it!"
"Not if you want to remain a man, you won't!"
Apoo rolled his eyes as Foxy and his first mate descended into their third argument of the conversation. "Why did I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel… bah, anyway. Did you at least dig up some information on what the officers are capable of?" he asked in an attempt to get things back on track.
The line was occupied by the sound of scuffling for a few more minutes before the snail re-donned its mask and spoke up again. "Right, right, where's that file… ah, got it! Task Force Cerberus. They're a rapid response force for this part of the Grand Line, supposed to be able to respond to any disturbance in a matter of hours." He snorted with a grim scowl. "Not surprised Sengoku is recalling them; if he has more than fifteen battleships able to sortie in a few hours' notice at Marineford, I'll eat my own boxing gloves. Anyway, they're led by Commodore Blakely. She's an expert with wires, and recently upgraded from steel to that newfangled Wapometal for more versatility. Very, very dangerous, on the fast track for promotion to Vice Admiral."
The Roar of the Sea's exasperation promptly morphed into wariness. "Apa… and… you know this how, exactly?"
The long-arm's gut dropped when the grin on the other end suddenly became one that he had grown to associate with Cross. "Oooh, a few ways. One is that I have quite the extensive crew who don't all wear their masks 24/7 and who write reports upon returning from bar-hopping during shore-leave." Foxy's grin redoubled. "Another is that Blakely has a tendency to be sloppy with her paperwork, and a new friend of mine was kind enough to share his contacts with me recently. Very… feh feh feh, well-placed contacts, shall we say?"
Apoo's wariness snapped straight to full-on dread. "Remind me, what the hell is your bounty again?!"
"FEEEEEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH~!"
"Er, captain? The other two officers?"
"—FEH FEH FE—" The laughter abruptly cut off in favor of a sharp cough. "R-Right, moving on to the two Captains. One of them is Narwhal. Big guy, very strong, wields a supersized bazooka with special ammunition. Oh, and it's also a hammer. Needless to say, he's their primary long-range firepower. Then there's Lazor. He wields a pair of bladed tonfa, and he's quite good with them. Those two are strong for Captains, but, well, they're still Captains. No match for a pair of powerful crews like yourselves."
{You got that damn straight!}
Apoo glanced to the other captain he was sailing with and nodded in acknowledgment. "Captain Dugong agrees with you, Foxy."
"Of course he does! I know what I'm talking about! FEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"
Captain Dugong turned away from the masked Transponder Snail to shoot a flat look at Apoo. {Remind me how you got involved with working with us, again?}
Apoo grimaced and glanced at the cackling snail. "Because I slipped up when I talked to the damn bastard on my way here and he figured out that I'm really friends with Cross." He paused for a second before shrugging and tilting his head side to side. "Aaaand I figured out that he's actually a subordinate of the Straw Hats, so for all that he's arrogant and I'm a bit ticked off that he's not here with us so as to maintain his anonymity, it's not like he's actually that bad of a guy."
"FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH!"
Both Apoo and Captain Dugong glanced at one another with twitching eyebrows as Foxy continued to cackle at his self-proclaimed "genius". Before they could do more than that, though, another Kung Fu Dugong soared out of the water and landed on the deck, before lowering himself into a low bow to Captain Dugong.
[Captain, sir!] the Dugong barked. [We've located Task Force Cerberus, and the Great Kung Fu Galleon and its consorts are in position!]
[Good work!] Captain Dugong replied. [Prep the ships for action and wait for the signal!]
[Aye-aye!] And with that, the dugong bowed again and dove back into the water.
{We're good to go,} Captain Dugong signed to Apoo, followed by a series of numbers. {That sufficient for navigation?}
"Should be," was Apoo's reply. "Alright, we have our course! Bearing 308 degrees, maximum sail! Gun crews are to man the cannons!"
"Aye aye, captain!" came the decidedly unenthusiastic reply.
Captain Dugong quirked an eyebrow at that. {Are you sure they'll fight?}
"They'll fight, much as they grumble about me being utterly nutso," Apoo replied with an enthusiastic grin. "Gotta get them used to my stunts somehow, right?"
"FEH FEH FEH FE—Oh, wait, is that—? Feh heh, what a coincidence, we just spotted our target, too! I'll call you guys back once we're done so that we can meet up and have some drinks! On me, of course, because we're gonna be swimming in Marine alcohol once we finish with this raid! Good luck to you, my friends! FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FE—KA-LICK!"
Captain Dugong and Apoo rolled their eyes as the Transponder Snail clicked off, and the two settled back to keeping an eye on the horizon as the Stay Tuned tacked on the course set. It wasn't long before the sterns of the Marine battleships came into view, under full sail. Sadly, whatever the virtues of the Marine battleships, with their broad, deep, and very heavy hulls, speed was not one of them, and the Stay Tuned was rapidly gaining. The Marines, naturally, noticed this and began to turn around to face them.
"Captain…" one crewmember whined nervously.
"Wait for it…" Apoo muttered.
"Captain!"
"Wait for it…"
By now, all three battleships were broadside to the Stay Tuned, their gun turrets lumbering around to point some very large-caliber cannons at them.
"CAPTAIN!" the crew shouted as one.
"Alright, alright! Bunch of wimps…" Sighing, Apoo put his fingers to his lips and blew, producing a deep, reverberating sound that seemed to vibrate the whole ocean. Then it passed, and for a moment, nothing happened.
Then, out of nowhere, three ships—one old, battered, and wearing its barnacles proudly, and two that would have passed for Marine ships were it not for their new turtleshell-pattern paint jobs—surfaced right underneath the Marine task force's keels, lifting the battleships under the combined force of their surfacing and the muscle power of the Dugongs manning them.
Of course, as physics dictated, what goes up must come down, and the battleships promptly fell off and onto their sides.
"Apapapapapa!" Apoo cackled as Marines began to swarm over the battleships' exposed side, snapping into the first stance of the Double-Joints Martial Arts Style. "Ready for a fight, Cappy?"
Captain Dugong smirked eagerly as he held his flipper out to his side. His first mate was swift to fill the waiting palm with a rod of green steel, a shimmering curved blade coming out of one side. Captain flexed his flipper around the naginata, spinning it around his form enough times that, were he even marginally less skilled, he'd be sliced to ribbons. Not to mention the railing suddenly acquiring a wood carving of Captain Dugong himself popping a thumbs up.
"Apapapapapa! Great answer!" Apoo cackled, putting his boot up on the railing. "Now… let's do this!"
And with that, the two Captains leaped over the edge of the ship and straight into battle.
-o-
"…OK, Cross, be honest with me: how long were you planning that horror show back there?" Nami asked at last, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder as we strolled down the street and away from the scene of utmost carnage we'd created not a minute earlier.
I chuckled grimly as I folded my arms behind my head. "Come now, guys, you really think that with literally all of the thousands of inside jokes from my home at my disposal, Soundbite and I haven't planned at least a few dozen instances just like this for scenarios just like these? I thought we'd take advantage of a bad situation and, you know, have a little fun." I tilted my head to grin at them. "You saying you guys didn't have fun, or that you don't like the little badass moniker I came up with for us all?"
Nami glanced away with a slight blush as she scratched her cheek. "…More than my sanity is willing to admit…" she muttered sheepishly.
"For the sake of my Hippocratic Oath, I think I'll refrain from answering," Chopper deadpanned as he stared straight ahead.
"Still say that we should be a QUARTET," Soundbite sniffed in faux indignation.
"Not a chance, our crew is composed of Trios and that is an immutable fact," I scoffed as I waved my hand casually. "To change that would be to irrevocably warp the fabric of reality itself."
"What about the TDWS?" Chopper pointed out.
"Pre-packaged, doesn't count."
"Still—!"
"Before we can start arguing over semantics," Nami cut in. "Does anyone know how far we are from the courthouse?" Her expression and clouds both darkened as she shot sidelong glares at us. "And any commentary on my position or my abilities will be met with pain, got it? Just tell me when we'll hit the—"
She cut herself off as we turned a corner, revealing the courthouse looming larger than life over a rather impressive courtyard that was currently a scene of one-sided carnage as the rest of our small force demolished the last remnants of the Marine defense force.
"…courthouse. Well, that answers that. Should we join in?"
"Eh, I dunno," I snickered, crossing my gauntlets behind my head. "Personally, I've already had my fill of petty fights for the moment. I'm fine with enjoying what's left of the show."
"Speak for yourself!" Lassoo howled as he leaped off my shoulder and charged into the fray with bloodthirsty eagerness.
Chopper watched the hound go with a slight twitch in his eye. "Our whole crew is just a bundle of neuroses, isn't it?"
"But they're our neurotics, so it all balances out," Nami pointed out with a dry chuckle.
"Anyway, let's start walking; by the time we get over there, they should have finished and reached the front doors," I chuckled, taking my own advice and striding up to the massive structure.
And indeed, the time that we arrived at the doors, carefully picking our way around piles of downed Marines stacked like cordwood, was the same time that the rest of our crewmates reached it.
Of course, the first to greet us was a certain Hurricane of Love spinning up to grab our Navigator's hands.
"NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji cheered exuberantly. "I'm so glad to see that you were victorious in your battles! And might I just say that your clouds make you look as truly angelic as dear Conis herse—!"
THWAP!
"Ow!" Sanji flinched before rubbing the back of his head with a sheepish chuckle. "Ah, sorry, Nami-Swan, I was just so happy to see you again, and—eh?" Sanji cut himself off and stared down in confusion at the arm-like bands of cloud wrapped around him. "Uh…?"
"Grgrggh, stupid damn—!" Nami hissed in an embarrassed tone as she all but strangled her wrist.
"Pfhehehe!" I snickered behind my fist. "I take back what I said before: no need to bother yourself with getting therapy, this is just too much fun!"
THWAP!
"Ow!" I flinched and chuckled anew as I rubbed the spot where the cloud had clocked me over the head. "Though admittedly I'll have to watch what I say around you, but eh, small price to pay."
THWAP-THWAP!
The pair of blows, organic and meteorological alike, only made me laugh harder.
Soundbite, meanwhile, shot a cheeky grin at his fellow shoulder-rider. "HOW'D THE headcount contest turn out?"
"Alas!" Su put the back of her paw to her forehead with an exaggerated sigh. "Alas, my dear companion put up an effort most valiant, but she lost by a matter of dozens! I'm afraid that she'll be swabbing poopdeck for the foreseeable future."
"And I'll be using your stupid fluffy tail to do every inch of it!" Conis growled vehemently, strangling the air as she glared bloody murder at her companion.
"You'll have to catch me fi~irst," Su sang as she swished her tail back and forth.
"Good luck hiding WITH ME ON the case!" Soundbite leered mockingly.
"Oh, I imagine that my task will be much easier once I have myself a little slimy snack." The cloud-fox emphasized her point with a snap of her fangs.
The boisterous gastropod responded with his own chomp. "Bring it on."
"Oh, you know I wi—!"
"Unless the peanut gallery has anything meaningful to add," Zoro thankfully interrupted, causing the animals to flinch and grin self-consciously. "Let's move on before the damn bastards who have been trailing us in the shadows catch up to us. Agreed?" There was a moment of muttered agreements from us all. "Good. Leo, you want in on this?"
"A chance to deface yet more Government property?" Leo grinned eagerly as he spun his katana into a ready position. "Hell yes."
"Hey, hey, hey, hold on a second, you guys," I said hastily, jogging up beside them. "Go ahead and slash the doors, if you must, but leave the pieces in place, alright? I need a second to tell everyone what's up next."
The human and Dugong glanced at one another in confusion for a moment before shrugging indifferently. They then proceeded to move, and while the door looked like it was intact, I could definitely feel a stiff breeze flowing through it.
"Alright, then, everyone gather up!" I raised my voice, garnering the attention of pirate, shipwright, King Bull, and thug alike. "Phase one, the approach, is complete," I announced calmly. "Phase two, commencing ingress, proceeds as follows: we the Straw Hats head inside and towards the roof, where Luffy should be waiting for us, and the rest of you work on pulling the levers, located in the towers of the courthouse, in order to lower the drawbridge while keeping as many mooks as you can from following us, and making sure that they don't stop the bridge from lowering. Though don't sweat it if you can't…" I grinned maliciously. "We'll still have a way in even if the bridge gets stopped. Everyone clear on the plan?"
Once more, everyone nodded in agreement.
"Glad to hear it! Now, then…" I gestured at Lassoo, prompting him to pad over me and leap into the air, allowing me to catch him and point his cannon-form at the door. "If you'll pardon me, I'm going to take this opportunity to say Number 9 on my List Of Things I Want To Say At Least Once In The Right Context™, which I composed after saying number one awhile back! And yes…" I tilted my head with a grin as I narrowed my eye and steadied Lassoo. "You did hear a trademark in that. FIRE!"
KA-BOOM!
I strode through the gaping hole in the courthouse's doors as the smoke and rubble settled, Lassoo balanced on my shoulder and a shit-eating grin on my face.
"Order in the court," I announced confidently.
"Oy vey…" I heard Nami groan behind me.
"You swiss-cheesy motherfucker!" Soundbite guffawed.
"Hey, it's a quote bucket list for a reason!" I chuckled as I looked through the settling dust.
It took me a minute to get past the fact that there was a large group of mooks looking at me, and the sheer scale of the courthouse; seriously, I'd been in more than a few impressive churches in my time, and damn, but this place was on par with Notre Dame in sheer stature. Then I turned towards the three-headed judge who was standing nearest the front, debating the appropriate course of action with himself. Then, questioning my sanity in every way possible, I proceeded to open my mouth…
"Oh, a princess!" I cried, pointing at the center head.
Soundbite's expression promptly became fell into poleaxed confusion. "UHH… are you quite SANE?"
Meanwhile, the central head gained a demure grin. "How sweet of you to notice," he purred.
The next instant, naturally, found the other two heads slamming into him. "DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM, YOU RABBLE-ROUSER!" they roared at me.
Soundbite shifted his look to the cerberus-human. "THE HELL—?"
"Oh, so that's why the Central Freeway is closed for repair, because you keep headbutting it," I called out in a tone of realization.
"Precisely!" the center head said, only to be bashed again.
"SHADDAP!" the two other heads growled before turning to me. "AND THE SAME TO YOU!"
My snail promptly 'ah'd in realization. "Now I get it! THEY'RE ALL INSANE, aren't they?"
"Exactly! Though the one in the middle is easily the worst. I wonder if I can mess with them a little—!" THWACK! "OW!"
"You're taking too long, Cross," Zoro growled as I clutched the back of my skull in agony. "You're the one who keeps telling us that time isn't on our side. Start taking your own advice."
"Ugh, spoilsport," I grumbled as I pinned him with a stinkeye. "Hey, we're coming up on a bit that's as serious as the grave and I wanted to have a little more fun before we got into it, sue me!"
"GLADLY!" yelled Baskerville and several onlooking soldiers as they drew their weapons.
My eye twitched in annoyance as I remembered where we were and stepped out of the way. "On second thought? Slice 'em up. And when it comes to the big boy, either aim horizontal or go straight down the middle."
"Right," Zoro grunted before adopting a familiar stance. Then the air began to ripple around him and his swords. Any other instance, I'd probably be wondering how the hell he managed to pull this move off.
"Three Sword Style: Charming Demon Sleepless Night…" Zoro's eyes flashed malevolently. "ONI GIRI!"
But right now? I was quite content to watch as the Marines fell like rain, Judge Baskerville included.
"Now," Zoro grunted as he re-sheathed Wado Ichimonji. "Let's get going."
"Lay on, MacDuff," I said, sweeping my arm forward before glancing over my shoulder at Nami. "Or, well, Lady MacDuff as it were."
"Not so fast," growled a trio of voices, and I turned with annoyance but not much surprise to see the three part-giants pushing themselves back up. Their outfit had been reduced to tatters, but they seemed hardly worse for the wear judging by their glares and steady stances. "Court is in session."
"We plead guilty, and sentence ourselves to breaking out of Impel Down if we lose to CP9, and freedom if we don't," Sanji drawled.
"COURT DISMISSED! BRING IN THE DANCIN' LOBSTERS!" Soundbite cackled.
It was a true testament to the trio's synchronicity that all three of their foreheads erupted with infuriated veins at once.
"You dare to pass judgment in our courtroom?" Bas snarled.
"Such impudence!" Kerville growled around grinding teeth.
"In this sacred house of justice…" 'Princess' rumbled murderously.
In a flash of motion, the trio surged forwards at us, swinging their blade down like a guillotine.
"WE ARE THE LAW!" they howled.
I got ready to duck behind Zoro…
KA-BOOM!
But found the motion to be suddenly rendered moot on account of the Judge(s) whipping their blade up to block an incoming cannonball.
"Hey, now…"
Attention shifted over to Zambai as he marched up to the judge with his still-smoking bazooka perched on his shoulder, flanked by the Square Sisters on one side and Galley-La's foremen on the other.
"I realize that we might not be as photogenic as the Straw Hats," Zambai continued as he loaded a new shell in his cannon. "But don't forget that we're in on this party too. We've got our own pride to think about, damn it!" He shot a thumbs up at us with a smirk. "You guys go on ahead and save your crewmate. Just leave this clown to us."
"And by the way, here." Paulie dug an envelope out of his jacket and tossed it to me. "I'd love to stuff this down Lucci's throat myself, but I'm not that delusional. Just make sure that damn bastard gets the message. Clear?"
I grinned and gave the rope-master a two-fingered salute. "You got it. Give 'em hell, good sir!"
"DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'LL LET YOU GET PAST US!?" Baskerville roared as they swung their blade back.
CLANG!
"YOU DON'T GET A SAY IN THE MATTER!" the Square sisters shot back as they blocked the swing in tandem.
"THAT'S RIGHT!" Tilestone bellowed as he pumped his fists in agreement.
"You think we can manage the Tree Nail Lock here?" Lulu asked, hammer and nails at the ready.
"It's sure worth a shot," Paulie replied with a grin as the collective Baskerville dodged another bazooka blast from Zambai.
"Well, looks like they've got this handled," Nami announced with a confident nod. "Come on, let's get moving!"
"Right behind you, Nami-swan!" Sanji spun after her eagerly, with the rest of us dead on her tail. With my eye on Zoro the whole time, we made it to the stairs easily enough. But unfortunately, as we neared the top…
"Guilty. Guilty."
I tensed in terror as an absolutely demented voice hit my ears and I put my head on a swivel. "Shit, those crazy-ass Jurymen! Soundbite, where are they?!"
"Ah…" Soundbite spun his eyestalks around for a second—
"GUILTY!"
—before snapping them upwards in horror. "ABOVE!"
I looked up along with him and I very nearly lost my lunch when I caught sight of a huge-ass ball of metal falling towards us from the rafters!
"MIGHT OF DAVID!"
Up until Mikey leaped at Leo and spring-boarded off of his crossed blades in order to leap up into the air, gripping each of his nunchucks tightly in his flippers, and caught said ball of metal with the freaking chain!
And he wasn't alone. While Mikey leaped at Leo, Donny spring-boarded off of Raphey's sai and rocketed up at an angle, shooting right past the ball—
"HEROD'S WRATH!"
At just the right angle to spin and slam his bo-staff into the ball, sending both it and the vengeance-addled Juryman attached to it plummeting into the courtroom below.
Unfortunately, not only was the musclebound prisoner swift to get back on his feet…
"GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!"
He was swiftly joined by ten others just like him.
"They're coming out of the damn woodwork!" Raphey cursed vehemently.
Leo ground his teeth for a second as he observed the crowd of praetorian-esque soldiers before suddenly leaping over the edge of the staircase. "TEENAGE DUGONG WARRIOR SQUAD, WITH ME!"
"RIGHT!" the rest of the adolescent Dugongs barked as they leaped after him.
"Wait, what the—!? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" Boss roared after his students.
"WE'RE HOLDING THE LINE!" Leo shouted back as he and his teammates fell back to back, doing their best to keep all of their madly grinning opponents in sight. "YOU GUYS GO ON AHEAD, WE'LL KEEP THESE PSYCHOS OFF YOUR TAILS!"
Boss ground his teeth for a second before making the executive decision to snap his ropedart out at his pupils, albeit with the thermal-option deactivated. "THE HELL YOU BASTARDS ARE!"
Mikey's response was to shoot the dart out of the air with a swiftly-drawn pistol. "THE HELL WE AREN'T!" he shouted back as he aimed his pistols about. "THIS IS OUR CHOICE, BOSS! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO WATCH YOUR BACKS, IT MIGHT AS WELL BE US!"
"YOU GO ON AHEAD AND RESCUE ROBIN, WE'VE GOT YOUR SIX!" Donny reassured us with a spin of his staff.
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT US!" Raphey roared as she ground her sai together in a flurry of sparks. "WE'RE THE GUARD FORCE OF THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! IF WE CAN'T HOLD OUR OWN, NO ONE CAN!"
"AND IN THE END," Leo tensed as he held his blades at the ready. "THERE'S ONE IMMUTABLE FACT THAT JUST CAN'T BE IGNORED! TO HOLD THE LINE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY FOR THE SAKE OF ONE'S COMRADES…"
"Oh, here it comes…" Nami groaned as she ground her palm into her forehead. Still, she was smiling just as wide as the rest of us.
The quartet of warriors proceeded to leap at the Jurymen.
"THIS IS A MAN'S DUTY!"
Boss ground his teeth furiously as he watched his students brawl against the behemoths. "You little—! IF YOU BOYS DIE, I WILL PUNCH THE REAPER'S LIGHTS OUT SO THAT I CAN FISH YOU OUT OF HELL, AND PERSONALLY PUT YOU BACK THERE MYSELF!"
"GOOD LUCK, GUYS!" Usopp waved eagerly.
"DON'T FALL BEFORE THE BOYS DO, RAPHEY! GIRL POWER!" Su shouted.
"GO FOR THE GROIN!" Vivi encouraged. Every male in earshot paused long enough to shoot her a glare, the sole exception being Sanji, and even he didn't protest the many, many stink-eyes.
"Anyway, come on!" I waved for everyone to follow me as I continued up the stairs. "They've got this, now it's time that we do our part! And no cutting through the damn ceiling!" I shouted at Zoro.
"Tch…"
"WHY NOT? WHY ARE WE taking the long way to the roof?" Soundbite asked.
"Because if my memory serves me right…" I glanced upwards warily. "Odds are that Luffy is currently fighting Blueno, and we don't want to get in the middle of i—wait, what am I thinking? Can't you hear them?"
Soundbite visibly resisted the urge to somehow facepalm as he narrowed his eyestalks in concentration.
"I HEAR TWO GUYS up there besides the cap'n, and only ONE is conscious. Judging by the breath and heart pattern, BLUENO IS K.O. Currently, Luffy's fighting the other guy. Going by the fur, IT MUST BE THAT WOLF ZOAN YOU MENTIONED."
"JABRA?!" I snapped my head around to stare at Soundbite in shock.
"Yeah… but he sounds almost SCARED—OHHH, THAT'D DO IT!" Soundbite suddenly cackled ecstatically. "LUFFY'S pissed. HE'S ABOUT TO BECOME doggy kibble!"
"Wait, the wolf was mine, right? Who am I going to fight now?" Sanji grumbled.
"My suggestion? Torture Spandam for what he did to Robin," I deadpanned.
Sanji promptly combusted. "That'll work," he snarled in malevolent eagerness.
"Speaking of…" I cast a sidelong glance at Soundbite.
The gastropod's expression promptly soured. "Yeah, I got them. Robin and Franky are hurt…" His scowl morphed into a grimace. "And everything about the bastard gloating in front of them reads SCUM OF THE EARTH."
"Yeah, well—WOAH!" I hissed in panic as I suddenly slammed myself back behind a corner I'd been about to round, narrowly missing a bullet aimed for my head. "Yeah, well, take solace in the fact that we're going to make his life suck very soon. Can you tell me when he looks out his window in a panic?"
"Oh, yeah, easily!"
"Good," I flicked my baton out as I got ready to head out. "Then do that, and then we'll really be able to make that bastard squirm. For now, however?"
I joined my crewmates in charging the hapless defenders.
"GET THEM!"
-o-
"We're a few nautical miles from our destination, Captain!" Apis called down from the crow's nest. She then glanced up at the seagull wheeling away from them with a hesitant look before continuing. "And can I just say that I really don't like this plan? I've been talking to our guide, and according to him, this place's reputation undersells the reality! Birds don't even chance flying over it unless they can enter the stratosphere, and even then they consider it a gamble!"
Bartolomeo menacingly leered up at the Whisper-Girl. "So, basically, what you're saying is that it's a hellish deathtrap that no sane entity, human or otherwise, would ever dare enter no matter what?"
Apis hesitated slightly before exchanging uneasy looks with Lindy and then looking back down at their captain in dread. "Yes?"
Bartolomeo's shark-like grin all but split his face. "Perfect!"
The girl hung her head with a tearful sob. "Why, oh, why couldn't we have been saved by the Straw Hats?" she moaned dismally.
Lindy warbled thoughtfully.
Apis' head promptly jerked as the point hit her dead-on. "Oh, yeah, you're right… they would have been worse, wouldn't they?"
"You got that damn right!" Valentine and 5 called up in acrid tones.
"SHUT IT!" Barto barked at the top of his lungs before nodding at Apis and jabbing a thumb at the crew's newest Transponder Snail. "Alright, brat, get this snail to call the biggest fish it knows and let's get this show on the road!"
Miss Goldenweek cocked an eyebrow in dull interest as she watched the other pre-adolescent on the crew converse with the snail, biting into a rice cracker she was holding before angling her head towards Gin. "Remind me why we're doing this again?"
Gin maintained his own neutral expression as he angled his head towards the painter. "According to the Boss, we're calling the Marines so that we can take credit for attacking that Noble and draw whichever Admiral they send after us on a wild goose chase, which is why we're in these godforsaken waters in the first place."
Goldenweek hummed noncommittally as she sank her teeth into the cracker. "And in reality?"
Gin moaned wearily as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "He wants to taunt the Marines for shits and giggles because he thinks it's fun as hell and because it's what he thinks the Straw Hats would do."
Goldenweek's cracker snapped in half in her mouth. "…You ever wonder how the hell we got into this kind of a situation?"
"Every single day." Gin held his pose for a second before allowing a minor smile to quirk out from behind his hand. "Mind you, that doesn't mean I'd want to be anywhere else."
"Preach it," the diminutive artist drawled as she held up a fist, which Gin met halfway with his own.
"EVERYONE CLAM IT!" Barto suddenly bellowed at the top of his lungs, causing his crew to fall silent as he jabbed a thumb at the vibrating snail resting on a nearby crate. "It's ringing! We should get a connection any sec—!"
He was promptly interrupted by the Snail in question barking out a KA-LICK! and snapping to attention.
Barto turned to face the snail with a grin that was equal parts shit-eating and bloodthirsty, his arms and fingers crossed in front of his chest.
"Helloooooo, Marine Headquarters! This is Black Bart Bartolomeo, calling to—!"
"We know exactly who you are, Black Bart," came a voice that was most decidedly not Fleet Admiral Sengoku—or any Marine officer, for that matter. It was, however, powerful enough to freeze Bartolomeo in place. "And we would like to know how you managed to get ahold of this number and why you are calling us."
Bartolomeo hesitated for a moment before steeling his back and transitioning his leer into a scowl. "I stole this snail off the ship of a World Noble whose nose I personally—" The hooligan-turned-pirate shot a warning look at his first mate, cowing him into silence before continuing. "Broke with my bare knuckles. I'm calling you bastards so that I can take credit for the public service I committed, and so that I can lay a message at the feet of the highest fucker on the food chain I can get my hands on."
It was a credit to the speaker that he didn't even twitch an inch as he regarded Bartolomeo by proxy with an expression akin to boredom. "And what you would like to share with us?" it requested.
SLAM!
The crew of the Cannibal jumped in shock as Bartolomeo slammed his hands on both sides of the crate so that he could better loom over the snail, his visage absolutely beastly.
"Come and fucking get me, pigs," he spat venomously.
There was a moment of silence, followed by the voice speaking up with only a trace of anger amidst the flat calm. "Well, seeing as you managed to acquire one of the few Transponder Snails in the world with a direct line to we, the Five Elder Stars, I suppose you may very well consider your message as having been received."
Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine, along with several of their crewmates, promptly fainted, whereas Gin had to scramble to simultaneously catch an insensate Apis before she could hit the deck and whack Miss Goldenweek on the back as she inhaled her rice cracker whole and started choking on it.
Bartolomeo's smile, meanwhile, dropped into an expression of utmost horror that indicated that he was only a few seconds away from voiding his bowels. However, said expression remained in place for only five seconds before his grin returned, more bestial than human now.
"Well, while I still have your attention…" he growled. "Do your fucking worst."
The Transponder Snail narrowed its eyes and leaned forward in turn. "Admiral Akainu and five battleships will be with you shortly to do just that."
Bartolomeo opened his mouth to say something else—
"WOAHSHIT!"
When a wave of pure presence suddenly swept over the deck. The barrier-man only just managed to stay conscious and catch himself on the crate he was leaning over as the wave struck him like a sledgehammer. The rest of his crew, however, wasn't even remotely so lucky. Rather, about half of them collapsed on the spot with foam bubbling from their mouths. Not even the snail from which the wave originated was spared, and the connection was cut as it too sank into blissful unconsciousness.
Bartolomeo took a few minutes to regain his senses, upon which he turned towards the only other person on the ship who was not out cold. "I think we got their attention," he said in an attempt at bravado.
"No, really? I wasn't sure. So, what are we going to do now, Captain?" Gin whispered harshly; he had no idea what that was, but neither Krieg nor Straw Hat nor anything that he had experienced since he swore his loyalty to Bartolomeo had been remotely close to that level of intimidation. It was the final confirmation to him that he was insane, if he was opposing anyone capable of doing that through a freaking Transponder Snail call.
"Now?" Bartolomeo asked before adopting an ear-to-ear sharktooth grin. "Now we run."
Gin swallowed heavily before nodding firmly. "I never thought I'd say this about retreating… but that's what I was hoping you'd say." With that, he blew out a sharp whistle and swung his arm in order to garner his conscious crewmates' attention. "ALRIGHT, EVERYONE HOP TO IT! DROP THE SAILS AND GET US MOVING, NOW NOW NOW!
It was slow going; many of those onboard were clearly in no hurry to wake up, and only the elapsed time and sailing managed to counterbalance that enough that they had enough people up and working to sail the Cannibal. The fear of what was coming was a mixed motivator; some of the crew were spurred on to avoid it, while others were too overwhelmed to stay conscious.
Eventually, however, the moment that they were waiting for (read: absolutely dreading) arrived: all at once, the wind ceased moving them forward, and the tide ceased swaying beneath them.
"So, Captain," Miss Goldenweek grit out nervously as she stared over the edge of the Cannibal at the unnaturally placid waters they were floating in. "I'll admit that the Calm Belt is probably the safest place in the world to hide from the small army after our hides; they may be able to somehow slip through with their ships, but that won't keep the Sea Kings from seeing them when they surface to get us. But there's one thing that I—and all of us for that matter—want to know." She snapped a fearful look at her Captain. "How do you expect us to survive here long enough for Sengoku to get a leash back on the Mad Dog?"
"Hehahahaha!" Bartolomeo threw his head back and roared with laughter as he crossed his arms and fingers. "It's simple, brat! Hell, it's so simple, it's pure brilliance! See, Sea Kings are just like dinosaurs, right? And the thing about dinosaurs is that they won't go after anything that's not moving! So, so long as we don't start paddling or rocking the Cannibal too much and keep quiet for a few days until this whole mess blows over, then we'll be in the free and clear! Genius, huh?"
For how tense the atmosphere became, they may as well have been experiencing the air deficiency that came from the White Sea.
"And how exactly do you figure that that will work when literally nobody else has ever done that?" Valentine whispered incredulously.
"Because they're always in such a hurry to get out of the Calm Belt, of course! They never stick around long enough to try it!"
Silence reigned anew for a moment until Apis hesitantly raised a hand. "Captain… w-where exactly did you learn about Sea Kings having dynamic vision?"
"Eh?" Bartolomeo blinked at the whisper-girl in confusion. "It's an old sea legend that's been floatin' around docks of Loguetown for years. Why do you ask?"
There was a moment of utter, horrified silence as the entirety of the crew stared at Bartolomeo with a variety of emotions.
Then… the silence was broken by a pop!
In a moment, the crew of the Cannibal was at the ship's railing and staring at the waters of the Calm Belt.
Specifically, they were staring at a spot a few meters away from their ship… where a trail of lone bubbles was slowly drifting to the surface and popping, one after another after another.
"…Captain… permission to speak freely?" Mr. 5 asked in a voice that might have been calm had it not been an octave higher than usual.
Bartolomeo swallowed heavily as a sheen of cold sweat started to shine on his brow. "You know I don't give two shits whether ya do or don't."
"Then in that case…"
Yet another bubble pop!-ed…
And suddenly the ocean erupted with the bubbles of surfacing Sea Kings.
"YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING MORON!"
-o-
'Gold with anger' wasn't usually an appropriate description for describing unholy wrath. In fact, some might even consider such a description to be utterly ridiculous.
And if anyone in Marineford had failed to see the logic in that phrase before that day, they had it thoroughly hammered home very, very hard as their highest superior fumed in response to the numerous status reports coming to him. It was hard to tell how much of it was due to the situation and how much of it was due to the fact that it was still, to reiterate, the middle of the night.
"Admiral Akainu has departed with five battleships by order of the Five Elder Stars to apprehend 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo for attacking a Celestial Dragon vessel," Vice Admiral Mozambia reported grimly. "Admirals Kizaru and Aokiji, however, remain at the ready."
"As ready as they ever are, anyways…" Sengoku grumbled darkly as he shuffled some papers about.
"Unfortunately, that's not the only crisis we have on our hands. The Emperor 'Red-Haired' Shanks has somehow been goaded into a rampage," Vice Admiral Stainless added with a grimace. "Most of our men on the other side of the Red Line capable of getting here in a timely manner are… no longer capable."
"And unfortunately, those that were still available are now tied up in an entirely new fiasco," Vice Admiral Tsuru sighed wearily as she leaned on her cane. "Apparently that damn up-and-comer 'pretty boy' Cavendish decided to refresh the world's memory of himself."
"Where does his bounty sit at?" the Fleet Admiral growled.
Tsuru shook her head with a sigh. "I'm afraid that in truth, he himself isn't the issue, but rather the consequences of his actions." She gave her old friend a solemn look. "He raided a tribute ship headed for Totland… right as Big Mom got a craving for precisely what it was carrying. We suspect he might have contracted some form of clairvoyance to help him achieve her current reaction."
Sengoku's shine amped up a few notches. "Said reaction being?"
"Full-on rampage, and not only is Cavendish managing to keep ahead of her, but he seems to be headed for Wano of all places. Doflamingo and Jinbe are trying to intercept her, but I think that it would be prudent to also deploy Kuma just in case, as well as some of Vegapunk's prototypes."
"As for the rest of those damn dogs," Garp growled as he rubbed the bandage wrapped around his face. "Mihawk is incommunicado as usual, Hancock is ignoring us as usual, and according to Moria's subordinates, he has Thriller Bark set on chasing that damn razor-toothed brat Drake and another big-shot rookie named Hawkins around the Triangle, which they are somehow managing to navigate. So, unless you're willing to spring Crocodile for round two—!"
"I'm not."
"Then yeah, we're out of luck where the mutts are concerned." Garp shook his head with a grimace. "And that's not all. Apparently, Hawkins, Drake, and Barty aren't the only rookies active. Unless I miss my guess, the Straw Hats' actions have incited something of a pissing match amongst all of this generation's up-and-comers. Who's on first?"
"Yeah, I got one, lemme see…" the perpetually grinning Vice Admiral Yamakaji grunted as he flipped through a report. "Alright, here we are: well, for starters, we have Jeremiah Cross's rival, 'Roar of the Seas' Apoo. He's leading the On-Air Pirates and some other crew to attack Task Force Cerberus for some ungodly reason. Commodore Blakely's fighting the good fight, sure, but last reports say that her ships were capsized, so…" He shrugged helplessly.
"Next up, we have the Firetank Pirates led by Capone 'Gang' Bege," Vice Admiral Strawberry drawled. "I'm afraid that there's no good way to put this, so I'll come right out with it: An hour ago, the Firetank Pirates managed to successfully infiltrate and raid Fort Lumose. They got away with every beri and every ingot held within."
Sengoku's eye twitched furiously for a moment before he slowly leaned forward to dig his fingers into the much-abused edge of the conference table. "Fort Lumose," he grit out. "Is the repository for all of the Navy's funding in Paradise. You mean to say they made a clean getaway with a quarter of our liquid assets!?"
Strawberry nodded his head solemnly, causing several of his comrades to hastily duck in order to avoid being brained. "I'm afraid so sir.
"Besides that," Vice Admiral Momonga hummed indifferently as he took the time to polish his Josho Kiryu. "Captain' Kid and his men are attempting to make a bloodbath out of Blackarm Island. Attempting being the operative word here, the instructors are putting up a hell of a fight. Though…" He scowled grimly. "Honestly, that's not that much of a good thing, seeing as how it's just making the conflict draw out even longer.
"And of course, to cap it all off," Vice Admiral Onigumo snarled around his cigar in disgust. "I'm sure we're all quite aware of what 'Mad Monk' Urouge did on Kyuka Island."
The assembled officers all shuddered as one. What had happened on that island was… it was just wrong.
Their revulsion was then swept aside and replaced with existential terror when the room lit up like the new dawn.
"Is there any good news?" Sengoku bit out viciously, sounding about ten seconds away from trying to punch someone; and going by how the Vice Admirals were edging away from Garp, they all knew who his most likely target was.
"U-Uh…" The Hero shed buckets of sweat as he furiously racked his brains before grinning desperately. "Still no word on the Glutton or the Surgeon! No news is good news, right?"
Sengoku snorted heavily through his nose, his mouth opening for a blistering tirade—
Until the thunking of a cane garnered his attention. "Calm down, Sengoku," Vice Admiral Tsuru prompted in a bored yet stern tone. "Remember, none of us are as young as we used to be."
The Buddha-man clenched and unclenched his fists for a moment before forcing himself to relax, huffing out a weary sigh that was filled with his tension. "Yes," he admitted solemnly. "Yes, no news is very much good news."
"A-Ah, F-Fleet Admiral? W-We have an incoming d-distress call from G-76."
Then Chief Petty Officer Helmeppo poked an arm holding a tray carrying a Transponder Snail into the room, and suddenly all that tension was right back where it started. And it then proceeded to grow as a very cocky and very un-distressed voice came through the connection.
-o-
"Hellooo, Fleet Admiral Sengoku," a certain pink-haired pirate purred around the half-dozen pocky sticks she was chowing down on. "Jewelry Bonney here, giving you my fondest of hellos~!"
"Brat," the incandescently glowering gastropod snarled out viciously. "You may not know this, but my patience has been systematically worn down to nothing over the past two hours, so unless you're calling to tell me that you are doing the right and smart thing and surrendering yourself to our authority, I suggest that you—"
"Honestly, I could care less about what you have to suggest, you old fart," Bonney interrupted with a cackle, spraying crumbs all over the snail in the process. "I just wanted to call you to let you know that my men and I have, eh…" She paused to snicker, spraying more crumbs. "Invited ourselves into good ol' G-76 and are liberally helping ourselves to their larder! Oh, and ah…"
Another snicker, this time accompanied by a wave of her hand. And more crumbs, naturally. "Just so you know, we opened our doors to the island's public, so they're in here, too, eating the base's food! Aaaalong with taking whatever isn't nailed down, and they're bringing in crowbars for whatever actually is. Oh!" She snapped her fingers in faux realization, finally swallowing. "Aaand I saw a few guys in cloaks rummaging through these real important filing cabinets, just thought you'd wanna know. Aaaanyways…"
Bonney stretched her arms above her head as she leaned back in her seat. "I just wanted to call you up, let you know that we're having a little shindig here, sooo if you and your shiny brass boys wanna come down here and share a few drinks, we're all ready and—!"
Rather than the typical KA-LICK! associated with hanging up a snail, the connection dropped in what sounded very much like a muffled explosion… which was then followed up by a KA-LICK!, as well as Bonney's practically hysterical cackling.
"Ohohohoh, maaaan, that was awesome!" the Glutton wheezed ecstatically. "I've wanted to give that golden bastard a piece of my mind for ye-e-eaaars, hahaha! The only way that could have been better, the only way, would have been if that damn volcanic mutt had been there too, because then my year would be utterly made! Hahahaaaa, I have got to save some of this grub for the Straw Hats, because I owe them the mother of all gift baskets for giving me the inspiration to pull this off! HAHAHAAAA!"
"Yeah yeah, whatever you say, you damn bottomless pit," a youthful yet perpetually tired-looking man who was lounging in a seat next to Bonney drawled, his hands moving in well-practiced motions, though touching nothing. "And just for the record, because I think that rum I picked up from the base commander's office is starting to hit me, remind me why I agreed to this brief alliance, again?"
Bonney's cackling cut off as she sent a sidelong glance at her partner in crime before sinking back into her seat, a bone that she'd already picked clean finding itself crushed between her jaws.
"Because," she drawled. "Both of us needed some way to prove that the Straw Hats aren't the only contenders in the competition for Roger's throne, and I wanted to distract the Marines long enough that the Straw Hats aren't overwhelmed at Enies, and I needed you and your crew's help to pull this 'little' stunt off." Bonney then adopted a cocky smirk as she drained the marrow from the splintered bone. "Besides, Surgeon of Death, are you saying that you aren't having fun?"
Trafalgar Law didn't fight the smirk that came over his face as he rested his hands, contemplating his handiwork with slightly drunk awe. "Absolutely not. It's been a long time since I played Jenga, so why would I turn down a friendly game? You first, by the way."
"Why, thank you very much," Bonney purred as she gave the Surgeon a mock-bow.
She then stood up and climbed one of the surgically assembled staircases surrounding a tower of precariously stacked and futilely struggling soldiers with mismatched bodies. Upon reaching her desired piece, she reeled her leg back—!
"Tenderizer!"
And whipped her foot into the Marine's skull, sending him rocketing out of his place and ricocheting off of the storage room's far wall, following which he flipped through the air and landed quite precariously on top of the pile.
Bonney pumped her fist with a cheer. "Oh, yeah! Beat that, beanpole!"
Law barely moved from where he was lounging as he grinned in reply, waving his sword through the air like a conductor's baton as he slooowly pushed another of the Marines out of the pile and floated him up to the top. Even as he worked, the usually stoic pirate's smirk grew to match Bonney's own grin.
'I'll have to thank the Straw Hats when we meet in person,' he silently reflected. 'They might be a bunch of juvenile nuthouses even by Pirate standards, but I sure as hell can't deny that I haven't had this much fun in years.'
-o-
"Incredible, isn't it, Funkfreed?" Spandam crooned to his elephant-sword, his finger hovering dangerously close to the trigger mechanism that would herald the demise of Enies Lobby. "One press of a button and a whole island disappears."
The director of CP9 snickered as he held the Golden Transponder Snail in the palm of his hand, watching the reactions of the prisoners chained to the wall of the room. Honestly, it was hard to tell what was giving him a bigger rush as he toyed with the snail: the sheer power floating just inches below his fingertips, or the expression of deliciously agonizing terror Nico Robin wore whenever he brought the snail out to begin with, much less whenever he threatened to actually activate it.
Sadly for him, Spandam's fun came to an end when one of CP9's newest Devil Fruit users entered the room with controlled haste. Spandam looked up, surprised but not startled, as a grim-faced Kaku stalked over to him, an ordinary—if awake and glowering—Transponder Snail on a tray in his hands. "Chief. Sorry to barge in like this, but to get to the point, your snail is off the hook again and we've received an urgent call from Marineford. The Straw Hats have crossed into an unprecedented level of insanity."
Spandam responded with an expression of pure incredulity. "Eh? Yeah, I already knew about that. I got a report about Straw Hat attacking earlier. He only managed to take down five guards, what of—?"
"FIVE!? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, YOU PATHETIC RAT!?"
"GYAH!" Spandam leaped out of his seat in terror when the Transponder Snail Kaku was carrying suddenly roared and flashed gold. The assassin's grip on the tray was firm, but sweat was glistening on his hands, clearly betraying his tense nerves.
Well, that and the way that his superior was desperately flailing to catch the impassive and truly Golden Snail he'd flung into the air in his terror.
Thankfully enough, Spandam managed to grab the Golden Snail without touching the doomsday button on top of its shell. After sighing in relief and stowing the snail safely in his jacket, the director promptly snapped into a shaky salute. "F-F-Fleet Admiral Sengoku, sir!" he yelped in an equally panicked and respectful tone. "W-W-What are you calling us f-for?! I-I already s-sent you my report over an hour ago! While we, unfortunately, lost the blueprints for the Pluton—" He took a second to shoot a murderous glare at Cutty Flam, who responded by snapping his teeth and growling. "W-We still managed to capture Nico Robin, so the mission went off without a hitch!"
"WITHOUT A—!?" Sengoku started to bellow before cutting himself with a sidelong glance. He then sighed out a puff of infuriated breath as he lost his golden sheen, though much of his prior fury remained. "Without a hitch!? Damn it, Spandam, do you have a brick between your ears?! Haven't you gotten any reports from the main island?! Haven't you been listening to the SBS like I'm sure the whole world is doing right at this instant!?"
"Ah…" Spandam hedged uneasily as he glanced at the drowsy half-awake snail on his desk.
"Er, F-Fleet Admiral, sir?" Kaku hedged uncomfortably as he mentally kicked himself for speaking up. "Chief Spandam put the Tower of Justice on lockdown shortly after we returned with Nico Robin, as a security precaution. The drawbridge is raised and there are no communications in or out as a result, so if there are any ongoing situations on the island, all actions are being run through Judge Baskerville."
There was a moment of silence before Sengoku sighed angrily. "I suppose I can't fault you for that," he grumbled to himself.
Spandam and Kaku promptly sighed in relief, though the assassin was swift to free one of his hands and move it through the air in a precise series of motions: {I want a raise.}
Spandam rolled his eye with a scowl as he signed back. {The monkey prunes on the roof at midnight.}
Kaku's eyebrows shot up to the brim of his hat in a mix of shock and incredulity.
Spandam then frowned as he glanced down at his hands in confusion. "Wait a minute…" he muttered.
"You don't have even a second, Director Spandam!" Sengoku barked. "And that still doesn't account for the SBS!"
"EEP!" Spandam flinched back in terror before shooting a look at his desk. "I-I-I don't know what you're talking about, Fleet Admiral! Everyone in the Tower of Justice has a Transponder Snail, and nobody has reported so much as a ring of the SBS!"
"But that's—!" Sengoku started to yell before cutting off into a snarl. "Damn it… Of all the times for that loud-mouthed son of a bitch to figure out how to use the damn thing's interdiction field… Jeremiah Cross has been preventing the SBS from being broadcast to any snails near him, he's been on the air for the past two hours!"
Spandam froze, his mouth slightly open and snot starting to slide out of his nose as the implications hit him like a sledgehammer upside the head. However, even as Cutty Flam started to cackle and Nico Robin groaned in exasperated despair, the director of CP9 was swift to rally in an attempt to salvage what little (if any) dignity he still had remaining.
"P-P-Please, Fleet Admiral," he pleaded desperately. "E-Even if it is the Straw Hats, t-they're still just o-one pirate crew! T-The last message I received about Straw Hat said that h-he'd only managed to take out five of our men! H-How much damage could they have possibly have caused in a m-measly two hours!?"
Kaku paled in horror as the snail he was holding started to shine and a number of veins started bulging in a very unhealthy manner. "A-Ah, Fleet Admiral? Before you proceed to rip my superior a new one… executive permission to speak freely?"
"Make it fast."
"Thank you, sir." And with that, Kaku gave his commander a flat look. "You had to say it, you absolute fucking idiot."
Spandam sputtered indignantly—
"YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE OF A HUMAN BEING!"
—up until Sengoku started bellowing loudly enough to cause the windowpanes to vibrate. Kaku wisely set the snail down and backed away to what he judged to be a safe distance.
"HOW MUCH DAMAGE COULD THEY HAVE CAUSED IN TWO HOURS?! TO START, JEREMIAH CROSS SUBVERTED OIMO AND KASHI AND HAD THEM BREAK DOWN THE GATEHOUSE! THE STRAW HATS AND THE SMALL ARMY OF ALLIES THEY BROUGHT WITH THEM, SIXTY IN ALL, THEN PROCEEDED TO RUN ROUGHSHOD OVER THE REGULAR SOLDIERS! AS FOR THE ELITES, THAT DAMNED SNAIL LEASHED THE WATCHDOGS, BASKERVILLE'S BEEN CUT DOWN, AND THE JURYMEN AREN'T EVEN SLOWING THEM DOWN!"
Spandam's mind managed to peg onto at least one aspect of the rant. "W-Wait, Basker—!? Y-You mean—!?"
"THEY'RE IN THE DAMNED COURTHOUSE!" Sengoku barked. "AND IF ALL OF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH, THE ENTIRE THING HAS BEEN BROADCAST ON THE SBS! NOT ONLY ARE WE LOOKING EVERY BIT LIKE THE INCOMPETENT FOOLS THAT CROSS DESCRIBES US AS, HE'S INSPIRED ALL TEN OF THE OTHER BIG-SHOT ROOKIES IN PARADISE TO FOLLOW THE STRAW HATS' LEAD!"
Spandam looked like nothing so much as a goldfish that had been ripped out of the water and left on the pier.
"IN SUMMARY, THIS IS THE SINGLE MOST HUMILIATING MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE NAVY AND WORLD GOVERNMENT PUT TOGETHER SINCE ROGER'S EXECUTION, YOU INCOMPETENT MORON!" Sengoku huffed and snarled viciously for a moment before puffing out an irritated breath. "Ohhh, but don't just take my word for it. If you don't believe me, try looking out your damn window. I'm certain that you'll be able to see the SMOKE FROM THE ISLAND BURNING BENEATH YOUR FEET FROM THERE!"
Shocked into motion by the sudden spike in volume, the chief of CP9 scrambled to the window of his office, where he pressed his face to the glass… and just stared. Stared at the rampant fires blazing across the island, stared at the utter swath of destruction carved through the center of Enies Lobby, and most important of all, he stared at the roof of the courthouse so far below.
"Tha-That's Jabra…" Spandam breathed numbly. "A-And… Blueno…"
"Let me be clear, Spandam," Sengoku growled behind the leather-faced man, his voice having undergone an unsettling shift from berserk to far too calm. "This is already nothing short of a disaster. So, rather than a warning or orders, I'm presenting you with an ultimatum: If the SBS is still running and confirming that the Straw Hats are currently in Enies Lobby at the first light of dawn, I will be setting sail for the Judicial Island myself along with every Marine that I can muster. Let me be clear, Director Spandam: If the situation is not under control by the time I arrive, there will be consequences."
The room suddenly pulsed with a wave of presence, and it took every last one of Spandam's mental faculties to keep from voiding his bowels.
"Don't disappoint me further."
The connection dropped, and Spandam collapsed to his knees as he desperately clutched the sill of his window. His mental gears slowly began grinding again, processing the nightmarish amount of information he had just heard. OK, so the Straw Hats were advancing at an alarming rate. But surely they wouldn't be able to get past CP9. He called to mind that his entire goal was to end this so-called 'Great Pirate Era.'
In the end, no amount of bad publicity would be able to cause a permanent mark on him, so long as he was the one responsible for bringing the last key to the Ancient Weapons left in existence under the control of the World Government. All he needed to do was order CP9 to subdue the Straw Hats, and escort Nico Robin safely to the Gates of Justice. Yes… Yes, once the demon was on her way to Marineford, his future was secure.
Lulled into a semblance of calm with his reasoning, Spandam clawed his way back to his feet, turned back towards his subordinate, and opened his mouth to give his orders.
"Ooooh, Spandam, Spandam, Spandam."
Said orders died when Kaku and Spandam both froze as the un-hooked Transponder Snail on Spandam's desk suddenly adopted a sickeningly familiar leer and started speaking in an even more familiar voice.
"Shit," Kaku summarized weakly.
"Cross—!" Robin gasped out.
"With all due respect, Robin?" Cross interrupted, directing a flat stare her way. "Cram it. You've had your say, this is ours. And as for you!" The snail turned its attention back to Spandam. "I'm just curious… why are you acting so surprised, Spandam? I mean, shouldn't you have seen this coming?" Cross bared his teeth in a vicious parody of a smile. "After all… you stole a demon from a pack of devils. Did you honestly think that we wouldn't BRING HELL ITSELF TO STORM THE VERY GATES OF HEAVEN TO GET HER BACK!?"
"Y-You—!" Spandam bit out indignantly.
"Allow me to demonstrate!" Cross continued before adopting a scowl. "ATTENTION ALL MORTAR TEAMS!" he barked, not in his voice, but rather in Spandam's.
The genuine article blinked in confusion. "W-What the—!?"
"AIM ALL CANNONS AT THE PREDETERMINED TARGET IMMEDIATELY!" 'Spandam' ordered. "ON MY MARK… FIRE!"
The blood drained from Spandam's face as he connected the dots. "You didn't…" he whispered numbly as he slowly turned on his heel to stare out the window in horror.
His pallor quintupled when he caught sight of well over a dozen mortar shells rocketing straight at him.
"You wanna know the best part of this little scheme?" Cross stated, as if he was discussing what he'd had for lunch. "I didn't even need your voice to set it up. I just had to make myself sound like the most worthless, arrogant, self-entitled piece of primordial ooze on the face of the planet, and your men just ate. It. Up. How crazy is that, eh?"
Spandam didn't have remotely close to enough presence of mind to react to the insult. In fact, despite the incoming flight of death, he found himself unable to do more than stare in horror, his mental gears utterly locked up.
"Oh, for Pete's sake—!"
Up until Kaku grabbed the back of his collar, tossed him farther back into his office—
"TEMPEST KICK!"
And lashed his leg out at the window, sending a wave of razor-sharp wind barrelling out of the office's window and slamming into the shells in mid-air.
KA-BOOM!
Which, naturally, caused them to explode, and the resulting shockwave blew out the office's wall.
Kaku guarded his face for a second with a wince as shrapnel bounced off of him before shooting a scowl at the grinning snail on Spandam's desk. "You do realize that your comrades were in here too, correct!?"
"And you do realize that I knew that there was no chance in hell of Spandam not having a Cipher Pol Operative guarding him at all times, right?" Cross shot back tauntingly. "Anyway, we're almost to the top of the courthouse and Luffy should be done neutering the mutt any second now. See you soon…"
Cross's smile widened demonically.
"Long-neck."
The connection shut off just as the blood drained from Kaku's face. "H-How the hell—!? I haven't even known for more than an hour!"
"Known what?" Kalifa asked as she and the rest of Cipher Pol No. 9 Shaved into the decimated room.
Kaku shot a panicked look at his fellow agent, at which point his terror suddenly intensified. "H-He, Cross… h-he just called me 'Long-neck!' A-And you—! B-Bubbly—!"
Kalifa instantly paled as well, the implications hitting her like a sledgehammer. "B-But that's—! But he—! H-How!?"
"I don't know," Lucci interrupted his fellow agents, his voice as firm as steel and his expression ten times harder. "And I don't care. Either way, it won't matter once he and all of his crewmates are dead, and unless you two shape up right now, you will be joining them. Is that clear?"
Kaku and Kalifa stared at him in naked terror for an instant before straightening their stances and nodding firmly. "Yes, Lucci," they said.
"Good. Now…" Lucci turned a predatory glare at the gaping hole in the wall. "Where are they?"
"Ahem."
Lucci blinked and spared a glance at the pigeon on his shoulder, who was cocking his head in contemplation. "Check, check check, check. Well, now," Hattori nodded definitively. "It would appear that they have approached close enough for us to be within range of the snail. Unless I miss my guess, perhaps he is performing this feat subconsciously?"
"Ah, r-right, right!" Kaku slapped his hand to his forehead. "Sorry, forgot in all the excitement, they're in the courthouse, it's how Cross knew when to order the mortar teams to fire on us for maximum effect. Apparently, they've managed to fight their way past the entire island."
Lucci shot Kaku a warning glare before marching over to the room's impromptu balcony and glancing downwards. He then froze the blood of his comrades in their veins when he bared his teeth in a snarl.
"What," he bit out furiously. "The blue hell does Jabra think he's doing?"
"Well, he's a Carnivorous Zoan as well, just without as much discipline as you. I would assume he let his bloodlust for fighting Straw Hat get the better of him," Hattori mused.
"…I think I could get used to you being able to talk," Lucci stated neutrally as the rest of CP9 joined him in observing the fight below.
"Well," Kalifa stated frigidly as she adjusted her glasses. "There's only one way to describe this particular stunt."
"Sexual harassment, chapapa?" Fukuro deadpanned.
"Suicidal stupidity."
"R-Right, right! He-He's fighting Jabra, that's nothing to worry about," Spandam sputtered with growing confidence, apparently not hearing Kalifa as he turned his head. "Unchain the prisoners and bring them over here. I want them to observe the exact moment when Straw Hat's life is ended."
The agents of CP9 exchanged uneasy glances, but a subtle jerk of Lucci's head prompted Kumadori to march back into the office and drag Franky and Robin back with him by their chains.
"You do realize that you are in way over your head, right, Spanda?" Franky sneered at the chief of CP9. Said smile was then wiped off when Kumadori backhanded him with his fist, prompting him to snap his jaws at the pink-haired man.
"Silence, you disrespectful cur," Spandam ordered in a tone that, from anyone else, would have been more than halfway menacing. "Let this serve as a reminder to you of the true might of the World Government. No matter how strong you think Straw Hat may be, Enies Lobby has stood as a stronghold for centuries, and I'll be damned if a rubber-brained rookie annihilates that reputation in a single night."
Franky snarled at Kumadori for a second longer before smirking menacingly. "Well, you're right about that, at least."
A spike of fear drove into Spandam's mind for a moment as he pictured what would happen if, by some miracle, Straw Hat actually won. The next instant, however, he banished the thought from his mind as he looked over the edge and called down to the wolf Zoan.
"FINISH HIM, JABRA! SHOW THAT WORTHLESS PIRATE THE TRUE MIGHT OF CIPHER POL 9!"
-o-
Jabra's ear flicked slightly as he felt a sudden spike in his ever-present urge to rip Spandam's head from his shoulders.
Under normal circumstances, the Zoan-user's enhanced senses would have most likely picked up Spandam's words of 'encouragement' with ease.
Normal circumstances, however, did not entail Jabra's skull ringing like a church bell on Sunday morning on account of repeated blows to the head that a thoroughly infuriated ballistic rubber-man continued to inflict. His Iron Body Kenpo had offered him some relief, but Straw Hat's bottomless well of willpower had rendered that obsolete two minutes in. And to make matters even worse, the so-called 'Gear Second' technique that he was employing had not only amplified his speed to the point where he was Shaving like he'd been doing it all his life, but it had also amplified his strength tenfold, to the point where he was all but straight up ignoring the agent's Iron Body.
'Damn… Damn it all… I wanted a fight with Straw Hat Luffy, not a freaking massacre like this,' he thought, panting and sweating like a dog as he kept his head on a swivel, trying and failing to keep an accurate bead on the sonic pirate.
But indeed, a massacre was what the conflict boiled down to. For every bit that Jabra was fast, Luffy was faster. For every bit that he was tough, the pirate was tougher. And for every bit that he was strong, well…
A flash of movement to the side granted Jabra enough forewarning to spin on his heels and cross his arms defensively as he tensed every muscle of his body.
"JET RIFLE!"
"GAGH!"
Jabra coughed up a mouthful of blood as the grinding blow blasted him off his feet and slammed him into one of the few parapets that had not yet been demolished.
…no comment.
The wolf-Zoan peeled himself out of his dent in the stone with a pained groan, stumbling forward slightly in a desperate effort to regain his balance. "No…" he spat viciously. "I refuse… I refuse…"
Without warning, the wolf surged forward, charging at Luffy on all fours as he howled at the top of his lungs. "I REFUSE TO LOSE TO SOMEONE LIKE YOU!" He slashed both of his claws down at Luffy's exact position. "WOLF HUNT HIGH-SPEED SCRATCH!"
Luffy glared bloody murder at the wolf as the attack came down on him… up until the last moment, when he suddenly disappeared and the claws passed through the space he'd occupied moments before without resistance.
Jabra stumbled as he tried to regain his balance and glanced around in concussion-enhanced confusion. "W-Wha… where—?"
"GUM GUM—!"
Jabra's head snapped up just in time to catch sight of Luffy spinning on an axis in midair.
"JET HOMERUN!"
CRACK!
And then his vision was filled with nothing but pipe, followed up in short order by stone.
Jabra groaned into the stonework of the much-abused roof as he tried to kickstart his mind back into at least a semblance of working condition. When he finally got his mind back in something resembling order, he slowly worked his claws beneath his torso and pushed himself into a kneeling position, allowing him to cough up yet another mouthful of blood, along with more than a few fragments of broken teeth.
"Damn it…" Jabra wheezed painfully as he forced his head up. "You little… fucki—!" The wolf-man's words died in his muzzle as he managed to catch sight of Luffy.
It was the eyes that did it. Oh, sure, his concussion was influencing him a bit, but from that day forward Jabra would forevermore swear up and down that it was the eyes that did the trick. It was Straw Hat Luffy's eyes that hit him the hardest. It was his stance, his gaze, however real or imagined. It was how every inch of Jabra knew, in that instant, just knew, that there wasn't one person standing where Luffy was standing, but two.
One was Straw Hat Luffy, sure, but the other… the strength it emanated despite its unassuming form, the impassive expression, the eyes… the eyes that had stared at him every time, the only times he had ever been defeated. Eyes that made him feel tiny, no matter how loud he howled or how large he grew. Eyes filled with nothing but cold, bloody darkness where the soul was supposed to be…
"Don't look at me like that…" Jabra breathed, softly at first before baring his fangs as his rage started to cloud his mind. "Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like I'm worthless, don't look at me like I'm nothing, don't look at me like you can beat me! Don't look at me like that!" Jabra clawed his way to his paws, foam dribbling from his hackles as he snarled at the pirate. "DON'T YOU DARE LOOK AT ME LIKE HIM!"
Luffy responded with a flat look before glancing to the side. "My crewmates are going to be here soon," he stated firmly. "And if they get here while you're still standing, then you'll hurt them." He pinned the wolf-man with a glare. "So, I'm going to finish you off now."
That statement was the final straw. That statement snapped what few vestiges of sanity Jabra had left in his mind. In an instant, his pupils shrank down to pinpricks, he threw his head back and he roared—not howled, roared—his defiance to the heavens.
Luffy knelt down in preparation, every fiber of his being taut and ready to move at the drop of a hat.
With what few vestiges of mind he had left, Jabra dug deep into his subconscious, the deepest, darkest pits of his mind, and called forth a technique that was years in the making. A technique that he'd painstakingly developed alone and in secret, all for the express purpose of defeating one person.
But if it meant that he wouldn't lose in this instance, then he was more than willing to use it right here, right now.
"FANG HOWLING OVER FANG!" Jabra roared out as he shot towards his opponent like a cannonball, spinning into a virtual tornado of fangs and claws that was guaranteed to shred anything and everything that it touched for even a moment.
He struck the parapet like a hurricane, grinding the stone into a fine powder and methodically eradicating it into less than absolutely nothing.
But for all the damage he managed to cause, he still didn't hit Luffy.
The technique soon spun itself out into nothing, leaving Jabra panting on his hands and knees as he fought to stay conscious in the face of his rapidly dwindling reserves of adrenaline. "But… I… that's… how…?" he wheezed breathlessly, snapping his head around in a vain effort to catch sight of Luffy, wherever he was…
Before ultimately freezing on the pipe.
The pipe that Straw Hat Luffy had been carrying when he'd arrived.
The pipe that Straw Hat Luffy had been using to beat him senseless with throughout their fight.
The pipe that was now planted in the very edge of the rooftop, with two hands firmly gripping it and arms stretching off to…
Jabra pushed himself onto his shaky legs and staggered over to the pipe, following the arms back to their source.
His gut dropped into the abyss below the island as he tried and failed to follow the arms down main street, where they disappeared beyond his field of vision… although that particular limit might have been yet another side effect of getting his skull dented by a sonic pipe.
"You've got to be kidding me…" the wolf whimpered.
The universe then proceeded to prove to him that what he was experiencing was all too real.
"GUUUUUM-GUUUUUM…!"
Another effect of his concussion was that Jabra's mind skipped a beat for a second.
As such, while he did manage to cross his arms defensively once again…
"JEEET BALLISTAAAAA!"
"IRON—GRK!"
He was just a second too slow to properly reinforce his person when a pair of rocket-fast sandals slammed into his solar plexus. For the longest two seconds of his life, Jabra felt as though he were being split in half, his body bending around the point of impact.
And then time resumed; physics, cruel mistress that she is, took hold; and all of Luffy's kinetic energy slammed into him at once. Thus, while Luffy came to a dead halt, Jabra was launched backward and at an angle at only a little under Luffy's own prior speed.
Given his arc and velocity, the Wolf-Man would have most likely left a rather impressive dent in the center of the Gates of Justice… were it not for an obstacle standing directly in his flight path.
-o-
For the second time that day, Spandam found himself face-to-face with certain death flying directly towards him, and too paralyzed with shock and horror to move enough to save his own life. Rolling his eyes, Lucci yanked the man out of the ballistic wolf-missile's flight path, saving him by a matter of inches.
SLAM!
Nothing, however, could save Jabra from impacting with the far wall of Spandam's office.
The CP9 agents winced and guarded their faces with their arms in response to the impact, and then proceeded to gape in horror as they lowered them.
Jabra was impressed into the far wall, cracks spreading out from beneath his spread-eagled body.
However, as awe-inspiring as the display was, what truly garnered the agents' attention was the exact state of Jabra's body. His very human body.
Franky broke the silence with a roaring cackle. "Haha, wow, you were right, Spanda! That was impressive! Seriously, I didn't know it was even possible to literally kick the bitch out of a Zoan like that! You learn something new every day! HAHA—hurk!"
He was promptly cut off by Kalifa absentmindedly elbowing him in the side. Any further punishment was held off as Jabra slowly peeled off the wall before falling onto his feet. He was swaying like a drunk sailor at two in the morning, and his still-open eyes were staring at nothing, but he was on his feet.
The wolf-man slowly staggered forward, only just barely managing to keep his feet beneath himself. Thankfully for him, his journey was made short by the aim of his voyage stepping up before him.
Jabra slowly looked up and blearily looked Lucci in the eye. He held his gaze for a moment before slowly raising his finger and jabbing it in his chest.
"Don't… you dare…" he rasped. "Look… at me… like…" And with that, his eyes rolled up in his head and he collapsed to the ground, a pained moan the only sign that he was even alive.
Lucci stared at Jabra's insensate form with total stoic impassivity, as though his ally were nothing more than an insect.
The rest of the agents were nowhere near as subdued.
"Fukuro…" Kaku whispered numbly. "Jabra's power ranking… you're certain—?"
The rotund man swallowed heavily. "Actually… I used week-old power rankings for him, me and Kumadori. W-We're all a little bit stronger than what I said earlier…"
Kalifa slowly raised a trembling hand to try and hold her glasses steady. "Just what the hell did we get ourselves into?" she asked no one in particular.
"Oi."
Cipher Pol No. 9 as a whole stiffened as an increasingly familiar voice filled the room.
"Just for the record," Cross drawled in an uncharacteristically grim tone. "If the mood were a little lighter, I'd probably make a Warriors reference. As it is, though? It would just be in bad taste. Present yourselves, CP9. It's time we finish what you started."
Hattori cocked an eyebrow at his owner. "Cocky little bastard, isn't he?"
Lucci tsked as he spun on his heel and marched to the balcony. "They've earned it."
The leopard man stalked past his dumbstruck comrades, but only made it a few feet before pausing. He then cast a scowl over his shoulder.
"Move."
The rest of Cipher Pol 9 promptly Shaved to his side, while Spandam unwillingly inched his way over to stare at the enemies below.
And indeed, far below CP9, upon the rooftop of the courthouse of the World Government's Judicial Island, every last parapet on the side of the building facing the Tower of Justice that remained intact now had a pair of pirates standing on it, staring up at them with grim-faced determination. By the SBS, their own observations and reports from every Marine who had previously encountered the crew, every one of them was as recognizable to those who stared down at them as if they had already met them in person.
Boss, the monstrous Kung Fu Dugong, flipper resting on the rope-dart coiled at his side and smoke chuffing like a sea train from his scowling maw, and Nefertari Vivi, twin scythes linked by chains in her hands and riding an armored Supersonic Duck, who still managed to look menacing despite his slightly comical form.
A yeti-like man that could only be Tony Tony Chopper in his full-human form, the pink hat and blue nose doing nothing to diminish the effect of his glower, and Sanji, sharp-dressed and blond-haired, his eyes lowered for the moment as he lit a cigarette.
Usopp, their long-nosed sniper, holding a slingshot that more resembled a polearm and staring at his crew's adversaries with only the slightest trace of fear in his eyes and the slightest shake in his knees, and the monstrous Monkey D. Luffy, whose form would be much less intimidating if they hadn't just seen him treat the third-strongest of their number like a punching bag, with he himself looking none the worse for wear.
Roronoa Zoro, green hair, three katanas at his waist and a scowl of determination on his face, and Nami, orange hair and with an odd-looking blue staff in one hand, clouds spouting from it and surrounding her like an aura, and what looked to be a folded scooter on her back.
Conis, the gunner, whose outfit made her look less like an angel and more like… well, like them, with more guns visible on her person than someone her size had any right to carry, and the cloud fox Su perched on her shoulder. And at the leftmost part of the rooftop from their perspective stood Jeremiah Cross, the bazooka-dog Lassoo snarling at his feet and the snail Soundbite on his shoulder. Of all the pirates on the roof, they were the only ones who were smiling in any way or form, but there was no humor in those looks.
The hostages, the chief, and the five assassins all looked down at them, Robin's eyes beginning to overflow with tears. For what felt like an eternity, they only stared, the emotions between them palpable. Then…
"Yoyoi…" Kumadori mused contemplatively. "Do you think if I asked, Cross would give me an autograph?"
There was a moment of silence as the assassins contemplated the statement.
"Chapa… Kumadori… mind leaning down a bit?"
"Eh? But of course. Why?"
"So that I can do this: Solid Beast."
POW!
"YOYOWIE!"
-o-
Six months.
It was kind of… hell, I don't even know what it was. Awe-inspiring? Funny? Humbling? Any of them or none? Doesn't matter.
Six months ago, I was a normal guy. Six months ago, I was your average everyday college student, just another face in the crowd whose only real claim to fame was being a mildly successful fanfiction writer on a few sites and forums.
Six months ago… I was nobody.
And then in an instant and in six months alike, all of that changed.
Over the course of the past six months, I'd sailed up the side of a mountain. Over the past six months, I'd ridden a Tyrannosaurus Rex, I'd charged headfirst into a warzone, I'd defied the world, I'd sailed into the sky, I'd spit in the face of God himself…
And now.
And now, I thought to myself as I glanced down into the roaring abyss below, now I was at the edge of Enies Lobby.
Now I was standing side-by-side with my friends in one of the most iconic moments in the history of anime and manga.
Now… I was ready to face the world head-on, to die facing the world, all for the sake of a friend.
"We've come a long way, huh, little buddy?" I whispered as I stared up at the Tower of Justice.
"Don't go getting all sappy on me yet," Soundbite chuckled. "AFTER ALL, we've still got so far to go."
"Damn straight…" I nodded in agreement.
"ROOOBIIIN!"
We both promptly snapped our jaws shut when Luffy shouted up at our wayward crewmate, relying on his own volume and entirely unaided by Soundbite.
"IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DIE FOR US!" our captain continued. "THEN SAY IT TO US HERE AND NOW!"
Even from this distance, it was a simple task to catch sight of Robin hesitating where she stood, to see just how tightly she was biting her lip in a desperate attempt to stay silent. It was easy to see just how furiously she was fighting against herself. It was hard to know which part of her would win the fight.
"CP9!"
But the world would never know, on account of Spandam cutting in at that moment in what was clearly a desperate attempt to regain control of the situation.
"A-As director of this unit, you have my full permission to take those pirates down, eliminate them utterly, but do it from here! From the Tower of Justice! A-After all, it's not like they have any way to get over here," he continued, reassuring himself as much as he was gloating.
It must have worked, seeing as he grinned maniacally and stepped onto the balustrade a moment later. "WAHAHAHAHAHA! Stupid pirates! No matter how strong you are, you'll never be able to win! CP9 still stands strong to stop you! The Gates of Justice are beyond any human's power to move! And most of all…" He reached into his coat, and produced that thing, causing my hair to stand on end. "I have the authority to use this Golden Transponder Snail to unleash a Buster Call!"
"A Golden Transponder Snail?!" Soundbite yelped, shrinking back in terror.
"Soundbite?" I glanced at him in confusion. "What's wrong?"
The baby snail shivered as he half-hid in his shell. "I SERIOUSLY hope you weren't BANKING ON ME BLOCKING THAT THING, CROSS! GOLDEN TRANSPONDER SNAILS… they're practically boogeymen, creatures of selective breeding whose connections with their silver counterparts are renowned for being SACROSANCT! THEIR BROADCAST IS UTTERLY INVIOLABLE!"
"That's right," Spandam gloated menacingly. "Once I push this button, nothing you or anyone does will be able to stop the results! Just like it was 20 years ago, I will unleash the power that wiped out your homeland, Nico Robin!" He spun around to laugh in Robin's face. "Just like before, when Ohara was utterly wiped from the maps of the world!"
"One snail caused that much destruction?" Conis breathed in horror.
"I'd make a quip about package sizes, but this doesn't seem like the right time…" Su mused.
"That shitty leatherface, tormenting Robin-chwan like that," Sanji growled.
"You damn…" Robin bit out painfully, fighting even harder against herself.
"WAHAHA! Oh, look at that reaction!" Spandam cackled malevolently. I could feel my blood freeze as the bastard's finger hovered above the button of the snail. "Maybe I should do it now? Maybe I should call the full force of the World Government?"
"You—! Do you even know what will happen if you press that button?!" Robin demanded desperately.
"Of course I do," Spandam purred. "The chances of all of these pirates making it out of here alive will drop to zero! What… did you have something else in mind?"
"IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE! STOP IT!" she screamed furiously.
"Oh?" Spandam asked with a leer. "You giving me orders? You're being rather cocky, aren't you."
Boss all but bit through his cigar as he glared up at the enemy. "Cross… when you talked about putting the hurt on this bastard? You were lowballing."
"What can I say?" I ground out. "Reality tends to exceed expectations."
"You said that Ohara disappeared from the map…" Robin stated desperately, sounding on the edge of tears. "But can you see humans on a map? No… No, the only way you could be so cruel is if you look at the world like that, like it was a statistic! You can't use it… not that…" She trailed off in a pleading whisper as she collapsed to her knees, the ghosts of her past obviously weighing her down.
One glance at Soundbite was all I needed to get my message across. "Robin," I muttered.
I heard her pained gasp, and slowly but surely she climbed to her feet and looked down at me. I winced miserably at seeing her so… so broken, but nevertheless, I hovered my hand over my bag, and I could tell from the way she jerked that she'd processed the implication.
"If you're so sure that you're going to die anyway…" I breathed desperately. "Then at least die like a Straw Hat. At least go down kicking and screaming the whole way, and give them nothing short of hell."
Robin's hesitation slowly faded even as she warred with herself until finally, she looked at Spandam with a heart-wrenching combination of despair and determination. "Let me tell you… of the Buster Call. Let me tell you what the World Government is capable of…"
And so, at long last, she told the story of Ohara.
Spandam made no attempt to stop her, apparently relishing in her agony as she recited the tale. CP9, meanwhile, stood by impassively. Though if I wasn't hallucinating, some of them seemed visibly uncomfortable with what they were hearing. As for Franky, he was clearly on the verge of bawling his eyes out, but the sheer horror of what he heard was keeping that decidedly moment-killing reaction at bay. That, or Soundbite had had the good sense to mute him.
And it was clear that CP9 either hadn't found out about my little trick with the SBS, or they simply chose not to remind Spandam of it. But I knew, and so did Robin, and so did the rest of the crew, that the entire world was now learning the truth that the World Government had tried so hard to cover up. It was only the look on her face that kept me from grinning maliciously; I could only imagine how everyone outside of Enies Lobby was reacting…
-o-
"Mayor Iceburg, the ship is ready—Ah…" The Galley-La employee stopped moments after entering his foreman's office, dumbstruck by the scene he was met with. Understandable, since it wasn't every day that you walked in on the strongest man in all of Water 7 leaning against his desk as he watched a small fire burn in his wastebasket, of all places. "Uh… sir? What's going on?"
Iceburg glanced at his employee with a vague amount of interest. "You're… ah… damn, I always forget your name."
"Everyone always does, sir, I'm practically invisible. But I'm fine with everyone always calling me 'that One Colts Guy.' Ya know, because of…" He gestured at the blue horseshoe emblazoned on his baseball cap.
"Ah, right, right…" Iceburg sighed as he looked back at the fire. "…Do you know why I allowed Galley-La and Water 7 as a whole to accept contracts from the World Government?"
"Ah…" The Colts Guy hesitated in confusion. "I… can't say that I do, sir."
Iceburg hung his head with a sigh. "Because back when I was still an apprentice, I experienced what could and would happen if Water 7 was an enemy of the World Government when I witnessed Tom's fate. I established myself as a reasonable authority figure, and aimed to endear our company and island to the World Government, to ensure that we were never hurt again."
His eyes and grip tightened grimly. "But in recent days, I've been forced to reconsider that course of action. If the World Government had no qualms about unleashing something like that on this island for the sake of their own agenda… If we're no safer as their allies… then I'm making a decision that I should have made upon the first SBS broadcast."
The Colts Guy took a second to process what he was hearing before sucking in a breath as he snapped his eyes to the wastebasket. More specifically, to the papers burning within. "Sir…" he started uneasily. "Are those documents… what I think they are?"
Iceburg smirked slightly in response before pushing off from his desk and walking past the shipwright. "I'm heading out. While I'm gone, spread the word to the rest of the companies on the island that as of this moment, all contracts between Galley-La and the World Government have been rendered null and void, and that henceforth we will refuse service to all those affiliated with them, without exceptions. Do I make myself clear?"
The shipwright stared numbly at his boss for a second before grinning ecstatically and snapping out a salute. "Sir, yes, sir."
"That's what I like to hear."
-o-
From the moment that Cross had announced who their mystery crewmate was, the royal throne room's inhabitants had had every aspect of their attention locked onto the SBS. King Cobra, Igaram, Chaka, Pell, Kohza, and the Supersonic Duck Squadron were all at a loss to why Luffy and his crew would have allowed Crocodile's right-hand woman on the same crew as Vivi and Carue. It was only the events in the royal tomb that made Cobra restrain his comrades from calling into the SBS and demanding to know what they were thinking.
They now had the answer to that question. All of those in the room knew Cross' secret, and so they knew that he had already known all of what Nico Robin was saying at the time she joined them. Cobra eventually broke the silence with a quiet statement.
"I believe that we have no reason to hold a grudge against Nico Robin, nor to protest her stay with the Straw Hat Pirates." The king cast a firm look around the room. "Do any of you disagree?"
Everyone to a man—and duck—shook their heads solemnly.
-o-
Half of the ships that half of MI5 were half-dead trying to clean were halfway done, while the other half were halfway back into the water. Half of the soldiers had stopped their work as the half-trembling voice of one of their half-allies—oh, forget it. The entirety of MI5 was spellbound by the macabre tale being spun.
Smoker and Hina were steadily burning down their cancer sticks in grim silence, while lingering doubts in any of the minds of their gathered men withered away to nothing.
For the longest time, none of the Marines dared even moved.
Then, a blue-haired swordswoman leaped down from the scaffolding she'd been standing on and started stalking towards the coastline, steadily stripping off her uniform as she went.
"And just where do you think you're going, Officer Tashigi?" Smoker asked as he noticed.
"I'm going to swim out, find the biggest Sea King I can possibly locate, and kill it dead, sir," she replied in a tone that was all but dead, save for the frigid fury it sported.
Smoker and Hina glanced at one another in surprise before Hina slowly shifted her sunglasses onto her forehead. "And… why are you looking to do that, Lieutenant?" she asked hesitantly.
"Because I'm pissed at what I'm hearing, ma'am," Tashigi responded without pause. However, she then stopped dead a few feet later. "I'm sorry ma'am, that was a lie. That's not why I'm pissed."
An uncomfortable silence hung in the air until Smoker cleared his throat. "Care to elaborate, Lieutenant?"
Tashigi's hand slowly started to strangle Shigure's hilt. "…If I'd heard what I'm hearing now four months ago, I would have been horrified. I would have vomited, or not believed it or… or something. I… I would have felt something. But now… after all I've learned, after all I've seen… hearing this… I'm not disgusted anymore. I don't have it in me to be disgusted anymore. I can't vomit in disgust, I can't reel in horror…"
Tashigi jerked her head to the side so that she could throw a scathing glare over her shoulder. "I am apoplectic because I can't feel anything else. The World Government has successfully jaded me. Not even pirates or criminals, but the World Government, who I swore to protect and serve with my life, and that…" Tashigi snapped her gaze forward again, but it was easy to see the spots of moisture starting to appear on the sand at her feet. "That enrages me to the point where I need to physically hurt something, or else I think that I am going to literally lose my mind."
Smoker was silent for a moment before nodding his head. "Do what you feel you need to, Lieutenant."
Tashigi bared her Shigure's blade in response. "Thank you, sir." And with that, she strode into the surf and was soon out of sight.
Hina blinked after her in dumbstruck awe for a moment before coughing heavily. She then glanced to the side, where Smoker was literally fuming as he burned his cigars down to ashes. "And just why are you so furious?" she asked, before pausing and jerking her head at the Transponder Snail between them. "Besides the obvious reason, I mean."
Smoker snarled viciously as he all but chewed clean through his cigars. "She just disobeyed my orders," he ground out.
"Ah… Hina is confused. Do you mean the boat cleaning, because Hina thinks that that can be—!"
"The day she became my subordinate," Smoker interrupted with a low growl. "She did something I'd never seen anyone do before. I'd had countless Marines join my division before her, but when she joined, she was the first to stand there, wearing her uniform and carrying everything she owned in the world on her back… and greet me with a smile." The Commodore took his cigars out of his mouth and huffed out more smoke than humanly possible. "When I saw that smile… I gave her an order. One I'd hoped she would follow unto her dying days."
Hina eyed her comrade warily. "And… that order was?"
Smoker growled furiously as he ground his cigars down in the sand.
"To never let herself become like me."
-o-
The thought that she had gotten more exercise in the last three months than she had for any considerable amount of time in the decade prior to then was whispering in the corner of the old woman's mind as she purposefully strode through the halls of Marineford.
However, the vast majority of her mind was focused on pure, incensed fury, aimed at one very specific person. And as she finally broke out of her Shaving, she found herself back in the devastated remains of the Fleet Admiral's office, nobody present aside from the Fleet Admiral himself. Even Gruffy had relocated for his own good; the only other living being present was the snoozing Transponder Snail. Sengoku had ceased listening to the SBS after his call to Spandam for the sake of his blood pressure, which was reaching dangerously high levels. Of course, the same could not be said for anyone else in Marineford, which brings us to the following interrogation:
"What. Is. The meaning. Of this?" Vice Admiral Tsuru demanded coldly.
"Rest assured, I'll be on the warships once they're ready to depart," Sengoku said dismissively, not looking up from the paperwork he was filling out. "I'm just taking the time to request that the materials for rebuilding the tower are stronger. Honestly, if today is any indication—"
CRACK!
The Fleet Admiral reeled back in shock when his desk was suddenly split by a cane ramming into its top.
"I couldn't be made to give a damn about your blasted paperwork at gunpoint, Sengoku," Tsuru spat acridly. "No… what I am asking—demanding—is that you tell me why."
"What are you—!?" Sengoku started in confusion.
"The SBS, Sengoku. You should have kept listening; Nico Robin is currently in the middle of blowing the whistle on what happened 20 years ago for the entire world to hear. And though I'm seriously wondering why that subhuman degenerate Spandam hasn't been fired yet, there's one much more glaring question that I expect you to answer: why the hell has that rabid mutt you call an 'Admiral' managed to get away with exterminating an entire island's worth of civilians, as well as several dozen innocent Marines, with absolutely no blowback for the last twenty years!?" Tsuru roared. "And don't!" She snapped a finger up when Sengoku started to open his mouth. "You dare give me that tripe about 'archaeologists' on board, because we both know that that is nothing short of a load of utter bilge."
Sengoku tensed furiously as he processed her words. "What did you just say?"
Tsuru scowled viciously as she withdrew a binder from her coat and waved it at him. "Sounds familiar, doesn't it? I must say, the entire report on Operation Tabula Rasa is quite the read."
"YOU RAIDED MY PERSONAL QUARTERS!?" Sengoku roared as he shot to his feet.
"I HAD TO KNOW THE TRUTH!" Tsuru bellowed back. "The whole truth, the honest truth, not that redaction-laden mockery you had the gall to call a report! Oh, sure, for years I've accepted Buster Call reports being redacted to the point of illegibility as a matter of fact, but now I am fully aware that that was a gross mistake!" She punctuated the point by slamming the binder on the desk. "What the hell were you thinking, Sengoku!? I've always known that Akainu has been a liability on the best of days, several of our best are, but genocide?! Before today I'd never have thought there to be a grain of truth to Cross' words, but now—!"
"ENOUGH!"
Tsuru choked fearfully, shrinking back as she was simultaneously assaulted by a wave of pure presence and blinded by a blast of golden light.
"I NEVER EXPECTED SUCH INSOLENCE FROM YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE. BUT AS IT'S COME TO THIS, ALLOW ME TO MAKE OUR POSITIONS CLEAR," Sengoku steamed murderously. "OVER THE YEARS, I HAVE HAD TO MAKE COUNTLESS DECISIONS OF QUESTIONABLE MORALITY BECAUSE AS YOU HAVE SO CLEARLY FAILED TO NOTICE, I AM SINGLE-HANDEDLY LEADING THE WAR AGAINST THIS ERA OF PIRACY. NOBODY ASIDE FROM COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF KONG HAS ANY IDEA OF THE BURDEN OF THIS POSITION. NOT YOU, NOT THE REST OF THE NAVY, AND CERTAINLY NOT THAT LOWLIFE, RECKLESS, LOUD-MOUTHED PIRATE!" Sengoku stabbed his finger at the snoozing Snail on his desk.
The Fleet Admiral then leaned forward and loomed menacingly over his subordinate. "I MIGHT DESPISE HIM AND HIS METHODS, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT WE NEED SOLDIERS LIKE SAKAZUKI TO MAINTAIN ANY HOPE OF KEEPING THE WORLD IN BALANCE AND KEEPING THE NAVY STRONGER THAN THE EVER-INCREASING POPULATION OF PIRATES. JUSTICE CANNOT ALWAYS BE AS SIMPLE AS WE WISH IT WOULD BE; IF ONE HUNDRED MUST DIE IN ORDER TO SAVE ONE THOUSAND, THEN I WILL KILL THOSE HUNDRED MYSELF, AND I EXPECT YOU TO DO THE SAME WITHOUT HESITATION! AS YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER, I EXPECT NOTHING LESS THAN COMPLETE COMPLIANCE AND ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT I DEEM BEST, AND YOU WILL REFRAIN FROM SHARING YOUR OPINION UNLESS I EXPRESSLY REQUEST IT! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, VICE ADMIRAL TSURU?"
Tsuru cowered slightly beneath her superior's wrath for another moment. Then, slowly and with defiance beginning to emanate from her entire form, she straightened, and Aokiji himself could not have had a more frigid expression or tone than she did as she replied. "Crystal, Fleet Admiral Sengoku."
With that, the Fleet Admiral reverted to his normal state, an expression more of frustration than anything else on his face as he resumed his paperwork. "Is there anything further?" he snapped dismissively.
Tsuru twitched visibly for a moment before snapping her head to the side with a snort. "Oh, simply that I'm far from the only Marine on base that's agitated from recent revelations."
Sengoku interrupted his writing by smashing his fist into his desk with a snarl. "I could not be made to care about that at the moment, Vice Admiral," he bit out with a glare.
Not one second later, the tower was shaken by a tremor.
Sengoku twitched viciously… again. "I swear that I am going to rip Garp's—!"
"Oh, that wasn't Garp," Tsuru corrected as she casually inspected her fingernails. "Unless I miss my guess? Those were the other dissenters."
That drew a look of honest surprise from the Enlightened Human. "Wha—?"
"HONORLESS BASTARD!"
"GWAH!"
CRASH!
Sengoku spun around in his seat and stared out of where the wall to his office had been in confusion as a titanic roar of outrage shook the whole of Marineford. This confusion was only compounded when he caught sight of Vice Admiral John Giant being tackled onto one of the readied warships in Marineford's bay by Vice Admiral Ronse of all people, followed by the helmeted giant proceeding to beat the daylights out of his fellow titan. And as if that weren't bad enough, the two were then followed by fifteen other Giant Marines following them, all brawling either with themselves or with a number of Vice Admirals who were trying to subdue them and all throwing the lovingly assembled warships into nothing short of utter disarray.
"What the hell is going on!?" Sengoku demanded in shock.
"In case you were unaware," Tsuru drawled as she continued to inspect her nails. "Ex-Vice Admiral Jaguar D. Saul was particularly popular with his fellow giants, and those that were once pirates were already agitated from learning what we told their old allies Oimo and Kashi. They might have managed to hold their tongues… had John Giant not decided to share his opinion on how Saul earned his fate due to being a traitor. That got him placed on a rather short list."
She gave Sengoku a chilling look. "Put simply, they've formed a lynch mob. They want John Giant dead for his disrespect, they want Aokiji dead for freezing Saul, they want Akainu dead for bombarding him, they want you dead for being in charge… basically, they want blood."
"You have got to be kidding me…" Sengoku moaned as dragged a hand down his face.
"Hardly. And for the record, this—" She jerked her head at the brawl in the bay. "Is only the tip of the iceberg. All of the giants stationed on Marineford are either in the throes of mutiny or trying to suppress it, though the latter are, quite frankly, in the vast minority. Honestly, it's hard to say what has them more infuriated, that we killed Saul or that we've been hunting his ward, Nico Robin, for the past twenty years. In case you've forgotten, even those giants who weren't born and raised on Elbaf are rather big on honor." Her tone could not have been drier if Crocodile was holding her vocal cords.
Sengoku was twitching enough that he may as well have been having a seizure. Tsuru waited for a moment more before speaking again, albeit grudgingly. "Your orders, sir?"
The Fleet Admiral glanced at her for a moment before turning a murderous glare on the brawl below. "Inform Admiral Aokiji that he will not be joining us at Enies. Rather, he will be occupied with suppressing this mutiny, effective immediately."
Tsuru cocked an eyebrow in a decidedly unimpressed manner. "So, basically, your solution to solving a problem that began with a frozen giant… is with more frozen giants. Yes, because that will go over splendidly."
Sengoku shot an unreadable look at his subordinate. "You have your orders, Vice Admiral."
Tsuru scowled as she snapped him a supremely stiff salute. "At once, Fleet Admiral."
And with that, Tsuru spun on her heel and marched out of the office, slamming what little of the door was left behind her.
Unnoticed by either of the Marines, one of the last surviving pictures on the office's wall was jarred loose by the impact and smashed to the ground.
The picture held within depicted a trio of young Marines—actually, not even proper Marines, but graduates—celebrating and smiling joyously as they toasted their mugs with one another.
A crack ran through the glass of the frame, cleanly separating the female of the trio from the afro-touting friend whose shoulders she'd slung her arm around.
-o-
"…Do you understand now?" Robin pleaded desperately as she finished. "If you use a Buster Call, everything on this island will be destroyed…" She stared down at us tearfully. "Including all of you."
Her words were addressed as much to Spandam and CP9 as they were to us. Going by the despair in her voice, it was clear that she was pleading for us to run. She was begging for us to leave her to the wolves and save ourselves so that we wouldn't die in vain trying to save it. So that she wouldn't have to see us die.
I ground my teeth furiously in an effort to keep silent, an entirely new kind of fire raging within my gut.
We, however, officially did not give a damn.
To read about it and even see the cataclysm Robin had depicted was one thing, but to hear it… to hear the suffering and sorrow in the voice of one of my closest friends, of one of the strongest women I knew… to hear her tell of the death of an island, of a way of life…
We officially could not walk away from this fight even if we'd wanted to with every fiber of our bodies, hearts, and souls.
And I sure as hell wasn't the only one feeling this way either.
"That son of a bitch…" Soundbite breathed numbly.
"There is no hell deep enough or vile enough in existence…" Lassoo growled through raised hackles.
"An entire… island…" Conis whispered to herself, her expression positively thunderous. "In an instant…"
"I was sorely mistaken," Boss grimaced ferociously as he ashed his cigar. "She doesn't owe me a damn thing. She hasn't owed anyone anything for a long time."
Vivi's face was emotionless as she stared up at the Tower, but the blood dripping from where she was gripping the chains of her weapons said all that needed to be said. "So… this is the legacy my ancestors created…" she whispered to herself before scowling in disgust. "This is the legacy of the world…"
"That's nonsense!" Spandam proclaimed. "There's no way that the Marines would kill their own men, we wouldn't take casualties from our allies!"
"Uh…" Su cocked her head to the side uneasily. "Wasn't he about to—?"
"His father," I growled venomously. "Was the one who called down that damn attack in the first place. Suffice to say that his perspective is somewhat compromised."
Su shivered heavily as she realized that, for the second time in her life, she was in the presence of a madman with the ability and desire to kill us all at the drop of a hat. "Noted."
Meanwhile, Robin continued on, obviously not caring about or even hearing what Spandam was saying. "Do you understand my fear now?" she pleaded desperately. "Do you understand why I'm still trying to save you? The World Government is an absolute force of authority and destruction. No matter how strong you all may be, you can't fight against the world and all of its darkness. If it goes on like this, someday…" She shook her head miserably. "Someday… Someday they will overwhelm you! Someday, they'll crush you, and you'll all die for my sake! And the idea of that happening, of the ones I've been searching for all of my life wasting their lives for my sake, nothing terrifies me more! So if I am destined to die anyway, then at least let me die here of my own volition, so that you all may live!"
Robin's words hit us like an iron rod, briefly managing to quell our rage.
"Robin…" Nami softly breathed.
Vivi shook her head with a grimace. "Damn it, she's making it so hard to stay mad at her…"
"She's been cawwying this fow how wong?" Carue whispered.
"Too long, my friend…" Boss grimly answered. "Too long by half."
Of course, just as soon as our rage was dampened down…
"WAHAHAHAHA! YES, YES THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!"
It was just as suddenly restoked to unparalleled levels.
"I'm going to eat him," Lassoo stated in an unnaturally steady voice. "I have never once in my existence eaten human flesh, but thankfully I'm certain that he doesn't even remotely count."
"GET IN LINE," Soundbite rumbled with honest-to-goodness murder in his voice.
"What a sorry case," Spandam gloated in Robin's face, even though she didn't so much as acknowledge him. "Even if you make friends, all you can do is drag them through the muck with you. WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT'S SO PERFECT!"
"Permission to shoot him?" Usopp and Conis snarled in unison as they grabbed their weapons.
"Give him a second…" I warned them as I raised my hand placatingly, only barely managing to suppress the murder in my own voice.
"But—!" Conis began to protest before Luffy silenced any objections.
"Do what Cross says, you guys," our captain stated in probably the calmest voice I'd ever heard from him. It was actually kind of scary.
"BEHOLD, YOU SCUM OF THE SEAS!" Spandam cackled as he jabbed his finger upwards, drawing our attention to an object whose form was very well known in both this world and mine, though for extremely different reasons. "THAT FLAG BEARS THE EMBLEM OF THE WORLD GOVERNMENT! IT SIGNIFIES THE UNITED STRENGTH OF OVER 170 NATIONS ACROSS THE WORLD! ACROSS THE FOUR SEAS AND THE GRAND LINE, THAT SYMBOL REPRESENTS THE WORLD ITSELF!"
Spandam flung his arm out. "DO YOU REALIZE NOW THE SCALE YOU'RE FIGHTING ON! DO YOU REALIZE HOW PATHETIC YOUR EXISTENCE IS!? THE POWER OF THIS WOMAN'S ENEMY!?"
Silence reigned supreme as every last one of us observed the flag, as we took in its form and everything that it implied.
Until finally…
"Yeah," Luffy nodded solemnly. "I understand exactly who Robin's enemy is."
Luffy then lowered his head and glanced to his left… and then to his right.
"Everyone."
I felt an unparalleled thrill run through me as I snapped an ecstatic grin to Luffy. "Yes, Captain?" I whispered reverently. Was he going to do it? Did he actually mean what I think he meant!?
Luffy looked back up at the flag without a trace of emotion.
"Shoot down that flag."
HALLELUJAH.
"HELL YES!" I cackled ecstatically as I grabbed Lassoo and took a knee, aiming him straight at the symbol of our enemy. "CANI-BLAST!"
"YES, SIR!" Lassoo barked with a salute before going full-gun and clicking loudly.
"This is gonna be E~PI~C!" Soundbite sang rapturously.
"Burn Bazooka," Conis announced frigidly, swinging her own cannon off her back and aiming it upwards.
"Give 'em hell, girlfriend!" Su yelped as she glared up at the tower from Conis' shoulders.
"I've stood on the sidelines until now. Never again!" Nami snarled as she spun her Clima-Tact at her side, coalescing her clouds into a writhing, lightning-drowned tail. "Lightning Bolt Tempo!"
"Three Sword Style," Zoro intoned around Wado Ichimonji as he tied his bandanna around his head before drawing his secondary and tertiary blades and drawing them back into position. "108 Caliber Phoenix!"
"Behold the awesome power of the giant slingshot Kabuto!" Usopp bellowed confidently as he drew said slingshot's pouch back. "Special Attack: Firebird Star!"
"My first use of this technique, and it couldn't be a more momentous occasion," Sanji snarled as he hefted his leg up and drew it back. "You'll pay a thousand years of hell for every hair you hurt on dear Robin-chwan's head! The first course in your punishment, a rehash of your Tempest Kick! APÉRITIF!"
"A moment such as this," Chopper rumbled as he withdrew a single vial of very mobile and highly volatile-looking liquid from his backpack. "Deserves something special for it! TREMBLE BEFORE THE MIGHT OF MY LATEST CREATION! CHERRY BLOSSOM BLAST BLIZZARD!"
"Uh…?" Vivi glanced at her Cutters hesitantly for a moment before shooting a hopeful look at Carue. "Any ideas?"
"Ah… 'Go team'?" Carue answered, half-heartedly pumping a wing.
"Damn. Well, at least you know how I feel, right, Boss?"
"Half-Shell Style," Boss intoned as he slammed his rope-dart into the roof and withdrew it with a goodly chunk of stone attached to the end, which he then began spinning into a blur. "Flying Fish Fastball Special!"
"OH, COME ON!"
Spandam blinked incoherently for a moment before his jaw dropped and every drop of blood escaped his face. "Wait… what are you—! No… nonononononoNO, DON'T EVEN—!"
Too late.
There was no signal, no words, nothing. None were needed. As one we moved.
"ROCK BOTTOM BLAZE OF GLORY!"
And as one, we unloaded our attacks on the symbol of Robin's enemy. The symbol of our enemy.
On that day, we the Straw Hat Pirates did not burn the flag of the World Government.
Rather… we disintegrated it, completely and utterly.
-o-
Never before had the sum volume in the Revolutionaries' Central Command in Baltigo risen above a few scarce decibels at a time.
Then again… never before had someone stuck it to the World Government in such an utterly glorious manner that had Dragon out and out cackling.
"SHISHISHISHISHI!" Monkey D. Dragon led his comrades in revolution in cheering. "EXCELLENT, LUFFY! SHOW THE WORLD YOUR WILL! SHOW THE WORLD YOUR DETERMINATION! PROVE YOUR AUTONOMY! SHISHISHISHI!"
"THAT'S MY BROTHER, DAMN IT!" Chief of Staff Sabo whooped from atop the table he was perched on as he jabbed his finger at the only active Snail in the room. "THAT'S MY CRAZIER-THAN-HELL BABY BROTHER! GIVE 'EM HELL, LUFFY! GIVE 'EM HELL!"
"CHEERS FOR THE MOST EARTHSHAKING CREW SINCE ROGER!" Koala laughed as she toasted a bottle of liquor she'd pulled from somewhere. "TO MONKEY D. LUFFY! TO JEREMIAH CROSS, BASTARD THAT HE IS! TO NICO ROBIN! TO THE STRAW HAT PIRATES!"
"KANPAI!" the facility bellowed as one.
-o-
In complete and utter contrast, the throne room of Amazon Lily was silent as the grave, the jaws of almost every last person in the room touching the floor.
"Did… Did that just happen?" Marigold whispered in complete and utter disbelief.
"He… but they… how… wha…?" Sandersonia stammered, her brain misfiring furiously.
Through it all, Boa Hancock's newly acquired apprentice looked around in confusion. "Ah… Elder Nyon?" Marguerite leaned down to whisper to the old woman. "I take it that what we just heard was… significant?"
Elder Nyon swallowed heavily before shooting a wide-eyed look at the young woman. "Try…" she croaked. "Utterly… unprecedented. Nobody in recorded history has dared commit the act that these pirates just did. Only one thing's for certain now—!"
"Snrkt!"
The elder was cut off by a loud snort rippling through the throne room, causing everyone to look around in confusion for the source.
"Snrkght!"
At least, until a second snort rang out, confirming the source to be the world-renowned Pirate Empress herself, who was doubled over and shaking in the coils of her very confused partner.
The room's occupants exchanged uneasy glances until Nyon jerked her head at the Empress, prompting the other two Gorgons in the room to speak up.
"Ah… sister?" Marigold started warily.
"Are…" Sandersonia slowly inched forward. "Are you… alright?"
"SNAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The room froze once anew, only this time it was on account of Boa Hancock flinging her head back and shrieking with laughter, laughing and laughing harder and louder than any on Amazon Lily had ever heard her laugh before.
Hell, it was the first time half the room's occupants had ever heard her laugh, full stop.
After about a minute of the laughing, Nyon managed to gather the wits she needed to swallow heavily. "Only one thing's for certain now," she repeated in a numb whisper. "Nothing will ever be the same…"
If anything, those words only made Hancock howl louder.
-o-
In twin flashes of underdeveloped-but-still-passable Shave, Master Chief Petty Officer Coby and Chief Petty Officer Helmeppo appeared in the ruins of Fleet Admiral Sengoku's office, standing at attention.
"Fleet Admiral Sengoku, sir!" Coby led Helmeppo in snapping up salutes. "We are here to inform you that the vanguard is ready to move out! They only await… your… presence…" Coby wound down uncomfortably, the steam leaving him as he processed the scene before him.
Specifically, Fleet Admiral Sengoku staring at the Transponder Snail on his desk with rapidly mounting fury.
"Oh, what the hell did those idiots do now!?" Helmeppo whimpered miserably.
"I don't know, but we need to—!" Coby started to order.
He was too late, however, as Sengoku erupted in a blaze of golden fury a second later.
"I'M GOING TO CRUSH THEM LIKE—grk!"
Without warning, the blaze ended as abruptly as it started, leaving Sengoku standing in his normal form with a pained expression on his face, and a hand clamped over his chest.
A second later, he collapsed to the floor without so much as a sound.
The two low-rank rookies gaped at his prone body in shock.
"Did… Did that just happen?" Coby whispered incredulously.
His words snapped sense back into Helmeppo, prompting him to dash out of the office, bellowing at the top of his lungs. "MEDIC!"
-o-
"That…" I breathed euphorically as I stood back up and settled Lassoo in his harness so that he could rest. "Was even better… than I could have ever. Possibly. Imagined."
"Daaaamn skippy…" Soundbite breathed in awe.
"You… You… YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Spandam roared incredulously. "YOU CAN'T SERIOUSLY CHALLENGE THE ENTIRE WORLD AND EXPECT TO WIN!"
"YEAH?! BRING IT OOOOOOON!" Luffy bellowed back, causing Spandam to recoil with a scream of fear. He then went on to glare at Robin herself, looking her dead in the eye. "ROOOBIIIN! I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD YOU SAY IT YET!" He clenched his eyes shut as he roared. "TELL ME THAT YOU WANT TO LIVE!"
That snapped me back to the present, and I promptly snapped in Soundbite's face before pointing at our shellshocked crewmate. "Come on, Robin, come on!" I whispered desperately into her ears, pumping as much emotion into my voice as I could. "You just saw it, didn't you? You just saw the beast bleed! I know it's huge and I know that it's scary…" I shook my head desperately as I flung my arm out. "But damn it, if it bleeds, then we can kill it! Together!"
"JUST DON'T BE AN IDIOT, DAMN IT!"
I snapped my eyes to my shoulder in shock. "Soundbite?"
The baby snail was panting heavily as it grit its teeth. "That is not dead which can eternal lie," he recited fervently. "And with strange aeons even death may die! Lovecraft, Robin! YOU KNOW THIS! IT TAKES TIME, longer than any of our lifetimes, BUT THE FACT IS THAT THE WHEEL WILL ALWAYS TURN! NOTHING IS FOREVER! They are not forever! You know this to be a fact, more so than anyone! You have to fight, damn it! FIGHT!"
Slowly but surely, Robin's tears fell. She bit her lip as she sobbed, as her emotions raged within her…
And then suddenly, out of the blue, a staticky sound filled the air. I snapped a look at Soundbite, and only the glazed, unfocused look in his eyes and vacant expression made me refrain from glaring at him. Still, I opened my mouth to ask what was going on—
"The sea's a vast place."
When my blood suddenly froze in my veins. I didn't even have to strain my ears to hear Robin's gasp, to hear everyone start in shock, and the voice that suddenly filled the air.
"The sea's a vast place," the voice repeated, rumbling with utterly impossible emotions. "So I guarantee… someday you'll find friends who won't ever leave you. No matter who you are, ain't no one born into this world to be alone!"
"Impossible…" I breathed in awe. "Even by the standards of this world… that's…"
"Your friends are right here waiting for you, Robin. All you gotta do is get back to them! Share your life with them… and never let them go!"
The very second the last word shook the world, Soundbite slumped forwards, wheezing in exhaustion. "SO LOUD… SO STRONG… What kind… of voice… was that?" he groaned.
Robin was frozen in shock, tears flowing freely from her eyes, still locked onto Soundbite. And credit to my captain, he knew an opportunity when it smacked him in the face.
"ROBIN!" Luffy roared again. "SAY YOU WANT TO LIVE!"
And just like that, at long last, the dam broke and Robin broke down with it into full-on joyful sobbing. It was messy, loud, and ugly…
…and it was also absolutely beautiful in its complete and undeniable sincerity.
"YES!" she screamed back. "I WANT TO LIVE!"
I shot my fists into the air and roared joyously in response, a sentiment that every last one of my crewmates echoed in some way or another.
"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Robin jerked forwards, her voice hoarse as she screamed at the top of her lungs. "TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE!"
"YOU MORONS JUST LOST!" I cackled triumphantly as I jabbed my finger at the Cipher Pol, and the World Government as a whole.
As if in response to it all, the massive drawbridge below us suddenly roared to life and started lowering, spanning the last possible barrier between her and us.
"THAT'S MY BOYS!" Boss cackled as he pumped his fists in the air.
"BWAAAAAH!" Franky sobbed messily, his expression way less appealing than Robin's. "YOU CRAZY GUYS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO DAMN MU-U-UCH!"
"Finally!" Nami nodded firmly with an impatient grin.
"Hang tight, Robin," Vivi whispered. "We're coming,"
"We're coming for her and for you, you son of a bitch!" Su called up as she jabbed her paw at Spandam.
Spandam, of course, shrieked and reeled back in response. "DON'T COME OVER HEEERE!"
Unfortunately, the universe chose that exact moment to actually listen to the bastard, as at that moment, twin explosions struck the sides of the drawbridge and caused it to freeze at an elevated angle halfway down.
Boss froze in his pose, twitching incredulously for a moment before proceeding to shake his fists at the Courthouse's towers. "YOU INCOMPETENT BRATS! YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO, DAMN IT! ONE! YOU BETTER PRAY THE MARINES KILL YOU FIRST, OR ELSE I'LL DAMN WELL MAKE YOU WISH THEY DID!"
I winced sympathetically at my crewmates' plight before chuckling grimly as I crossed my arms behind my head. "Well, that route's blown. Guess we're doing this the hard way!"
That got everyone leaning forwards for a chance to stare at me in confusion. "The hard way!?" they chorused incredulously.
My grin was Luffy-worthy as I raised my voice. "Ooooh, yeah."
WOOOOOOT!
"The hard way."
Soundbite became snow-white as he slowly rotated his eyestalks downward. "Oh… hell no." Going by how Lassoo was suddenly scrambling on my back, he'd gotten the idea too.
"Puru puru puru—GAGAGA!" Pinkie cackled in Kokoro's voice as I dug him out of my jacket. "HOPE YOU KIDS ARE READY FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIVES! THIS IS THE FINAL VOYAGE OF THE ROCKET MAN, ELDEST CHILD OF TOM'S WORKERS, AND I INTEND TO MAKE IT A GOOD ONE! NAGAGAGA!"
"Ooooh, no…" the smarter members of our crew all whispered in horrified realization.
"He's not serious…" Su shrank back in naked terror. "Someone tell me that he's not serious!"
"Even by my standards, this is totally insane!" Boss shook his head in frantic denial.
"HAHAHAHA!" Franky bellowed as he stamped his feet ecstatically. "HERE THEY COME, SPANDA! THEY'RE COMING, AND YOU CAN'T STOP THEM!"
Spandam froze mid-panic, and snapped a look filled with a whole cornucopia of emotions at the cyborg.
Franky, of course, noticed said look and leered malevolently in his tormentor's face. "What're you gonna do, huh? Hit me?" He jutted his chin out temptingly. "Please, do it, I'm begging you. Give me another reason to laugh in your ugly panda face."
That might have been a bit too far.
You know those stories about adrenaline letting people lift cars?
Well, in this case, it let a Spandam lift a cyborg and fling him into the void.
"He's got the right idea!" I crowed as I pointed at Franky's falling form before sticking my arm out towards Luffy. "Come on, Captain! Let's do it!"
"RIGHT!" Luffy yelled as he snapped his arms out, catching the rest of our very unwilling crewmates in his grasp. His left tangled itself around Boss, who wasn't able to free himself no matter how hard he struggled, while I caught his right and firmly wound it around my own arm.
"Alright…" I grinned as I stared into the void. "In the words of the great Will Turner! 'Over the edge'!"
"NonononoNO!" Soundbite shrieked desperately.
"LET'S GO!" Luffy laughed as he jumped into the abyss.
"'OVER AGAIN'!" I roared back as I jumped along with him, helping him drag our crewmates with us.
"AAAAAAAGH!" Soundbite shrieked around the mouthful of my jacket he'd bitten into.
"YOU TWO ARE DEAD IF WE LIVE THROUGH THIS, YOU HEAR ME!?" Su screamed as she clutched Conis' jacket. "DEAD!"
"GET IN WINE!" Carue squawked, hanging onto Luffy's arm for dear life.
The fall lasted for an eternity...
WOOOOOOOT!
And ended in an instant as the Rocket Man met us halfway, whiplashing us into its body and carrying us over the void.
As we flew towards the gates of the Tower of Justice, I could think of only one appropriate response.
"PFFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!" I laughed at the top of my lungs. "READY OR NOT! HERE! WE! COME!"
An instant later, I received a slight damper to my joy in the form of us hitting a yard-thick wall of stone head-on at what felt like a million miles an hour.
Still… in the long-run?
Totally worth it.
Xomniac AN: …a year. Not exact, no, but… twelve months is twelve months. A full. Damn. Year.
One year since CV and I started this story. One year since Cross woke up on his little island in the middle of nowhere. One year since we started a story that should, by all rights, have died in its cradle…
And look where we are now. Just… look.
There are just… no words.
It's been a long road… it's been worth it…
And you better damn well believe that it's nowhere near finished.
Patient AN: And half a year since I was invited to take part in this masterpiece. It's an honor to be a part of something like this.
Hornet AN: Sadly, since these assholes already took all the good news, I have to deliver the bad. Namely, that while we will strive to maintain our once-every-two-weeks update schedule, do not expect a consistent time/day of updates, and don't be surprised if a chapter takes longer. TPO and Xom are back in school, and I'm now working a full-time job. As much as we'd like otherwise, real-life shit takes precedence.
Oh, and another reason: five days until the NFL season starts! Woo
