Chapter 40

Xomniac AN: I am writing this AN the morning after the posting of Chapter 39… quite simply because I have no other choice but to. The sheer amount of praise we are receiving for Chapter 39 is… nothing short of awe-inspiring. I can literally feel tears in my eyes as I read what everyone has to say. The sheer amount of love and support you are showing for our story, for us, is… I just don't think there are the words. There… there just straight up aren't. So forgive me for using inadequate vocabulary, but… thank you. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. I wish I could say more, I really do.

Patient AN: And a thank you from me to all of you, both for the joy you've given my co-author and the support you've shown to me by proxy. I don't believe I ever had enough self-confidence to consider myself a good writer before I joined the Cross-Brain. Now I can say it happily; after finding the way out of the depression that consumed my heart thirteen years ago, this is the second best thing that's ever happened to me. Thanks to all of you; every positive review and comment is reinforcement that I'm part of something good.

Hornet AN: And we would be remiss if we didn't finish this off by saying thank you to all of you who gave constructive criticism on the story. I'm good, but I can't catch every problem, and I can't think through every implication and consequence, and neither can Patient and Xomniac. That it's been almost always well thought out and accompanied by every sign that you like the story in spite of its flaws only helps. You have made this story better by speaking up. And I'd especially like to make a shoutout to Yog. Your criticism is the most detailed of all, and I'll admit, some of our plot points were cribbed entirely from your posts.

Cross-Brain AN: From we three to all of you who are fans of our work, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

I don't know if it was a credit to half a year of hellish training or my own blood-boiling adrenaline that I managed to struggle out of the rubble that the Rocketman made out of the Tower of Justice's front. It was made particularly hard to tell considering that immediately before I broke out, I heard my captain let out a triumphant roar.

And as I pushed the scattered, jagged stones off of me… well, you can guess by now how I reacted.

"PFFHAHAHA! WOO!" I cheered as I shot out of the wreckage and pumped my fist jubilantly. "That was nothing short of utterly kickass! And fun!" I half-dashed, half-staggered over to my captain and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Right, Luffy?"

The rubber man turned to look at me, and after a moment of his adrenaline and serious-self clashing with his humorous side, he began laughing too. "Shishishi! Yeah, that was totally awesome! First we were—!"

"Yeah yeah, and then everyone was like—!" I picked up eagerly.

"But then we hit it like—!"

"The wall was just—!"

"Exactly!"

"Eesh…" I vaguely heard Franky muttering behind us. "I think I owe Mozu an apology. I guess that 'folly a ducks' thing or whatever isn't just a name for something dirty after all. Though now I wonder how the hell I'm gonna knock these two out of it…"

"Ohhh, don't worry."

Without warning, my headphones were suddenly yanked off of my neck, prompting me to twist around. "HE—!?" My protest died in my throat when I caught sight of not only Nami holding my headphones, but the rest of our crewmates glowering behind her. I was a bit confused as to why they all had their fingers in their ears - at least, until I noticed Soundbite's equally infuriated expression from where he was perched on our navigator's shoulder.

"I have an idea," Nami bit out acridly. She then directed a malevolent grin at my snail. "Oh, Soundbite?"

"Yes, my good friend?" Soundbite sneered back.

I paled in horror and quickly lurched at Nami, scrambling to wrench my earphones back, but she responded by casually holding me at bay with one hand and holding my headgear out of reach with the other.

"I know that you don't normally take orders from me, but I'd like to request a Gastro-Amp… to eleven."

"IT WOULD BE MY HONOR."

I paled as the air suddenly vibrated with an electric whine. "Don't suppose I could get away with an 'I'm sorry'?" I squeaked pitifully.

The demonic glint in Nami's eyes said it all.

"Uh-oh…" Luffy whimpered as he and I both shrank back fearfully.

And with that, Nami proceeded to suck in a deep, deep breath and…

-o-

"You think they're alright after that?" Zambai wondered aloud, continuing to bash Marine after Agent with his bazooka, its ammo exhausted and its effectiveness reduced to that of a club.

"Eh," Raphey shrugged casually as she flipped her way over a Juryman's chain and used his head as a springboard with which to spin through the air. "Odds are that they'll get a little hurt one way or another, that's just the life we live, and probably more than a little angry—angrier, they'll get angry-er," she swiftly corrected when her fellow students shot her a trio of incredulous looks. "But seriously, I don't think it'll be anything significant for them. After all, these asshats stole our comrade." She leered viciously. "Us steamrolling them completely and utterly? Please. That's the predetermined outcome, no two ways about it."

"You pirates can't be serious!" a World Government Agent who was hiding behind a nearby pillar sneered. "You really think that they could have survived plowing into the Tower of Justice at a speed like—?"

Suddenly, acting on a combination of reflex and pure animal instinct, Raphey, the other Dugongs, Yokozuna, and the Watchdogs that had made it to the courthouse all slapped their flippers or paws over their ears. The savvier members of the Franky Family and the Galley-La Foremen had the sense to stall their fighting long enough to follow their example, and not a split-second too soon.

"YOU STUPID, IDIOTIC, MORONIC, INCONSIDERATE NUMBSKULLS OF BRAIN-DEAD NIMRODS NEARLY KILLED US ALL, AND YOU HAVE THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO LAUGH ABOUT IT!? I HOPE THAT WHEN YOU DIE YOU GET TENDERIZED, CHOPPED UP, DRIED OUT, BOILED, EATEN ALIVE AND SHAT OUT BEFORE YOU CAP IT ALL OFF BY ENDING UP FROZEN IN HELL'S BASEMENT AND SHATTERING, YOU SEVEN-TIMES-DAMNED ADRENALINE-HUFFING SUICIDAL BASTARDS!"

The unholy roar was loud enough that the whole of Enies Lobby was thrown off-balance. Or perhaps that was the island actually shaking. Hard to tell, on account of how many were still shivering in terror.

Mikey waited a second as he remained tensed up before glancing nervously in the direction of the Tower. "Nami's piiiiiissed…" he whimpered.

Raphey swallowed heavily as she tugged at the bandanna covering her mouth. "Leo," she mumbled. "If I ever give you shit about you being our leader again, remind me about the moment you saved us from that."

Leo nodded numbly in agreement.

"Alright… with that little assault on our ears out of the way, where were we?" Paulie asked, forcing his eyes open out of the wince he'd adopted when the yelling started.

The sight that met his eyes was nearly every Marine, agent, and Juryman still struggling to recover, and the nearest Marine to him massaging his temples, and looking at him through squinted eyes. "Ergh… any chance that we can take a quick break?" he asked, regretting raising his voice immediately judging by how his rubbing intensified.

"Oh, yeah, now I remember. Sorry, but that's a no."

"Eh—?"

THWACK!

The Marine had just enough time to blink in confusion before Paulie slammed his fist into his face.

And just like that, the brawl was back on.

-o-

"Wow, that was really loud, Granny!" Chimney said as she removed her hands from her ears.

"NAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA!" Kokoro cackled, taking a swig from her bottle. "Ah, brings back memories of some of the boys' more harebrained stunts! The Straw Hats have a good disciplinarian to produce something like that!"

"Mawp… Mawp… Mawp…"

Kokoro glanced down at their pet rabbit, who was sprawled out on the ground, clutching his ears.

"Chimney, be a dear and carry Gonbe for a bit, okay?" the icefish mermaid said, before continuing down the sub-basement corridor they were in. "We're almost there."

The young girl nodded, scooped up her rabbit, and followed after her grandmother. Soon, Kokoro came to a stop in front of a nondescript door, and gave it a hearty shove. It swung open, revealing a room filled with shelf upon shelf of… Alcohol. Bottles upon bottles of wine, sake, whiskey, and gin, all of it high-quality.

"Jackpot," Kokoro whispered rapturously.

-o-

"MAWP… MAWP… MAWP…" I mumbled blearily as I clutched at my ears. Were they bleeding? I think they were bleeding, or was that brainmatter?

"My head's shaking…" Luffy slurred miserably as he lay on his back, his eyes spinning into spirals.

"I don't feel so good…" Soundbite groaned, his tongue hanging out uselessly as he panted in agony. "I OUTDID NAMI'S BEST… BUT I THINK that attack needs to be an ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT."

"As much as that hurt, I like the results," Zoro ground out as he stood over us.

"We're sorry," the rubber man and I moaned in synch.

"Don't let it happen again," Nami said with… exponentially less venom. In fact, she looked positively lighthearted. "But on the other hand, I feel like I should thank you for that; that was a few months' worth of repressed anger."

SMASH!

I squeaked in nervousness as an Eisen fist suddenly shot at me, barely missing my crotch and instead striking the floor. "And that's… out of eight years?"

Nami shrugged as she spun her staff and reeled the cloud back in, forcing it into submission with relative ease. "I think that between this thing doing all the anger for me and turning that secretary into a lightning rod, I should be good for a long time."

"Anyway," Su spoke up, padding over to look down at me. "What are we going to do now? Taking down those assassins and torturing that polished mass of primordial ooze is all well and good, but are we going to do that before or after we save Robin?"

"Chapapa," came a somewhat strained voice from nearby. "Allow me to answer that."

Luffy and I promptly shot to our feet and Su zipped back to Conis as we all snapped our attention to an upper corner of the room, where Fukuro was digging a finger in whatever ears he had, his forewarning apparently having done him little good against Nami's blaring wrath. "You know, I'm really happy that my only role in this whole mess is going to be stopping you from rescuing Nico Robin, because that probably means that you hate me a lot less than the chief and the ones who actually kidnapped her, chapapa," he grumbled acridly.

I took a second to suppress my desire to snort at his voice—because holy shit was it hilarious—before readopting my serious expression.

"Soundbite? This is not the time for playing around," Zoro snarled.

"This is my natural voice, chapa," Fukuro deadpanned.

"…We're so sorry," chorused most of the crew, bowing their heads.

"Why do I feel like not all of you are apologizing for being rude…" he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, we're awkward like that," I said, waving the matter aside before stepping forward and addressing the… rotund man? Eh, close enough. "Anyway… Fukuro, correct? The gossip-loving 'Silent Owl'?"

To his credit, the assassin didn't even blink. "Chapapapa. You never fail to amaze and terrify, Cross."

I blinked in surprise at his nonchalance before recalling exactly what he was like in the story. Now that I thought about it, he was a pretty cool customer, wasn't he? He only lost his composure after going a few rounds with Franky, after all! If so, then maybe… "Yep, and proud of it, too. Anyway, again…" I very casually crossed my arms behind my head. "Seeing as you're a damn well-informed guy, I imagine that you already know that our modus operandi is that we never start a fight. Unless, of course, we're going up against someone who started it first. As you noted earlier, you had jack all to do with Robin's kidnapping, and currently you're only here at the behest of your subhuman Director. As such, I'm prepared to cut a deal with you using what authority I have on the crew: if you step aside now, we won't fight you, plain and simple. Given the circumstances, I think it's a pretty reasonable offer; you saw what happened to Jabra, and you're not even half as strong as he is, so why interfere with us at all?"

Several of the crew exchanged looks of unease and contemplation, but before any of them could speak up, Fukuro answered.

"Because you've severely misjudged the situation," he explained flatly. "Do you really think we're here because of what that weakling says, when obviously the logical answer is to run? No…" Fukuro shook his head sadly. "The only reason I'm not flying away from here as fast as I can Moonwalk is that while you might terrify me, and your crew as a whole might scare the hell out of me…"

And just like that a sheen of cold sweat and a terrified grimace came over his face. "Lucci scares me straight-up shitless, and he told us that if any of us contemplate running for even a second, he'll personally rip us in half," he explained. "Given the fact that I've worked with him from the day I joined CP9 and the fact that he's currently the strongest human being I know, I am completely and utterly inclined to believe him."

"…Yeah, alright, that's a fair point," I winced as I scratched the back of my head. "Well, then, no hard feelings for doing what has to be done. At least we can give you a swift defeat, right?"

"Indee—" Fukuro started to nod in agreement before freezing as my words caught up to him. "Wait, wha—?"

"Luffy, if you wouldn't mind—?"

A wave of steam suddenly swept over me. "GEAR SECOND!"

Credit to Fukuro where it was due, he didn't even wait a second to turn into a blur, albeit while abandoning his moniker in his panic. "CHAPAPAPAPAPA—!"

It was no use, however. The instant he moved, Luffy moved as well and appeared before him, fist stretched behind him.

"JET PISTOL!"

BOOM!

And just like that, we had a Fukuro-shaped crater in the middle of the floor of the Tower of Law, reminiscent both of Jabra's defeat and Bellamy's.

"ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!" Soundbite proclaimed with a cackle.

"Damn straight he does!" I nodded proudly as I snatched Soundbite back from Nami and replaced him on my shoulder.

"Cross, can I please go and kick that stupid pigeon guy's ass now?" Luffy growled as he fell back to the ground, steam dissipating from him as he seamlessly hauled himself back a bit.

"Wait just a minute, Luffy, while I explain the situation," I pleaded, before turning to face the crew as a whole. "Look, if it were as simple as just getting Robin back with us, don't you think she'd already have used her powers to at least try and get away from CP9 by now? The problem here is that she's a captive of the World Government, and there's one World Government protocol concerning Devil Fruit users that's almost immutable."

Vivi slapped a hand to her face with a groan. "Of course… she's wearing sea prism stone handcuffs…"

Every one of the crew that had been trapped in Crocodile's cage immediately growled in frustration. "I'm starting to get damn sick of that mineral always showing up to bite us in the ass," Zoro practically snarled.

"You, me, and every last pirate on the Line without access to it makes three million," I grumbled in agreement. "Anyway… odds are that a government base like this is going to have access to multiple pairs of handcuffs. And given what Fukuro was most likely going to say before we knocked him out, they've probably decided to try stalling us while they take Robin to the Gates of Justice. In order to do that, I'm going to hypothesize that they took every key to the handcuffs that they had in this tower and divided them among the agents here, probably in an attempt to slow us down by forcing us to gather all of the keys before going after Robin. But really, if they want to have the best chance of keeping the key from us, they'd give it to the strongest they could have."

"Which means—!" Luffy jerked forwards eagerly.

"But!" I cut him off with a raised finger. "They'd also need the key in here to keep us stalled here in the tower, and there's no way in hell Spandam is letting Rob Lucci more than a few feet away from him. Logically, this means that they gave the key to the second-strongest fighter CP9 has, who is currently in this building. Now, let's see…" I started knocking my fist against my head. "Fukuro came right to us and admitted to being weak, so there's no need to search him. Jabra and Blueno most likely weren't around long enough to pick up a key, so they're moot, too. Of the three remaining, we have Kaku, Kalifa and Kumadori."

"SO MANY JOKES about white hoods and burning crosses TO BE MADE…" Soundbite sighed wistfully.

"And so little time," I shot back without breaking my pose. "Anyway, considering the importance of the acquisition of Pluton's blueprints, I think that the second-strongest was in the team sent to Water 7, so that rules out Kumadori…" I snapped my fingers victoriously. "But if it were Kalifa, then Nami would never have been able to block her attack back on Water 7, so by process of elimination, it's Kaku who holds the key!"

Several of the crew were giving me quizzical looks, as they knew that I already knew where the key was. Rolling my eyes, I pointed to the bag hanging at my side, within which was held the means through which I was still broadcasting everything we were saying and doing to the entire world, and their looks faded into understanding.

"Sound logic, Cross," Franky said, giving a firm nod. "But if there are only three agents here and Luffy's going to be fighting Lucci, what do you expect the rest of us to do?"

I smirked cockily. "What else? Some of us will fight the agents so that we don't get jumped from behind, and some of us will follow Luffy to retrieve Robin. And the rest of us?" I slammed my fist into my palm. "We're going to act like the godforsaken pirates this world's decided to paint us as and tear this tower apart from top to bottom, looking for and subsequently taking anything of value."

I don't know if Soundbite provided the effect or not, but I distinctly heard a CHA-CHING! from Nami's general direction.

"Right! So," I clapped my hands together, and looked at my shoulder. "Before we move to the division of responsibilities, Soundbite, confirm positions of the enemy."

"Roger roger," the snail replied, concentrating briefly. "MMM… THIRTY STORIES above ground, TEN STORIES BELOW. They didn't spare any expenses. Kaku's on the fifteenth floor… KALIFA'S on the twenty-sixth… AND KUMADORI—URGH, he's SHAVING like mad, but he's somewhere in the TOP FIVE basements."

"And Robin?" Luffy pressed eagerly.

"Yeah yeah, LET ME JUST—WHAT THE FUCK!?"

I jumped in shock at the sudden bout of swearing. "What, what is it? What's wrong?"

Soundbite's eyestalks were darting around in infuriated confusion. "I-I DON'T—! One second I managed to find her, the next SHE WAS GONE!" He shook his head with a scowl. "Also, she was… underwater AND AT THE EDGE OF MY RANGE!? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

"Some of it does," I growled, grinding the heel of my palm into my forehead as I put the pieces together. "There's no visible path from here to the Gates of Justice, and sailing there is impossible thanks to the whirlpools formed by the Gates interfering with the local currents, so underwater is the only place where the passageway between here and there could be. But the only way they'd be able to get there so fast is if—"

"If the pigeon bastard was carrying them while Shaving," Luffy deduced grimly.

"But why—?" I froze as a terrifying thought hit me. "Luffy… did Jabra happen to say why he decided to break ranks and come after you?"

Luffy's already grim expression became even grimmer than before. "Before he beat up the bull guy, he said something about how he'd been wanting to fight me for awhile. Something about the Back Fight, too. I wasn't really listening, though, I was too pissed."

"Yeah, that about figures…" I groaned, shaking my head. "Lucci may be the most composed out of all of CP9, but he and Jabra have the same kind of power: they're Carnivorous Zoans, meaning that their predatory instincts run on overdrive and their bloodlust is through the roof. Jabra just rushed at you because he had less discipline, but Lucci's keeping his head while working towards the same endgame. Odds are that he raced ahead as fast as he could just so he could get to the ideal battleground for fighting you. And in the process…"

I scowled grimly. "He's already cut our time down to a fraction by escorting Robin straight to the doorsteps of the Gate, so we can't waste any more time. Luffy, head straight for the docks and Soundbite will guide you to the secret passage that'll lead you down to the tunnel. From there, it's a straight shot to Lucci. Meanwhile, Vivi, Conis, Franky—!"

"Ah, actually!" Franky cut in with a raised hand. "I used a pretty damn cola-draining move back on the Puffing Tom, so I need to find this place's kitchen and recharge. And also…" He tapped a finger to his forearm. "I need to find some tools. I've been working on a combat upgrade for a while now, and it's almost done. I want to finish it up before I charge into a big-ass fight."

I frowned thoughtfully at the cyborg. "This upgrade any good?"

Franky gave a cocky smirk as he shot out a thumbs-up. "SUPER good, I guarantee it!"

I mulled it over for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, alright, fine. Best you get going now. Soundbite, make sure he stays away from Kumadori, alright?"

"He's fast, but he's also got THE VOICE OF A JUMBOTRON. Shouldn't be too tough."

"Thanks a lot. See you guys later!" Franky nodded before running off.

"Now, as I was saying… Vivi, Conis, Carue, Su, you follow Luffy and pass by to Robin. Give him a few minutes' lead to get Lucci properly occupied before continuing after him. And to that, I add the following: CHOP-CHOP!"

I jabbed my finger in the general direction of Enies Lobby's rear dock, and Luffy took that for the starting signal that it was and charged off with a war cry. Vivi and Conis hastily boarded Carue, who sped ahead to catch up to him. I observed the dust trail for a moment before looking back at the crew. "Zoro, Nami, Chopper, you know your opponents. Get going, and regroup here when you're done."

"Right," they intoned together, and sped off.

"Usopp, I'll be climbing the Tower alongside you, but you'll be heading to the roof. In the likely event that Spandam gets to that bridge before we do, it'll be up to you to make sure Robin stays safe until reinforcements arrive. Your Kabuto is the only weapon on the island capable of reaching its target from that distance. Take full advantage of that, and give them hell."

Usopp's grin was even wider than when Oimo and Kashi had joined our side as he stamped his Kabuto into the ground and struck what I'm sure he thought was a cool pose. "Fear not, for mask or no, I am the King of the Snipers! They'll barely know what hit them!"

"Perfect!" I grinned hesitantly. My reluctance was on account of the flashes of smiling ghosts flitting through my mind, but I dismissed those worries for the future, when we weren't at war with the World. "Anyway, Sanji, Boss, you're with us. This is still a government facility, and there's no telling who else is in this damn place. Kokoro, get Chimney and Gonbe to—"

I fell silent, blinking stupidly as I realized that the trio were nowhere to be seen. For a moment, I wondered where they'd gone and how they'd done that, but…

"You know what?" I said, throwing my hands up in the air. "Forget it, I'm not even going to try dealing with their particular brand of madness, with any luck they'll be where we need them when we need them. For now, everyone else? Just straight-up raise hell. Now…" I slammed my fist into my palm. "Let's do this."

And with that, I and almost everyone else made a beeline for the nearest staircase, noting Nami taking the Waver off of her back and boarding it before she followed. Chopper split off at the start, heading down instead of up, and Nami zoomed ahead of us on her Waver shortly after we got up the first staircase. And Zoro? Who knows where he went after we took our eyes off of him; I trusted he'd find his way to Kaku soon enough, but still…

"Dot dot dot dot! Wow, again AT A TIME LIKE THIS?" Soundbite remarked, drawing me out of my thoughts as we reached the third staircase. "Should we—?"

"Eh, don't see why not. Gimme a sec…" I dug through my bag and tapped the appropriate button.

"OK, YOU'RE LIVE… AAAND Gastro-Blur DONE!" he added, in response to the tapping on the other end.

"Hi, there! It's great that I finally managed to call in! Anyway, I have a question! You keep mentioning 'shaving,' what are you talking about? I mean—!"

-o-

"WHERE ARE YOU, AISA?! YOU GIVE THAT SNAIL BACK RIGHT NOW!"

The young oracle Aisa winced and hastily clammed up as the voice of her pseudo-big sister echoed through the forest, washing over her hiding place in the burrow of one of the higher trees of Upper Yard.

Ever since the Straw Hats had left, she had wanted to call in to talk with them, primarily to give Cross an earful for ruining her chance to join them, but only now had she gotten an opportunity, far away from anyone who could stop her.

Namely Laki, who'd been particularly adamant about the fact that she would only ever be becoming a pirate over her K.O.'d ass, provided that Aisa was the one to actually do the deed. Which was to say, not even close to soon.

Still, for now she'd managed to snatch a stray Transponder Snail while someone wasn't looking and hide herself away in a spot she knew was often patrolled, and thus the last place Laki would look or send someone to look, which led to her current situation. And, in a desire to not push her luck, she had elected to remain anonymous on the call for now.

"Sorry, issues on my end…" Aisa whispered after she was certain Laki had passed. "Anyway, I was gonna ask: are all of those assassin people Zoans or something?"

Almost instantly, the air was filled with raucous, multi-tonal laughter, and more than a little normal snickering to boot.

"Pffhaha, man, now that is a hilarious way of thinking about it!" Cross chuckled. "But, ah, no, it's nothing like that. It's part of these special martial arts they specialize in using. The Shave technique is a way of moving so fast that you seem to have disappeared. It's practically teleportation."

Aisa leaned forward in eager interest. "Really? Wow, that sounds so cool! And you said that it's just one, right? What about the rest?"

"Ah—!" Cross started to say, before cutting himself off and shaking his head. "Ah, yeah… Sorry, loyal viewer, but I don't think it would be a good idea to hand ready-made weapons to the entire world. Secrets are one thing, but this requires more, shall we say, consideration. After all…" Cross then regained his usual smirk. "If I was able to figure out the basics and get my crew on the way to learning them just by hearing about them, then anyone could!"

Aisa pouted for a moment, unable to argue with that point, but quickly brightened when the meaning of the words sunk in. "Yeah, that's fair. But then, you guys are actually learning how to use them?!"

"You're damn right we are! In fact, Sanji's already got one of them, and Usopp is well on his way to figuring out Shave!"

"Really, Tengu-Nose? That's awesome!" Aisa said, rocking back and forth in her sitting position.

"Heh, yeah, well, I don't have it quite figured out yet, so—! Eh? Wait a second…" Usopp's brow furrowed in confusion. "The last person to call me that was—! Wait, are you—!?"

"LOOK OUT!" Soundbite suddenly hollered.

"Eh—WAAAGH!"

"WHAT THE—USOPP!"

Aisa jumped and her eyes widened in response to the sudden SMASH! that erupted on the other end of the line, as well as the following cacophony. She then began shaking the now-nervous snail. "What's going on, you guys? What's happening, what's wro—"

Her words then died a very painful death as a strong, familiar hand gripped her skull, a matching hand moving forward and severing the connection to the SBS a moment later.

"You should be more concerned about yourself, Aisa," Laki crooned, her tone reminiscent of poisoned honey.

"…meep."

-o-

"Usopp, are you alright!?" I called out through the dust. Damn it, he'd been walking right in front of us and had thus been exactly underneath the… whatever it was that had smashed into the floor before us.

"Y-Y-Yeah, I t-t-think so. I-I-I even have some g-g-good news!" Usopp's voice sounded out… behind us?

I turned around and was treated to the sight of Usopp trembling fearfully in Boss's arms, Scooby-Doo style.

"I-I-I finally got the hang of S-S-Shave…" he chattered in terror.

Boss regarded Usopp flatly for a moment before snapping his arms away and letting the sniper drop on his ass.

"That's great, Usopp," the Dugong growled in a tone that was half-annoyed, half-sincere as he uncoiled his rope dart and started to spin it. "But what the heck was that?"

We all stood at ready as the dust cloud settled, before tensing in shock and horror as we caught sight of what, or rather who had come calling.

"…I think I'm flashing back to Krieg's invasion," Sanji whispered as his cigarette slipped out of his slack jaws.

I inched back nervously as I stared up and up and up at the fucking impossible opponent standing before us. "You mean the part where he got up in a berserker rage after Luffy had already won the fight and knocked the living daylights out of him?"

Sanji nodded numbly in agreement. "That's the one."

Jabra chose that moment to throw his head back and howl his fury to the heavens.

For a moment, as I backed away from the thoroughly tenderized wolf-man looking over us, I wondered how the hell someone who'd gone up against a legitimately ticked off Luffy could have possibly still been standing.

Then I noticed that his eyes were blank and bloodshot, he distinctly lacked any semblance of balance, and he was emitting very inhuman and very pained groans from his jowls.

Alright, so Jabra was barely conscious, if at all, but the fact remained that he was here and demonstrating the legitimately stupid amounts of resilience to punishment that Zoans were capable of.

"Sanji…" I muttered out of the corner of my mouth. "If he were actually conscious, I'd say that this would be easy. Right now, however, he's running on rage, adrenaline, and instinct, meaning that he is quite possibly feral and most likely more dangerous than he has ever been in his entire life. Do you think you can take him down in a single shot, before he can start reacting?"

Sanji bit down into a new cigarette and lit it, steadying himself with a deep breath. "I think I can damn well try."

"Good…"

Jabra suddenly fell onto all fours and shot at us like a bullet.

"Because here he comes!" I called back as Usopp and I ran to get the hell out of range.

Sanji promptly spun on his heel, not igniting it but undoubtedly heating it, and shot forward to meet the wolf. They were thirty feet apart… twenty… ten… fi—

SLAM! "Aroough…"

And Sanji skidded to a halt as a door of pure stone opened out of nowhere, slamming hard into Jabra's chops.

We had barely a second to stare before the origin of the door stepped out of it, and scowled down at the now actually unconscious wolf-man.

"I never expected to see you as such a pathetic weakling," Blueno growled as he slammed the wall shut behind him. "All that effort, all the shame you bring on the World Government, and you don't even have the decency to make it close?" He shook his head solemnly as he turned to face us. "You're a disgrace to Cipher Pol No. 9."

I stared in bemusement for a moment as I processed the situation. "Before anyone who's actually against him makes a move, a comrade that he had previously betrayed and condemned to death knocks him back out," I muttered to myself before tilting my head curiously. "Eesh, this isn't just similar, this is a downright cut-and-paste of Krieg."

"No kidding," Sanji shot over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the bull-horned man. "Still, even with that kind of grudge against him, I'm sort of surprised that you did that instead of letting him try to wear us down some."

"Hmph." Blueno cracked his neck coolly. "In retrospect, perhaps I should have. Even so, getting my revenge was my only reason for stopping here. In the end…" He stuck his arm out and pushed an Air Door open. "I am, above all else, a professional."

I felt my blood freeze for an instant as I stared into the off-color dimension that lay on the other side of the impossible portal before managing to get my voice working again. "STOP HIM!"

Sanji didn't need any more warning than that; before Blueno could move so much as an inch, he sprinted forward and—leapt into the portal?

"I'm sorry," Sanji sneered right in Blueno's face. "This establishment is closed for business." And with that, he grabbed the door with his own hand and slammed it in the assassin's face.

For a few seconds, nobody moved as we processed the situation.

"…He does realize that I am the only person with access to that dimension, yes?" Blueno finally spoke up as he directed his flat expression at me.

I gave him an equally neutral look as I crossed my arms. "You do realize that you are going to have to fight your way past him to enter that place, yes?"

There was the panic. It was only for a moment before he schooled himself, but damn if it didn't feel good.

That good feeling then went away real quick-like when he squared his shoulders and directed a scathing glare at us. "While that is a problem I will have to contemplate how to deal with, and while I'm no match for your captain…" He scowled irritably as he cracked his knuckles. "At least I can certainly deal with you two pests before you cause any more problems for us."

Usopp and I tensed in terror as we realized that we were essentially alone against a very ticked off assassin…

CLANG!

And then jumped as a superheated hook slammed into the stonework at Blueno's feet.

"Careful now, bull-boy," Boss growled as he snapped his hook back and started swinging it at his side, the air shimmering both from the heat and the sheer speed of the spin. "I've been looking forward to a good one-on-one brawl for awhile now. The last thing you want to do…" He suddenly grabbed the base of his dart and snapped the cable taut. "Is to threaten me with a good time."

Blueno's eyes narrowed. "As formidable as you are, surely you can't expect a mere animal to stand up to—"

Boss whipped his rope-dart to the side and smashed a sizeable hole in the wall. "I spar with the top three members of our crew on a regular basis," he stated firmly. "Try me."

Blueno remained mostly expressionless, but a slight twitch and a sheen of sweat betrayed how nervous he was. Finally, he shook his head with a sigh. "Your crew truly is the most outrageous of this generation, for a being less than human to be capable of fighting against one of us. Nevertheless, while I don't doubt that I can easily defeat you should I so wish…"

'Denial ain't just a river in Egypt,' I mused, but before I could voice that thought, Blueno vanished without warning, and the slipstream of wind following him caused us all to turn and face where he was standing at the head of the staircase leading down.

"In the end," he continued casually. "The mission takes priority, so I suggest that you all enjoy what few moments you have left alive while I rendezvous with my superior." He then glanced upwards with a long-suffering look. "For however much longer he remains our superior, at any rate…"

And with that, he vanished again, soliciting a growl from Boss as he rewound his weapon. "I really need to get the hang of that technique…" he muttered vehemently. "Still… I'm guessing we have to leave that fight to Sanji?"

"Pretty much, yeah," I confirmed. "Shouldn't be too much of a problem for him, though. After all, Blueno doesn't have any choice but to give him a literal opening if he wants to have any chance of getting control of his hidey-hole back. And giving Sanji an opening, especially when there's a lady's well-being at stake, and said lady is part of our crew?"

"Rocky mountain OYSTERS?" Soundbite leered.

"Bingo," I chuckled grimly.

"Ah… a-are you sure, Cross?" Usopp muttered warily. "I-I mean, I'm sure that in a straight-up fight, Sanji would wipe the floor with him, b-but he's locked himself in another dimension! This is a-as far from an even fight as possible!"

"Eh, don't worry 'bout a thing, Usopp," I waved him off casually as I started marching forward again. "If you have any doubts, all you have to do is remember the two most integral parts of our crew."

Usopp—along with Boss and Soundbite—blinked in confusion, prompting me to spin on my heel and shoot them a grin.

"Our crewmates…" My smile took on a menacing overtone. "And the reality-breaking levels of bullshit we are capable of."

-o-

"This…" Sanji bit out tiredly as he pumped his legs in an effort to keep pace with his opponent. "Was not… my smartest of plans!"

The Straw Hats' cook was currently in the process of rushing after the assassin, chasing his silhouette through the rippling green expanse of his dimension. Thoughts of Robin kept adrenaline flowing through his bloodstream, ensuring that he didn't grow tired, but at the same time he couldn't shake a growing queasiness in his gut. It had taken him a minute to realize that it was because of how stale the air was, no doubt on account of how there wasn't even a trace of wind blowing in the off-color realm to recirculate it.

His nausea barely registered in his mind, however, as he saw Blueno moving at a much more leisurely pace, heading straight towards a wide window. Sanji's mind instantly reached the correct conclusion.

"Moonwalk, damn it!" he cursed as he accelerated his pace.

It was a diabolical plan, ingenius in its simplicity: the bull probably thought that if he managed to leap outside and start Moonwalking all the way to the bridge, then he would be able to lose Sanji and leave him high and dry in the twisted dimension he was hiding in. And the worst part of it all was that he was right; of the three leg-based techniques Cross had informed the crew of, Moonwalk was the one he'd dedicated the least amount of time to. Unless Sanji could stop Blueno from getting outside and away, then not only would he be left stranded for all eternity, but worse yet, he wouldn't make it in time to save Robin-chwan.

Gritting his teeth, Sanji leapt forward. "Collier Shoot!"

His aim was true, but he simply soared through…

CRACK!

And slammed into the solid stone wall adjacent to the window before falling onto his back with a pained grimace. "Damn it, since when the hell are walls that tough?!" Sanji bit out as he got back to his feet and rubbed his throbbing leg. He then turned to look at Blueno… who was looking in his direction with a smirk. He'd felt that, but it was completely useless!

"AAAAAARGH!" the chef roared in frustration, turning back with every intention of venting his frustration on the impervious wall he'd impacted—

Before freezing an inch from the stonework, on account of a very specific detail having caught his eye.

Sanji leaned in for a closer look…

And then adopted a truly devilish grin.

"Cross is right," he chuckled. "Applied bullshit is our area of expertise."

-o-

Blueno directed a smug smirk at where the rush of wind he assumed to be the pirate cook had most likely ended up; it had been a slight detriment to the Door-Door Fruit's usefulness in assassinations to learn that even superhuman force on that side was only capable of creating a breeze against any organic matter, but for once, that was working in his favor.

He maintained his smirk as he turned back towards the window and tensed his legs, preparing to leave his annoyance behind—

THWACK!

—and promptly had his concentration shattered by a hard impact to the back of his head. The attack itself didn't seriously hurt him in spite of the lack of Iron Body, but it still triggered a flinch of pain. Blueno stood, his head on a swivel as he looked back and forth in confusion. "What on earth—!?" The assassin cut his own question off when he located the answer.

Leaning down, he picked up the slightly bloodied rock that had hit him, looking it over in confusion. "What the…?"

CRACK!

Blueno's head snapped around to the window that was to be his point of egress and gaped in shock at the impossible sight before him.

Namely, the sight of a chunk of stone that had been broken off from the window sill floating in mid-air, wavering up and down as though someone were balancing it on… their…

'I-It can't be…' Blueno thought numbly, his mind refusing to accept the sight before him. 'I-I've tried affecting inorganic matter in that dimension countless times in the past, all of us have! O-Only Lucci, Kaku, and Jabra made any progress, because it requires ten times the normal amount of force to do anything in order to affect this side from that one! That's just not—!'

THWACK!

Blueno was forced to cut his internal rant short when the chunk of stone suddenly whipped forward and forced him to dodge. The stone harmlessly smashed against the wall behind him, but he still stared at its fragments in horror.

Then, without even a moment's pause, the assassin blurred towards the window. 'Need to get out,' he thought in a panic as his composure shattered. 'Need to get away, need to get away fast before—!'

Blueno had barely even taken a step when he found another chunk of stone speeding towards his face.

'Iron Body: Strength!' he thought desperately as he initiated the technique. For a moment, he felt what he always felt when he used his ultimate variation on Iron Body: he felt relief. He felt reassured, he felt safe. He felt invincible.

Then a chunk of stone barely bigger than his fist caved his face in, swiftly followed by his body smashing into and through the wall behind him.

Blueno lay stunned for a moment, spitting and groaning miserably as his mind processed what the hell had just happened. His ultimate Iron Body was broken, he himself punted through a wall, and his entire body in nothing short of a legitimate assload of pain.

'T-The stone…' he thought numbly as he forced his body to stand. 'I-Instead of throwing it, h-he used the stone to transfer his k-kick across the d-dimensional barrier…'

And getting back up, what he saw next made whatever blood was left in his face evacuate it.

Half a dozen fist-sized stones moved around in thin air, juggled by an unseen pair of feet. As Blueno took in the sight, he voiced his thoughts in a tone filled with nothing short of utter horror.

"What the hell kind of monsters are you people?"

At that point, stones started shooting towards him like cannonballs, and he did the only thing he could.

He turned tail and ran.

-o-

Kalifa reclined in the straight-backed chair she'd positioned in the center of her room, reading a good book that she had borrowed from Kaku. She gave no indication that she was paying attention to any of her surroundings. At least, not until she suddenly snapped up her arm, which was clad in a black opera glove, causing a metal orb attached to a long pole to bounce off with an audible clang. In spite of her sudden movement and the impact striking her arm, however, she didn't look away from her book. A moment later, the smell of ozone reached her nostrils.

"I'm afraid that won't do you any good," Kalifa said casually. "These gloves I'm wearing are well-insulated, as are my boots. I'm not so foolish as to fall for the same ploy twice in a row, I'll have you know."

"Tsk," came the disembodied huff of the Straw Hats' navigator. "I wouldn't be too sure of that; the only insulator that can't be overcome with a strong enough charge is my captain, and that's only because his skull is as thick as iron plating."

"I believe that," Kalifa drawled, before shifting slightly in her chair. "But I daresay that the same can't be said for you." She suddenly twisted about in her seat, lashing out her leg in an impressive display of acrobatics. "TEMPEST KICK!"

Nami swiftly threw herself backwards in response, rolling out from under the pocket of reflective air she'd erected and popping up into a ready stance as she glared cold fronts at her opponent. "Missed me," she taunted in a somewhat forced catty tone.

"Hmph. Indeed…" Kalifa mused as she marked her page and set her book aside before standing up, primly adjusting her glasses in the process. "I suppose I'll just have to try harder, then, won't I?"

The assassin blurred from sight without any warning, causing Nami to jerk in shock at the lack of verbal warning for the technique. Then, without conscious decision, Nami's fingers flew over the controls of her Clima-Tact and iron cloud surged from the butt of her staff, forming a wall behind her just in time to halt Kalifa's index finger, causing the assassin to leap back, scowling as she clutched her slightly bent digit.

No words were shared between the opponents. Nami merely spun around and swung her Clima-Tact out, crackling with electricity.

"Paper Art," her opponent whispered, bending a full ninety degrees at the waist to go under the swing, before bending even further onto her hands and kicking her feet off the ground.

"Tempest Kick: Doble!" she called out, her legs lashing out a double-sized helping of the razor-sharp wind. As the assassin completed the flip and landed back on her feet, she was disappointed to see the attack break against the wall of iron cloud like a wave over a rock.

There was no time for anger, though, as a crackle of light drew her attention up and to the black cloud above her head crackling with electricity, as well as the fact that Nami had her staff raised high.

"LIGHTNING TEMPO!" she cried out, and swung the staff down.

"Shave!" Kalifa cried out, zipping away from the almost-formed lightning bolt.

The two fighters eyed each other warily as the assassin came out of her Shave, the lightning burning a hole the increasingly abused floor.

After a moment, Kalifa blurred into another wordless Shave, Nami swinging her clouds around behind her again. As expected, this left them in perfect position to intercept a… normal kick? The navigator blinked in surprise, then in panic as her opponent used the clouds to launch a Shave up-and-over, before her clouds could react appropriately, be it consciously or otherwise.

"Tempest Kick!" Kalifa announced with a smirk, and Nami was forced to dive to the side and roll, and even then the razor wind nicked her side. She then shoved her staff up as Kalifa pounced, lashing out with a full spread of side kicks. Heeled shoes met the metal staff, a Finger Pistol was avoided by the slimmest of margins, and then a knee strike was stopped with her staff.

"Moonwalk," Kalifa intoned, the leg locked in the knee strike pushing off the air, allowing her other leg to slam into Nami's side and send her tumbling.

"A valiant attempt," the assassin gloated as she casually strolled over to where Nami was clutching her side and wheezing. "That cloud defense was formidable. But without it, you don't have anythi—!"

THWACK!

Suddenly, the staff became a blur of blue and she felt one of the metal balls bounce off her forehead before she could re-establish the Iron Body she'd let slip, triggering a reflexive Shave backwards. She fingered the nascent goose egg with a pained hiss before freezing as a grim chuckle hit her ears, and she snapped a scathing glare at where the navigator was starting to work her way to her feet.

"Y-You think that hurt?" Nami smirked, her expression the height of smugness in spite of the hand clutching the spot where Kalifa had hit her. "Please, I've run into sharks that hit harder than you."

Kalifa scowled darkly, but before she could respond—

KEE-RASH!

—both she and Nami jumped in shock and looked downwards in confusion when the Tower of Justice was suddenly rocked by a massive impact.

"What the hell was that? An earthquake?" Nami demanded.

"Enies Lobby doesn't get earthquakes," Kalifa responded sourly, though with no less curiosity.

"SERIOUSLY!?"

They received the answer to their question a moment later, as Cross' furious voice filled the air.

"Alright, who laughed at the giraffe!?" Cross demanded. "Who the hell is responsible for making me utter the phrase 'Who laughed at the giraffe' in complete and utter seriousness and context!?"

"Sorry, sorry, that was my bad!" Boss promptly apologized. "Zoro and Kaku almost landed on top of me while I was checking out this garden room of theirs and, well…" He trailed off into helpless snickers. "I got one look at the guy's face and… w-when he started talking about the 'destructive powers of giraffes', I-I just couldn't stop myself! I, ah, skedaddled soon after, though, don't worry, I won't get in Zoro's way."

"Well, now he's gone and cut the whole frickin' Tower of Justice in half, and I'm in the loose half! I hope you're proud of yourself."

"…little bit, honestly, yeah. For you see—!"

"I don't give a shit if it's a Man's Romance or a Manatee's, I'm still freaking pissed! I hope you're happy with whatever the hell it is that you managed to grab, because you're going to get the hell up here right now! GOT IT!?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it. Damn slave-drivin' sonnuva…"

"What does it say about my sanity that I'm not even remotely fazed by any of this?" Nami groaned miserably.

"You…"

Nami blinked and glanced at Kalifa in confusion. "Eh? Did you just say—?"

SNICK!

Her question died in her throat when an impossibly fast blade of wind passed mere millimeters from her face, liberating a few stray strands of hair and a trail of blood.

"You damn pirates…" Kalifa hissed as she slammed her raised leg back to the ground, her eye twitching furiously. "Do you not understand what kind of a situation this is? Do you not comprehend the sheer implications?! This is life and death, the harshest kind of conflict in existence, and yet you are making light of it! How dare you be so blasé, how dare you mock my profession, my life!?"

Nami recoiled slightly at the uncharacteristic rage the assassin was exhibiting, her mind fumbling to come up with a response. "I-I don't know what to tell you…" she hedged. "We're not mocking you or anything, we're not joking around. This is just…" She spread her arms helplessly. "This is just how we are."

Going by how something seemed to snap behind Kalifa's eyes, that was not the right response.

"BUBBLE MASTER!" she shouted, sliding her hands down her arms and flushing out a flood of suds that surged and gushed around her and filled her half of the room. The mass of bubbles roiled wildly, shapes similar to ram horns bucking and rearing throughout the froth. "SOAP SHEPHERD!"

Nami swallowed heavily as she took a hesitant step backwards. However, even as she started spinning up her staff and pumping up her Eisen Cloud behind her to match the most threatening bubbles she'd ever seen in her life, a thought came unbidden to her mind. 'What was it that Su said Cross said back on Skypiea? Anger leads to distraction, and distraction leads to…' Nami hesitated slightly before adopting a somewhat mad grin. 'Oh, what the hell, she's already ticked, might as well see how far I can take it!'

"Maybe Conis misinformed me," Nami called out in a taunting tone. "But I thought you said that you'd sooner kiss Cross than take his advice? Because from my point of view…" Nami kicked her grin up a few molars, her Eisen Cloud looming around her. "You're looking really bubbly right now."

If Nami's comment about the way they were had made Kalifa snap, that taunt made her straight-up shatter.

"BUBBLE MASTER: SOAP STAMPEDE!" Kalifa roared as she shoved her arms forwards and sent her bubbles charging ahead, roiling over and over one another.

"EISEN TEMPO!" Nami bellowed back, swinging her staff down and letting the iron clouds behind her cascade out to meet the soapy charge head-on.

The two primal forces of white smashed together in the middle of the room, and the fight kicked itself right into high gear.

-o-

"You sure you'll be alright, Cross?" Usopp asked in equal parts nervousness and concern as we stood before a notably ornate door.

"Don't worry about me, Usopp," I said dismissively without taking my eyes off the door. "If worst comes to worst, Lassoo, Soundbite, and my armor should be enough to fend off anyone weaker than CP9, and none of them are standing guard here!" I then paused and glanced over at Soundbite. "They aren't, right?"

"Nope," Soundbite shook his head confidently. "The trio of the—!"

"If you say anything about hoods, nooses, or crosses, I will slap the insensitive out of you," I promised solemnly.

The snail bit his tongue with a reluctant grimace. "Anyway… they're all where THEY SHOULD BE. CHOPPER STARTED FIGHTING the big-mouth awhile back, THEY'RE ABOUT NECK-AND-NECK!" He adopted an impressed look. "The pipsqueak might not DOWN RUMBLE BALLS OFTEN, but when he does, DAMN."

Usopp hesitated for a few more seconds before nodding. "Well… alright, if you say so. Good luck, guys."

"Like I don't already have all of it," I chuckled back.

With a final shaky grin, Usopp vanished. Squinting, I was able to keep track of him for a second as he sped up the stairs before he was out of sight. Geeze, I'd known he could probably learn how to Shave, but to master it this fast? Well… then again, I was only half-joking back when I was recommending who learn what.

Shaking those thoughts off, I looked back at the massive double doors leading to Spandam's office. "Soundbite, am I clear?" I asked quietly.

"I don't hear ANYONE," the snail replied.

I nodded firmly, pushed open one of the doors—

"…Soundbite?"

"Yeah?"

"I hate you."

"I'M STARTING TO agree with YOU."

"Quiet, pirate scum!"

And found myself staring down the barrel of a flintlock pistol held by a Government agent.

I tilted my head to the side so as to better shoot a dumbfounded look at my assailant. "How even—?" I requested. "I'm honestly curious here, he has a Devil Fruit! That shouldn't even be possible!"

The suit-clad agent smirked menacingly at me. "We agents of the World Government aren't like your average Marines, pirate. We're highly trained in all manners of skill, stealth included. You'd be surprised at just how quiet somebody can be when they put their mind to it. Now, then…" He drew out his other hand and spun a pair of handcuffs around his finger. "You're under arrest."

I swallowed heavily as I slowly slid my foot back, furiously trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get out of this mess.

"I knew we should have taken that left turn on the tenth floor, but YU said to go left."

The Agent and I snapped our attentions—and weapon, in the Agent's case—to Soundbite, who'd spoken up in a very… familiar…

Soundbite angled his eyestalk in such a way so as to subtly wink at me.

Oh, that crazy mucus-covered son of a bitch, this could actually work.

"Are you kidding!?" I spluttered indignantly, drawing the Agent's gun back in my direction. "That is a complete and utter lie! You told me that this was the safest route to go!"

"NO I DIDN'T, YU DID!" Another shift, with the Agent starting to look confused.

"What!?" I angled myself slightly so that I could get a better look at the snail. "I didn't say that, it was you!"

"RIGHT!" I jerked my shoulder holding Soundbite forward, emphasizing his own bark. "YU SAID TO GO RIGHT!"

"I just said it wasn't me!" I slid my foot forwards.

"AND I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS YOU! I SAID IT WAS YU!"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SE—!"

I abruptly cut myself off as I jerked across the last of the distance separating me from the agent, jerked my Taser Baton from my pocket and slammed it into the Agent's gut, laying him out with a single ZAP!

For a moment, I just stared at his unconscious form in awe. "…We just managed to weaponize Abbott and Costello," I breathed numbly.

"WE'RE AWESOME!" Soundbite whooped.

"Who're Abbott and Costello?" Lassoo spoke up.

I froze for a moment before rolling my eyes and starting to scan around. "Right, that tears it. Soundbite, while I search this place for something useful, do the world a favor and broadcast the Who's On First sketch. It's a crime that they've never had the chance to hear such classic genius."

"With pleasure!" the snail cheered. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, we present an intermission in the STRAW HAT PIRATES' invasion of ENIES LOBBY for the first ever SBS COMEDY CORNER!"

Snickering as I imagined how many people all over the world would be rolling on the ground laughing, I moved past the insensate Agent—though I took the time to lock his own handcuffs on him and kick the gun to the other side of the hall—and into the office proper. It looked vaguely familiar (how could it not?), half-gaudy and half-utilitarian… and half-gone, thanks to my earlier efforts with the mortar cannons.

"Alright," I mused under my breath as I wrung my hands together. "Let's get started."

-o-

'I will not laugh,' Buggy repeated in his mind. 'I will not laugh. No matter how flashy or how humorous, I refuse on my pride as a pirate to let that crew, any member of that crew, bring me to laughter!'

And yet, the fact that several of his own men were already cracking up, along with the straight-up hilarity of the broadcast's opening, was swiftly eroding his endurance.

"What's the fella's name on third base?"

"What's the fella's name on second base!"

"I won't."

"I'm not askin' ya who's on second!"

"Who's on first!"

"I can't…"

"I don't know!"

"Third base!"

"I can't," Buggy snorted. "I can't… hold it in… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-o-

"The left fielder's name?"

"Why."

"…I don't know. I just thought I'd ask ya!"

"Well, I just thought I'd tell ya!"

"How did we never hear such an incredible baseball joke?" Miss Merry Christmas cackled.

"Haaaaahaaaaahaaaaa…" Mister 4 started rocking back and forth in his seat as he clapped his hands and laughed.

Paula shot a dubious glance at him. "You actually understand their jokes?"

"Yeeeessss!" Mister 4 nodded as tears started to slide from the corners of his eyes. "'Whhhoooooo' iiiiissss oooooon fiiiiiirst! Hiiiiiilaaaaaaariiiiiiiooooouuuuussss!"

Paula and Christmas promptly exchanged flat looks.

"I'm not explaining second through centerfield," Christmas grunted.

"I'll second that."

-o-

"Tell me the pitcher's name!"

"Tomorrow!"

"What time?"

"What time what?"

"What time tomorrow are ya gonna tell me who's pitching?!"

"Now, hold on, Who is not pitching—"

"I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY 'WHO'S ON FIRST!'"

"Yukeeheehee, yukeeheehee, yukeeheeheeheeheeeee!"

The sadist in a child's body looked over the top of her book with a flatly cocked eyebrow, observing her sister's laughter slowly growing into a belly-jiggling guffaw. "Really, now?" she asked flatly. "You read Vonnegut, and this is what you consider humorous."

"Yukeeheehee," Monet laughed around the hands she had clasped over her mouth, tears of laughter flowing ceaselessly. "H-He asked—! A-And he said—! T-Tomorro-hohohoooooh I can't breathe! Heeheehee, heehee—EEK!"

Sugar's eyebrow raised up a bit when Monet suddenly overbalanced and tumbled out of her seat. And then her expression fell flat when her sister's laughter intensified, if anything.

She returned her attention to her book with a weary sigh. "One of the greatest infiltrators of our generation, folks…" she muttered to herself.

-o-

"You throw the ball to first base!"

"And who gets it?!"

"Naturally!"

"…Who gets it?"

"Naturally."

"Naturally?"

"Naturally."

"OK… so I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it—"

The volume of laughter on the back of the giant elephant suddenly crescendoed, the vast majority of the Mink tribe familiar with baseball due to outsiders' information, and subsequently seeing every bit of the humor in the current SBS.

"He throws the ball to Naturally—GORONYANYANYANYA!" Nekomamushi roared.

"I… I'm getting the plays on words, but… but what's baseball?" Carrot gasped through her giggles.

"A—hahaha!—llow me to explain, Carrot," Inuarashi proposed around his own laughter. "F-Fair warning, this'll t-take a minute!"

-1 minute later-

"And that's the game!" the large dog concluded with a firm nod.

"Wow, that sounds like fun!" the rabbit-mink nodded her head eagerly as she directed a grin at her superior. "Maybe we could all play together sometime!"

The laughter of the two Dukes of Zou suddenly stopped, thoughtful looks on their faces. After a moment of contemplation, wide, toothy grins spread across their faces.

"I think…" Inuarashi rumbled as he tossed a too-wide leer at his nocturnal counterpart. "That that is a very good idea."

"As do I," Nekomamushi concurred, a glint in his eye.

Wanda's heart sank as she observed the way the rival rulers were eyeing one another, but she ultimately dismissed it and deferred to her dukes' superior judgement.

In the following weeks, that day would be marked as the day that the Ruler's Aide known as Wanda vowed that by hook or by crook, she would have her revenge on Jeremiah Cross.

-o-

"Why? I don't know! He's on third… and I don't give a darn!"

"What was that?"

"I said I don't give a darn!"

"Ohhh, he's our shortstop!"

"And that's the gag!" Soundbite concluded with a smirk.

"HWEE-HWEE-HWEE-HWEE-HWEE!" Lassoo guffawed on my back. "Man, that's nothing short of comedy gold!"

"Yep," I muttered acridly as I finished patting down the bottom of yet another shelf and slammed it shut. "Pure genius, right there, damn it all…"

I would have been in a better mood had things been going my way—no matter how many times I heard that sketch, it never stopped being funny—but the fact was that I was a little grumpy at the moment considering that the last eight minutes of combing every part of the office, starting with the desk, had yielded nothing but a goose egg.

And a rotten one at that. Seriously, how the hell did you get an egg stuck down—! Ergh, I didn't even want to know.

"Hwee-hwee—Eh?" Lassoo came down from his laughter and glanced curiously over my shoulder. "What the heck have you been looking for, anyway?"

"I don't know, something, anything?!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "We're in the middle of the headquarters of the chief of CP9, who just so happens to have been all but born a corrupt asshat. I was sure that there would be something I could find in this office and broadcast that would, at worst, utterly ruin Spandam beyond what we already have, but at best?" I grinned euphorically. "At best, he'd have something that would make Dragon the Revolutionary feel like his birthday came early!"

"And ya think that what we've done so far hasn't done that? He's probably laughin' his head off," Lassoo mused.

"Meh," I waved my hand casually. "We've done good, yeah, and call me an overachiever if you must, but!" I snapped a finger up. "I just can't help the feeling that we can do better."

Lassoo then proved that a gun could, in fact, shrug if it was so inclined. "Well… I'm no expert, but my old masters were assassins. Maybe ya need to put yerself in his shoes." He then grimaced in disgust. "Ugly as they may be…"

I considered that for a moment before nodding to myself, and heading back to the desk before sinking into Spandam's chair. "Alright, then… so, if I were a subhuman degenerate, where would I want to keep… my… huh?"

I slowly allowed a grin to spread over my face as I felt something shifting.

"Right where I see the rest of the world, situated…" I breathed as I got out of the seat and crouched down, poking at the loose stonework below. "Right beneath my feet." I shot a smirk over my shoulder. "Lassoo? Remind me to buy you a week's worth of steak when we get back to Water 7."

"Praise be to Doggy Jesus!"

I raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "There's a doggy Jesus?"

"…well, I assume."

I rolled my eyes before returning my attention to the flagstone. "Alright, let's see… shouldn't be too hard to open this… maybe something he'd press with his heel—?" I pressed down on the south side of the stone, causing the tile to tilt upwards and give me enough room to grab it and lift it out, following which I was met with the sight of…

My grin widened as I observed the triple-dials of the floor-vault below me. "Oh, if this isn't something incriminating, I'm going to be pi~ssed…"

"Ya know the important dates in his life?" Lassoo asked.

"Better." I took Soundbite off of my shoulder and placing him on the vault's door. "I know the phrase 'Gastro-Blast.'"

"OPEN SAYS-A-ME!"

A cacophony of shattering metal rang out and I managed to wrench the metal door clean out of its holding.

"Who needs intel when you have an appropriately heavy fist, huh?" Lassoo snickered.

"Damn straight," I nodded as I returned Soundbite to my shoulder. "Now, let's see what we have here…" I fished around in the safe for a moment, but it ultimately proved to be a needless gesture. After all, the safe only contained one object.

I looked over the yearbook-sized black leather binder I was holding with and let out a low whistle. "Oh, pleeease be something good, I'm begging you…" I muttered as I laid the binder on the desk and loomed over it. "Alrighty, then, let's see what we've got."

I inched my fingers beneath the cover—

"CROSS, DOWN!"

Before hastily slamming myself onto the desk in reaction to Boss roaring out of nowhere. The next second, I felt the wind of what could only be Boss's rope-dart shooting over me followed by it smashing into something BEHIND ME?!

I grabbed the binder and dove over the desk, putting as much distance between myself and my attacker before spinning around to catch sight of them.

Suffice to say they were the absolute last person I expected to see.

"What the actual—!?" I sputtered incredulously. "Jabra I kind of get, but how in the insane Blue hell are you still standing?!"

"Chapapapa~…" Fukuro chuckled darkly in spite of how he was waving out a visibly distorted finger. "I guess you don't know as much as you think. Well, there's no harm in telling you at this point: We CP9 agents tend to measure the strength of our agents through the usage of what we call 'power levels'. At least one agent per generation is required to know the technique to calculate power levels, which involves the other agents striking the calculator with a significant amount of force. As such… I've been trained so that no matter how powerful a hit is, I can take at least one without too much damage."

He rubbed his jaw with a scowl. "Still, though, your captain was pretty tough, so I Shaved backwards at the last moment, to roll with the punch. It hurt like hell and dazed me for a bit, but I still managed to get back up, chapapa."

"I see, that makes sense. Just one more thing, then," I nodded in a faux-casual manner before jabbing my finger at my shoulder with a scowl. "How the hell did you circumvent Soundbite's senses?"

"Chapapa… As you said earlier, I am the gossip-loving Silent Owl," Fukuro grinned tauntingly. "We of CP9 are all naturally trained for stealth. I just happen to be more skilled than most."

"I'm starting to feel rather IMPOTENT…" Soundbite moaned softly.

"Don't worry, it happens to the best of us," Boss said dismissively, his attention never swaying from the rotund opponent before us. "Anyways, if'n you boys don't mind, I'll take on this owly doughboy, you all get back to whatever it was you were doing. Sound good?"

"I'm content with that particular arrangement," I nodded swiftly.

"Go right ahead," Lassoo concurred.

"BATTER up!" Soundbite concluded.

"Feh," Fukuro spat to the side, scowling. "Please. Your tenacity has been impressive so far, chapapa, but the fact is that I'm a master of the Six Powers, and that you are only a martial artist. These is no style in existence that can match it!"

"Counterexample: the wolf Zoan currently out cold after fighting our captain," Boss deadpanned.

"Allow me to rephrase, then," Fukuro snarled. "Your style can't match it!" And with that, he suddenly shot towards us, spinning furiously. "SHAVE, IRON BALL!"

I took a fearful step back, but Boss didn't hesitate to waddle forwards, his head bowed solemnly.

"Yeah, you're right…" he said softly even as his opponent approached. "I've spent years finalizing my mastery over the Half-Shell Style, and I don't doubt that your Six Powers could crush it in a second. Which means that my only option left…"

He promptly snapped his arms up and crossed them before his face with a determined look.

"Is to kick it up a notch!"

SLAM!

Fukuro's spinning form struck Boss, but the technique that had sent a body that was literally half-iron flying uncontrollably failed to make the much smaller and much fleshier Dugong move more than half a meter, if that.

As soon as his spin started to fail, Fukuro kicked away from Boss and flipped back across the room, where he stared at the dugong in disbelief. "T-That's impossible…" the assassin gaped in shock. "T-That was Iron Body!"

"Close," the dugong intoned firmly as he broke his stance, fists still raised and at ready. "My personal variation for the working dugong's body: Full-Shell Style: Shell Body."

"What the hell?" I gaped. "I never saw you practicing any of the Six Powers even once over the past few weeks!"

Fukuro spared me a look of equal parts horror and anger while Boss rolled his eyes. "That doesn't mean I wasn't practicing in my spare time. Plus, some offense Cross, but in this instance your descriptions were utter shit. I didn't make a lot of progress until about, oooh, ten minutes ago? When I found this." The dugong whipped a rather ornate scroll from his shell and waved it around. "In the garden-room a few floors below. Quite a few notes on it too, very useful. Whoever was using it to review was impressively studious."

Fukuro's eye twitched vehemently. "And Jabra has the gall to call me an idiot, chapapa!" His scowl then deepened and started twitching. "But that still doesn't make any sense! We've spent literally our entire lives learning the Six Powers and improving our mastery over them! The only ones who have ever been able to pick up the techniques that fast are Marines ranked at least Vice Admiral, and they cheat to learn even half of it!"

"Honestly?" Boss allowed a slight smirk to tug at his lips. "All I took away from that little rant is that your old masters deserve nothing short of the utmost pity for having such utterly hopeless students."

"…Alright, that's it. Now I'm angry! SHAVE!" Fukuro screeched before vanishing into a blur.

"Rip Current," Boss stated flatly as he slapped his flipper on the ground before vanishing in an identical manner. The twin blurs clashed in midair, fist against flipper, following which Fukuro attempted to spin away back to the ground—

"YEOWCH!"

Only to discover that Boss' Thermal Dart was latched onto his uniform, which meant that he ended up on the ground wrapped up in a rope coat. A searing hot rope coat.

"Now, then, let's see how strong your resistance really is. Half-Shell Style…"

Boss yanked on the rope, drawing Fukuro back into the air and into Boss's range. The dugong shot at him, and his fist slammed into the agent to send him crashing back into the ground, a crater forming. Then Boss spun around, reeling Fukuro back up like a yo-yo and slamming his flipper into him, following which he flipped his opponent above him and used him as a springboard to shoot him up into the air while he himself leapt back down to the ground. Once there, Boss yanked on his rope-dart, bringing Fukuro straight down…

CRACK!

And onto Boss' outstretched fist.

"Barracuda Barrage!"

Taking in the undeniably epic sight, I fought with myself for a moment before sighing. "Don't expect me to say this again without a damn good reason, but… GO, BOSS, GO!" I cheered.

Boss shot a grin my way before spinning on his tail, swinging Fukuro around like a hammer throw before jerking his rope and uncoiling his weapon, sending the assassin flying out the hole in the wall and out of sight. "Much obliged, Cross, but I've got every doubt that that was enough to finish him. I'll meet up with you again when he's knocked out for real."

With that, he leapt straight up into the air—

"Tidal Swim!"

—and practically kicked himself off the air, shooting out the open wall, and then redirecting himself to shoot downwards and out of sight.

"MONSTER QUARTET confirmed?" Soundbite whistled in awe.

"Eh, we'll see," I wavered my hand uncertainly. "I doubt that knowing the Six Powers will make that much of a difference against the original trio, not when they're learning it themselves. For now, though…" I held up the binder as I was carrying. "Let's see what muck we've managed to dig up, aye?"

"AYE-aye!" the snail concurred.

"We about to make Spandam's life miserable?" Lassoo growled eagerly as I returned to the desk and tossed the binder onto it.

"His and that of every last one of the World Government's higher-ups." I wrung my hands together eagerly. "Now, once again, o world… let's see what we've got."

And so, without further ado, I flipped the cover open, scanned the first page…

And had to actively fight to keep myself from cackling.

"Ooooh, yeah, this'll do nicely," I crooned. "Ladies and gentlemen of the world, what I have discovered and am about to publicize…"

-o-

"Is nothing less than Cipher Pol No. 9's very own operational blackbook."

"OF COURSE! WHY WOULD IT BE ANYTHING ELSE?! WHY WOULD I EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE?!"

"Sir, your blood pressure!"

"DAMN MY BLOOD PRESSURE!" Admiral of the Fleets Sengoku roared to the medical aide trailing after him as he marched down one of Marineford's many docks. "THAT INCOMPETENT MORON THAT WE MADE THE EARTHSHAKING MISTAKE OF PUTTING IN CHARGE OF CP9 JUST HANDED THAT LOUD-MOUTHED HELLSPAWN THE VOCAL EQUIVALENT OF A GOLDEN TRANSPONDER SNAIL, AND HE IS ABOUT TO PUBLICIZE IT TO THE WORLD! HOW THE HELL DOES A BLACKBOOK EXIST FOR CP9 IN THE FIRST PLACE!?"

Sengoku wasn't the only one wondering this, as evidenced by the snail the aide was carrying speaking up in a certain canine-cannon's voice. "A blackbook!? But that's impossible! From everything that we've seen, Cipher Pol No. 9 is a black ops unit! That means that there are no traces of their existence for the sake of plausible deniability! Any reports should have been summarily destroyed once they were confirmed!"

"Yes, Lassoo, but you're forgetting one very important detail," Cross grinned excitedly. "Spandam is the textbook definition of what is known as a malignant narcissist, and CP9 is the source of his ego. He considers their achievements to be his achievements and he revels in them, but because of how fragile his ego actually is, he needs constant self-reassurance to keep believing in his high and mighty attitude. That's where these—" There was the sound of a finger tapping paper. "Come in. These are Spandam's trophies. Proof of every last operation that he's ever pulled off for the World Government, every last victory meant to pump himself up… and most importantly, in this instance?"

Cross's smile became demonic. "Insurance that if Spandam makes it off of this island alive, he's going to wish beyond all shadows of all hopes that we had killed him… which, naturally, means that we're going to have to refrain from doing so. To every last Marine, Government worker, and Revolutionary on the face of the planet!" the pirate suddenly barked eagerly. "I suggest that you all buckle up. You're about to get busy."

"Right, that does it!" Sengoku barked as he accelerated his pace and started marching up the nearest gangplank he could find. "Forget the timeline! Spandam's a dead man no matter what he does, the fleet mobilizes NOW!"

"B-B-B-But, sir, you should be resting—GYERK!"

The doctor's insistence was cut off by Sengoku spinning on his heel and slamming the pole of the IV drip he was carrying into the wood.

"You seem to have failed to take something into account during your diagnosis, Doctor," the enlightened human growled acridly. "I am no mere human being. I am Sengoku, Fleet Admiral of the World Government's Marine Corps. I might be older than Whitebeard by five years, but the fact remains that it will take far more than one measly heart attack caused by one measly pirate to incapacitate me and keep me from popping his head from his scrawny neck." He leaned in and snarled in the medical officer's face. "Do. I. Make. Myself. Clear?"

The doctor had to fight very hard to keep himself under control as he shook his head with a slight whimper. "J-Just promise that you'll k-keep your cannula in place? P-Please?"

Sengoku grimaced as he thumbed the plastic tube leading below his nose before nodding. "Fine. Now, then." He turned around and addressed the nearest Captain. "Before we leave, I want a status update: what's Aokiji's progre—?"

A massive glacier suddenly formed on one side of Marineford. Then, just as suddenly, it shattered to pieces.

"…Never mind," he grunted before striding onto the deck. "Tell him to catch up to us once he's finished. For now, though?"

Sengoku took his next step as a golden titan.

"SET SAIL FOR ENIES LOBBY!"

-o-

"Now, then, let's state at the beginning…" I started to drag my finger across the page as I read it. "Entry one—eh? Wait a second…" I paused in confusion. "This first one is labeled Cipher Pol Number… 5… ohh, of course, it's the one that started it all. People of the world, what I have before me is nothing short of proof positive of the fact that the World Government has, in the past, framed and executed an innocent man for crimes he did not commit in order to propagate their own goals. Allow me to read it verbatim!"

I cleared my throat as I picked the book up and started pacing. "This report details the series of events that took place during Operation Parole Board eight years ago on the island of Water 7. And I quote, 'Tom the shipwright feigned ignorance and refused to relinquish Pluton blueprints. Blackmail attempt for building Oro Jackson failed, as it was already known. Acquittal planned for building a sea-train. Solution: Covertly commandeer the battleships built by Tom's apprentice, Cutty Flam, and use them to destroy the Judicial Ship, and frame Tom for it. Final Result: Partial success; Tom arrested, blueprints not found on person. Pending interrogation on blueprints location in Impel Down. Promotion pending: position highly classified.'"

I shook my head with a dismal tsk. "Well, there you have it, folks. Not only did the World Government countermand their own edict concerning the acquisition and usage of the Ancient Weapons, an edict they burned Ohara for, no less, but they even went so far as to attack a vessel directly under their employ to do so. I ask you: if this is how far they're willing to go against their own people… how much farther might they go against others?"

I promptly grinned eagerly as I started flipping ahead. "Let's find out!"

-o-

"Oh, now this one sounds like fun! Operation Market Failure! Now, let's see. First, there's a list of countries here…"

If Baltigo had been active a few minutes ago, it was positively abuzz now as every last Revolutionary on base noted down every last word that fell from Cross' mouth. Dragon himself was mentally checking off the names of the countries, his sense of dread mounting with every name he accurately predicted.

"Sir," Sabo cast an uneasy look at his superior. "These nations… aren't these the members of the Vantruskan Coalition? Before—?"

"I always thought that the misfortune that occurred all those years ago seemed too spontaneous," Dragon bit out grimly. "It would seem my fears were vindicated."

"Alright, now onto the good stuff: 'The aforementioned countries were involved in a suspicious trading coalition. CP9 sent undercover to investigate. Several traders interrogated and killed. After six months of thorough research, the investigation revealed that the goings-on were fully innocuous. Solution: Due to being too deep into the operation already, CP9 utilized the worst-case scenario. Frame-ups among every country involved towards specific other members, and remaining underlying liquid assets seized by CP9 for Government usage. Result: Success; ongoing war among the involved nations, and all seized assets added to the Celestial Dragons' tribute money.'" A pause. "Well, I imagine that that's going to piss a few people off. Oh, Dragon? I'd suggest clearing your lines, they're about to get very tied up."

As if on cue, almost every snail in the room started ringing their transponders off of their shells.

Dragon promptly snapped a finger at Koala, prompting her to pause and glance over the stack of papers she was hauling. "Remind me, where was the Vantruskan Coalition before it imploded?" she asked with clear dread.

"South end of South Blue," Hack provided as he passed behind her. "And by that," he dropped a very heavy coat on her head. "I mean South. Dress warm."

Koala grimaced as she shoved her papers into the arms of one of her nearby comrades and started pulling the coat on. "I am… conflicted. This is a massive windfall for us, sure, but somehow, I don't think Cross would be that sorry if he knew he was sending me to the South Pole."

"Be happy now, kill him later?" Sabo suggested.

"I can live with that."

-o-

"Hee-haw! I can only imagine how overjoyed Dragon must be at this sudden influx of information! Jeremiah Cross has just cemented a powerful ally!" Emporio Ivankov cackled, leading Newkama Land in cheering for him.

"You speak as if he hadn't already, my queen," Inazuma intoned calmly as he (at the moment) swirled his Chardonnay in its glass.

"Psh," Ivankov waved her (at the moment) hand dismissively. "Totally different! Before, Jerry-Boy only had Dragon's attention. Now? Now he will deem him a comrade in Revolution, even moreso than he already was before! And he's still going on!"

"Alright, what's next? Operation Entropy, eh? Oh, this should be good…"

Ivankov hastily waved a hand to quiet down the cheers.

"Alright, here we go: 'Upon discovery that the Oro Jackson was constructed of wood from the Jewel Tree Adam, we determined to ensure that no ship would ever be built of such wood again. Investigation on the island where the tree grows revealed that wood was shipped out in the midst of a ceasefire between the nations Shule and Cohor. Warring nations at the time of investigation: Jared and Akish, looked to be winding down from war. Solution: Spark hostility once more, and ensure that if the war does die down, we are in an ideal position to reignite the flames. Result: Partial success; the two nations war without end in sight, genocide more likely than peace, but only 95% of registered Adam Wood shipments are intercepted before reaching their destination.' Huh… you know, I'm honestly surprised that I never figured that out myself; wars for the tree are one thing, but for them to constantly flare up one right on top of the other? This just makes too much sense."

Inazuma sniffed contemptuously. "Condemning so many lives simply on account of what could possibly be done with that wood. Barbaric. Still, though…" He paused to take a sip of wine. "Now that the world is aware that the blockage in supply is not simply due to the war, perhaps someone will be able to intercept the interceptions?"

"Mmfufufu. And I'd bet anything that more than a few of those counter-interceptions will be from our dear comrades on the outside!" Ivankov chuckled before raising her glass high. "A toast! To our dear comrades managing to get a copious amount of impossibly hard wood in the near future!"

"KANPAI!" the citizens of Newkama Land toasted their ruler.

Ivankov made to drink, before pausing with a frown. "…Why do I feel like my boys and I are currently the butt of some big cosmic joke?" she muttered.

-o-

I continued reading entries for the next several minutes, certain that Spandam's fate worse than death was sealed. Even so, there was one thing bothering me about what I was reading; every last one of them had been at least partially successful. It made sense, for Spandam's ego, but I was hoping that there would be at least one—

"Ah, finally! This one seems to have actually ended in failure. I wonder how that happened. Let's see…" I muttered under my breath as I scanned over the mission details. Then my eyes twitched. Both of them, one right after the other.

"Are. You. KIDDING ME? This… This isn't corrupt, nor is it even tragic! This is just downright PATHETIC! I… I can't even read this one verbatim, folks, it's just… well, listen to this, Operation Star-Crossed. Apparently this was a special assignment for CP9, where the endgame wasn't assassination. See, their goal was to force the alliance of two families of royalty for political and financial reasons by getting the scions to marry one another. They accomplished this by assassinating the scion's paramours—big surprise—and then infiltrating their lives so as to manipulate them into meeting one another. And it worked, too! The heirs of the Montfield and the Capoy families fell in love, got engaged, they even got legitimately hitched! Sounds hunky-dory, right? They were halfway through the reception!"

I slammed my head onto the wood desk, the groan of pain I let out more for the Luffy-grade stupidity I just read than any physical injury. "And then Fukuro, the tub of lard who also happened to be the groom's best freaking man, got up before both families and, without a moment's hesitation, spilled the whole thing! Every. Last. Detail. After that, it was a bloodbath. There are… there are no words, I should imagine. I mean… seriously, what's the point of his mouth being a zipper—it's a real zipper, by the by—if he's not going to bother to use it!? Honestly now, the man's mouth is practically a weapon of mass destruction!"

"Like you have any room to talk?"

"At least general chaos is my endgoal, he just does it randomly, without warning and with no clear benefit."

"Still sounds familiar, hwee-hwee-hwee!"

"Oh, shut it," I grumbled, turning the page. "Alright, Spandam probably only kept that particular report because it wasn't even remotely his fault that the mission failed. And honestly, after that, I'm more inclined to hope that I don't read any more fai—"

I cut myself off with a choking gasp as a very specific part of the entry caught my attention. My mind raced as I processed it before hastily flipping back through the pages, scanning the same section of each and every last one of the reports I could find.

What I discovered, and the implications therein, were not pleasant in the least.

-o-

With each report that Jeremiah Cross read, the old woman's grip on her cane and the folder she was clutching intensified. Not even Roger had caused her this much raw negative emotion at one time. Then again, perhaps that was simply because he and Cross had opposing end goals: Roger had shone hope inward in order to illuminate a relatively dreary world, whereas Cross was shining his light of truth outwards, exposing the darkness that lurked just out of sight.

How much she had already known. The Marines were far from ignorant about the state of things, she was hardly ignorant. She'd thought the limits were justifiable, thought the ends justified the costs…

How much she had turned blind eyes to in the last decades. The corruption she refused to see.

She was old. She had fought her war. She had fully intended to get involved only in the event of something too big or too high-profile for the present Marines to deal with. She had trained up a new generation to fight the oncoming battles, to weather the storm. She had convinced herself that she was ready to retire, trusting in the future.

And now, she was robbed of that luxury by, as she had put it herself so very, very long ago, 'one boy with a big mouth.'

For the umpteenth time since she had left Sengoku's office and boarded her warship, since she had entered her cabin, her thoughts turned to the folder she now held in her hand. She contemplated what it held, she contemplated the implications held within, the consequences of turning it over to Sengoku as she had planned to do later that very day.

"…well, now."

And then, of course, Cross decided to open his mouth yet again.

"Oh, what now?" Tsuru snapped, looking back at the snail with a look of exasperation; anything that could make Cross sound solemn, of all things, when he had listed off so many disasters without faltering, could not be good, be it for her sanity or in general.

"…Ugh. I'm sorry, viewers, I just… this was some of the most fun I've had since starting this broadcast. I mean, there's enough material here that the Revolutionaries are probably going to feel like their collective birthdays came early. But looking at this, noticing what I have, I'm just… I'm too disappointed to even enjoy it that much anymore."

"Disappointed?" Tsuru repeated incredulously.

"Let me explain exactly why I'm so upset right now. See, for all that I disparage the Marine Corps and everything that they tolerate, I do know that there are some in the Corps that aren't a disgrace to their mission. I've met them, I respect them, and I honestly believe that what I'm doing is right by exposing just what is wrong with the people they work with. And one that I actually thought highly of is the leader of them all, Fleet Admiral Sengoku."

Tsuru froze.

"I mean, sure, I know that he's done some things that lots of us would be furious about, he's made a lot of choices like that. But, hey, I'm best friends with legitimate royalty here. I'm well aware, especially after the events in Alabasta, that that's the kind of responsibility that comes from being at the top. You have to make some tough choices, you have to look at the bigger picture, you…" Cross sighed morosely. "You have to do… what you have to do. If it comes down to it, you may even have to sacrifice some in order to save others. That's… That's life on the top. I may not have a lot of respect for the Corps as a whole, but I had a pretty high opinion of Sengoku. Despite some of the stuff he's done, I thought he was a good leader for the Corps, one that, at the end of the day, was the kind of Marine that lived the position of Fleet Admiral with the honor and respect that it deserved."

Tsuru processed the words that fell from the pirate's lips, and ironically enough, they nearly made her rethink the past few hours, came close to convincing her to contact her superior—her friend—and apologize. But there was one thing that stuck out more than anything else about what Cross was saying that prevented her from doing just that: the fact that he was speaking in the past tense.

The rabble-rouser then let out another morose sigh, and proceeded to shatter what faith the Vice Admiral had left in her old friend.

"And now, as I see his signature beneath every other one of these reports, as I see what I can only assume is his handwriting approving bodycount after bodycount, atrocity after atrocity… I'm left hoping beyond all hope that he never read them, and just signed off on them out of obligation. That he didn't have a choice in this. That he didn't order even half of this. Because I really, really don't want to believe that he's capable of allowing even one of these Operations to occur in good conscience. Because to approve these missions… would indicate a complete and utter lack thereof."

Tsuru remained stationary, her expression unreadable, for a full minute. Then her cane fell to the ground as she opened the folder, and took note of a single specific detail within. The moment she had it memorized, she waved her hand over the sheets and photographs that she had laboriously and carefully assembled over the last few weeks before allowing them to flutter to the ground, every wrinkle of an imprint and every stain of ink utterly washed away, leaving nothing but blank paper.

The next moment, she locked her office door and shut off the SBS. She thought for a minute, determining something, before dialing the number she had memorized. Two rings later…

"Capricorn," came a distorted voice, the identity of its speaker impossible to decipher.

"Aquarius," Tsuru enunciated clearly. "I imagine that that chain-smoking hooligan friend of yours Cancer and his rather admirable protégé Pisces are nearby as well?"

"…Son of a bitch, Cross can be a terrifying bastard sometimes, though at least Hina is somewhat relieved that she's going to learn just how he does it…" Hina grimaced miserably. "But damn it, he is going to be insufferably smug on account of how we didn't even get a chance to do anything."

Tsuru promptly felt a sweatdrop develop on the side of her head. "Ah… what exactly have I gotten myself into?"

The easily recognizable and sadistic grin that her Snail suddenly sported did not set Tsuru at ease. At all. "Straw Hat Pirate-grade insanity, Vice Admiral Tsuru," Smoker chuckled in a tone that dripped with gallows humor. "That is what you've gotten yourself into."

"…bother."

-o-

I remained silent for a second longer before shaking my head as I got my head back in the game. Disturbing as the implications were, I needed to focus. Because in the end… it was now or never.

'…This is it,' I thought, my heart pounding almost out of my chest as I glanced back at the book. 'This has to be it. It's the only chance I'm going to get. After all I've done, after how far I've pushed it… there's no way in hell I can go any further.' I swallowed heavily. 'Here's hoping that it'll be enough.'

I exchanged hesitant looks with Soundbite before he steeled his expression and nodded firmly. I then removed him from my shoulder and placed him on the desk. I stared at him for a moment before starting to pace again. "Viewers? I would like to take a brief… intermission, if you will, to make a statement of a personal nature. Or rather… not so much a statement as a question."

I sucked in a deep breath before forcing a manic grin to stretch on my face for effect, while at the same time struggling to keep the desperation out of my voice; out of all of those listening right now, there was only one who would comprehend the true meaning of my message.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the world… I hope I don't need to recount what I've done today. You've all heard it, and unless you have the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer's, you all remember it. So, in light of that, I'd like to ask you all—and especially the one responsible for bringing me to this moment—a question."

I suddenly jerked at the desk and slammed my hands on either side of Soundbite, glaring him dead in the eyes. "Are you not entertained?" I demanded.

And then… silence.

Utter silence.

I waited for the longest minute of my life before Soundbite shook his head with a grimace and I allowed my head to hang, sighing despondently as I put my little gray buddy back on my shoulder. "Sorry about that, viewers, that was… that was something personal. Anyways, let's… just keep moving on, shall we?"

The double meaning of my words made Lassoo and Soundbite cringe, and while I started melancholically weighing just how much value I put in my… current lifestyle, I turned the black book's page. "Alright, let's see, what's next on the menu… huh, ironic. Operation Famine. Smuggling ring here in Paradise, CP9 sent in to eviscerate them, the objective of their operation was—!"

My words died in my throat as I read the next words, followed swiftly by the rest of the report. My comrades remained frozen for what felt like the longest of times as we all processed what we were reading before I slowly managed to turn my head to the side to look at Soundbite, who was staring at me with an equally poleaxed look.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I whispered numbly.

Soundbite slowly shook his head, eyes wide in disbelief. "It's… It's insane. SO FAR OUT THERE, the chances of this actually WORKING—!"

"Are you telling me that this is a fucking coincidence!?" I hissed desperately. "That we find something like this—" I slammed my finger on the entry. "Moments after we called them out, after we called their bluff!? Are you saying that this isn't their M.O. to a T!?"

"It… It does fit, I guess…" Lassoo said hesitantly. "But Cross, if this doesn't work—!"

"It has to, damn it!" I snarled. "It's all that we have left! It's this, or… or…" I bit my lip in an effort to fight back the panic that was starting to pound within me, and not the good kind.

"…Alright, fine, so be it…" the dog-cannon sighed wearily. "But… even if it could work, the fact remains that we need 'it' in the first place." He jerked his head at the rest of the room. "Where the hell do you propose we look? You already searched this place from top to bottom, and it's not like we're made of time at the moment."

"Ah…" I found myself drawn up short as I looked over the ransacked office. "W-Well, I… I-I guess if we—!"

"I'll find it."

"Eh?" I blinked at Soundbite in confusion. "Are you sure? Do you want us to help or—?"

"Shut up already," Soundbite snapped. "I'LL find it, end of discussion. JUST LET ME CONCENTRATE."

I promptly locked my jaws shut as I watched Soundbite screw his eyes shut. The seconds ticked by, but it wasn't long before he opened his eyes again, a dull look in his gaze. "To the right of the desk, seventh stone from the wall, where the sword normally stands."

I only gawked for a second before Soundbite snapped a glare to me, forcing me into motion so that I was following his instructions. Upon reaching the indicated stone, I made to grab Soundbite off my shoulder—

"Don't," Soundbite warned me off. "He's boobytrapped this one, it'll self-destruct if we force it. He didn't do it on the last one because he didn't want to risk destroying it by accident. Slide it into the surrounding stone instead."

I glanced at him in surprise before laying my palm on the stone and doing as he said, sliding it around enough for me to move it a bit and work my fingers in and push it out of the way, exposing yet another safe. This one, though, only had a single dial on it.

"…let me take a flying guess, 19-16-1-14-4-1-13?" I deadpanned as I started fiddling with the knob.

"Hang on, that spells… A, B, C…" Lassoo muttered under his breath.

I input the last number and turned the handle, clicking the door open.

"Spandam," Soundbite deadpanned.

"God bless predictable bastards like him…" I whispered as I pulled the safe's door open.

Within was a single item, but it was all that I needed. I withdrew the contents, a small half-foot-cubed chest, with shaky hands and after a moment's hesitation, opened it to observe its sole content.

I… could do nothing more than stare at it, as did Soundbite and Lassoo.

"…so, that's it, huh?" Lassoo whispered reverentially.

"Yeah…" I nodded slowly before glancing at Soundbite. "This… This'll do it?"

"I… ah… I-I don't…" Soundbite hedged uncomfortably as he relaxed somewhat. "I don't know. IT'S TOO HARD TO… ALL I CAN SAY is that it's real. BEYOND THAT…" He shrugged as much as he could. "YOUR GUESS is as good as mine."

I hesitated briefly before scowling and slamming the lid shut. "That's good enough." I then stood up and snapped my fingers before rolling my index, which prompted Soundbite to produce an electronic whine. "Everyone, it's Cross. I just found—!"

KABOOM!

"—FUCK-MOTHERING GRIZZLY MAGNUM P.I. ON A KIT-KAT BAR!" I cursed wildly as I spun my arms in a desperate attempt to keep my footing as the entire fucking tower was shaken by an explosion!

"NOW THAT would be A FIND!" Soundbite snickered.

"WHO THE HELL JUST CAME THIS CLOSE TO KNOCKING EVERYONE IN THE LOOSE HALF OF THE TOWER INTO THE FUCKING ABYSS!?" I roared indignantly, trusting Soundbite to broadcast my voice for me.

"M-My bad—ERGH!—Cross."

My anger immediately evaporated into nothingness when I was answered by a thoroughly pained voice, along with Soundbite coughing up a mouthful of blood.

"Chopper?" I breathed numbly.

"S-Sorry about that, everyone…" the reindeer wheezed miserably, coughing up more blood in the process. "I used another Ch-Cherry Blossom—ACK!—Blast B-Blizzard. It was s-stupid, b-b-but I d-didn't have any other choice…"

"Shit, Kumadori?" I ground the heel of my palm into my forehead. "Damn it, I'm sorry, Chopper, I thought that with your new arsenal—!"

"N-Not your fault, Cross…" Chopper groaned in defeat. "B-Between my Cherry B-Blossom arsenal a-and my new h-high quality Rumble Balls, I-I had him right on the edge." He shook his head with a grimace. "T-Then he made a r-run for it and got to the k-kitchen." He chuckled grimly. "I-I'm afraid that I underestimated w-what you meant when you said h-he'd mastered b-biofeedback."

I sucked in a breath. "He pulled a Luffy, didn't he? He snapped back to all cylinders in an instant—!"

"While I was left r-running on fumes…" Chopper sighed. "I-I'm sorry about the blast, i-it was that or e-end up a sieve, I-I didn't think—!"

"Don't apologize for saving your own life, Chopper, never apologize for that!" I interrupted. "You did what you had to do, no one can fault you for that, nobody at all!"

"…T-Thanks for that, Cross…" our doctor grinned miserably. "B-But please, don't stop me from apologizing for w-what I'm about to do next…" His expression shifted to a combination of a scowl and a grimace. "B-Because I'm about to break a lot of promises I m-made to myself and to D-Doctorine."

I grimaced. So… it had come to this after all. Damn it. "Fine… but remember this: No regrets. We won't let you hurt any of us, we won't let you do anything bad. When you do it… do it with a clear conscience, alright?"

Chopper was silent for a moment, before smiling gratefully, tears of joy sliding down his face. "R-Roger that, T-Third Mate C-Cross…"

"Cross, WHAT'S GOING ON?" Zoro snarled.

"Chopper's using his last resort, his trump card… his berserker form," I said grimly. I ran a quick headcount before grimacing at the conclusion I drew. "Franky, I really hope that those upgrades you mentioned are as super as you say, because you're the only person available who can contain Chopper once he takes down Kumadori."

"I'm just putting on the finishing touches now, Cross, I'll be SUPER! ready to go in two minutes!"

"You have one," I corrected bluntly.

There was a moment of hesitation, then… "I'll be done in thirty seconds. What do I need to do?"

I took a moment to smirk victoriously. Oh, yeah, now that was the SUPER! shipwright I knew.

"J-Just knock me into the sea…" Chopper groaned. "I'm going to be sending my D-Devil Fruit into o-overdrive. T-The sea will stop me."

"Got it. Just leave it to me, guys! Your friend'll be safe with me!"

"Heh… heheh… s-sorry to disappoint you, Franky, b-but the thing is?"

"YOYOI! Theeeere you aaaare! It's tiiiime that I end this!"

Chopper screwed his expression up. "I'm not who you should be worried about." A moment of silence, and then…

"RUMBLE."

CRUNCH!

I slashed my hand across my neck, prompting Soundbite to cut the line. Not that it did much good, however, seeing as the next second…

"GWROOOOOOAAAARGH!"

The Tower of Justice was shaken by a bone-rattling roar of primal fury, and then the smash of something going through several floors in the space of an instant.

"…wow, the little guy is seriously out of his mind, isn't he?" Franky muttered nervously.

"Completely and utterly, and he's not even remotely little anymore, either," I snarled as I wheeled on my heel. "Right, playtime is over, I'm gonna grab the blackbook and—!" I interrupted myself with a choked cry of shock as I reeled back, on account of me finally noticing the presence of the absolute last individual I would have expected to see in this situation.

Hattori responded by cocking his head to the side, regarding me with a curious, if avian, look. "And… do what exactly?" he queried. "Do speak up, boy, I so hate it when thoughts are left incomplete, it just…" He ruffled his feathers. "Irks me, you know?"

"…Guys, I'm gonna have to call you back," I muttered under my breath before glancing at Soundbite. "James Spader?"

"Felt appropriate," he muttered back before raising his voice. "And for the record, I don't feel impotent anymore. NOW I JUST FEEL PISSED."

"Oh, don't worry, I take no offense," the pigeon said dismissively. "After all, my species is renowned for being something of a pest, and as a being who lacks a spine on a biological level, it's only to be expected that you feel constantly helpless!"

Soundbite twitched furiously on my shoulder, but a warning look from me was enough to silence him before I refocused on the pigeon. "So… Hattori. What brings you all the way up here?"

"Well, first and foremost, I'll be dealing with this," he replied, tapping his talon on the black book, which I only just now realized he was standing on. "Particular breach in operational security. Terribly embarrassing, to be honest, a rookie mistake. But one we should have seen coming, I suppose, what with who our director is…" He trailed off for a moment before slapping his head with a chuckle. "Oh, right, terribly sorry, I almost forgot. I'm also here to kill you, of course." The last line was delivered without missing a beat, as though he were discussing the weather.

I swallowed nervously as I fought to keep calm. "Is that so?" I managed to get out.

For all that I was keeping myself marginally calm on the outside, inside my mind was awhirl. In all honesty, I hadn't even considered Hattori to be a possible factor in matters, but really, I should have have known better. Like it or not, the bird was a part of CP9, and doubtless had some training, one way or another. Silly to consider, sure, but considering the current situation, and the fact that half of my crewmates were animals and most of those were self-sufficient? Not a chance of me counting it out yet. Still, he was just a pigeon, so with any luck…

"So, I'm curious…" I started slowly, trying to keep my voice steady, even as I inched one of my feet towards the door. "Did Spandam order this or…?"

If I could just get out of this wide-open room—

And then my face proceeded to split open.

I blinked in surprise as I watched the blood gush before my eyes. "What the—?"

Aaaand then the pain hit me.

"ARGH!"

"CROSS!" Soundbite and Lassoo chorused.

"To answer your question…" Hattori kept his tone of voice even as he inspected his wingtips, totally uncaring as I fell to my knees and clutched the fucking trench in my face with a howl of pain. "It was actually Lucci who gave me this assignment. He wanted to guarantee that you didn't walk away from this island alive. Or at all, really. I'm only too happy to oblige."

"Big words from A PIGEON!" Soundbite retorted.

The pigeon cocked his head to the side before chuckling dryly. "This coming from the snail? Really now, Soundbite, is that the best you have to offer? That little barb failed to meet even my admittedly low expectations," he stated. "I do hope that's not your A-game. I accepted this assignment because I was hoping for things to be at least a little interesting, after all, and it certainly wasn't because of Cross."

"You damn—!"

"Shut it…" I bit out through my pain. Because damn, this shit hurt like hell, the bastard had torn my face open from cheek to cheek and all but cut my damn nose in half! I'd be lucky if I'd ever be able to smell anything but blood again, damn it!

Currently, my mind was awhirl as I berated myself for being so fucking stupid! What the hell did it matter if Hattori was a pigeon, he was a pigeon owned and trained by Rob Lucci! I'd forgotten to take into account the fact that that bastard wouldn't have let his pet be anything less than the perfect feathered killing machine, and all because I was so stupid stupid stupid, damn it!

"And that's even more dull," Hattori sighed, sounding genuinely disappointed. "Honestly now, if you're going to insist on boring me, I might as well get on to business."

So saying, the pigeon flapped his wings in order to lift a few feet above the desk—

"Tempest Wing."

Before flapping one of his wings extra-hard. I flinched and snapped my gauntlets up, bracing for pain, but I wasn't the aim of the attack.

Instead, Spandam's desk all but split in half, and what little remained of some of the most valuable pages in the world fluttered out the window and into the waiting abyss below.

I swear I felt something die in me as I took in the sight of what had once been a gold mine of information; I hadn't even made it through half of the book, and now it was useless. But… in the end, I couldn't really complain. It had served its purpose, however brief; I had what I needed most, and there was no doubt that I had spilled enough dirt to be earthshaking.

Now I just needed to stay alive long enough to actually capitalize on it.

"Please tell ME YOU HAVE A PLAN, CROSS!" Soundbite stage-whispered.

"Don't die?" I offered weakly.

For a moment, the snail was silent. "A bit vague, BUT I LIKE IT."

"Yes, I suppose it is elegant in its simplicity, isn't it?" Hattori admitted with a nod before drawing his wings back. "Too bad it's utterly implausible. Tempest—!"

"EEEEEEEEE!"

Suddenly, Soundbite let out a shrill screech, almost like a siren, distracting all of us.

"OWOWOWOW! T-Too loud, too strong!" the snail wailed miserably, "I-I-I can't st-stop IT! H-HE DID IT! THAT BASTARD, HE USED THE GOLDEN SNAIL!"

Then Soundbite's expression mutated into a familiar scowl. "Oh, now I pick the right snail. Not that it matters anymore, there's no turning back now! I've pushed the button! Of all things… I'VE TRIGGERED THE BUSTER CALL!"

"And he just broadcast that fact to the entire island, if not the world," Hattori observed dryly as he landed back on the remains of the desk. "Good God, how has anyone so utterly devoid of intelligence managed to live so long?"

"Mother-fucking miracles, is how," I bit out venomously as I pinched my nose together.

"HONK honk," Soundbite scoffed.

"Still," I raised my voice as I glared at the pigeon. "Any chance of calling a truce just long enough for me to utterly annihilate any chance of Spandam not having the book—nay, the entire library—thrown at him when this mess is over and done with?"

Hattori regarded me for a few moments before casually waving his wing. "Oh, why not? Not as though you have any chance of escaping. And I will admit, I'm interested to see if you can arrange for his grave to be dug any deeper than it already is."

"Watch and be amazed," I smirked before looking at Soundbite, taking the opportunity to dig the stock of salve-soaked bandages Chopper had given me out of my jacket. "Can you connect to the snail he's talking through and get a message to Robin?"

"Eh…" Soundbite waved his eyestalks side to side. "HE'S OUT OF my range… ah, but one of the MICROPHONE USERS ISN'T! Just let me—GOT HER!"

"Robin, we're on our way, and we're still broadcasting live!" I said. "I've already all but signed the bastard's arrest warrant, but I want to see if we can't push the buck a little farther! Get him talking!"

It was a true credit to Robin's professionalism that she didn't even hesitate, though the panic in her voice was, unfortunately, not faked in the slightest. "You have to cancel it right away! Don't you realize what you've done? Everyone is going to die!"

"Cancel it? Ha! Who do you think you're talking to!? What's wrong with a Buster Call, anyway?" Spandam snarled, quickly regaining his composure, as well as his raging ego. "Yes… Yes, this is fine, I'm perfectly authorized to do this! I'm the Chief of Cipher Pol No. 9, after all! To ensure that your transfer went over smoothly, I requested a Buster Call. There's nothing at all wrong with that! Who cares if it's a little overkill? Better safe than sorry; I'm sure Sengoku will agree that it's a small price to pay to get rid of these pirates!"

"You… You're more than a fool, you're insane!" Robin gasped fearfully. "I told you before, that won't be the end of it! This is an attack without mercy, without humanity! The Buster Call will burn everything on Enies Lobby to the ground! The buildings, the people, even the island itself! It will sacrifice anything and everything in its path! The nightmare won't end until nothing remains! That's the power you're invoking! I've seen it all with my own eyes, I've told you what happened on Ohara twenty years ago! You would sacrifice the lives of everyone here, and all for what!? For a weapon!?"

"Yesss…" Spandam hissed, and going by his tone of voice it sounded like he was standing on the edge. "The Government is well aware of the sacrifices involved, that's how important this mission is! With all the bad publicity we're already receiving, we can't afford to make a mistake. You're the last hope we have of reviving the Ancient Weapon! Poetic, isn't it? Destruction in order to bring about even greater destruction! The spark needed to ignite the engine of one of the greatest weapons in all history! Those few thousand soldiers should be honored, their souls will be the kindling for the blaze that will burn all evil out of this world! And besides, if they couldn't even do their job and keep your little friends from coming this far and humiliating the World Government as they have, they're better off dead! And the same goes for CP9!"

"You complete and utter madman… Do you even understand a fraction of what you're talking about!? The Pluton is a power far beyond your comprehension, beyond anyone's comprehension, even mine! What was written on that Poneglyph…" I could hear the shudder in Robin's voice. "Was nothing short of pure evil! I couldn't forget it even if I wanted to, because it haunts my dreams every night! Do you see what I'm trying to say!? You could destroy the entire world that you're trying to secure it for! Does it mean nothing to you that your efforts could reduce the World Government to nothing?"

"Reduce it to nothing? Hmm…" A demented smile slowly spread across Spandam's face. "Yes, it does have that kind of power, doesn't it? You know, I could actually take advantage of that! With that kind of power, I could join the Five Elder Stars… or even replace them! Spandam, king of the entire world! WAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

Right, this shitshow's coming to a stop, now. "Hey, leatherface, guess what?" I sang innocently.

"HAHAHA—eh? What the—?"

"You're on candid-snail, my friend," I sneered.

"BUUU~STEEE~D!" Soundbite howled with a cackle.

Hattori watched with unconcealed amusement as Soundbite mirrored Spandam's own expression of abject horror—

"Er… by the way, this is, er, Straw Hat Luffy speaking."

"I WOULDN'T BUY THAT IF IT WAS ON SALE, DIPSHIT!"

—before his expression fell flat as the entire island shouted at him.

"Honestly, now?" Hattori groaned, his wing meeting his face. "Good God, I'm actually getting a migraine. Honestly, I wasn't even aware that pigeons could get migra—!"

He suddenly cut himself off and lashed his wing out, causing me to skid to a halt with a choked curse as the resulting razor wind carved a chunk out of the staircase railing before me.

"Nice try," he drawled. "But quite simply no. Now then—!"

"Dot dot dot dot!"

He gave Soundbite a thoroughly unimpressed look. "Really? Now, of all times?"

"Hey, trust—dot dot dot dot!—me, I get where YOU'RE COMING FROM! NOT RIGHTdot dot dot dot!—NOW, OBVIOUSLY, BUT—!"

"Oh, just pick it up already," he ordered me with a dry look.

"Yeah yeah, on it," I grumbled as I dug through my bag.

"Dot dot dot—KA-LICK!"

Soundbite promptly began shining golden, the rage palpable across the connection… and a demented smile on his face. Hattori actually flinched back, as did I.

"OHHH, SPAAANDAAAM?!" came the horrifying voice of Fleet Admiral Sengoku, who seemed to have cracked from the way his slasher grin and voice were tremoring. "I HAVE NEW ORDERS FOR YOU, STRAIGHT FROM THE FIVE ELDER STARS: RETURN TO MARINE HEADQUARTERS IMMEDIATELY TO RECEIVE, AND I QUOTE THE ELDER STARS THEMSELVES, 'EVERYTHING YOU HAVE COMING TO YOU.' AND HEAVEN HELP YOU IF NICO ROBIN ISN'T WITH YOU WHEN YOU GET HERE."

Spandam hesitated for a scant moment before whatever delusion he was laboring under reaffirmed itself and he nodded dutifully. "Y-Yes, sir! HURRY UP, YOU! DOUBLE-TIME! YOU ARE TO BEAR WITNESS TO ME RECEIVING MY JUST REWARDS!"

Robin grunted slightly before gritting her teeth and glancing to the side. "Well, isn't this a fine development?" she muttered underneath her breath. "Now I'm actually half-tempted to go along with him just so that I can see the results."

"WHAT WAS THAT YOU—Ah, wait a second, I'd better hang up now before—CLICK!"

"ARGH!" Soundbite yelped. "WRONG ONE, ASSWIPE!"

"BITE ME, YOU LITTLE—KA-LICK!"

I would have to have been the absolute biggest idiot on the face of the planet to speak up at that moment.

"May I suggest awarding him the Darwin Award once he arrives?"

Which, of course, meant that I had to.

Sound-Goku snapped a twitching glare at me for a second before his grin widened. "Ah, yes. Jeremiah Cross," the Fleet Admiral said in a voice of calm best compared to the void between stars. "The biggest fucking aggravation in my career, if not my life. I have only one thing to say to you."

There was a pause and then—

Holy-fucking-hell-giant-golden-GOD!

I had to fight tooth and nail to keep my knees from buckling.

"I'm coming for you. KA-LICK!"

I took a moment to pant and get my heartbeat back under control. "Fucking Conqueror's…" I muttered. I then shot a somewhat hysterical grin at Soundbite. "Wonder whose is stronger, his or Garp the Hero's?"

Soundbite replied to the grin with a flat look. "I'd say you have issues, but that fruit's so LOW HANGING the chickens HAVE BEEN PECKING AT IT."

"Oh, please," Hattori drawled. "I doubt there's enough left of that particular fruit after how much you ate to feed a worm. I do believe I'm actually doing you a favor by killing you now, before the Buddha arrives."

So saying, the menacing pigeon strolled forward, advancing on my talking snail, my bazooka-dog, and myself as I racked my brains for a way out of the bisected thirty-story Tower of Justice.

"…My life is so warped," I muttered as I ran the aforementioned situation through my head. I then froze as I realized the truth behind my words: I was in a crazy situation… so why not employ an utterly crazy solution?

And so, it was without a hint of hesitation that I planted my arms behind me and hoisted myself onto the bannister, balancing between certain death and the void.

Hattori stopped in his tracks, blinking at me in honest surprise. "You're mad," he stated matter-of-factly.

I chuckled as I scratched the back of my head. "To paraphrase Will Turner's dubiously good friend Jack Sparrow—!"

"CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!"

"Yes, yes, Captain Jack Sparrow, thank you…" I allowed an absolutely maniacal grin to spread across my face. "Good thing I am, because otherwise this would probably never work."

And with that, I tipped backwards and allowed myself to plummet, freefalling for a total of three seconds until I grabbed a handle at my side and yanked.

"AAAAaaaaAAAA!" Soundbite hollered as a rope shot from my waist and latched onto one of the balconies I'd passed.

The next second, the rope snapped taut and I grunted with exertion as I swung into the wall, only my greaves and my training saving my legs from shattering on impact. "And people do this for fun?" I demanded as I unlatched myself from the line and dropped down to the landing below me.

"You certainly do!" Lassoo snickered.

I paused as I contemplated that before nodding. "Fair point. Anyway, Usopp!" I raised my voice meaningfully as dug a spare spool of rope from my bag and started fiddling with my belt. "Thanks for letting me hang onto this thing after Skypiea, but do you think you could walk me through replacing the lines again? And while I've got you, how are things going? Has Robin reached the Bridge yet?"

"Ah, not yet! But I have been giving the Marines hell. Only problem is that there are a lot of them and they're pulling out riot shields, so the best I can do is keep them pinned."

"That's better than any of us at this point, so nice work, Sniper King!" I chuckled. "Anyways, those instructions?"

"Pull out the ripcord and twist the base clockwise to eject it, then insert the new one and twist it in counterclockwise," Usopp recited.

"Pull-twist-twist…" I muttered as I followed his orders and replaced the reels. "Alright, got it, thanks. Back to work."

"Yeah, I'm on—Oh, a reflection! EAT THIS! SPECIAL ATTACK: LEAD STAR!"

"Knock 'em dead, Usopp!" I called up before looking at my companions. "Alright, you guys ready?"

"Do we have a choice?" Lassoo snorted.

"Not really, the feather-rat is GETTING SUSPICIOUS!" Soundbite yelped.

I bit out a curse and hastily sprung into action. First, I launched my grappling hook's anchor into the floor, burying its head in the stone, and then I got onto the railing and hung myself over the edge by the line. Thankfully, I was on an extended balcony, so I would be dropping into the middle of the stairwell.

"Here we go!" I grunted as I jumped out and started falling down the shaft again, my descent controlled by an automatic brake Usopp had installed in the belt while I kept a hand on the line in order to keep my balance.

I warily scanned the shaft leading up to the roof as I descended. "Any idea if he's coming, or—?"

"NOW!"

Exactly on cue, a dart of white popped into sight and shot down at us, zipping back and forth as it honed in.

I didn't even hesitate to snap my arm up when the killer pigeon got near. "Gastro-Flash!" I ordered, flexing my palm.

Thankfully, the resulting blast of light and sound forced Hattori to divert his course of descent, following which he shot past me without stopping. Of course, a glance downwards was all I needed to confirm that he'd almost immediately pulled a 180 and was shooting back up at us, which I wasn't going to let fly. Pun mostly not intended.

"Gastro-Phony!"

"SUCK IT!" Soundbite snapped before roaring out an ear-rending cacophony. The resultant blare forced Hattori to swerve and give us a wide berth before wheeling around above us.

"Alright, now unless I miss my guess, he's now going to try to…" I was answered by Hattori slashing his wing at my line. The razor wind hit the rope and caused reverberations to course up and down it, but other than a few shakes, nothing actually came of it.

"NICE TRY!" I called up to the avian aggressor. "BUT I HAD USOPP BUY SOME SPOOLS OF REINFORCED ROPE WHILE WE WERE IN WATER 7! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT!"

"You realize that that's only going to piss him off, right?" Lassoo groaned darkly.

I shrugged in means of reply. "Hey, he's going to try and end us anyway, not like I'm making things any worse. And 'sides, you're the one who's going to keep him from killing us in the first place."

"What!? How the heck am I gonna do that!?"

At that moment, Hattori swerved down at us and lashed out yet another rippling wave of air at us.

"Like this!" I grit out as I unslung Lassoo and pointed his muzzle dead ahead. "Cani-Blast!"

Lassoo didn't even hesitate to belt out the pillar of fire, the kickback from which swung me backwards, out of the path of the bird's attack and into the Tower's wall.

I dug my fingers into a cleft in the tower's stonework, letting myself hang and catch my breath for a moment before I nodded firmly. "Alright… Alright, now we get serious. Hang on tight!" And with that, I leapt out and to the side, swinging out of the way of yet another Tempest Wing.

"Lassoo, can you adjust the fuse of your baseballs yourself?" I asked as I landed on another wall.

The dog-gun frowned in thought for a moment, and then grinned. "I can do you one better, Cross," he said. "Watch this!"

And with that, he angled his head and spat out a baseball that would have blown the stupid pigeon to feathers had it been properly aimed, as it exploded mere feet behind him. I was quite gratified to see Hattori flail a bit mid-flight.

"OK, keep that up!" I said as I leapt out again. Then I frowned as I noticed him suddenly swooping in loop-de-loops. "What's he—? Oh, shi—Cani-Blast!"

Lassoo barked out another pillar of flame, sending us off to the far-side of the shaft and not a moment too soon, judging from the fact that the wall where I'd been standing earlier suddenly turned into swiss-fucking-cheese!

"Of course Lucci taught his pigeon the Flying Finger Pistol!" I roared in frustration. "Of course he did, because it would be too easy if he only knew one ranged attack!"

"Shouldn't that BE Flying Beak Pistol?" Soundbite pointed out innocently.

"Not the time, you little—!"

"STOP!"

I instinctively swung Lassoo around and braced at his warning shout, the cannonball he vomited up bringing us to a halt mere inches from the incoming Tempest Wing that would have intercepted us otherwise.

"That was way too close," I whimpered, before hastily blasting myself back to the wall and running around the shaft as a Flying Nose—Beak—whatever nearly clipped my shoulder.

"Lassoo!" I howled.

"Hold still for just a minute!" he barked, before chuffing. "Gotcha! Cani-Cannon Barrage: Ack-Ack Edition!"

I braced myself as Lassoo rammed into my shoulder, going full rapid-fire as explosion after explosion rocked the stairwell. While I didn't hear a squawk of avian death, I also didn't have to dodge any more air-pressure attacks, so I decided to call it a win. After a few minutes, though, I felt the explosions taper off and then stop entirely.

"He's pulled up and I can't aim that high," Lassoo growled in answer to the unspoken question.

"Wait, he wha—? Shit," I spat as I stared upwards after the feathered menace. "He finally got wise and decided to go for our anchor, and there's fuck-all we can do to stop him!"

Suddenly we jerked to a stop.

"NOT THAT IT MATTERS, considering we're out of rope," Soundbite noted with a nervous chuckle.

Gritting my teeth, I glanced downward, hoping for something to get us out of this mess. The only things I saw were that the nearest stair-landing was far enough down that a drop would break my legs and a bloodied Blueno Moon…walk…ing…

I took a second to blink in shock at the sight of Blueno hovering in the air and frantically looking around before grinning as an idea popped into my head.

"Guys, fair warning, I'm about to do something really stupid," I notified them matter-of-factly.

"What else is new?" they scoffed.

"Yeah, well, this is going to be particularly bad," I said casually. And with my partners sufficiently warned, I aimed Lassoo above me… and unlatched the rope. "CANI-BLAST!"

It took more gymnastics than I was normally capable of and I'm almost certain that I pulled something in the process, but the end result was the same: Lassoo's blast launched me downwards and I was able to slam my foot—!

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

"Wha—?"

CRUNCH!

"GWAH!"

Dead-center in Blueno's face.

I held my position balancing on the bull-haired man's face for a second before leaping forward and jumping to the stairwell.

I panted heavily as I fought to catch my breath before shooting a finger up into the air. "And all that!" I announced in a grandiose tone of voice. "While stone-cold sober!"

"GRGH—!" Blueno cursed for a second as he nursed his shattered nose before directing a murderous glare at me, somehow still maintaining his Moonwalk. "Cross, you damn son of a—!"

"We interrupt this worthless death-threat for a breaking news story: CP9 agent with a Power Level of 820 proven to be useless against Gastro-Phony!"

"MORE AT ELEVEN!" Soundbite boomed.

Blueno blinked dumbly at us. "Wha—?" Then Soundbite's ear-rending roar hit him dead-on. He snapped his hands to his ears, and promptly dropped like a stone when he forgot to keep his legs kicking.

I glanced over the edge of the railing and cocked an eyebrow. "Well, that was easy."

"It's a sad day for CP9 when a pigeon is more threatening than a bull," Lassoo sighed.

That brought me up short as I thought things over. "…Good grief. I'm fighting a pigeon, I just kicked a bull in the face, and a giraffe cut this entire tower in half. Zoro was right, this place is a zoo!"

"Enies Lobby, THE MOST MAGICAL PLACE IN THE GRAND LINE!" Soundbite cackled.

I groaned as I ground the bridge of my nose. "Damn, now my memories will forever be tainted… anyway, let's get moving and—!"

CLONK!

"Ow!" I flinched as I felt something smack the back of my head, something that probably would have hurt a lot more if this were a few months ago. I glanced back and identified that it was a rock that had hit me, prompting me to blink in confusion before looking around to see who could have thrown it. I then began to question my perception of reality when I caught sight of two pebbles floating in mid-air and tapping against one another.

"…Soundbite, can I blame you for this?" I asked only slightly desperately.

"TOO MUCH CREDIT! And that's no delusion, that's morse code, it's SANJI!"

"Say what!?"

"Yeah, and he's sayin'…" Lassoo narrowed his eyes as he followed the tapping. "'Stay. Out. Of. This. Cross.'"

I felt my eyes twitch before I crossed my arms and scowled. "Get off my case, Combat Cook, I needed a safe way to the stairs and he was my best option! And anyway…" I smirked tauntingly. "Shouldn't you be going after him rather than staying here yapping at me?"

The pebbles flinched and hastily tapped out something I suspected was distinctly insulting before they dove over the edge.

I watched them for a second before exchanging glances with Lassoo. "Not even going to question it, you?"

"Nope," he shook his head flatly.

"Good," Soundbite barked just as the line I'd been dropping on fell past us. "Because the FEATHER-RAT IS ON THE MOVE AGAIN! RUN!"

I decided to follow that excellent advice and run like hell.

-o-

"And three… two… one…" Vivi counted down under her breath as she watched the second-hand on her watch tick away before nodding firmly and snapping it shut. "It's been five minutes, Luffy and Lucci should be well into it. I doubt we'll get a better chance than this." She glanced over her shoulder at Conis and Su. "Are you ready?"

Conis nodded in agreement as she adjusted her goggles before wrapping her arms around Vivi's waist. "Ready and willing!"

"Su!" Su concurred as she dug her claws into her owner's back.

Vivi then turned her attention to her Carue. "Ready for this, Carue?"

The supersonic spot-billed duck snorted firmly as he snapped his visor down over his eyes. "Quack."

"Alright, then…" Vivi grit her teeth as she wrapped her hands in her partner's reins. "Let's do this!" She gave the reins a firm snap. "HEEYAH!"

"QUAAACK!" Carue squawked loudly as he started tearing down the tunnel at breakneck speeds.

The duck and his riders had left Luffy and had been waiting more than a kilometer away from the Bridge of Hesitation.

Carue cleared that distance and tore into the Bridge's warehouse in less than twenty seconds.

To most anyone else entering the room, it would appear as though there was some sort of malevolent haze ripping the room apart. This would be on account of Luffy having gathered that he would only be able to beat Lucci by going all-out straight off the bat and Lucci eagerly meeting him in turn. The result was their forms being barely visible as they—a lobster-red rubber man and a menacing anthropomorphic leopard in a black suit—matched blows and otherwise rendered themselves as barely colored blurs in the air.

Carue, however, was not most anybody. He was a Supersonic Duck, and in order to properly cope and process their environments while running at their maximum speeds, Supersonic Ducks had evolved so that no matter how fast they moved, their brains would automatically speed up and allow them to keep up and not crash into anything.

The end result of this miracle of nature was that where Vivi, Conis and Su only saw an unintelligible nothing, Carue was at least able to follow Luffy and Lucci as they flashed around the room, pummeling, parrying, dodging and overall performing a danse macabre in all but song.

The duck had almost made it halfway the storeroom when suddenly the world froze around him—right in the instant where he was in midair, between one step and the next—as his abject terror ramped his mental dilation into overdrive.

The reason for his terror was the fact that, at the moment, there was a 12-foot tall leopard-human towering above him. One of said leopard-human's hands was held out in such a way so as to deflect the crimson fist trying to slam into his head, and the other…

Carue felt like his heart was about to pound out of his chest as he watched the other clawed hand swipe down towards his head. To him it looked like the hand was moving slowly, but he knew, he knew that if it made contact, then it would swipe off both his and Vivi's heads in a single, clean, utterly unhindered motion.

As certain death slowly but certainly inched towards his head, Carue found himself doing the only thing he could: reiterating the mantra that he'd adopted almost a week earlier, reciting it in every instance of training he'd performed with Vivi.

'One second,' he frantically repeated, over and over. 'One second one second one second one second—!'

Carue could see his own reflection in Lucci's claws, and he was right about to lose control of his bowels. Then Vivi entered the reflection as well, and something in Carue's mind just clicked.

'One second…'

The very tip of Carue's talon touched down on the floor.

'One second. Ten steps, all in one second… TO SHAVE!'

And then Carue moved.

Rob Lucci snarled out a curse as his claws whiffed through the air, his quarry disappearing from his sight so fast that all that he was left with were a few stray feathers and the tail-end of a furious "—AAAAAACK."

"Damn pira—!"

The assassin only had a second to fume over his failure before a fist smashed into his face and sent him crashing him into the wall, following which he was wrenched right back into the greatest fight of his entire life.

-o-

I fought to control my breathing as I glanced around a corner on the Tower's ground floor. I scanned the hallway before me and came up with jack-diddly in ways of killer pigeons. It looked for all the world like I had a straight shot to the Tower's back dock, but at the moment that meant all of jack-squat to me, and for a damn good reason.

"Still no luck on finding the damn feather-rat?" I hissed to Soundbite.

He snarled darkly as he shook his head. "Not a one. I don't want to give any credit to THESE BASTARDS, but where their stealth skills are CONCERNED, IT'S DUE. I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS, SORRY."

I tsked softly at that as I hesitantly eyed the Bridge in the distance. "Alright… alright… Lassoo, how far would you say it is to the dock?"

"Eh…" Lassoo cocked his head to the side, eyeing the distance. "Fifty-five, fifty meters, give or take? Either way, the architects got their money's worth off of these blueprints."

I groaned miserably at the prospect as I felt my legs flare up miserably, and not because of my fondued muscles. "Ah… alright… so running out there would just be stupid, so… so let's start with you belting out a load of smoke to fill the corridor, and then, ah, ah… Soundbite! Yeah, Soundbite, you fill the corridor with Gastro-Phony, and then I'll, ah, I'll—!"

"Alright, what's with the stuttering?" Soundbite demanded impatiently. "That corridor IS A LEGITIMATE KILLBOX, WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING RIGHT INTO IT!?"

I flinched self-consciously before shooting a shaky grin over my shoulder. "Haaave I ever told you two that I really hated P.E. class in school?"

My partners' expressions promptly fell flat. "Seriously?" they deadpanned.

I plastered a sheepish grin on my face as I rubbed the back of my head. "Running the mile, specifically. I mean, sure, my adrenaline's running pretty high, but I just don't think that running a straight line like this is the best course of action. I mean, come on, I'm the tactician here, and since I know the opponent, I'm sure I can come up with a few dozen plans to circumvent—!"

"Oh, for the love of God, will you please shut up?"

"NOW THAT'S MOTIVATION!" I yelped in panic as I shot out from behind the corner and made a break for it, pumping my legs as fast as I possibly could.

To my credit, I actually managed to make it a little under halfway.

"Tempest Wing."

SKRANG!

The attack splashed across my heel, sending me tumbling ass over teakettle. It was a considerable comfort that I had my armor on and that said armor was thick as hell, because otherwise I would have fit a really inconvenient stereotype. But considering that it left me wide open for another attack, that comfort was as cold as they came.

And it got even colder when I started to push myself to my feet and was forced to freeze when I wound up staring down the damn bird's wing.

"I'm terribly sorry for my rudeness, but honestly now," Hattori drawled. "There's only so much inane jibber jabber a sane being can take at a time. Really, I do believe I can see where your navigator comes from whenever she does the world a favor by shutting you up."

"YOU SHIT-FEATHERED—AGH!" Soundbite's vicious snarling was cut off when a small gash was suddenly carved into his shell.

"When I told you to shut up earlier," Hattori said, his eyes narrowed menacingly. "I meant all of you. And as for you!" Hattori swung his wing to point it between Lassoo's eyes, causing the cannon to freeze just as he was opening his jaws. "I want you to think very hard on this: what do you think is faster? Your mouth, or my wing?"

Lassoo kept his mouth half-open for a second before snapping it shut with an irritated growl.

Hattori nodded before turning his attention back to me. "I'll give you points for persistence and cleverness, Cross," he drawled. "But in the end, you're simply weak, and your attempts to compensate through the usage of your unctuous partner futile due to his own innate uselessness. Allow me to share a fact of life with you: There are opponents against which no amount of cleverness and persistence will work. And unfortunately for you, I'm not a Logia user with delusions of grandeur and better things to do with his time than kill you."

"But apparently you have THE TIME TO run your FUCKING—!"

Hattori casually flicked his wing, snapping a small pellet of something into Soundbite's mouth before he could react and reducing my snail's tirade to little more than a barrage of hacking and wheezing. The answer to what the hell had just happened came in the form of Soundbite coughing up a cloud of white powder that I recognized all too well: flour.

"Soundbite!" I cursed desperately.

Hattori cooed something or other in what I knew was a condescending tone, and the snarl Lassoo let out was proof enough of that.

Still, no matter what it was the bird said, his next action was clear enough.

Time seemed to slow down for us as the wing came down, and I could only stare and watch in horror as the air started to ripple around the white feathers.

Later on, when I recounted this story to my crew, I would swear up and down the Grand Line, Paradise and New World alike, that just as the wing was inches from my face, I saw a figure with a robe and a scythe looming behind the damn bird.

And that figure would have swung his scythe down, too.

"NO!"

If it weren't for a titanic voice suddenly bellowing out and causing Hattori to flail back in shock.

I hastily scrambled back when the pigeon's wing slashed at my face, and my heart all but stopped when the bird's wingtip sheared a small nock out of the lip of my baseball cap. "Fuck Gear Second, I just lost a few years off my life…" I whimpered in terror as I clambered to my feet.

Hattori, looking rather unnerved himself, hopped back from me and began scanning the area. "Who just spoke?" he demanded, before stiffening in shock. "Wait, how on earth am I speaking?!"

"HEY, FEATHERBRAIN."

Both Hattori and I snapped our attention to my shoulder, where Soundbite was grinning malevolently.

"YO," he greeted.

My jaw promptly dropped in shock.

It wasn't because a snail spoke, no, I thoroughly used to that little fact of life.

It was because he spoke without opening his mouth.

"S-Soundbite…" I breathed in awe. "H-How the hell are you?"

Soundbite glanced at me for a second before shaking his head. "HoohoohooHEEHEEHEEhahaha… haaaa…" The snail then glanced down at my side. "PEOPLE OF THE WORLD… I HAVE A MESSAGE OF MY OWN."

Suddenly, a very familiar… nay, an unforgettable drumbeat started to play out, and all I could do was snap my head up into the air in shock. "What the hell—?!"

"I have a message that I want to share with some people."

-o-

"TO THE WARLORD OF THE SEAS KNOWN AS DONQUIXOTE DOFLAMINGO."

"Fuffuffuffuffuffu… Fuffuffuffuffuffu…!"

Said Warlord was currently hunched over and snickering on the deck of his ship, en route to getting the hell out of the No Man's Land that lay between Totland and Kaido's Empire; the events of the last few hours had been seriously taxing his ability to suppress his laughter, and it was taking a lot of effort not to start cackling loudly enough to wake the whole of the ocean.

Not that anyone was still asleep, mind you.

This was evidenced by Diamante hesitantly shuffling forwards, his progress being none-too-subtly encouraged by Pica shoving him in the back. He shot a glare over his shoulder at the larger Executive before clearing his throat. "Ah… Young Master, if you don't mind me asking, what's so—?"

"Fuffuffuffu… forget it…"

"E-Eh? W-What—AGH!" Diamante stumbled back in shock when the deck beneath his feet suddenly turned to string and started rippling.

"Forget the lateness of the hour, forget being yanked away to calm Big Mom. Hell, you can even forget that blacklist fiasco from awhile back too!" Doflamingo's smile stretched from ear to ear as he flung his head back and started cackling at the sky. "FUFFUFFU! Forget it all! In the end, it doesn't matter how irritating they are, how arrogant and overambitious they might be! None of that matters, not now or ever again! Because now, it's official! The Straw Hats are just keeping this too world too interesting for me to be anything but entertained! HELL!"

The officers on board stumbled back in shock and terror when Doflamingo affixed a gaze at them that was filled with nothing but pure insanity.

"FORGET THE ERA OF ROGER, AND FORGET THE ERA OF SMILES ITSELF! THE ONLY THING I WANT TO SEE IN THIS WORLD IS THE SHEER MADNESS THAT WILL ARISE FROM THE ERA OF THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! FUFFUFFUFFUFFUFFUUU!"

-o-

"TO THE FOUR JAILER BEASTS OF THE UNDERWATER GAOL IMPEL DOWN!"

All throughout the facility of Impel Down, the entirety of the staff, from the 'human' guards and the Blugori to Warden Magellan himself, were desperately scrambling to try and maintain order as Levels 1, 2 and 4 rioted furiously ,and the only reason that 3 and 5 weren't a part of the whole debacle was that the conditions of those Levels removed any will from the prisoners to fight back.

An extreme detriment to that endeavor and the root cause of the riots was that all four of the Gaol's Jailer Beasts had stopped doing their duties out of the blue in favor of bellowing skyward, and nothing that anybody did or said to them could make them stop.

Not even Sadi's training and discipline was able to get through to the Beasts. She tried, sure, but in the end, not even she was a match for the call of ingrained instinct.

-o-

"AND FINALLY, TO ANYBODY ELSE LIKE THEM… I suggest that you all move the hell over," Soundbite leered menacingly. "BECAUSE YOU SEE… THIS SNAIL JUST GOT ON YOUR LEVEL."

My mind reeled as I processed the implications of what I was hearing. And as if his words weren't more than enough, the sheer mad glint I could see in his eyes, practically shining from within, spoke more than enough.

"You… Soundbite," I stammered weakly. "D-Did you just—?"

"Awaken?" Soundbite giggled ecstatically. "Hell yes. And ya know what, Cross? I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR NOT BEING MUCH HELP BACK IN SKYPIEA. I didn't before, but still. SEE, IN THE END? THE REALITY IS THAT YOU COULDN'T have helped me figure it out…" He shook his head with a nostalgic look. "BECAUSE THERE JUST is no figuring it out. 'Awakening'… an accurate name. ONE SECOND YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE, AND THE NEXT… YOU WAKE UP FROM A DEEP SLEEP and you understand everything." He leaned his head back and basked as a chorus of trumpets blared. "Ain't nothin' like it."

"And…" I waved my hand at the air. "The music? I didn't think you had access to…" I jerked my head to the side. "You know, those records?"

"Heck," Lassoo piped up. "What the heck does this Awakening stuff mean in general?"

Soundbite shot a grin back at the dog-cannon. "On the music, I think that that BASTARD JUST CHOSE TO STEP OFF. As for everything else? Before, I was just an amped up mimic and ventriloquist. NOW? WEEEELL, ADMITTEDLY I'M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES, BUT FROM what I've managed to PUZZLE OUT?" He grinned eagerly. "Back in Loguetown, Nami called me a 'god of noise' after I got my rig. SHE WAS EXAGGERATING THEN."

Soundbite's grin stretched wide as an orchestra of strings sang to the heavens.

"THAT TITLE ISN'T HYPERBOLE ANYMORE."

I felt almost limp as I processed what I was hearing. And some part of my mind was actually registering that the trigger that brought about this Awakening, that his surpassing of this limit, was all just to save me. Humbled by a snail… some odd things had happened to me since I entered this world, but I was reasonably certain that this took the cake, and in a way I liked.

My musings may well have led to some sort of heartwarming moment, were it not for the fact that Hattori used that moment to prove that he took far more cues about restraint from Jabra than his master.

"So, you've managed to figure out a way to emit noise without using your throat." Hattori snorted as he swept his wing out. "What of it? Nothing's actually changed. The only true gods in this world are the Celestial Dragons, and even with that traitorous princess you salvaged, your crew is so far below them as to be pitiful worms crawling in the muck below the scum. In the end, you and your powers are still nothing short of utterly useless."

Lassoo growled, and I felt my teeth grind together at the insult to Vivi, but we had nothing on Soundbite's reaction.

"Useless…" he muttered, his teeth clenched so hard they were creaking and his eyestalks drawn as low as they could go. "USELESS!? YOU WORTHLESS FEATHER-RAT, I AM SOUNDBITE, AND I AM THE LOUDEST SNAIL IN THE WORLD! HEAR ME ROAR!" Soundbite then flung his head back and—!

"▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!"

"GAGH!" Lassoo and I flinched and clapped our respective limbs over our ears as Soundbite howled his fury to the world. It was literally painfully clear that Soundbite wasn't fully in control of his new powers yet, on account of how the very fringes of the bellow were blasting us with the compressed audio-equivalent of a live Skrillex concert.

Still, though, he had at least some measure of control, on account of how while our ears were aching, the whole world around us was shaking, and Hattori was drunkenly stumbling around on his talons as he clutched his head.

As fast as he'd started his audio rampage, Soundbite snapped his mouth shut and ended the din. "PUNT! NOW!"

"RIGHT!" I yelled louder than necessarily needed before dashing forwards, reeling my leg back and kicking the feather-rat into the wall. I tried to keep running immediately after that, but I instead stumbled and had to take a second to recover before continuing to dash for the dock.

"I take it you weren't that good at soccer either, huh?" Lassoo snarked.

"I was great at soccer, thank you very much!" I snapped indignantly as I kept a wary gaze over my shoulder. "That little shitstain used Iron Body, I might as well have kicked a medicine ball!"

"JUST RUN, DAMN IT!"

And so indeed I ran, and soon enough I managed to reach the rear docking area of Enies Lobby. It was a simple enough place, a few cannons here and there for defense, a few stray crates obviously waiting for loading - and not a single clue as to where the hell the stairs to the passageway were damn it!

"Soundbite, which way down?" I demanded.

"Worry about going down later, something's coming up!"

I blinked at him in confusion. "Wha—?" I froze when I noticed the tilestones starting to bulge beneath my feet.

"MOVE!"

"SHIT!" I cursed as I dove back - which, coincidentally, allowed Hattori to shoot straight above me.

"You're going to wish you hadn't done that," Hattori promised as he flapped to a halt.

"And you're about to wish you were never born," Lassoo snickered.

The pigeon paused as he blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"

BOOM!

"GRRROOOOOAAAAAH!"

"GAH!" Hattori flailed in panic as the dock exploded beneath him, sending up a shower of debris and…

…well, and a monster.

"Meep…" I squeaked fearfully as I shrank back from Chopper's newly looming form. It was… pretty much exactly as Oda had depicted it: an unholy fusion of all of Chopper's forms zapped with a growth ray and ten times more straight-up feral than I'd ever seen him in the entire time I'd known him. At least if he'd been amping I'd be in familiar territory, but this!? This was just on a totally different scale.

And there was one detail that Oda simply couldn't have gotten right, simply due to the limitations of his medium: the eyes. They were round, cyan pits, deep and endless and easy to get lost in.

They were simple to read, honestly, seeing as they just held one emotion within them. One emotion I read loud and clear when he stared me dead in the eye.

Rage.

Said rage was expressed when Chopper bellowed out and swung a keratin-fingered hand high, and I started to scramble back…

Before pausing and blinking slowly. He then turned his head to the side and started swivelling it around in order to keep track of the pigeon that was circling around his head.

"Well, now, this is a most interesting development," Hattori mused. "A transformation that removes all senses of sanity? Congratulations, Cross! You get to be beaten to death by your own crewmate. Is that not—Eh?" He paused and looked at our doctor in confusion. "Wait, why is he looking at me like—WAGH!" The pigeon was forced to flap backwards when Chopper took a wild swipe at him. "Honestly!? This stupid cliché!? This is completely—DAMN!"

"…Huh," I blinked as I watched Chopper paw after the pigeon, forcing him to retreat and frantically weave around fingers bigger than him as Chopper clambered out of the hole and started chasing after him. "I'm sort of inclined to agree, actually. I was expecting a jumbo-sized Hyde, not a jumbo-sized 'kid chasing the butterfly'."

"Yeah, you guys SUPER! overestimated this guy's new IQ."

"Eh?" I looked at the hole in shock and hastily ran over to grab Franky's free hand and haul him up to our level. Or try, at least; come on, the guy was heavy as all hell! "Good to see you're still hanging in there, Cyborg!" I nodded as I slapped him on the shoulder. "I take it you Coup de Vent'd the not-so-little guy here?"

"Yeah," Franky grunted as he cracked his neck back and forth and rolled his shoulders, all while keeping a wary eye on Chopper. "And for the record, I won't be able to use it again to get him into the sea."

"Not enough Cola?" I divined.

Franky snorted darkly. "Worse, it wouldn't actually connect. See, your friend may not be smart enough to speak, but he's sure got the brains he needs to learn. Every time I use an attack, he figures out some way to counter. Weapons Left? Dodged. Strong Right? Nearly grabbed it before I could reel it back. Fresh Fire? Guards with his hooves. And my Triangle Jackers and Master Nails techniques can't even get through that thick fur. And I just used my ace in the hole, so it looks like that's out too."

"Sorry, Franky," I shrugged helplessly. "Unless divine retribution strikes him down or something, I'm fresh out of ideas."

"…Cross? You're not messing with us this time, ARE YOU?"

"Huh? No, why—?"

SLAM!

"…because it would appear that you-know-who has a warped sense of humor," Lassoo deadpanned.

"I knew that from the day I met Soundbite," I replied with equal dryness.

The reason for our flatness was that via some grand cosmic joke—or more likely, B.R.O.B.'s childish desire for shits and giggles—a groaning Fukuro somehow wound up standing on Chopper's head, which was buried face-first in the stone of the tower.

"Well, I ain't divine by any given measure of the word," Boss grunted as he dropped out of the air and landed next to us. "But I'll accept any words of thanks or prayer as they come." He glanced up at a still-orbiting Hattori. "Huh. Honestly, I should've known you'd end up matched against the pet, Cross."

"That 'pet' carved my face open like a Thanksgiving turkey!" I snapped indignantly as I pointed at the bandage on my face. "And beyond that, why the hell haven't you managed to take out blob-boy yet!?"

Boss snorted as he tapped the ashes off his cigar. "Easy: he might hit like a pansy, but that blob's as slippery as any water I've ever swam in, and he can take normal hits easily enough."

"And since when do you fall under the category of 'normal'?!" I demanded.

"I've been using the Full-Shell Style for all of fifteen minutes, give me a break!" Boss shot back with a scowl.

Meanwhile, Hattori had taken roost on Fukuro's head and was giving him a flat look. "And your own power ranking is how high again?"

The zipper-mouthed assassin shot a glare back at the pigeon. "That hard-backed manatee hits like a cannon while the big-mouth you were fighting is a normal human. What's your excuse, chapapa?"

The avian assassin twitched minutely before refocusing on us. "What say we both just focus on the present and never mention this day ever again, agreed?"

Fukuro cracked his knuckles as he mirrored the pigeon. "Fine with me, chapa."

I took a nervous step back as I moved my hand to the pocket where I was holding my baton. "Anyone got any bright ideas?"

Franky scowled in thought for a second before adopting a cocky smirk. "Well, I didn't think that I'd have to use it so soon, but it looks like it's now or never for that super upgrade I just finished. And when I say super?" He slammed his forearms together in his trademark pose. "You damn well know that I mean that it's nothing short of SUPER!"

Soundbite nodded firmly as he adopted a smirk. "You, me and the bottle makes three, because I just got me AN IDEA OF MY OWN TO KICK THAT FEATHER-RAT'S ASS!"

Boss cracked his neck back and forth as he rolled his shoulder. "Guess I'm the bottle in that scenario, which, honestly, is fine with me." He cracked a grin of his own. "Because I think I'm about set to take that tub of lard down a peg or twenty with my latest finisher."

I gave my allies searching glances with more than a little urgency as Chopper started to shift around. "You guys are sure that these moves will do the trick?"

"Positive!" the three chorused

"Well, that's good to hear..."

Chopper suddenly jerked his head out of the wall and turned to face us with an outraged roar, prompting Hattori and Fukuro to Shave off of him and glare at us from his flanks.

"Because I don't think we're going to get another shot!" I ground out as I slammed my fist into my palm.

"Then we'll have to make it count!" Franky nodded before snapping his hand up and his wrist open. "WEAPONS LEFT!"

Chopper snapped a hand up and blocked the blast from actually hitting him, but the explosion still drew out an aggravated growl.

"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU OVERGROWN PIECE OF VENISON!" Franky shouted as he waved his arms over his head. "COME AND GET ME!" He then turned and ran towards the waterline as Chopper charged after him.

Fukuro raised his eyebrow at the spectacle. "Well, that's that bastard taken care of, chapapa." He then narrowed his eyes. "Still though, it might be best that I guarantee—!"

"Rip Tide and—!"

Fukuro hastily crossed his arms in defense as Boss appeared before him.

"Iron Body: Arbitrator!"

"Squall Pistol!"

Boss shoved his flipper into the assassin's arms. The dugong scowled as the force of the impact knocked his opponent back a bit, but not much else. "Well, now that's just annoying."

"Six Powers Skill: Te-Awase Ranking." Fukuro narrowed his eyes challengingly. "Boss Dugong, Power Level Two Thousand. Impressive, and higher than me, but in the end, it's just not going to be enough."

Boss snorted defiantly. "What say we test that theory?"

Fukuro shoved his face in his opponent's with a snarl. "My thoughts exactly."

And with that the two Shave/Rip Tide'd out of sight, leaving Hattori and I facing one another down.

I angled my head to the side. "You ready to finish this?"

Hattori narrowed his eyes. "You have absolutely no idea."

I flexed my fingers in my gauntlets, testing the Dial-triggers within, and pulled one arm back to grab Lassoo. "Soundbite, how about some…" I unslung my cannon and took aim. "Appropriate music for the climax?

"It would BE MY PLEASURE," the snail purred.

And with that, the air filled with three different tracks of music…

"CANI-CANNON!"

"TEMPEST WING!"

And the fight began.

-o-

"You know, if somebody had told me, say, a year back that I would one day end up fighting a Zoan-Type who pushed their powers to the max and went off their nut, all for the sake of helping somebody who's not a part of my family? I'd have probably laughed in their face before tossing them into the sea to sober up."

Franky chuckled dryly as he ducked under a swipe at his head.

"Guess that goes to show I'm something of a dumbass, huh? I mean, come on, it's the Grand Line! There's no such thing as 'crazy' here except for thinking that someone's crazy!"

As he jumped back from another attack, both combatants paused as music filled the air. Franky stiffened before an ecstatic grin played over his face. "Oh, man, this song feels like it's speaking to my soul! It's making me feel so… so…" He slammed his forearms above his head with a roar. "SUPE—WOAH!"

The cyborg hastily broke out of his pose to dodge another stone-cracking swipe, and nearly lost his balance as he leapt back onto the edge of the dock. "Alright, maybe a little too super. Still…" A grin stretched over his face as he felt the seawater lap at his heels, and he raised his fists into a boxing position. "Good enough. Come and get some, furball!"

"GROOOAR!" Chopper responded, lowering his head as he began… well, not quite running, but it seemed so with his size. Franky tensed his muscles, waiting until he got close enough to pick out the individual ridges on the branches of his horns before charging forward a few steps himself and dropping into a baseball slide that just barely took him under the monster's bulk, with said monster digging his hooves into the stonework and forcing himself to a halt the second he registered that he'd missed.

'Barely' in this case meaning that Franky nervously patted his pompadour to make sure it was all still there once he got back to his feet. "Ye-ow that was way too close! Not doing that again anytime soon, that's for sure." He smirked confidently. "At least I've still got you right where I want you, furball. What do you have to say about that?"

Chopper snorted and shook his fur as he stared at his opponent dully before raising his arms into—

Franky blinked in surprise as the Monster adopted a mirror of his own boxing stance. "Huh… alright, so maybe you are pretty smart." He was still for a second before grinning. "Not like it changes much, because either way?" He held his arms out to his sides, elbows at ninety degree angles and fists angled towards the sky. "It's now or never to use my SUPER! upgrade!"

With that, he raised his elbows up while keeping his arms stiff. "Here we go! STROOOONG LEFT!"

Franky jerked his left arm back down to a right angle, causing a foot-and-a-half rod of metal to shoot out of his elbow.

"RIGHT!" He then repeated the motion with his right arm, causing another rod to shoot out. Finally, the cyborg braced his legs and rotated his arms downward so that his fists were pointed right at Chopper.

"COMBOOOO!"

And with a simple shove of willpower, the piston-rods started hammering into Franky's forearms and his fists launched out from his wrists, shooting out and retracting fast enough that they seemed to multiply, pummeling the behemoth buccaneer buck a dozen times in a second before he could even consider retaliating. He moved like a death row inmate as the firing squad ended his life, flinching and recoiling at the impacts but too dazed and in pain - and mounting exhaustion from the transformation—to retaliate.

"Let me tell you something, little guy!" Franky bellowed over the sound of metal striking flesh and bone. "Usually I'm a pretty super guy, but after listening to Straw Hat beat down on that Fox Guy? After getting the idea for this upgrade? Well, it's just too bad for you, because I'll have you know that since then, I've been feeling…"

The pistons started to pound even harder.

"Really…"

And they pounded harder.

"REAAAAALLYYYYY!"

And just like that they accelerated into blurs.

"SUUUUUUPAH-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAAAAAAH!"

To the Monster's credit, it actually managed to resist under the double-fisted onslaught for all of ten seconds before one of its legs lost its traction and it pitched forwards. It instinctively lashed its arms out in a desperate attempt to catch itself, and as a result left itself open to catching over a dozen high-powered shots to its body. Said shots were enough to leave the Monster reeling, gasping in an attempt to fill its newly-bruised lungs with air.

Taking the opportunity for what it was, Franky retracted his left arm's piston and dashed forward, positioning himself below the pirate's falling chin. "And now, SUPER!" He lashed his right fist up and caught the monster in its jaw just as he activated his piston. "STRONG RIGHT UPPERCUT!"

The devastating blow blew the human-reindeer back onto his hooves, where he was left swaying and groaning in agony as he tried and failed to kickstart his rattled brain back into business.

Franky took a second to huff and get his breath back before allowing himself to chuckle as he popped his right piston back into place. "Ah, man… let me tell you, that move is a bitch to use. Those pistons hurt like hell when they come out, and not only does it need a full bottle of cola to get the motors chugging, but it drains more the longer I keep it running? Totally not cool. But hey," he shrugged as he popped his gut-fridge open and withdrew a spare pair of shades. "At least it makes up for it by being super. And you know that when I say super…"

Franky smirked as he slid his sunglasses onto his face, the ever-present sunlight glinting off of them.

"I mean… SUPER."

Franky held his pose for a second…

BAM!

"What the—YEOW!"

Before he was forced to dodge as something shot straight through where he'd been standing a moment earlier and slammed into Chopper, causing him to sway back with a pained groan.

The cyborg snapped his head up, glasses askew as he looked around in confusion.

"What the heck was that!?"

-o-

Fist and flipper met cheek to cheek as Boss and Fukuro smashed a cross-counter into each other, the blows bouncing harmlessly off each others' Iron Bodies. Glaring, the two broke off, bounding back a bit to reassess their next moves.

'This is ridiculous!' Fukuro silently raged. 'Every blow I land on this guy just gets ignored due to that fucking Iron Body of his! Even the Solid Beast doesn't do much more than bruise him!'

'I can't believe this fatass has given me so much trouble,' Boss mentally grumbled. 'My stronger blows don't land, and anything fast enough to connect doesn't have enough to punch through that ranking Iron Body of his.'

Both of them came to the same conclusion simultaneously.

'There's only one thing left to try.'

And there was the difference between the two fighters. One was desperate, trying to find a gamble that could turn things around, the other merely trying something that only might not work.

"It's time to end this," they chorused.

And with that, Boss moved first, adopting a very specific stance: fists facing opposite one another and ready at his side. Fukuro, of course, recognized it immediately and burst out cackling.

"Chapapapapa!" Fukuro roared, clutching his gut as he laughed just out of Boss' usual attack radius. "You think you can use that move!? Your Power Level and your skills might be impressive, but not even your crew's level of applied nonsense can do that! The only way to use that is with intimate knowledge of the Six—!"

"The Iron Body is the root of it all," Boss intoned, his stance not wavering one bit as he glared dead ahead. "It teaches the body to be strong, so that it might withstand all forms of punishment and not rend itself apart. This must be brought to terms with the Paper Arts, so that one's muscles remain flexible even while staying in-flexible."

"—…powers?"

"Shave comes next. It teaches swiftness, speed, so that one may act decisively and in an instant, and yet all thanks to a simple motion," Boss continued without pausing. "Moonwalk and Tempest Kick are a dual lesson: how to put one's full body into affecting the air around them, as well as how to weaponize the very air one jumps off of. Finally, Finger Pistol is not about technique, but mentality. One's whole body is put into use in the attack, all muscles are exerted in the motion, and thus to perform it, one must effectively transform their body into a weapon."

"Cha… pa?" the assassin squeaked, for once at an utter loss for words.

"Individually these techniques are all incredibly powerful, but when brought together in a single instant and a single action…" Boss clenched and unclenched the muscles in his fists in preparation. "They form a weapon of unparalleled might and destruction."

By now Fukuro's mouth resembled less a zipper and more an undone clasp. "H-How—?! Y-Y-You only had that scroll for ten minutes! You haven't even been able to use the Six Powers for half an hour!"

"And that was more than I needed by half," Boss scoffed. "Cross said you and your pals have spent your whole lives learning these Arts and how to kill. Not bad. Me? I've spent and dedicated my life to learning how to learn. You can concentrate on mastering the one art all you want, but at the end of the day?" The dugong grit his teeth fiercely. "I am the one who will master them all. And mind you, that's not a boast…" The master martial-artist's gaze sharpened. "But my Man's Dream."

"But!" Boss lowered his head with a chuckle. "I digress. That dream… is a dream for the future. For now, however…" He drew his fists back and tensed.

Refusing to wait so much as a second longer, Fukuro Shaved at him with all the speed he could muster and rained holy hell down on his head, blow after blow smashing against the dugong's body to no avail. Boss merely closed his eyes as he weathered the strikes, his mind casting back into his own river of time.

'Finally… After all these years… I've started to become worthy of you…' Memories drifted unbidden to the dugong's conscious mind as he concentrated. Memories that reflected who he was, and what he'd accomplished. 'I've finally started on the road to follow you, Sifu…'

-45 Years Ago-

It was an average day on the shores of Alabasta. Flat-bottomed barges plied the Sandora, transporting goods up and down the great artery of the desert kingdom. Out at sea, ships from single-mast pinnaces to four-masted galleons plied the coastal waters, jockeying for Nanohana or heading to other ports.

However, the focus at the moment is not on the vessels out at sea, but rather further up the length of the Sandora River, where a group of young Kung Fu Dugong pups were waddling along the sands as they ventured into territories where their parents had explicitly told them not to venture.

There were three of them, in all: the one on the left had a somewhat grouchy, stoic look on his face, the one on the right a calm countenance, and the one in the middle who was leading them bore a bold grin on his face and a somewhat oversized camo bandanna around his forehead. The one thing that all of them shared, however, was the air of eagerness about them.

[So, Rookie,] the calm one on the right said, giving their leader a sidelong grin. [We going anywhere specific today?]

[Betcha we're just wandering around again,] the grouch on the left rolled his eyes with a scoff.

[Psh, c'mon, Apprentice, don't be like that!] Rookie laughed as he elbowed his friend on his left before smiling to his right. [And to answer, Neophyte, I'll have you know that Apprentice is actually right! We don't have a destination set for today's venture, and why should we?] Rookie jumped in front of the Sandora River and struck a pose, flipper raised high in the air. [After all, while journeys with destinations are great and all, it's the ones without that are even better, because then it's all up to fate!]

He then crossed his arms and grinned a cocksure grin at his friends. [And no matter the dangers that arise, we'll face them head on and come out as champs because we are Kung Fu Dugongs, and we don't run away from anything! Right, guys?]

[Right!] Neophyte nodded firmly.

[That's for damn sure,] Apprentice allowed himself a smirk.

[LUUUUUNCH!] the Sandora Lizard that burst from one of the nearby dunes bellowed before charging at them.

The pups stared at the giga-lizard in shock for a moment…

[RUN AWAY!]

Until Rookie screamed at the top of his lungs and leapt into the river, with Neophyte right behind him.

Apprentice glanced after them for a second before shaking his head and directing a glare at the tyrant lizard, falling into one of the stances he remembered from watching the older dugongs. [Bring it on,] he muttered beneath his breath.

The lizard rushed closer and closer, and the Dugong was just about able to smell the absolutely rancid stench of it's breath…

[Well, now.]

CRUNCH!

When suddenly the lizard was brought to a dead halt by a massive blow cracking into its skull, leaving a deep canyon in its forehead.

Apprentice gaped in shock as the one responsible for saving his life—bravado aside, he knew that the beast posed a very real danger to him—landed in front of him. It was an adult Dugong, older than any that he'd seen in his life and armed with nothing but a bamboo pole. But as he turned back to lock eyes with Apprentice, the younger Dugong felt cowed; the look in his eyes was enough on its own to show that he had lived in a way that he and his friends had only dreamed of.

[It's obvious that you've got more guts than a shark full of chum. But guts aren't enough to be able to fight against an opponent like that, especially for an unarmed pup.]

Apprentice felt stirrings of annoyance from the designation, but his incredulity beat them down with ease. [You… Who are you? You're not from the tribe.]

The old dugong chuckled. [Actually, I am. I've just been out and about for a long while and I've only just gotten back today is all. Call me…] the elder dugong glanced upwards thoughtfully for a second before shrugging. [Eh, 'Sifu' Dugong, why not. It's as good a name as any.]

Apprentice took in the dugong's nonchalant attitude after doing something so incredible as killing a Sandora Dragon, one of the most frightening beasts he knew of, with one hit and no effort. [Sifu… how strong are you?]

A glint appeared in the Dugong's eye, and his mouth turned upwards in a grin. [I was once called 'Boss,' but I passed that title on when I left to travel, and see what more the world had to offer for me. And it's been very rewarding.]

Apprentice stared at him. This was the embodiment of everything that Rookie kept going on about, and at the same time, it was the embodiment of what he was looking for. One stupid act had brought him face-to-face with what he knew he wanted out of life. And so it was that he bowed down in the sand towards the Dugong he had met barely a minute ago.

[I would learn all that you have to show me, Sifu,] Apprentice stated. [I am Apprentice Dugong, but if you will take me as your student, I will adopt the name Disciple Dugong from this day on.]

[Hmm. Gutsy and eager.] The elder dugong hummed thoughtfully, then shrugged. [Eh, what the hell. I've got nothing better to do. If that's what you so desire, stand up, Disciple, and follow me.]

With nary a thought to his friends, the newly dubbed Disciple followed Sifu into the desert, not complaining as their path directed towards the Sandora Mountains. For a good long while, neither spoke. Then, at last, Sifu broke his stride along with the silence.

[Normally I would start your training from the beginning and teach you from the basics up, but it seems to me that you're a pretty bright pup, so I'll give you the benefit of a doubt and raise the level a bit. Now…] The wizened dugong tapped his pole against the sheer rock-face they were standing in front of. [Punch this cliff in half.]

Disciple Dugong slowly turned his head to stare up at the cliff in naked shock. He observed it in silence for a few seconds before sobering his expression and cracking his neck to the side. [Right away, Sifu.]

The old master's muzzle slowly split into an eager grin.

~o~

[Your endurance will be put to the test here. Today, we will be traveling the coastline to Nanohana.]

Disciple nodded in acceptance.

[The long way, of course, stretching through the territories where pirates so often prowl.]

Disciple fell motionless for several seconds before nodding again, earning another grin from the old master.

~o~

[This should help significantly in building your reflexes. Economize your movements, or you'll only be stung more.]

This time, Disciple couldn't fully suppress his nervousness. Understandable, given that his teacher had bound him in chains, hung him from a tree branch, and was holding his pole beside a wasp's nest on the same branch. Regardless, wincing, the Dugong nodded again.

Sifu grinned anew as he struck the nest, moving towards the river a moment later for cover.

~o~

[Now… there's an old stone tower with a fountain on top of it at the peak of Mount Sinai. Take this bottle, climb up there, fill it, and bring it back so that I can drink it.]

Disciple took the bottle from his master, noting with no surprise at this point that it was made of glass. He'd wager if asked that his master blew the sand to form it himself.

[Yes, Sifu,] Disciple nodded with no less confidence than he felt; the past eight months had been more rewarding than the years leading up to it.

But he always found the best reward to be the way his teacher's face lit up whenever he accepted a challenge, and that day was no exception.

~o~

[B-But, Sifu, sir, I'm begging you! W-What about what you've learned from the places you've been over the years!?] Disciple protested desperately. [Surely, in all of your travels—!]

[You've learned all of the basics that I have to teach, my faithful disciple,] Sifu replied airily as he stared out to sea. [What I have learned in the sea is for me and me alone. The rest… only you can find it. You must form it on your own. Surely you have your own dream by now, no?]

Disciple grit his teeth in an effort to stay silent, before finally pitching forwards and kneeling in the sand. [Sifu… after all this time… you are my dream! To become as great a warrior as you, as great a man as you! All these years, that has been my only—!]

[Then that will be enough.]

Disciple snapped his head up and blinked through his tears. [Sifu?]

The elderly dugong smiled kindly as he placed a flipper upon his student's shoulder. [I will venture out into this world, and continue to learn, and when you are ready, I expect that you will do the same. And when you do, seek not to follow my path, but rather your own path. For though the road may be long and winding, I have faith that we shall cross again in the future. And the next time we meet… we shall see where you stand on the path to your dream. We shall see if the student has surpassed the teacher.]

Disciple scrunched his eyes shut miserably as he fought to hold back his tears, but bowed in acceptance nevertheless. [Yes, Sifu.]

He forced his eyes open, and imprinted the proud grin he had grown to see as his greatest reward to in his mind. Then the bamboo-wielder leapt into the ocean and disappeared.

He never returned.

~o~

Disciple spun the woven seaweed of his rope-dart in his flippers, looking with determination at the polearm-wielding Dugongs across from him.

[Come on, Disciple, you're the one who asked for a two-on-one fight,] Chief called out as he thumbed his camo headband. [Sure you're not biting off more than you can chew?]

Disciple snorted as he gave his old friends a confident smirk. [I've got a big stomach. Hit me with your best shot!]

Lancer scoffed as he lowered his spear at him. [Your funeral, partner.]

And with that, they launched into the mother of all duels. It was incredible, it was awe-inspiring, Disciple managed to keep neck and neck with them both… but in the end the fight ended with both Chief and Lancer's spears resting at his neck.

[Damn…] Disciple bemoaned miserably.

[Eh, don't beat yourself up, you almost had us, there,] Lancer drawled as he withdrew his weapon. [You've got a lot of strength there.]

[No kidding!] Chief grinned as he rolled his muscles. [We'll have to do this again sometime, that was fun!]

Disciple sighed, but grinned wistfully, nodding in response to the challenge. [I'll manage it someday soon, you can count on it.]

They exchanged smirks and fistbumps before the other two dugongs dove into the river and swam off, leaving Disciple alone. And the second that his friends were out of sight, he turned around and smashed his flipper into the rock face behind him.

He scowled ferociously as the resulting crack only reached halfway to the top.

[Damn… still a ways to go…] he sighed.

~o~

[And… just who are you four supposed to be?] Disciple regarded the quartet of pups before him dryly.

[I'm Leo, the leader!]

[I'm Mikey, the funny guy!]

[I'm Raphey, the tough one!]

[And I'm Donny, the one who picked all the names! And together, we are—!]

[The Mega Duper Super—!]

[Mikey's Mega Kickass—!]

[The Epicly Incredible—!]

There was a moment of silence, and then Disciple felt his eyebrow twitch irritably as the four huddled up and started whispering with one another. Soon enough, however, they split up and lined up before him.

[OK, so we're still working on the group name… but we can all agree on the reason that we're here, at least!] Leo said.

In near-perfect unison, the four of them bowed to him. [You're the most badass Dugong in Alabasta, please train us!] they requested.

Disciple cocked his eyebrow flatly. [And… why should I?]

[PLEASE!] Mikey broke formation and fell on his 'knees' as he pleaded desperately. [You're our last hope!]

[Mikey!] Raphey snapped irritably.

[He's not wrong though…] Donny bemoaned.

[We've already tried all the other masters,] Leo explained. [But nobody will take on all four of us at once. We know it's stupid and we're not really related by blood, but…] The four exchanged solemn looks. [It's always been us four, for as long as we can remember, us against the world. We have to train together, it's our only option. So… please…]

All four bowed their heads as one. [Please train us!]

Disciple regarded the pups emotionlessly for a minute… before looking away with a weary sigh. [Well, if this is what you really want, then so be it. I shall train you as my master trained me.]

The young pups grinned ecstatically and started exchanging high fives with one another.

[Now!] Disciple barked, snapping them out of their celebration as he snapped a flipper out and pointed to his side. [Your first training task: Punch that cliff in half!]

The dugong heaved a weary sigh as his new students were suddenly paralyzed in shock.

[We've got a long road ahead of us…]

~o~

[Alright, pups!] Disciple barked to his students, who were all wobbling sleepily. [This is your second training task.]

His flipper snapped out, revealing a small, silvery fish to be wriggling in his palm.

[These are the chief's favorite fish for when he's training,] Disciple explained. [Your task will be to assist me in delivering them for his breakfast.]

Donny—where they'd gotten those names or those colored bandannas, he had no idea, but at least it made differentiating them a little easier—raised a flipper.

[Yes, Donny?]

[This is going to be nowhere near as easy as it seems, is it?]

[Very perceptive!] Disciple stated. [Yes, there is a catch: the chief likes to train in the high altitudes of the Sandora mountains.]

For a moment, there was silence.

[The Sandora Mountains,] Leo clarified, his brow twitching furiously. [The Sandora Mountains that feed the Sandora River. The Sandora Mountains that are a good hundred miles away and are the breeding grounds for the biggest, meanest Bananagators in all of Alabasta. Those Sandora Mountains.]

[Yes, which is why as soon as you catch your fish, we'll be going,] Disciple stated. When his students didn't move, he turned a glare on them. [That means now, softshells!]

As his students frantically dove into the river, Disciple turned contemplative. [Maybe I should tell them about the cataracts,] he mused. [Or the inland delta with the Accelegators and the mud. Or that ornery old Catfish up the waterfall.] After a moment of thought, he shrugged. [Eh, it'll be a good experience for them.]

~o~

[Alright, students,] Disciple announced. [This time we'll be doing reflex training.]

[Then… why are you tying us to this tree?] Raphey asked.

[No clue, but look on the bright side: At least we can get honey from those bees afterward,] Mikey pointed out, not noticing his fellow students stiffening in horrified realization.

[Don't worry, all will be made clear in a moment,] Disciple said as he waddled up to the buzzing beehive. Gingerly reaching up, he gave the honeycomb a solid whack—and immediately made a leaping dive into the river.

[YAAAAAAARGH! BEEEEEEEEEEES!]

[Economize your movements, or you'll only get stung more!] Disciple called out as his students frantically tried to avoid the bees. [And above all else, remember to work together!]

Raphey and Mikey chose that exact moment to slam face-first into one another in their panic and knock each other out.

[What part of 'work together' are you failing to understand, dagnabbit!?]

[Core—OW!—concept, I think, sir!] Donny yelped.

[Ergh…] Disciple bemoaned as he ground the heel of his flipper into his forehead.

~o~

Disciple huffed heavily as he stood on the skull of a concussed Sandora Catfish, scowling darkly as he ran his thoughts over in his head. The Catfish he'd just taken down was supposed to be the day's assignment for his students, a mile-marker for them. They were supposed to work together, they were supposed to take it down with ease, but instead…

Disciple glanced over his shoulder at the coastline, where his students were wait-no, bickering, at the coastline where three of his students were bickering with one another, while the fourth—

[I'm still alive, in case anyone cares…] Mikey groaned through his bruises as he raised a shaky flipper.

He received another fist to his face as way of response. [The only reason I 'care' is that it means I need to try harder to beat your face in, you damn idiot!] Raphey raged irately.

[Hey, back off, you damn berserker!] Leo shoved her back as he snarled in her face. [Mikey was just kidding around, we wouldn't have gotten into that damn mess in the first place if you hadn't gone off the handle!]

[Thanks, Leo…]

[Shut it, Mikey,] the blue-bandanna'd dugong snapped. [I'm still pissed at you and I'll get to you in a second, but only after I'm through with this nutjob!]

[Bring it the hell on, you big-headed bastard!] Raphey butted her head against his.

[Come on guys, quit it, there's no need to—!]

[STAY OUT OF IT, DONNY!] the two paired snapped a vicious snarl at him.

The purple-wearing Dugong flinched back fearfully before shooting a fearful look at Disciple. [Master, could you please help me stop them? If they keep—! Going…?] Donny trailed off in confusion as he realized that his master wasn't on the Catfish anymore. A quick look around revealed that Disciple was—

[Master, where are you going?] Donny asked, drawing the other three away from their quarreling to notice that their teacher was leaving, an air of depression about him.

[Leaving,] Disciple called back emotionlessly.

Donny flinched slightly at the tone. [Ah… a-alright, then, when are we going to meet again for more-?]

[We won't be,] Disciple cut him off sternly. [I'm done teaching you. Find a new master.]

[EH!?] The quartet yelped in shock.

[Master, no!]

[This can't be happening!]

[I'm sorry, I'll stop making puns, I swear!]

[Master, we apologize sincerely, and we realize it looks like we're pretty damn hopeless, but—!]

[Wrong,] Disciple snapped again. [You're not the hopeless ones here,] the dugong clenched his flippers and bowed his head. [I am.]

All four looked after him in shock.

[You four are excellent warriors, I don't doubt any of the potential you show for even a second. You're all fine students, so the only reason for you not to be making any progress here, through the training that my Sifu gave me, the methods I trained through…] Disciple grit his teeth grimly. [Is that I'm not properly doing my job of instructing you, of helping you to become the best warriors you can possibly be.]

The dugong shook his head solemnly. [I failed my Sifu, and I failed you. I'm sorry that I wasted your time.]

Before any of the quartet could say anything further, he dove into the water and swam off.

~o~

The next morning found Disciple going about his daily routine as the rays of the sunrise woke him up.

He grabbed some dried salmon from his stash, he polished his shell, lit a new cigar, combed through the braided seaweed of his rope-dart for any parasites that might have taken root in the night and he was about to stride into the surf for his daily morning swim…

When his routine was rudely interrupted by his tripping over something that hadn't been there the night before.

Once he recovered from his impromptu faceplant, Disciple was able to swiftly identify the reason behind the disruption of his routine: namely, a quartet of Dugong pups who were all passed out on what amounted to his front porch.

Disciple stared at the sleeping forms of his ex-students for a moment before scowling darkly. He opened his muzzle to start to chew them out… before pausing in confusion as the off-beat lapping of the waves hit his ears.

The older dugong turned on his tail and promptly froze in utter shock, and for good reason too. After all, it wasn't every day that one bore witness to the sight of the surface of the Sandora River being covered from shore to shore with dozens of pummeled Sandora Catfish.

Disciple observed the minor Sea Kings' insensate forms for a moment before turning his attention back to his students. Without the haze of anger clouding his vision, he was able to notice that they weren't only sleeping on his turf, but rather they were sleeping off a rather impressive array of injuries.

Injuries that synched up with, say, taking on a horde of carnivorous fish ten times their own size.

Disciple was silent for a few minutes longer before scratching the back of his head with a sigh. [Ahhh, geeze… of all the things I had to succeed at teaching and it was this?] He kept his head bowed a moment longer before allowing a smirk to tug at his muzzle. [Tch… oh, what the hell. If this is what they really want…]

With that, Disciple brought his flipper to his lips and whistled, prompting his students to jerk awake with cries of shock.

[ATEEEEN-HUT!] Disciple barked imperiously, prompting his students to snap to attention before they were fully awake.

Leo blinked blearily as he tried to get his mind in working order. [What the—?]

[WELL!] Disciple roared, causing his students to jump anew before flinching back as they realized just what kind of a position they were in. They then cowered as Disciple pinned them all with a chilling glare and started pacing back and forth grimly. [You all defied my refusal to continue training you, went up against impossible odds, and only just managed to erk out a victory, all for the sake of impressing me. Did I get all that right?]

The four exchanged nervous glances before nodding hesitantly. [Yes, Master…]

Disciple was silent for a moment before snorting heavily. [This little stunt of yours tells me two things. First?] The teacher shot his students a cocky smirk. [That I'm obviously doing something right where your training is concerned, so I guess I might as well continue your training.]

The quartet promptly adopted euphoric grins and started cheering as they exchanged victorious high-fives and chest-bumps.

[Second!] Disciple forged onwards. [It's equally obvious that I have been severely underestimating your capabilities, and as such I will be adjusting your training appropriately. In short… weeell, I suggest that you all catch what sleep you can.] He adopted a vicious smirk. [Because in six hours, we're running a raid on the Bananagator's Nest, and there's nothing they love more than the smell of Catfish blood.]

The four pups froze as expressions of utter horror washed over their faces… before their eyes rolled up in their heads and they collapsed backwards.

Disciple cocked his eyebrow at them for a second before snickering and grinding the butt of his cigar between his teeth. [Heh. Buncha wimpy-ass anchovies.]

~o~

[Go with them.]

[Eh?] Disciple blinked over his shoulder in confusion, his contemplation of the sea broken by none of other than Chief Dugong, who was standing behind him and smiling his usual happy-go-lucky smile. [What are you—?]

[Go with the Straw Hats,] Chief Dugong re-emphasized with a chuckle. [You have my blessing. Go with them, go out to sea and chase your dreams. Show the world the true might of the Kung Fu Dugongs…] Chief's smile widened prominently. [Boss Dugong.]

Disciple started in shock. [Bo—!? What!? C-Chief, Boss is a name reserved for only the strongest of Dugongs, f-for our leader, and that's—!]

[You,] Chief cut Disciple off flatly. [It's always been you, from day one. I might be a happy-go-lucky fellow, sure, but do you really think that neither I nor Lancer Dugong couldn't tell? You think we didn't know sandbagging when we saw it?]

Disciple flinched and looked away hesitantly. [Well, I…]

Chief chuckled lightly as he clapped a hand on his friend's shoulder. [You've always been the strongest, you've always been our chief… but we knew that wasn't what you wanted. You didn't want to lead, you wanted to learn and grow so I let it slide up until now. And now… now I'm doing what's right. So here,] Chief reached up, undid his bandanna and held it out to Disciple. [Take it.]

Disciple stared at the camo cloth in shock. [C-chief, that's—!]

[My prized possession, yes.] Chief confirmed solemnly. [I want you to take it. Take my bandanna and my title, your rightful title, and take with you the pride of all Kung Fu Dugongs in the process. Take it all… and show the world who we really are. Show them all who you really are. Chase your dream… and fulfill it before the eyes of the world.]

Disciple stared at his friend in shock for a second before slowly taking the bandanna from him and staring at it numbly. [I… I don't know what to say…]

[That would be 'yes.']

The other Dugong swallowed heavily at that… before finally raising it and tying it around his head. [Thank you…] Boss Dugong whispered reverently.

[Thank me by becoming the best of us there ever was or will be,] Chief stated as he clapped his friend's shoulder before adopting a smirk. [And by taking those hellions of yours with you, so that I'm not forced to watch them every waking moment to keep them from jumping ship. Got it?]

Boss barked out a teary laugh as he snapped out a salute. [Yes, sir!]

-Present-

Boss allowed himself a slight smile as he cracked his eyes open, returning to the present. "Six Arts made by Six Kings…" he whispered.

"D-Damn you…" Fukuro huffed from exertion as he reared his fist back. "TAKE THIS! SOLID BEAST!"

The punch slammed into Boss' muzzle—and unlike the last time the attack had actually landed, the dugong didn't budge a single centimeter.

"Six Arts made by Six Kings, each King ruling over a grand ocean as wide and deep as the sky. Six Oceans that form the world: East Blue, North Blue—"

Only… it was more than him just staying in place. Dimly, Fukuro became aware that his hands actually hurt from punching the Dugong. Hurt enough that he was getting a Power Level reading. A Power Level reading that he dearly, dearly hoped was a mistake. Because there was no way the animal could have leaped from a notch below Jabra and Kaku to pushing Rob Lucci.

"—West Blue, South Blue—"

But if there was one thing, above all else, that had been pounded into him by his training, it was this: Power Levels didn't lie.

"SHAVE!" Fukuro frantically yelped, blurring away as fast as his legs could push him.

"Paradise…"

A hum, and Fukuro hastily clamped on the brakes as Boss appeared right in front of him.

"And New World."

Sadly for the assassin, it was too little too late, and as his momentum carried him forwards against his will, Fukuro hastily packed on the hardest Iron Body he was physically capable of before he slid into Boss' outstretched fists.

"Full-Shell Style: Six Oceans Gun."

Said Iron Body shattered like so much glass beneath the sheer and utter force that crunched into his gut, knocking him unconcious in an instant.

The force was, in fact, so strong that it then sent the rotund assassin flying back like a cannonball, following which he slammed-

"YEOW!"

Right into Chopper's stunned form.

Boss huffed and puffed as he watched Fukuro bounce onto the dock, taking a moment to catch his breath.

Once he was sure that his opponent was truly down and out and that the full-body ache from the half-powered attack had gone down, he lashed his fist out and slammed a backhanded punch into the wall of the Tower of Justice. He held the pose for a second before allowing himself to glance up. He promptly adopted a smirk in response to what he saw.

"What the heck was that!?" Franky shouted at him in shock.

Boss chuckled to himself as he bowed his head, turning his back on the newly formed crack that ran up the entire bottom half of the split tower.

"That, my friend," he announced proudly as he puffed on his cigar. "Was me finally starting to make good on a promise."

Before anything further could be said, the world suddenly fell... silent.

Boss glanced up in confusion. He opened his mouth to say something-

And then the very world seemed to roar.

-o-

Fighting Hattori was both easier and harder on the Tower's sea landing than in the stairwell. Easier, because I had more room to maneuver and could aim properly with Lassoo, forcing Hattori to stick to ranged attacks lest he be turned into roast pigeon by time-fused baseballs. Harder, on the other hand, because the exact same thing applied to Hattori. He was ducking and weaving and barrell rolling around the exploding baseballs like a goddamn pro and I had yet to land an actual hit on him yet.

In other words, we were at a stalemate. The real loser of the battle was the masonry around us, which we were abusing like… like… oh hell, I don't know, something mildly offensive. I was tired as all hell and sick of this damn fight, I didn't have time for quips!

"Hey, birdbrain!" I called up as I dodged out of the way of yet another Tempest Wing and retaliated with a Cani-Blaze. "I'm getting real sick of this here pissing contest! What do you say we finish this off like true and proper men?"

"Two final ultimate attacks launched at the same time?" Hattori called down.

"Strongest takes all," I confirmed as I raised my cannon.

"Very well, Cross," Hattori declared with a nod as he flapped to a halt. "I accept your challenge!" And with that, he wheeled around and started flying off into the distance.

"What's he doing?" I muttered, before jerking in shock as a visible sheen came over his wings. Then he started spinning. "Ooooh that can't be good…" I whispered before giving Soundbite a hesitant look. "How good would you say this so-called surefire move of yours is?"

"Put it this way…" Soundbite leaned his head to the side with a smirk. "You're gonna wanna take a knee."

Lassoo and I exchanged wary glances, but I complied nonetheless and did as Soundbite ordered before raising Lassoo to aim at the bird. "Now what?"

Soundbite clenched his eyes shut in concentration. "LASSOO, you need to time your bomb to go off a foot in front of the RAT. CAN YOU DO THAT?"

"Yeah, but he'll just dodge again," Lassoo warned him.

"THE HELL HE WILL. DO IT."

"If you say so…" the dog grunted wearily.

I gritted my teeth nervously as I watched the cyclone of death that Hattori had become rocket ever closer. "Soundbite…"

"Hattori was wrong earlier, you know?" Soundbite replied calmly. "I DON'T JUST PROJECT MY VOICE. RATHER… IT'S LIKE I HAVE CONTROL of the world's mixer board."

"Soundbite," I stressed as the killer bird shot closer.

"I CAN TELL that you're confused. THAT'S FAIR. JUST LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION: When is a sound at its utter loudest?"

I opened my mouth to tell my snail to stop screwing around—!… and then I found that I couldn't.

In fact, I found that I couldn't say anything at all. Say or hear, for that matter. No matter how much I strained my ears, no matter what I tried, the world was…

"A SOUND IS AT ITS LOUDEST…" Soundbite opened his eyes and regarded Hattori with a firm glare. "WHEN IT OCCURS IN UTTER SILENCE. FIRE."

I promptly complied, pulling Lassoo's trigger and blasting a baseball bomb at our ever-approaching enemy.

"In the land of silence," Soundbite scrunched his eyestalks shut and bowed them as he whispered.

A foot away from the cyclone that was Hattori, the bomb detonated in a blast of smoke and fire.

"He who has a voice."

Hattori ducked up and over the blast, avoiding it entirely.

"Is GOD!" Soundbite snapped his eyestalks up with a furious glare. "GASTRO-CANI-COMBO: BASS CANNON!"

And before the pigeon could react, the sound of the explosion smashed into him like a freight train, slapping him out of the air like the hand of God itself.

It was… awe-inspiring really. Even without being in the direct line of the attack, the sheer volume was enough that it felt like the whole world were exploding at once. And Hattori wasn't the only one struck either, because a wave of noise also smashed into Chopper and Fukuro, blasting them into the water.

And then, as swift as it started, the noise ended and all that was left was the crashing of the waves and a slight ringing in our ears.

The moment of peace was broken by Hattori's limp and bloodied form slamming into the dock.

Soundbite preened proudly. "Am I badass or what?"

I promptly got my wits back and shot a victorious grin at him. "You just polarized the volumes of that explosion and the world so that the explosion would be loud enough to hit like a physical force! That is so badass!"

"The most badass of all!" Lassoo howled.

"THANK YOU, thank you!" Soundbite bowed his head proudly.

Franky gaped in awe for a moment before getting back the wherewithal to cackle. "God damn that is one SUPER! snail!"

"Psh," Boss scoffed as he ground the heel of his palm into his forehead, barely hiding hte smile he was sporting. "Speak for yourself, you don't have to live with him. He's going to be so insufferable…"

That got my attention, and I goggled at the dugong in shock. "What the hell are you still doing here!?"

"Eh?" Boss blinked at me in confusion. "What are you—?"

"We have an anchor sinking! Move, Boss, MOVE!"

"SHIT!" the Dugong cursed furiously before diving into the water.

"And you!" I snapped at Franky as I jogged over to him. "Bottle of Cola, now!"

"What!?" Franky scoffed incredulously. "What do I look like to you, a walking fridge?!"

I gave him a flat look as I jabbed a finger into his abdominals. "Honestly? Yes. More specifically," I jerked my thumb at Soundbite. "You look like someone with an available beverage with which I can clear my snail's flour-clogged gullet. Look, he just needs a mouthful to gargle, so hand it over, alright?"

Franky rolled his eyes with an aggravated growl as he popped his gut open and took out his last remaining bottle, causing his pompadour to droop. "Fine. But for the record, I don't like the idea of backwash, got it?"

"Trust me, THIS IS AS PLEASANT FOR ME as it is for you," Soundbite assured him as I stuck the bottle between his teeth and took in a mouthful.

"Whatever you say. So, anyways," Franky turned his attention to the Bridge off in the distance. "Mind if I ask you a question while we wait for Boss?"

"You just did," I smirked.

"Tsk, smartass. Anyways, you got an idea for how we're getting off this rock?"

"Eh…" I waved my hand casually. "An idea, yeah. You'll see."

"Not gonna specify, huh? Lemme guess, then…" Franky smirked as he pointed at the bridge. "We'll be pulling some turnabout and commandeering one of those battleships over there, aren't we?"

I chuckled. "Well, maybe we'll do that as a backup, and we'll certainly have to try raiding the—BATTLESHIPS?!" I howled as I snapped my full attention to the Bridge for the first time.

"PFFFFFT!"

"YEOW, WATCH THE COLA, DAMN IT!"

I pointedly ignored the cyborg in favor of staring at not one, but two separate Battleships flanking the Bridge of Hesitation.

Usopp hadn't reported the Gates opening, and they sure the hell didn't open while we were approaching… which meant that they'd been there since before we'd arrived.

And that… that could only mean one thing.

"There are reinforcements waiting on the Bridge…" I whispered in horror. "Shit."

-o-

"This… isn't good," Su summarized weakly as she cowered behind her partner's back.

The sentiment was one that was shared by all members of the extraction team on the Bridge of Hesitation, on account of the opponents they were currently facing.

Not the mob of Marine soldiers before them, no, they could have handled them with relative ease.

Rather… the issue at the moment was the pair of figures who were leading the Marines, and standing right in between them and their crewmate.

"Hmph," a large, heavyset, practically ape-like Marine grunted as he cocked the rifle he was carrying, holding it with a precision and subtlety that his frame belied. "So, the pirates actually managed to reach us. How unfortunate. I'd hoped that we'd have been able to accomplish this mission without bloodshed."

"As if their presence makes a difference, KAPOW!" The other Marine, a relatively fit man wearing a flamboyant headpiece and goggles, cried as he struck a pose. "We are the heroes of Justice, PCHOO! And they are the villainous pirates, BLAM! We'll beat them and walk away scott free, it's only natural, WABAM!" The goggle-wearer then brought his arms up defensively, his forearms starting to spin into blurs. "Are you ready, Captain Gorilla, VROOM!?"

The animal-ish Captain snorted as he levelled his rifle at the pirates. "I said I 'hoped' we wouldn't get into a fight, Captain Sharinguru. Don't take that to mean that I'm neglectful."

"HAHAHA! THAT'S RIGHT! GORILLA, SHARINGURU, CHARGE! GET THEM!" Spandam yelled joyfully as he continued dragging a furiously resisting Robin down the bridge, flanked by a number of shield-toting soldiers to guard him from the sniper that had been bombarding them from the Tower of Justice. "SHOW THEM THE TRUE MIGHT OF THE MARINES! WAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

Vivi and Conis took a second to digest their situation before exchanging panicked glances.

"Shit."

Cross-Brain AN: September 19th again. A full year has now passed. Happy birthday to This Bites!, and happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day as well. Yes, loyal fans, believe it or not, this story's birthday is the same as that holiday. Unintentional, but hey, now you have every reason to celebrate it from now on!